02x01 - Impossible Birds

[bunniefuu]

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

Izzy, wait!

(WHISPERS) I've never repaid you.

Repaid me for what?

- (Kn*fe SLICES)

- (IZZY GROANS)

For selling us out to the English.

- (IZZY GROANS)

- (BODY THUDS)

♪♪

I never made you leave him.

You did that yourself.

- (STEDE YELLS)

- (IZZY GROANS)

(EPIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(GURGLING GROAN)

(YELLS) Where is he? Where's Ed?

(BODY THUDS)

You absolute

(ELONGATED) twat.

MAN (SHOUTS): Stede!

(SHOUTS) Ed!

Stede!

Ed!

("I LOVE MY BABY"

BY NINA SIMONE PLAYING)

- I love my baby ♪

- Stede!

- I've loved him ♪

- Stede!

So long ♪

- Ed!

- (BOTH GRUNT)

- (BOTH LAUGH)

- I love ♪

Knew you'd find me, babe.

You're not mad?

I knew you'd find me, love.

So, we're good about everything?

f*ckin' love the beard, mate.

I'm just trying something new.

♪♪

- (FLATULENCE)

- Ooh, bro. Is that you?

- No! Oh, God! No!

- (FLATULENCE CONTINUES)

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

(FLATULENCE)

- (FLIES BUZZING)

- Oh, Christ! Wee John!

- Can you shut it, man?

- STEDE BONNET: He farted on me.

- (ALL SHOUTING)

- Shut up!

- Shut up, man.

- Enough.

I-It's still there.

It's a wall of stench.

BLACK PETE: Can't be

worse than you moaning,

- "Ed, oh, Ed" all night long.

- ROACH: Mm-hmm.

Shut up.

- (FLATULENCE)

- Oh, he's done it again!

- Oh, God!

- (INDISTINCT YELLING)

- Shut it, man.

- ROACH: Shh!

STEDE: You're making

more noise with your shushing

than I am with my complaining

about almost dying from his farts!

- (SHUSHING)

- (RAT SQUEAKS)

STEDE: "Dear Ed,

the crew and I are safe,

"and thriving.

"As I've renounced my wealth,

"we've been forced to

take up temporary residence

"on the Republic of Pirates.

"Fortunately, we've been able to work

a few of Oluwande's connections."

Basically, the long and short of it is

w-we're looking for work, and

maybe, maybe a place to sleep?

Isn't that the dude

who broke my nose jar?

Um yes. Hi.

- Again, apologies for that.

- Who's Blondie?

- (WHISPERS) Oh, it's you.

- OLUWANDE: That's, that's The Swede.

I'm The Swede.

He's single.

Come on over here, baby.

Don't be shy. Come here.

- PIRATES: Go.

- It's okay.

Be brave.

Turn around for me.

Okay.

(SPANISH JACKIE CHUCKLES)

Aren't you the absolute unit?

(CHUCKLES) You guys

can sleep in the cellar.

- Start work in 20 minutes.

- (THE SWEDE GASPS)

- (PIRATES CHEER)

- Yes!

- Okay.

- SPANISH JACKIE: No, no, no, no, no.

Not you. Not you.

- (TAPS CHAIR)

- Have a seat.

- (SPANISH JACKIE CHUCKLES)

- (WHISPERS) Okay.

- OLUWANDE: See ya, mate.

- BLACK PETE: Thanks, Swede.

Scooch a little closer. Huh?

Spanish Jackie don't bite. (CHUCKLES)

(WHISPERS) I lied. I bite.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

- (PATRON 1 SCREAMS)

- (PATRON 2 LAUGHS)

Okay. Time to go.

Good evening.

Welcome to Spanish Jackie's.

- Reservation?

- Eat my f*ckin' sh*t.

Right. Walk-ins, then.

(GROWLS)

I've got a peach of a

table for you. Follow me.

- My favorite hand!

- He started it.

I told you about the stabbings.

STEDE: "Guess you could say

"we're in a bit of a rebuilding phase

as a crew."

- ROACH: Order up!

- PATRON: This is for Mom!

- (GLASS BREAKS)

- Jesus! Nice Real mature.

STEDE: "We've really

come into our own"

Here ya go.

STEDE: "as a team."

How's that?

- f*ck you.

- Lovely.

Oh, sounding good, Buttons.

May we go back to the sea now, Captain?

Soon! We still need to save more cash.

"Morale is the highest it's ever been.

It's a golden age."

Hit me with something hard, Olu. Please.

Drinks aren't on the house.

You know that, right?

Oh, come on, please.

I'm happy to buy you a drink.

Oh, well, thank you.

Uh, Richard Banes.

M-My friends, they call me Ricky.

You're Stede Bonnet, aren't you?

I'm afraid I have no

idea what you're saying,

or who he is.

Ooh, I've been called away. Excuse me.

"To reiterate, we're doing great.

"Hope you are as well.

(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)

I think of you often."

IZZY HANDS: We're

approachin' the vessel, Captain.

STEDE: "Hope you're thinking of me

- (BLACKBEARD SIGHS)

- as well."

BLACKBEARD: 'Bout

f*ckin' time we got to that ship.

It's taken forever.

STEDE: "I know the odds

of this finding you are slim."

I will find you, Ed.

"But so were the odds of us

finding each other in the first place."

PRIEST: The natural condition

of humanity is base and vile.

It is the obligation of people of

standing, such as yourselves,

to elevate the common human rabble

through the sacred

transaction of matrimony.

If anyone objects to this union,

speak now or forever hold your peace.

- BLACKBEARD: Objection.

- (GUESTS GASP)

- (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

- What demon is this?

Demon?

I'm the f*ckin' Devil.

("STRAWBERRY LETTER 23"

BY SHUGGIE OTIS PLAYING)

And these are the kids.

(YELLS) Guards!

(CREW SHOUTING)

- (SWORDS CLANGING)

- Hello my love ♪

I heard a kiss from you ♪

Red magic satin playing near, too ♪

All through the morning rain I gaze ♪

- (FRENCHIE HOWLS)

- The sun doesn't shine ♪

Rainbows and waterfalls ♪

- Run through my mind ♪

- (FANG GRUNTS)

In the garden, I see ♪

West purple shower bells and tea ♪

Orange birds and river cousins ♪

Dressed in green ♪

- Pretty music, I hear ♪

- (ROYAL CREW MEMBER YELLS)

So happy and loud ♪

- (FANG YELLS)

- Blue flowers echo ♪

(SILENCE)

(FLIES BUZZING)

(SNIFFS)

(DEEP BREATH)

Is it just me or was the

wedding thing a bit over the line?

Um, (SIGHS) I don't know.

I've never really been

to a wedding before,

so (CHUCKLES) got nothing

to compare it to, really.

FANG: I've never seen

Blackbeard like this.

He didn't even bat a

eye when Ivan got k*lled.

Cake's bang on though, right?

Fabulous. Very good.

Ya know, in my opinion.

(SNIFFLES) I mean,

buttercream isn't everyone's

thing though, is it?

How are you handling all this so well?

Ah Well, see, I have a system

for dealing with all the

terrible things I've seen.

There's a box in my mind,

and I put the things in

the box, I lock the box.

And then I don't open it again.

Works like a charm.

- (FANG SOBBING)

- FRENCHIE: Oh.

Dear, oh, dear.

You gonna, you gonna finish that cake?

- No?

- (SOBBING)

(UNSETTLING MUSIC PLAYING)

- (BIRDS CAWING)

- (GOATS BLEATING)

(SIGHS) They may as well

draw horns on his head.

He can't possibly look like this.

He's been busy, though, ain't he?

Oof! I've never seen one of these

- with writin' on the back.

- Oh, he's just blowing off some steam.

Susan! Two soups, please.

Hey, Suze.

Look, Captain, you know

we're never gonna save enough

to get the kinda ship you're after.

Well, not with that attitude, we won't.

Sue, if you thought that way,

would you have this

wonderful soup kiosk?

Yeah, I probably would.

Sue had tenacity and grit.

SUSAN: I also k*lled

someone and stole their kiosk.

Sometimes action is better than vision.

See, that's what I've been tellin' him.

- That's 'cause you're the smart one.

- (STEDE SIGHS)

- Oh.

- Well, we can't turn up with any old ship.

We need to look good.

Are you stalling 'cause you think

Blackbeard's gonna m*rder you?

What? No. Why would he do that?

'Cause he's a f*cking madman.

- And you dumped him.

- I didn't dump him.

- OLUWANDE: You dumped him.

- (LAUGHS) He dumped you.

- (SUSAN CHUCKLES)

- No. We're on a break.

Ha! A break. Give me a break.

Look, I don't care what any of you say.

He's actually a good guy.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

IZZY: The crew are

lookin' a tad worse for wear.

BLACKBEARD: Did everyone get cake?

Yeah, they got cake.

Well, they're, they're welcome

to have some rhino horn.

Just ground up a fresh batch.

(SNIFFS) Oh, f*ck!

- You want some?

- No, not right now, no.

Well, then get back to

work, ya f*ckin' lightweight!

Can't do the job, someone else will.

Right! Get it all up on deck!

FRENCHIE: So, we gonna divvy

this all up and take our cut then?

No, we're gonna throw it overboard.

We've taken on too much plunder.

We need to dump some to catch up

to our next target.

You want us to throw this treasure away

so we can steal more treasure?

Yeah, that definitely

makes no sense, man.

It is not your place to tell me

what does or does not make sense.

It is your job to f

to follow my f*cking orders!

How you doing, Izzy? Eh?

I'm fine. Unhand me. Unhand me.

Y-You really don't seem fine.

Y-Yeah, we think you're in an unhealthy

relationship with Blackbeard.

Oh yeah. Yeah, that guy

does a lot of rhino horn.

Yeah, and he's cut off at least

two more of your toes, hasn't he?

- It all seems fairly toxic to me, mate.

- (WEEPING BREATHS)

- (IZZY SNORTS)

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Izz.

- Hey, Izz.

- (IZZY GROANS)

- Shh, it's alright.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Shh. It's alright. It's alright.

- (IZZY WHIMPERS)

- Am, am I crushing you?

- There we are. Shh.

- (IZZY WHIMPERS)

It's alright. Alright, there.

Hey, um, (SIGHS) guys.

I don't want to alarm anyone,

but have you seen the jar?

- Our savings jar?

- Yeah.

- No.

- (COINS RATTLING)

SPANISH JACKIE: This jar right here?

I see y'all been holdin' out on me.

Jackie, that is our money. We earned it.

(SCOFFS) You know, I had y'all

on the broke m*therf*cker plan.

I think I'm gonna upgrade you

to the triflin' ingrate plan.

- There's a lot of fees.

- A whole lot of fees. Room and board.

- (COINS RATTLING)

- Oh.

And I do believe they

have the Vista Suite.

- Vista Suite?

- The room with the window.

- (COINS RATTLING)

- (SCOFFS) Oh.

Semi-clean water.

- (COINS RATTLING)

- Come on.

Can you think of

anything else, boo cakes?

Ongoing job training and education?

- Absolutely. (LAUGHS)

- Come on!

Swede!

Look like you owe me.

Oh, yeah? Well, what

if we took that back?

I think my husbands would

have a problem with that.

(HUSBAND 1 CLEARS THROAT)

Have ya met all 20 of 'em?

(HUSBAND 2 CLEARS THROAT)

That's a lotta husbands.

I know that guy. We

had breakfast together.

You will be havin' a lot

of breakfasts-es together.

Oh, okay.

You know, a change of

scenery could be good.

We were stagnating there anyway.

So, you're suggesting

that we live under a bridge?

How am I supposed to cook here?

- (STEDE SIGHS)

- At least we got a roof.

- Lots of air.

- (THUNDER CRACKS)

- ROACH: Ah!

- WEE JOHN: Oh, sh*t.

Oh, look. Running water.

- (RAIN FALLING)

- STEDE: Dear Ed,

things are terrible.

I think I'm afraid to see you.

I'm not afraid you're gonna k*ll me.

I'm afraid that your,

your life is better without me.

(MIMICKING BLACKBEARD)

Could be. Could be, mate.

I know who you are.

Jesus! Can't you give

a man some privacy?

Please forgive me, but

I-I know everything about you.

- (STEDE SIGHS)

- All of your adventures.

- I'm sorry if that's a little bit creepy.

- You are creepy.

And whatever you're selling,

I don't wanna buy it.

But the Gentleman Pirate,

he saved my life!

Quite frankly you're my hero.

(CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

See, I, too, am a child of wealth.

I'm actually a minor prince.

And I was entertaining ending

it all when I heard about you.

You gave an odd bird

like me hope, Bonnet.

And I could have a life

of my own invention.

Okay, come on. Get out of the rain.

Look, the Republic

of Pirates isn't a game.

You'd do well to steer clear

of this place before ya get hurt.

- Hm.

- Especially Spanish Jackie's.

Oh! No, I've been barred from there.

Yeah, I was too nosy. (CHUCKLES)

- Hm.

- I made a little remark

about her Roman puzzle chest.

What? A Roman puzzle chest?

Yes. She had it brought through the bar.

And these rubes, they

don't know what one is,

but men of our standing,

we know a valuable when we see one.

Roman puzzle chest.

Okay. Jackie keeps the

trunk at the foot of her bed.

I don't even know what's inside,

but she says it's of great value.

How do we know we can trust you?

You're husband number 20, after all.

- Come on, man. He's The Swede.

- Oh, come on.

- Black Pete, come on.

- My time with Jackie

has been the happiest of my life.

Her love has helped me locate parts

of myself I didn't even know existed

and reclaim others

that I had long missed.

- Oh.

- THE SWEDE: But

I owe you a life debt

and I am bound to honor it.

- That's a friend.

- Life debt.

- OLUWANDE: Mm-hmm.

- Hear, hear.

- ROACH: Yep, yep.

- OLUWANDE: True.

You're a good man, Swede.

Thanks for this.

Would tonight work?

Yes, indeed.

Tonight is my turn to

perform the husbandly duties.

- So

- Okay.

IZZY: The crew are refusing

to part with any treasure.

BLACKBEARD: Why?

Because it's f*ckin' treasure.

Not good enough.

And that's another toe.

Take your boot off.

Who am I to you?

What?

We've worked together

for years. (SNIFFLES)

You know me better than

anyone has ever known me,

and I daresay the same

is true for me about you.

I have

- love for you, Edward.

- Oh, come on.

I'm worried about you. We all are.

The atmosphere on this ship

is completely poisoned.

But if we could all just maybe

talk it through.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

As a crew?

IZZY: Hang on. Ed! C-Captain!

At no point did I want to channel

- the former owner of this vessel.

- Hi, all.

Real quick I heard that you think

the vibe here on the ship is poisonous.

Eh? Care to elaborate? Anyone? Hm?

Jim, we'll start with you.

Is the vibe here poisonous?

- Nope.

- Huh? You?

Me-Me? Uh, no. No.

Fang, you've been here

the longest. Poisoned?

(FANG WHIMPERS)

No, I'm alright.

I know who we should

ask, ol' Blackbeard.

Hello, mate. You think the

vibe on the ship is poisoned?

Ooh, I don't know, Blackbeard.

Maybe a, a little bit toxic sometimes.

Maybe it's a bit uncomfortable.

You do make the crew a little bit

uncomfortable sometimes.

They think you're crazy.

Well, I'm not crazy. I don't feel crazy.

- I feel pretty f*cking good actually.

- (SHOUTS) f*cking end!

The atmosphere on this ship is f*cked.

Everyone knows why.

Well, I don't. Enlighten me.

Your feelings for Stede f*ckin' Bonnet.

(IZZY GROANS, WAILS)

- BLACKBEARD: Frenchie.

- Yes?

Congratulations, you are now first mate.

Oh. Uh, no. I don't, I

don't think I'm qualified.

'Course you are, mate.

You can start by cleaning up that mess.

And the rest of you, you throw

this sh*t overboard and get suited up.

- (IZZY GROANING)

- We got a record to break.

(SPANISH JACKIE MOANING)

- (THE SWEDE PANTING)

- Spanish Jackie (MUFFLED): Oh, my God.

Your back is really tight.

- (SPANISH JACKIE MOANS)

- Like, super tight.

SPANISH JACKIE: It's so good.

Don't stop.

- Okay.

- SPANISH JACKIE: More.

Maybe I'll get started

on the hamstrings?

SPANISH JACKIE:

Yes. f*ck those hammies up.

- Okay.

- SPANISH JACKIE: f*ck those hammies up.

(MOANS) How are you so good at this?

- (THE SWEDE GRUNTS)

- (SPANISH JACKIE MOANING)

- (SPANISH JACKIE MOANING)

- STEDE (WHISPERS): Come on.

Olu's meeting us at the docks.

- I can't believe how well this is going.

- Shh!

Stede, what on Earth's takin' so long?

Rick! You're supposed

to be on lookout duty.

Lookout?

No, this is where the action is.

What are you doing?

Oh, I am leaving my calling card.

Yes, it is called a Lime Ricky.

It's bit of an ornate aperitif,

but absolutely undeniable.

You're insane. We've gotta get going.

You see, this is where you went wrong

with the whole Gentleman Pirate thing.

Details like this are

important to build a brand.

So when people see this,

they know that they

have been robbed by the best.

You've been Rick'd.

The calf muscle is the most mysterious

- of all the muscles

- (BOTTLES CLINKING)

Shh, shh! Babe, shut the f*ck up.

Somebody f*ckin' with the bar.

- What?!

- Get up.

- Now?

- Get up! Yes!

I'll get the Kn*fe.

RICKY BANES: (LAUGHS) Ah!

Who are you?

You?! You robbed me?!

- Swede, Kn*fe.

- RICKY: Wait, wait!

Do you know who I am?

I'm a minor prince!

(LAUGHS) I guess I'm gon'

get a fancy-ass nose for my jar.

- (Kn*fe SLICES)

- (RICKY WAILS)

Okay. Where's the getaway dory?

Buttons went to get it.

Right. Uh, why is your face blue?

This is what we risked our lives for.

- Blue dirt!

- (STEDE GASPS)

No, this is indigo.

It's the finest dye.

It's worth a fortune.

That's right. Now give me

back my blue sh*t, Steve.

(GASPS) I can't believe

you guys robbed Jackie.

Wow. So bad.

Jackie, this is not what it looks like.

Depending on what

you think it looks like.

It looks like more noses for my jar.

- ROACH: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- SUSAN (SHOUTS): Wait!

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD MURMURING)

- Susan?

- What?

I'll buy it from you.

Ain't you that soup bitch?

I'm the money bitch.

(COINS RATTLE)

That enough?

(SCOFFS) Nah, soup

bitch. It actually is not.

- How 'bout double?

- (COINS RATTLE)

I want this lot as well.

- (CREW MURMURS)

- Ah.

Alright.

Sold.

- Get these assholes up outta here.

- PIRATE: Hey!

- Yeah, let's get outta

- Nah, nah, nah.

- Come back here.

- Okay.

Did you double-cross me?

- (PANICS) I-I owed a life debt.

- Ahh!

It's okay, sexy Dutchman.

Double-cross is my jam.

- So you're not mad?

- No. It's kinda hot.

- (SPANISH JACKIE CHUCKLES)

- THE SWEDE: Okay.

SPANISH JACKIE: We

work it out at the house.

Okay.

- (LOUD SPANK)

- Oh!

Let's go, husbands.

Can't believe you paid that much

for some blue dirt, Susan.

Please. This much indigo is worth

three times what I paid.

One thing I've learned

in my time here

you people know so little.

- Who are you? I mean

- Alright, come on. Let's move.

You work for her now.

Let's go. Let's go!

- ROACH: Okay.

- (GRUNTING)

- (CRACKS WHIP)

- Hurry up.

(FANG SOBBING)

(JIM SIGHS)

Stop crying.

I can't stop crying. He sh*t Izzy.

Wanna hear the story of the wooden boy?

(FANG WHIMPERS)

(INHALES) So, there once

was this boy, and Wait.

(SIGHS) Was it a puppet first?

Yeah, it was a puppet first.

And they wanted to be real,

like a human or whatever,

so they wished on a monkey's paw to

Uh, d-do, do the voice. (SHARP BREATH)

- (FANG BREATHES SHARPLY)

- (JIM SIGHS)

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Man, oh,

man, do I wish I were a real person.

(CHUCKLES)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(SNIFFLES) Do some more.

(GASPS) Oh, wow!

- (FANG GIGGLES)

- The-The monkey paw, it glows!

- FANG: (LAUGHS) That's good.

- (ARCHIE CHUCKLES)

FRENCHIE: Right. Uh

So, what's the plan, Captain?

Figured as first mate,

I should be doin' somethin'.

You know there's a bird

that never touches ground?

It's born in the air. Never once lands.

Spends its entire existence in the sky.

("PYGMY LOVE SONG"

BY FRANCIS BEBEY PLAYING)

Sounds like something that

maybe actually can't exist, Captain.

Never going back to land.

(SNIFFLES) Ah.

We're gonna sail rob

raise hell forever and ever

without end.

Sounds like a plan.

Dismissed.

♪♪

(SINGER VOCALIZING)

f*ck you, Stede Bonnet.

My heart, my heart is full of love ♪

Goodnight, Ed Teach.

We are return, my love. My ocean deep.

Never more shall we be parted.

So, are we in soup now or?

Oh, I'm totally down

for that. I love soup.

Same.

So you're not actually

a soup seller, are you?

Not exactly.

- OLUWANDE: So, who are you then?

- (CRACKS WHIP)

Avert your eyes.

You are in the presence

of Zheng Yi Sao, Pirate Queen!

(SINGER VOCALIZING)

♪♪

(VOCALIZING)

So then, the monkey's

paw started glowing.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)

"I pray to you, Dark Lord,

"to make me real flesh.

I want to be real flesh!"

(NORMAL) And then, the monkey paw goes,

(DEEP VOICE) "I will make you

- (LAUGHTER)

- the fleshy boy you desire."

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Oh,

wow! I'm starting to turn into flesh!

- It feels so soft!"

- (LAUGHING)