[ Up-tempo jazz music plays ]
Excuse me, young lady.
Excuse me, young lady.
I don't mean to intrude, but
Excuse me, young lady.
I don't mean to intrude, but
perhaps you're unaware of the
I don't mean to intrude, but
perhaps you're unaware of the
sort of characters who patronize
Perhaps you're unaware of the
sort of characters who patronize
these seedy back streets -- the
Sort of characters who patronize
these seedy back streets -- the
sort of men who would think
These seedy back streets -- the
sort of men who would think
nothing of taking advantage of a
Sort of men who would think
nothing of taking advantage of a
defenseless woman, alone,
Nothing of taking advantage of a
defenseless woman, alone,
without an escort.
Defenseless woman, alone,
without an escort.
Here's what I got -- bucks
Without an escort.
Here's what I got -- bucks
for the taffy pull, $ for the
Here's what I got -- bucks
for the taffy pull, $ for the
tight blowfish, and bucks
For the taffy pull, $ for the
tight blowfish, and bucks
for the around the world, back
Tight blowfish, and bucks
for the around the world, back
at my place.
For the around the world, back
at my place.
But you gotta wear a raincoat.
At my place.
But you gotta wear a raincoat.
I don't go nowhere with nobody
But you gotta wear a raincoat.
I don't go nowhere with nobody
lessin his duck is rubber --
I don't go nowhere with nobody
lessin his duck is rubber --
if you follow my wake.
Lessin his duck is rubber --
if you follow my wake.
Young lady, someone listening
If you follow my wake.
Young lady, someone listening
in, hearing your words out of
Young lady, someone listening
in, hearing your words out of
context, might get the wrong
In, hearing your words out of
context, might get the wrong
impression, might wrongly
Context, might get the wrong
impression, might wrongly
interpret some double entendre
Impression, might wrongly
interpret some double entendre
in your generous offer.
Interpret some double entendre
in your generous offer.
Listen, freak, I ain't got
In your generous offer.
Listen, freak, I ain't got
all night, okay?
Listen, freak, I ain't got
all night, okay?
I got a habit to feed, so if you
All night, okay?
I got a habit to feed, so if you
ain't buying, I ain't selling.
I got a habit to feed, so if you
ain't buying, I ain't selling.
Sweet child!
Ain't buying, I ain't selling.
Sweet child!
These streets are cold and I
Sweet child!
These streets are cold and I
fear that those clouds do
These streets are cold and I
fear that those clouds do
thr*aten rain.
Fear that those clouds do
thr*aten rain.
Might I take you someplace warm
thr*aten rain.
Might I take you someplace warm
and buy you a meal?
Might I take you someplace warm
and buy you a meal?
Sure, freak, it's your money,
And buy you a meal?
Sure, freak, it's your money,
but you gotta wear a raincoat.
Sure, freak, it's your money,
but you gotta wear a raincoat.
[ Laughs ]
But you gotta wear a raincoat.
[ Laughs ]
what are you laughing at?
[ Laughs ]
what are you laughing at?
You laugh at me, and I'll get
What are you laughing at?
You laugh at me, and I'll get
rudy to cut your heart out.
You laugh at me, and I'll get
rudy to cut your heart out.
Of course.
Rudy to cut your heart out.
Of course.
[ Music continues ]
Sandy?
Sandy?
Yes?
Sandy?
Yes?
Uh, have you memorized that
Yes?
Uh, have you memorized that
phonebook yet?
Uh, have you memorized that
phonebook yet?
No. I'll work on it, sir.
Phonebook yet?
No. I'll work on it, sir.
[ Laughs ]
No. I'll work on it, sir.
[ Laughs ]
[ laughs ] that's great.
[ Laughs ]
[ laughs ] that's great.
What you're doing -- it's great.
[ Laughs ] that's great.
What you're doing -- it's great.
Hang on. Hang on.
What you're doing -- it's great.
Hang on. Hang on.
Sandy?
Hang on. Hang on.
Sandy?
Yes?
Sandy?
Yes?
Uh, call someone who's never
Yes?
Uh, call someone who's never
called me, and tell them I'm
Uh, call someone who's never
called me, and tell them I'm
returning their call.
Called me, and tell them I'm
returning their call.
[ Both laugh ]
Returning their call.
[ Both laugh ]
okay, sandy?
[ Both laugh ]
okay, sandy?
Uh, sandy just quit.
Okay, sandy?
Uh, sandy just quit.
I'm your new secretary -- gwen.
Uh, sandy just quit.
I'm your new secretary -- gwen.
Ah, that's great, gwen.
I'm your new secretary -- gwen.
Ah, that's great, gwen.
Uh, listen, gwen, I'm hungry.
Ah, that's great, gwen.
Uh, listen, gwen, I'm hungry.
Would you like some food,
Uh, listen, gwen, I'm hungry.
Would you like some food,
sir?
Would you like some food,
sir?
Uh, no.
Sir?
Uh, no.
Just send in my next
Uh, no.
Just send in my next
appointment.
Just send in my next
appointment.
See, I'm gonna eat 'em alive.
Appointment.
See, I'm gonna eat 'em alive.
[ Both laugh ]
See, I'm gonna eat 'em alive.
[ Both laugh ]
gerald!
[ Both laugh ]
gerald!
Gerald, you old cholesterol
Gerald!
Gerald, you old cholesterol
sponge.
Gerald, you old cholesterol
sponge.
Hey.
Sponge.
Hey.
Gerald, the old
Hey.
Gerald, the old
number-spewing poo head, how are
Gerald, the old
number-spewing poo head, how are
you?
Number-spewing poo head, how are
you?
[ Both laugh ]
You?
[ Both laugh ]
gerald, you met my assistant,
[ Both laugh ]
gerald, you met my assistant,
tim?
Gerald, you met my assistant,
tim?
He's sitting right there --
Tim?
He's sitting right there --
look.
He's sitting right there --
look.
I'm not sure if I have.
Look.
I'm not sure if I have.
No, I can honestly say I have
I'm not sure if I have.
No, I can honestly say I have
never met this man.
No, I can honestly say I have
never met this man.
Okay, well then, gerald, meet
Never met this man.
Okay, well then, gerald, meet
tim, tim -- gerald.
Okay, well then, gerald, meet
tim, tim -- gerald.
[ All laugh ]
Tim, tim -- gerald.
[ All laugh ]
okay, let's stop smiling...
[ All laugh ]
okay, let's stop smiling...
And negotiate.
Okay, let's stop smiling...
And negotiate.
Gerald, you start.
And negotiate.
Gerald, you start.
Um...
Gerald, you start.
Um...
All right, I'll start.
Um...
All right, I'll start.
Gerald, whatever your opening
All right, I'll start.
Gerald, whatever your opening
position is, I find it
Gerald, whatever your opening
position is, I find it
insulting.
Position is, I find it
insulting.
Get the hell out of my office!
Insulting.
Get the hell out of my office!
Okay.
Get the hell out of my office!
Okay.
Gerald!
Okay.
Gerald!
This is where you come back at
Gerald!
This is where you come back at
me.
This is where you come back at
me.
Oh, I forgot.
Me.
Oh, I forgot.
Here, why don't you take these
Oh, I forgot.
Here, why don't you take these
baseball tickets?
Here, why don't you take these
baseball tickets?
Oh, that's better.
Baseball tickets?
Oh, that's better.
Way to butter me up, you old --
Oh, that's better.
Way to butter me up, you old --
gerald, these tickets are three
Way to butter me up, you old --
gerald, these tickets are three
years old.
Gerald, these tickets are three
years old.
What gives?
Years old.
What gives?
I've lost it, gerald.
What gives?
I've lost it, gerald.
I'm no longer any good at
I've lost it, gerald.
I'm no longer any good at
negotiating.
I'm no longer any good at
negotiating.
I keep forgetting whose client
Negotiating.
I keep forgetting whose client
is who.
I keep forgetting whose client
is who.
I'm no good with numbers.
Is who.
I'm no good with numbers.
As a matter of fact, if you were
I'm no good with numbers.
As a matter of fact, if you were
to take off my suit jacket right
As a matter of fact, if you were
to take off my suit jacket right
now, you'd find semicircles of
To take off my suit jacket right
now, you'd find semicircles of
sweat forming under my armpits
Now, you'd find semicircles of
sweat forming under my armpits
because I'm so nervous.
Sweat forming under my armpits
because I'm so nervous.
I'm really bad at --
Because I'm so nervous.
I'm really bad at --
aah! --
I'm really bad at --
aah! --
Social graces.
Aah! --
Social graces.
As a matter of fact, my
Social graces.
As a matter of fact, my
briefcase is empty.
As a matter of fact, my
briefcase is empty.
It's a bluff.
Briefcase is empty.
It's a bluff.
There's nothing in there at all,
It's a bluff.
There's nothing in there at all,
it's been empty for weeks.
There's nothing in there at all,
it's been empty for weeks.
And I realize as I'm telling you
It's been empty for weeks.
And I realize as I'm telling you
this in the midst of a
And I realize as I'm telling you
this in the midst of a
gloves-off, bare-knuckles,
This in the midst of a
gloves-off, bare-knuckles,
winner-take-all business
Gloves-off, bare-knuckles,
winner-take-all business
negotiation, that, perhaps I
Winner-take-all business
negotiation, that, perhaps I
shouldn't be telling you this.
Negotiation, that, perhaps I
shouldn't be telling you this.
How so, gerald?
Shouldn't be telling you this.
How so, gerald?
Well, pointing out all my
How so, gerald?
Well, pointing out all my
disadvantages might put you at
Well, pointing out all my
disadvantages might put you at
an advantage.
Disadvantages might put you at
an advantage.
Ahh.
An advantage.
Ahh.
Ahh, yes.
Ahh.
Ahh, yes.
Well, gerald, I wouldn't
Ahh, yes.
Well, gerald, I wouldn't
worry about it.
Well, gerald, I wouldn't
worry about it.
I mean, as a testament to how
Worry about it.
I mean, as a testament to how
bad we are, you're still here.
I mean, as a testament to how
bad we are, you're still here.
We haven't thrown you out yet.
Bad we are, you're still here.
We haven't thrown you out yet.
[ Laughs ]
We haven't thrown you out yet.
[ Laughs ]
no, gerald, you know, just now I
[ Laughs ]
no, gerald, you know, just now I
was watching your lips move, but
No, gerald, you know, just now I
was watching your lips move, but
really, I was really thinking
Was watching your lips move, but
really, I was really thinking
about what to eat for lunch,
Really, I was really thinking
about what to eat for lunch,
you know?
About what to eat for lunch,
you know?
And now I'm sort of looking out
You know?
And now I'm sort of looking out
that window, and I'm wondering,
And now I'm sort of looking out
that window, and I'm wondering,
"how much does that building
That window, and I'm wondering,
"how much does that building
weigh?"
"How much does that building
weigh?"
Now I'm thinking, "could I box a
Weigh?"
Now I'm thinking, "could I box a
few rounds if I had to save my
Now I'm thinking, "could I box a
few rounds if I had to save my
life?"
Few rounds if I had to save my
life?"
You know, take someone to the
Life?"
You know, take someone to the
mat.
You know, take someone to the
mat.
And now I'm thinking about
Mat.
And now I'm thinking about
having an affair with my
And now I'm thinking about
having an affair with my
secretary, and I don't even know
Having an affair with my
secretary, and I don't even know
what she looks like.
Secretary, and I don't even know
what she looks like.
Gerald, I haven't heard a word
What she looks like.
Gerald, I haven't heard a word
you said.
Gerald, I haven't heard a word
you said.
[ Laughs ]
You said.
[ Laughs ]
that's great.
[ Laughs ]
that's great.
That's really great.
That's great.
That's really great.
I love business meetings.
That's really great.
I love business meetings.
Aren't they something, huh?
I love business meetings.
Aren't they something, huh?
Us in our suits -- I mean, don't
Aren't they something, huh?
Us in our suits -- I mean, don't
we look great as a group of
Us in our suits -- I mean, don't
we look great as a group of
business guys?
We look great as a group of
business guys?
You know, sitting around,
Business guys?
You know, sitting around,
drinking coffee brought to us by
You know, sitting around,
drinking coffee brought to us by
somebody who's afraid of losing
Drinking coffee brought to us by
somebody who's afraid of losing
their job.
Somebody who's afraid of losing
their job.
Maybe someone grabs a pencil and
Their job.
Maybe someone grabs a pencil and
gets it into their head to tap
Maybe someone grabs a pencil and
gets it into their head to tap
on a desk with it.
Gets it into their head to tap
on a desk with it.
Intercoms, memos, useless
On a desk with it.
Intercoms, memos, useless
interjections -- hey, like this
Intercoms, memos, useless
interjections -- hey, like this
one -- boy!
Interjections -- hey, like this
one -- boy!
Boy, the kid makes it sound
One -- boy!
Boy, the kid makes it sound
so ultrafine.
Boy, the kid makes it sound
so ultrafine.
Yeah.
So ultrafine.
Yeah.
That's 'cause it is, gerald.
Yeah.
That's 'cause it is, gerald.
Gerald, you haven't lost it.
That's 'cause it is, gerald.
Gerald, you haven't lost it.
You're just setting your
Gerald, you haven't lost it.
You're just setting your
standards too high.
You're just setting your
standards too high.
You still got a great handshake.
Standards too high.
You still got a great handshake.
[ Growls ]
You still got a great handshake.
[ Growls ]
whoa!
[ Growls ]
whoa!
Look at that one.
Whoa!
Look at that one.
So let's get back to it,
Look at that one.
So let's get back to it,
shall we?
So let's get back to it,
shall we?
Gwen, I thought I told you to
Shall we?
Gwen, I thought I told you to
send gerald in here.
Gwen, I thought I told you to
send gerald in here.
Oh, isn't he in there?
Send gerald in here.
Oh, isn't he in there?
Yes, he is.
Oh, isn't he in there?
Yes, he is.
[ All laugh ]
Yes, he is.
[ All laugh ]
I only brought you this deal,
[ All laugh ]
I only brought you this deal,
puss head, because your wife
I only brought you this deal,
puss head, because your wife
phoned me drunk and begged me.
Puss head, because your wife
phoned me drunk and begged me.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
I speak english.
I speak english.
Believe it or not, there's a lot
I speak english.
Believe it or not, there's a lot
of people out there who don't.
Believe it or not, there's a lot
of people out there who don't.
I find that sad.
Of people out there who don't.
I find that sad.
W-why don't they speak english?
I find that sad.
W-why don't they speak english?
Is it because they find it too
W-why don't they speak english?
Is it because they find it too
difficult?
Is it because they find it too
difficult?
That's ridiculous -- it's easy.
Difficult?
That's ridiculous -- it's easy.
I spoke it my whole life and I
That's ridiculous -- it's easy.
I spoke it my whole life and I
never had any problems.
I spoke it my whole life and I
never had any problems.
Is it because they don't like
Never had any problems.
Is it because they don't like
it?
Is it because they don't like
it?
That's ludicrous.
It?
That's ludicrous.
It's a great language.
That's ludicrous.
It's a great language.
W-why, shakespeare's in
It's a great language.
W-why, shakespeare's in
english...barely.
W-why, shakespeare's in
english...barely.
Maybe they don't speak it 'cause
English...barely.
Maybe they don't speak it 'cause
it's not their first language.
Maybe they don't speak it 'cause
it's not their first language.
So?
It's not their first language.
So?
I mean, where were their
So?
I mean, where were their
parents?
I mean, where were their
parents?
Why -- why did they teach 'em a
Parents?
Why -- why did they teach 'em a
language that nobody speaks?
Why -- why did they teach 'em a
language that nobody speaks?
And -- and it's not like they
Language that nobody speaks?
And -- and it's not like they
just speak one other language.
And -- and it's not like they
just speak one other language.
No, no, there's tons of 'em,
Just speak one other language.
No, no, there's tons of 'em,
like spanish, or german, or
No, no, there's tons of 'em,
like spanish, or german, or
check this one out -- hindi.
Like spanish, or german, or
check this one out -- hindi.
In france, everyone speaks
Check this one out -- hindi.
In france, everyone speaks
french 'cause they think it's
In france, everyone speaks
french 'cause they think it's
cool.
French 'cause they think it's
cool.
Gives 'em -- gives 'em an excuse
Cool.
Gives 'em -- gives 'em an excuse
to smoke.
Gives 'em -- gives 'em an excuse
to smoke.
I was in this country, I don't
To smoke.
I was in this country, I don't
want to say its name 'cause I
I was in this country, I don't
want to say its name 'cause I
don't want to be called r*cist,
Want to say its name 'cause I
don't want to be called r*cist,
so let me just call them "they."
Don't want to be called r*cist,
so let me just call them "they."
Anyways, my theory is they don't
So let me just call them "they."
Anyways, my theory is they don't
even understand each other, they
Anyways, my theory is they don't
even understand each other, they
just run around jabberin' away
Even understand each other, they
just run around jabberin' away
in gibberish, pretendin' to
Just run around jabberin' away
in gibberish, pretendin' to
understand each other just to
In gibberish, pretendin' to
understand each other just to
make you feel like a jerk.
Understand each other just to
make you feel like a jerk.
You know?
Make you feel like a jerk.
You know?
This happened to me -- I'm in
You know?
This happened to me -- I'm in
this little store in holland and
This happened to me -- I'm in
this little store in holland and
I asked the guy behind the
This little store in holland and
I asked the guy behind the
counter for razor blades.
I asked the guy behind the
counter for razor blades.
He looks at me real funny, like
Counter for razor blades.
He looks at me real funny, like
a f*g or somethin', and says,
He looks at me real funny, like
a f*g or somethin', and says,
"dona speakah englase," in this
A f*g or somethin', and says,
"dona speakah englase," in this
really weird accent.
"Dona speakah englase," in this
really weird accent.
I-i don't know what to do, I
Really weird accent.
I-i don't know what to do, I
mean, what's wrong with this
I-i don't know what to do, I
mean, what's wrong with this
clown?
Mean, what's wrong with this
clown?
So --
Clown?
So --
so, I repeat it real slowly,
So --
so, I repeat it real slowly,
like I would to a dog, you know?
So, I repeat it real slowly,
like I would to a dog, you know?
And then he says it again --
Like I would to a dog, you know?
And then he says it again --
"dona speakah englase."
And then he says it again --
"dona speakah englase."
So I don't know what to do, so I
"Dona speakah englase."
So I don't know what to do, so I
reach over the counter, grab the
So I don't know what to do, so I
reach over the counter, grab the
blades and walk out.
Reach over the counter, grab the
blades and walk out.
[ Giggles ] what would you do?
Blades and walk out.
[ Giggles ] what would you do?
The guy overreacts -- you know,
[ Giggles ] what would you do?
The guy overreacts -- you know,
europeans -- runs after me,
The guy overreacts -- you know,
europeans -- runs after me,
yelling at me in some weird
Europeans -- runs after me,
yelling at me in some weird
accent -- hollandaise, I
Yelling at me in some weird
accent -- hollandaise, I
guess.
Accent -- hollandaise, I
guess.
An old woman in wooden shoes
Guess.
An old woman in wooden shoes
comes clompin' up to see
An old woman in wooden shoes
comes clompin' up to see
what the problem is.
Comes clompin' up to see
what the problem is.
So I tell her to go back to
What the problem is.
So I tell her to go back to
dipping candles or whatever it
So I tell her to go back to
dipping candles or whatever it
is they do.
Dipping candles or whatever it
is they do.
But she pretends not to
Is they do.
But she pretends not to
understand me.
But she pretends not to
understand me.
So I hit her.
Understand me.
So I hit her.
She overreacts...
So I hit her.
She overreacts...
Dies.
She overreacts...
Dies.
You know, europeans.
Dies.
You know, europeans.
Lights out.
You know, europeans.
Lights out.
What did he say?
Lights out.
What did he say?
Why doesn't he speak english?
What did he say?
Why doesn't he speak english?
You see what I'm tellin' ya?
Of course, some people think
Of course, some people think
that boarding school is cruel,
Of course, some people think
that boarding school is cruel,
but I was enriched by the
That boarding school is cruel,
but I was enriched by the
experience.
But I was enriched by the
experience.
Darling --
I know we've only been seeing
I know we've only been seeing
each other a few short months.
I know we've only been seeing
each other a few short months.
It is my deepest fear that I'm
Each other a few short months.
It is my deepest fear that I'm
premature, that I have misread
It is my deepest fear that I'm
premature, that I have misread
your signals, but there is
Premature, that I have misread
your signals, but there is
something I would like to ask.
Your signals, but there is
something I would like to ask.
Shut up and say no more.
Something I would like to ask.
Shut up and say no more.
I know what you want.
Shut up and say no more.
I know what you want.
You want me to do you right
I know what you want.
You want me to do you right
here -- right here, under the
You want me to do you right
here -- right here, under the
table, real discreetly?
Here -- right here, under the
table, real discreetly?
Sweetie --
Table, real discreetly?
Sweetie --
I keep forgetting how unworldly
Sweetie --
I keep forgetting how unworldly
you are.
I keep forgetting how unworldly
you are.
I must make myself more clearly
You are.
I must make myself more clearly
understood.
I must make myself more clearly
understood.
Will you marry me?
Understood.
Will you marry me?
Sure, whatever you want,
Will you marry me?
Sure, whatever you want,
freak.
Sure, whatever you want,
freak.
I mean, you pay the piper, you
Freak.
I mean, you pay the piper, you
can pick the tunes.
I mean, you pay the piper, you
can pick the tunes.
She has said yes.
Can pick the tunes.
She has said yes.
[ Smooches ]
She has said yes.
[ Smooches ]
the angels have heard my
[ Smooches ]
the angels have heard my
prayers, and she has said yes.
The angels have heard my
prayers, and she has said yes.
Keep your freakin' voice
Prayers, and she has said yes.
Keep your freakin' voice
down, freak.
Keep your freakin' voice
down, freak.
Yes, darling.
Little hair of the dog.
So, you're painting a chair,
So, you're painting a chair,
hey?
So, you're painting a chair,
hey?
Yeah, that's what I'm doing,
Hey?
Yeah, that's what I'm doing,
all right.
Yeah, that's what I'm doing,
all right.
That's why I stopped.
All right.
That's why I stopped.
I see.
That's why I stopped.
I see.
So, I suppose you want me to
I see.
So, I suppose you want me to
paint your chair?
So, I suppose you want me to
paint your chair?
No thanks, I'll do it fine.
Paint your chair?
No thanks, I'll do it fine.
Oh, okay.
No thanks, I'll do it fine.
Oh, okay.
There is this kid in my class,
Oh, okay.
There is this kid in my class,
and she lives on her own without
There is this kid in my class,
and she lives on her own without
any parents or guardians...
And she lives on her own without
any parents or guardians...
And she's eight.
Any parents or guardians...
And she's eight.
And she took the number off her
And she's eight.
And she took the number off her
house so the cops can't find her
And she took the number off her
house so the cops can't find her
to take her to jail.
House so the cops can't find her
to take her to jail.
And also, she took off the
To take her to jail.
And also, she took off the
mailbox so they can't send her a
And also, she took off the
mailbox so they can't send her a
letter to say she's in trouble
Mailbox so they can't send her a
letter to say she's in trouble
and has to go to jail.
Letter to say she's in trouble
and has to go to jail.
And she's eight, like I say.
And has to go to jail.
And she's eight, like I say.
Eight? That's young.
And she's eight, like I say.
Eight? That's young.
Yeah.
Eight? That's young.
Yeah.
And in the garage is a skeleton
Yeah.
And in the garage is a skeleton
of a coyote, and it's one of
And in the garage is a skeleton
of a coyote, and it's one of
those real valuable ones, and
Of a coyote, and it's one of
those real valuable ones, and
that guy from the news already
Those real valuable ones, and
that guy from the news already
tried to buy it three times.
That guy from the news already
tried to buy it three times.
Really?
Tried to buy it three times.
Really?
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
So, I suppose you want me to
Yeah.
So, I suppose you want me to
paint your chair?
So, I suppose you want me to
paint your chair?
No, I'm doing fine, thanks.
Paint your chair?
No, I'm doing fine, thanks.
Okay.
No, I'm doing fine, thanks.
Okay.
These guys...
Okay.
These guys...
Smoke.
These guys...
Smoke.
They smoke?
Smoke.
They smoke?
Yeah.
They smoke?
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Wow.
And they're bad.
Wow.
And they're bad.
And you know what?
And they're bad.
And you know what?
They taught a dog to smoke.
And you know what?
They taught a dog to smoke.
You belive that?
They taught a dog to smoke.
You belive that?
Sure, I belive that.
You belive that?
Sure, I belive that.
Yeah, well, it's true.
Sure, I belive that.
Yeah, well, it's true.
And they taught him to beg for
Yeah, well, it's true.
And they taught him to beg for
cigarettes...
And they taught him to beg for
cigarettes...
Door-to-door.
Cigarettes...
Door-to-door.
So right away, when this poor
Door-to-door.
So right away, when this poor
little devil would -- would ring
So right away, when this poor
little devil would -- would ring
your doorbell with his schnoz,
Little devil would -- would ring
your doorbell with his schnoz,
you'd know right away what he
Your doorbell with his schnoz,
you'd know right away what he
wanted.
You'd know right away what he
wanted.
So you'd give him a cigarette,
Wanted.
So you'd give him a cigarette,
and he'd take it back to these
So you'd give him a cigarette,
and he'd take it back to these
guys who waited by the fence to
And he'd take it back to these
guys who waited by the fence to
smoke, and they didn't care who
Guys who waited by the fence to
smoke, and they didn't care who
saw them smoke.
Smoke, and they didn't care who
saw them smoke.
These guys sure smoked.
Saw them smoke.
These guys sure smoked.
Really?
These guys sure smoked.
Really?
I guess I should go.
Really?
I guess I should go.
Thanks for stopping by.
I guess I should go.
Thanks for stopping by.
Okay, I'll stay.
Thanks for stopping by.
Okay, I'll stay.
Hey, did you ever eat a
Okay, I'll stay.
Hey, did you ever eat a
snowball?
Hey, did you ever eat a
snowball?
No. No I didn't.
Snowball?
No. No I didn't.
Onions is all I eat.
No. No I didn't.
Onions is all I eat.
Oh.
Onions is all I eat.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
The government wanted me to tell
Oh, yeah.
The government wanted me to tell
you that in the sewer, there's
The government wanted me to tell
you that in the sewer, there's
this animal that's k*lling
You that in the sewer, there's
this animal that's k*lling
everything, and nothing can stop
This animal that's k*lling
everything, and nothing can stop
it, and the only thing that can
Everything, and nothing can stop
it, and the only thing that can
even slow it down is really
It, and the only thing that can
even slow it down is really
expensive perfume.
Even slow it down is really
expensive perfume.
You wanna know why?
Expensive perfume.
You wanna know why?
Do you wanna know why?
You wanna know why?
Do you wanna know why?
Why?
Do you wanna know why?
Why?
'Cause it's got a metal head.
Why?
'Cause it's got a metal head.
[ Chuckles ]
'Cause it's got a metal head.
[ Chuckles ]
scary, eh?
[ Chuckles ]
scary, eh?
Yeah.
Scary, eh?
Yeah.
Why are you painting so fast?
Yeah.
Why are you painting so fast?
I just want to get this done
Why are you painting so fast?
I just want to get this done
before the rain comes.
I just want to get this done
before the rain comes.
Well, I already painted a
Before the rain comes.
Well, I already painted a
whole bunch as a science-fair
Well, I already painted a
whole bunch as a science-fair
project.
Whole bunch as a science-fair
project.
My dad and i, one time, one
Project.
My dad and i, one time, one
summer, we build a veranda
My dad and i, one time, one
summer, we build a veranda
without any tools.
Summer, we build a veranda
without any tools.
Therefore, I should paint your
Without any tools.
Therefore, I should paint your
chair.
Therefore, I should paint your
chair.
Look, you can paint this bit
Chair.
Look, you can paint this bit
right here, okay?
Look, you can paint this bit
right here, okay?
What would something like
Right here, okay?
What would something like
that pay?
What would something like
that pay?
In england, everyone only has
That pay?
In england, everyone only has
one spoon.
In england, everyone only has
one spoon.
Yeah, and that's your spoon
One spoon.
Yeah, and that's your spoon
for your entire life, right?
Yeah, and that's your spoon
for your entire life, right?
And if you lose it, you starve
For your entire life, right?
And if you lose it, you starve
to death unless somebody in your
And if you lose it, you starve
to death unless somebody in your
family wills you their spoon.
To death unless somebody in your
family wills you their spoon.
And they have spoon millionaires
Family wills you their spoon.
And they have spoon millionaires
in england, right?
And they have spoon millionaires
in england, right?
I kind of heard that, yeah.
In england, right?
I kind of heard that, yeah.
So, should I come in your house
I kind of heard that, yeah.
So, should I come in your house
now and eat?
So, should I come in your house
now and eat?
No.
Now and eat?
No.
I can't have an onion?
No.
I can't have an onion?
No.
I can't have an onion?
No.
Okay, I gotta go.
No.
Okay, I gotta go.
I'm in the middle of a big bike
Okay, I gotta go.
I'm in the middle of a big bike
race.
I'm a ladies' man.
I'm a ladies' man.
Go on, touch my belly.
I'm a ladies' man.
Go on, touch my belly.
I swear it's as hard as a rock.
Go on, touch my belly.
I swear it's as hard as a rock.
Go on.
I swear it's as hard as a rock.
Go on.
Go on.
Go on.
Go on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Go on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, ladies!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, ladies!
One at a time.
Whoa, ladies!
One at a time.
First starr, with the two "r"s,
One at a time.
First starr, with the two "r"s,
and then you, the one with the
First starr, with the two "r"s,
and then you, the one with the
name I can't pronounce.
And then you, the one with the
name I can't pronounce.
Go, starr.
Name I can't pronounce.
Go, starr.
Sickaluguwahunga, you next.
Go, starr.
Sickaluguwahunga, you next.
[ Sobbing ]
Sickaluguwahunga, you next.
[ Sobbing ]
wait a second.
[ Sobbing ]
wait a second.
That plate of nachos is cryin'.
Wait a second.
That plate of nachos is cryin'.
I better go investigate.
That plate of nachos is cryin'.
I better go investigate.
[ Sobbing continues ]
I better go investigate.
[ Sobbing continues ]
lucy!
[ Sobbing continues ]
lucy!
Tex?
Lucy!
Tex?
I don't believe it.
Tex?
I don't believe it.
What are you doing here?
I don't believe it.
What are you doing here?
Well, you said you had to
What are you doing here?
Well, you said you had to
work late with the guys.
Well, you said you had to
work late with the guys.
Yeah, so?
Work late with the guys.
Yeah, so?
So, here you are with other
Yeah, so?
So, here you are with other
women.
So, here you are with other
women.
Yeah?
Women.
Yeah?
Well, I thought we loved each
Yeah?
Well, I thought we loved each
other, and we were going to
Well, I thought we loved each
other, and we were going to
spend the rest of our lives
Other, and we were going to
spend the rest of our lives
together.
Spend the rest of our lives
together.
We are baby, we are.
Together.
We are baby, we are.
What about our relationship?
We are baby, we are.
What about our relationship?
I can't take this anymore.
What about our relationship?
I can't take this anymore.
I'll k*ll myself, I swear, I
I can't take this anymore.
I'll k*ll myself, I swear, I
swear, I swear.
I'll k*ll myself, I swear, I
swear, I swear.
You know, sometimes I don't
Swear, I swear.
You know, sometimes I don't
think you love me enough, that's
You know, sometimes I don't
think you love me enough, that's
our problem.
Think you love me enough, that's
our problem.
It is?
Our problem.
It is?
Yeah.
It is?
Yeah.
It isn't you sleepin' with
Yeah.
It isn't you sleepin' with
everything on two legs?
It isn't you sleepin' with
everything on two legs?
Nope.
Everything on two legs?
Nope.
No.
Nope.
No.
You're just too demanding of me.
No.
You're just too demanding of me.
You expect too much.
You're just too demanding of me.
You expect too much.
Let me put it another way.
You expect too much.
Let me put it another way.
[ Coin clinks ]
Let me put it another way.
[ Coin clinks ]
[ slow-tempo rock music plays ]
[ Coin clinks ]
[ slow-tempo rock music plays ]
♪ I think it's ridiculous to say
[ Slow-tempo rock music plays ]
♪ I think it's ridiculous to say
I love you just to prove that I
♪ I think it's ridiculous to say
I love you just to prove that I
do ♪
I love you just to prove that I
do ♪
♪ I think it's outrageous to
Do ♪
♪ I think it's outrageous to
come home every night ♪
♪ I think it's outrageous to
come home every night ♪
♪ just 'cause I'm married to
Come home every night ♪
♪ just 'cause I'm married to
you ♪
♪ Just 'cause I'm married to
you ♪
♪ and don't you think that it's
You ♪
♪ and don't you think that it's
just a little bit freaky that I
♪ And don't you think that it's
just a little bit freaky that I
can't see other people to prove
Just a little bit freaky that I
can't see other people to prove
to you...something ♪
Can't see other people to prove
to you...something ♪
♪ I find it a dazzling slap in
To you...something ♪
♪ I find it a dazzling slap in
the face that when I go out you
♪ I find it a dazzling slap in
the face that when I go out you
expect me to wear my wedding
The face that when I go out you
expect me to wear my wedding
ring, ring, ring, ring, ring ♪
Expect me to wear my wedding
ring, ring, ring, ring, ring ♪
[ tempo quickens ]
Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring ♪
[ tempo quickens ]
♪ sometimes I think that you
[ Tempo quickens ]
♪ sometimes I think that you
don't love me, baby ♪
♪ Sometimes I think that you
don't love me, baby ♪
♪ you don't trust me, baby ♪
Don't love me, baby ♪
♪ you don't trust me, baby ♪
♪ you're a mean, mistrusting
♪ You don't trust me, baby ♪
♪ you're a mean, mistrusting
lady ♪
♪ You're a mean, mistrusting
lady ♪
♪ I don't know why I stay with
Lady ♪
♪ I don't know why I stay with
you ♪
♪ I don't know why I stay with
you ♪
♪ it could be because of your
You ♪
♪ it could be because of your
money ♪
♪ It could be because of your
money ♪
♪ your big, rich daddy's money ♪
Money ♪
♪ your big, rich daddy's money ♪
♪ and the president's job he got
♪ Your big, rich daddy's money ♪
♪ and the president's job he got
me and I don't have to work a
♪ And the president's job he got
me and I don't have to work a
lot ♪
Me and I don't have to work a
lot ♪
♪ I find it stupendously
Lot ♪
♪ I find it stupendously
mind-blowing that it's me that
♪ I find it stupendously
mind-blowing that it's me that
you blame, especially since
Mind-blowing that it's me that
you blame, especially since
you're so utterly unremarkable ♪
You blame, especially since
you're so utterly unremarkable ♪
♪ sometimes I forget her first
You're so utterly unremarkable ♪
♪ sometimes I forget her first
name ♪
♪ Sometimes I forget her first
name ♪
lucy!
Name ♪
lucy!
♪ I love you ♪
Lucy!
♪ I love you ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ oh, baby ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ oh, baby ♪
♪ you're fine ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ you're fine ♪
♪ although I haven't actually
♪ You're fine ♪
♪ although I haven't actually
made love with you since ♪
♪ But I'm rather handsome,
♪ But I'm rather handsome,
baby ♪
♪ But I'm rather handsome,
baby ♪
♪ my sideburns drive me crazy ♪
Baby ♪
♪ my sideburns drive me crazy ♪
♪ I got a hankering for the
♪ My sideburns drive me crazy ♪
♪ I got a hankering for the
ladies ♪
♪ I got a hankering for the
ladies ♪
♪ I love you, you know I do ♪
Ladies ♪
♪ I love you, you know I do ♪
♪ everybody sing ♪
♪ I love you, you know I do ♪
♪ everybody sing ♪
♪ la la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ Everybody sing ♪
♪ la la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ oh, baby! ♪
♪ La la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ oh, baby! ♪
So, you're saying that our
♪ Oh, baby! ♪
So, you're saying that our
relationship would be better if
So, you're saying that our
relationship would be better if
I trusted you more?
Relationship would be better if
I trusted you more?
Bingo!
I trusted you more?
Bingo!
Well, it's a good thing I
Bingo!
Well, it's a good thing I
brought my shovel!
Well, it's a good thing I
brought my shovel!
Reprise!
Brought my shovel!
Reprise!
♪ I don't love you, baby ♪
Reprise!
♪ I don't love you, baby ♪
♪ you don't trust me, baby ♪
♪ I don't love you, baby ♪
♪ you don't trust me, baby ♪
♪ call please, baby ♪
Darling?
Darling?
Where are you, darling?
Darling?
Where are you, darling?
Darling?
Where are you, darling?
Darling?
Ah, there she is.
Darling?
Ah, there she is.
Happy th anniversary, my love.
Ah, there she is.
Happy th anniversary, my love.
Shut up.
Happy th anniversary, my love.
Shut up.
My cake will fall, you shouting
Shut up.
My cake will fall, you shouting
like that, you maniac.
My cake will fall, you shouting
like that, you maniac.
I'm sorry.
Like that, you maniac.
I'm sorry.
I have something for you in
I'm sorry.
I have something for you in
honor of our golden anniversary.
I have something for you in
honor of our golden anniversary.
Yes, golden earrings, the big
Honor of our golden anniversary.
Yes, golden earrings, the big
hoop kind that you're so fond
Yes, golden earrings, the big
hoop kind that you're so fond
of.
Hoop kind that you're so fond
of.
What do you want?
Of.
What do you want?
You want I should wear them?
What do you want?
You want I should wear them?
I would be honored if you
You want I should wear them?
I would be honored if you
would.
I would be honored if you
would.
Look, I've been thinking.
Would.
Look, I've been thinking.
It's time I went back out on the
Look, I've been thinking.
It's time I went back out on the
street.
It's time I went back out on the
street.
I mean, I've been gone an awful
Street.
I mean, I've been gone an awful
long time, and rudy's gonna k*ll
I mean, I've been gone an awful
long time, and rudy's gonna k*ll
me.
Long time, and rudy's gonna k*ll
me.
So the way I figure it is, you
Me.
So the way I figure it is, you
owe me $ million u.s. For
So the way I figure it is, you
owe me $ million u.s. For
services rendered.
Owe me $ million u.s. For
services rendered.
So cough up, freak.
Services rendered.
So cough up, freak.
But, darling, I'm afraid I
So cough up, freak.
But, darling, I'm afraid I
don't understand.
But, darling, I'm afraid I
don't understand.
I don't have that kind of money.
Don't understand.
I don't have that kind of money.
What?
I don't have that kind of money.
What?
Are you stiffing me, you
What?
Are you stiffing me, you
deadbeat?
Are you stiffing me, you
deadbeat?
You're wasting my time.
Deadbeat?
You're wasting my time.
You're dead.
You're wasting my time.
You're dead.
When rudy comes, he's gonna k*ll
You're dead.
When rudy comes, he's gonna k*ll
you.
When rudy comes, he's gonna k*ll
you.
He's gonna k*ll you, you freak.
You.
He's gonna k*ll you, you freak.
Wasting my time here with you,
He's gonna k*ll you, you freak.
Wasting my time here with you,
you freak.
Wasting my time here with you,
you freak.
[ Telephone rings ]
You freak.
[ Telephone rings ]
oh, hello, little tracy.
[ Telephone rings ]
oh, hello, little tracy.
No, grandma's not here right
Oh, hello, little tracy.
No, grandma's not here right
now.
No, grandma's not here right
now.
[ Sniffles ]
Now.
[ Sniffles ]
no, I don't know when she'll be
[ Sniffles ]
no, I don't know when she'll be
back.
No, I don't know when she'll be
back.
What's that?
Back.
What's that?
No, no, of course grandpa's not
What's that?
No, no, of course grandpa's not
crying.
No, no, of course grandpa's not
crying.
No, I just have a bit of a cold.
Crying.
No, I just have a bit of a cold.
Ah-choo.
No, I just have a bit of a cold.
Ah-choo.
Yes, I'll tell her you called.
Ah-choo.
Yes, I'll tell her you called.
Thank you very much.
Yes, I'll tell her you called.
Thank you very much.
[ Sobbing ]
Darling, please come back to
Darling, please come back to
us.
Darling, please come back to
us.
Get lost, freak.
Us.
Get lost, freak.
Hi, grandma. I miss you.
Get lost, freak.
Hi, grandma. I miss you.
Oh, nix the brat, would you?
Hi, grandma. I miss you.
Oh, nix the brat, would you?
I'm trying to work.
Oh, nix the brat, would you?
I'm trying to work.
But, darling, our home is
I'm trying to work.
But, darling, our home is
so empty without you.
But, darling, our home is
so empty without you.
Look, you'd better get out of
So empty without you.
Look, you'd better get out of
here before rudy gets here.
Look, you'd better get out of
here before rudy gets here.
Oh, god, too late.
Here before rudy gets here.
Oh, god, too late.
You're dead, freak.
Oh, god, too late.
You're dead, freak.
Rudy, baby!
You're dead, freak.
Rudy, baby!
Tracy, take a secure
Rudy, baby!
Tracy, take a secure
position.
Tracy, take a secure
position.
Trouble's afoot.
Position.
Trouble's afoot.
Is that the freak?
Trouble's afoot.
Is that the freak?
I'll k*ll him!
Is that the freak?
I'll k*ll him!
I'll k*ll him!
I'll k*ll him!
I'll k*ll him!
Go, baby, go!
I'll k*ll him!
Go, baby, go!
Aah!
Go, baby, go!
Aah!
Come here, freak.
Aah!
Come here, freak.
I'll k*ll you.
Come here, freak.
I'll k*ll you.
Tracy, you can curl up nice
I'll k*ll you.
Tracy, you can curl up nice
and comfortable under the
Tracy, you can curl up nice
and comfortable under the
dashboard.
And comfortable under the
dashboard.
Sir, clearly, you've developed a
Dashboard.
Sir, clearly, you've developed a
fondness for my lovely wife.
Sir, clearly, you've developed a
fondness for my lovely wife.
Who can blame you?
Fondness for my lovely wife.
Who can blame you?
I myself was smitten by here lo
Who can blame you?
I myself was smitten by here lo
these years ago.
I myself was smitten by here lo
these years ago.
She is my life.
02x07 - Episode 7
Watch/Buy Amazon
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.