14x02 - The Amazing Rudy

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

Morning, pancake.
Sorry, did I wake you up?

I didn't sleep that great.
It's Saturday morning.

So tonight is Saturday
night, which is...

You-know-what. Yup.

Feeling a little... stressed, I guess.

Should we do that thing that
calms me down? Yeah? Okay.

♪ One, two, three.
Islands in the stream ♪

♪ that is what we are. ♪

Okay, no, I'm sorry, that's where

you're supposed to come in.

- [SYLVESTER] Rudy, breakfast.
- Okay. Coming.

I made something pretty
egg-cellent for us.

It's eggs. That's why I said that.

I, uh, looked up the
menu for the restaurant

we're going to tonight, and...

- They have breadsticks.
- Oh, yum. That's great.

Yep. And dipping sauces,
if you can believe it.

You excited? I'm excited.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Yes.

And now I'm familiar with the menu,

so I can just relax
and enjoy the evening.

Focus on having fun with everybody.

'Cause it's gonna be so fun.

- For sure.
- You jazzed?

- Very jazzed.
- Jazzed twins, aren't we?

Okay, I'm gonna go get the car washed,

and then I need to exchange
a shirt at the mall.

- Y-You want to come?
- Sure.

Decided to get a size bigger.

Been putting on a few
muscles lately. Little bit.

- Uh-huh.
- Is this muscle bigger?

- Oh, y-yes.
- Feel it.

Whoa... oh, wait. No, that's your elbow.

Whoa.

Yup, that's 'cause I installed

- that pull-up bar.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, I had someone
else install it for me.

But I use it. Couple times a month.

Hey, dad, can we can
stop at the magic store

on the way to the mall? I want
to get a new trick for tonight.

Oh, right, of course. The
main event of these dinners.

Tableside magic by the amazing Rudy.

- I mean, I-I try to bring it.
- And you do bring it.

Now, can you make my
armpit eczema disappear?

[CHUCKLES] Just a little
joke. It's-it's under control.

- Pretty much.
- Yeah, it is. Fist bump.

- Oh, wait. No, I thought...
- Yeah, I went for the,

I was going for the
high-five, so, sorry.

I thought we
were fist-bumping.

Yeah. Okay, no, you said
fist bump, so let's...

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Hold on. Here, here we go.

Okay, that's... n-now
you're just grabbing my...

Okay, I'm gonna... uh,
here I go, I'm gonna let go.

No, no, no. You got to stay in the car.

A magician never lets people
come with him into a magic shop.

Right. Right. Uh, you need money?

I'm good. I've still got $
left over from mowing lawns.

- Well, I mean... one lawn.
- Yeah.

It was a fun way to learn
I'm allergic to grass.

I'm glad they found me when they did.

-Hmm...
-[ESMERALDA] Is that Rudy the cutie?

Oh, hi, Esmeralda. Yeah it's me.

Horace here, too?

No, he's at a cape
conference in Cape Cod.

Told him to bring me
back something flashy.

Looking for anything in particular?

Well, looking for something
that can really wow

a group and work in
a restaurant situation.

Okay.

So maybe it could be
kind of an icebreaker,

maybe sort of a conversation piece.

Just, you know, a
magic trick that brings

all of humanity together,

even in the most awkward
of fine dining experiences.

- Under $, please.
- Hmm...

All right, teeny Houdini.

We just got a new sleeve scarf trick in.

Two more scarves in this one.

- Mm...
- Okay, how about rings?

- Yeah, uh, I don't know.
- Okay, let me think.

- Is this a fancy restaurant?
- They serve breadsticks.

Hmm. Oh, I have just the thing.

Sodium polyacrylate.

Sodium poly... what'd you say?

Step over here and I'll
show you how it works.

It'll be perfect for the setting.

It's $. plus tax.

Leaves you a little
left over for a cocktail.

- You're , right?
- I turned last month,

but thank you. [CHUCKLES]

Just kidding. Oh, it
feels good to laugh.

[SYLVESTER] So, uh,
Rudy, a-about tonight...

Yep. I'm jazzed. Whoo!

- Oh, yeah, yeah. No, me, too. Me, too.
- Great.

But I-I-I did want to say,

I know these dinners, you know, um...

You-you've always been
a trooper, and, uh,

and-and-and-and I know tonight is gonna

be a little different, you
know, uh, guest-list-wise.

And, oop, okay, it's our turn.

All right. Here we go.

- [LOUD WHIRRING]
- I-i-i was...

I was just saying, I-I mean,

I just... I-I-I wanted to
say... uh, this is so loud.

Yeah, it is!

- Yeah, I-I think Paul's very nice!
- What?!

And-and-and we all
love you so very much!

- What?!
- And we love...

- What?!
- I said...

[SYLVESTER] Hi. Uh, can I
exchange this for a size up?

[CLERK] Of course.

[SYLVESTER] Put a
chin-up bar in my house,

and my sleeves have noticed.

- [CLERK] What?
- [SYLVESTER] Nothing. Nothing.

Hey, dad, can I meet
you at better off head?

- Oh, uh, th-the kiosk?
- Yeah.

Maybe I'll wear a hat tonight.
Little head candy never hurt.

Okay. Yeah, sure. Hey.

Don't try on any hats I wouldn't try on.

I know. No berets.

They just don't work with
our family's head shape.

Hmm. Not really me, but not not me.

Ooh, now that's a daring Danny.

[TINA] People made wishes
with those coins, Louise.

But what if their wish was for us

to use that change to get a
giant chocolate chip cookie?

My wish is just to soak my
barking dogs for a minute.

Okay, kids. Your dad bought
his new special pillow.

For my special neck.

We love that you can't
turn your head all the way.

- We get away with so much.
- Hmm.

Come on. Let's go pick out grandma

and grandpa's anniversary gift.

Okay. Tina was thinking

about stealing money from the fountain.

Wait, what? No, I wasn't.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

[LINDA] We could get 'em
these glass turtles with

the red heart in between that says

"we're turtle-y in love."

- [TINA] Classy.
- Or...

The wooden paperweight
with the Eiffel Tower carved

into it that says
"paperweights are for lovers"?

- Trashy.
- [RUDY] Hey, guys.

Rude-a-than.

What brings you to the mall, young man?

- Oh, I was just looking at hats.
- In all the wrong places?

Just kidding. The mall's
a good place to find a hat.

And a spouse.

Okay, Rudy, if you were my parents,

which one would you want?

- Huh?
- You're here,

you're a part of this now.

Oh, uh, they're both confusing.

- [LINDA HUFFS]
- [COUGHS] Turtles.

Let's just pick something
and pay for it, please.

We got to get home and make
my Gene-got-a-b-minus dinner.

Because I got my science
grade up from an f-plus.

- Aw, my little bunsen burner.
- Guy gets one b-minus.

I get to pick any dinner I want,

and I picked loaded
baked potato lasagna,

which is something I made up

when I was definitely
paying attention in science.

Are you sure you don't
want something else?

It's my day.

- It's his day, dad.
- Yup.

It's just, just, I'm not
sure lasagna should include

a loaded baked potato
or a cornbread crust.

Rudy, you should come over for dinner.

I think it's gonna be one of
the worst foods we've ever tried.

Uh, actually, I can't
come. I have plans.

Ooh. Plans. Fancy.

- Look at you.
- Are you going to the opera?

- Watch out for phantoms.
- No, it's just a family thing.

That's okay, I'm sure
Gene will talk my mom

into making gross food
some other time, too.

Thanks. Well, better get
back to better off head.

My dad's meeting me
there. See you at school.

I'm not sure I'm gonna go anymore,

- but if I do, I'll look you up.
- Okay.

Yeah, and I probably don't need to go

because I'm so smart now, but maybe.

- All right, here we go.
- Yep.

Our monthly "we're still a
family" dinner with your mom.

But now with my friend Vicki

and your mom's friend Paul. Boyfriend.

- Boy who's a friend.
- Right.

Yeah, it's gonna be a great night.

Yep. Yeah. Great. Just
all of us just hanging out.

Hey, do you think I should,
uh, tuck my shirt in?

It is long.

There's just a... it's
just a lot of fabric.

Tucked in, it looks like
I got puffy underwear on.

Cool puffy underwear.

Maybe I blouse it a
little bit, like this?

Should I not wear this hat?

What? No. Confident Conrad,
it's a, it's a great look.

Yeah, but... well, maybe I won't.

No, now I'm going untucked. Untucked.

- Okay.
- Maybe, maybe yes on the hat.

- I mean, it's hard to tell.
- Did this get longer?

I mean, it's, like,
down to my knees now.

Or I could do hat off.
Maybe I just carry it.

You know what, we both
look great. Let's go.

We're leaving the condo.

- I, I have to poop.
- Oh, boy, really?

You know what, I need to go, too.

- Untucking.
- Okay, can I go first?

- No, that's...
- And cutting in line, cutting in line.

- Excuse me.
- Dad, ah, you pushed me!

I'm sorry. You know how I am.

Play music. It's gonna be bad.

- [RUDY] Turn on the fan.
- [SYLVESTER CRIES OUT]

- How's the weather back there?
- What?

Just... how's the temperature?
You need some AC or heat?

- It's good.
- Good.

Oh, oh, good, you got the backpack.

Glad you didn't forget it.

Your literal "bag of tricks." [CHUCKLES]

It wouldn't be a family dinner

without the latest amazing Rudy trick.

I've actually been trying out
Rudy the Illusionary Visionary.

- Ooh, chills.
- Yeah, not to build it up too much.

Sure, sure. No. Of course.

So glad we do these dinners,
me, you and your mom.

And now we're adding some more people,

but that's good, too, right?

I mean, Paul and Vicki.

And me and your mom.

I-I mean, I mean,
not Paul-and-Vicki.

Your mom and Paul, and me and Vicki.

A-And you, of course.
You're the guest of honor.

But not a guest 'cause you're our child.

If anyone's a guest, it's Vicki

'cause she and I haven't been
seeing each other very long.

Dad, you sound kinda nervous.

Ha, yeah, I guess I am a little.

Got the motormouth
going there, didn't I?

Uh, not in a bad way.

But, okay, if I do that at dinner

just kick me under the table, please.

- Okay, dad.
- Yeah, but not too hard.

You know how my calves bruise.

That's what makes them interesting.

Beautiful rainbow calves.

Thanks, pal.

[SYLVESTER] So... [CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, so, should we get
a drink at the bar?

[VICKI] I'd love a drink.

[RUDY'S MOM] Oh, it
looks kind of crowded.

[PAUL] I could try and get us
drinks and bring 'em back here.

[SYLVESTER] Oh. Oh,
that's... that's nice of you.

I-I'm good. Or unless
you... you want to?

If-if you are going, i'd
take a glass of red wine,

if they have a, uh...

Vicki, what's the...
What's the red I like?

[VICKI] I have no idea.

[SYLVESTER] [LAUGHS]
Okay, maybe a Margarita.

Or you know what? It's so
hard to carry four drinks.

Just don't worry about it.
It's actually... i'm-I'm good.

[HOSTESS] Stieblitz party of five?

[SYLVESTER] Oh, that's
us, just like the show.

You know, the TV show Party of Five?

- [HOSTESS] I'm sorry, I don't know it.
- Sure you do.

It was really popular in the 's.

- [HOSTESS] I was born in .
- Oh, uh, all right.

Let's just go to the table.

♪ ♪

Ah!

- Ta-da!
- [SYLVESTER] Oh.

Oh.

[SYLVESTER LAUGHS]

Oh.

[LAUGHTER]

Uh, welcome, everyone. I am
Rudy the Illusionary Visionary.

- I love it.
- And now, empty cup, right?

Please pass it around and
confirm that this is in fact

a normal plastic cup.

- Yup, empty.
- Beer pong, anyone?

- Totally normal.
- Couldn't be more empty.

And now I take this
totally normal water here.

- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh. - Yeah.

And I will pour it into the
cup, say a few magic words.

Mandy Patinkin, Mandy Patinkin.

I will turn it over, and
the water will be gone.

- Whoa.
- Uh-oh. - Oh. Oh. Oh, my god.

- Oh, boy. - My suede slacks.
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. That wasn't
supposed to happen like that.

I didn't do enough banter.

I was supposed to wait seconds.

That's okay, honey. I
loved it, loved the trick.

Can we, uh, get some napkins over here?

- But it didn't work.
- Anything I can help you with, folks?

Uh, it's just a little
spill, no big deal.

A towel or some napkins would be great.

- What is this stuff?
- Sodium polyacrylate.

- What?
- I'm not supposed to reveal my tricks.

It-it-it's okay to-to
tell, if it stains.

Sodium polyacrylate. I-I
don't think it stains.

It's what they put in diapers.

- It's what? - It's what?
- I was supposed to wait

for the powder to absorb the water.

Hey, hey, hey, don't-don't sweat it.

How about you try the
trick again after dessert?

No, I can't. I only brought one packet.

I got to go to the bathroom. Excuse me.

[WHIMPERING]

[CRIES SOFTLY, SNIFFLES]

[SNIFFLING]

Are you all right?

Oh, yup, totally. That's okay.

Th-thank you for... nice
to meet you. [GRUNTS]

[SNIFFLES]

[GENE] And good night to you. Mwah.

And good night to you. Mwah.

And good night to you. Mwah.

And good night to you. Mwah.
And good night to you. Mwah.

And to you, Kevin. Mwah.

Good night to you most of all.

- Gene, please stop kissing the ketchups.
- Never!

- Good night, Kevin.
- Aw, Kevin.

- Rudy?!
- None of them are named Rudy.

No, look, it's Rudy.

He must have come for dinner after all.

Rudy, come in.

I mean, actually don't
come in. We're coming out.

I got to go take the super
lasagna out of the oven.

What happened to your dinner
thing? You get stood up?

Oh, it got moved around.

Great. Now you can have
gross lasagna with us.

Yeah. Go on up. Did your
parents drop you off?

Oh, uh, yup. Yeah, they dropped me off.

Okay, I'll just finish by myself.

Great idea, dad. That's
why you're the boss.

Look at that, Rudy. I can't
wait to see her come out.

- It's beautiful.
- Isn't it?

My creation, come to life.

This must be how dad felt
when I was being born.

- My lasagna is crowning!
- [BOB] Whoa.

Wow. Lot... lot of smells.

Some I don't understand?

Okay, time to take this
thing out of the oven.

Whew! Ugh. Heavy.

It weighs, like, pounds.

That's the ideal weight for a lasagna.

- [BOB] Hmm.
- [GENE CLEARS THROAT]

Before we dig in, I just
want to say a few words.

[CLEARS THROAT] I could never
have made this dream a reality

without the people who were
there to help me along the way.

Mom, who's the wind beneath my noodles

- and the boss of all my sauce.
- [LINDA] Aw.

[GENE] Dad for not
standing in my way with mom.

- [BOB] Hmm.
- [GENE] Tina and Louise

for letting me shine
brighter than you ever could.

Rudy, love you, bro. Now let's eat!

Okay, focus group.

I want everyone's reactions,
summed up in one word.

- Mom, go.
- Uh... a lot.

Okay, that's two words,

but I'll let it slide
because you made it.

- Dad.
- So much.

- Wrong. Louise.
- Food, question Mark?

Strike that from the record. Tina.

Uh, lot of cheese and bacon

and noodles and red
sauce and ground beef

and chives and sour cream.

And, um, is that a piece of bagel?

Yup. Cinnamon raisin. One word, please.

Okay, I'll say... bagel.

I feel like you guys aren't
rising to the challenge.

- Rudy, reaction.
- One word? Groundbreaking.

It's definitely better
than what I ordered.

- What you ordered?
- Ordered...

Myself to eat at home.

I said, "Rudy, I order
you to eat this food."

Okay.

Rudy, are you sure your
parents know where you are?

Oh, yeah. I-I-I asked them

if I could come over,
and they said, "oh, yeah."

Okay, but maybe I should
give 'em just a quick call

and check what time they want you back.

What's your mom's number? Or your dad's?

Or who are you with right now?

Oh, um, I'm wi-with...

You're with your dad
this weekend, right?

He was at the mall?

Yeah, either. You can call either.

They're-they're together. I
mean, they're not together,

but it's complicated.

- But if you had to pick one...
- To call.

Yeah, to call. Not
pick one, like pick one.

God. Sorry.

He's been in there a while.

Did he eat something funky earlier?

I don't think so.

I know he pooped before
we left the house.

We both did. I'm sorry.

- Maybe I should go check on him.
- Uh, give him another minute.

You know, he's at that age where
he doesn't always want us to...

Right, yeah, yes.

What was it called again? The stuff?

Oh, um, poly-carbonated something.

- Sodium poly-calca... ah.
- Sodium poly-Cal... Cal... uh.

- [BOTH] Mm-hmm.
- Did he say it's from diapers?

- Probably not from used ones.
- Did he?

It's going to voice mail.
Oh, the mailbox is full.

Who decides when it's full?

The little man who
lives inside the phone?

Well, this has been fun,
but, uh, I should get going,

- get back to my family.
- But you just got here.

- Is it the lasagna?
- [GASPS] Impossible.

Well, how are you gonna get home?

I think it's a little too
late to walk by yourself.

Is it the smell? There is an odd smell.

- Father!
- No. No! I-I just, um...

I kinda, I kinda...

walked out of dinner with my mom

and her boyfriend and
my dad and his... Vicki.

We were all eating dinner
together for the first time,

which, I guess, is how
family dinners are gonna be

from now on, and I...
I did a magic trick,

and it was gonna be pretty
good, but I messed it up.

And I, and I guess...

Yeah, uh, technically, I ran away.

- Wait, what?!
- Oh, boy.

Um, they think I'm in the
bathroom at the restaurant,

- so, uh, I should go.
- Oh.

Uh, or they might be
calling the police right now?

I mean, sometimes

I take a pretty long
time in the bathroom.

Brother, don't ever let
them make you feel bad

for sitting through the credits.

I'm gonna... try your dad again.

And may-maybe your mom, too.

- Just to let 'em know that you're safe.
- Right, yeah, right.

And why don't I just drive Rudy back

and walk him in? That'll be fine.

Yeah, that-that-that
makes a lot of sense.

-Yeah.
-Uh, thank... thanks for having me.

- It was really nice.
- Yeah, of course, hon.

I'm just gonna wait out here. [MUTTERS]

If it's okay, I just... yeah.

I'll pack you a lasagna doggie bag.

How many pounds you
want? Five? Ten? Hmm?

Okay, Bob will drop him
off soon. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Okay, bye. Did you
find the keys yet, Bob?

Almost. I'm sure they're
gonna show up somehow.

- Keys do that, right?
- Yeah.

- Now have you found them?
- Or now?

I promise to let everyone
know when I find the keys.

- Okay. How about now?
- Yeah. No, Tina.

Your folks are okay,
just a little rattled.

I mean, surprised. Totally fine.

Hopefully, Vicki's pants aren't stained.

I got sodium polyacrylate on 'em.

- Is that dr*gs?
- No, it's from the magic trick

I tried to do at dinner.

Oh, I'm sure Vicki's
pants are fine, hon.

It's not like they were
suede or something, right?

- They were suede.
- [GENE GASPS]

Okay, it's fine. It's fine, honey.

- [RUDY SIGHS HEAVILY]
- [BOB] Okay, I found the keys.

- Great job, dad.
- Thank you.

- Do you still have them?
- Yeah. Yes.

- Um, can I walk Rudy back?
- What? - What?

Can I walk back to the
restaurant with him?

- Where is it?
- It's, uh...

It-it-it's really
close, I, uh, I-I think.

I-I walked. I was walking.

And-and not crying, at all.

Th-then I was here, and...

It's that way a few blocks.

- Oh, plate and fork?
- Yeah.

- How is it?
- I don't know.

Kind of like a place
where adults eat food?

Sounds like a hoot. Probably a
good thing if I tag along, huh?

Stay for dinner, make
amusing small talk?

Oh, really? I mean, yeah.

If you come, you can have half my meal,

and then my dad can drop
you off here on our way home.

Sure, that lasagna was more
like an appetizer anyway.

- Oh, please.
- So I'll walk rudes back to his foods?

- Sound good?
- Uh, oh, uh...

- It's kind of dark.
- Yeah, it's not a problem.

I can get my brass knuckles.

Anyone messes with us on the way,

you dazzle 'em with magic,
and I'll dazzle 'em with pain.

- That's my girl.
- You have brass knuckles?

Yeah. Christmas? Last year?

Why did Santa bring those to you?

Well, maybe Santa's from the streets.

Santa wasn't worried about
siblings being knuckled?

- Dad. - Bob.
- Okay, you can go.

May-maybe no brass knuckles, though.

- Just bare fists?
- Come on, Rudy.

Well, bye. An-and thanks again.

I'll call your parents and tell 'em

you and Louise are on your way over,

and, uh, oh, Louise, let
me give you some money

so you can pay for your
food. Bob, you got any money?

- How much money?
- Um, eight dollars?

Okay, uh, I'm sure there's
a soup or something.

I'm not getting soup.

But I'll give 'em the eight
bucks, and I'll tell 'em

you're good for the rest.

- You think they'll believe it?
- You can work out a payment plan.

Okay. We're going. Goodbye.

- You two, uh, have fun.
- Yeah. Bye.

- Don't you have a lasagna to finish?
- Yes.

Oh, god.

I've thought of her every
moment I've been away.

♪ Why don't you lead me... ♪

They-they'll be totally fine.

No, I know. I just wanted to watch.

What kind of desserts do
they have at this place?

I'm not sure. They've got breadsticks.

Okay. They can put sugar
on breadsticks, right?

I bet they can. It's
a pretty classy place.

Sweet girl we got there.

- She is sometimes, isn't she?
- [GENE] Family!

Why am I the only one
sitting at the table?!

So what was this magic trick you did?

Making water disappear. It
would have been pretty cool.

Well, you got any other tricks?

You can saw me in half if you want to.

I think I could take it.

Oh. You could help me
do "who's got the coin?"

- You could be my secret partner.
- Sure.

Yeah, there's a very simple code
I'm gonna teach you right now.

- All right.
- But promise not to tell anyone.

- Okay, okay, Rudy, geez.
- But also, if you mess up, it's fine.

♪ Take me by the hand ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ and why don't you lead me ♪

♪ lead me to love ♪

♪ right now ♪

♪ in everything you do ♪

♪ and why can't you see, girl ♪

♪ I need a little love right now ♪

♪ and show me that you do ♪

♪ I want to hear you say ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, baby. ♪