02x01 - Crates

[bunniefuu]

Almost ready to storm the Citadel
and defeat the Hive Mother.

CHORAL MUSIC
This is the culmination of...
everything.

MUSIC STOPS
Oh, I need a tea!

Do you want one? Erm... No, thanks.
OK.

I'm a massive woman!
Quack-quack-quack!
I'm a giant running woman!

You know what, Nicky,
we lead very thin lives,

but we have this

and you best believe
we paid our dues. Hallelujah.

Did you just sneer at my dinner?

No. I just looked at it.

So, how about we all
slay the Hive Mother together

and then I'm gone?

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

Oh, my God.
We just saved the Ninth Kingdom.

OK. Wait for the drop.
This is going to be huge!

MUSICAL FANFARE
What the actual f*ck?!

I should probably, erm...

Yeah. I need to, erm,
boot up Destiny .

You're not gonna believe this. They
just announced an expansion pack!

Good morrow, fair maiden.
Good morrow, Meg.

Happy expansion day!

It's finally here. The next chapter.
The new instalment.

It's over.

After eight long deathly months,
the content drought is finally over.

Look at me spooning this
delicious content into my mouth.

Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom!

Content! Content! Content!
Content! Content! Content!

Look at all that lovely content
you're consuming!

This is just the start, Alison.

They're going to be pumping content
down my throat with one of
those giant metal pipes

they use to blast acorns into geese.

Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof!
Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof!

God, I'm actually a bit nervous.

I could barely sleep. I woke up about
am and went for a big sploshy wee.

Yes, I heard that.
I couldn't get back to sleep!

It's like Christmas morning,

if Christmas morning
were hours long!

hours of content
just being bled into my face
from a giant content horn.

Sorry, what are these here
that you have on?

Oh, laptop trousers.

Laptop trousers?
For when we want to go portable.

Meg made them for us.
Strengthened pockets for power cables

and I have added some padding
here and here to insulate us
from getting hot thigh.

A lot of people are saying
battery heat can give you
cancer of the upper thigh.

I mean, who knows?
Right, well, I'm off!

Greece? Athens?

The holiday?

Oh, sorry, Alison!

Look at us, banging on.

Er, no... Greece! God,
you'll bloody love that, won't ya?

What a country!

Olives, oil,

f*cking...

Recessions? Mm.

Starting off in Naxos
and then heading over to Athens,

the Acropolis! Oh, the Acrop...
Did you hear that, Nicky?

Alison's going to see the Acropolis.

Now, that's a very old building,
isn't it?

That's correct, Meg.

How big is it, the Acropolis,
in hours?

I don't think I understand
the question.

( hours.)

'Tis a wonderous day to be alive.

You should take your time
to smell the flowers, young Alison,

for one day they will wither,

for now is the summertime
of your youth.

Thank you for those sage words, Meg.

I'll be back in a week.
Look after everything here

and, I'm joking,
but please don't urinate

in any of my nice drinking glasses.

SHE SINGS INDISTINCTLY

THEY HUM LOUDLY

♪ Kingdom Scrolls

♪ It's fun for young and old

(BOTH) ♪ We come to fight for gold

♪ And Experience Po-oints!

♪ Kingdom Scrolls

♪ Oh, lovely Kingdom Scrolls

♪ A tale of fate foretold

♪ And Experience Points ♪

OK, I'm on the epilepsy warning.
"Warning! Playing games
may induce seizures."

I'll take regular breaks, then,
shall I?

Maybe I'll open a window!
THEY LAUGH

But, seriously, I'm going to try and
not turn it into a grind this time.
Just relax and, er, enjoy the ride.

I'm joking! I am on a straight line
to the new-level cap.

I'm essentially a sentient chair
until I hit level .

You know, they say sitting down
is the new smoking.

Well, I guess that makes me
the f*cking Marlboro Man.

No-one speaks for the next
six to eight minutes.

Behold,

Kingdom Scrolls End Days begin.
SHE SHUDDERS

Look what the tide dragged in,
Tanadaal Kwan.

Emperor Vintoto, we meet at last.

"You look a little green
around the gills."

"My people are in need."

A plague sweeps the land.

A plague!
Ooh, there's a f*cking plague!

"Buckle up, guys, because we are
about to meet the tenth emperor."

Holy sh*t!

Tanadaal Kwan, it's time to reclaim
your birthright!

Sorry, who the f*ck is that?

Why is there a f*cking koi carp
with man legs?

Look at his arms!
It's got tiny fish arms!

How does he even feed himself?
I don't even know how he gets
his little Speedo on in themorning.

S-S-Ssh! Just shut up, OK?
I'm sure it all makes sense.

"OK, I've seen enough. I'm bailing."

BEEPING
OK, there's more.

They've introduced loot boxes.

"Are you serious? Loot boxes?"

They're on the menus.
Kingdom Crates for .

Well, I guess they finally did it.
They monetised me.

To be honest, I'm just surprised
it took them this long.

Looks like we've got ourselves
an addict!

Shouldn't you at least open a crate
before you decide
you're addicted to opening crates?

"Oh, a free one!"

Yep, I'm a goner.

Out comes the credit card,
bang goes the driving lessons.

OK, this is happening.

There are carps
with legs and buttocks.

Huh.

Fine! Great!

"Imagine this guy
trying to take a crap."

He couldn't even get his pants down,
let alone clean himself.

All right, Usman!

Crate number one contains...
nothing of note.

Crate number two... Nothing of note.
Crate number three?

Plimsolls and a bag of sand. Ah.

Crate number four contains...
nothing of note.

Hello?

Is it safe... to come in?

Oh! Meg!

I was half expecting to find
the wheelie bin in the living room!

You and Nicky wiping your bottoms
on the tea towels!

So, how was your week?
The content feast?

Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom. Nom.

No, yeah, it was, erm,

it was incredible. Yeah?

I love it, actually.

SHE CLEARS THROAT
Erm...

There's fish people in it now.

Oh, right! Yeah.

It's, erm, been quite divisive
amongst the community.

A bit of hate speech flying around.

Weirdly, it became a trans issue on
Twitter some point around Thursday.

I can't remember why, but, erm...

Yeah, no, it's... it's brilliant.

Lock up your valuables.
Crate-head incoming.

Nicky! Meg was just telling me
about the new expansion pack.

Oh, yeah! No, it's cool. I've just
been on the crates for seven days.

The crates?
Loot boxes. Surprise mechanics!

Basically, I pay to unlock things
that I don't really want.

Hm, maybe I've got a problem.

I haven't at all.

I'm actually only spending
about £ a day on crates.

And what do you get for that,
your £?

Various degrees of detritus.
Tags, emotes, skins.

Snagged an ultra-rare
gunmetal parasol on Tuesday.

Oh! But, er, apart from that,

just mostly bollocks.

Meg tells me there's fish people
in it now.

Oh, don't! They're the worst.

They make no sense.
Where have they even come from?

Because, Nicky, they were forced
to evolve when they were driven out
of the Grey Sea,

which is completely toxic,

much like the nature
of the discourse.

So in one evolutionary cycle,
an entire race of fish creatures
developed man legs, did they, Meg?

Yes, Nicky, evidently they did.

What about their infrastructure?
Their palace under the sea with
the minarets built from coral shell?

They know what they're doing,
the developers.

Sure they do.
Going after the Fortnite money.

Fishmen, hats, loot boxes.

I'm just another money nerd
waiting to be squeezed.

Speaking of which,

crates beckon.

Well, Meg, that all sounds great!
And Greece was lovely.

Oh, er, Greece. Sure.

Also, erm,

I met someone! Jay.

He's a bit older. He's .

He's losing his hair a bit,
but he owns his own digital PR firm.

And we went out
on this old rickety boat -

It's not very good, Alison!

Oh! Oh, Meg!

What?

It's fine. I'm fine.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Now I've just wasted
all of my annual leave

and...

Look at you.
All the things you've done.

So much things.

Oh. I mean, it...
I-It wasn't that great!

It was only Greece!

Ooh, the cradle
of Western civilisation? Pfft!

And the Parthenon was so small.

Was it?

Oh, yeah! Tiny. I mean,
they should call it the Half-enon

because it's half as big as
y-you think it's going to be.

Anyway, the point is, Meg,
is that it was really disappointing.

But then, you know, I met Jay,
so you never know.

Yeah.

OK.

Thank you, Alison.
SHE SIGHS

OK, yeah.
I'm gonna go and give it another go.

Erm... Did you want to talk about
Greece any more?

Oh... Yeah!

So we went out into the harbour,

erm, Jay got one of those
local pitas.
MEG SIGHS

Here we go. Let's get back in
and forget the fishmen.

The environments are stunning.

It's like the lighting is more
volumetric than actual lighting.

These particle effects are the
most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

And I truly mean that.

And I'm only talking quietly because
my daughters are in the room.

Oh, how are they both?

They're great. And I've made some
adjustments over recent months.

I've taken stock of my life
as both a father and a husband

and I'm way more present for them
now.

Also, my youngest, Freya,
she's almost walking.

No way?! "Yep."

Any day now she'll be taking her
first steps. We're all very excited.

Well, I've done my quota
for the day.

Crates - I cannot get enough
of them. I mean, I can, obviously,

but equally, I have blown through
my entire salary for the month.

Right.
Which means no more crates for me!

Amongst other things -
food, rent, travel. Bleurgh!

I'm just thinking, "Do I liquidate
my ISA and convert it straight
into Kingdom Crowns?"

Absolutely not. Yeah, I know.
HE TUTS

Difficult one.

Right! Harbour Town,
a whole new area. A new start.

Focus on the positives and let...

Oh, my fat f*cking personal Christ!

They're everywhere!
Guys! It's me! It's Russell!

Did you hear the good news?

You know Drake, the singer
with the really neat beard?

He's gone and done a funny TikTok
of him playing Kingdom Scrolls
with the big fishman!

It's got a massive million views!

♪ Do the carpman

♪ Shake your fins for me

♪ Shake your fins for me

♪ Shake your fins for me ♪

Oh, Drake,
what the f*ck have you done?

♪ Shake your fins for me ♪

SHE LAUGHS
♪ Do the carpman! ♪

God, and this is actually
him playing?

Is it?
LAUGHTER ON PHONE

Oh, God!

Listen to him!

Drake - he's braying!

Yeah, he is. He's honking.
Like an actual drake.

I mean, this is great, Meg.

It's everywhere!
Your game is finally cool.

Not finally, obviously.
No, I mean, it's always been cool.

Not like that other one.
Age of Conan.

Oh, f*ck Age of Conan! Pfft!

It's so played out! Yeah.

No, it's great. It's great, right?
You know, brings the kids in.

A whole new generation of players.

So Christmas
is just around the corner.

Who'd like to buy a bag of ties?

OK, Nicky, two things...
One, it's March,

two, is this about the crates?
HE LAUGHS

Alison, erm,
I don't mean to play hardball,

but, er, the clock is ticking
on the ties.

Don't think I haven't already had
a little nibble on Facebook.

Lot of interest.
Some very desirable ties.

I don't want to buy your ties,
Nicky. I want you to get help.

The only help I need
is at the bottom of a crate.

Apparently my seven-year-old nephew
is into Kingdom Scrolls

and he wants me to buy him
some Kingdom Crowns.

So, can one of you help me?

How... Show me how? Sorry.

How much in Kingdom Crowns?

Oh, I don't know. quid?

Yeah. Yeah. No, sure,
I'll sort that. I can do...

Send me his game tag and I'll, erm,

I'll take care of him. It.
I'll take care of it for him.

OK.

Listen, erm, you know that guy Jay
I was telling you about?

Not the one who's in prison? What?!

You told me about some guy
who's in prison.

Nicky, I was telling you about
the Moors m*rder*r Ian Brady.

Ah, yeah.

Anyway, Jay,
the guy I met in Greece,

he wants me to meet
some of his friends

and I'm a bit nervous
about going on my own,

so I was wondering -
I mean, you're probably not -

but, erm, he's having a gathering...

Oh! Oh, erm...

Oof!

Oh, this is terrible,
but, erm, I don't think I can,

and I've just completely blanked
on why.

OK. That's weird,
because I'm the same.

These friends of Jay's,
they're, er,

they haven't got jobs, have they?

Office jobs? I'm not selling them
your f*cking ties, Nicky.

Nicky?

How may I help? Erm, did you
leave this on the photocopier?

Er...

Don't think so.

Right, just cos it's got a little map
and it's pointing to your desk

and there's a drawing of you
and it's saying "Everything must go."

Weird.

Having said that,
is there anything here at all
that piques your interest?

I've got a satsuma. Good price.

Deodorant.
These little coloured paperclips
make the perfect gift for a dad.

Or a bureaucrat.
And it's all just p.

Also, I do have a range
of work and leisure socks.

Erm, I don't want
any second-hand socks, thanks.

OK.

Nice watch.
Thanks.

My parents bought it for me
when I graduated.

Would you like it gift-wrapped?

MYSTICAL MUSIC

Welcome, kids, Drake fans.

Welcome to our server.
Help yourself to a moon fruit.

You know, even my eldest daughter's
started playing Kingdom Scrolls.

It's so nice that we're finally able
to do something together.

Honey, are you still back there?

Just grinding on, Daddy.
That's my girl.

So, what's got two thumbs
and just robbed and then k*lled
Alison's nephew?

Nicky, you stole from him?
He's a child!

He is indeed, Meg, yes. I k*lled her
nephew to feed my crate addiction.

It's actually a pretty decent scam.
Allow me to demonstrate.

I built a small facility,
the Merch Stand.

Now, Russell, would you like
some free Drake merch?

Er, yes! I f*cking love Drake!
He's Canadian.

OK, sport. That'll be
Kingdom Crowns, please.

Hang on, where's the merch?

Then, once he's inside,
push the button and...

SCREAMING

..instant death.

Oh, I get it! No, nice one!

That...
That was a really creative mugging.

That is right in my top five.

Nicky, you can't just go around
k*lling all the children, OK?
We need to welcome them.

The new generation.
Grow the user base.

"I'd k*ll them all
if I had the capacity."

Think of the cold, hard pocket money
we could pry from their lovely warm
little hands.

"He makes a compelling point."

I don't wanna go telling tales
out of school here,

but I happen to know an eight year
old, not a million miles away,

who's sitting on over
bucks' worth of birthday money.

If only there was some way we could
gather all the children together,

you know, concentrate them somehow.

Sure. Just gather them all
into an area or camp.

Hm. Yeah. You mean a kind of
concentrated camp?

Oh, if only there was a name
for that... "OK, Meg. Not like that."

Don't try and make this
into a genocide.

OK, no. I'm all for a bit of fun,
but that is just blitz trolling.

Ahem! Hey, kids!
Welcome to Kingdom Scrolls!

I'm Greta Longstocking,
one of the Elders, for my sins!

Not to come across all, erm,
Jonathan Blow,

but, er,
you're playing it all wrong.

There's actually a plague,
so if you'd like to all follow me
to Mr Fothergill's Apothecary!

"Piss off, Grandma!"
"Die in a hole, you old woman."

"f*ck off back to RuneScape,
neckbeard."

"Eat d*ck,
you million-year-old hag."

FOREBODING MUSIC

Oh, Jesus Christ! Nicky!

Yeah, no, I'm fine, thanks, Alison.
ALISON SIGHS

I sold my ties, Alison. Mm.

To a man in the hallway.

And then I had a meeting at work.

I didn't have anything to wear
round my neck, so I, er,

I wore a dressing gown belt.

Oh, Nicky.

pounds for all the ties
in my wardrobe

equates to Kingdom Crates.

This isn't a life, Alison.
Not really.

Grubbing around for Kingdom Crowns
like a slum-dweller

and then blowing it all
on an imaginary pair of flip-flops.

OK.

Well...

..let's break it down. Thanks.

Er, what is it you're trying to get?

HE SIGHS
Well,

ultimately, I'd like the
legendary Kn*fe of the Windseeker.

Sure. But what is it
you're really trying to get?

I guess I really want
a golden harpoon.

No, forget the harpoon.
What is this really about,

deep down?

What it's really about,
if I'm being totally honest,

is the infinity satchel.

Oh, f*ck the satchel, Nicky!

f*ck it! Who cares?
It's just a bag with a strap.

No, it is. It is.
It's about the harpoon.

On a psychological level, Nicky,
what is this about?

Oh, psychologically?

Well, obviously, it's about
feeding my compulsion loops.

So, anyway, have you got p?

No. Sorry, Nicky, I don't.

So I got to thinking...
Oh, my God! Meg!

..maybe it's not my game any more.

Kingdom Scrolls.

Maybe it's their playground now.

Generation Fortnite.

So I was going to say,

may...

I... Sorry.

Erm, I was going to say,

maybe I will come with you
to that thing

with you and, erm,

that man from Greece.

Oh, Meg!

No, yeah, I'm excited.

I feel a bit dizzy when I think
about it. A little bit, erm,

I don't want to say nauseous,
but you know what I mean? Yeah.

No? Yeah.

Erm, we're going on a walk
out to a country pub!

Perfect.

And that'll take up, er, what,
-slash- percent of my day?

Er, about that, yeah. Oh, hooray.

I'll, er,
I'll lend you some wellies.

Yay.

Wellies.

Wellies for the pub walk.

Yeah.

So, erm, presumably, we'll be talking
most of the way, then, will we?

Probably, yes.

They're just such beautiful trees.
Mm.

I love how muddy and bright it is
and how much it stinks.

Hi, everyone!

I'm Alison

and this is Meg. Hello, all.

Let's, erm...

..walk.

Let's walk and talk. OK.

Isn't it beautiful here? Yeah, it's
lovely. Lovely trees everywhere.

There's so many.
This one is one of my favourites.

This is a willow.
DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS

So, how's... No way!

Absolutely not!
f*ck this woodland bullshit!

I think your friend's running away.

Yeah. I think she is.
f*ck all of it!

My God!
How did it come to this, Nicky,

letting young foreign boys
ride you for money?

I'm a crate fiend, Usman.
I'm beyond humiliation.

Still, even crackheads
don't do donkey rides.

There has to be a line. Not for me.

So go ahead, jump aboard.
Only p a time.

No thank you, man.

Because it's more than this little
Arizonian heart of mine could bear.

I'll have a go!

Ah, this is amazing!

What else does it do? I mean,
you're already riding around on me.

Does it jump? I don't know.
It might break my back.

Yeah, but it's not your real back!
Jump over that wall!

OK, you know what,
this actually looks quite fun.

Nicky, could I buy a ride
for my daughter?

Guys, I've been thinking,

and it's time to take our game back.

MARCHING BAND MUSIC

Hey, kids,
welcome to Drake's Live Show!

Come on in.

OK, Usman, now!

ROARING & SCREECHING

Welcome to hell, kids!

The concentration camp!

This'll knock the f*cking edges
off them. Great idea, Meg.

Industrialised child slaughter
equals items, equals Kingdom Crowns,
equals Kingdom Crates,

equals items,
and on and on and on it goes.

Like a rat in a trap. The trap being
my addiction, but, er, what a trap!

Right, let's keep rounding them up.
Show these clueless newbie fucks what
Kingdom Scrolls is reallyall about.

God, I fricking love this game!

Me, too, Usman!

Daddy, am I in the right place
for the Drake show?

Uh-huh. He'll be on stage
any second, sweetie.

GROWLING

SHE SCREAMS


♪ Five

♪ Four

♪ Three

♪ Two, one ♪