02x18 - Episode 18

[bunniefuu]

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Suspenseful music plays ]
I can't believe my bike seat

[ Suspenseful music plays ]
I can't believe my bike seat
was stolen again.

I can't believe my bike seat
was stolen again.
Who but a man would steal a

Was stolen again.
Who but a man would steal a
woman's bike seat?

Who but a man would steal a
woman's bike seat?
How violent.

Woman's bike seat?
How violent.
[ Sighs ] men.

How violent.
[ Sighs ] men.
You are right.

[ Sighs ] men.
You are right.
I must increase my self-loathing

You are right.
I must increase my self-loathing
quotient.

I must increase my self-loathing
quotient.
Man! Man! Man!

Quotient.
Man! Man! Man!
Enough.

Man! Man! Man!
Enough.
[ Knock on door ]

Enough.
[ Knock on door ]
shh!

What is the password?

What is the password?
One world, one people, one

What is the password?
One world, one people, one
chance on this planet -- that's

One world, one people, one
chance on this planet -- that's
why we meet at : a.m.

Chance on this planet -- that's
why we meet at : a.m.
Yes.

Why we meet at : a.m.
Yes.
You are late.

Yes.
You are late.
I'm always late, shona.

You are late.
I'm always late, shona.
Adapt.

I'm always late, shona.
Adapt.
[ Groans ] done.

Adapt.
[ Groans ] done.
Let the humanoids of humanism

[ Groans ] done.
Let the humanoids of humanism
meeting begin.

Let the humanoids of humanism
meeting begin.
Ho!

Meeting begin.
Ho!
Okay, first up on the

Ho!
Okay, first up on the
agenda -- the feminist bake sale

Okay, first up on the
agenda -- the feminist bake sale
was a disappointment.

Agenda -- the feminist bake sale
was a disappointment.
Of course it was.

Was a disappointment.
Of course it was.
I blame her.

Of course it was.
I blame her.
The tracy chapman buns were

I blame her.
The tracy chapman buns were
inedible!

The tracy chapman buns were
inedible!
No, they were hard and

Inedible!
No, they were hard and
honest, in keeping with the

No, they were hard and
honest, in keeping with the
world in which we live.

Honest, in keeping with the
world in which we live.
Shona, relax.

World in which we live.
Shona, relax.
Don't get your caftan in a knot.

Shona, relax.
Don't get your caftan in a knot.
No, I'm tired of sitting here

Don't get your caftan in a knot.
No, I'm tired of sitting here
and not doing anything, while

No, I'm tired of sitting here
and not doing anything, while
sexist pigs with lies in their

And not doing anything, while
sexist pigs with lies in their
throats and wedding-band tan

Sexist pigs with lies in their
throats and wedding-band tan
lines on their little fingers

Throats and wedding-band tan
lines on their little fingers
harass my sisters.

Lines on their little fingers
harass my sisters.
Shona, relax!

Harass my sisters.
Shona, relax!
No!

Shona, relax!
No!
Too much chaos will fragment

No!
Too much chaos will fragment
our cause!

Too much chaos will fragment
our cause!
No! It's time to make a

Our cause!
No! It's time to make a
stand.

No! It's time to make a
stand.
Cabbage head must die!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]
uh-oh. Lyle, would you mind

[ Cheers and applause ]
uh-oh. Lyle, would you mind
closing the door, please?

Uh-oh. Lyle, would you mind
closing the door, please?
People, something very

Closing the door, please?
People, something very
disturbing has arisen today.

People, something very
disturbing has arisen today.
I'm glad you're feeling

Disturbing has arisen today.
I'm glad you're feeling
better, sir.

I'm glad you're feeling
better, sir.
Oh, no.

Better, sir.
Oh, no.
No, no, you misunderstand.

Oh, no.
No, no, you misunderstand.
I'm referring to this disturbing

No, no, you misunderstand.
I'm referring to this disturbing
piece of mail I received,

I'm referring to this disturbing
piece of mail I received,
although the doctors have told

Piece of mail I received,
although the doctors have told
me not to give up hope.

Although the doctors have told
me not to give up hope.
Allow me to read.

Me not to give up hope.
Allow me to read.
"Dear friends, this letter has

Allow me to read.
"Dear friends, this letter has
been sent to you for good luck.

"Dear friends, this letter has
been sent to you for good luck.
Luck and prosperity have come to

Been sent to you for good luck.
Luck and prosperity have come to
all those who have continued

Luck and prosperity have come to
all those who have continued
the chain.

All those who have continued
the chain.
But to those foolish enough to

The chain.
But to those foolish enough to
break the chain, tragedy and

But to those foolish enough to
break the chain, tragedy and
misfortune has been their

Break the chain, tragedy and
misfortune has been their
reward.

Misfortune has been their
reward.
Please select worthy

Reward.
Please select worthy
recipients and send them

Please select worthy
recipients and send them
handwritten copies of this

Recipients and send them
handwritten copies of this
letter within two days."

Handwritten copies of this
letter within two days."
It's a chain letter.

Letter within two days."
It's a chain letter.
Yes.

It's a chain letter.
Yes.
Lyle, would you mind closing

Yes.
Lyle, would you mind closing
the door again?

Lyle, would you mind closing
the door again?
No, sir, not at all.

The door again?
No, sir, not at all.
Now, we must select worthy

No, sir, not at all.
Now, we must select worthy
recipients, but we must select

Now, we must select worthy
recipients, but we must select
them carefully.

Recipients, but we must select
them carefully.
Yes?

Them carefully.
Yes?
Uh, I have an idea.

Yes?
Uh, I have an idea.
Why don't we throw it away?

Uh, I have an idea.
Why don't we throw it away?
It's a stupid chain letter.

Why don't we throw it away?
It's a stupid chain letter.
Henderson, you're new here.

It's a stupid chain letter.
Henderson, you're new here.
I don't think you grasp the

Henderson, you're new here.
I don't think you grasp the
severity of the situation.

I don't think you grasp the
severity of the situation.
Yes, exactly, exactly.

Severity of the situation.
Yes, exactly, exactly.
Perhaps I should read on for

Yes, exactly, exactly.
Perhaps I should read on for
henderson's benefit, here.

Perhaps I should read on for
henderson's benefit, here.
Perhaps.

Henderson's benefit, here.
Perhaps.
"Some of those people who

Perhaps.
"Some of those people who
have decided to continue this

"Some of those people who
have decided to continue this
letter are the bottlers of

Have decided to continue this
letter are the bottlers of
pepsi-cola and the country of

Letter are the bottlers of
pepsi-cola and the country of
japan."

Pepsi-cola and the country of
japan."
Now, they've done pretty well

Japan."
Now, they've done pretty well
for themselves, don't you think,

Now, they've done pretty well
for themselves, don't you think,
huh?

For themselves, don't you think,
huh?
Yes.

Huh?
Yes.
"Amongst those who have broken

Yes.
"Amongst those who have broken
the chain was the ill-fated

"Amongst those who have broken
the chain was the ill-fated
manufacturer of mud gum.

The chain was the ill-fated
manufacturer of mud gum.
Do not ignore this.

Manufacturer of mud gum.
Do not ignore this.
Make the wise choice."

Do not ignore this.
Make the wise choice."
Now, henderson -- do you want us

Make the wise choice."
Now, henderson -- do you want us
to wind up like mud gum?

Now, henderson -- do you want us
to wind up like mud gum?
But they made mud gum.

To wind up like mud gum?
But they made mud gum.
They made gum with an artificial

But they made mud gum.
They made gum with an artificial
mud flavor.

They made gum with an artificial
mud flavor.
Yes, but they broke the chain

Mud flavor.
Yes, but they broke the chain
and they went under.

Yes, but they broke the chain
and they went under.
But they made mud gum!

And they went under.
But they made mud gum!
Their product was bad.

But they made mud gum!
Their product was bad.
Their thinking was wrong.

Their product was bad.
Their thinking was wrong.
It was mud gum!

Their thinking was wrong.
It was mud gum!
But we'll never know for

It was mud gum!
But we'll never know for
sure, will we?

But we'll never know for
sure, will we?
Exactly. Here's $ american.

Sure, will we?
Exactly. Here's $ american.
Good boy.

Exactly. Here's $ american.
Good boy.
Now, I say, if we want to stay

Good boy.
Now, I say, if we want to stay
competitive with the japanese,

Now, I say, if we want to stay
competitive with the japanese,
we must continue the letter!

Competitive with the japanese,
we must continue the letter!
Yes.

We must continue the letter!
Yes.
This is idiotic.

Yes.
This is idiotic.
Idiotic?

This is idiotic.
Idiotic?
Idiotic is it, henderson?!

Idiotic?
Idiotic is it, henderson?!
Idiotic?

Idiotic is it, henderson?!
Idiotic?
Billingsly.

Idiotic?
Billingsly.
Seven feet.

Billingsly.
Seven feet.
Three and a half feet.

Seven feet.
Three and a half feet.
Is that the desk of an idiot,

Three and a half feet.
Is that the desk of an idiot,
henderson?

Is that the desk of an idiot,
henderson?
Huh, henderson?

Henderson?
Huh, henderson?
How big is your desk?

Huh, henderson?
How big is your desk?
I don't know, I've never --

How big is your desk?
I don't know, I've never --
how big, henderson?

I don't know, I've never --
how big, henderson?
I never measured --

How big, henderson?
I never measured --
henderson?

I never measured --
henderson?
Two feet by three.

Henderson?
Two feet by three.
Now that is the desk of an

Two feet by three.
Now that is the desk of an
idiot.

Now that is the desk of an
idiot.
Ha ha, yes. [ Smooches ]

Idiot.
Ha ha, yes. [ Smooches ]
you must look awfully stupid

Ha ha, yes. [ Smooches ]
you must look awfully stupid
sitting behind that desk,

You must look awfully stupid
sitting behind that desk,
henderson.

Sitting behind that desk,
henderson.
Now, everyone in favor of doing

Henderson.
Now, everyone in favor of doing
exactly what I want to, because

Now, everyone in favor of doing
exactly what I want to, because
you're all afraid of me, raise

Exactly what I want to, because
you're all afraid of me, raise
your hands.

You're all afraid of me, raise
your hands.
Excellent.

Your hands.
Excellent.
Now get the hell out of here.

Excellent.
Now get the hell out of here.
And I want handwritten copies

Now get the hell out of here.
And I want handwritten copies
of that letter on my desk by

And I want handwritten copies
of that letter on my desk by
this afternoon.

Of that letter on my desk by
this afternoon.
Got me?

This afternoon.
Got me?
Hello, doctor?

Got me?
Hello, doctor?
Yes, yes, I've sent the letter

Hello, doctor?
Yes, yes, I've sent the letter
in, and I've decided to go for

Yes, yes, I've sent the letter
in, and I've decided to go for
the implant.

This morning I came down to

This morning I came down to
my kitchen to find that my drain

This morning I came down to
my kitchen to find that my drain
was clogged.

My kitchen to find that my drain
was clogged.
I'll spare you the details, just

Was clogged.
I'll spare you the details, just
suffice it to say the clog was

I'll spare you the details, just
suffice it to say the clog was
this close to being a felony.

Suffice it to say the clog was
this close to being a felony.
So, I headed off to the mall to

This close to being a felony.
So, I headed off to the mall to
browse for a plunger.

So, I headed off to the mall to
browse for a plunger.
You know, they say that this

Browse for a plunger.
You know, they say that this
country is going downhill,

You know, they say that this
country is going downhill,
that the free enterprise spirit

Country is going downhill,
that the free enterprise spirit
somehow went out of us.

That the free enterprise spirit
somehow went out of us.
Well, I say tell that to the kid

Somehow went out of us.
Well, I say tell that to the kid
who sold me this plunger!

Well, I say tell that to the kid
who sold me this plunger!
He was a great salesman, and

Who sold me this plunger!
He was a great salesman, and
therefore a great man.

He was a great salesman, and
therefore a great man.
He didn't do anything fancy.

Therefore a great man.
He didn't do anything fancy.
He just started off slow.

He didn't do anything fancy.
He just started off slow.
He came up to me and said,

He just started off slow.
He came up to me and said,
"excuse me, sir.

He came up to me and said,
"excuse me, sir.
Are you buying this for a

"Excuse me, sir.
Are you buying this for a
clogged drain or do you have

Are you buying this for a
clogged drain or do you have
something more interesting in

Clogged drain or do you have
something more interesting in
mind?"

Something more interesting in
mind?"
[ Laughter ]

Mind?"
[ Laughter ]
I know it was a bad joke, but

[ Laughter ]
I know it was a bad joke, but
it was a plunger joke and that's

I know it was a bad joke, but
it was a plunger joke and that's
what I was in the market for.

It was a plunger joke and that's
what I was in the market for.
I laughed, he made a sale.

What I was in the market for.
I laughed, he made a sale.
But he wasn't done.

I laughed, he made a sale.
But he wasn't done.
Then he said, "sir, may I ask

But he wasn't done.
Then he said, "sir, may I ask
how many washrooms you have?"

Then he said, "sir, may I ask
how many washrooms you have?"
I said, "I got two."

How many washrooms you have?"
I said, "I got two."
He said, "sir, you need a

I said, "I got two."
He said, "sir, you need a
minimum of seven plungers."

He said, "sir, you need a
minimum of seven plungers."
[ Laughter ]

Minimum of seven plungers."
[ Laughter ]
I just stared at him.

[ Laughter ]
I just stared at him.
Far off, I think I heard a dog

I just stared at him.
Far off, I think I heard a dog
bark, it was that vivid for me.

Far off, I think I heard a dog
bark, it was that vivid for me.
I said, "okay, let's hear your

Bark, it was that vivid for me.
I said, "okay, let's hear your
pitch."

I said, "okay, let's hear your
pitch."
Well, as you can guess, it

Pitch."
Well, as you can guess, it
was a pretty good pitch.

Well, as you can guess, it
was a pretty good pitch.
He said that if a guy was

Was a pretty good pitch.
He said that if a guy was
living his life right, he should

He said that if a guy was
living his life right, he should
be going through plungers like

Living his life right, he should
be going through plungers like
toothpicks.

Be going through plungers like
toothpicks.
He said that my plungers would

Toothpicks.
He said that my plungers would
be witnesses to all the events

He said that my plungers would
be witnesses to all the events
in my life, the good and the

Be witnesses to all the events
in my life, the good and the
bad, the marriages, the

In my life, the good and the
bad, the marriages, the
birthdays, the divorces, the

Bad, the marriages, the
birthdays, the divorces, the
renewals.

Birthdays, the divorces, the
renewals.
A whole new life revolving

Renewals.
A whole new life revolving
around secure plumbing.

A whole new life revolving
around secure plumbing.
He painted a picture for me of

Around secure plumbing.
He painted a picture for me of
my grateful and glowing wife

He painted a picture for me of
my grateful and glowing wife
standing giddy and perhaps even

My grateful and glowing wife
standing giddy and perhaps even
mildly aroused by the sight of

Standing giddy and perhaps even
mildly aroused by the sight of
her big bad hunter husband

Mildly aroused by the sight of
her big bad hunter husband
coming home with seven new

Her big bad hunter husband
coming home with seven new
plungers.

Coming home with seven new
plungers.
He even...even told me how

Plungers.
He even...even told me how
plungers could help the

He even...even told me how
plungers could help the
relationship with my son.

Plungers could help the
relationship with my son.
How a new understanding could

Relationship with my son.
How a new understanding could
be lubricated -- that's the word

How a new understanding could
be lubricated -- that's the word
he used, lubricated -- by the

Be lubricated -- that's the word
he used, lubricated -- by the
gift of a plunger for that

He used, lubricated -- by the
gift of a plunger for that
crummy basement apartment of

Gift of a plunger for that
crummy basement apartment of
his.

Crummy basement apartment of
his.
I mean, I knew it was crap,

His.
I mean, I knew it was crap,
but that's not the point.

I mean, I knew it was crap,
but that's not the point.
I mean, here I was watching a

But that's not the point.
I mean, here I was watching a
guy hard-selling another guy on

I mean, here I was watching a
guy hard-selling another guy on
something he could never

Guy hard-selling another guy on
something he could never
possibly use.

Something he could never
possibly use.
It was glorious.

Possibly use.
It was glorious.
That's free enterprise.

It was glorious.
That's free enterprise.
I just looked at him and said,

That's free enterprise.
I just looked at him and said,
"sell me, you beautiful bastard,

I just looked at him and said,
"sell me, you beautiful bastard,
sell me!"

"Sell me, you beautiful bastard,
sell me!"
I let him get me up to six,

Sell me!"
I let him get me up to six,
then I said, "that's it, come

I let him get me up to six,
then I said, "that's it, come
one, give me a break, I'm only

Then I said, "that's it, come
one, give me a break, I'm only
one guy."

One, give me a break, I'm only
one guy."
You want to know how he sold

One guy."
You want to know how he sold
me the seventh?

You want to know how he sold
me the seventh?
By giving me number eight for

Me the seventh?
By giving me number eight for
free.

By giving me number eight for
free.
Ah, he was good.

Free.
Ah, he was good.
Eight plungers?!

Ah, he was good.
Eight plungers?!
What the hell was I thinking?!

Eight plungers?!
What the hell was I thinking?!
Still...

[ Echoing ] die.

[ Echoing ] die.
Wait.

[ Echoing ] die.
Wait.
Is it right to k*ll a man just

Wait.
Is it right to k*ll a man just
because he deserves to die?

Is it right to k*ll a man just
because he deserves to die?
No.

Because he deserves to die?
No.
No.

No.
No.
Yes.

No.
Yes.
Yes.

Yes.
Yes.
To the lighthouse.

Yes.
To the lighthouse.
Let's go.

To the lighthouse.
Let's go.
Ho!

Let's go.
Ho!
Hoooo!

Ho!
Hoooo!
Oh, really?

Hoooo!
Oh, really?
I believe in honesty, too.

Oh, really?
I believe in honesty, too.
But I can only be honest with a

I believe in honesty, too.
But I can only be honest with a
woman if there's a physical

But I can only be honest with a
woman if there's a physical
commitment, first.

Woman if there's a physical
commitment, first.
Oh?

Commitment, first.
Oh?
So, if you'd do me, I'll tell

Oh?
So, if you'd do me, I'll tell
you my name.

So, if you'd do me, I'll tell
you my name.
Oh, I don't know.

You my name.
Oh, I don't know.
I think I might be making a

Oh, I don't know.
I think I might be making a
mistake...

I think I might be making a
mistake...
One that I've made many times

Mistake...
One that I've made many times
before.

One that I've made many times
before.
To err is human.

Before.
To err is human.
To spread for me, divine.

To err is human.
To spread for me, divine.
I don't know.

To spread for me, divine.
I don't know.
[ Grunting ]

I don't know.
[ Grunting ]
are you married?

[ Grunting ]
are you married?
[ Coughs ] yes, but I'm not

Are you married?
[ Coughs ] yes, but I'm not
happily married.

[ Coughs ] yes, but I'm not
happily married.
Uh, my wife is in a coma, and I

Happily married.
Uh, my wife is in a coma, and I
think she might be a lesbian.

Uh, my wife is in a coma, and I
think she might be a lesbian.
How do you know that?

Think she might be a lesbian.
How do you know that?
Because she stopped shaving

How do you know that?
Because she stopped shaving
her legs.

Because she stopped shaving
her legs.
Oh, yes, right, of

Her legs.
Oh, yes, right, of
course.

Oh, yes, right, of
course.
[ Crash ]

Course.
[ Crash ]
wha?

[ Crash ]
wha?
All right, where is he?

Wha?
All right, where is he?
There he is.

All right, where is he?
There he is.
There's cabbage head.

There he is.
There's cabbage head.
I used to wear nylons on

There's cabbage head.
I used to wear nylons on
my legs to do temp work.

I used to wear nylons on
my legs to do temp work.
Now I wear them on my face

My legs to do temp work.
Now I wear them on my face
to stop sexism.

Now I wear them on my face
to stop sexism.
Right on, sister.

To stop sexism.
Right on, sister.
Wow, I like her spunk.

Right on, sister.
Wow, I like her spunk.
So, little lady, I notice

Wow, I like her spunk.
So, little lady, I notice
you're not wearing a bra.

So, little lady, I notice
you're not wearing a bra.
Why don't you come over here --

You're not wearing a bra.
Why don't you come over here --
why don't you...

Why don't you come over here --
why don't you...
Eat lead, cabbage head!

Why don't you...
Eat lead, cabbage head!
Nooo!

Eat lead, cabbage head!
Nooo!
It worked.

Nooo!
It worked.
Let's go!

It worked.
Let's go!
Ho!

Let's go!
Ho!
Oh, my god.

Ho!
Oh, my god.
They've shot cabbage head!

Oh, my god.
They've shot cabbage head!
[ Sobbing ]

They've shot cabbage head!
[ Sobbing ]
[ weakly ] hold me.

[ Sobbing ]
[ weakly ] hold me.
Lower.

[ Weakly ] hold me.
Lower.
Lower.

Lower.
Lower.
It's all right.

Lower.
It's all right.
Undo my belt.

It's all right.
Undo my belt.
Come on, you can't refuse it.

Undo my belt.
Come on, you can't refuse it.
Deathbed request.

Come on, you can't refuse it.
Deathbed request.
Deathbed, deathb...

Deathbed request.
Deathbed, deathb...
Cabbage head?

Deathbed, deathb...
Cabbage head?
Are you okay?

Cabbage head?
Are you okay?
I just met him.

I don't get it.

I don't get it.
Did someone throw a drink on me?

I don't get it.
Did someone throw a drink on me?
I...but...

Did someone throw a drink on me?
I...but...
Where am...

I...but...
Where am...
God?

Where am...
God?
I made you in my own image.

God?
I made you in my own image.
Who, me?

I made you in my own image.
Who, me?
[ Sobs ]

Wanna hear something?

Wanna hear something?
It's a fact -- super-intelligent

Wanna hear something?
It's a fact -- super-intelligent
life-forms visit the earth

It's a fact -- super-intelligent
life-forms visit the earth
regularly to brag.

Life-forms visit the earth
regularly to brag.
You're aware of course that

Regularly to brag.
You're aware of course that
we're super-intelligent, aren't

You're aware of course that
we're super-intelligent, aren't
you?

We're super-intelligent, aren't
you?
I mean, look at our big

You?
I mean, look at our big
foreheads.

I mean, look at our big
foreheads.
You know why they're so big?

Foreheads.
You know why they're so big?
'Cause we have big brains.

You know why they're so big?
'Cause we have big brains.
And we have super intelligence.

'Cause we have big brains.
And we have super intelligence.
Pretty stuck up, eh?

And we have super intelligence.
Pretty stuck up, eh?
It's a fact.

$..

$..
Cents.

$..
Cents.
[ Sighs ]

Cents.
[ Sighs ]
$..

[ Sighs ]
$..
This doesn't have a price on it.

$..
This doesn't have a price on it.
It's okay.

This doesn't have a price on it.
It's okay.
Could I get a price check on,

It's okay.
Could I get a price check on,
uh...

Could I get a price check on,
uh...
Celery?

Uh...
Celery?
Celery.

Celery?
Celery.
Okay.

$.? Okay.

$.? Okay.
$..

[ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ]
[ groaning ]

[ Gasps ]
[ groaning ]
sir?

[ Groaning ]
sir?
Sir?

Sir?
Sir?
Sir?

Sir?
Sir?
Sir, I'll tell you what, sir.

Sir?
Sir, I'll tell you what, sir.
Sir, what do you say...what do

Sir, I'll tell you what, sir.
Sir, what do you say...what do
you say you be next, huh?

Sir, what do you say...what do
you say you be next, huh?
I mean...i mean, if nobody

You say you be next, huh?
I mean...i mean, if nobody
minds.

I mean...i mean, if nobody
minds.
I mean, nobody minds, huh, no?

Minds.
I mean, nobody minds, huh, no?
No? Nobody minds?

I mean, nobody minds, huh, no?
No? Nobody minds?
Okay, s-so, what do you say you

No? Nobody minds?
Okay, s-so, what do you say you
just, uh...

Okay, s-so, what do you say you
just, uh...
You just be next, huh, sir?

So, where's your stuff, huh?

So, where's your stuff, huh?
What are you buying?

So, where's your stuff, huh?
What are you buying?
[ Chuckling ]

Oot, oot, oot.

Oot, oot, oot.
[ Laughs ]

[ Sobbing ] now he'll never

[ Sobbing ] now he'll never
know how much I love him!

[ Sobbing ] now he'll never
know how much I love him!
♪ Why? ♪

Know how much I love him!
♪ Why? ♪
♪ Tell me, why? ♪

♪ Why? ♪
♪ Tell me, why? ♪
Tell me...why?

Hi.

Hi.
It's weston esterhazy here,

Hi.
It's weston esterhazy here,
confidant to the stars.

It's weston esterhazy here,
confidant to the stars.
During my travels in and amongst

Confidant to the stars.
During my travels in and amongst
the rich and the famous, I have

During my travels in and amongst
the rich and the famous, I have
been privy to some extraordinary

The rich and the famous, I have
been privy to some extraordinary
scenes of depravity, yeah,

Been privy to some extraordinary
scenes of depravity, yeah,
involving some of the most

Scenes of depravity, yeah,
involving some of the most
illustrious names of the th

Involving some of the most
illustrious names of the th
century.

Illustrious names of the th
century.
That is why i, weston esterhazy,

Century.
That is why i, weston esterhazy,
confidant to the stars, have

That is why i, weston esterhazy,
confidant to the stars, have
chosen to make my very first

Confidant to the stars, have
chosen to make my very first
movie.

Chosen to make my very first
movie.
It's a tender tale of innocence

Movie.
It's a tender tale of innocence
lost in hollywood, by a young

It's a tender tale of innocence
lost in hollywood, by a young
saskatchewan lad -- me, and his

Lost in hollywood, by a young
saskatchewan lad -- me, and his
very first hollywood party, as

Saskatchewan lad -- me, and his
very first hollywood party, as
hostessed by the ever lovely,

Very first hollywood party, as
hostessed by the ever lovely,
ever incontinent liza minelli.

Hostessed by the ever lovely,
ever incontinent liza minelli.
It's a tale -- it's a tale of

Ever incontinent liza minelli.
It's a tale -- it's a tale of
madness, dr*gs, illicit sex, and

It's a tale -- it's a tale of
madness, dr*gs, illicit sex, and
glamour.

Madness, dr*gs, illicit sex, and
glamour.
It stars a slew of hollywood's

Glamour.
It stars a slew of hollywood's
greatest celebrity

It stars a slew of hollywood's
greatest celebrity
bottle-spoon-head impersonators.

Greatest celebrity
bottle-spoon-head impersonators.
This is a bottle spoon-head, and

Bottle-spoon-head impersonators.
This is a bottle spoon-head, and
this is their story.

This is a bottle spoon-head, and
this is their story.
♪ Celebrity, celebrity,

This is their story.
♪ Celebrity, celebrity,
celebrity, celebrity ♪

♪ Celebrity, celebrity,
celebrity, celebrity ♪
and stars.

Celebrity, celebrity ♪
and stars.
Enjoy!

And stars.
Enjoy!
Weston esterhazy productions

Enjoy!
Weston esterhazy productions
presents..."Liza's party."

Weston esterhazy productions
presents..."Liza's party."
Who is that?

Presents..."Liza's party."
Who is that?
Oh, some young hopeful.

Who is that?
Oh, some young hopeful.
By the way, liza, thanks for

Oh, some young hopeful.
By the way, liza, thanks for
inviting me to your party.

By the way, liza, thanks for
inviting me to your party.
Everyone here is famous.

Inviting me to your party.
Everyone here is famous.
[ Giggles ]

Everyone here is famous.
[ Giggles ]
it's a veritable supernova of

[ Giggles ]
it's a veritable supernova of
stars.

It's a veritable supernova of
stars.
But apparently, I'm the only

Stars.
But apparently, I'm the only
canadian allowed in.

But apparently, I'm the only
canadian allowed in.
They're all lined up at the coat

Canadian allowed in.
They're all lined up at the coat
check.

They're all lined up at the coat
check.
Hi, liz, enjoying the party?

Check.
Hi, liz, enjoying the party?
It's great.

Hi, liz, enjoying the party?
It's great.
Everyone I know is here.

It's great.
Everyone I know is here.
Let me get you a drink.

Everyone I know is here.
Let me get you a drink.
No, I'm not drinking tonight.

Let me get you a drink.
No, I'm not drinking tonight.
Try some champagne.

No, I'm not drinking tonight.
Try some champagne.
I'm not drinking, honestly.

Try some champagne.
I'm not drinking, honestly.
Don't be a party-pooper, liz.

I'm not drinking, honestly.
Don't be a party-pooper, liz.
Back off, minelli.

Don't be a party-pooper, liz.
Back off, minelli.
Weston, I've only just met

Back off, minelli.
Weston, I've only just met
you, and yet I feel something

Weston, I've only just met
you, and yet I feel something
that I never feel with this

You, and yet I feel something
that I never feel with this
hollywood phonies -- realness.

That I never feel with this
hollywood phonies -- realness.
I want you to make love to me.

Hollywood phonies -- realness.
I want you to make love to me.
Sorry, brooke.

I want you to make love to me.
Sorry, brooke.
I make it a rule not to sleep

Sorry, brooke.
I make it a rule not to sleep
with celebrities.

I make it a rule not to sleep
with celebrities.
But to cement our newfound

With celebrities.
But to cement our newfound
friendship, I'll kiss you.

But to cement our newfound
friendship, I'll kiss you.
[ Smooches ]

Friendship, I'll kiss you.
[ Smooches ]
oh...

[ Smooches ]
oh...
[ Gasps ] wow.

Oh...
[ Gasps ] wow.
Drink windex, liz, drink

[ Gasps ] wow.
Drink windex, liz, drink
windex!

Drink windex, liz, drink
windex!
Back off, dukakis.

Windex!
Back off, dukakis.
Wow, bubbles, every single

Back off, dukakis.
Wow, bubbles, every single
person at this party is famous.

Wow, bubbles, every single
person at this party is famous.
Not exactly, michael.

Person at this party is famous.
Not exactly, michael.
I smell a nobody.

Not exactly, michael.
I smell a nobody.
Nobody alert! Nobody alert!

I smell a nobody.
Nobody alert! Nobody alert!
What was that?

Nobody alert! Nobody alert!
What was that?
Oh, not you, kids.

What was that?
Oh, not you, kids.
Bubbles has had too much

Oh, not you, kids.
Bubbles has had too much
champagne.

Bubbles has had too much
champagne.
Isn't that right, bubbles, huh?

Champagne.
Isn't that right, bubbles, huh?
Oh, thank you, jesus.

Isn't that right, bubbles, huh?
Oh, thank you, jesus.
[ Laughing ]

Oh, thank you, jesus.
[ Laughing ]
liza, what an enchanting

[ Laughing ]
liza, what an enchanting
party.

Liza, what an enchanting
party.
Absolutely everyone is famous.

Party.
Absolutely everyone is famous.
Thank you, charles.

Absolutely everyone is famous.
Thank you, charles.
Look, it's liz taylor.

Thank you, charles.
Look, it's liz taylor.
Liz, come over here and say

Look, it's liz taylor.
Liz, come over here and say
hello to prince charles.

Liz, come over here and say
hello to prince charles.
Oh, back off, liza.

Hello to prince charles.
Oh, back off, liza.
Back off -- oh, oh no.

Oh, back off, liza.
Back off -- oh, oh no.
Oh, dear, is the beautiful

Back off -- oh, oh no.
Oh, dear, is the beautiful
master of velvet losing her

Oh, dear, is the beautiful
master of velvet losing her
lunch?

Master of velvet losing her
lunch?
Oh, my. [ Giggles ]

Lunch?
Oh, my. [ Giggles ]
weston, would you gawk at a

Oh, my. [ Giggles ]
weston, would you gawk at a
celebrity?

Weston, would you gawk at a
celebrity?
Why?

Celebrity?
Why?
So I can drop this tab of lsd

Why?
So I can drop this tab of lsd
in your bottle.

So I can drop this tab of lsd
in your bottle.
Okay, as long as it doesn't

In your bottle.
Okay, as long as it doesn't
get me high.

Okay, as long as it doesn't
get me high.
Oh, it won't. It's a placebo.

Get me high.
Oh, it won't. It's a placebo.
Okay.

Oh, it won't. It's a placebo.
Okay.
Bye.

Okay.
Bye.
Well, see you later, brookie.

Bye.
Well, see you later, brookie.
Wow, I hope she was telling the

Well, see you later, brookie.
Wow, I hope she was telling the
truth when she said it was a

Wow, I hope she was telling the
truth when she said it was a
placebo.

Truth when she said it was a
placebo.
Uh-oh, I think I've been duped.

Placebo.
Uh-oh, I think I've been duped.
I think I've been drugged.

Uh-oh, I think I've been duped.
I think I've been drugged.
Oh, my god.

I think I've been drugged.
Oh, my god.
Oh, no.

Oh, my god.
Oh, no.
I'd better buckle my seat belts,

Oh, no.
I'd better buckle my seat belts,
I'm gonna be on the trip of a

I'd better buckle my seat belts,
I'm gonna be on the trip of a
lifetime.

I'm gonna be on the trip of a
lifetime.
Everyone's turned into

Lifetime.
Everyone's turned into
elizabeth taylor.

Everyone's turned into
elizabeth taylor.
My god -- it's a nightmare or a

Elizabeth taylor.
My god -- it's a nightmare or a
wonderful dream.

My god -- it's a nightmare or a
wonderful dream.
Oh, my god.

Wonderful dream.
Oh, my god.
My head, my head.

Oh, my god.
My head, my head.
My head!

My head, my head.
My head!
Miss calpurnia, I've always

My head!
Miss calpurnia, I've always
loved you!

Miss calpurnia, I've always
loved you!
Look, everybody.

Loved you!
Look, everybody.
At the top of the stairs -- it's

Look, everybody.
At the top of the stairs -- it's
"fatty" arbuckle.

At the top of the stairs -- it's
"fatty" arbuckle.
He's going to jump!

"Fatty" arbuckle.
He's going to jump!
Oh, oh, oh, no!

He's going to jump!
Oh, oh, oh, no!
Ooh, ah, ahh!

Oh, oh, oh, no!
Ooh, ah, ahh!
Get out of the -- ahh!

Ooh, ah, ahh!
Get out of the -- ahh!
[ Glass breaking ]

Get out of the -- ahh!
[ Glass breaking ]
well, fatty's ruined another

[ Glass breaking ]
well, fatty's ruined another
party.

Well, fatty's ruined another
party.
How sad.

Party.
How sad.
I thought he was already

How sad.
I thought he was already
dead.

I thought he was already
dead.
Hey, g*ng, are we gonna let

Dead.
Hey, g*ng, are we gonna let
the death of a funny fat guy

Hey, g*ng, are we gonna let
the death of a funny fat guy
ruin the party?

The death of a funny fat guy
ruin the party?
Come on, let's sing!

Ruin the party?
Come on, let's sing!
Hi, I'm peter allen,

Come on, let's sing!
Hi, I'm peter allen,
liza minelli's former husband,

Hi, I'm peter allen,
liza minelli's former husband,
and I'm here to say, "isn't life

Liza minelli's former husband,
and I'm here to say, "isn't life
great?

And I'm here to say, "isn't life
great?
Isn't liza swell?

Great?
Isn't liza swell?
Isn't hollywood immortal?"

Isn't liza swell?
Isn't hollywood immortal?"
Sing!

Isn't hollywood immortal?"
Sing!
All: ♪ she can throw

Sing!
All: ♪ she can throw
a smashing party with a minimum

All: ♪ she can throw
a smashing party with a minimum
of fuss ♪

A smashing party with a minimum
of fuss ♪
♪ we arrived in our big

Of fuss ♪
♪ we arrived in our big
limousine, no need to take a

♪ We arrived in our big
limousine, no need to take a
bus ♪

Limousine, no need to take a
bus ♪
♪ there's champagne,

Bus ♪
♪ there's champagne,
hors d'oeuvres and caviar, and

♪ There's champagne,
hors d'oeuvres and caviar, and
movie stars to boot ♪

Hors d'oeuvres and caviar, and
movie stars to boot ♪
♪ oh, we always go to liza's

Movie stars to boot ♪
♪ oh, we always go to liza's
'cause we always have a hoot ♪

♪ Oh, we always go to liza's
'cause we always have a hoot ♪
give me an "h"!

'Cause we always have a hoot ♪
give me an "h"!
"H"!

Give me an "h"!
"H"!
Give me an "olly"!

"H"!
Give me an "olly"!
Olly!

Give me an "olly"!
Olly!
Give me a "wood"!

Olly!
Give me a "wood"!
Wood!

Give me a "wood"!
Wood!
What's that spell?

Wood!
What's that spell?
♪ Hollywood, hollywood,

What's that spell?
♪ Hollywood, hollywood,
hollywood ♪

♪ Hollywood, hollywood,
hollywood ♪
hollywood! [ Giggles ]

Why don't you...

Why don't you...
Eat lead, cabbage head!

Why don't you...
Eat lead, cabbage head!
Noooo!

Eat lead, cabbage head!
Noooo!
[ Sobs ]

Noooo!
[ Sobs ]
[ crying ]

[ Sobs ]
[ crying ]
and when god came forth with a

[ Crying ]
and when god came forth with a
cabbage on his head, I realized

And when god came forth with a
cabbage on his head, I realized
what I'd always thought to be

Cabbage on his head, I realized
what I'd always thought to be
satan's dunce cap was really the

What I'd always thought to be
satan's dunce cap was really the
lord's way of telling me that

Satan's dunce cap was really the
lord's way of telling me that
I'm special.

Lord's way of telling me that
I'm special.
Ah, just like the garden of

I'm special.
Ah, just like the garden of
eden.

Ah, just like the garden of
eden.
Yes, yes, exactly.

Eden.
Yes, yes, exactly.
Ah, cabbage head.

Yes, yes, exactly.
Ah, cabbage head.
According to your bio, before

Ah, cabbage head.
According to your bio, before
you came to our god, the savior,

According to your bio, before
you came to our god, the savior,
you would apparently make

You came to our god, the savior,
you would apparently make
advances -- sexual advances --

You would apparently make
advances -- sexual advances --
towards everything on two legs.

Advances -- sexual advances --
towards everything on two legs.
That is not true.

Towards everything on two legs.
That is not true.
Actually, once I hit on a woman

That is not true.
Actually, once I hit on a woman
with only one leg.

Actually, once I hit on a woman
with only one leg.
[ Laughing ]

With only one leg.
[ Laughing ]
in all seriousness, I think that

[ Laughing ]
in all seriousness, I think that
god has shown me the errors of

In all seriousness, I think that
god has shown me the errors of
my past, and that hitting on

God has shown me the errors of
my past, and that hitting on
women every moment of every day

My past, and that hitting on
women every moment of every day
for almost years was just an

Women every moment of every day
for almost years was just an
evil phase I was going through.

For almost years was just an
evil phase I was going through.
Just like the evils exposed

Evil phase I was going through.
Just like the evils exposed
earlier in the show by our

Just like the evils exposed
earlier in the show by our
living tableau.

Earlier in the show by our
living tableau.
Let's have another hand for

Living tableau.
Let's have another hand for
the living tableau.

Let's have another hand for
the living tableau.
Shall we pray?

The living tableau.
Shall we pray?
That's why we're here.

Shall we pray?
That's why we're here.
Reverend smits?

That's why we're here.
Reverend smits?
Oh, before we get going, ian,

Reverend smits?
Oh, before we get going, ian,
I would like to bring out

Oh, before we get going, ian,
I would like to bring out
therese and rhonda, my two

I would like to bring out
therese and rhonda, my two
blessed assistants.

Therese and rhonda, my two
blessed assistants.
Ladies, would you like to sit in

Blessed assistants.
Ladies, would you like to sit in
my lap, to symbolize that we all

Ladies, would you like to sit in
my lap, to symbolize that we all
sit in the lap of the lord?

My lap, to symbolize that we all
sit in the lap of the lord?
Oh, yes.

Sit in the lap of the lord?
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes. Ah.

Oh, yes.
Oh, yes. Ah.
And just a reminder of the

Oh, yes. Ah.
And just a reminder of the
sacred wet t-shirt contest...er,

And just a reminder of the
sacred wet t-shirt contest...er,
baptism we're having, to raise

Sacred wet t-shirt contest...er,
baptism we're having, to raise
money for those poor romanian

Baptism we're having, to raise
money for those poor romanian
orphans.

Money for those poor romanian
orphans.
Boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo.

Orphans.
Boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo.
Sacred wet t-shirt contest?

Boo-hoo, boo-hoo, boo-hoo.
Sacred wet t-shirt contest?
What is the world coming to,

Sacred wet t-shirt contest?
What is the world coming to,
huh?

What is the world coming to,
huh?
I'll say -- a guy's gotta get

Huh?
I'll say -- a guy's gotta get
shot in the head to get laid

I'll say -- a guy's gotta get
shot in the head to get laid
nowadays.

Shot in the head to get laid
nowadays.
Let's pray. Reverend?