01x20 - Episode 20

[bunniefuu]

Oh, yes, lyle. Oh, reggie.

Come and see what that
fat bastard is doing

In his apartment
across the road.

That fat, disgusting,
make-me-puke slob.

How can he do that?

I don't know.

♪ What is the fat man
doing across the road ♪

♪ Doing across the road,
oh, doing across the road? ♪

♪ Oh, tell me, what is the fat
man doing across the road? ♪

♪ And how can his wife
just sit and watch him? ♪

♪ Why doesn't the fat man
turn the lights down low ♪

♪ Get his ass
up off the floor ♪

♪ And go and mind the store? ♪

♪ Oh, tell me, what is the fat
man doing across the road ♪

♪ Hmm? ♪

♪ He's chewing on his toes ♪

[ Belches ]

♪ Well, he really seems
quite happy ♪

♪ With his foot
stuck in his face ♪

♪ I can see him
very clearly ♪

♪ From where I'm standing
in my place ♪

♪ We've been watching
for one hour ♪

♪ And our fried eggs
are on fire ♪

Fire! Fire!

Aah! Aah!

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, god.

Touché.

Uh-huh, yes.

Okay, okay, okay.
May I propose a toast?

Oh, honey,
toasts are so corny.

Uh-huh, yes, they are, but this
great land was built on toasts.

Is that the toast?

[ Laughter ]

Touché, sir.

No, this is the toast.

To stu and randy
on their anniversary.

Oh, I'll toast to that.

Many more.

Thank you
very much, crispin.

Thank you.

Oh.

Ooh.

[ Glass clinking ]

Oh, god.

All right.

Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey.

We better give the kids
their privacy.

Stop it, murray.

Touché.

You know what's
really weird here

Is that we've known you two now
for, what is it, three years?

And we've never
been told how you met.

Actually, we met
quite by accident

At a food-eating contest.

Murray: what?

Well, jeez,
that's interesting.

I don't usually
go to places like that.

Well, me either.

You see, I was there with a
friend who was really depressed.

He had just broken up
with his girlfriend,

And he was devastated.

I thought if
he could eat food

As quickly as his system could
take, it would cheer him up.

That's sweet.

I was there
with my fiancé, gunther.

He was a proofreader,

So understandably, he was under
a lot of pressure.

Pie-eating is what
he did to unwind.

You know, just let
his hair down and consume.

The wedding was weeks away,
and then I saw stu.

It was love
at first sight.

You see,
I wasn't really hungry,

But when I saw randy,

I realized I'd always
been famished.

Me too.

By the time
the fog had lifted,

I'd eaten eight pies
and won the contest.

The rest is history.

Oh, that's so romantic.

Yeah.

So, what ever
happened to gunther?

Well, he moved back to the old
country, and then he died.

That's so romantic.

You know, uh, could
I get you kids some pie?

[ Laughter ]

Touché.

No, seriously, I think we've
had enough to last a lifetime.

Oh, yeah.

So, uh, how did
you guys meet, anyway?

Oh, oh, well, hmm.

I met murray here
at a public hanging.

Yeah.

We were worried we couldn't
keep up the pace.

Yeah, but we did,
didn't we, honey?

Yes, we did.

All: there's a time and a place
to show photos of your children.

They'll stop
an evening dead.

Rini allen will show
hers at the drop of a hat.

Man: helens agree

There's a time and a place
to show photos of your kids.

Thanks.

Can you believe
I work in a bank?

Me in a bank?
Does that sound f*cked or what?

Like, it's all this involved,
convoluted bank bullshit,

I.e., I gotta wear a tie,
but you know me, right?

I wear a tie
that's a little crazy,

Like this piano keys tie.

So when people walk in,
it's like,

"Whoa! What's he
doing in a bank?"

First thing in the morning,
people give me shit.

That's how I know
my day's begun.

"I'm sorry, sir. Your signature
just isn't good enough.

"It's just not holding up.

"I've been watching it
deteriorate for months.

"You're losing it, guy,
and it shows.

"Oh, I'll take your check around
and show it to people,

"But not so
they'll authorize it,

"But so they
can have a good laugh.

"Sir, were you aware
that you are gross?

Did you know that
your checks smelled?"

I look at him, and it's like,
"who would f*ck you?"

But at night, I'm crazy.

♪ Some nights I go crazy,
some nights I get crazy ♪

♪ I'm the king of the clubs,
I move back and forth ♪

♪ Hey, how you doin', man? ♪

♪ f*ck the bank I work for,
f*ck the bank ♪

♪ Hey, ben, nice hair,
see you in england ♪

♪ f*ck the bank I work for,
f*ck the b-b-b-b-bank ♪

"I'm sorry, ms. Iverson.

"I just can't fit my lunch hour

"Into the tight
parameters you set.

"To me, a lunch hour
isn't an hour.

"It's a state of mind.

"I'm sorry, I can't help it
if it's welfare check day

"And they'll be hobbling in
in droves.

"Don't blame someone
who has a job.

"Why don't you blame the people
who can't hold down jobs

But take cabs
all the time anyway?"

I look at miss many-throats,
and it's like...

"Who would f*ck you?"

She should be bisexual.
It would increase her chances.

But someday, I'll go crazy.

♪ I'll eat pancakes
on her grave ♪

♪ f*ck my diet,
f*ck the bank I work for ♪

♪ f*ck the bank,
I'll be quitting soon ♪

♪ f*ck the b-b-bank ♪

[ Dance music playing ]

[ Slurping ]

You're not enjoying this
double date, are you?

Oh, no, I'm having
a fine time.

Waitress, could I get another
one of these, please?

No, really,
I'm having an okay time.

I was just wondering when
the other girl was coming.

What other girl?

This is a double date, right?

Both: well,
there's two of us.

Oh.

You see, when my friend iris
set up this date,

I just assumed that there
would be two women involved.

In fact, I was sort of hoping
to see iris here.

Oh, no. Iris would
never go out with us.

She doesn't like us.

Which lands her square
in the lap of the majority.

Amen, brother.

So, uh, what do you boys
do for a living?

Hey, what
are you, a cop?

I was just making conversation.

Do you like magic?

Pardon?

Do you like magic?
Boy, deaf and dumb.

No, I don't.

Okay, sure, I like magic.

Well, you're in luck because
he is quite a fine magician.

Do a trick.
Do a trick.

Now that you've built me up, how
can I help but disappoint her?

Aw, come on.
Do a trick.

No. No. No.

Okay, get off my back.

Now, watch this quarter,
which belongs to me.

It's a perfectly ordinary
quarter except that it's mine.

Now, watch.

Ta-da. It's mine.
You can't have it.

Well, that's great.

Oh, gee, I better get going.

No, wait.

We have another trick,
a bigger, better trick.

Do the bigger,
better trick.

I don't
think I should.

I think you should.
I think we're losing her.

I don't think
it's a bad idea.

Do the big trick.

I don't think
this is working.

We've got her attention.

This is the date saver.
Just do it.

[ Gurgling ]

Um...

Ta-da. Ta-da.

Oh, my god.
What is that?

It's a liver,

A perfectly ordinary
liver, but it's mine.

You can't have it.
I'm gonna need this.

I am leaving.

You are two
of the most horrible,

Disgusting pigs I've ever met.

Both: hey,
where are you going?

We'll never
find true love.

Both: nobody likes us.

Waiter, check please.

[ Piano music plays ]

Show business is full...

Of actors, singers, dancers,
and models...

And then there's me --

Actor, singer, dancer,
model...

Canadian.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I can make the word
canadian sound sexy.

[ Laughter ]

Most people think that I'm from
the states, and even worse,

They think that I'm from
new york because I'm so sexy.

But new york isn't sexy.

It's sleazy.

Americans know as much
about canada

As straight people
do about gays.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Americans arrive at the border
with skis in july,

And straight people think that
being gay is just a phase...

A very long phase.

When I'm overseas and people
mistake me for an american,

I'm as outraged as when
I'm mistaken for straight.

[ Laughter ]

No one wants
to know that I'm gay,

And even less people want
to know that I'm canadian.

On my résumé, my agent replaced
the word "gay" with "blond"

And...

"Canadian" with "outdoorsy."

So, I replaced "outdoorsy"
with "blousy,"

Which makes me a blousy blond.

I get all the best-friend roles.

I'm in this new american
picture, "millennium."

It's a big-budget
science-fiction thriller

Starring cheryl ladd.

You see, one day,
some american thought,

"Hey, I want to make
a terrible movie in canada.

Everybody else has."

[ Laughter ]

I play the best friend
of the time-gate operator.

He has one line,
but he says it directly to me.

The movie is full of canadian
actors with one line.

It's great.

It won't make a dime.

There's a big hoopla down south
over some wag burning the flag.

Oh, jesus.

[ Sighs ]

I don't know what
all the fuss is all about.

We burn our flag
all the time to keep warm.

Is it cold in here
or is it just me?

I seem to be catching
a bit of a chill.

[ Sneezes ]

Oh! [ Sniffles ]

Jesus.

Oh, that's better.

Lucky I didn't
blow my pope's nose.

[ Laughter ]

It all reminds me of the time

That anne murray
and james baldwin

Were sharing a smart cocktail
at her cottage in parry sound.

And anne said to james,

"It must be hard enough
being black and gay.

Imagine if you were
also canadian, eh?"

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Hey.

Get out of my way,
you f*cking peasant.

You f*cking
piece of shit.

Now that you've
carried my luggage for me,

Why don't you f*ck off and get
in the bus with the other worms.

That's right, you're riding
on the bus, dirt boy,

And you know what?

You deserve the bus.

Whereas I will be riding
in style on the airplane.

Do you know who I am?

Do you know who I am?

Yeah.

I'm f*cking buddy holly,
that's who I am.

Right now, I'm on top
of the f*cking world.

I'm . I got my whole
life ahead of me.

Who knows what great
pop songs I'll write?

Who knows what hard-working
rock bands in towns like,

I don't know,
liverpool, england,

Are being influenced
by me right now?

Huh?

Loser!

Let's get f*cking flying.

I'm afraid, buddy.
I don't like to fly.

Shut up, valens,
you f*ckin' "la bamba" spick.

You're gonna fly,
and you're gonna like it.

Hey, where's big bopper?

Tell him to get
his fat ass off the can.

I can't wait all day.
I wrote "peggy sue."

Get in there. Get in there
and lose some weight.

Hey, wait a second.

Everything I touch
turns to gold.

Hey, I got an idea.

I'm gonna let my friend
rocky fly this plane.

Hi, rocky.
You wanna fly the plane?

Sure you do.

Sure you do. You don't
need any lessons.

Come on.
Let's fly this plane.

[ Horn honking ]

There's the big bopper,
the diarrhea king himself.

[ Brakes squeal ]

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Come on, bopper.
Get in here.

Move your ass,
and get in here.

Jesus christ, is that smell
coming from you?

Holy, what a smell!
Get in here.

Big bopper: hey, buddy,

What's that drunk monkey doing
flying this pla-a-a-ne?

[ Engine turns over ]

Shut up, you one-hit wonder,
and sing my song!

♪ That'll be the day
when you make me cry ♪

♪ That'll be the day
when you say goodbye ♪

All: a helen is a helen.

There's no reason to pick
your favorite helen.

Man: helens agree
a helen is a helen.

[ Music-box music playing ]

And now, the dr. Seuss bible.

One day, god said,
"this is what I will do.

"I'll send down my son,
I'll send him to you,

"To clear up this humpety,
bumpety hullabaloo.

"His name will be christ,
and he'll never wear shoes.

His pals will all call him
the king of the jews."

He didn't come in a plane.
He didn't come in a jeep.

He didn't come in the pouch
of a high-jumping voveep.

He rode on the back
of a black sassatoo,

Which is the blackiest creature
you ever could view.

He rode to jerusalem,
home of the grumpety jews,

Where false prophets were
worshipped, some even in twos.

There was murray von muir
and ghengis vo voose,

The one you can worship
by taking a snooze.

Christ spoke from a mound,
which is a pile of ground,

And people gathered around
without making a sound.

Thus he spake.

[ Laughter ]

Sin and socks,
socks full of sin.

How do we quiet
this jehovity din?

Do unto others
as they do unto you.

That includes you,
young timothy foo.

One pharisee
said to another he knew...

What shall we do
with this uppity jew?

We can wash him in wine
and make him all clean

And into sam zittle's
crucifixion machine.

Twirl the gawhirl

And release the gavlease
and in go the nails...

Yee! Yah!

...as fast as you please.

[ Gasps ] whoo!

And it is said
that he said as he bled,

"Forgive them, father, for they
know not what they do."

For they walk through
this life in toe-crappity shoes.

Do you?
Do you? Do you?

Amen.