01x02 - The Inheritance Scare

[bunniefuu]

Ambassador Gibbons,
Bath and Body Works says

they don't do international shipping,
but this came for you.

What is it? Is it an invitation?
Did I miss it? Give me that!

- It's in some sort of... code.
- It's in Spanish.

"Dear American Ambassador
Melanie Gibbons,

- Ignacio Ferracuti has d*ed.
- Iggy, no...

- He d*ed leaving no heirs...
- Okay, twist.

...but left a sum of 18.9 billion pesos

to whoever can survive a night
in his mansion,

- and you've been selected...
- To be one of five strangers

put to the test to see
who can inherit his fortune!"

Iggy, yes!

These are the best!

All of us arrive and have dinner,
and then we go to our rooms

and we see who can survive the night.

Whoever lasts the longest
gets the money! I'm so excited!

Oh my god, should I get bangs?

What a good intro.
They don't make them like this anymore.

Frutsi! Be quiet!

Frutsi, no. Please no!

Leave me alone.

Hi, kids. How's it going?

Renaldo, the neighbor girl asked
for you...

She's cute.
Her mom says she's a virgin.

Mom, please, not right now.

Why don't you show her
your little horror hobby?

- It's not a hobby, Mom. It's my life.
- How so?

Let's see, what are you
most passionate about in life?

You, Beatriz, God, and Frutsi.

Well, horror is my me, Beatriz,
God, and Frutsi.

Mom, I can't stand Frutsi
anymore! It's him or me.

This house isn't big enough
for the two of us!

If you don't like it here,
you can get a job and move out.

Okay...

I'll show her.

We can't watch a work of art
like this. Let's go to our office.

- What office?
- Come.

Surprise!

Well, it still needs work,
but this way we can start

our first official gig on the left foot.

I love what you're trying to do.

Good thing you don't have
a framed picture of us...

I see you do have
a framed picture of us.

Renaldo... so corny.

HOW TO MAKE MONEY
FROM HOME LATINA

START MAKING MONEY NOW!
BUILD YOUR OWN FUTURE!

So, this new gig
is a standard inheritance scare?

We scare the guests
throughout the night.

Last man standing wins.

Yes, it's the fortune
of Ignacio Ferracu...

How much are we getting paid?

I haven't asked yet, but I will.

And, just as an idea,
simply thinking out loud,

what if we scare one of the guests
by having them get swallowed by the bed,

then they pass through the ceiling

and land back in the same room
where they started?

Don't get me wrong,
it just sounds kind of impossible.

I think we can do it, we just have
to think of ways to pull it off.

- She can do it.
- I'll do it.

We still have the levers
from the exorcism.

Guys, we need this to be a success.

This is our first official gig.
Let's not ruin it by going overboard.

Let's keep it simple
and do something classic,

like hands under the bed
or blood dripping from the walls...

Yeah, for sure,
a couple pumpkins and done.

Look, I hear what you're saying,
and it makes perfect sense,

but I'll keep insisting on this idea
as if I never heard you.

Tico, where you going?

I have to go to this panel.

This thing of people thinking I'm
this artist, it's really snowballed.

Snowball? How-How do you mean?

Snowball, you know, like
when how you take snow,

and you put it in your hands
like this and you compact it,

- and it becomes like a little ball.
- I've only seen that in movies.

Yes, but this is like
you put it on the ground,

and then you roll it along,
and it collects more snow,

- and then, it gets bigger.
- That's fun.

It's not really fun because sometimes,
this snowball, it becomes too big.

I hope to see snow someday.

Manny, someday... I'm gonna take you.

You're a good man, Tico.

Always helping other people, but
sometimes that gets you into trouble.

I know, I know.
Can you cover for me?

- Yeah, go. Beep beep!
- Beep beep!

And remember to floss every day.

- Even if it bleeds?
- Even if it bleeds.

Úrsula, can you
come here for a second?

Why aren't you smiling at patients?

We're not called
Beautiful Smiles for nothing.

So... smile.

Úrsula, what do you think
teeth are for?

To be hidden in the mouth?

Lips are but curtains
waiting to be pulled back

to reveal the big show... the smile!

And I just remembered,
I need you to stay late today.

Why? I can't stay late today.

Should I give this job
to someone who actually needs it?

Or are you gonna throw your little
chocolate friend at me again?

No.

The photos from the Sheraton Sushi Club
opening came out fantastic!

They're giving us four pages for the
Valdez store ribbon cutting ceremony.

These ceremonies
are always the same.

The same giant scissors,
the same red ribbon.

- Why can't it be different?
- You don't change tradition.

Traditions are traditions
for a reason... to be the same, always.

Can you please not break the mirror

with your pretty little finger?
Thank you.

What if we make the ribbon green...
for a change?

The ribbon can't be green... it's red.

Whatever. It doesn't matter.
I might not even be able to make it.

- What?
- I have another engagement.

Look into my beautiful olive green eyes,
Andrés. Andrés.

Promise me you're not doing
something weird and spooky.

We're a formal group now.
I can't just drop out.

Besides, do I even belong
in this chocolate world?

You belong! Chocolate runs
through your veins, my love.

What's happening here is that you're
obsessed with horror and your adoption.

If you keep neglecting your family,

they're going to cut you off.
Is that what you want?

Of course I don't want
to be exiled from the kingdom.

Alright, then... you have to attend
the ribbon cutting ceremony, Andrés.

Fine.

And because I know you're a visual
learner who's prone to being late...

You have to be
at the ribbon cutting ceremony

before the last grain of sand falls.

Fine.

Well... let's make love, I guess.

- Mr. Ulbrecht...
- Yes.

Your work focuses on found objects

that question the notions
of time and existence.

Yes.

Do you think something digital
can be found?

Yes.

And is the reframing of ideas
around creation integral to this?

Yes. Yes.

- Reynaldo?
- Renaldo.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, no "y".

Well, Mysterious Woman, everything
is set up and ready to go.

Very good. As the manager
of the Ferracuti fortune,

I wanted to make a request...

Ignacio Jr. must not win.

That selfish little brat never replied

to the fun emails
his father forwarded him.

I need a night full of spooks,
so do what you have to do,

but make sure he doesn't win.

Do this right and I shall be
a very happy customer.

Sorry, I couldn't get
out of work earlier.

- She was late to pick me up.
- I've been here all day.

I stayed here last night
after we set up.

I slept in the bathroom
of the master bedroom

because it was the biggest,
but didn't come out until just now.

Yes, well, those things happen,
I guess.

Very good. Let's get to work.

Now I'll go downstairs and say,

"Hello, and thank you for coming
to Mr. Ferracuti's house."

You need more drama and mystery
in that sentence.

How about you slowly descend the stairs
and say something like,

"Good evening, and welcome
to Don Ferracuti's mansion."

- That's what I said.
- No...

you said something like,
"Hey, welcome to the house."

- It's not the tone we're looking for.
- I understand.

Alright. Let's do it.

Hey, what's up? Welcome to the house!

Have her do it again.

One of you tonight will inherit
the Ferracuti handrail fortune,

if you survive the night.

What did she just say?
I didn't get a word of that.

So, who will it be? Will it be the nun?

The ambassador?

The nurse?

Ignacio's only son?

Or Pepito?

Who the hell is that?

- Pepito.
- I know this is against the rules,

but all in favor of kicking Pepito out
right now, raise your hand.

Follow me.

Welcome, come in. Come in.

Wait...

That's the nun from the orphanage

where I was found
in the middle of the night during a...

Yes. Okay, I think it's time
to do the scary butler.

That'll definitely scare Ignacio Jr.

- Where's the actor who's playing him?
- I didn't book the actor.

- Wait, why?
- Well, between my family problems,

Juan Carlos, the quest for my past,

and a little bird at my window that I
think is trying to tell me something...

- I didn't do it.
- No problem. I'll do it.

Also, one more thing...
I might have to leave early.

- Why?
- A family obligation.

You should stay until the end
if you wanna get paid.

Yeah, I still need to talk
to her about that.

About getting paid?!

Welcome to an evening
of horrors and frights!

- May I take your coat?
- Thank you very much.

And... Allow me to...

Best of luck... Thanks... not dying.

Prepare to die, Ferracuti!

And... let the games begin!

That was incredible. Great job!

It was a little overacted,
don't you think?

You already had a hunchback.
You didn't have to do much.

And then you broke character
and stood up before leaving.

Okay, well, you showed up late
without an actor,

and I was set up to fail.

I'm not an actor, and even if I was,

I would have never accepted this part
because it's out of my range.

If he's not an actor,
why did he do an accent?

What's your range?

So, you took care of Mr. Ferracuti
on his death bed?

Day and night.

That's nice. I hope you win.

And you, Sister, what would you do
with the money if you won?

I'd get tickets to see
the Pope in person in Miami,

buy some Versace and rosaries.
Lots of diamond rosaries.

- Sister Raquel...
- Yes?

I just want to say how noble it is

that you're competing
on behalf of the orphanage.

Sorry, what was that?

Well, I understand that if you won,
you'd donate the money to the orphans.

Yes, of course, the orphans.

Yes, yes, the little ones.
Yes, obviously, of course.

If you'll excuse me,
I need to use the restroom.

Gosh, I'm so scared! Excuse me.

Good evening, Sister Raquel.

Mr. Andrecito Valdez, you scared me.
What are you doing here?

Well, that's the big question, isn't it?

I should be
at a ribbon cutting ceremony,

but that'll have to wait.

I've been trapped
in a chocolate prison,

trying to get answers
from Father Francisco to no avail.

So now, I'll ask you.

What do you know about the night
I was found at the orphanage?

I remember that night very clearly.
There was a terrible storm.

I was watching TV when I heard a bang
on the door and the cries of a baby.

Then a voice said, "I have a baby.
Please come to the door

so I can hand him to you face to face."
I'm coming!

Who was it? Who brought me
to the orphanage?

Well, the telenovela was heating up.

It had just come back
from a commercial break,

so the plot was getting really juicy.

So, I said, "In a minute!"
In a minute!

and the voice said,
"Okay, I'll wait a minute or five,

ut then I have to go...
and I'll leave the baby here

and you'll never know
where it came from."

Yeah, yeah, okay, hold on!

I always think, gosh,
if it hadn't been the finale

or if the commercial break
had come a little bit sooner...

We would know
who brought you that night.

I hope that brings you clarity, my son.

This provides no clarity
or further insights into my past,

but thank you
for the beautiful flashback.

It seems the rumors are true...
this house is cursed.

When Mr. Ferracuti brought
handrails to this country,

he charged a fare to use them.

Those who couldn't afford it

would simply roll
down the stairs and die.

Some say there are
restless spirits in this house.

And now, for your next course...

It's me!

Tati's head! Tati's head!

That was awesome. I'm gonna let
my boyfriend know I did a good job.

Come on, guys, let's cool it with
the WhatsApp and focus on the mission.

- Hold on. Your boyfriend?
- They met online.

- Do you want to see a picture?
- Yes.

- Oh, no.
- Tati, we'll talk later.

- Focus. They're going to their room.
- Are we gonna do the bed trick?

Look, I gotta be completely honest with
you. I don't think we can pull that off.

We just failed at the most simple gag,
the head on a platter.

The ribbon cutting ceremony
is about to start. I have to go.

Why?

- I promised Juan Carlos.
- Did you forget that he sucks?

Are you seriously telling me
you're gonna leave our gig

for something
you don't even want to do?

Is this because we're not doing
the bed trick?

Of course
it's because of the bed trick.

And I know Juan Carlos comes off
as a jerk sometimes,

but he was so kind when we met.

It was raining, obviously,
and I was walking alone

when a tall and handsome guy
approached me

and said, "Hey! I have an umbrella.
Wanna share it?"

- So he shared his umbrella?
- Exactly.

He gave me shelter and protected me
from the elements.

And now some light spooks,
then we go hard on Ferracuti.

God, I f*cking hate these bangs.
I'm gonna k*ll Jessica.

What? They're getting
after work drinks?

I can't believe I'm not there.

Where's she going?

Is that a group of friends grabbing
beers for the first time in a while?

That's technically a party.

What if they take pictures?

And what if people see them and they say
"It looks like Melanie wasn't invited.

I guess she doesn't actually
know everyone."

No. That's okay.

You could stay in here,
and maybe... inherit.

- Or you could go to the party.
- Don't go. No, no, no.

Great. Another one left,
and it wasn't Ferracuti Jr.

Excuse me. I love what's happening,
but it's not what I asked for.

- Ignacio Jr. is very much still here.
- Yes, sorry, we're working on it.

Okay, well, I hate to ask,
but when are going to do that thing

where the guests run through the hallway

as a monster chases them
and the doors open and shut,

you know, that Scooby-Doo thing?

I wish we could do it,
but too many people have left already.

What a shame. Well, carry on.

- Maybe next time.
- Next time?

I'm going to finish washing
the dishes from dinner.

Okay, but like, let's get into it.

I'm having a really bad day today.

I was at Metro PCS and this woman
was talking to me like I'm a bitch.

You know... Dad, do not move!

I think we ought to... let's eat dinner.

I see. Even my own father's
gonna treat me like a bitch.

No... sweetie, I'm sorry.

Don't "sweetie" me.
Like I'm one of your side b*tches.

My what? Sonia, sweetie,
nobody is calling you a bitch,

and if it feels this way,
well, that is not my intention.

- I apologize.
- Look what you did to my poor mother.

She has to run away from her disgusting
husband because she's embarrassed.

No, I think it's because
you're screaming

- and shouting so much.
- No, I'm not.

- You are a little bit. I think there's-
- No, I'm not. I swear to God!

Damn. No one has been scared
by anything we've done.

Tati. Am I the only one
who cares about this thing?

Am I the only one committed
to Los Espookys?

You have to give them a reason
to be committed.

Show them this can give them
what they need. Be a leader.

Wow, that's great advice.

- What was?
- What you just said.

- I was talking about something else.
- What were you talking about?

I don't remember.

Cool. Thanks, Tati.

- Guys, I have something to tell you-
- I have to go.

- Did you ask about getting paid?
- Everyone calm down.

Maybe you haven't noticed, but I've been
a little on edge tonight.

Yeah, we noticed.
We've seen you biting your hair.

Right, when I saw you chewing
the third strand, I thought,

"Great, we're getting lectured."

Look, I lost track of what's important.

Guys, we need to have fun!

The Mysterious Woman wants us
to get Ferracuti out of the house, so...

we're gonna do the bed trick.

But you said it was impossible.

Well, it might be difficult,
but I think we can do it, no?

I've got everything ready.
It's just a matter of coordinating it.

See! There it is!
This isn't Valdez Chocolates.

You can do whatever you want here.

So we're going to leave
our client satisfied...

- With my idea.
- Exactly.

And I promise
we'll figure out the payment.

I feel so inspired! Nothing can stop me!

Sometimes it works.

Andrés, monitor Ferracuti's room.

You, get the rope
to tie the levers together.

Tati, turn on the red
and the two yellow ones.

- He just entered.
- Úrsula, turn on the projector.

- Please lay down on the bed.
- Okay, whatever.

Get ready for the switch,
on my mark...

Úrsula!

It worked! It worked!

Okay, stop it, stop it.
That's enough.

Can you hear me from hell, Father?

I never opened
a single one of your forwarded emails,

not a single f*cking photo slide show.

I've had it with your little games.
I'm leaving. You win.

We did it! We actually did it!

Úrsula, what you did was incredible!

See, Andrés, just like you envisioned.

- And Tati... hello.
- Hello!

We have a winner.

Tati, to wardrobe.

Esperanza... Esperanza, wake up.

Congratulations. You're the lucky heir
to the Ferracuti fortune.

Me? I don't deserve this.

I mean, I poisoned him.

- You poisoned him?
- Yes,

little by little,
over a long period of time.

He was so thoughtless.

He'd give all the other nurses
a little teddy bear with a balloon.

And me? Nothing.

Can't she be disqualified for this?

Technically, she won
the inheritance scare fair and square.

Well, my dear Espookys,
it's been a pleasure working with you.

The pleasure is ours,
Mysterious Woman.

Before we go,
we wanted to ask you something.

- Me?
- Yes.

Just as long as you don't want
any details about my personal life,

or how I ended up with this job,
or anything like that.

We just want to know your name.

- Dinora. Dinora Jueves.
- It's a pleasure, Ms. Jueves.

Andrés, do you have time
to make it to your thing?

No, but it's okay.

So I'll see everyone tomorrow
at the office?

- I got a lot of cool pictures.
- Nice, let's see.

Tati. Thanks for sharing.

Where did she get that witch hat?

- What are you doing here?
- Let's just say

a little bird heard
from a certain... mysterious woman

that you were
behind the inheritance scare.

Do you have a card?
I might be needing you one day.

WE'RE NOT GHOSTBUSTERS...
IT'S DIFFERENT.

- Espukys?
- Spookys.

Oh, honey, if you want
an international audience,

it's gotta be two o's.

- Wait, how did you get in here?
- That's classified.

Ugh, the green cards!
Just leave them,

they've touched the ground.
Now they've gone bad.

Until next time, Renaldo.

Hey!

What's up, man? Yeah, I came to your job
to find you, man.

Are you going around town
impersonating me?

I knew this day would come,
and I know what you're gonna say...

You're gonna say, "I'm tired
of being rich and famous,

and I want to escape for a little while

and trade lives with you
and see how the other half lives,"

but I have to tell you
I'm not interested.

I like my life as a valet driver.
I don't want to trade with anyone.

No, I was gonna say, "You have to stop,
or I'm gonna sue you."

Okay, yeah, sure. Yes.