01x03 - The Sea Monster

[bunniefuu]

Mommy!

Mommy!

Are you sure this is it?

Yes, this is the address in the email.

This is it.

No, it can't be. It's...

Pepito, yes, it's me. Surprise!

I lied. Come in, come in.

I don't want my monsters
to get all wet.

Let's see.
Come, let me warm you up.

That's it. That's it.

Of course, monsters don't get cold.
Always warm.

Are you thirsty?

I warmed up the glasses.

Take a seat.

No! No! Not there!

So, Pepito,
what do you need from us?

Why did you make us come
dressed like this?

Stay right there
so I can look at you.

So, tell me...

Were you all in the same egg?

You know what?
You could sit on her.

And wiggle a little like this
for warmth. Like this...

Ah... this is so embarrassing.

We just realized you're a pervert.

You called us
because you're a pervert.

- We have to go.
- But, no... wait...

- Goodnight, Pepito.
- Hey!

What kind of name
is Renaldo anyways?!

- Enough.
- Where is your "y"?!

Enough. Renaldo!

Why did you get so mad at Pepito?

As you know, my name is Renaldo.

But the name should be Reynaldo.
That's a real name.

But when my mom named me,
forgetful as she is,

she forgot the "y",

and I've been searching for it
my whole life.

In school, the kids made me
feel like a monster

because I was missing
a part of myself,

until I saw Bianca Nova's movie,
The Woman with No Eye.

Then I understood that missing
a part of me made me unique.

I had never seen you as a kid.
I like your little shoes.

How long have
you been working on that speech?

A long time.
Andrés helped me punch it up.

- You forgot the last part.
- Which part?

"The kids made you feel..."

Ah yes, the kids made me feel
like a monster,

so I embraced my monstrosity
through horror.

Please help us welcome Mark Stevens!

What's up, mi gente?
Make some noise!

And give it up for yourselves
for coming out today. My God!

Are you ready to change your life

and finally take control
of your future?

- Yeah.
- Yes!

Now, before Hierbalite, I was a waiter,

making minimum wage
and begging for scraps.

Today, I run my own business
on my own terms,

helping people lose, gain,
or maintain weight.

I'm my own boss,
setting my own hours,

and paying myself what I'm worth.

Wanna be me?

All you have to do is buy cases
of our nutritional products

and try to sell them
to your friends and family

while also cold calling a list
of vulnerable people

from a list of names
that you buy from us

and try to convince them
to do the same.

Look where I'm gonna live
with my boyfriend!

Tati...
Have you met in person yet?

No, we're exclusively chatting online,
but I know what he looks like.

Besides, absence makes the heart
grow fonder.

Of course. Wouldn't it be good
if you met in person?

Meet up with the love of my life...
I've never thought of that.

- What are you looking at?
- Well, after the Pepito incident,

I think we should try to find
our own gigs

instead of just taking any gig
that comes to us.

Look. "Mayor Teresa Lobos
comes to the city,"

"hopes to save her beach town
from lack of tourism."

I think a little horror
could help this town.

Come on, why are you bringing
Frutsi here?

Because he's not my problem anymore.
I'm moving out.

I'm part of a multi-level
marketing company now

where I help people lose, gain,
or maintain weight.

No, no, no, I've heard of this.

- It's a bad idea.
- Look.

No, no, no.
Listen to me, Beatriz.

A few years ago, I did what any
young artist type would do...

a cemetery photoshoot.

Are you sure you got permission
to do this?

Yes, I already told you.

If I sell these photos,
it will be good for both of us.

More. A little bit more. Come on.

The leg, the leg...

- and Úrsula...
- Hey!

sh*t! Let's go, let's go!

Get off my son's grave!

Julio! Hey, don't leave me here!

I'm going to sue you
for everything you've got!

Grave defiler! Get off there!

People will always want
to take advantage of you.

Hierbalite is a pyramid scheme.

A corporation that will steal
your soul's last breath.

Trust no one.

Well, I can trust corporations

because Mark Stevens
would never do that.

He's a successful man,
and rich people don't lie.

Let me tell you a bit about my town.

Our economy depends
on tourism, right?

And we had a big attraction
for many years:

a little owl with a wig.

But the wig got lost.
Maybe it fell in the ocean

because it was not well secured
with a bobby pin.

Every time I saw it, I'd say,
"Please pin it down securely!"

But I wasn't mayor then, you know?

So, when I was running,

I made a big campaign promise
to find the wig.

In fact, my slogan was,
"We will find wig!"

But I haven't had any luck.

I came to the city today
to visit wig shops

in hopes of finding
an identical wig, but no luck.

I'm gonna have to return
to my town empty-handed, you know?

It's not pitted.

Now, you said that you have
some sort of solution.

I don't have a wig for your owl,

but I can make you
a new tourist attraction.

Imagine rumors of a sea monster...

We missed you
at the ribbon cutting ceremony.

Juan Carlos tells us
you've been distracted

with spooky things lately.

What could more important
than family or chocolate?

Am I even a part of this family,

or am I just a beautiful orphan baby
you couldn't resist bringing home?

Of course you're a part
of this family, my love.

I'm sure he's very excited for me...

I mean, him, to be a part of the family
business. Right, my darling?

How great to have a boyfriend
who can always speak on my behalf.

Well, we have some
business matters to discuss

regarding our new
"Charlie Wonka" chocolates.

We received
a cease and desist letter.

It says "Charlie Wonka"
is copyright infringement.

They're just jealous.
It doesn't matter.

We still have "Mickey Moose"
and "Harvey Potter" chocolates.

Úrsula? A sea monster?

He's so distracted lately.

You have no idea how happy we are
that you're in his life.

Yes, and Valdez Chocolates
is so happy to have

such a closely ally
in Juan Carlos Cookies.

I think it's time
to secure this alliance.

And now, it's time
for everyone's favorite segment,

"Ask Gregoria."

First caller, you're on the line.

Hi, Gregoria! Is Satan real?

And have you ever been in love?

Satan is real.

In fact, he calls the studio
every day and I hang up!

And yes, of course, I'm in love,
in love with my viewers.

Next call.

Hi, Gregoria!
Where are you from?

- I was discovered on the beach.
- Sure, okay.

But I mean, where are you from?

- I was discovered on the beach.
- But what about before the beach?

I am Gregoria Santos from Mira Esto.

Andrés! Can I get a minute?

Give me your little
hands and listen to my voice.

I know we've been fighting lately.

We've been growing apart,

and I've been feeling tension
and resentment.

So... I spoke with your parents,
and we came to a solution.

We have to get married.

What do you think?
Will you marry me?

Good. I'll take that as a yes.
The wedding will be very long.

The vows will be very serious
with no jokes.

There will be a photo booth
with a big flash

and silly hats and mustaches

for the guests to have fun
in a designated area.

Isn't this wonderful, my love?
You and I genuinely falling in love?

Valdez Chocolates and Juan Carlos
Cookies becoming one.

It's too big for my little hand.

Okay, then you're gonna have
to make a little fist at all times.

Andrés, we have to go.
Can you talk later?

Can you give us a minute?
We're discussing love and business.

Juan Carlos,
I've always wanted to know,

were you named
after Juan Carlos Cookies

or were the cookies named after you?

Don't be stupid. Of course
I was named after the cookies.

Goodbye, my love. See you later!

So, you're engaged now?

I don't know. I'm thinking
about it. I told him "maybe."

Dude, you're wearing a ring.
Did you say "yes" or "maybe"?

I was very clear. I told him
"maybe" with my eyes, like this...

You can't keep making important
decisions with your eyes.

Don't marry him.
Sooner or later,

you'll find out something awful
about him.

Everyone is hiding something.

Just look at Tati over there
being catfished

by some weirdo
pretending to be a prince.

Úrsula, Tati's right here.

She doesn't listen
unless I say, "Listen".

Yes?

We'll talk
tomorrow night when we get back.

Tomorrow? How far is this thing?

The beach is four hours away.
We're staying the night.

Four hours? I told my boyfriend
I'd meet him in 20 minutes.

Tati, really?
I explained it in the email.

You're the only one who replied
and said "received, thanks!"

I received it, but I didn't read it.
You should have told me.

Tati, even if this was nearby,

there's no way we'd be able
to pick you up, pick up Úrsula,

pick me up, arrive at the beach,
set everything up, do the gig,

and be back in 20 minutes
for you to make your date.

Well, I'll ask him to wait
for me at the table.

Do you think they sell jeans here?

Let's make sure to use
the bathroom before we go.

You can put it on my tab.

- No, that's okay.
- I insist.

Well, thank you.

- You can leave my tab open.
- Of course.

There you go.

Thank you so much.

My friends are waiting for me.

That's too bad.
Until next time then.

MISSING

Tati, look at me.

Okay, it looks good.

- Can you breathe?
- Yes.

- Remember, you have to...
- I have to wave, yes, I know.

Wave, but don't scare the tourists.

- Okay.
- We want to attract tourists.

Yeah, I'll go like this:

- "Bang! Come to the town!"
- No! No!

Okay. "Come to town," yes,
"bang," no.

- Bang!
- No, no, not bang.

- Okay, here it is. Ready, Tati?
- Yes.

One, two, and...

- So now I go into the water or...
- Three!

Careful, Tati!

That way. That way.
Tell her to go that way.

Renaldo,
play the sea monster sounds now.

Goddamned Frutsi.

Hey, look!
Look, look, look. Come!

Hi, monster.

I'm gonna tell everyone I saw you.

What do you think, Tico?

So...

...we have to wear these...

sorta vests that have sparkles
on them...

No. What is...

...almost like a remote control.

Miss, are you okay?
Do you have a ticket for your car?

Why do you want to see my ticket?

So I can get your keys
to bring you your car.

You're obsessed with the ticket.

- Have you been drinking?
- Yes.

I can't let you get
behind the wheel like this.

I'm gonna call you a taxi.

No. Where will my car sleep?

I'll drive you.

- So, did you enjoy the movie?
- No!

People don't know
how to make movies anymore.

That's too bad.
What kind of movies do you like?

I used to make movies.

Beautiful, terrifying, guttural movies.

They just bled out of me
till they sucked me dry

and tossed me aside.

You make movies...
What is your name?

Oh, almost here.

Slow down.

- Here's fine.
- Here? Are you sure?

Have a good night, fella.
My name's Bianca Nova.

Wait, wait, no! Don't jump!

And why not?

Because... Look, then we have
to call someone to...

to come and pick up the body,
and then...

that person has to wake up
in the middle of the night

and drive all the way
down here, and...

There's nothing left for me here.

I'm a has-been.
I haven't worked in years.

No one remembers my movies.

That's not true.
My nephew loves you.

He and his friends.
They're obsessed with your movies.

You're a huge inspiration to them,

and they're a horror group.

What the hell is a horror group?
Do they do makeup?

They do makeup and prosthetics
and things like that,

and monsters, yeah.

Bianca, Ms. Nova,
you have to do another movie.

Perhaps your nephew's
horror group could assist.

SEA MONSTER TOUR

Alright then!

- What's this?
- Uhh... our payment.

Vouchers for Camaroncitos.
That place, look.

CAMARONCITOS A JUMP FROM THE SEA
TO YOUR PLATE

When are we gonna come all the way
here to eat at Camaroncitos?

- Well...
- Go get us cash.

I mean, the vouchers are money.

Yes, but the thing is,
we live four hours away...

That's not a problem
because they never expire.

Right, but my friends and I
were thinking

we could use money
to pay for gas and...

You know, Camaroncitos
is the best restaurant.

The menu has ceviches,
chicken fingers, pizzas,

hamburgers, hot dogs, french fries,

all kinds of sandwiches,
chicken with rice, chicken soup,

there's a "lite" menu
with a Caesar salad

with big chunks of chicken.

There's also Jell-O,
cheesecake, and much more!

You're very lucky
to have those vouchers.

- Yes, right?
- Of course.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Well?
- Well...

She says Camaroncitos
is the best restaurant

because they have pizza,
burgers, soups.

There's a "lite" menu with chicken,

chicken burgers, chicken sandwiches...

Fine, fine.

- It'll be the same amount each month.
- Each month?

You can't expect
tourists to keep coming

if the monster shows up just once.

Ah, yes. Sure, of course.

You bring the smile,
I bring the teeth.

Awesome.

Let's go.

Where's the chocolate prince?

He said he needed to contemplate
and went down to the beach.

Andrés...

Andrés! Dude, let's go! Tati has a date!

I can't believe
I'm running 23 hours late.

- I'll go fast, Tati.
- Thanks.

Red cape, white collar... okay.

Tati... Tati!

I'm sorry, you must be looking
for another Tati.

No, no.
It's me, from the chat room.

But you don't look
like your picture.

The cartoon prince?
I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.

I know I'm not a cartoon prince,

but you liked it so much,
I just went with it.

I didn't want you to be
disappointed with the real me.

You lied to me.

All this time, you pretended
to be someone else.

It's not like that. I'm not a prince,
but... I am a duke.

- He's too handsome.
- No, you know what you are? A liar!

No, Tati, let's talk.
Listen to me, please.

Are you Duke Felipe of Spain?!

Yes, yes, beautiful,
but I can't talk now.

- Tati, please, let's talk.
- Duke Felipe! Can we take a picture?

Sure, sure. Thanks.

Tati, please, let's talk.
Listen to me.

I'm not gonna give you
another second.

- In fact, I missed work for this.
- What? Work? My God...

I'm a human Fitbit, and at this point,

I have no idea how many steps
my client has taken.

- Tati, please, let's talk.
- Maybe five... or ten...

Alright, what stories do we have?

A spider at a tattoo parlor

is weaving a web
that looks like the Virgin Mary,

so people
aren't getting tattooed there

because they think the Virgin
doesn't like it.

I heard it, and now it's truth.
I'll report it tomorrow.

I heard about a sea monster
at the beach in Montepio.

We'll cover the spider story!

Gregoria, did you hear that?

The beach...

The beach...

Mommy! Mommy!

Gregoria! Did you hear that?
We'll cover the spider story.

And you're fired.

Frutsi, hold on.

Uncle Tico!

So, you won't believe what happened
last night. Something pretty crazy.

I met that director
you were talking about.

- The one that you like so much.
- Bianca Nova?

I told her all about you guys,

and she said she's working
on a project

and maybe she'll hire you
if you come to LA.

That's incredible, Uncle.

How did you meet her?
What's she like?

She's great. She's...

healthy and normal...
and levelheaded. No drama.

She said she's working
on a horror movie

and if I know anyone who wants
to work on it, please let her know.

Wow, Uncle! That's incredible.
I'm gonna call my friends.

Thanks, Uncle. Bye.

Did you hear that, Frutsi?
Bianca Nova!

Dear valued customer, if you
would like to add minutes...

Goddammit!

As you can see,
there's a dangerous cavity forming

on the lower left canine. This one.

Actually, Dr. Ricky,
it's the upper right canine.

You put the X-ray backwards.

Úrsula, can I ask you something?

- Who's the doctor here?
- You are.

And who's the low-level
dental assistant?

I don't have to take this from you.

Really? What are you gonna do? Quit?

You think you're gonna find
another job

that lets you wear flats
and act like this?

That's what I thought.

I quit.

Ugh, Pepito!

Tati.

Tati!

Tati!

- Welcome home, sister.
- What's all this?

After the breakup, I decided to focus
on myself and my future.

I've been lied to once,
and I won't be lied to again.

Beatriz told me
about this amazing opportunity

to make money from home

helping people lose, gain,
or maintain weight

through the teaching of Mark Stevens.

Where did all this stuff come from?

I buy it from Hierbalite
and resell it at a premium.

- How much did this cost?
- Two hundred thousand pesos.

What?!

I got the money
through their lending program.

They were so sweet
helping me borrow the money.

And thanks
to their flexible lending terms,

I don't have to pay it back
till the end of the month. Cheers!

Mm, tastes like cheesecake.

- Juan Carlos... my love.
- Everyone hates me!

It was just a dream.
Everyone loves me.

- What's up?
- I just remembered something.

Remember when you proposed?

I don't think I ever said no.

I got in the car and was like,
"Wait, I don't think that was clear."

So, I'm telling you, now,
at 6:00 a.m., before I forget:

- No.
- You're rejecting my proposal?

I can't believe
you're giving up all the work

we put into this relationship

just so that you have more time
to scare people.

Good luck finding another gay guy.

Hello, Andrés.