01x02 - Moving In

[bunniefuu]

[SNORING]

[JOHN CRYING]

♪ Baby Shark, doo-doo,
doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

♪ Baby Shark,
doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

♪ Baby Shark, doo-doo, doo-doo,
doo-doo, Baby Shark ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

[JOHN FUSSING]

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

[EVE SIGHS]

♪ Mommy Shark, doo-doo,
doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

♪ Mommy Shark,
doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

♪ Mommy Shark, doo-doo, doo-doo,
doo-doo, Mommy Shark ♪

♪ Daddy Shark... ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

- [JOHN CRYING]
- [GRUNTS]

[KNOCKING]

[GROANS]

- Good morning, you two.
- Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake the baby?

Don't appreciate you calling me that.

No. John's been up forever.

Just like me. [LAUGHS]

Why won't he nap?

I would strangle everyone
in this room for a nap.

Yes, well...

cherish these times.

They disappear with a cruel swiftness.

Mark my words.

You will blink and find yourself
yearning for the days

when you could simply rock
your sweet child to sleep

in your arms.

That was incredible.

Mm, seemed a little cliché to me.

No, I think your dad's voice
put John to sleep.

Look at him.

It's like he's been chloroformed.

[FREDDY GROANS]

You okay?

[GRUNTS] Well...

my back's k*lling me, my...

knees have locked up and...

I know there is a diaper
in there somewhere,

but for the love of God,
I can't find it.

You know, I have made
accommodation for you

in the very large apartment
across the hall.

Your room there has a Savoir bed,

plumped with wool from Khangai yaks,

which is so soft that Mongolian herdsmen

can't ride them bareback
without slipping off asleep.

I know, but...

Eve lost her boyfriend.
She's alone with John.

How's she gonna feel
if I just suddenly leave, too?

You're a good friend.

I'm not looking for a pat on the back.

Oh, no, you've got
a burp pad stuck to it.

[SIGHS] Thank you
for the coffee, Dr. Crane.

Oh, of course. Here.

Can I ask you...

do you know why Freddy
won't move in with you?

You mean you wouldn't mind if he did?

No.

I mean...

don't get me wrong,
I love the guy, but...

he snores like a paint mixer

and spends more time getting ready

in the bathroom than a runway model.

[CHUCKLES]

Does he know you feel this way?

Of course not.

Everything he's done for us?

I'm not gonna tell him
that the way he slurps coffee

makes me want to throw him out a window.

[SLURPING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, thanks, Dad.

You're welcome.

You know...

it seems that out of a laudable concern

for one another's feelings,
you two are not

being honest about what you'd like.

[LAUGHS]: What?

- I am.
- Well, yeah, me, too.

You'd both prefer it
if Freddy lived with me.

- I wouldn't.
- Yeah, me, neither.

[MOUTHING]

You spend too much time in the bathroom,

and his slurping
makes you want to k*ll him.

- I've never heard him slurp.
- [LAUGHS]: Yeah.

I'm in and out of that bathroom
in like minutes.

Dear God. Some people
will not be helped.

I could put the two of you
on a boat with life preservers

on top of a sand dune,
you'd still find a way to drown.

♪ Daddy Shark, doo-doo,
doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

♪ Daddy Shark,
doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

♪ Daddy Shark, doo-doo,
doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

- ♪ Daddy Shark ♪
- [SLURPING]

♪ Grandma Shark, doo-doo... ♪

- Maybe I should get my dad.
- I'll help you pack.

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,
Grandma Shark... ♪

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]
Thanks for helping, David.

Oh, no problem.

You and Uncle Frasier
are gonna have so much fun

- living together.
- We'll see how it goes.

We haven't always gotten along
in the past.

Plus, moving in with your dad at

is not exactly catnip for ladies.

There's catnip for ladies?

I think I got this.

Why don't you run down
to the storage room

and grab my box of, uh... pencils.

On it.

- So, you...
- I'll get the lead out.

Of storage.

So, you...

Actually, they're made of graphite.

So...

You work with firefighters...

men who can sprint down a staircase

carrying another person
over their shoulders,

and rather than ask them
to help you move,

you ask your cousin, David,

whose greatest athletic achievement

is almostcrawling into a hammock.

You've been enjoying your Savoir bed?

The, uh, yak mattress?

Surprisingly soft.

Trust me, once you go yak,
you never go back.

You know what, I am so excited
about living together.

What do you say we have a toast
to this new cohabitation?

Oh, sure.
I got some Scotch, if that sounds good.

- Ooh. Great. I'll go get it.
- Top shelf.

Of course. Nothing less.

No, it's on the top shelf of the hutch.

Green plastic jug.

Dr. Crane!

- [JOHN CRYING]
- Ah,

I'm so glad I caught you.

What was that thing you said

about how fast the baby years go?

It was really beautiful.

Oh, I'm not sure I said
anything all that poetic.

Just a small lyrical reverie
about how all parents yearn

for that precious, fleeting season

when they could drive away
their child's woes with...

soothing voice

and a lullaby.

- You're magic.
- Hmm?

[EVE SIGHS]

And another young woman
falls under your spell.

Damn it, Frasier,
you know how magnetic you are.

Ah. Freddy.

I would like your help
picking out a dining room table.

Now, I have found one
that I love with the davenport

and another that I
absolutely adore with the divan.

It's a real sofa's choice.

And-and-and that is...?

Weight bench.

And you're putting it here?

Seems like a pretty good spot.

Doesn't it make you
just a-a bit nervous,

putting a -pound dumbbell
near a world-class Steinway?

I will stay away from the piano.

Okay.

I'll put this in my bedroom.

Oh, dear.

What, you don't like the beer sign?

No, it's-it's very fun.

Um, just trying to think
of the best spot for it.

Um... [GASPS]

Do you know what goes perfectly
with this sign?

What?

Your weight bench. [CHUCKLING]

Can't split up
these two kissing cousins.

They're meant for each other.

Okay, I'll put this in my room, too.

And this is...?

Oh, yeah. It's dirt from Fenway.

World Series, .

Mm. What a delightfully peculiar
little square.

You're not so bad yourself.

Yeah, it's a collector's item.

Oh. Well, then it deserves a...

a place of honor, wouldn't you say?

Uh...

I know. Right. [CHUCKLES]
How 'bout here in the bookshelf?

- [CHUCKLES]
- Sure, yeah. I like that idea.

Yeah.

And we'll just do, uh...

Uh...

Let's throw that here.

You know what, Dad,
if I'm gonna be living here,

it might be nice
if I didn't have to hide

- everything that I own.
- You don't.

Anything that doesn't clearly
go better in your bedroom,

I will welcome with open arms.

I want you to feel comfortable
in your...

Don't sit there!

Those are Christian Lacroix pillows.

So we can't sit on the couch?

Not in jeans.

_

Huh?

- There he is. [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]

- Look at us, sharing a room again.
- Ah.

- Just like our Oxford days.
- [CHUCKLES]

The boys are back.

Watch out, ladies...
the lads are on the loose.

Mothers, lock up your daughters.

Daughters, lock up your mothers.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, who are we kidding?

The only girls
we could ever curl up with

- were the Bronteë sisters.
- Mm.

Emily Dickinson for a quickie.

Oh, yes.

- American girls, huh?
- [CHUCKLES]

- [CHUCKLES]
- Is that Freddy?

Yes.

His brief stint at Harvard.

He's so smart.

I just don't understand what happened.

You see, this is why
I don't have children.

You have four.

Well, you know what I mean.

- Ah, Dr. Crane.
- Oh.

I'm so sorry we couldn't get you
your own office.

Oh. No, no, I wouldn't have it
any other way.

[QUIETLY]: But if one should
open up, just let me know.

Oh. Well, if you need some more space,

- I'm sure we could move Alan.
- Mm.

Maybe into an unused cadaver
drawer at the medical school.

Yes, you can put me in the drawer

right next to your love life.

When's the last time
you had a woman on your arm

who wasn't placing
a blood pressure cuff around it?

Dr. Crane, we are very eager
to get the word out

about our exciting newfaculty.

Any chance you have some time

for a short interview with
The Boston Globethis evening?

[GROANS]

The limelight.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

I thought I'd be able to leave
her hungry glow behind me

in Chicago.

"I would give all my fame
for a pot of ale

and safety."

Gotcha. Well, if you're not into it,

I'll just call The Boston Globe and...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I mean, this is my cross to bear.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
I mean, my desire for privacy

should be none of your concern.

Eh. Professor Huntview's
also a very big get.

I said I'd do it.

Anything to help put Harvard on the map.

Mm.

[KEYS JANGLE]

[JOHN CRYING]

I've been waiting all day for you.

Eve.

Oh, my God.

Please... [PANTING]

I can't pretend anymore.

I-I just need one thing from you.

I'm desperate.

No amount of desperation
will make this okay.

I have to go inside.

- Freddy.
- [KEYS CLATTER IN BOWL]

Smells great in here.

Oh, I made dinner.

Here, have a drink.

Thank you.

- You bought a dining table?
- Yeah.

Well, you said you wanted
my help picking one out.

- Yes, but...
- And you also said

that if I found something that
didn't clearly go in my bedroom,

you would welcome it.

I did, in fact, say that.

It appears to have an electrical cord.

Plug it in.

[WHIRRING]

It's an air hockey table!

By your logic, you think it
doubles as a dining room table.

Oh, yeah. Sure. It's space-saving.

I mean, we need an air hockey table.

Indeed.

And we also need a dining table.

So, you know, two for one.

Don't you love the colors?

Which ones?

It appears to have all of them.

Oh! Dad.

Please.

Use a puck.

Pass the salt, please.

Nothing would make me happier.

Mm.

You're right. This could use
some salt. Would you?

Freddy, this is all starting to
feel a bit passive-aggressive.

If you're trying to make a point,
I wish you would just make it.

Okay.

- [HORN BLARES]
- MALE VOICE: Goal!

["FIRST CALL" PLAYS]

I'm assuming that this is revenge

for not wanting your weight
bench in the living room.

Or any of my things.

Only because, happily, I can provide you

with some nicer things.

To you, they're nicer. I like my things.

Well, it's just that they're
a bit, um...

Embarrassing.

No! No, no, they're not embarrassing.

You don't want someone walking
into your apartment

seeing my stupid, garish things.

You find them embarrassing.

In fact, I'm not so sure
you don't find meembarrassing.

Oh, that is absolutely ludicrous.

It's just that I believe that
my Loetz Austrian Art Nouveau

iridescent glass vase
might clash ever so slightly

with your box of dirt.

That box of dirt

is from Fenway .

The Sox were in that dirt.

I want to understand
why that's important.

But to me, it just sounds like
a laundry problem.

David Ortiz made MVP of the World Series

in that dirt. "Big Papi."

Well, good for him...

big sonny.

[SCOFFS]

What? What? Where are you going?

To the bar. I'm gonna meet some friends.

And when I get back, I think
I should move back in with Eve.

I mean, you like the idea of us
living together and bonding,

but you obviously don't want me here.

Of course I do!

- Freddy!
- [HORN BLARES]

MALE VOICE: And that's
the end of the period!

Is that reporter here yet?
I've brought two looks.

One serious, one fun. Both gray.

Frasier, look at this.

Found a wonderful picture
of us both from our Oxford days.

- Oh, Alan, the memories.
- [CHUCKLES]

I love it. [LAUGHS]

That's not me.

Really?

This isn't even you.

Huh.

Are you all right?

Oh, it's Freddy.

He's regressing into an angry teen.

What's he angry about?

That I don't love Scotch
out of a plastic jug

or a dining set designed
by Dave and Buster.

You ask me, it's all a bit performative.

Honestly, it's exaggerated disdain

for anything remotely tasteful.

Just like my father.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

[LAUGHS]: Oh. What does that mean?

- Pretty obvious, isn't it?
- Please, Alan, I'm not in the mood.

All right, all right. Not my call.

I'll just write a few things
down in case I forget.

You can do what you want.
It's no concern of mine.

What are you writing?

I don't care.

What did you write?

Let me guess.

You think Frederick gets under my skin

because he reminds me of my father.

Some trite observation like that.

Not a bad thought, Alan, actually.

Can you blame me?
I mean, I loved my father,

but he cringed
at absolutely everything I am.

Can you imagine what
that's like, to have a father

that's that embarrassed by you...

Okay.

Okay, you made your point.

I'm doing the same thing with Freddy.

He just wants a father who accepts him.

Oh, I see what you've done.

It's a neat little parlor trick.
You get me to rev myself up

while you write down absolutely
nothing at all, you...

"Just wants a father who accepts him."

How the hell did you do that?

Frasier, I've known you for decades.

I'm an eminent psychiatrist.

Plus, on the other side,
I wrote down "mommy issues"

just to cover my bases.

I can't believe I'm confessing this,

but I hit my son over the head
with my Art Nouveau vase,

suffocated him with
my Christian Lacroix pillows.

[SIGHS]: God.

- I hate to admit it, but it's true.
- Uh, Frasier...

No, I've got to get this off my chest.

I lured my unsuspecting son
into my apartment

with false promises, and now
there's no trace of him left.

God, I'm a monster.

Dr. Crane, this is Jeneé Whitacker

from The Boston Globe.

Please, I have a family.

Excuse me, ladies.
I have a hatchet to bury!

_

Excuse me, sorry. Uh, excuse me, uh,

I'm-I'm looking for a...

Oh, my God.

Do you know who you are?

- You're Frasier Crane.
- I am aware of that, yes.

I'm actually looking...

My wife used to watch
your show all the time.

It gave her the tools
to go after what she wanted.

Uh, ex-wife, I should say.

- I hope she and Leslie are happy.
- Mm-hmm.

And your show helped me
pick up better on social cues.

Oh, very flattering. I'm glad.

As like when I'm interrupting too much.

Which I understand. You should
be very proud, but I...

You know who you'd be great for?
Our buddy.

His dad d*ed when he was a kid,

and he still can't talk about it.

Oh, gosh, well,
I-I'm sorry to hear that,

- but...
- Oh, there he is. Hey, Freddy,

look who's here.

It's TV's Frasier Crane.

Yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT] Hey.

Check it out. He's friggin' starstruck.

[LAUGHS]

It's a pleasure
to make your acquaintance.

Sorry to hear about your father

dying when you were just a child.

Yeah, I don't like
to talk about that too much.

- [FREDDY CHUCKLES]
- g*dd*mn it, Freddy.

I'm not gonna let you be
a prisoner of your childhood.

Excuse me, Dr. Crane.

Now, process your grief
while we get a bucket of beers.

Yeah.

What you doing here?

Surprised to see me
risen from the grave?

Dad...

I'm still talking, Oedipus.

So, this is why you didn't ask
your firemen buddies

to help you move.

Because you're too, oh,
what was that word you used

to describe how I feel
about you, when actually,

it describes how you feel about me?

- It's "embarrassed."
- It's "embarrassed."

I hope you're hungry,
'cause this irony is delicious.

- How we doing?
- [LAUGHS]: Oh. Yeah. Wow.

Dr. Crane just blasted open doors

I didn't even know were there.

Thanks so much, Doc.

We'll let you get on with your night.

No, no, no, no, hold on.
We've just gotten started.

- So, tell me, Frankie...
- It's "Freddy."

Freddy. Um, tell me
about this father of yours.

Oh, yeah, I-I don't remember that much.

You told me he was a pipe fitter
from Dorchester.

Other than that, you said he was

this completely forgettable nobody

who really never made
an impression on anyone.

[LAUGHS]: I-I don't think
I said that, Moose.

No, I remember
'cause it really broke my heart.

- I'm kind of an empath.
- Mm.

And the way your dad d*ed,

impaled by that
falling radio antenna. Mm.

No symbolism to unpack there.

Sounds like your father
was a big disappointment to you.

No, he...

He could sometimes just be
a little hard to be around.

How so?

Oh, I don't know,
as a totally random example,

uh, let's say he's the kind of guy who,

if you're out with some friends,
maybe having a few beers,

suddenly he shows up
and takes over the entire room.

[SCOFFS] Jerk.

Must have been rather difficult
for you, living in that shadow.

It was.

Everybody was always so wowed by him.

I mean, I know I was. That...

That didn't leave a lot of space for...

For you.

[SIGHS]

And then I guess I kind of lashed out.

Who wouldn't? [CHUCKLES]

It's understandable.

Your father left no room in
the home for your personality.

If he were alive today, I'm sure
he would say that he was sorry.

I hate to poke holes,

but if your dad d*ed
when you were so little

you don't remember him,

how were you overwhelmed
by his big personality?

And also, your dad was
a pipe fitter from Dorchester?

'Cause you told me
he was a plumber from Mattapan,

which could not be more different.

Freddy, I don't even want
to think about this,

but have you been lying to us
about your dad?

And worse, wasting the valuable
time of Dr. Frasier Crane?

You know what, guys? We don't
need to talk about this.

- You know...
- No, if I may...

There is only one person
to blame for this confusion,

and it's not Freddy.

It's Freddy's mother.

You see, Freddy's mother
spoke so often about his father.

As the legend grew,
the details of his life,

as relayed by his mother,
changed constantly.

One minute a plumber,
another a-a pipe fitter.

And that is because she actually
did not know herself.

Because the truth is, she wasn't
sure who his father was.

She had narrowed it down to three.

- Mamma mia.
- Precisely.

No, that's the plot of Mamma Mia!

Pipe fitter from Dorchester,
a plumber from Mattapan

and a dashing psychiatrist
from Cambridge.

You see, only recently,
DNA testing was completed.

I know this because two weeks ago,

I received a letter in Chicago...

...which is why I am here
this evening in Boston.

- You mean...?
- Yes.

Frederick Crane...

I'm your father.

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

_

Why is this called "scooch"?

'Cause they can't
legally call it Scotch.

"Distilled in Orlando."

So, how long before
your friends figure out

we've always had the same last name?

Well, they didn't question us
already living together

when they came to get
the air hockey table, so...

I think we're good.

I know I can be
a bit overbearing sometimes.

And I know that it mostly comes
from a good place.

[SIGHS]

Sorry you left Harvard
because you were in my shadow.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

I didn't.

I dropped out 'cause I hated it.

Just didn't get along

with any of those snooty,
pretentious eggheads.

[CHUCKLES]

They're not that bad.

You make them sound like Yalies.

I'm just more at home
with the guys at the station.

I like those guys. I'm like those guys.

But my whole life, any time
anyone finds out who my dad is,

I stop being Freddy and start
being Frasier Crane's son.

And I didn't want that again.

So you offed me.

Maybe that's why I should
stick around for a little.

I mean, how many kids
get a second chance

to live with their dead dad?

So you're staying?

You know, I would drink to that,
except I-I can't

have another taste of this solvent.

You know,

I've been thinking
about your box of dirt,

and I believe it will go nicely
on top of the piano.

Really? You don't think they'll clash?

No, no, I think
they'll complement each other.

Besides, if I can make a
chaise lounge après-Coco Chanel

work with your grandfather's
duct-taped recliner,

I can make anything work.

Fenway, meet Steinway.

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- I'll get it.

I'm gonna get a fresh glass.

This one's half-dissolved.

[CHUCKLES]

- Eve. Uh...
- [SIGHS] Dr. Crane.

About earlier, I-I just want
to clear something up.

Oh, that's all right, Eve.
It's happened before.

Other people figured out

that your voice
puts their baby to sleep?

Yes.

- Could you... I'm just so tired.
- Oh. Of course, of course.

Being a single mom is not
as easy as everyone says it is.

You may be a single mom, but...

that doesn't mean that you're alone.

Trust me when I tell you
that Freddy and I are both here,

no matter what you may need, and...

You know, it reminds me
of an observation

made by one of
the great philosophers that...

Funny, my voice
really does put John to sleep.

And you.

[SIGHS]

Well...

Touchdown for Big Papi.

♪

♪ Y'all know how this goes ♪

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ But I don't know what to do
with those tossed salads ♪

♪ And scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Life's callin' again ♪

♪ We love you! ♪