02x05 - Healthy Balance

[bunniefuu]

Meg?

Alison?

Anybody home? Anybody home?

Nicky?

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Nicky, were you calling me?

Did you need me?

Nicky?

Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus Christ, no.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

Nicky! Nicky! Please, Nicky!

Oh, my God. Nicky!

Oh, my God. Nicky! Nicky! Nicky!

Nicky! Alison? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What the f*ck? Alison!

It's stuck! It's stuck! Agh!

HORSE SQUEALS

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't look at me!
INDISTINCT WAILING

I'm sorry!

Meg! You're late.

Yeah, because guess what,
they f*cking promoted me.

Again?! I know! The f*ckers.

I've got a team, a pension, some
poor prick has to get me coffee.

It's a f*cking sh*t show.
Meg, that is amazing.

Oh, yeah. It sure is, Alison.

Maybe I'll just get myself a
leather bag

so I can put my laptop in it
with a banana. Hm?

PHONE RINGS

Oh, oh. Here we go! Here we go.
Work phone.

What?

Yes. Bye.

Colleagues love a f*cking chat,
don't they?

PHONE CHIMES

SQUEAKY VOICE: Oh, wh-wh-what
the f*ck is this now? Mm?

Oh, it's Greg on the f*ck phone.
Seriously. How is he? Greg?

We had sex, Alison,
and it was amazing. Oh, my God. Meg.

Only slight shitter is now I want
to do it with him all the time.

It's like when a lion eats a child

and suddenly it's got a taste
for human flesh

so they have to plant dr*gs
in a burger

and blow its f*cking brains
out with a handgun.

DOOR OPENS

CLEARS THROAT
Nicky.

Alison.

Since you're both here,
you can give me a hand.

I'm doing a big clean. Glass of
vino, blitz the absolute tits

out of the kitchen.
Hold that thought, Alison.

Indefinitely. Mega patch
going live in two.

And what the f*ck is mega patch,
please?

They've released an update
for Kingdom Scrolls

and it is going to fix everything
that is wrong

with the expansion pack.

Hail to the mega patch!
Hail to the mega patch!

Just to say...

..you may have heard what sounded
like whinnying

coming from my computer earlier...

I don't want to know. OK, cos it was
actually an erotic dynasty warriors

scenario with horses present,
but they were very much onlookers.

OK?

Just to be clear, no horses were
f*cked in the making of that video.

It just...

Between you and me, everything
that happened with Daisy

in that cave...

I've been awakened, Alison.

Well, that's good then, isn't it?
MICROWAVE DINGS

BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY

Just feels nice.

Usman, my brother, you ready
to get mega patched?

Meg, I was born ready.

I was actually born prematurely,
that's how ready I was.

I was so ready, I came out three
months early and almost d*ed.

God, I need this because
this is my window.

This is my one night off of work
and Greg..

COMPUTER CHIMES
..and oh, oh!

What the red-hot cinnamon
sh*t cakes? f*cking mins?

Oh, my God. I've got the same mins.
That is insane!

That is an insane quantity of mins!

It's a super-abundance of mins.

I'm drowning in a glut of mins!

Guys, my download is only
mins.

What the f*ck? Sorry.

I'm actually staring down the barrel

of a very reasonable
portion of mins.

Where are you? How are you getting
connection speeds like that?

I'm on a relaxing vacation
with my wife.

I'm being facetious, obviously.

I had a four-day layover in Seoul,
so I'm taking a mini-break

from the relentless grind
of family life.

And these are pretty much
optimum gaming conditions.

Dark, quiet.

It's like being inside a womb.

Like a very high-tech,
interactive K womb.

And that is my kind of womb.

It's gone up a min!
How has it gone up a min?

Those min-hoarding fucks.

Sounds to me like maybe you got
a Wi-Fi leak in the house.

Bandwidth emergency. Shut down
your devices immediately.

What are you doing? Putting an end
to this gluttonous intake

of our precious megabytes.

Look at this! IPad just streaming
a sh*t video to no-one.

That's the news.
There's been a landslide.

Ooh, a landslide!

Meg, what are you doing?

I'm unplugging the smart fridge.
It's not a smart fridge, Meg.

Alison, I eat the yogurts.
The yogurts come back.

It's a f*cking smart fridge.

Those are my yogurts, Meg.
I buy new yogurts

because you eat my old yogurts.

Nicky, speed check!
It's barely moved the needle.

f*ck! Well, what now? I don't know,
I guess we just have to sit here

and wait. What?! For mins?

What are we supposed to do?
I could read a f*cking novel.

I won't, but I could.

Curse you, dual link router,
and your absurdly low ping rates.

God, I hate you sometimes.

Don't deserve those
firmware upgrades.

Right. Well, if you're doing
nothing, you could come

and help me with the freezer.
I'm defrosting it.

Oh, defrosting the freezer?

That is so you, Alison. Doesn't
even make sense as a sentence.

"Defrosting the freezer."
What's next?

Detoasting the toaster, huh?

Actually, it really needs doing
because somebody tried to freeze

a half gallon milk container filled
with what appears to be liquidised

Peking duck, and then wrote
"Cantonese smoothie" on the side,

and then left the door open.

So now the whole thing's
basically frozen solid.

Alison, I'm not just going
to help you, OK? Why should I?

There's absolutely no incentive
for me.

Right. What if I rewarded you
with imaginary XP?

Then obviously my response would be,

"How much imaginary XP?"

Oh, oh, loads, millions.

Well, no, that's not realistic,
is it? A million XP?

That'd be like being crowned
Emperor of Japan.

This is ,, , max.

Yeah. OK, yeah. Yeah.

, XPs.

Plus a big bowl of home-made chilli.

Meg, Meg, come on.
It could be a laugh.

The three of us hanging out.

All right. f*ck it.

I'm in but only because I've got
nowhere better to be

for the next million mins.

Great. I'll start on the cooker.

SCRAPING

It's been incredibly well-balanced,
the experience of defrosting

this freezer, because drawer one -
or level one - that was just an

ice cube tray and a couple of
stray Magnums,

but that just introduced the core
mechanic. And then, boom!

Level two!

The mid-level boss - a large,
frozen chicken

welded to a garlic baguette.

This...this is my sword
in the stone.

mins remaining. Ughh!

PHONE RINGS

Oh, oh! And what's this now?
Oh, it's the work phone. Again.

Seriously, am I the only dipshit
around here

who knows how to run
a design agency?

What?

Well, shrink the logo, slap a
gradient on it

and then drop in a stock sh*t
of a diverse family

and shaft them for quid
plus VAT.

Goodbye!

Oh, my God, Meg.
That was actually really impressive.

Yes, I know. I'm brilliant at it.
It's a f*cking nightmare.

We should celebrate your promotion.

Because I'm celebrating, too,
actually.

Oh, yeah? Celebrating what?

Jay and Kerry have had a
massive row.

I mean, an absolute toxic
horror show right in the middle

of Debenhams, of all f*cking places.
I mean, talk about symbolism.

A dying marriage in a dying
department store.

Obviously terrible for little Poppy
Rose having to watch her mother

having a...what we in these
enlightened times

would have called "an epi"
in the middle of Northampton.

But, you know, great for me!

That's nice, then.

I mean, the point is
it's all happening.

But don't worry, because we're
all moving on in our lives.

You and Greg, you, your awakening.

What awakening?

Oh, just me and Daisy...

f*cked in a cave.

Interesting. Kept that quiet.

It actually sounded really romantic.

Apparently it was like Game
of Thrones with Jon Snow

and that wildling one, but
they actually had massive blocks

instead of heads.

I did my one too, actually,
but in a bed.

And with heads. What?

Really? Yeah, Nicky. Really.

Because, uh, what...what resolution
was your sex?

p.

We tried K but frame rate
was too slow.

megapixels.

Now that's, that's the resolution
of a human eye.

That's what I had sex in.

Great. Good for you.

You couldn't handle
that Nicky, all that reality.

God, it'd blow your eyeballs out
your arsehole.

OK, maybe I'll just text her right
now, invite her to come and stay.

Oh, yeah. Great idea. Maybe you
could put some cardboard boxes

on your head and f*ck in the
airing cupboard.

No, I can't do it.

But you'd like to? See her?
Obviously I'd like to, Alison.

I'd also like a firmer handshake
and some charisma.

Whatcha gonna do?

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, you know what you've done
here, mate, don't you?

Only gone and fallen in love
with your one. What?!

No, I haven't.

I just like her. Your one's
totally gone in love with you.

My one is not in love with me!
Yes, he is.

He took you out for that
panini meal.

It wasn't a meal, Nicky,
that was a panini.

A panini with the crisps and a drink
- as a f*cking meal, Meg.

Oh! When is this game ready?

Usman, Usman,

are you playing it yet? Almost.

And I got to say it, these guys
really know how to grind.

Because the guy at the next station,
totally sparko on his desk.

His face
is on the actual keyboard.

Usman, he's not...he's not
dead, is he?

Oh, no.

We don't think so.

No, there's just a vibe
going around that he's not dead.

PHONE PINGS

It's from Daisy.

She's saying,
"OK, that would be amazing."

Oh. I texted her from your phone,

asking her if she wants to come
and stay with you.

Alison, you total
blouse-wearing maniac.

What the flip have you just done?

Just trying to help.

Daisy is coming to see me.

SQUEALS

LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Oven...is looking...spotless!

God, I envy you, in a way, Alison.

Not in a patronising way,
but, um, you know,

I've got a whole team of humans
to boss around,

a boyfriend who text me
once every four hours

and nine f*cking kingdoms to save
when this download finally fishes.

You've only got a bloke
and a kitchen and that is enough.

Cos, I mean, the upkeep of tradesman
Greg alone is monumental.

He's a very needy man. You know,
cos he's looking to spend, like,

four to five hours at a go with me,
and I don't care who you are,

that's a f*ck of a lot
of an evening to chow through.

Did you know he's a master of wine?
Yeah, he did say something about
that, I can't remember.

You can't remember your boyfriend
telling you he's a master of wine?

Alison, he says a lot of things.

What, am I meant to ascribe
meaning to all of it?

Wait...

What's this?

Huh...

It's like a loot
drop at the end of a level.

This could be anything, Quorn
sausage, vol-au-vent, anything!

This is so great!
A real-world loot drop.

And Daisy's coming to see me.

No, yeah, that's great, Nicky.

I just hope you're up to it, with
Daisy. What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, cos you read all this
stuff, don't you?

Blokes who have been jacking
it for so long,

flaying their sad little glands to
hardcore Japanese tentacle p*rn

that they've effectively
brain-damaged let their libido.

All right, I mean,
it definitely still works...

..cos I get them
during combat sometimes.

Sorry, during combat?

If I do something cool,
or I get a good drop.

Might get the odd combat chubby.

Occasional scroll pole.

Scroll pole?! No, Nicky, do not try
normalising this by doing a rhyme.

Nicky, I think it's weird you're
getting erections from the game.

Cos she's coming here,
mate, in the flesh.

Question is, can you get
combat chubby, but for a woman?

Oh-h-h-h...

Uh...

OK, Alison,
and I appreciate this might...

..be a difficult conversation
if handled incorrectly, but...

..can I look at your bras to
see if my penis still works?

The f*ck are you talking about now?

No, no, not in a disgusting way, I
just, I just, need to look at

a physical bra and then visualise
the fatty deposits

that go inside of the bra.

Oh, wow, congrats, Nicky, you've
finally turned my stomach. Kudos.

Usman, where are you with
the mega patch?

Because I'm still on the business of
a fat f*cking shitload of mins?

Yeah, it's downloaded,
I am playing it right now.

It's great.

Some really neat fixes.

It has, sadly, been somewhat
overshadowed by events.

The paramedics just came
and hauled him away.

What I wrongly assumed to be an
unusually deep power nap

was in fact, potentially,
the deepest nap of them all.

Suffice to say, it's a very heavy
atmosphere in here right now.

Yahoo!

All we can do is hold our breath,
pray, and, of course, keep playing.

I keep hitting his space-bar for
him,

just to make sure
he doesn't get kicked from his game.

TEARFULLY: Cos I'd sure as sh*t like
to think he'd do the same for me.

Rise, O timid one.

HE SIGHS

And lo, he is risen.

Just to fill you in on the
continuing saga

of old John Thomas...

..rude health. OK...

And full disclosure, I was
looking at one of your bras,

but only in the abstract.
Oh, my... Which bra?

The grey and black one.

Stripes, balcony cup,
cracking little bra.

It might not have the bells
and whistles of all the other bras,

with their eyelash lace
and scalloped hems, but...

WHISPERED: ..it's the little bra
that could.

Nicky... Mm-hm?

That wasn't my bra.

What are you talking about?

How am I supposed to live
like this, Alison?

Cos there's just not enough
hours in the day, is there?

Work, Greg, game, sleeping,
eating...

The other one. Not socialising?

Oh... OK, no, sorry, um, but I was
just gonna say, "sh1tting".

I just was.

Meg, you just need to put boundaries
in place. A healthy balance.

Ah...

Wow, OK...

OK, I knew it, I f*cking knew you
were a Scientologist,

with your...shoes and positivity...
It's not Scientology, Meg.

It's just good, common sense.

Nicky! Nicky?

Have you heard what
Alison's on about?

I'm just telling Meg about the need
for a healthy balance.

HE SCOFFS
What's this, then? Marxism?

It's not Marxism, no!

Because I feel, on some level,
you've enjoyed this, tonight.

Meg... Not playing the game.

I do sort of feel different

because, for once, you know,

it feels like my skull isn't
coming in on itself.

I think, perhaps,

what you're describing there is the
feeling of not having a headache.

And, you know,
little bit less time in the game,

little bit more
time for lovely Greg.

And, Nicky, you could maybe take
some more time out

in the world, normalise your libido.

Cos, you know, I'm visualising this
confused little imp,

piloting your genitals
and he's saying...

SQUEAKILY: "Please, please,
give me a healthy balance, Daddy."

And I don't know why he's saying,
"Daddy", but, then, you know, he is
confused.

MEG GASPS

It's a credit card! Oh, God...

That's mine.

Why is your credit
card in the freezer?

Do you remember when I had that big
spending problem? And I bought,
like, three settees in four months?

And I got that little bald
patch from stress?

Uh...

God, yeah, it was like it was
yesterday. Huh...

Well, I froze it to stop
myself from using it.

And, you know, the point is, like
you two, everything in moderation.

A healthy...balance.

Healthy balance balance.

ALL, SLOWLY: Healthy...balance.

Healthy balance. I could do that.
Yeah, no, I could do it.

I could do it first.

Well, I feel healthier already.
Well, she was asking me to do it.

Well, I'm really interested in
healthy... Tell me more about that
healthy balance.

It's just everything in
moderation... She's already said
everything...

Cos I remembered what she said.
Enough, I'm in! I'm in! f*ck it!

I don't need to hear any more about
it. Let's do it. Stop talking about
it. I want to do it now,let's go.

Well... Here we go. My first act
of a healthy balance is I would like
to toast it.

To... To... To a healthy balance!

A healthy...balance!
To a healthy balance.

A healthy balance...

Mm-m-m-m-m!

Oh-h-h-h! It's grapey.

I don't feel very well.

A healthy balance. More!
More! More! More!

Yeah! Yay!

BEEPING

Uh...

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Um, what happened?

I think, from the state of our
mouths, it was, perhaps,
red wine that happened.

Ugh...

Meg...

SHE SHUDDERS

What thy f*ck?

What...thy...actual f*ck?

W-thy-F?!

Oh, morning.

How are you feeling? Alison...

Where's the router, Alison?
You know where it is...

..don't...you?

Um, I'm afraid it's where
you left it.

Oh, no...

Oh, no! Holy f*cking sh*t!

I mean, I tried to talk you out of
it,

but we were talking about healthy
lifestyle and you got so excited!

No, this isn't real!

This can't be real.

At one point, you actually started
stomping around the living room

and chanting, "Healthy balance!"

THEY CHANT

I think you thought that if you
froze it, it might stop you playing
for a couple of days.

You spiked me, Alison!
You spiked my wine with more wine.

Look at me, Alison. "Healthy
balance" written all over me -

I look like a f*cking muesli box!
But this is what you wanted!

Alison! Does this...

..look like anything
anybody would want?

Well, no... Not specifically, no.

This is all just a drunken mistake.

No... We just need to defrost the
router and get back online.

Get our lives back, renounce this
hateful ideology!

Oh, my God, look at me.

Like some f*cking warning sent from
Greek mythology, just damned

to thaw out her frozen router with
a tiny, refillable lighter.

It's not going to work, Meg.
We've broken it. It's all f*cked.

SHE SOBS

My one has the internet.

My one has the internet!

Hi, Greg, can we come in, please?
We just need the juice.

Also I'd like a glass
of actual juice.

Yeah...
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Nice to see you again.

Meg, the download, it's nearly done.

Usman? Come in, Usman?

Yeah, I'm still here. And guess
what? They f*cking revived him!

He was ten minutes dead, but then
they just slapped those

big old paddles on him
and it brought that sucker back!

Yeah! He just smashed back a can of
Monster and boom!

He's back in the game!

I've got to say it, most inspiring
damn thing I ever did see.

Talk about an underdog story.

He's like the Rocky Balboa of
sitting on his ass.

Kim?

Kim?!

SOFTLY: Kim?

In my spare time,
I recondition vintage camera lenses.

Mm-hm. Busy, busy.

I think Alison was telling me,

I must have forgot,
that you are a master of wine?

HE GIGGLES

Yeah, yeah...

SOFTLY: I'm actually
the youngest wine master

in the northern hemisphere,
so yeah...

It's just wine!
THEY LAUGH

Yeah, it's just...fruits...
It's fruits...!

SHE LAUGHS
Yeah...

Anyway, Greg, I'm in love with you.

HE LAUGHS, SHE CHUCKLES

Mm-m-m. Ah, Meg...

So, my one has just
broken up with me,

but he says it's fine if we stay and
use the Wi-Fi, so that's a result.

Why has that happened, then?

Um, because, apparently,
I am quite distant at times

and guilty of sending
mixed messages.

KEYBOARD TAPS

And are you, uh...?

..you OK about that?

Tippity-top, thanks.

Cool.

SHE SNIFFLES

HE SINGS SOFTLY

♪ Kingdom Scrolls

♪ It's for boy, young and old...

♪ We come to fight for gold

♪ And experience po-o-o-oints. ♪

SHE SNIFFLES

That's better, isn't it?

Everything better now?

HE PATS HER ON THE BACK
Be OK, mate.

HE SIGHS FORCEFULLY

Jesus Christ, N... Nicky! No, it's
not... It's just... f*ck's sake!

It's just from the...thrumming of my
keyboard on my lap!