[ Siren wailing ]
[ Siren wailing ]
[ singing opera ]
Wow.
Wow.
I'm surprised you never followed
Wow.
I'm surprised you never followed
a career in opera.
I'm surprised you never followed
a career in opera.
Well, I thought about it, but
A career in opera.
Well, I thought about it, but
I was too into law enforcement.
Well, I thought about it, but
I was too into law enforcement.
Yeah, I can see that.
I was too into law enforcement.
Yeah, I can see that.
Sure, sure.
Yeah, I can see that.
Sure, sure.
Did you ever think of doing
Sure, sure.
Did you ever think of doing
anything besides being a cop?
Did you ever think of doing
anything besides being a cop?
Well, for a while I did think
Anything besides being a cop?
Well, for a while I did think
I might become a security guard.
Well, for a while I did think
I might become a security guard.
Oh, yeah.
I might become a security guard.
Oh, yeah.
They're related, you know?
Oh, yeah.
They're related, you know?
I don't see it.
They're related, you know?
I don't see it.
No?
Good party, huh?
Good party, huh?
Huh?
Good party, huh?
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
I think phil has outdone himself
Oh, yeah.
I think phil has outdone himself
this time, huh?
I think phil has outdone himself
this time, huh?
For sure, I think phil has
This time, huh?
For sure, I think phil has
thrown himself the par-tay of
For sure, I think phil has
thrown himself the par-tay of
the year.
Thrown himself the par-tay of
the year.
Whoo!
The year.
Whoo!
Come on, phil.
Whoo!
Come on, phil.
Stop embarrassing yourself.
Come on, phil.
Stop embarrassing yourself.
Everyone knows it's you fishing
Stop embarrassing yourself.
Everyone knows it's you fishing
for compliments.
Everyone knows it's you fishing
for compliments.
Sorry.
For compliments.
Sorry.
Yeah, well.
[ Dance music plays ]
Chicken or pork kabob?
Chicken or pork kabob?
Uh, chicken, please.
Chicken or pork kabob?
Chicken or pork kabob?
Uh, chicken kabob.
Who deboned the chickens?
Who deboned the chickens?
Funny?
Who deboned the chickens?
Funny?
This is funny to you?
Funny?
This is funny to you?
This is funny?
This is funny to you?
This is funny?
Get in the kitchen!
Shouldn't you be giving him
Shouldn't you be giving him
the heimlich maneuver?
Shouldn't you be giving him
the heimlich maneuver?
No, I don't think so.
The heimlich maneuver?
No, I don't think so.
See, wes is new here, and I'm
No, I don't think so.
See, wes is new here, and I'm
out of with the heimlich
See, wes is new here, and I'm
out of with the heimlich
maneuver.
Out of with the heimlich
maneuver.
Don't worry.
Maneuver.
Don't worry.
We'll get him to a doctor.
[ Siren wailing ]
Okay, what do we got here?
Okay, what do we got here?
Ah, chicken-bone choker.
Okay, what do we got here?
Ah, chicken-bone choker.
Really?
Ah, chicken-bone choker.
Really?
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay, let's get him into a
Yeah.
Okay, let's get him into a
room, have a look at him.
Okay, let's get him into a
room, have a look at him.
Come on.
Room, have a look at him.
Come on.
Let's move it, move it, move it!
I've got to get back on the
I've got to get back on the
horse.
I'll have the chicken kabob,
I'll have the chicken kabob,
please.
I'll have the chicken kabob,
please.
Are you sure?
Please.
Are you sure?
If I don't have the kabob
Are you sure?
If I don't have the kabob
now, I may never have the kabob
If I don't have the kabob
now, I may never have the kabob
again.
Now, I may never have the kabob
again.
Give me the kabob.
Okay.
Okay.
Again?
Okay.
Again?
Okay, let's get him up on the
Again?
Okay, let's get him up on the
table, I guess, and have a look
Okay, let's get him up on the
table, I guess, and have a look
at him.
Table, I guess, and have a look
at him.
Now let's move it!
At him.
Now let's move it!
Back on the horse.
Now let's move it!
Back on the horse.
I know, I know, but at least
Back on the horse.
I know, I know, but at least
try the pork.
I know, I know, but at least
try the pork.
There's no bones in it!
Try the pork.
There's no bones in it!
Okay.
There's no bones in it!
Okay.
[ Siren wailing ]
Doctor, you got to help him!
Doctor, you got to help him!
No, I don't "got" to do
Doctor, you got to help him!
No, I don't "got" to do
anything.
No, I don't "got" to do
anything.
I had to [choking] get back
Anything.
I had to [choking] get back
on the [choking] horse.
I had to [choking] get back
on the [choking] horse.
I'll help you get back on the
On the [choking] horse.
I'll help you get back on the
g*dd*mn horse!
I'll help you get back on the
g*dd*mn horse!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
Thanks, doc!
Thanks, doc!
I got a score to settle with a
Thanks, doc!
I got a score to settle with a
kabob.
Where is he?
Where is he?
Relax.
Where is he?
Relax.
[ Clears throat ]
Relax.
[ Clears throat ]
tom, I'd like you to meet
[ Clears throat ]
tom, I'd like you to meet
ed mcmahon...
Tom, I'd like you to meet
ed mcmahon...
The ed mcmahon!
Ed mcmahon...
The ed mcmahon!
Wow!
The ed mcmahon!
Wow!
It's a real pleasure to meet
Wow!
It's a real pleasure to meet
you, mr. Mcmahon.
It's a real pleasure to meet
you, mr. Mcmahon.
Pleasure's all mine, tom.
You, mr. Mcmahon.
Pleasure's all mine, tom.
Ed?
Pleasure's all mine, tom.
Ed?
Would you mind if I spoke to
Ed?
Would you mind if I spoke to
phil in private for a second?
Would you mind if I spoke to
phil in private for a second?
Oh, no, sure.
Phil in private for a second?
Oh, no, sure.
Why don't you make yourself
Oh, no, sure.
Why don't you make yourself
at home, ed?
Why don't you make yourself
at home, ed?
Take a load off.
At home, ed?
Take a load off.
Like I do at johnny carson's
Take a load off.
Like I do at johnny carson's
house.
Like I do at johnny carson's
house.
Yes, like at johnny carson's
House.
Yes, like at johnny carson's
house.
Yes, like at johnny carson's
house.
Phil...
House.
Phil...
Can you believe it?
Phil...
Can you believe it?
Ed mcmahon in our apartment?
Can you believe it?
Ed mcmahon in our apartment?
Yeah.
Ed mcmahon in our apartment?
Yeah.
Phil, I don't mean to burst your
Yeah.
Phil, I don't mean to burst your
bubble or anything, but I've
Phil, I don't mean to burst your
bubble or anything, but I've
kind of got a feeling that that
Bubble or anything, but I've
kind of got a feeling that that
isn't ed mcmahon.
Kind of got a feeling that that
isn't ed mcmahon.
You're just jealous because
Isn't ed mcmahon.
You're just jealous because
I met him first!
You're just jealous because
I met him first!
No!
I met him first!
No!
No, phil, I'm not.
No!
No, phil, I'm not.
Trust me!
No, phil, I'm not.
Trust me!
I mean, look at him.
Trust me!
I mean, look at him.
He sat in a chair, phil.
I mean, look at him.
He sat in a chair, phil.
Ed doesn't sit in a chair, phil.
He sat in a chair, phil.
Ed doesn't sit in a chair, phil.
Ed sits on a couch.
Ed doesn't sit in a chair, phil.
Ed sits on a couch.
The bastard made a fool out
Ed sits on a couch.
The bastard made a fool out
of me!
The bastard made a fool out
of me!
I'll k*ll him!
Of me!
I'll k*ll him!
No, phil.
I'll k*ll him!
No, phil.
Let me handle this, okay?
No, phil.
Let me handle this, okay?
Be cool.
Let me handle this, okay?
Be cool.
Right!
Be cool.
Right!
So, ed, uh...tell me.
Right!
So, ed, uh...tell me.
What brings you to this part of
So, ed, uh...tell me.
What brings you to this part of
saskatchewan?
What brings you to this part of
saskatchewan?
Oh, well, you know, this and
Saskatchewan?
Oh, well, you know, this and
that and, uh, hey, what's with
Oh, well, you know, this and
that and, uh, hey, what's with
the third degree?
That and, uh, hey, what's with
the third degree?
Hey!
The third degree?
Hey!
What's going on here?!
Hey!
What's going on here?!
All right, I'm going to level
What's going on here?!
All right, I'm going to level
with you.
All right, I'm going to level
with you.
My buddy phil and i...well, we
With you.
My buddy phil and i...well, we
don't think you're really
My buddy phil and i...well, we
don't think you're really
ed mcmahon.
Don't think you're really
ed mcmahon.
You don't think I'm
Ed mcmahon.
You don't think I'm
ed mcmahon?
You don't think I'm
ed mcmahon?
No.
Ed mcmahon?
No.
Well, let me tell you
No.
Well, let me tell you
something.
Well, let me tell you
something.
I don't care what you think
Something.
I don't care what you think
because I know that in my heart
I don't care what you think
because I know that in my heart
of hearts I am who I claim to
Because I know that in my heart
of hearts I am who I claim to
be.
Of hearts I am who I claim to
be.
So I don't have to prove
Be.
So I don't have to prove
anything to anybody.
So I don't have to prove
anything to anybody.
I mean, I'm ed mcmahon, right?
Anything to anybody.
I mean, I'm ed mcmahon, right?
The king of sidekicks, the host
I mean, I'm ed mcmahon, right?
The king of sidekicks, the host
of "star search."
The king of sidekicks, the host
of "star search."
And if you don't believe that,
Of "star search."
And if you don't believe that,
then that's your problem, not
And if you don't believe that,
then that's your problem, not
mine.
Then that's your problem, not
mine.
I don't have to stand here and
Mine.
I don't have to stand here and
be insulted by the likes of you.
I don't have to stand here and
be insulted by the likes of you.
So if you'll just make me that
Be insulted by the likes of you.
So if you'll just make me that
sandwich you promised me, I'll
So if you'll just make me that
sandwich you promised me, I'll
be on my way.
Sandwich you promised me, I'll
be on my way.
Gosh, I'm sorry, mr. Mcmahon.
Be on my way.
Gosh, I'm sorry, mr. Mcmahon.
I mean, we had to make sure.
Gosh, I'm sorry, mr. Mcmahon.
I mean, we had to make sure.
You know, there's a lot of
I mean, we had to make sure.
You know, there's a lot of
crazies out there.
You know, there's a lot of
crazies out there.
You could have been anybody.
Crazies out there.
You could have been anybody.
I told you it was ed mcmahon.
You could have been anybody.
I told you it was ed mcmahon.
Get off my back, okay, phil?!
I told you it was ed mcmahon.
Get off my back, okay, phil?!
Hey, relax, you two.
Get off my back, okay, phil?!
Hey, relax, you two.
Sandwich?
Hey, relax, you two.
Sandwich?
Phil, could you make
Sandwich?
Phil, could you make
mr. Mcmahon a sandwich, please?
Phil, could you make
mr. Mcmahon a sandwich, please?
Wait till I tell
Mr. Mcmahon a sandwich, please?
Wait till I tell
george carlin about this!
Wait till I tell
george carlin about this!
Have a seat, ed.
You're in trouble plenty,
You're in trouble plenty,
mister.
You're in trouble plenty,
mister.
You were drunk, you were going
Mister.
You were drunk, you were going
in a school zone, and I don't
You were drunk, you were going
in a school zone, and I don't
think that blindfold was such a
In a school zone, and I don't
think that blindfold was such a
smart idea, either.
Think that blindfold was such a
smart idea, either.
Luckily you had your seat belt
Smart idea, either.
Luckily you had your seat belt
on, but I don't care.
Luckily you had your seat belt
on, but I don't care.
I'm taking you down to the
On, but I don't care.
I'm taking you down to the
station.
I'm taking you down to the
station.
Hold it, partner.
Station.
Hold it, partner.
Shift's over, man.
Hold it, partner.
Shift's over, man.
You got to let him go.
Shift's over, man.
You got to let him go.
All right.
You got to let him go.
All right.
But you're gonna meet me here at
All right.
But you're gonna meet me here at
: tomorrow morning.
But you're gonna meet me here at
: tomorrow morning.
I'm working again.
: Tomorrow morning.
I'm working again.
Though legally, you don't
I'm working again.
Though legally, you don't
have to.
Though legally, you don't
have to.
We just can't do our jobs.
Have to.
We just can't do our jobs.
Not without overtime.
We just can't do our jobs.
Not without overtime.
Damn!
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay.
That's enough.
Okay, okay.
That's enough.
You've had enough, okay?
That's enough.
You've had enough, okay?
sh**t.
You've had enough, okay?
sh**t.
sh**t, yes.
sh**t.
sh**t, yes.
Weren't they lovely?
sh**t, yes.
Weren't they lovely?
You had enough of them.
Weren't they lovely?
You had enough of them.
Off we go.
You had enough of them.
Off we go.
There we go.
Off we go.
There we go.
Night, night.
There we go.
Night, night.
Give my best to sky.
Night, night.
Give my best to sky.
Oh, jeez!
Give my best to sky.
Oh, jeez!
It's times like this I just
Oh, jeez!
It's times like this I just
don't want to be a f*gg*t.
It's times like this I just
don't want to be a f*gg*t.
Sorry!
Don't want to be a f*gg*t.
Sorry!
Excuse me for sounding bitter,
Sorry!
Excuse me for sounding bitter,
but I am.
Excuse me for sounding bitter,
but I am.
I just broke up with my lover,
But I am.
I just broke up with my lover,
zeke.
I just broke up with my lover,
zeke.
I think he was cheating on me.
Zeke.
I think he was cheating on me.
His nickname for me was "next!"
I think he was cheating on me.
His nickname for me was "next!"
So I picked myself up, dusted
His nickname for me was "next!"
So I picked myself up, dusted
myself off, swallowed my
So I picked myself up, dusted
myself off, swallowed my
pride -- 'cause it's still
Myself off, swallowed my
pride -- 'cause it's still
safe -- and prepared myself for
Pride -- 'cause it's still
safe -- and prepared myself for
battle.
Safe -- and prepared myself for
battle.
Although I must confess, this
Battle.
Although I must confess, this
time I wasn't looking forward
Although I must confess, this
time I wasn't looking forward
to it.
Time I wasn't looking forward
to it.
You see, during the six weeks
To it.
You see, during the six weeks
that zeke and I had been
You see, during the six weeks
that zeke and I had been
together, I'd become overly
That zeke and I had been
together, I'd become overly
secure about aids.
Together, I'd become overly
secure about aids.
Aids was something that happened
Secure about aids.
Aids was something that happened
to other people.
Aids was something that happened
to other people.
But ever since magic johnson, I
To other people.
But ever since magic johnson, I
realized it could even happen
But ever since magic johnson, I
realized it could even happen
to me.
Realized it could even happen
to me.
All of a sudden that strange,
To me.
All of a sudden that strange,
new army of penises, which
All of a sudden that strange,
new army of penises, which
moments before had seemed so
New army of penises, which
moments before had seemed so
innocent, now appeared to me as
Moments before had seemed so
innocent, now appeared to me as
poison-tipped sabres aimed at my
Innocent, now appeared to me as
poison-tipped sabres aimed at my
heart.
Poison-tipped sabres aimed at my
heart.
So, not to despair, I sat right
Heart.
So, not to despair, I sat right
down, and I drew myself up a
So, not to despair, I sat right
down, and I drew myself up a
list of high-risk groups that I
Down, and I drew myself up a
list of high-risk groups that I
should avoid in my search for a
List of high-risk groups that I
should avoid in my search for a
new man.
Should avoid in my search for a
new man.
Africans, addicts, americans --
New man.
Africans, addicts, americans --
but mostly for their politics --
Africans, addicts, americans --
but mostly for their politics --
armenians.
But mostly for their politics --
armenians.
Oh, nothing to do with aids.
Armenians.
Oh, nothing to do with aids.
It's just that I'm part
Oh, nothing to do with aids.
It's just that I'm part
azerbaijani.
It's just that I'm part
azerbaijani.
An hour later I was still in the
Azerbaijani.
An hour later I was still in the
b's.
An hour later I was still in the
b's.
By the time the sun came up, my
B's.
By the time the sun came up, my
list was completed, and
By the time the sun came up, my
list was completed, and
everybody had been eliminated,
List was completed, and
everybody had been eliminated,
except for one.
Everybody had been eliminated,
except for one.
A certain miss eleanor parisi,
Except for one.
A certain miss eleanor parisi,
an -year-old virgin in perfect
A certain miss eleanor parisi,
an -year-old virgin in perfect
health who lived at
An -year-old virgin in perfect
health who lived at
pine avenue.
Health who lived at
pine avenue.
So I rang her up.
Pine avenue.
So I rang her up.
I think she'd been expecting my
So I rang her up.
I think she'd been expecting my
call.
I think she'd been expecting my
call.
She was very nice, and we made a
Call.
She was very nice, and we made a
date for the following saturday.
She was very nice, and we made a
date for the following saturday.
By the time saturday night
Date for the following saturday.
By the time saturday night
rolled around, I was as nervous
By the time saturday night
rolled around, I was as nervous
as a long-tailed polecat in a
Rolled around, I was as nervous
as a long-tailed polecat in a
room full of rocking chairs.
As a long-tailed polecat in a
room full of rocking chairs.
At : I rang her doorbell.
Room full of rocking chairs.
At : I rang her doorbell.
She greeted me at the door --
At : I rang her doorbell.
She greeted me at the door --
an absolute vision in a blue
She greeted me at the door --
an absolute vision in a blue
housedress smelling faintly of
An absolute vision in a blue
housedress smelling faintly of
rosewater.
Housedress smelling faintly of
rosewater.
She invited me in.
Rosewater.
She invited me in.
She had to.
She invited me in.
She had to.
The neighbors were throwing
She had to.
The neighbors were throwing
rocks at me.
The neighbors were throwing
rocks at me.
We sat close together on her
Rocks at me.
We sat close together on her
horsehair sofa and watched
We sat close together on her
horsehair sofa and watched
"hockey night in canada."
Horsehair sofa and watched
"hockey night in canada."
She let me pet her cat.
"Hockey night in canada."
She let me pet her cat.
If you think I'm going to make a
She let me pet her cat.
If you think I'm going to make a
p*ssy joke, you're sadly
If you think I'm going to make a
p*ssy joke, you're sadly
mistaken!
p*ssy joke, you're sadly
mistaken!
Both of us drank way too much
Mistaken!
Both of us drank way too much
ginger ale, and at : she
Both of us drank way too much
ginger ale, and at : she
passed out.
Ginger ale, and at : she
passed out.
Her teeth fell out on her
Passed out.
Her teeth fell out on her
bosom -- well, her knees -- so I
Her teeth fell out on her
bosom -- well, her knees -- so I
took them as a memento.
Bosom -- well, her knees -- so I
took them as a memento.
Call me sentimental.
Took them as a memento.
Call me sentimental.
So I went home.
Call me sentimental.
So I went home.
But when I got home, I was still
So I went home.
But when I got home, I was still
horny.
But when I got home, I was still
horny.
So I masturbated during a rerun
Horny.
So I masturbated during a rerun
of "mary tyler moore."
So I masturbated during a rerun
of "mary tyler moore."
Thinking of gordy, but only
Of "mary tyler moore."
Thinking of gordy, but only
during the commercials!
Thinking of gordy, but only
during the commercials!
It's just not fair to mary!
During the commercials!
It's just not fair to mary!
All right, blondie, it's time to
It's just not fair to mary!
All right, blondie, it's time to
go.
All right, blondie, it's time to
go.
Oh, look.
Go.
Oh, look.
A pillow, already warm.
Oh, look.
A pillow, already warm.
More sh**t?
A pillow, already warm.
More sh**t?
sh**t, yes, that's right.
Hi!
Hi!
Can I help you?
Hi!
Can I help you?
Yes.
Can I help you?
Yes.
Good.
Yes.
Good.
That's a start.
Good.
That's a start.
What can I get you?
That's a start.
What can I get you?
[ Meekly ] can I have a tea,
What can I get you?
[ Meekly ] can I have a tea,
please?
[ Meekly ] can I have a tea,
please?
Sorry...what?
Please?
Sorry...what?
Can I have a tea, please,
Sorry...what?
Can I have a tea, please,
chamomile tea?
Can I have a tea, please,
chamomile tea?
Sorry, I can't hear what
Chamomile tea?
Sorry, I can't hear what
you're saying.
Sorry, I can't hear what
you're saying.
Tea.
You're saying.
Tea.
I'd like a tea.
Tea.
I'd like a tea.
You want a tea?
I'd like a tea.
You want a tea?
Yes, chamomile tea.
You want a tea?
Yes, chamomile tea.
Then ask me.
Yes, chamomile tea.
Then ask me.
I am asking you.
Then ask me.
I am asking you.
No, no, I'm not going to
I am asking you.
No, no, I'm not going to
get you a tea when you ask me
No, no, I'm not going to
get you a tea when you ask me
like that.
Get you a tea when you ask me
like that.
You're being a wimp about it.
Like that.
You're being a wimp about it.
Come on, ask me for a tea!
You're being a wimp about it.
Come on, ask me for a tea!
Can I have a tea?
Come on, ask me for a tea!
Can I have a tea?
Can I have a tea what?
Can I have a tea?
Can I have a tea what?
Can I have a tea, please?
Can I have a tea what?
Can I have a tea, please?
All right.
Can I have a tea, please?
All right.
Now ask me.
All right.
Now ask me.
I am asking you.
Now ask me.
I am asking you.
Louder.
I am asking you.
Louder.
Can I have a tea, please?
Louder.
Can I have a tea, please?
I'm not going to get you a
Can I have a tea, please?
I'm not going to get you a
tea when you ask me like that,
I'm not going to get you a
tea when you ask me like that,
you wimp.
Tea when you ask me like that,
you wimp.
Come on, come at me.
You wimp.
Come on, come at me.
Can I have a tea, please?
Come on, come at me.
Can I have a tea, please?
Come on, come at me.
Can I have a tea, please?
Come on, come at me.
Can I have a tea, please?
Come on, come at me.
Can I have a tea, please?
Be a man about it.
Can I have a tea, please?
Be a man about it.
I am a man.
Be a man about it.
I am a man.
Here, try this.
I am a man.
Here, try this.
[ Same voice ] can I have a
Here, try this.
[ Same voice ] can I have a
tea, please?
[ Same voice ] can I have a
tea, please?
Chamomile tea.
Tea, please?
Chamomile tea.
Do it again.
Chamomile tea.
Do it again.
Can I have a tea, please?
Do it again.
Can I have a tea, please?
Chamomile tea.
Can I have a tea, please?
Chamomile tea.
Look.
Chamomile tea.
Look.
Try, "gimme a tea."
Look.
Try, "gimme a tea."
Gimme a tea!
Try, "gimme a tea."
Gimme a tea!
Come on.
Gimme a tea!
Come on.
Say, "gimme a tea!"
Come on.
Say, "gimme a tea!"
Gimme a tea, please?
Say, "gimme a tea!"
Gimme a tea, please?
Drop the "please."
Gimme a tea, please?
Drop the "please."
You told me to put it in
Drop the "please."
You told me to put it in
earlier.
You told me to put it in
earlier.
Forget it!
Earlier.
Forget it!
Say, "gimme a tea, you bastard!"
Forget it!
Say, "gimme a tea, you bastard!"
Try that!
Say, "gimme a tea, you bastard!"
Try that!
Gimme a tea, you bastard.
Try that!
Gimme a tea, you bastard.
All right, now say it like I
Gimme a tea, you bastard.
All right, now say it like I
k*lled your dog.
All right, now say it like I
k*lled your dog.
Pretend I k*lled your dog.
k*lled your dog.
Pretend I k*lled your dog.
I don't have a dog.
Pretend I k*lled your dog.
I don't have a dog.
I know because I k*lled it!
I don't have a dog.
I know because I k*lled it!
Now come on.
I know because I k*lled it!
Now come on.
Say, "gimme a tea, you bastard,
Now come on.
Say, "gimme a tea, you bastard,
before I b*at the crap out of
Say, "gimme a tea, you bastard,
before I b*at the crap out of
you."
Before I b*at the crap out of
you."
Come on!
You."
Come on!
Gimme a tea, you bastard,
Come on!
Gimme a tea, you bastard,
before I b*at the crap out of
Gimme a tea, you bastard,
before I b*at the crap out of
you.
Before I b*at the crap out of
you.
Louder.
You.
Louder.
Gimme a tea, you bastard,
Louder.
Gimme a tea, you bastard,
before I b*at the crap out of
Before I b*at the crap out of
you.
Louder.
You.
Louder.
Gimme a tea, you bastard,
Louder.
Gimme a tea, you bastard,
before I b*at the crap out of
Gimme a tea, you bastard,
before I b*at the crap out of
you.
Before I b*at the crap out of
you.
Okay, I'll get you a tea.
You.
Okay, I'll get you a tea.
Chamomile tea.
Okay, I'll get you a tea.
Chamomile tea.
You bastard.
Chamomile tea.
You bastard.
Here you go.
You bastard.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Hey, you're welcome.
Thank you.
Hey, you're welcome.
Let go of my hand.
Hey, you're welcome.
Let go of my hand.
You let go of my hand.
Let go of my hand.
You let go of my hand.
I am letting go of your hand.
You let go of my hand.
I am letting go of your hand.
Let go of my hand.
I am letting go of your hand.
Let go of my hand.
You let go of my hand,
Let go of my hand.
You let go of my hand,
you bastard.
You let go of my hand,
you bastard.
You let go of my hand.
[ Siren wailing ]
Huh?
Huh?
Oh, you're awake.
Huh?
Oh, you're awake.
Yeah, how long have I been
Oh, you're awake.
Yeah, how long have I been
asleep?
Yeah, how long have I been
asleep?
/ Hours.
Asleep?
/ Hours.
God, you should have woken me
/ Hours.
God, you should have woken me
up.
God, you should have woken me
up.
How come?
Up.
How come?
Well, it doesn't look good.
How come?
Well, it doesn't look good.
Yeah.
Well, it doesn't look good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can see that.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can see that.
Let's get a coffee.
Yeah, I can see that.
Let's get a coffee.
Yeah, let's.
♪ Ye-e-s ♪
♪ Ye-e-s ♪
♪ no-o ♪
♪ Ye-e-s ♪
♪ no-o ♪
♪ ye-e-s ♪
♪ No-o ♪
♪ ye-e-s ♪
♪ no ♪
♪ Ye-e-s ♪
♪ no ♪
♪ perhaps ♪
Thank you, kitchener.
Thank you, kitchener.
And tammy thanks you.
Thank you, kitchener.
And tammy thanks you.
Great show, tammy -- both songs.
And tammy thanks you.
Great show, tammy -- both songs.
Thanks.
Great show, tammy -- both songs.
Thanks.
Look -- a bead of sweat.
Thanks.
Look -- a bead of sweat.
Yeah, way rocking.
Look -- a bead of sweat.
Yeah, way rocking.
You know, there's somebody here
Yeah, way rocking.
You know, there's somebody here
that really wants to meet you.
You know, there's somebody here
that really wants to meet you.
Who?
That really wants to meet you.
Who?
The governor general of
Who?
The governor general of
canada!
The governor general of
canada!
Yes!
Canada!
Yes!
Hi.
Yes!
Hi.
Hello, tammy.
Hi.
Hello, tammy.
Uh, tammy, it's my pleasure to
Hello, tammy.
Uh, tammy, it's my pleasure to
give you this invitation to meet
Uh, tammy, it's my pleasure to
give you this invitation to meet
the queen.
Give you this invitation to meet
the queen.
Oh.
The queen.
Oh.
What's that?
Oh.
What's that?
Whoa!
What's that?
Whoa!
That's for me.
Whoa!
That's for me.
Raah!
Hello!
Hello!
Hello!
Hello!
Hello!
Hello!
Hello!
Hello!
Yoo-hoo!
Hello!
Yoo-hoo!
Hello!
Yoo-hoo!
Hello!
Hello!
Hello!
Hello!
Hello!
Hello!
Hello!
Your majesty?
Hello!
Your majesty?
Yes?
Your majesty?
Yes?
I would like you to meet this
Yes?
I would like you to meet this
average canadian working man.
I would like you to meet this
average canadian working man.
Oh!
Average canadian working man.
Oh!
Good on you!
Oh!
Good on you!
And this displaced
Good on you!
And this displaced
argentinean playwright.
And this displaced
argentinean playwright.
Oh, a wordsmith.
Argentinean playwright.
Oh, a wordsmith.
Write what you know!
Oh, a wordsmith.
Write what you know!
Yes.
Write what you know!
Yes.
And pop singer tammy.
Yes.
And pop singer tammy.
Hello, tammy.
And pop singer tammy.
Hello, tammy.
Hi.
Hello, tammy.
Hi.
I find entertainers -- oh!
Hi.
I find entertainers -- oh!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I find entertainers -- oh!
Oh, I'm sorry.
On behalf of the workers of
Oh, I'm sorry.
On behalf of the workers of
the oldest pickle factory of
On behalf of the workers of
the oldest pickle factory of
ontario, may I present to you
The oldest pickle factory of
ontario, may I present to you
this ceremonial pickle?
Ontario, may I present to you
this ceremonial pickle?
Oh, oh.
This ceremonial pickle?
Oh, oh.
Merci buckets!
Oh, oh.
Merci buckets!
Isn't it canadian?
Merci buckets!
Isn't it canadian?
Such a tiny symbol for such a
Isn't it canadian?
Such a tiny symbol for such a
large land mass.
Such a tiny symbol for such a
large land mass.
Mmm!
Large land mass.
Mmm!
Mmm!
Mmm!
Mmm!
[ Crunches ]
Come on, tammy.
Come on, tammy.
Come along.
Come on, tammy.
Come along.
[ Begins singing ]
Come along.
[ Begins singing ]
no, no.
[ Begins singing ]
no, no.
There, you see?
No, no.
There, you see?
Oh!
There, you see?
Oh!
[ Crowd gasps ]
Oh!
[ Crowd gasps ]
oh!
[ Crowd gasps ]
oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
No, no, no, no.
Oh!
No, no, no, no.
Oh!
I didn't mean any harm.
I didn't mean any harm.
As everybody knows, I just don't
I didn't mean any harm.
As everybody knows, I just don't
like pickles.
As everybody knows, I just don't
like pickles.
I'm not offended.
Like pickles.
I'm not offended.
That would be common.
I'm not offended.
That would be common.
There's nothing to be offended
That would be common.
There's nothing to be offended
by.
There's nothing to be offended
by.
Well, she's just different
By.
Well, she's just different
than me.
Well, she's just different
than me.
We're all entitled to our own...
Than me.
We're all entitled to our own...
Opinion.
We're all entitled to our own...
Opinion.
Well, what goes around comes
Opinion.
Well, what goes around comes
around.
Well, what goes around comes
around.
...anything to say to you?
Around.
...anything to say to you?
Stop it!
...anything to say to you?
Stop it!
I just want to be a normal
Stop it!
I just want to be a normal
teenager.
I just want to be a normal
teenager.
Let me do my laundry in peace.
Teenager.
Let me do my laundry in peace.
Tammy, come on.
Let me do my laundry in peace.
Tammy, come on.
Just a brief comment.
Tammy, come on.
Just a brief comment.
If the queen were here, would
Just a brief comment.
If the queen were here, would
you scratch her eyes out?
If the queen were here, would
you scratch her eyes out?
No!
You scratch her eyes out?
No!
Tammy, how do you feel about
No!
Tammy, how do you feel about
the queen calling you dumpy?
Tammy, how do you feel about
the queen calling you dumpy?
I don't believe she said
The queen calling you dumpy?
I don't believe she said
that.
I don't believe she said
that.
You're turning this thing into a
That.
You're turning this thing into a
big, huge fight.
You're turning this thing into a
big, huge fight.
Oh, come on, tammy!
Big, huge fight.
Oh, come on, tammy!
♪ La la
Oh, come on, tammy!
♪ La la
la-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ La la
la-la-la-la-la ♪
aah!
La-la-la-la-la ♪
aah!
Oh.
Aah!
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Did you come here to scratch
Oh.
Did you come here to scratch
her eyes out?
Did you come here to scratch
her eyes out?
I did not!
Her eyes out?
I did not!
I came here to do my laundry.
I did not!
I came here to do my laundry.
Ray!
I came here to do my laundry.
Ray!
Hello, tammy.
Ray!
Hello, tammy.
Hi.
Hello, tammy.
Hi.
Well?
Hi.
Well?
Uh-huh.
Well?
Uh-huh.
I suppose you have something
Uh-huh.
I suppose you have something
you wish to say to me.
I suppose you have something
you wish to say to me.
No.
You wish to say to me.
No.
Did you call me fat?
No.
Did you call me fat?
Dumpy.
Did you call me fat?
Dumpy.
I did not!
Dumpy.
I did not!
I said you had a lovely figure.
I did not!
I said you had a lovely figure.
Really?
I said you had a lovely figure.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Well, I like your hat.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I like your hat.
It's a tiara, but thanks.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
I'm sorry.
Oh!
I'm sorry.
No, it's my fault.
I'm sorry.
No, it's my fault.
I just don't like pickles.
No, it's my fault.
I just don't like pickles.
No, no!
I just don't like pickles.
No, no!
Tammy, it was me -- me and my
No, no!
Tammy, it was me -- me and my
starched english pride.
Tammy, it was me -- me and my
starched english pride.
We shouldn't fight.
Starched english pride.
We shouldn't fight.
No, we should talk things
We shouldn't fight.
No, we should talk things
through.
No, we should talk things
through.
Let's make up.
Through.
Let's make up.
Let's go shopping.
Let's make up.
Let's go shopping.
Yeah!
Let's go shopping.
Yeah!
Come along!
Yeah!
Come along!
Come on.
Come along!
Come on.
Tammy?
Come on.
Tammy?
Tammy?
Tammy?
Tammy?
Tammy?
Tammy?
Tammy?
Yorktown mall, are you ready
Tammy?
Yorktown mall, are you ready
for tammy?
Yorktown mall, are you ready
for tammy?
[ Pop music plays ]
For tammy?
[ Pop music plays ]
♪ run ♪
[ Pop music plays ]
♪ run ♪
♪ jump ♪
♪ Run ♪
♪ jump ♪
♪ throw a ball ♪
♪ Jump ♪
♪ throw a ball ♪
♪ hike ♪
♪ Throw a ball ♪
♪ hike ♪
♪ outdoors ♪
03x12 - Episode 12
Watch/Buy Amazon
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.