03x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

[ Siren wailing ]

You know what I hate about

You know what I hate about
working the night shift?

You know what I hate about
working the night shift?
No. What?

Working the night shift?
No. What?
Well, uh, it's dark.

No. What?
Well, uh, it's dark.
Yeah, I'll say.

Hey, yates, find anything?

Hey, yates, find anything?
No, I can't seem to find my

Hey, yates, find anything?
No, I can't seem to find my
badge anywhere.

No, I can't seem to find my
badge anywhere.
Too bad.

Badge anywhere.
Too bad.
Yeah.

Too bad.
Yeah.
I think I might have dropped it

Yeah.
I think I might have dropped it
on this guy.

I think I might have dropped it
on this guy.
Well, when I lose something,

On this guy.
Well, when I lose something,
what I do is visualize a map of

Well, when I lose something,
what I do is visualize a map of
the city, and then I break that

What I do is visualize a map of
the city, and then I break that
map down into quadrants, and,

The city, and then I break that
map down into quadrants, and,
uh, what I do is mentally go

Map down into quadrants, and,
uh, what I do is mentally go
through the streets that I've

Uh, what I do is mentally go
through the streets that I've
driven in my cruiser, looking

Through the streets that I've
driven in my cruiser, looking
for the item or items...

Driven in my cruiser, looking
for the item or items...
Come on, come on, come on,

For the item or items...
Come on, come on, come on,
people, move along.

Come on, come on, come on,
people, move along.
Haven't you ever seen a dead

People, move along.
Haven't you ever seen a dead
body lying in the street before?

Haven't you ever seen a dead
body lying in the street before?
No.

Body lying in the street before?
No.
Well, it is kind of exciting.

No.
Well, it is kind of exciting.
Okay, then, minutes, and

Well, it is kind of exciting.
Okay, then, minutes, and
then you go home?

Okay, then, minutes, and
then you go home?
Okay.

Then you go home?
Okay.
Hey, cut that out.

Okay.
Hey, cut that out.
Huh.

Hey, cut that out.
Huh.
No good's going to come of that.

Huh.
No good's going to come of that.
I'll say, partner.

No good's going to come of that.
I'll say, partner.
Boy, it's going to be a long

I'll say, partner.
Boy, it's going to be a long
night.

Boy, it's going to be a long
night.
I hope so.

Night.
I hope so.
I could use the overtime.

I hope so.
I could use the overtime.
I'll say.

I could use the overtime.
I'll say.
[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ French accent ] hello.

[ French accent ] hello.
My name is marcel.

[ French accent ] hello.
My name is marcel.
I am paree.

My name is marcel.
I am paree.
I am new to this country.

I am paree.
I am new to this country.
Would someone please tell me

I am new to this country.
Would someone please tell me
where the men's room is?

Would someone please tell me
where the men's room is?
Yeah, I think if you go out

Where the men's room is?
Yeah, I think if you go out
and to the right --

Yeah, I think if you go out
and to the right --
no, no, it's to the left.

And to the right --
no, no, it's to the left.
[ Normal voice ] aha!

No, no, it's to the left.
[ Normal voice ] aha!
Fooled you.

[ Normal voice ] aha!
Fooled you.
I'm not really marcel from

Fooled you.
I'm not really marcel from
paris.

I'm not really marcel from
paris.
I am lyle jordan, your accent

Paris.
I am lyle jordan, your accent
teacher for the next six weeks.

I am lyle jordan, your accent
teacher for the next six weeks.
And that was just a taste of the

Teacher for the next six weeks.
And that was just a taste of the
many accents you'll be learning

And that was just a taste of the
many accents you'll be learning
in the classes to come.

Many accents you'll be learning
in the classes to come.
Where you'll find the accent is

In the classes to come.
Where you'll find the accent is
on the accent.

Where you'll find the accent is
on the accent.
Okay, let's take a look at the

On the accent.
Okay, let's take a look at the
german accent.

Okay, let's take a look at the
german accent.
What do we need to attain a

German accent.
What do we need to attain a
perfect german accent?

What do we need to attain a
perfect german accent?
Phlegm in the larynx.

Perfect german accent?
Phlegm in the larynx.
And how do we get this phlegm in

Phlegm in the larynx.
And how do we get this phlegm in
the larynx?

And how do we get this phlegm in
the larynx?
Milk, preferably h*m*.

The larynx?
Milk, preferably h*m*.
Okay.

Milk, preferably h*m*.
Okay.
Now we have our phlegm in the

Okay.
Now we have our phlegm in the
larynx, we're ready to move to

Now we have our phlegm in the
larynx, we're ready to move to
the next step.

Larynx, we're ready to move to
the next step.
Is anyone here german?

The next step.
Is anyone here german?
It is common knowledge that the

Is anyone here german?
It is common knowledge that the
germans are a very cold people.

It is common knowledge that the
germans are a very cold people.
It's true -- every single one of

Germans are a very cold people.
It's true -- every single one of
them!

It's true -- every single one of
them!
I haven't met one german who

Them!
I haven't met one german who
wasn't cold or unfriendly.

I haven't met one german who
wasn't cold or unfriendly.
Okay.

Wasn't cold or unfriendly.
Okay.
Now we have that as our

Okay.
Now we have that as our
attitude, we have our phlegm in

Now we have that as our
attitude, we have our phlegm in
our larynx, we are now ready to

Attitude, we have our phlegm in
our larynx, we are now ready to
attempt the accent.

Our larynx, we are now ready to
attempt the accent.
I will need quiet.

Attempt the accent.
I will need quiet.
I said quiet!

I will need quiet.
I said quiet!
[ German accent ] fritz, is that

I said quiet!
[ German accent ] fritz, is that
your dog, fritz?

[ German accent ] fritz, is that
your dog, fritz?
Fritz, do you have a license for

Your dog, fritz?
Fritz, do you have a license for
that dog, fritz?

Fritz, do you have a license for
that dog, fritz?
Fritz, you call that friendly

That dog, fritz?
Fritz, you call that friendly
bastard.

Fritz, you call that friendly
bastard.
Sieg heil!

Bastard.
Sieg heil!
[ Applause ]

Sieg heil!
[ Applause ]
[ normal voice ] thank you.

[ Applause ]
[ normal voice ] thank you.
Okay, let's move on to the

[ Normal voice ] thank you.
Okay, let's move on to the
scottish accent.

Okay, let's move on to the
scottish accent.
Now, I think you'll find the

Scottish accent.
Now, I think you'll find the
scottish accent is the complete

Now, I think you'll find the
scottish accent is the complete
opposite of the german accent in

Scottish accent is the complete
opposite of the german accent in
that phlegm in the larynx will

Opposite of the german accent in
that phlegm in the larynx will
hinder you.

That phlegm in the larynx will
hinder you.
Okay, so we gotta clear away the

Hinder you.
Okay, so we gotta clear away the
phlegm.

Okay, so we gotta clear away the
phlegm.
[ Sighs ]

Phlegm.
[ Sighs ]
remember, while attempting the

[ Sighs ]
remember, while attempting the
scottish accent, water is your

Remember, while attempting the
scottish accent, water is your
friend.

Scottish accent, water is your
friend.
Is anyone here scottish?

Friend.
Is anyone here scottish?
Well, besides being notoriously

Is anyone here scottish?
Well, besides being notoriously
cheap, your average scottish

Well, besides being notoriously
cheap, your average scottish
person is drunk to hours a

Cheap, your average scottish
person is drunk to hours a
day!

Person is drunk to hours a
day!
It's true -- every single one of

Day!
It's true -- every single one of
them!

It's true -- every single one of
them!
I haven't met a scottish person

Them!
I haven't met a scottish person
who didn't have liquor on his

I haven't met a scottish person
who didn't have liquor on his
breath while weaseling out of a

Who didn't have liquor on his
breath while weaseling out of a
check.

Breath while weaseling out of a
check.
Okay.

Check.
Okay.
So we got our attitude.

Okay.
So we got our attitude.
The phlegm is all gone.

So we got our attitude.
The phlegm is all gone.
I, of course, need quiet.

The phlegm is all gone.
I, of course, need quiet.
[ Scottish accent ] scottie,

I, of course, need quiet.
[ Scottish accent ] scottie,
your brooding lad's in a wee bit

[ Scottish accent ] scottie,
your brooding lad's in a wee bit
of trouble.

Your brooding lad's in a wee bit
of trouble.
Scottie, put down the book!

Of trouble.
Scottie, put down the book!
Scottie, wake up, you cheap,

Scottie, put down the book!
Scottie, wake up, you cheap,
drunken bastard.

Scottie, wake up, you cheap,
drunken bastard.
Akka.

Drunken bastard.
Akka.
[ Applause ]

Akka.
[ Applause ]
[ normal voice ] okay, I'm sure

[ Applause ]
[ normal voice ] okay, I'm sure
at this point you have many

[ Normal voice ] okay, I'm sure
at this point you have many
questions.

At this point you have many
questions.
Yes.

Questions.
Yes.
Yeah, I was fooling around

Yes.
Yeah, I was fooling around
with a cockney accent at home,

Yeah, I was fooling around
with a cockney accent at home,
and I was just wondering if I

With a cockney accent at home,
and I was just wondering if I
was doing it right.

And I was just wondering if I
was doing it right.
[ Chuckles ]

Was doing it right.
[ Chuckles ]
well, you probably weren't.

[ Chuckles ]
well, you probably weren't.
But this is a good opportunity

Well, you probably weren't.
But this is a good opportunity
for me to see where you're at.

But this is a good opportunity
for me to see where you're at.
So, please, let us hear your,

For me to see where you're at.
So, please, let us hear your,
uh, cockney accent.

So, please, let us hear your,
uh, cockney accent.
[ Clears throat ]

Uh, cockney accent.
[ Clears throat ]
mistake number one!

[ Clears throat ]
mistake number one!
Continue.

Mistake number one!
Continue.
[ Cockney accent ] hello,

Continue.
[ Cockney accent ] hello,
mate, me and the lads were

[ Cockney accent ] hello,
mate, me and the lads were
watching the telly the other

Mate, me and the lads were
watching the telly the other
night, and we saw this bloke

Watching the telly the other
night, and we saw this bloke
with this smashing bird, and we

Night, and we saw this bloke
with this smashing bird, and we
thought, "oh, blimey, he's a

With this smashing bird, and we
thought, "oh, blimey, he's a
lucky duck, isn't he?"

Thought, "oh, blimey, he's a
lucky duck, isn't he?"
[ Applause ]

You like that?

You like that?
[ Normal voice ] w-was that

You like that?
[ Normal voice ] w-was that
not any good?

[ Normal voice ] w-was that
not any good?
[ Cockney accent ] oh, I

Not any good?
[ Cockney accent ] oh, I
thought it was smashing, love.

[ Cockney accent ] oh, I
thought it was smashing, love.
[ Normal voice ] so you thought

Thought it was smashing, love.
[ Normal voice ] so you thought
it was good.

[ Normal voice ] so you thought
it was good.
Yeah, I guess it was pretty

It was good.
Yeah, I guess it was pretty
good -- for a mr. Wrong guy!

Yeah, I guess it was pretty
good -- for a mr. Wrong guy!
But if you want work in

Good -- for a mr. Wrong guy!
But if you want work in
commercials or dinner theatre, I

But if you want work in
commercials or dinner theatre, I
think you'll listen to me.

Commercials or dinner theatre, I
think you'll listen to me.
So what's it going to be?

Think you'll listen to me.
So what's it going to be?
Do I continue with the class, or

So what's it going to be?
Do I continue with the class, or
do we listen to this bloke tell

Do I continue with the class, or
do we listen to this bloke tell
us what he saw on the telly?

Do we listen to this bloke tell
us what he saw on the telly?
You, sir.

Us what he saw on the telly?
You, sir.
Okay.

You, sir.
Okay.
Okay, all right.

Okay.
Okay, all right.
Okay, let's go to the french

Okay, all right.
Okay, let's go to the french
accent, okay.

Okay, let's go to the french
accent, okay.
It's important to realize that

Accent, okay.
It's important to realize that
every frenchman is impotent.

It's important to realize that
every frenchman is impotent.
We need our water.

Every frenchman is impotent.
We need our water.
We need our milk.

We need our water.
We need our milk.
Now repeat after me.

We need our milk.
Now repeat after me.
[ French accent ] my name...

Now repeat after me.
[ French accent ] my name...
My name...

[ French accent ] my name...
My name...
...is marcel.

My name...
...is marcel.
...is marcel.

...is marcel.
...is marcel.
I am froom...

...is marcel.
I am froom...
I am froom...

I am froom...
I am froom...
Paree!

I am froom...
Paree!
Paree!

Paree!
Paree!
My name...

Paree!
My name...
My name...

My name...
My name...
Paree!

My name...
Paree!
Paree!

Paree!
Paree!
[ Cheers and applause ]

Paree!
[ Cheers and applause ]
hello.

[ Cheers and applause ]
hello.
Oh, you must be friends of

Hello.
Oh, you must be friends of
larry's.

Oh, you must be friends of
larry's.
Don't stand out in the weather.

Larry's.
Don't stand out in the weather.
Come on in.

Don't stand out in the weather.
Come on in.
Oh, my goodness.

Come on in.
Oh, my goodness.
Be careful on the rug.

Oh, my goodness.
Be careful on the rug.
We're having problems with it.

Be careful on the rug.
We're having problems with it.
It's not much really, just a

We're having problems with it.
It's not much really, just a
house.

It's not much really, just a
house.
Come on.

House.
Come on.
Well, we all know why we're

Come on.
Well, we all know why we're
here.

Well, we all know why we're
here.
It's time to make...

Here.
It's time to make...
[ Upbeat music plays ]

It's time to make...
[ Upbeat music plays ]
...potato salad.

[ Upbeat music plays ]
...potato salad.
Potato salad.

...potato salad.
Potato salad.
First, I take the eggs...

Potato salad.
First, I take the eggs...
Then I add some mayonnaise.

First, I take the eggs...
Then I add some mayonnaise.
Sugar to taste.

Then I add some mayonnaise.
Sugar to taste.
A little won't k*ll ya.

Sugar to taste.
A little won't k*ll ya.
Then I stir it all up.

A little won't k*ll ya.
Then I stir it all up.
Boy, I love my kitchen.

Then I stir it all up.
Boy, I love my kitchen.
Especially in the day.

Boy, I love my kitchen.
Especially in the day.
Well, back to work.

Especially in the day.
Well, back to work.
Potatoes.

Well, back to work.
Potatoes.
You know, I've made potato salad

Potatoes.
You know, I've made potato salad
a thousand times, and I've still

You know, I've made potato salad
a thousand times, and I've still
got a lot to learn.

A thousand times, and I've still
got a lot to learn.
Well, back to work.

Got a lot to learn.
Well, back to work.
♪ Mix, mix, stir, stir ♪

Well, back to work.
♪ Mix, mix, stir, stir ♪
♪ him, him, her, her ♪

♪ Mix, mix, stir, stir ♪
♪ him, him, her, her ♪
how is larry anyway?

♪ Him, him, her, her ♪
how is larry anyway?
Oh, his marks.

How is larry anyway?
Oh, his marks.
What to do, what to do?

Oh, his marks.
What to do, what to do?
♪ Radishes and chives ♪

What to do, what to do?
♪ Radishes and chives ♪
mix, mix, stir, stir.

♪ Radishes and chives ♪
mix, mix, stir, stir.
I married young, it's all a

Mix, mix, stir, stir.
I married young, it's all a
blur.

I married young, it's all a
blur.
I can still fit into my wedding

Blur.
I can still fit into my wedding
dress, though.

I can still fit into my wedding
dress, though.
See?

Dress, though.
See?
Still fits.

See?
Still fits.
Not a lot of gals can say that.

Still fits.
Not a lot of gals can say that.
Well, no rest for the wicked.

Not a lot of gals can say that.
Well, no rest for the wicked.
Ta-da!

Well, no rest for the wicked.
Ta-da!
Come on, take the potato salad

Ta-da!
Come on, take the potato salad
with ya.

Come on, take the potato salad
with ya.
Don't mention it.

With ya.
Don't mention it.
Well, it's always nice to meet

Don't mention it.
Well, it's always nice to meet
friends of larry's, and if you

Well, it's always nice to meet
friends of larry's, and if you
see him tell him not to feel

Friends of larry's, and if you
see him tell him not to feel
sorry about his dad.

See him tell him not to feel
sorry about his dad.
And to call.

Sorry about his dad.
And to call.
It won't k*ll him to pick up a

And to call.
It won't k*ll him to pick up a
phone.

It won't k*ll him to pick up a
phone.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Phone.
[ Cheers and applause ]
well, we've had an excellent

[ Cheers and applause ]
well, we've had an excellent
week overall, and I'd just like

Well, we've had an excellent
week overall, and I'd just like
to -- just like to congratulate

Week overall, and I'd just like
to -- just like to congratulate
danny husk here on bringing in

To -- just like to congratulate
danny husk here on bringing in
feldman oil as new clients.

Danny husk here on bringing in
feldman oil as new clients.
Congratulations, danny.

Feldman oil as new clients.
Congratulations, danny.
Good work.

Congratulations, danny.
Good work.
You know, that'll be bringing in

Good work.
You know, that'll be bringing in
about $ million to the company

You know, that'll be bringing in
about $ million to the company
coffers, and I just couldn't be

About $ million to the company
coffers, and I just couldn't be
more proud of you, danny.

Coffers, and I just couldn't be
more proud of you, danny.
But I am a little concerned

More proud of you, danny.
But I am a little concerned
about the drop in billable hours

But I am a little concerned
about the drop in billable hours
over the last few weeks --

About the drop in billable hours
over the last few weeks --
out!

Over the last few weeks --
out!
Out, husk!

Out!
Out, husk!
But --

Out, husk!
But --
get out!

But --
get out!
Sir, please!

Get out!
Sir, please!
I didn't do anything.

Sir, please!
I didn't do anything.
You sprayed me with seltzer,

I didn't do anything.
You sprayed me with seltzer,
husk.

You sprayed me with seltzer,
husk.
Out!

Husk.
Out!
No, I didn't, sir.

Out!
No, I didn't, sir.
I brought in the feldman

No, I didn't, sir.
I brought in the feldman
account.

I brought in the feldman
account.
Yesterday's news, husk.

Account.
Yesterday's news, husk.
Now out of here!

Yesterday's news, husk.
Now out of here!
But, sir, I really didn't do

Now out of here!
But, sir, I really didn't do
anything.

But, sir, I really didn't do
anything.
Well, the seltzer bottle's in

Anything.
Well, the seltzer bottle's in
front of you, husk.

Well, the seltzer bottle's in
front of you, husk.
Well, it wasn't me, it was...

Front of you, husk.
Well, it wasn't me, it was...
It was who, husk?

Well, it wasn't me, it was...
It was who, husk?
Never mind, you don't want to

It was who, husk?
Never mind, you don't want to
know.

Never mind, you don't want to
know.
Who was it, husk?

Know.
Who was it, husk?
You don't want to know.

Who was it, husk?
You don't want to know.
Believe me, you don't want to

You don't want to know.
Believe me, you don't want to
know.

Believe me, you don't want to
know.
In fact, I do.

Know.
In fact, I do.
I do want to know.

In fact, I do.
I do want to know.
I think we all want to know.

I do want to know.
I think we all want to know.
Fairbanks, don't you want to

I think we all want to know.
Fairbanks, don't you want to
know?

Fairbanks, don't you want to
know?
Douglas, I'm sure you'd like to

Know?
Douglas, I'm sure you'd like to
know.

Douglas, I'm sure you'd like to
know.
Bingo, I'm certain, is curious.

Know.
Bingo, I'm certain, is curious.
So, husk, who the hell was it?

Bingo, I'm certain, is curious.
So, husk, who the hell was it?
Who the hell do you think it

So, husk, who the hell was it?
Who the hell do you think it
was?

Who the hell do you think it
was?
It was bingo!

Was?
It was bingo!
Don't blame the clown, husk!

It was bingo!
Don't blame the clown, husk!
Oh, it's easy to point the

Don't blame the clown, husk!
Oh, it's easy to point the
finger at the clown!

Oh, it's easy to point the
finger at the clown!
Oh, yes, the clown threw the

Finger at the clown!
Oh, yes, the clown threw the
pie.

Oh, yes, the clown threw the
pie.
The clown hit the midget with a

Pie.
The clown hit the midget with a
board.

The clown hit the midget with a
board.
The clown led jumbo onto the

Board.
The clown led jumbo onto the
tracks.

The clown led jumbo onto the
tracks.
Well, I'm sick of you

Tracks.
Well, I'm sick of you
scapegoating that clown, husk.

Well, I'm sick of you
scapegoating that clown, husk.
Get out, husk!

Scapegoating that clown, husk.
Get out, husk!
Get outta here, you clown hater!

Get out, husk!
Get outta here, you clown hater!
Go on, I'm sick of looking at

Get outta here, you clown hater!
Go on, I'm sick of looking at
you.

Go on, I'm sick of looking at
you.
Take your bigotries and leave

You.
Take your bigotries and leave
this company!

Take your bigotries and leave
this company!
Come on, come on, move it, move

This company!
Come on, come on, move it, move
it, move it, move it, move it!

Come on, come on, move it, move
it, move it, move it, move it!
You asked for it, husk!

It, move it, move it, move it!
You asked for it, husk!
You asked for it.

You asked for it, husk!
You asked for it.
You deserve worse.

You asked for it.
You deserve worse.
Out you go!

You deserve worse.
Out you go!
Get out!

Out you go!
Get out!
Oh, boy, I just -- I just

Get out!
Oh, boy, I just -- I just
can't...stay angry when I look

Oh, boy, I just -- I just
can't...stay angry when I look
at that face.

Can't...stay angry when I look
at that face.
Oh, look, a balloon dog!

At that face.
Oh, look, a balloon dog!
[ Cheers and applause ]

What's really weird about the

What's really weird about the
whole thing is that it started

What's really weird about the
whole thing is that it started
off so normal.

Whole thing is that it started
off so normal.
You know, just a bunch of

Off so normal.
You know, just a bunch of
garden-variety faggots out for a

You know, just a bunch of
garden-variety faggots out for a
drink...at their favorite gay

Garden-variety faggots out for a
drink...at their favorite gay
bar, daddy's.

Drink...at their favorite gay
bar, daddy's.
You see, my friend roland had

Bar, daddy's.
You see, my friend roland had
just finished writing his

You see, my friend roland had
just finished writing his
coming-out novel that was "not"

Just finished writing his
coming-out novel that was "not"
cliche.

Coming-out novel that was "not"
cliche.
So we were celebrating.

Cliche.
So we were celebrating.
Well, I have to admit we were

So we were celebrating.
Well, I have to admit we were
all a little bit blitzed when it

Well, I have to admit we were
all a little bit blitzed when it
happened.

All a little bit blitzed when it
happened.
My friend blair was making

Happened.
My friend blair was making
one-word jokes through a

My friend blair was making
one-word jokes through a
marijuana fog.

One-word jokes through a
marijuana fog.
And I was cruising criminals.

Marijuana fog.
And I was cruising criminals.
You know, last call.

And I was cruising criminals.
You know, last call.
[ Laughter ]

You know, last call.
[ Laughter ]
then, all of a sudden, this drag

[ Laughter ]
then, all of a sudden, this drag
queen jumps up and starts waving

Then, all of a sudden, this drag
queen jumps up and starts waving
an U*i around.

Queen jumps up and starts waving
an U*i around.
She looks like a cross between

An U*i around.
She looks like a cross between
diana ross and conan.

She looks like a cross between
diana ross and conan.
Roland yells out, "get down,

Diana ross and conan.
Roland yells out, "get down,
everybody!

Roland yells out, "get down,
everybody!
Miss ross has a g*n!"

Everybody!
Miss ross has a g*n!"
Then, the drag queen starts

Miss ross has a g*n!"
Then, the drag queen starts
talking.

Then, the drag queen starts
talking.
"All right, listen up, fags,"

Talking.
"All right, listen up, fags,"
she says.

"All right, listen up, fags,"
she says.
"This is the beginning of the

She says.
"This is the beginning of the
drag revolution."

"This is the beginning of the
drag revolution."
So I go, "excuse me, aren't you

Drag revolution."
So I go, "excuse me, aren't you
a bit fat to be diana ross?"

So I go, "excuse me, aren't you
a bit fat to be diana ross?"
[ Laughter ]

A bit fat to be diana ross?"
[ Laughter ]
mistake number one.

[ Laughter ]
mistake number one.
A large hairnet was thrown over

Mistake number one.
A large hairnet was thrown over
my head.

A large hairnet was thrown over
my head.
And I passed out.

My head.
And I passed out.
I woke up in the backseat of a

And I passed out.
I woke up in the backseat of a
limousine.

I woke up in the backseat of a
limousine.
Dirty diana was there beside me.

Limousine.
Dirty diana was there beside me.
"Make one wrong move, sweetie,

Dirty diana was there beside me.
"Make one wrong move, sweetie,
and I'll turn your d*ck into

"Make one wrong move, sweetie,
and I'll turn your d*ck into
pâté," she croaked.

And I'll turn your d*ck into
pâté," she croaked.
"Can I at least gulp?" I gulped.

Pâté," she croaked.
"Can I at least gulp?" I gulped.
She smacked me!

"Can I at least gulp?" I gulped.
She smacked me!
Then, she turned to her driver,

She smacked me!
Then, she turned to her driver,
an old f*g dressed like

Then, she turned to her driver,
an old f*g dressed like
jessica tandy...

An old f*g dressed like
jessica tandy...
[ Laughter ]

Jessica tandy...
[ Laughter ]
...and said, "home, miss daisy."

[ Laughter ]
...and said, "home, miss daisy."
Through the smoky glass of the

...and said, "home, miss daisy."
Through the smoky glass of the
limousine, I could see the drag

Through the smoky glass of the
limousine, I could see the drag
queens taking over the city.

Limousine, I could see the drag
queens taking over the city.
I saw a tiny korean couple

Queens taking over the city.
I saw a tiny korean couple
fighting for their dignity as a

I saw a tiny korean couple
fighting for their dignity as a
linda evangelista and

Fighting for their dignity as a
linda evangelista and
christy turlington forced blond

Linda evangelista and
christy turlington forced blond
wigs on their heads.

Christy turlington forced blond
wigs on their heads.
I saw a little boy, no older

Wigs on their heads.
I saw a little boy, no older
than years old, being forced

I saw a little boy, no older
than years old, being forced
to dance in ill-fitting pumps as

Than years old, being forced
to dance in ill-fitting pumps as
an ancient cher with a goiter

To dance in ill-fitting pumps as
an ancient cher with a goiter
fired endless rounds of a*mo at

An ancient cher with a goiter
fired endless rounds of a*mo at
his feet.

Fired endless rounds of a*mo at
his feet.
As the little boy cried, mascara

His feet.
As the little boy cried, mascara
ran down his cheeks.

As the little boy cried, mascara
ran down his cheeks.
I've seen things tonight that

Ran down his cheeks.
I've seen things tonight that
nobody should have to see.

I've seen things tonight that
nobody should have to see.
People talk about nam-pen.

Nobody should have to see.
People talk about nam-pen.
Don't make me laugh.

People talk about nam-pen.
Don't make me laugh.
We finally pulled up to this big

Don't make me laugh.
We finally pulled up to this big
mansion.

We finally pulled up to this big
mansion.
Diana shoved me out of the car

Mansion.
Diana shoved me out of the car
and walked me up towards the

Diana shoved me out of the car
and walked me up towards the
door.

And walked me up towards the
door.
At the door, she paused.

Door.
At the door, she paused.
"Work it," she said.

At the door, she paused.
"Work it," she said.
Then she shoved me inside.

"Work it," she said.
Then she shoved me inside.
My blood froze as I saw the

Then she shoved me inside.
My blood froze as I saw the
horror that lay within.

My blood froze as I saw the
horror that lay within.
A party was in progress, and

Horror that lay within.
A party was in progress, and
every man that I'd ever known

A party was in progress, and
every man that I'd ever known
was there in drag.

Every man that I'd ever known
was there in drag.
There was my old friend bob the

Was there in drag.
There was my old friend bob the
trapper, singing "the man that

There was my old friend bob the
trapper, singing "the man that
got away" on a barstool by the

Trapper, singing "the man that
got away" on a barstool by the
piano.

Got away" on a barstool by the
piano.
The good reverend hall going,

Piano.
The good reverend hall going,
"sister, girl, la-la."

The good reverend hall going,
"sister, girl, la-la."
My friend roland and blair

"Sister, girl, la-la."
My friend roland and blair
dressed as madonna and sandra

My friend roland and blair
dressed as madonna and sandra
and french-kissing each other.

Dressed as madonna and sandra
and french-kissing each other.
And my dad dressed as my mom.

And french-kissing each other.
And my dad dressed as my mom.
[ Laughter ]

And my dad dressed as my mom.
[ Laughter ]
"scott," he said, "feel my new

[ Laughter ]
"scott," he said, "feel my new
tits.

"Scott," he said, "feel my new
tits.
They're better than mom's."

Tits.
They're better than mom's."
[ Laughter ]

They're better than mom's."
[ Laughter ]
scottess, aren't you coming

[ Laughter ]
scottess, aren't you coming
into the party?

Scottess, aren't you coming
into the party?
I have to do whole

Into the party?
I have to do whole
barbra streisand on you.

I have to do whole
barbra streisand on you.
It's going to take hours.

Barbra streisand on you.
It's going to take hours.
No!

It's going to take hours.
No!
No, no!

No!
No, no!
Not barbra!

No, no!
Not barbra!
[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Siren wailing ]

Listen, I've been thinking.

Listen, I've been thinking.
Do you think we'll ever use that

Listen, I've been thinking.
Do you think we'll ever use that
stuff we learned in high school?

Do you think we'll ever use that
stuff we learned in high school?
What stuff was that?

Stuff we learned in high school?
What stuff was that?
Okay, you're clean.

What stuff was that?
Okay, you're clean.
But if you find a badge, turn it

Okay, you're clean.
But if you find a badge, turn it
in.

But if you find a badge, turn it
in.
Okay?

In.
Okay?
Get the hell out of here.

Okay?
Get the hell out of here.
Scoot.

Get the hell out of here.
Scoot.
Hey, sarge, I think we might

Scoot.
Hey, sarge, I think we might
have something.

Hey, sarge, I think we might
have something.
Don't get drunk and leave

Have something.
Don't get drunk and leave
town.

Don't get drunk and leave
town.
Who is this?

Town.
Who is this?
Oh, he's helping out with the

Who is this?
Oh, he's helping out with the
investigation.

Oh, he's helping out with the
investigation.
So, are we gonna eat or what?

Investigation.
So, are we gonna eat or what?
Wow.

So, are we gonna eat or what?
Wow.
He's good.

Wow.
He's good.
I'll say.

He's good.
I'll say.
So, this is what they think the

I'll say.
So, this is what they think the
k*ller might look like.

So, this is what they think the
k*ller might look like.
Oh, yeah.

k*ller might look like.
Oh, yeah.
And that's I guess what he'd

Oh, yeah.
And that's I guess what he'd
looked like with sideburns.

And that's I guess what he'd
looked like with sideburns.
Yeah.

Looked like with sideburns.
Yeah.
Oh, here's what they think

Yeah.
Oh, here's what they think
he'll look like with a beard.

Oh, here's what they think
he'll look like with a beard.
Right.

He'll look like with a beard.
Right.
And that's what I guess he'd

Right.
And that's what I guess he'd
look like if he gained a lot of

And that's what I guess he'd
look like if he gained a lot of
weight and kind of panicked and

Look like if he gained a lot of
weight and kind of panicked and
got a perm.

Weight and kind of panicked and
got a perm.
Yow.

Got a perm.
Yow.
So are we gonna eat or what?

Yow.
So are we gonna eat or what?
Huh?

So are we gonna eat or what?
Huh?
You know, eat.

Huh?
You know, eat.
Are we gonna eat, huh?

You know, eat.
Are we gonna eat, huh?
Eat, eat, huh?

Are we gonna eat, huh?
Eat, eat, huh?
Mangia.

Eat, eat, huh?
Mangia.
Well, I just want to know.

Mangia.
Well, I just want to know.
Yeah, get this guy some

Well, I just want to know.
Yeah, get this guy some
grub, huh?

Yeah, get this guy some
grub, huh?
[ Laughs ]

Grub, huh?
[ Laughs ]
something strange about that

[ Laughs ]
something strange about that
guy.

Something strange about that
guy.
What do you think?

Guy.
What do you think?
He's got an eating disorder?

What do you think?
He's got an eating disorder?
Yeah.

He's got an eating disorder?
Yeah.
Well, you know, we all deal

Yeah.
Well, you know, we all deal
with stress different ways.

Well, you know, we all deal
with stress different ways.
How so?

With stress different ways.
How so?
Like, uh...

How so?
Like, uh...
[ Howls ]

Like, uh...
[ Howls ]
[ cheers and applause ]

Good morning, guys.

Good morning, guys.
Morning.

Good morning, guys.
Morning.
Hi.

Morning.
Hi.
Morning, sims.

Hi.
Morning, sims.
Morning, mr. Connors.

Morning, sims.
Morning, mr. Connors.
[ Screaming ]

Morning, mr. Connors.
[ Screaming ]
how was your weekend?

[ Screaming ]
how was your weekend?
[ Speaking indistinctly ]

How was your weekend?
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
how was yours?

[ Speaking indistinctly ]
how was yours?
None of your business.

How was yours?
None of your business.
Now get to work.

None of your business.
Now get to work.
Sure.

Now get to work.
Sure.
Guys, how's it going?

Sure.
Guys, how's it going?
Okay.

Guys, how's it going?
Okay.
Are you all right?

Okay.
Are you all right?
Oh, sure.

Are you all right?
Oh, sure.
Is it my imagination, or is

Oh, sure.
Is it my imagination, or is
connors getting worse?

Is it my imagination, or is
connors getting worse?
No, I think he is getting

Connors getting worse?
No, I think he is getting
worse.

No, I think he is getting
worse.
I was doing his laundry this

Worse.
I was doing his laundry this
weekend, and I lost one of his

I was doing his laundry this
weekend, and I lost one of his
socks -- he broke my collarbone.

Weekend, and I lost one of his
socks -- he broke my collarbone.
Oh, god.

Socks -- he broke my collarbone.
Oh, god.
I hear you, brother.

Oh, god.
I hear you, brother.
Last week, I'm doing a double

I hear you, brother.
Last week, I'm doing a double
shift, right?

Last week, I'm doing a double
shift, right?
After I'm done, I gotta go to

Shift, right?
After I'm done, I gotta go to
his place and lick his dog's

After I'm done, I gotta go to
his place and lick his dog's
belly clean.

His place and lick his dog's
belly clean.
Yeah, I've done that.

Belly clean.
Yeah, I've done that.
Yeah, me too.

Yeah, I've done that.
Yeah, me too.
And I wasn't hired to do that.

Yeah, me too.
And I wasn't hired to do that.
That's exactly it.

And I wasn't hired to do that.
That's exactly it.
Guys, I think we better get

That's exactly it.
Guys, I think we better get
to work.

Guys, I think we better get
to work.
Come on, how can you work?

To work.
Come on, how can you work?
We saw what he did to you.

Come on, how can you work?
We saw what he did to you.
Yeah, well, no job's perfect,

We saw what he did to you.
Yeah, well, no job's perfect,
I guess.

Yeah, well, no job's perfect,
I guess.
Yeah, but you gotta expect a

I guess.
Yeah, but you gotta expect a
certain bare minimum of...

Yeah, but you gotta expect a
certain bare minimum of...
Excuse me.

Certain bare minimum of...
Excuse me.
What's with all the talking?

Excuse me.
What's with all the talking?
You talk again, I shave your

What's with all the talking?
You talk again, I shave your
bodies.

You talk again, I shave your
bodies.
Isn't there something you want

Bodies.
Isn't there something you want
to say?

Isn't there something you want
to say?
Huh?

To say?
Huh?
Foreman connors is great.

Huh?
Foreman connors is great.
He puts food on our plate.

Foreman connors is great.
He puts food on our plate.
He holds all the power, but I

He puts food on our plate.
He holds all the power, but I
get $. An hour.

He holds all the power, but I
get $. An hour.
Now get to work!

Get $. An hour.
Now get to work!
[ Muzak plays ]

Now get to work!
[ Muzak plays ]
man, when I look at him and

[ Muzak plays ]
man, when I look at him and
think about how I have to go

Man, when I look at him and
think about how I have to go
down to the river tonight and

Think about how I have to go
down to the river tonight and
wash his stinking hair, it

Down to the river tonight and
wash his stinking hair, it
really makes me start to hate

Wash his stinking hair, it
really makes me start to hate
this job.

Really makes me start to hate
this job.
I didn't know you had to do

This job.
I didn't know you had to do
that.

I didn't know you had to do
that.
Oh, yeah, condition it, set

That.
Oh, yeah, condition it, set
it, the whole thing.

Oh, yeah, condition it, set
it, the whole thing.
And I wasn't hired to do that.

It, the whole thing.
And I wasn't hired to do that.
And I am so sick of buffing

And I wasn't hired to do that.
And I am so sick of buffing
his warts.

And I am so sick of buffing
his warts.
Why can't he chew his own

His warts.
Why can't he chew his own
food?

Why can't he chew his own
food?
[ Audience groans ]

Food?
[ Audience groans ]
gee, you make it sound so

[ Audience groans ]
gee, you make it sound so
horrible.

Gee, you make it sound so
horrible.
Well, it is.

Horrible.
Well, it is.
Think about it.

Well, it is.
Think about it.
Maybe.

Think about it.
Maybe.
Sims.

Maybe.
Sims.
I've got a pimple on my back.

Sims.
I've got a pimple on my back.
No.

I've got a pimple on my back.
No.
Yeah, it's got your name on

No.
Yeah, it's got your name on
it.

Yeah, it's got your name on
it.
Can't you hear it?

It.
Can't you hear it?
Listen.

Can't you hear it?
Listen.
It's saying, "squeeze me!"

Listen.
It's saying, "squeeze me!"
That's not my job anymore.

It's saying, "squeeze me!"
That's not my job anymore.
"Squeeze me!"

That's not my job anymore.
"Squeeze me!"
Aah!

"Squeeze me!"
Aah!
[ Groaning ]

Aah!
[ Groaning ]
you made me a freak!

[ Groaning ]
you made me a freak!
[ Sobbing ]

You made me a freak!
[ Sobbing ]
[ dramatic music plays ]

And that's how he became the

And that's how he became the
phantom of the warehouse.

And that's how he became the
phantom of the warehouse.
Wow.

Phantom of the warehouse.
Wow.
And on monday mornings, they

Wow.
And on monday mornings, they
say you can still hear him.

And on monday mornings, they
say you can still hear him.
You got that straw?

Say you can still hear him.
You got that straw?
Yeah, do you want me to clean

You got that straw?
Yeah, do you want me to clean
your ears now?

Yeah, do you want me to clean
your ears now?
That's what I want.

Your ears now?
That's what I want.
[ Gurgling ]

That's what I want.
[ Gurgling ]
squeeze me!

[ Gurgling ]
squeeze me!
Squeeze me!

Squeeze me!
Squeeze me!
[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Siren wailing ]
that's a classic, partner.

I'd like to be there to see

I'd like to be there to see
the look on his face when he

I'd like to be there to see
the look on his face when he
gets it in the mail.

The look on his face when he
gets it in the mail.
Hey.

Gets it in the mail.
Hey.
Can I see your g*n for a second?

Hey.
Can I see your g*n for a second?
No, sir.

Can I see your g*n for a second?
No, sir.
Well, if you haven't seen a

No, sir.
Well, if you haven't seen a
g*n before, it is kind of

Well, if you haven't seen a
g*n before, it is kind of
exciting.

g*n before, it is kind of
exciting.
Okay, minutes.

Exciting.
Okay, minutes.
Very cool!

Okay, minutes.
Very cool!
Hey, cut that out!

Very cool!
Hey, cut that out!
What did we just tell you?

Hey, cut that out!
What did we just tell you?
No, I'm a different kid.

What did we just tell you?
No, I'm a different kid.
Hey, you little snot rag.

No, I'm a different kid.
Hey, you little snot rag.
Come on, let's get that john doe

Hey, you little snot rag.
Come on, let's get that john doe
outta here.

Come on, let's get that john doe
outta here.
He's caused enough trouble

Outta here.
He's caused enough trouble
tonight.

He's caused enough trouble
tonight.
All right, back her up.

Tonight.
All right, back her up.
[ Siren wailing ]

All right, back her up.
[ Siren wailing ]
[ chuckles ]

[ Siren wailing ]
[ chuckles ]
listen, uh, I been meaning to

[ Chuckles ]
listen, uh, I been meaning to
tell you something.

Listen, uh, I been meaning to
tell you something.
Oh, what, like your life

Tell you something.
Oh, what, like your life
didn't turn out the way you'd

Oh, what, like your life
didn't turn out the way you'd
hoped?

Didn't turn out the way you'd
hoped?
No, that I liked your shirt.

Hoped?
No, that I liked your shirt.
But now that you mention it, I

No, that I liked your shirt.
But now that you mention it, I
guess my life didn't turn out

But now that you mention it, I
guess my life didn't turn out
the way I had hoped.

Guess my life didn't turn out
the way I had hoped.
Well...

The way I had hoped.
Well...
How did you know?

Well...
How did you know?
Hey, I'm a cop.

How did you know?
Hey, I'm a cop.
Yeah.

Hey, I'm a cop.
Yeah.
You are, too.

[ Cheers and applause ]