02x02 - The Chair

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

Meg, have you seen the sunset? Yep.

No, no, but have you seen
THIS sunset? No, Alison.

I haven't seen THIS sunset.
Well, do you want to?

MEG SIGHS
Can you just stop trying to make me
look at things, please, Alison?

It's just REALLY beautiful.

Honestly, you wonder why I picked
the room without the window.

Just... Nicky, do me a favour,
have a look at the sunset

and tell me if
it's worth looking at.

Not worth it, Della.
He says, "Not worth it."

Two out of ten, Del.
He says, "Two out of ten."

God, so glad I didn't bother
looking.

But you're OK, are you? In here?

Because I've barely seen you
in the last two weeks.

I'm fine, thank you, Alison.

Just chomping through
the main quest line.

Also, I've been
aggressively promoted

because apparently
I am good at my job.

Meg, you've got a promotion?! Mm.

They want me to take a train up
to Coventry to fire an old man

who is unable to adapt to the new
version of Photoshop.

So, you know...
SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE

..it has its perks.

Meg, that's great news!
Obviously, it means longer days.

Up early, don't leave
the office until :

and then straight back here
to get back on it.

But you know what they say,
"Work hard, play even harder."

I'm not quite sure
that's exactly what they say.

Yeah, well, anyway I think I'm just
going to make Greta some dinner

and put her to bed.

Oh! What are you making her?

A venison fondue
with lavender frittata

and an imperial mushroom sauce.

Sounds delicious.

Oh, don't worry. It will be.

What are you doing?

Oh, erm, I just figured if I eat
my food while she's eating hers

then it's basically the same thing.

Because that way it saves me from
cooking a whole venison, you know?

Cor. Yeah, definitely.
Total life hack.

Now, I'll brush her luscious hair
while she luxuriates in her meal.

Cor! Imagine brushing your hair
like that!

Don't need to, Alison,
because I'm already doing it.

OK. Well, sunset beckons.

Spoiler alert, Alison.

EXHALES FORCEFULLY

The sun eventually goes down.

Thank you.

Be lucky, yeah.

So, here's a grim little nugget
that will make you cry.

I just sold the last of my socks
to buy more crates.

Nicky, not the socks.

And what's this you are doing now,
please?

Oh, I'm squatting over the face
of a Middle Eastern gentleman

while he inspects my privates
in first person mode.

For coins, obviously.

CHARACTER GROANS

Oh, God! And I am sorry,
people of Syria,

but THIS is the bleakest thing
I've ever seen.

Oh, I'm a lost soul.
No two ways about it.

I am a maniac trapped
in a hell-realm.

CHARACTER CROAKS

And job down. Look, he's finished.
Congrats, my friend.

You just let a man inspect
your genitals for p.

That I did, Usman.
And I did.

Russell, mate. You're always good
for a couple of Kingdom Crowns.

What can I get you? w*apon? Potion?
Donkey ride?

Er...how much for the actual man?

What's that?
You, the man.

I want to buy the man that is you.

You want to buy me?
Yeah, cos your man's really good

and I'm bored of my twatty fish man.

Go on, let me have a look at yours.
Turn him around for me.

Mm...

Nice and small, isn't he?
Very compact.

Make him jump.

Look at his funny, little legs!

Aw! I don't really like his face,
though.

His face is based on my face.

OK, you're going to have to take
a bit off for the face, but erm...

quid.

NICKY INHALES SHARPLY

I'm sorry, Russell. Did you just say
crates?

Nicky, you can't sell your avatar,
it's like selling your soul.

I don't believe in a soul, Meg.
I'll sell anything.

You can rent my leg, if you want.
And then what?

What's the point in crates if you
don't have an avatar?

OK, so he makes a new character
and he starts again.

That's what I did, many moons ago.

There was an incident just after Mum
d*ed where I erm...

I started howling in the cockpit
somewhere over Buffalo.

They actually had to ground
the plane.

"Fetch the rubber handcuffs!
Usman's gone coconuts!"

They signed me off for eight weeks.

I gained, like, lbs and ended up
playing Kingdom Scrolls in a smock

and growing out these nasty-ass blue
veins on my legs.

My right calf was like a chunk
of Gorgonzola. Hm!

The Summer Of Stress.

My God! Where does all the time go?

Anyhoo...time for the Cat Man to go
fly a plane.

He's right. I can make a new one.

It's just an avatar,
it's an XP receptacle.

I feel no more for this collection
of pixels

than Gary Barlow might have felt
for his offshore tax instrument.

Russell, wire me the cash
and I'll send you the login.

Oh, nice one! I can't wait to take
you for a little wazz!

Right. I need to finish my lunch
break and get back to it.

That's right, Princess.
Eat it all down.

Mm...

truffles.

Hm!

Oh, what the f*ck is this now?

DOOR OPENS

Meg, you wouldn't happen to know
anything about

the chair in the shower? Did you see
it when you were in there?

Did I see a chair in the shower?

Yes, I think I did, as a matter
of fact, Alison.

Right. Any idea why?

OK. If you must know, I have been
sitting down in the shower.

Yep, understood.

Why have you been sitting down
in the shower, Meg?

Look, obviously I CAN stand up.

I can stand up for ages.

I mean, look at me, I'm standing up
right now.

No-one's saying you can't stand,
Meg. But, erm...

after a bit, you know,
being on my feet,

I can get a little bit, erm...

breathy. Breathy?
Breathy, Alison, yes.

Plus, it's just better, isn't it,
sitting?

It's more comfy. You don't stand up
when you...when you have a bath.

So, in fact, I'm going to spin this
around, Alison.

How come you don't sit down
in the shower?

Also, I found a flake.
What kind of flake?

A flake, I think, of you.

A flake of me?!
A flake of you, yes.

OK, yeah. Could be.
Could be a flake of me.

You MIGHT have found a piece of me.
What do you want, Alison? A medal?

You want a medal made out of my own
skin?!

No, thank you, Meg. And where did
this come from, do you think?

Could be anywhere because, you know,
I do have a bit of a weird patch,

like we all do. Because it's...oh,
hours in the saddle at work,

four to seven hours in the saddle
at home,

it's a long time in the saddle.

It sounds to me like what you might
have developed, Meg,

is, in fact, a saddle sore.

Nm-mm. I do not have a saddle sore.
And I'm a LITTLE bit concerned...

I do hate...
IMMITATES MOCKINGLY: .."little bit".

..that your body might be falling
apart.

OK, wow.

Out come the prejudices.

Roly-poly gamers with their big, fat
sausage fingers.

Maybe I'll just buy myself
a mobility scooter

and drive myself to
the crematorium(!)

Alison, people who play games

can still lead full and active
lives.

Because I was wondering,
what if you looked after yourself

the way you look after your
character? Like what?

Make my own soup out of some
vegetables and put myself to bed?

Kind of, Meg, yes.
God, I'm so sorry, Alison.

I forgot that we were living in
Gwyneth Paltrow World.

Maybe I'll just stick a noni egg
in my fanny and eat a carrot.

This isn't Gwyneth Paltrow World,
Meg. This is very much...

KNOCKS ON TABLE
..THE world.

Because, you know, I don't want
to say too much about me and Jay,

but...

the guy is banging me like a bongo
drum at a Fela Kuti concert.

All right, Alison.
The point is...new job, new start,

how about you get yourself in shape
and get yourself some?

There is this guy at work.
Mm-hm?

You know those big water bottle
things?

He changes them.

And in my pants, it's like...

IMITATES expl*si*n

It's like scorched earth down there.

Seriously, nothing would survive.
Nothing.

The loss of life, if my pants were
a town, would be catastrophic.

It's genital Hiroshima.

What I'm trying to say is, erm...

I'm a bit peckish for some.

BELLS CHIME

THUDDING, SEAL BARKS

Yeah, selling my avatar.
Best decision I ever made.

Sure, clubbing seal pups and turning
tricks for a Qatari businessman,

you're walking on sunshine,
my friend.

Three for a pound on biros.

Usman, aren't you supposed to be
at work?

Oh, my flight got cancelled
due to inclement weather.

So, of course, I immediately drove
home and told my wife.

No, but seriously, I snuck back
inside my house

and I'm hiding out in the closet
by the garage.

It's a pretty sweet setup.
I've got a garden chair, a cushion

and a portable folding camping
toilet with ten disposable bags.

And boom! I'm on a two-day freebie.

What about food?
steps ahead of you, dude.

Because this ain't my first rodeo.
I wait till nightfall

and I creep out and into the kitchen
like some giant rodent

and I eat from the way back
of the cupboards.

The old jam, the box of cereal
from last November,

a handful of spelt.
Some of that survivalist sh*t.

I'm like a cross between Bear Grylls
and a very large mouse.

Hey, Nicky, look. I've put you on.

Like a pair of clothes, I'm wearing
you. Like a pair of trousers.

What have you done to my face?

Oh, I didn't like looking at it
so I covered it with tattoos.

And I found this really funny thing
you can do.

CHARACTER FARTS

RUSSELL LAUGHS

Ah! That's one of the new emotes.
It's aimed at children, Russell.

I know! It's hilarious!

CHARACTER FARTS

OK, I'm sorry, but can you just NOT
to do that with me. Please.

It's demeaning. Look at him,
look how sad he looks.

No! Look at his happy little face,
he loves it.

Right, I'm going to go do a massive
fart off the top of that tower.

Oh, hello?

Who's this?

Daisy Chainsaw.

HE SNORTS

She wants to fight me.

Oh, my God!
She thinks I'm noob!

DAISY CHAINSAW GRUNTS
She's ganking me.

LAUGHING: This is classic!

SHE GRUNTS
OK. New death move.

Bit tacky, very Mortal Kombat.

NICKY'S CHARACTER GROANS
Ooh! Hello!

What is she looking for up there?

CHARACTER GROANS

What just happened?

I think maybe she just pulled your
guts out through your anus.

Yeah, I think maybe she just did.

And I think that maybe I'm in love.

RUSSELL FARTS CONTINUOUSLY
HE LAUGHS

HE FARTS AND LAUGHS

DOOR OPENS
ALISON: Uh-oh!

Busted.
ALISON CHUCKLES

Walk of shame! Oh, no!

Me and Jay got a hotel last night.

We actually only got a couple
of hours together

cos, erm, Kerry thought that
he was at five-a-side.

Because it turns out -
and, you know,

this is just one of those things,
really - it turns out

the boyfriend's got a wife.

Er, that sounds like a problem.
Doesn't sound great, Alison.

Oh, OK. Oh. Oh...

Oh, hush, little babies.

For you, a problem, yes. Yes.

But this is grown up world
and Jay's breaking up with Kerry.

Fay and James are on the rocks.
I mean, we might all swap partners.

It's like... It's like a mid-period
Woody Allen.

Only with way more f*cking.

Anyway, are you ready? Because it
will take me just two seconds to get
changed.

Yeah.
Where are you going?

We're going to the gym before work.

HE SCOFFS
Yeah, no, sure.

And I'm circumventing the globe
before lunchtime.

No, er, really, Nicky. We are.
We're, erm...

SHE CLEARS THROAT
..we're going to the gym.

Right.

I see.

So, you're one of them now, are you?

The gym people. Drink a protein
shake, get a really fat neck.

I just want to feel better
about myself.

Oh, I'm all for it.
What's wrong with my patented

OptiMax Cardio System?

SHE SCOFFS
Nicky, it doesn't work.

OptiMax Cardio System?
I invented a fitness program.

star jumps-a-day during loading
scenes and cut sequences.

I've got a spare pass,
Nicky, if you're interested.

WHISPERING: They've got a pool.
Oh, swimming(!)

A minute round trip so I can
take my shirt off in public,

while bullyboys swim front crawl
and I almost drown

because my lime green Bermuda shorts
are slowly inflating with water.

Oh, yes, please(!)

Nicky, it's just between work and
the game, the truth is, erm, I...

..I've been getting a bit breathy
in the shower.

We're all getting breathy
in the shower, Meg.

We're actually not, Nicky.
Oh, OK.

So, Alison's our new benchmark now,
is she?

Three meals-a-day and a podcast
on the walk to work.

It's f*cking lunacy, Meg.
It's actual gibberish words.

She's drinking more water now.
Aren't you, Meg?

Yes, Alison. That's right, I am.

You think you're so much better
than me, don't you?

With your water and your big veiny
neck.

She's even thinking of dating
again. Isn't that right?

That's correct, Alison. Yes, I am.

Ooh, dating(!) How very
the-popular-TV-show Friends.

No, it's erm, it's weird actually

because there's a girl I'm into,
as well.

What girl? You never said.

Oh, I'm sorry, Monica. Shall we...
Shall we go to Central Perks?

We can riff on the pitfalls
of modern relationships.

How did you meet?

Thanks for asking, Alison.

We actually met when she pulled
my guts out through my anus.

Hm. I thought you hated the new
death moves?

I thought they were "a craven
attempt

to appeal to knucklefuckers
and YouTubers."

They're actually a lot more subtle
than you might think.

No, great. Good for you.

Well, it's exciting, isn't it?

You two getting yourselves out
into the world.

Yeah, totally. I'm excited.
Me, too.

I'm basically already hard.

Same. I've got an absolute rager.

I'm going to be chomping on cocks
left and right. Yummer, yummer(!)

Oh, easy on the old cocks there,
Meg.

God, I feel so much better for all
this water I'm drinking.

USMAN: That is the ONE thing I will
say I miss hiding away in here.

The regular fluid intake.

My children, obviously, but also
the fluids.

Because I have to carefully ration
my swallowing,

otherwise I'd be constantly emptying
the old Mason jar.

But, hey, if this ship was easy,
everyone would do it.

WATCH ALARM BEEPS

Daisy Chainsaw. Right on time.

DAISY CHAINSAW GRUNTS
MALE CHARACTER YELLS

OK, here she comes.

DAISY CHAINSAW GRUNTS
NICKY'S CHARACTER GROANS

Oh, let's see what she's going to
pull out of me this time.

It's like a lucky dip, isn't it?
My anus.

NICKY'S CHARACTER GROANS

My spinal column. Hooray(!)

And now she's whipping my buttocks
with it.

She is adorable.

Right. And this gets you close
to going out with her how?

It's called establishing
a connection, Meg.

Or have you never read a dating
manual?

Anyway, every relationship I've ever
had has involved me having my guts

pulled from my anus in one way
or another.

We're just cutting through
the bullshit. Right.

Water for Meg, water for Greta.

Everybody freeze!
It's the Fart Police.

HE FARTS
HE LAUGHS

I'm kidding! It's me, it's Russell.
It's not, I'm doing a voice.

What have you done to him?
He looks dreadful.

I've just been thrashing him about.
He loves it, look.

I'm sorry, but can you just respect
the heritage, please, Russell?

He is the Lord of Grayvale.

I tell you what he is the Lord of,
he's the Lord of having boobs.

Oh, my God! I don't know how, but
I think somehow I've managed to er,

solve the trans debate. I've become
their symbol or something

and I can't remember the combination
of words I said,

but everyone's just getting on with
it.

SKYPE RING TONE

Guys, two seconds. I just need to
Skype the family.

Skype? But you're at home.

Meg, I Skype with them every single
day.

Even if I'm hiding in the next room.

Usman, I think the mouse is back.

Oh, sh*t!

Maybe call pest control.
Anyway, duty calls. Bye, honey.

The cheese!

I took a risky nibble on the cheese.

f*ck! Papa Mouse is getting
reckless.

Well, go on then, Nicky.
If you're such a big player,

make your move. All right, f*ck it.
Maybe I will.

Actually, f*ck it, maybe I won't.

Because I'm immediately out of my
depth.

Dude, have you thought about
waving?

Waving? Usman, no-one ever got laid
by waving.

Sure they did. Jeff Katarni.

Friend of mine from the Runescape
days.

He absolutely got laid by waving.

No, it's stupid. No way.

SALOON MUSIC PLAYS IN GAME

Oh, wow! So hot, Nicky.

All this sexy waving.

Usman, why is nothing happening?

OK, maybe try it a little closer.

Oh, yeah! Because I love it
when a man I don't know

waves RIGHT in front of my face.
Mate, you've blown it.

This is a nightmare.

Yep, I'm entrenched. No retreat.

It's like Vietnam but with waving.
Hold your nerve, dude.

OK, how do you feel about push-ups?
I'm not doing f*cking push-ups!

CHARACTER PANTS

Oh, no! THIS - this is the bleakest
thing I have ever seen.

Oh, my God! Holy sh*t!
She's waving back.

Yes! You just pulled a Katarni,
my friend.

Jesus Christ!

I think I just made it to whatever
three bases before first base
is called.

I'm at negative second base.

Oh, good for you, mate.

Looks like you just bagged yourself
a primo fuckturkey.

Thanks, mate. And you never know,
you might find one too.

SHE SIGHS

SHE GLUGS

Most of that was me!

The last barrel! Jane had bit,
she's got quite a dry mouth,

but the majority of that was gulped
down by yours truly.

That's a lot of water.

SHE CHUCKLES

It's a fucktonne of water.

But that's just how much I drink
nowadays.

They're like L each.

Mm, yeah. Well I just wish they were
.

Not enough hours in the day,
not enough water in the world.

I'm sure it's fine, but if you drink
too much water

you can make yourself quite unwell.

You can't drink too much water,
it's an urban myth.

It's like the five-a-day thing.

Right?
USMAN: Meg. Come in, Meg.

The human body is % water.
From what I just overheard

and based on my calculations,
you could be as high as , %.

Erm, oh, OK. Well...how would I know
if I drank too much water?

Jump up and down.
Tell me what you hear.

No, I can't do that.
I'm in the office.

Meg, trust me.

SLOSHING

What do you hear?
Erm...

I don't know. Swilling?
OK, yeah. You drank too much water.

At this point, Meg, you basically
ARE the water cooler.

Stick a tap in you and stand you
in the corner,

people could gather around you
and talk about their evenings.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Yeah, I actually don't feel
too good. Erm...

Could you, erm...er, I don't know,
maybe go to the pub with me?

I sort of definitely feel the last
thing you need is more liquid.

Yeah, cool. Ignore me. Bye, then.

SLOSHING

Oh, my God! I've waterlogged myself.

I just want to eat some sawdust
and fall asleep.

SHE RETCHES

NICKY: You're right, Meg.
If I'm serious about dating,

I need to start taking care
of myself.

My patented OptiMax Cardio System.

HE EXHALES SHARPLY ON EACH JUMP

Because it works. It just works.

I would try to do a star jump,
but every time I move

it sounds like two people f*cking
on a water bed.

The best part is, I haven't thought
about crates all day.

Nicky, mate. There's been a bit of a
change in my personal circumstances.

I was wondering - I know he's not
exactly in mint condition -

but if there was any chance
you'd want to buy him back?

My, God. Breaks my heart to see
what he did to you. But, buddy...

DOOR OPENS

Praise be to The Nine.

DOOR CLOSES

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

THEY BOTH SHRIEK