02x03 - The Innkeeper

[bunniefuu]

So, we won the raid?

I guess that was obvious.

Yeah, and who's the Captain?

He calls himself The Soul Reaper.

I'm not calling him that.

What's his real name?

Oh, it's John. John Bartholomew.

Hm, and how is John taking defeat?

Not very well.

He says he's gonna sh**t himself in the

In the head, but he wants to look me in the eye while he does it.

- Yeah.

- Is that common?

Embarrassingly so.

Hi, I'm Zheng Yi Sao. You're, uh, John?

You! You've bested me.

We will lock eyes as

I send myself to Hell!

Uh, no. I-I didn't best you.

Uh, that's the Captain.

You've bested me!

No, no, sorry, bruv.

Hi.

I know, it's been a day.

Culturally, this must

be very hard for you.

Anyway, go ahead

and blow your brains out,

but your last act on this planet

will be surrendering to a woman.

Or we could have drinks.

Champers?

I'm just trying to keep

my crew fed, ya know.

And, and maybe

make a few bucks on the side.

Sure, but they won't let you.

The Spanish, the Dutch,

the f*ckin' English!

f*ck them.

Everyone is cracking

down on the little guy.

Like, hello? How's a pirate

supposed to make a living?

She's incredible.

She's got him eating out

of the palm of her hand.

speak for everyone,

but I didn't get into

this business to fight

other pirates. Did you?

No, no, no, no.

I mean, I'll do it, but

Oh.

What if we could all work together,

support each other, and, uh,

I don't know, be, um

- Oh, forget it.

- No, no.

- It's stupid.

- No, no! Go on, please.

No, no, no, no, no,

no. Tell me, what is it?

Well

w-what if we could be partners?

- Oh.

- Ah.

I'll never forget it. I mean, he

was gonna blow his brains out,

and then you close the deal! Wow.

I think what John really

needed was someone to talk to.

That's what I always say.

Olu, don't I say that?

- No. No, no, y-you

- The seas would be a happier place

if we could all just talk it through.

Well, yeah, and if we don't,

there's always the second option.

- Oh, you mean if he didn't?

- Yes! This is

a "join me or die" situation.

I didn't conquer China by letting people

go on and on about their feelings.

- Mm Dire.

- Um, so, uh,

yeah, the Captain's got a bit

of a packed schedj, mate.

I'm sure she does.

This is weird, isn't it?

Oh, musical.

We've come across another ship.

- Two in one day. Wow.

- Cap Shh.

Looks like it hit a storm.

Sails are pretty messed up.

- No wheel.

- Poor buggers.

- Permission to board?

- Huh?

- "The Revenge."

- Our ship.

Ed.

Ed!

She's returned to us, mostly.

Well, maybe she's gone through

that triangle thing by Bermuda.

- Has anyone told

- Ed!

I'm here!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, my God. Is he unconscious?

Ed!

Oh, no. There he goes.

Ed!

Oh, God.

Ed!

Ed, are you here?

Let go.

Guys.

Um hi.

I just don't understand.

Where's Ed?

Uh

there's no good way to say this, Stede,

- but w

- Mm. Oh, sh*t.

Is this, is this Stede?

Like, Stede-Stede.

- Watch your breath.

- What does that mean? Stede-Stede?

Nothing. I just I just thought

you'd be, ya know, taller,

musc-muscly, you know?

- Charismatic, you know, like

- Why?

Why are you saying that?

Just the w-way people

This is good soup, isn't it?

Yeah, it's very, very good soup.

Why can't I get a straight answer

- from any of you?

- Bonnet.

- Good to see you.

- Piss off, Izzy.

I don't wanna hear from you.

Frenchie?

- Yeah?

- Where is Ed?

Uh, he retired.

What? Why are you all

looking at each other?

When you get old, if you

don't wanna work anymore,

you can just give up, I guess.

Yeah, I know what retirement is.

Yeah, that's where he went.

- That's our answer.

- Mm-hmm.

- Retired. He is.

- Mm-hmm.

Got tired.

We should k*ll them.

Any particular reason?

I smell mutiny.

I smell leather, B.O., so

You're compromised.

You just wanna keep the soft one happy.

I'll get to the bottom of it.

What about my painting?

Why is it all stabbed up?

That was me.

Hey, Ruthie.

If you're not gonna help

at least keep up.

Oh, f*ck.

You?

Am I your hostage?

No.

What did you do to me

when I was out?

- Anything weird?

- No.

Just making you some soup.

Make your body better.

Captain Hornigold?

Ben now Just Ben.

Open up for the cargo ship.

f*ck you! I'm not eating

that. f*ck off. f*ck off!

Hey!

Listen I know you've probably got

some bad memories

starring your captain here.

Last time I saw you,

you said you were gonna

flay my skin and feed it back to me.

Yeah, alright, alright.

That was messed up. I'm sorry.

I can see you're agitated.

I was in a bad place back then.

Last time, I was too

much on the rhino horn.

- You need your nutrients now.

- No, it's poison!

- No!

- It's f*ckin' poison!

Alright, have it your way!

I've gotta get these nutrients into you.

Now, come on!

Ahh!

Shut the f*ck up!

Shh!

A man was brought down

- What?

- here.

- No.

- His head was smashed

right on this spot.

Um, no, not ringin' any bells for me.

Uh, me neither, Blackbeard. Uh, no.

- I mean, uh, Auntie.

- Fang, shut the f*ck up.

Auntie. Auntie. Auntie.

He was about

six foot tall.

- Oh.

- Mm! Head of silver,

- tattoos, short beard?

- Holy sh*t.

How can you tell that from the taste?

Oh, hm?

You're sweating.

- Aye. I-It's, it's hot, ma'am.

- Ah.

It's it's quite hot.

- I'm burnin' up here.

- It's hot.

Should we go and get

us some coolin' bevvies?

- Maybe it's the weather.

- Maybe it is.

Or maybe it's the guilt

that's building a raging

inferno within you.

- A-ha, a-ha.

- No, I don't think it's that.

What it is, is he had a quite serious

Shh!

Oh

- sh*t tits.

- Where are you going?

- f*ck, that is refreshing.

- Yeah, innit?

Stede said it's called eu-calyptus-es.

- Euc

- Eu-calamp-tus.

- I know, it sounds made up, innit?

- Yeah.

- Mm.

- I missed you.

- I kissed someone.

- What?

- Really?

- Yeah.

It was actually a lotta kissing.

It felt weird not telling you,

- you know, because we

- No, no, no. It's fine.

No, and you're kind of the

best friend I tell things to.

Ahhh.

I'm glad you did.

So, go on. Who was it? Archie?

- She's cute.

- Mm-hmm. I saw her boobs.

Oh, okay. Nice.

- Both of them.

- Okay, that's enough.

I don't need any more.

Don't cry, Bonnet.

We just redecorated.

I don't mind, actually.

I think the knives really

help bring the place together.

What'd you do with him?

I know he wouldn't have left by choice.

I know you think you understand him.

He was either gonna watch

the world burn or die trying.

So, which was it?

Alright, Bonnet. Have it your own way.

He went mad. He tortured the crew.

He took my f*ckin' leg 'cause I

dared to mention your f*ckin' name.

He was a wild dog, and

we dealt with him like one.

You sent him to doggie heaven.

No, I could never do that.

We deserted him on a beach

left nature to do the rest.

More than he would've done for us.

You and me did this to him.

And we cannot let this crew

suffer any more for our mistakes.

- Why would they suffer?

- If your captain senses mutiny,

she'll k*ll us all.

That's pirate code.

Bet you're

wondering how I ended up here.

- Nope.

- What? Not even a little bit curious?

Oh. Mutiny.

It's always mutiny. It's pretty basic.

Oh, it's not that basic.

Mine was pretty intense.

Really? That's what everyone says.

- I sailed my ship directly into a storm.

- Yeah.

I forced people to fight

each other to the death.

Then I threatened to sh**t a cannonball

through the mast and k*ll us all.

Is that basic?

Ooh, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. Ay.

Layin' some heavy sh*t on me, bro.

You worried you're insane?

Yeah, a little bit.

You know, I once fed

a cabin boy a live crab.

Yeah, I was there.

That cabin boy's name was Felix.

He was a really nice guy.

And that f*ckin' crab clawed its way out

through his stomach, and it k*lled him.

Little shitter didn't nick any

more rations, though, did he?

You don't feel bad about it, do you?

Feelin' bad isn't gonna rebuild a

abdominal wall, is it?

You gotta move on, man.

You gotta move on, ya know?

Or you blow your brains out.

- Those are the options?

- Bup-bup-bub-bup-buh. Huh?

Or we could just make some soup.

Yeah. Soup.

- Come on. Come on.

- Let's do soup.

So, it was a mutiny.

At least mutiny adjacent.

Well, they couldn't

keep living like that.

Ed can be quite troubled.

Girl, how are you?

You must feel so weird.

Like, you're glad he is alive,

but then he did all this

evil sh*t to your friends.

Well, it feels pretty

complicated, actually.

And bad. It feels bad.

I feel like I let him down.

And that I'm the cause of a lot of this.

Yeah I should've

just told him how I feel.

But I was scared

and now here we are.

I've dated my fair share of

guys on "Wanted" posters.

They're hot, but it

always ends in a m*ssacre

and th-th-then the wrong

people get hurt, and

Okay.

Maybe we could avoid

that happening here.

I am feeling a little merciful today.

Jackpot. I found the jackpot.

Not a bad shoe, Hornigold. Hm.

You ever thought about selling them?

You can make them right here

out of your grass and sh*t.

Everything's gotta have

an angle for you, ay?

Nah, mate.

I'm actually just a very simple man.

I actually thought about,

uh, opening an inn.

No, really.

It's a pretty good life.

You get to walk around

with a set of keys,

like a jailer, but all

the prisoners like you,

and they can go whenever they want.

Kinda like to see that.

Are you going to turn around?

Uh, not until you ring the bell, sir.

- You gotta ring the bell.

- f*ck's sake.

Ding, ding. Does anyone even work here?

Oh, hello there, sir.

Welcome to Jeff's Inn By the Sea.

- How can I help you?

- Ah. Guess. It's an inn.

- Why else would I be here?

- Oh, you're looking for a room?

- Do you have a reservation at all?

- Listen, mate, have you

got a room or not? It's not that hard.

Okay. Don't have to

Why are you being like that?

Why are you being a d*ck?

I'm not being a d*ck.

You're gonna have to deal with

- customers like that.

- Okay, but Jeff's being really nice.

Jeff's being polite, and Jeff's, uh,

- offering you

- You need to deal with customers

like me, alright?

It's a people business, buddy.

Okay?

Oh, that's right,

you're not very good with people,

are ya, Jeff?

Don't f*ckin' push me, mate.

What are you gonna do, Jeff?

Are you gonna kick me

out your f*ckin' inn?

Or maybe you wanna strangle me

like you did your old dad.

How the f*ck did you know about that?

Grown man covered in tattoos.

Ay? With daddy issues.

- I never told anyone about that.

- But you did, though,

didn't you?

Kraken didn't k*ll my dad. I did.

And he left you.

f*ck you.

And it all boils down to this.

You're afraid you're unlovable.

I'm not a good person, Stede.

That's why I don't have any friends.

I'm your friend.

I'm gonna f*ckin' k*ll you!

You're f*ckin' kidding me.

You can't k*ll me, Eddie.

It's my favorite shirt.

What the f*ck is going on?!

They tried to cover it up.

They've been lying to us.

What?

I told you they k*lled him.

I mean, clearly, it was him or you.

Sucks you guys are probably

gonna be ex*cuted tomorrow.

Eh, nah. We've been livin'

second-to-second for a while now.

It's actually kinda

nice to have a deadline.

Go on, Bonnet. Give me your worst.

Alright, so am I dead?

Not exactly No.

But I'm not alive.

You're in the gravy basket, man.

Always has been. Never was.

You know, the nether realm.

The inevitable, and yet the impossible.

You're talkin' about purgatory?

No. What's that?

- I've been trapped between life and death.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it.

- That's the sh*t right there, bro.

- Oh, f f*ck!

But purgatory, that's

a sh*t way of saying it.

- It's gravy basket. That's more

- Okay, okay, okay, okay!

So who decides whether I live or die?

- You?

- Oh, f*ck no.

No, no, no I don't

want any of that sh*t.

This is on you.

Okay, well, I feel

like I'm gonna choose

I feel like I'm supposed to choose live.

It's a judgment-free zone, bro.

I mean, we can make a list of

the pros and the cons, ya know?

I mean, what do you like about livin'?

No, no. Don't think.

Don't think. Don't think.

- Just, just speak it. Speak it.

- Uh, yeah. Okay, warmth.

Being warm. Good food.

Intercourse.

- Okay, gr

- Orgasms.

- Oh, okay.

- Not just

- intercourse.

- No, that's, that's

It's gotta finish with the good sh*t.

- Warmth, good food. Orgasms.

- Orgasms.

Yeah. Orgasms. Okay, great.

Three solid things. That's a good start.

What about cons?

I don't think anyone's waiting for me.

f*ck.

I mean, that's really

f*cked your pros up.

f*ck. Yes, it's f*cked them!

You got a lot on your mind, man.

You wanna come to my thinking spot?

- You got a spot just for thinking?

- f*ck yeah.

Now pick up my f*ckin' staff.

'Cause if you, if you execute them,

I-I, I really think you'll

come to regret it, deep down.

I, I realize that this

is complicated by your, uh,

your boat-mance with

- Jim, is it?

- Uh, no.

- Yes. Yes, we, we did have a boat-mance.

- Uh, but what,

what is the status of that?

Is it, um, ongoing or?

- Um, we're, we're, we're best friends.

- Oh.

Yeah. Family.

Someone I'd like to see grow old and

just like all my other friends.

So

well, then how would this, um

this execution affect, um

us?

What do you mean

What do you mean, us?

Oh, um, I-I was trying to seduce you.

- Um

- Was that not clear?

- No, it wasn't clear.

- Aye. My, my,

- my timing is

- I thought you were gonna k*ll me

instantly, but Ooh! Mm. Mm-hmm.

Towel service.

This one has a smell.

Ooh, yes. It's Chamomile.

Night-night.

Wee John, take these.

- Okay.

- Stede, what's going on?

We're taking back "The Revenge."

Yes, Stedey-boy!

- Stay low and meet me at the bow.

- Love a last-minute escape.

Wee John, I'll need you to get a wheel.

Meanwhile, the rest

of us will secure an exit.

Tss, tss.

So, so sorry.

We've only got one sh*t.

That's on you, Black Pete.

Me? Why me?

You've always said you got perfect aim.

- I never said that.

- You say that all the time.

- Yeah.

- You said it today.

Come on. The entire

escape relies on this.

Fine, I'll do it. Jesus.

Just breathe into it, Black P

Nope, I can't do it.

- I've never even seen one of these.

- Seriously?

Oh, ya cockeyed

Come on. Give it here. Give it here.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I don't know if I can trust someone

- I don't really know.

- Blue jay,

go for that.

Ah, look at that.

See that, Black Pete?

- Yes.

- Look at

- Yes, Buttons.

- She has good form.

Thank you, Buttons.

Yes! Okay.

- Right. Who's next?

- Me?

Fang. Okay. Let's get

two tea towels for Fang.

Okay.

Yeah, I am so, so sorry.

- Frenchie.

- Yes?

You get started on the riggin'.

Roach! Come here and brace the yard.

Come on!

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

sh*t!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh,

God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

- Where's Olu?

- Olu?

I don't know. Go find him.

Right, who's next? Oh, yes, the wheel.

Mm-hmm, um.

Maybe, maybe we could make

them work off the punishment.

- Mm.

- Earn your trust.

Let's talk about it later.

Hey, hey!

Yo, get your pants on. They're escaping.

Uh, uh, I've got my pants on.

Move! Hurry up!

- Alarm! Alarm!

- Did you know about this?!

- Know what? No, no!

- f*ck!

Wait!

- f*ck.

- Hey, psst! We have to leave now.

- What's going on? Are you escaping?

- Shh, shh! We don't have time.

Come on!

Olu!

- Woo!

- Set the sail!

After them! Right now!

They stole the wheel.

- I don't wanna say, "I told you so."

- Then don't!

I just wanted to thank you for

You come here for clarity?

It's too windy to think.

Clarity? You've made your choice.

What are you talkin' about?

Oh, Christ,

- you just don't f*ckin' get it, do ya?

- Oh, what the hell?!

f*ck, you're as thick as pig sh*t.

I'm not me. I'm you.

You brought me here.

Why would I do that? I hate you.

I've always hated your guts.

- Oh, here we go.

- Oh.

So if you hate me and I am you, then

- I hate myself.

- Bullseye! Finally!

Jesus! It took ya long enough.

Even Calico Jack would've had it by now.

Woo-hoo!

I'm not lovable.

And you're scared

to do anything about it.

But old Hornigold he ain't scared.

Wait, wait, wait!

You're welcome, ol' chum.

You nut. Why'd you have

to go and get yourself k*lled?

I messed up. I messed all of this up.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Ed!

Ed! Wake up!

Wake up, Ed! Please, I'm here!

Please wake up!

Come back to me!

Ed, don't die.

Please don't die. I'm here now.

I'm here, Ed! I'm here! Ed! Ed!

Ed, wake up!

Wake up! Ed, wake up. Come on.

I'll never leave

you. I'll never leave again.

You're safe.

Come back to me.