[ Telephone rings ]
[ Telephone rings ]
hello?
[ Telephone rings ]
hello?
This is the governor, don't
Hello?
This is the governor, don't
throw the switch!
This is the governor, don't
throw the switch!
New evidence has turned up, he
Throw the switch!
New evidence has turned up, he
is innocent.
New evidence has turned up, he
is innocent.
I am issuing a full pardon, so
Is innocent.
I am issuing a full pardon, so
do not throw the switch!
I am issuing a full pardon, so
do not throw the switch!
I'm sorry, you must have
Do not throw the switch!
I'm sorry, you must have
the wrong number.
I'm sorry, you must have
the wrong number.
Oh.
The wrong number.
Oh.
This isn't the state prison?
Oh.
This isn't the state prison?
Uh, no, it's not.
This isn't the state prison?
Uh, no, it's not.
Oh, damn.
Uh, no, it's not.
Oh, damn.
So this isn't -?
Oh, damn.
So this isn't -?
Uh, yes, it is, but it's not
So this isn't -?
Uh, yes, it is, but it's not
the state prison.
Uh, yes, it is, but it's not
the state prison.
I think you must have been given
The state prison.
I think you must have been given
the wrong number.
I think you must have been given
the wrong number.
Oh, great, uh...
The wrong number.
Oh, great, uh...
You wouldn't happen to have a
Oh, great, uh...
You wouldn't happen to have a
phone book handy, would you?
You wouldn't happen to have a
phone book handy, would you?
Uh, yeah, I do.
Phone book handy, would you?
Uh, yeah, I do.
You do? Would you mind, uh,
Uh, yeah, I do.
You do? Would you mind, uh,
just looking up the number of
You do? Would you mind, uh,
just looking up the number of
the state prison for me, if you
Just looking up the number of
the state prison for me, if you
could?
The state prison for me, if you
could?
Okay.
Could?
Okay.
If it's not too much trouble.
You wouldn't know the correct
You wouldn't know the correct
time, would you?
You wouldn't know the correct
time, would you?
Oh, yeah.
Time, would you?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it's :.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it's :.
Oooooh.
Yeah, it's :.
Oooooh.
Look, uh, never mind, okay?
Oooooh.
Look, uh, never mind, okay?
And do me a favor, we never
Look, uh, never mind, okay?
And do me a favor, we never
talked.
And do me a favor, we never
talked.
Okay, sure, okay.
Talked.
Okay, sure, okay.
[ Theme song plays ]
Ah! Water.
Nothing like a cool,
Nothing like a cool,
refreshing glass o' water.
Refreshing glass o' water.
Can I get you anything else?
Can I get you anything else?
Yep, two more of the same,
Yep, two more of the same,
it is delicious.
It is delicious.
Two more glasses, marcel.
Two more glasses, marcel.
Two more glasses of goose
Two more glasses of goose
sweat, coming up.
[ Whistling music ]
Did you spot bellini?
Did you spot bellini?
If you think you have that
If you think you have that
discerning eye, you might want
Discerning eye, you might want
to enter our "spot bellini"
To enter our "spot bellini"
contest.
Contest.
Now, tonight, in another skit,
Now, tonight, in another skit,
bellini will appear.
Bellini will appear.
What you have to do is draw the
What you have to do is draw the
picture of where you saw
Picture of where you saw
bellini, like so, and circle it,
Bellini, like so, and circle it,
sort of like I've done here.
Sort of like I've done here.
Or if you don't think you have
Or if you don't think you have
the artistic touch, like me, you
The artistic touch, like me, you
might want to describe the scene
Might want to describe the scene
you saw bellini in in ,
You saw bellini in in ,
words or more.
Words or more.
Now remember, the previous skit
Now remember, the previous skit
was just a sample and will not
Was just a sample and will not
be counted.
Be counted.
Now, what do you win if you win
Now, what do you win if you win
our "spot bellini" contest?
Our "spot bellini" contest?
Well, you get to eat breakfast
Well, you get to eat breakfast
with him at your local airport,
With him at your local airport,
where you get your choice
Where you get your choice
of either the continental
Of either the continental
breakfast, which is,
Breakfast, which is,
of course --
Or the "all canadian" breakfast,
Or the "all canadian" breakfast,
which is --
Eggs, anyway you like 'em...
Eggs, anyway you like 'em...
Bellini, of course, will only
Bellini, of course, will only
eat fish.
Eat fish.
Because that's all bellini ever
Because that's all bellini ever
eats.
Eats.
Okay, everybody at home,
Okay, everybody at home,
are you ready?
Are you ready?
[ Silence ]
[ Silence ]
I'll assume that is a yes.
I'll assume that is a yes.
Okay, everybody, get your papers
Okay, everybody, get your papers
and pencils ready, good luck,
And pencils ready, good luck,
and let the contest begin.
And let the contest begin.
Send your entries to --
Guests of "the kids in the
Guests of "the kids in the
hall" stay at home.
Hall" stay at home.
Good job, bruce, have some
Good job, bruce, have some
water.
[ Laughing ] it's really goose
[ Laughing ] it's really goose
sweat.
Sweat.
Yeah, it's good.
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing ]
eh? Eh?
[ Laughing ]
eh? Eh?
Okay, you take the guy with the
Eh? Eh?
Okay, you take the guy with the
tattoos, and I'll take the fish.
Okay, you take the guy with the
tattoos, and I'll take the fish.
I could take the fish.
Tattoos, and I'll take the fish.
I could take the fish.
Uh-uh.
I could take the fish.
Uh-uh.
Ahhh! You're dead, fish!
Uh-uh.
Ahhh! You're dead, fish!
[ Water splashing ]
I'm lying here completely
I'm lying here completely
naked, and I'm pouring hot oil
I'm lying here completely
naked, and I'm pouring hot oil
all over my body.
Naked, and I'm pouring hot oil
all over my body.
What about you?
All over my body.
What about you?
What?
What about you?
What?
Oh, that's okay, it happens to a
What?
Oh, that's okay, it happens to a
lot of people.
Oh, that's okay, it happens to a
lot of people.
Okay, that'll be bucks.
Thanks.
Thanks.
That wasn't long distance,
Thanks.
That wasn't long distance,
was it?
[ Eerie music playing ]
[ Eerie music playing ]
good evening, I am
[ Eerie music playing ]
good evening, I am
sir simon milligan.
Good evening, I am
sir simon milligan.
And welcome to the pit of
Sir simon milligan.
And welcome to the pit of
ultimate darkness.
And welcome to the pit of
ultimate darkness.
Where's the reverb?
Ultimate darkness.
Where's the reverb?
I asked for reverb...reverb...
Where's the reverb?
I asked for reverb...reverb...
Not now...now...now...
I asked for reverb...reverb...
Not now...now...now...
Never mind...never mind...
Not now...now...now...
Never mind...never mind...
Tonight, we dive into
Never mind...never mind...
Tonight, we dive into
the diseased human mind.
Tonight, we dive into
the diseased human mind.
Join me.
The diseased human mind.
Join me.
The gray matter is warm.
Within each of us there are
Within each of us there are
several personalities.
Within each of us there are
several personalities.
For example, are any of us
Several personalities.
For example, are any of us
the same person talking to our
For example, are any of us
the same person talking to our
parents as we are when we, say,
The same person talking to our
parents as we are when we, say,
haggle with a prost*tute?
Parents as we are when we, say,
haggle with a prost*tute?
J-just an example.
Haggle with a prost*tute?
J-just an example.
You see, in the normal mind,
J-just an example.
You see, in the normal mind,
these personalities are
You see, in the normal mind,
these personalities are
integrated.
These personalities are
integrated.
However, in the freakish,
Integrated.
However, in the freakish,
un-normal mind, these
However, in the freakish,
un-normal mind, these
personalities splinter, forming
Un-normal mind, these
personalities splinter, forming
separate and distinct people,
Personalities splinter, forming
separate and distinct people,
living within a single brain,
Separate and distinct people,
living within a single brain,
like this one!
Living within a single brain,
like this one!
[ Dramatic music ]
Like this one!
[ Dramatic music ]
[ splattering ]
[ Dramatic music ]
[ splattering ]
now, in the tradition of
[ Splattering ]
now, in the tradition of
"the three faces of eve," yet
Now, in the tradition of
"the three faces of eve," yet
less ambitious than "sybil,"
"The three faces of eve," yet
less ambitious than "sybil,"
join me in welcoming the
Less ambitious than "sybil,"
join me in welcoming the
multiple personalities of my
Join me in welcoming the
multiple personalities of my
brimstone baby,
Multiple personalities of my
brimstone baby,
manservant hecubus.
Good evening, master.
Good evening, master.
Good evening, and now
Good evening, master.
Good evening, and now
the sleep of ages!
Good evening, and now
the sleep of ages!
Leba la! Seba!
The sleep of ages!
Leba la! Seba!
Kootie!
Leba la! Seba!
Kootie!
Hecubus, can you hear me?
Kootie!
Hecubus, can you hear me?
Yes, master.
Hecubus, can you hear me?
Yes, master.
Is there anyone else in your
Yes, master.
Is there anyone else in your
brain that I can speak to?
Is there anyone else in your
brain that I can speak to?
Hold the phone, master.
Brain that I can speak to?
Hold the phone, master.
Hello, how ya doing, pally?
Hold the phone, master.
Hello, how ya doing, pally?
And who am I talking to?
Hello, how ya doing, pally?
And who am I talking to?
Ed. Ed's the name.
And who am I talking to?
Ed. Ed's the name.
And what do you do, ed?
Ed. Ed's the name.
And what do you do, ed?
Uh, nothin'.
And what do you do, ed?
Uh, nothin'.
Really? Then how do you know
Uh, nothin'.
Really? Then how do you know
when you're done?
Really? Then how do you know
when you're done?
[ Laughing ]
When you're done?
[ Laughing ]
evil!
[ Laughing ]
evil!
Now, is there anyone else in
Evil!
Now, is there anyone else in
there I can speak to?
Now, is there anyone else in
there I can speak to?
Sure, just a sec.
There I can speak to?
Sure, just a sec.
Hello.
Sure, just a sec.
Hello.
And who am I talking to now?
Hello.
And who am I talking to now?
Ted. Ed said you wanted to
And who am I talking to now?
Ted. Ed said you wanted to
talk to me.
Ted. Ed said you wanted to
talk to me.
Gee, ted, you sound an awful
Talk to me.
Gee, ted, you sound an awful
lot like ed.
Gee, ted, you sound an awful
lot like ed.
Yeah? Never heard that
Lot like ed.
Yeah? Never heard that
before.
Yeah? Never heard that
before.
May I speak to ed again?
Before.
May I speak to ed again?
Sure.
May I speak to ed again?
Sure.
Hello.
Sure.
Hello.
Hello, is this ed?
Hello.
Hello, is this ed?
No, this is fred.
Hello, is this ed?
No, this is fred.
Ted must have heard you wrong.
No, this is fred.
Ted must have heard you wrong.
Hold on, ed, for you.
Ted must have heard you wrong.
Hold on, ed, for you.
Hello.
Hold on, ed, for you.
Hello.
Now ed?
Hello.
Now ed?
[ Snickering ] yeah.
Now ed?
[ Snickering ] yeah.
What's so funny?
[ Snickering ] yeah.
What's so funny?
Still fred. I fooled ya!
What's so funny?
Still fred. I fooled ya!
Evil.
Still fred. I fooled ya!
Evil.
May I please speak to ed?
Evil.
May I please speak to ed?
Sure.
May I please speak to ed?
Sure.
Hello, ed here.
Sure.
Hello, ed here.
Okay, who is this?
Hello, ed here.
Okay, who is this?
Oh, it's ed, I just think what
Okay, who is this?
Oh, it's ed, I just think what
fred did was pretty damn funny.
Oh, it's ed, I just think what
fred did was pretty damn funny.
Oh, let me guess who this is.
Fred did was pretty damn funny.
Oh, let me guess who this is.
Jed?
Oh, let me guess who this is.
Jed?
No, my name julio!
Jed?
No, my name julio!
Julio the bus driver! Iay, ay!
No, my name julio!
Julio the bus driver! Iay, ay!
Now we're cooking
Julio the bus driver! Iay, ay!
Now we're cooking
with evil gas.
Now we're cooking
with evil gas.
Tell me, julio, how long have
With evil gas.
Tell me, julio, how long have
you been around?
Tell me, julio, how long have
you been around?
No, it's still me -- fred.
You been around?
No, it's still me -- fred.
God, you're gullible.
No, it's still me -- fred.
God, you're gullible.
Enough of this farce.
God, you're gullible.
Enough of this farce.
Hecubus, awaken.
Enough of this farce.
Hecubus, awaken.
Master, where have I been?
Hecubus, awaken.
Master, where have I been?
Oh, shut up.
Master, where have I been?
Oh, shut up.
I hope this evening's
Oh, shut up.
I hope this evening's
presentation has taught you all
I hope this evening's
presentation has taught you all
to value your flimsy grasp on
Presentation has taught you all
to value your flimsy grasp on
sanity.
To value your flimsy grasp on
sanity.
At any given moment, any one of
Sanity.
At any given moment, any one of
you can snap!
At any given moment, any one of
you can snap!
Oh, yo, ed here.
You can snap!
Oh, yo, ed here.
Jeez, you know, these tights
Oh, yo, ed here.
Jeez, you know, these tights
really bind at the crotch.
Jeez, you know, these tights
really bind at the crotch.
So from all of us in the
Really bind at the crotch.
So from all of us in the
snake pit, good night.
So from all of us in the
snake pit, good night.
And please remember to floss.
Snake pit, good night.
And please remember to floss.
Where did you go to acting
And please remember to floss.
Where did you go to acting
school?
Where did you go to acting
school?
You talking to ed? Ted?
School?
You talking to ed? Ted?
Who? What?
All right, okay, here we go!
All right, okay, here we go!
[ Laughing ]
All right, okay, here we go!
[ Laughing ]
okay, you take the guy with
[ Laughing ]
okay, you take the guy with
the marketing degree from
Okay, you take the guy with
the marketing degree from
dalhousie university, and I'll
The marketing degree from
dalhousie university, and I'll
take the woolworth's manager
Dalhousie university, and I'll
take the woolworth's manager
from truro, nova scotia, who
Take the woolworth's manager
from truro, nova scotia, who
once scored six goals in
From truro, nova scotia, who
once scored six goals in
a peewee hockey tournament.
Once scored six goals in
a peewee hockey tournament.
Okay!
A peewee hockey tournament.
Okay!
Which is which?
Okay!
Which is which?
Oh, man, if you don't do your
Which is which?
Oh, man, if you don't do your
research, how do you expect to
Oh, man, if you don't do your
research, how do you expect to
get the jump on these guys?
Research, how do you expect to
get the jump on these guys?
Sorry.
Get the jump on these guys?
Sorry.
All right,
Sorry.
All right,
I'll introduce you.
All right,
I'll introduce you.
Hi, may I introduce you to my
I'll introduce you.
Hi, may I introduce you to my
friend here...
This color's perfect for this
This color's perfect for this
apartment.
This color's perfect for this
apartment.
You know, this apartment is
Apartment.
You know, this apartment is
perfect for us.
You know, this apartment is
perfect for us.
And we're perfect for each
Perfect for us.
And we're perfect for each
other, don't you think?
And we're perfect for each
other, don't you think?
Yeah, sure.
Other, don't you think?
Yeah, sure.
Our new apartment, let's make
Yeah, sure.
Our new apartment, let's make
love in it right now.
Nah, let's finish painting.
Nah, let's finish painting.
Okay.
Nah, let's finish painting.
Okay.
Are you having an affair?
Okay.
Are you having an affair?
No, I'm not having an affair.
Are you having an affair?
No, I'm not having an affair.
Of course you're not having
No, I'm not having an affair.
Of course you're not having
an affair.
Of course you're not having
an affair.
Why do you ask?
An affair.
Why do you ask?
Why do I ask?
Why do you ask?
Why do I ask?
Well, I mean, I'd want to know,
Why do I ask?
Well, I mean, I'd want to know,
I mean, I'd have to do
Well, I mean, I'd want to know,
I mean, I'd have to do
something.
I mean, I'd have to do
something.
Oh, yeah, what would you do?
Something.
Oh, yeah, what would you do?
I'd move out.
Oh, yeah, what would you do?
I'd move out.
Oh, move out, yeah, that'd be
I'd move out.
Oh, move out, yeah, that'd be
too bad.
Oh, move out, yeah, that'd be
too bad.
Listen, you have to promise
Too bad.
Listen, you have to promise
to tell me if you're cheating on
Listen, you have to promise
to tell me if you're cheating on
me, all right?
To tell me if you're cheating on
me, all right?
No.
Me, all right?
No.
No?
No.
No?
Listen, you have to promise to
No?
Listen, you have to promise to
tell me, all right?
Listen, you have to promise to
tell me, all right?
All right, I promise.
Tell me, all right?
All right, I promise.
So you'll tell me if you meet
All right, I promise.
So you'll tell me if you meet
another woman?
So you'll tell me if you meet
another woman?
Well, in all truth,
Another woman?
Well, in all truth,
probably not.
Well, in all truth,
probably not.
Are you seeing someone now?
Probably not.
Are you seeing someone now?
No, I'm not seeing
Are you seeing someone now?
No, I'm not seeing
anyone now.
No, I'm not seeing
anyone now.
But you could be lying.
Anyone now.
But you could be lying.
Oh, god, yes,
But you could be lying.
Oh, god, yes,
I could be lying.
Oh, god, yes,
I could be lying.
But I'm not, I swear.
I could be lying.
But I'm not, I swear.
But you would swear if you
But I'm not, I swear.
But you would swear if you
were seeing someone.
But you would swear if you
were seeing someone.
Oh, god, yeah, even harder.
Were seeing someone.
Oh, god, yeah, even harder.
Even harder than when?
Oh, god, yeah, even harder.
Even harder than when?
Well, even harder than
Even harder than when?
Well, even harder than
normal.
Well, even harder than
normal.
Normal? What's normal
Normal.
Normal? What's normal
swearing for you?
Normal? What's normal
swearing for you?
Uh, god, uh...
Swearing for you?
Uh, god, uh...
Swear that you love me.
Uh, god, uh...
Swear that you love me.
Ooh, bad choice, I could be
Swear that you love me.
Ooh, bad choice, I could be
going through the motions there,
Ooh, bad choice, I could be
going through the motions there,
too, honey.
Going through the motions there,
too, honey.
Well, did you take out the
Too, honey.
Well, did you take out the
garbage this morning?
Well, did you take out the
garbage this morning?
Yeah.
Garbage this morning?
Yeah.
Then swear it.
Yeah.
Then swear it.
No, go look out the window.
Then swear it.
No, go look out the window.
I'm not going to swear about
No, go look out the window.
I'm not going to swear about
taking out the garbage.
I'm not going to swear about
taking out the garbage.
Kids swear about taking out
Taking out the garbage.
Kids swear about taking out
the garbage.
Kids swear about taking out
the garbage.
[ Baby talk ] you could tell
The garbage.
[ Baby talk ] you could tell
me, I wouldn't mind.
[ Baby talk ] you could tell
me, I wouldn't mind.
Yes, you would.
Me, I wouldn't mind.
Yes, you would.
Well, wouldn't you want me to
Yes, you would.
Well, wouldn't you want me to
tell you if I was having
Well, wouldn't you want me to
tell you if I was having
an affair?
Tell you if I was having
an affair?
Nope, your business.
An affair?
Nope, your business.
Well, I'm having an affair!
Nope, your business.
Well, I'm having an affair!
No, you're not.
Well, I'm having an affair!
No, you're not.
Well, I could be, I'm quite
No, you're not.
Well, I could be, I'm quite
attractive.
Well, I could be, I'm quite
attractive.
Yes, of course you are.
Attractive.
Yes, of course you are.
But you're just not the type.
Yes, of course you are.
But you're just not the type.
Well, I think you're having
But you're just not the type.
Well, I think you're having
an affair, and I'm going to
Well, I think you're having
an affair, and I'm going to
treat you accordingly.
An affair, and I'm going to
treat you accordingly.
Wait, wait a minute, come on,
Treat you accordingly.
Wait, wait a minute, come on,
look, I am not having an affair.
Wait, wait a minute, come on,
look, I am not having an affair.
Or at least I'm innocent until
Look, I am not having an affair.
Or at least I'm innocent until
proven guilty.
Or at least I'm innocent until
proven guilty.
Come on, that's in
Proven guilty.
Come on, that's in
the charter of rights.
Come on, that's in
the charter of rights.
Honor the constitution, baby.
The charter of rights.
Honor the constitution, baby.
Honor the flag that hangs in our
Honor the constitution, baby.
Honor the flag that hangs in our
bedroom window as temporary
Honor the flag that hangs in our
bedroom window as temporary
curtains.
Bedroom window as temporary
curtains.
Bastard.
Curtains.
Bastard.
Eh, you can sulk if you
Bastard.
Eh, you can sulk if you
want to, but you got no case.
Eh, you can sulk if you
want to, but you got no case.
You got no lipstick, you got no
Want to, but you got no case.
You got no lipstick, you got no
bra, you got no concrete or
You got no lipstick, you got no
bra, you got no concrete or
circumstantial evidence.
Bra, you got no concrete or
circumstantial evidence.
Habeas corpus, baby, you got
Circumstantial evidence.
Habeas corpus, baby, you got
no body, you got no case.
Habeas corpus, baby, you got
no body, you got no case.
Let me see your wallet.
No body, you got no case.
Let me see your wallet.
What?
Let me see your wallet.
What?
Let me see your wallet, I'd
What?
Let me see your wallet, I'd
kind of like to look through it.
Let me see your wallet, I'd
kind of like to look through it.
No.
[ Knocking ]
[ Knocking ]
baby, come on...
[ Guitar plays ]
[ Guitar plays ]
it's so sad, people and their
[ Guitar plays ]
it's so sad, people and their
sandwiches.
It's so sad, people and their
sandwiches.
People looking forward to eating
Sandwiches.
People looking forward to eating
their sandwiches.
People looking forward to eating
their sandwiches.
You know, they'll be working or
Their sandwiches.
You know, they'll be working or
doing something really stupid
You know, they'll be working or
doing something really stupid
like polishing their furniture,
Doing something really stupid
like polishing their furniture,
and they'll say, "oh, things
Like polishing their furniture,
and they'll say, "oh, things
aren't so bad, at least I got
And they'll say, "oh, things
aren't so bad, at least I got
that sandwich
Aren't so bad, at least I got
that sandwich
to look forward to!"
That sandwich
to look forward to!"
And then around noon or maybe
To look forward to!"
And then around noon or maybe
a.m., They'll take out
And then around noon or maybe
a.m., They'll take out
their sandwich, and take little
A.m., They'll take out
their sandwich, and take little
tiny bites of that thing and
Their sandwich, and take little
tiny bites of that thing and
think about little tiny pieces
Tiny bites of that thing and
think about little tiny pieces
of change that would make them
Think about little tiny pieces
of change that would make them
happy.
Of change that would make them
happy.
You know, if they could only
Happy.
You know, if they could only
lose four or five pounds.
You know, if they could only
lose four or five pounds.
If the movie they'd seen the
Lose four or five pounds.
If the movie they'd seen the
night before could only be
If the movie they'd seen the
night before could only be
slightly better.
Night before could only be
slightly better.
They don't ask much,
Slightly better.
They don't ask much,
the sandwich people.
They don't ask much,
the sandwich people.
Sad as snake snot.
The sandwich people.
Sad as snake snot.
The only thing sadder than the
Sad as snake snot.
The only thing sadder than the
sandwich people are the poo
The only thing sadder than the
sandwich people are the poo
people.
Sandwich people are the poo
people.
You know, the poo people --
People.
You know, the poo people --
adults who sleep alone every
You know, the poo people --
adults who sleep alone every
night, but every day you see 'em
Adults who sleep alone every
night, but every day you see 'em
walking their three-pound dogs.
Night, but every day you see 'em
walking their three-pound dogs.
If it were a fish,
Walking their three-pound dogs.
If it were a fish,
you'd throw it back!
If it were a fish,
you'd throw it back!
But they love it,
You'd throw it back!
But they love it,
and they walk it.
But they love it,
and they walk it.
They walk it with little plastic
And they walk it.
They walk it with little plastic
bags on their hands.
They walk it with little plastic
bags on their hands.
Waitin' for their little
Bags on their hands.
Waitin' for their little
three-pounder to have his poo.
Waitin' for their little
three-pounder to have his poo.
And when he does,
Three-pounder to have his poo.
And when he does,
they pick it up.
And when he does,
they pick it up.
And feel that heat
They pick it up.
And feel that heat
in their hands.
And feel that heat
in their hands.
As if to say to themselves,
In their hands.
As if to say to themselves,
"I am alive!"
As if to say to themselves,
"I am alive!"
The only thing sadder than the
"I am alive!"
The only thing sadder than the
poo people are the happy
The only thing sadder than the
poo people are the happy
people.
Poo people are the happy
people.
Yeah, the happy people,
People.
Yeah, the happy people,
you know, sitting in their cars,
Yeah, the happy people,
you know, sitting in their cars,
smiling at police, keeping their
You know, sitting in their cars,
smiling at police, keeping their
change in their wallets,
Smiling at police, keeping their
change in their wallets,
remembering people's birthdays,
Change in their wallets,
remembering people's birthdays,
pleased as punch they didn't get
Remembering people's birthdays,
pleased as punch they didn't get
m*rder*d.
Pleased as punch they didn't get
m*rder*d.
Sad, sad, sad are the happy
m*rder*d.
Sad, sad, sad are the happy
people.
Sad, sad, sad are the happy
people.
I guess the only thing sadder
People.
I guess the only thing sadder
than the happy people are
I guess the only thing sadder
than the happy people are
the village people.
Than the happy people are
the village people.
Yes, the village people are the
The village people.
Yes, the village people are the
very saddest of all.
Yes, the village people are the
very saddest of all.
They can't believe they wrote
Very saddest of all.
They can't believe they wrote
that song about the ymca.
They can't believe they wrote
that song about the ymca.
They've never been to the ymca.
That song about the ymca.
They've never been to the ymca.
That cowboy doesn't want to be
They've never been to the ymca.
That cowboy doesn't want to be
a cowboy anymore.
That cowboy doesn't want to be
a cowboy anymore.
He wants to be a grownup!
A cowboy anymore.
He wants to be a grownup!
Right now he's in some town,
He wants to be a grownup!
Right now he's in some town,
doing bizarre choreographed
Right now he's in some town,
doing bizarre choreographed
moves, thinkin' to himself,
Doing bizarre choreographed
moves, thinkin' to himself,
"well, at least I got that
Moves, thinkin' to himself,
"well, at least I got that
sandwich to look forward to!"
Now, june was an absolutely
Now, june was an absolutely
perfect month for the ontario
Now, june was an absolutely
perfect month for the ontario
dental association.
Perfect month for the ontario
dental association.
And in july we faced a %
Dental association.
And in july we faced a %
drop-off in all sales.
And in july we faced a %
drop-off in all sales.
Again, if I hadn't forgotten
Drop-off in all sales.
Again, if I hadn't forgotten
my chart, the graph would look
Again, if I hadn't forgotten
my chart, the graph would look
something like this.
My chart, the graph would look
something like this.
Then in august we experienced
Something like this.
Then in august we experienced
a slight upswing.
Then in august we experienced
a slight upswing.
Now, if you reverse the chart...
A slight upswing.
Now, if you reverse the chart...
Ooh! Oh!
Now, if you reverse the chart...
Ooh! Oh!
Ooh! Uh!
Ooh! Oh!
Ooh! Uh!
Contact lenses, they're hurting.
Ooh! Uh!
Contact lenses, they're hurting.
Uh! Ooh!
Contact lenses, they're hurting.
Uh! Ooh!
So as we can see, the chart's
Uh! Ooh!
So as we can see, the chart's
doing double duty.
So as we can see, the chart's
doing double duty.
What did my mother always say
Doing double duty.
What did my mother always say
about taking care of my eyes?
Woman: well, first of all,
Woman: well, first of all,
never put salt in your eyes.
Woman: well, first of all,
never put salt in your eyes.
Never put -- never put salt --
Never put salt in your eyes.
Never put -- never put salt --
put salt -- p-p-put salt --
Never put -- never put salt --
put salt -- p-p-put salt --
never put --
Put salt -- p-p-put salt --
never put --
always put salt in your eyes.
[ Screaming ]
Hammy, never, ever put
Hammy, never, ever put
salt in your eyes.
Hammy, never, ever put
salt in your eyes.
Thanks, danny.
Salt in your eyes.
Thanks, danny.
Oh, the pain!
Thanks, danny.
Oh, the pain!
Oh, the pain!
In january,
In january,
our profits went up --
In january,
our profits went up --
or down, depending on which
Our profits went up --
or down, depending on which
chart is right.
Or down, depending on which
chart is right.
We're not sure.
Chart is right.
We're not sure.
Now, february was a very
We're not sure.
Now, february was a very
different month, 'cause as you
Now, february was a very
different month, 'cause as you
recall, we took it off.
Different month, 'cause as you
recall, we took it off.
Ooh! Oh!
Recall, we took it off.
Ooh! Oh!
I don't know what you people
Ooh! Oh!
I don't know what you people
did, but my wife and I took
I don't know what you people
did, but my wife and I took
a lovely second honeymoon
Did, but my wife and I took
a lovely second honeymoon
to antigua.
A lovely second honeymoon
to antigua.
Contact lenses
To antigua.
Contact lenses
acting up again.
Contact lenses
acting up again.
Eyes in great pain.
Acting up again.
Eyes in great pain.
What did danny say about my eyes
Eyes in great pain.
What did danny say about my eyes
yesterday?
What did danny say about my eyes
yesterday?
Danny: never put salt in your
Yesterday?
Danny: never put salt in your
eyes -- never --
Danny: never put salt in your
eyes -- never --
never put salt in your eyes --
Eyes -- never --
never put salt in your eyes --
put salt in your eyes.
Never put salt in your eyes --
put salt in your eyes.
Always put salt in your eyes.
Put salt in your eyes.
Always put salt in your eyes.
So there's no chart.
Always put salt in your eyes.
So there's no chart.
In march, however --
So there's no chart.
In march, however --
[ groaning ]
My eyes, ohh.
My eyes, ohh.
Ooh, my eyes.
Danny, I'm k*lling my eyes.
So, if you look very closely,
So, if you look very closely,
you'll notice that our profits
Are once again going up.
Are once again going up.
Of course, again I apologize for
Are once again going up.
Of course, again I apologize for
the printing error.
Of course, again I apologize for
the printing error.
It's completely my fault.
The printing error.
It's completely my fault.
Oh! Ohh!
It's completely my fault.
Oh! Ohh!
Not again!
Oh! Ohh!
Not again!
What did I figure out yesterday?
There is a school of thought
There is a school of thought
that fluoridation causes
There is a school of thought
that fluoridation causes
mental retardation...
Danny, I'm k*lling my eyes.
Danny, I'm k*lling my eyes.
k*lling my danny.
Danny, I'm k*lling my eyes.
k*lling my danny.
k*ll my danny.
k*lling my danny.
k*ll my danny.
k*ll danny.
k*ll my danny.
k*ll danny.
[ Screaming ]
Hey, hammy, never put salt
Hey, hammy, never put salt
in your eyes!
Hey, hammy, never put salt
in your eyes!
[ Screaming ]
Hey, kyle, how's it going?
Hey, kyle, how's it going?
Bower, what are you doing in
Hey, kyle, how's it going?
Bower, what are you doing in
my house?
Bower, what are you doing in
my house?
Oh, I helped your mom carry
My house?
Oh, I helped your mom carry
home her groceries.
Oh, I helped your mom carry
home her groceries.
Oh, sorry about my mom
Home her groceries.
Oh, sorry about my mom
snagging you like that.
Oh, sorry about my mom
snagging you like that.
You want some of my dad's
Snagging you like that.
You want some of my dad's
homemade beer?
You want some of my dad's
homemade beer?
No, no, I'm cool, your mom
Homemade beer?
No, no, I'm cool, your mom
already fixed me a shandy.
No, no, I'm cool, your mom
already fixed me a shandy.
Wow, a shandy,
Already fixed me a shandy.
Wow, a shandy,
how embarrassing.
Wow, a shandy,
how embarrassing.
No, actually it was very
How embarrassing.
No, actually it was very
refreshing.
No, actually it was very
refreshing.
It's just, you know, what you
Refreshing.
It's just, you know, what you
need for the middle of the day
It's just, you know, what you
need for the middle of the day
when you feel like a beer
Need for the middle of the day
when you feel like a beer
but you don't want to get
When you feel like a beer
but you don't want to get
too buzzed.
But you don't want to get
too buzzed.
You know, your mother is a very
Too buzzed.
You know, your mother is a very
intriguing woman.
You know, your mother is a very
intriguing woman.
Wow, how many shandies did
Intriguing woman.
Wow, how many shandies did
you have?
Wow, how many shandies did
you have?
No, no, seriously, she has
You have?
No, no, seriously, she has
lived a very incredible life.
No, no, seriously, she has
lived a very incredible life.
Yeah, for example, I never knew
Lived a very incredible life.
Yeah, for example, I never knew
she used to be in the underwater
Yeah, for example, I never knew
she used to be in the underwater
ballet.
She used to be in the underwater
ballet.
What?
Ballet.
What?
Yeah, your mom, she used to
What?
Yeah, your mom, she used to
be the lead mermaid.
Yeah, your mom, she used to
be the lead mermaid.
Wow, that must have been a
Be the lead mermaid.
Wow, that must have been a
sight, eh?
Wow, that must have been a
sight, eh?
Your mom sitting on a rock,
Sight, eh?
Your mom sitting on a rock,
luring seamen to their watery
Your mom sitting on a rock,
luring seamen to their watery
graves.
Luring seamen to their watery
graves.
Hey, kyle, I got a chub on!
Graves.
Hey, kyle, I got a chub on!
Bower!
Hey, kyle, I got a chub on!
Bower!
What?
Bower!
What?
Do I have to remind you that
What?
Do I have to remind you that
you're talking about my mother,
Do I have to remind you that
you're talking about my mother,
the woman who brought me into
You're talking about my mother,
the woman who brought me into
this world and who I blame for
The woman who brought me into
this world and who I blame for
all my problems?
This world and who I blame for
all my problems?
Oh, hi, kyle, I didn't hear
All my problems?
Oh, hi, kyle, I didn't hear
you come in.
Oh, hi, kyle, I didn't hear
you come in.
Bower, I'm just going to go jump
You come in.
Bower, I'm just going to go jump
in the shower and wash the oil
Bower, I'm just going to go jump
in the shower and wash the oil
off my body.
In the shower and wash the oil
off my body.
My back feels terrific.
Off my body.
My back feels terrific.
♪ Here's to you ♪
My back feels terrific.
♪ Here's to you ♪
♪ mrs. Robinson ♪
♪ Here's to you ♪
♪ mrs. Robinson ♪
kyle confused, bower explain.
♪ Mrs. Robinson ♪
kyle confused, bower explain.
Come on, would you chill?
Kyle confused, bower explain.
Come on, would you chill?
Chill out, kyle, okay?
Come on, would you chill?
Chill out, kyle, okay?
Look, I gave your mom a massage,
Chill out, kyle, okay?
Look, I gave your mom a massage,
all right?
Look, I gave your mom a massage,
all right?
I am a trained shiatsu
All right?
I am a trained shiatsu
therapist.
I am a trained shiatsu
therapist.
You know what, I don't think you
Therapist.
You know what, I don't think you
take your mom seriously.
You know what, I don't think you
take your mom seriously.
I don't think you're doing
Take your mom seriously.
I don't think you're doing
enough to help out around here,
I don't think you're doing
enough to help out around here,
little man.
Enough to help out around here,
little man.
Hey, you're not my old man.
Little man.
Hey, you're not my old man.
Not yet.
Hey, you're not my old man.
Not yet.
What did you --
Not yet.
What did you --
what did you say?
What did you --
what did you say?
Nothing, I was just thinking
What did you say?
Nothing, I was just thinking
out loud, it's easier that way.
Nothing, I was just thinking
out loud, it's easier that way.
Yeah, well, if my dad heard
Out loud, it's easier that way.
Yeah, well, if my dad heard
what you were thinking, he'd
Yeah, well, if my dad heard
what you were thinking, he'd
k*ll you.
What you were thinking, he'd
k*ll you.
Your dad will be dead of
k*ll you.
Your dad will be dead of
a heart att*ck in six months.
Your dad will be dead of
a heart att*ck in six months.
Besides, from what judy
A heart att*ck in six months.
Besides, from what judy
tells me, your dad isn't very
Besides, from what judy
tells me, your dad isn't very
attentive to her needs.
Tells me, your dad isn't very
attentive to her needs.
Anyway, I got to motor.
Attentive to her needs.
Anyway, I got to motor.
I'm doing my taxes.
Anyway, I got to motor.
I'm doing my taxes.
I've almost figured out a way to
I'm doing my taxes.
I've almost figured out a way to
deduct pot.
I've almost figured out a way to
deduct pot.
I'm going to take this garbage
Deduct pot.
I'm going to take this garbage
out on my way out, okay?
I'm going to take this garbage
out on my way out, okay?
Hey!
Out on my way out, okay?
Hey!
What?
Hey!
What?
I take the garbage out around
What?
I take the garbage out around
here, mister.
I take the garbage out around
here, mister.
Okay, peace.
Oh, where's bower?
Oh, where's bower?
He left.
Oh, where's bower?
He left.
That bower is such
He left.
That bower is such
a handsome boy.
That bower is such
a handsome boy.
He is not, he's a dog.
A handsome boy.
He is not, he's a dog.
Yeah, you're right, a big
He is not, he's a dog.
Yeah, you're right, a big
golden collie.
Yeah, you're right, a big
golden collie.
A big, cuddly, attentive collie.
Golden collie.
A big, cuddly, attentive collie.
Would you mind taking that
A big, cuddly, attentive collie.
Would you mind taking that
garbage out, kyle?
Would you mind taking that
garbage out, kyle?
Yeah, yeah, later,
Garbage out, kyle?
Yeah, yeah, later,
get off my back.
Yeah, yeah, later,
get off my back.
Oh, look, "in praise of older
Get off my back.
Oh, look, "in praise of older
women" is on.
Oh, look, "in praise of older
women" is on.
Taking out the garbage now,
Women" is on.
Taking out the garbage now,
mom!
04x04 - Episode 4
Watch/Buy Amazon
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.