04x05 - The Great Baseball Card Scheme

[bunniefuu]

[RIK HOWARD & BOB WIRTH'S

"TOGETHER" PLAYING]

♪ Here we are, face to face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find ♪

♪ We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Making a go ♪

♪ Making it grow ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about

Those things ♪

♪ You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

Any sign of grandfather?

RICK: Not yet.

[BRAKES SCREECH]

[HORN HONKING]

Wait, a limousine almost

ran down the gardener.

Right on time too.

The way he's been complaining

about this vacation,

I'm surprised

he showed up at all.

You can't get him away

from business.

Remember when I urged him

to buy golf clubs?

Yeah. He tried to buy

Pebble Beach,

Augusta and St. Andrews.

He has to take this vacation.

The doctor said so.

Here he comes.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Grandfather.

Come on in.

RICK: Stay right there, okay?

All right.

[ALL CHEERING]

EDWARD: Huh?

How very festive.

Come on, you'll love Hawaii.

It's great.

The surfing is tubular.

That's why I packed

my second wetsuit.

See,

you're loosening up already.

I would rather stay here

and stay tight.

Well, you can get tight

on your vacation.

Come on, relax.

Oh, we got you some

great going-away presents.

Ah, you shouldn't

have wasted your money.

We're just happy

you're going away.

For a good time.

What is this?

It's a shirt.

Grandfather, you look so...

So with it, heh.

I look like the flag

of a banana republic.

And for when

you've had enough sun...

Grandfather, you look marvelous!

[EDWARD LAUGHS]

If you're gonna catch

that plane, we'd better go.

I have to call my office.

No, you don't call your office.

Come on, quit stalling.

You're going on your vacation.

All right. All right.

Don't forget your presents.

Here you go.

Come on, those hula girls

are waiting for you.

Richard...

am I standing on a carousel?

No.

Well, then I am

in very deep trouble.

Welcome home, Grandfather.

Doctor, will you

stop pushing me?

I can do this myself.

Who put that wall there?

We'll have it removed.

Are you okay?

Yes, I'm okay.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to call my broker.

No, Father. You just

got out of the hospital

for an att*ck

of high blood pressure.

It's not something

you should take lightly.

Whoa!

I want you to avoid business

of any kind for at least a week.

I don't even want you

to read about it.

Hooey!

Grandfather, you have

to listen to him, okay?

Look, I've listened

to his father

and to his father before him,

and I outlived them both.

And I shall outlive him too.

Out of my way.

Ow!

I think I hear my beeper.

Be sure to get plenty of rest.

I don't need any rest!

I was talking

to Edward and Rick.

Now, then,

put the phone bank there,

and my secretaries

can go in there.

There will be no phone bank

and no secretaries.

Let me go home then!

Oh, sure. Where you can

run over your servants

if they don't do what you want?

You'd be back in the hospital

in no time.

[YELLS]

[YELLS]

You're feeling better already,

aren't you?

Did I hear somebody ask

for some nice, hot,

homemade chicken soup?

No. Chicken soup is

for sick people.

No, it's for grouches too.

Come on, you'll love this.

Chicken soup is

supposed to be yellow,

not beige.

Where's the chicken?

This is broth, not soup.

You're supposed to eat it,

not review it.

And why is it cold?

Because you've been

studying it for half an hour.

There's no salt in it.

Kate spent all day making--

Edward, it's all right.

No, Kate, it's not all right.

Watch your tone, Edward.

You are not supposed

to upset me.

I will get you some salt.

That's woman's work.

Let Kate get it.

I don't think anyone

should get you salt.

It's bad

for your blood pressure.

Good thinking.

I'm going to help

the woman in the kitchen.

How contemporary.

Well, Grandfather,

what do you wanna do?

The Stratton resort is

filled with activities.

Well, for example?

Um, well,

we've got computer games,

chess, uh, TV.

TV? All right, let's turn on

The Wall Street Report.

The doctor said no business.

All right, then no TV.

Dynasty is gonna be on

later tonight.

Dynasty?

Isn't that the show

with all those

middle-class shenanigans?

No.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

No, let me get the door.

No, it'll give me

something to do.

Hey! Richard! Richard, help!

Hold on!

Richard! Richard!

Oh!

Okay. Under control.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Rick. What's going on?

Oh, I was just taking

my grandfather for a spin.

Look what I just traded for.

A of Dom DiMaggio.

Wow! Mr. Coffee's brother.

Wait till you see this.

A Whitey Ford.

This is worth a lot, you know.

And I got it for bucks.

If you sold this tomorrow,

you could double your money.

Uh, is this some form

of trading here?

Yeah, you try to collect cards

that are hardest to find.

And what establishes

the value of these cards?

A lot of things. The age

and condition of the card,

whether the player

got into the Hall of Fame,

how many cards are available...

Like when there's a sudden

shortage of soybeans, huh?

I don't know.

I don't collect soybeans.

I gotta go.

Does he talk about beans a lot?

No. Sometimes he talks

about pork bellies.

Poor guy.

See you.

Richard, is there a commission

that regulates trading

in these cards?

No, it's just

a bunch of collectors.

You mean it's an open market

with no government

interference, huh?

How enthralling.

And you like to trade

in these cards?

Are you kidding?

Look at this. Here it is.

A Minnie Miñoso rookie card.

Minnie Miñoso?

I didn't know

they had women players.

You're not much of

a baseball fan, are you?

No, but I did get to fire

George Steinbrenner once.

Look, I like your father,

but what kind of a guest

gives his host

a -page schedule?

That bad, huh?

[SIGHS]

At : a.m.,

he wants his shoes

picked up and polished.

Well, I'm not going to do it.

Why, are we out of polish?

Kidding, kidding.

And then,

after his bath is drawn,

he wants to have

his suit pressed.

Lucky he didn't ask you

to iron his money.

Look at page seven.

Kidding, kidding.

May I make a suggestion?

[GROANS]

We treat this with

the same patience and tolerance

as when your mother

visited last month.

Are you comparing

your father to my mother?

Ha! That's like comparing

apples and hand grenades!

My mother doesn't go around

making lists.

Your mother doesn't

go around making anything.

She just sits there.

She sits there because she likes

to stay out of the way.

Unlike a certain

Mussolini on wheels.

You calling my father

a dictator?

I wouldn't dare.

He might have me sh*t.

Hi. How's it going?

We're having

a little disagreement.

No, we're not.

We're having a big fight.

Aw, you guys!

Guess who, uh, wants to know

everything there is

about baseball cards?

Not my father?

It's all he wants to talk about.

Well, that's great.

Encourage him.

Keep him busy.

It might be good for him.

And for us.

GRANDFATHER:

Richard! Oh, Richard!

I told him the average

baseball player salary

was , a year.

He wants me to go out

and buy him a baseball mitt.

[LAUGHS]

How about that, huh? My father,

interested in baseball cards.

Maybe he's finally

mellowing after all.

And maybe President Reagan is

getting a gray hair.

Well, how's it going?

Richard, there is a time

in the life of every man

who's lucky and wise

when he suddenly sees a chance

for more success than

he has ever dreamed of before.

I have just found a way

to clean up in

the baseball card market.

[CACKLING]

Hold?

My dear young woman,

there are those who hold

and those

who put others on hold.

I am of the latter persuasion.

So get him right away.

Drat.

Well, I got them.

I went to every baseball card

dealer in New York, and look!

Gently! Gently!

Look.

Look at the sun

shining on

their pristine edges.

Beautiful.

You think Tommy Lasorda's

beautiful?

How many Lasorda cards

did you buy?

Well, all I could get was .

Why did you only get ?

Because that's all there were,

grandfather.

That's all there were.

And we've got them all.

[CACKLING]

Why do you keep

laughing like that?

That, my boy, is

the laugh of a man

who's known the joys of power!

And you, Richard, Lord willing,

will laugh like that one day.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Let's hope it doesn't

hit when I'm at school, though.

Hello?

Yes, he's here.

Peter Ueberroth?

It's Peter Ueberroth,

the commissioner of baseball!

Ueberroth?

Listen, about this rumor

about Tommy Lasorda,

about his being a shoo-in

for the Baseball Hall of Fame.

He's laughing hysterically.

So then you'll deny it

to the press, huh?

All right. Thank you,

Ueberroth. That'll be all.

Grandfather,

the only Hall of Fame

Tommy Lasorda is a shoo-in for

is for

the pasta hall of fame.

He's only played a few seasons.

Then who do you think

started this rumor?

I haven't heard any rumor...

until now.

So that when

Ueberroth denies it,

the newspapers

won't believe him.

Certainly my newspapers won't.

I don't get this.

Because you're not thinking.

Now, let us investigate

whether Mother Nature has

leapfrogged your father

and endowed you with

my genius for finance.

Now then...

what effect will this rumor have

on the price of baseball cards?

I suppose if people think he's

going into the Hall of Fame,

they'll wanna buy

his baseball card.

Continue.

But they can't buy the cards

because I bought them all.

That's right. Go on.

So people will be

desperate to buy them!

The bloodline is beginning

to assert itself. Go on.

And since we own

all the cards...

Yes?

...we can set whatever price

we want to!

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH CACKLING]

Kate, is the paper here yet?

Uh, it's on the chair.

Morning, Rick.

Oh, yeah. Hi, Kate.

What would you like

for breakfast?

I don't care.

Fine, you can have

what your grandfather's having:

a fresh lobster omelet.

It's here, Kate! It's here!

Listen to this! Listen.

"Baseball commissioner

Peter Ueberroth

refuses to confirm or deny

the rumor that Tommy Lasorda

will be voted into

the Hall of Fame,

leading to speculation

that the Dodger manager

is going to be a surprise choice

for the Cooperstown shrine."

Do you realize what this means?

No.

Oh, boy, I've got to tell

Grandfather.

Well, tell your

grandfather that...

Bob will be ready in minutes.

Sorry, Bob.

Omm...

Omm...

Dad? What are you doing?

Meditating.

Omm...

I never knew

you were into that.

I wasn't...

until my father

moved in with us.

Omm...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

Omm...

[SIGHS]

Alfonso, what's up?

Nothing much.

Why is your dad

sitting on the floor?

Heh, he's meditating.

I'm sorry.

I was wondering if you had

any Dodger cards to get rid of.

Oh. Any Dodgers in particular?

Not really. Uh, Duke Snider...

maybe Pee Wee Reese...

Tommy Lasorda?

Who?

Tommy Lasorda.

Lasorda?

Why would you want a Lasorda?

Uh, I'm collecting

left-handed Italian pitchers

who became managers.

Do you have any?

Gee, I might have one here.

Let me check.

Hmm, Lasorda...

Lasorda, Lasorda.

No, I'm afraid you're out of--

Oh! You're in luck!

I have one!

Great! How much?

Um...

Fifteen dollars.

Fifteen dollars?

For Tommy Lasorda?

Come on, we're pals.

This is a valuable commodity.

[MOUTHS]

Commodity?

All I've got is bucks.

See for yourself.

Okay. Toss the wallet in,

and it's a deal.

Can I have the picture

of my mother?

Okay.

And here's your Lasorda.

You're lucky I could find

the one card

you needed to complete

your collection.

Yeah.

Listen, if you want any more,

just let me know.

[CACKLING]

Ow, baby!

Rick-- Ugh.

Rick.

What was that all about?

What?

That. Taking advantage

of Alfonso that way.

You've got it wrong.

He was taking advantage of me,

pretending he knew

nothing about Lasorda.

I was just exploiting

market fluctuations.

Exploiting market fluctuations?

You sound like

your grandfather.

The bloodline

is asserting itself!

Heh, I've gotta tell him

our plan is working.

Wait a minute,

what plan is working?

Get this. Grandfather,

he started this rumor

Lasorda's getting

into the Hall of Fame.

You admire that?

Who wouldn't?

I wouldn't!

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello? Oh, hi, Freddy.

You wanna know if Rick

has any Tommy Lasorda cards.

Take my advice, put your money

in swampland in Florida.

I don't believe it.

In three days,

my father has converted

a generous, sensitive kid

into a ruthless shark.

And he's converted

an enlightened woman executive

into a fishwife.

I am not gonna let him

push me around anymore.

Oh, does he like his prunes

with the pits in or out?

In.

And he prefers

his lobster out of the shell.

You realize we're talking about

lobster shells and prune pits?

He's making us both crazy.

Look what he's doing to Rick,

he's turning him

into a clone of himself.

There must be

something we can do.

Think you could talk to him?

Yeah, but it could be

really dangerous.

Oh, you mean because

of his blood pressure.

No, because he

might run me over.

So, Richard, you don't think

your father appreciates

the dynamics of our

baseball card manipulation?

Not that I noticed.

I imagine I'll be

hearing his views firsthand.

Doctor, I'm glad you're here.

I have something

to say to my father,

and it just may upset him.

Is he well enough to handle it?

What is he saying?

Don't fall for

the old-man routine.

But it's probably best

I stay close by.

Quack!

I'll say this

as gently as I can.

Father, you're corrupting my son

with your immoral

business practices.

I think I hear my beeper.

Stay.

Edward,

what are you talking about?

Come on, you know

what I'm talking about.

You're turning Rick

into some kind of robber baron.

You mean like J.P. Morgan

and Vanderbilt?

He's actually flattered.

And you think

my loathsome morals

are contagious, huh?

Yes.

How come you never got them?

Let's just say I was lucky

enough to find my own way.

Don't you think Rick is capable

of finding his own way?

This is very strange.

What's wrong?

When Mr. Stratton gets excited,

his blood pressure

actually goes down.

Would you please keep arguing?

I'd be delighted!

With pleasure.

Quit teaching Rick

your dirty tricks!

I'm merely trying to pass on

my hard-earned knowledge.

It's amazing. His blood pressure

is going down.

And Dad's is going up!

Heh-heh.

The man must thrive on stress.

Mr. Stratton, my advice to you

is to go back

to work immediately.

Bless you, doctor!

Have you ever

seen this before, doctor?

No. This is gonna make

a terrific article.

In the American Journal

of Witch Doctors!

Keep that bile flowing!

Son...

Son?

Please, give an old man

the satisfaction

of sharing his wisdom

with his only grandson.

He's very good.

I'm not gonna stand here

and let you teach Rick

to cheat his friends.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Come in.

Hi.

RICK & EDWARD: Hi, Alfonso.

Remember what you said about

getting more Lasorda cards?

I have some friends

who might be interested.

These friends, they have cash?

Yeah.

There is a time to sow

and a time to reap.

When he starts getting

biblical, watch out.

Rick.

Alfonso...

my grandfather and I,

we set this whole thing up.

We bought

all the Lasorda cards

and we spread rumors

so people would want one.

Listen, here's your wallet back.

All right!

I get my wallet back

and sold the card for $ .

I made a profit of $ .

Please get in touch with me

when you graduate, young man.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get that.

Hi, kid.

Hello. You're Tommy Lasorda!

I know that.

You selling Dodger cookies?

No, I heard you wanted to buy

some of my old baseball cards.

My mother put a few away

for me in the garage.

There must be hundreds of them.

Wow! I'll take .

Uh, Mr. Lasorda,

by flooding the market

with these old cards of yours,

you've entirely eliminated

the value of our collection.

Yeah, but have you heard

the good news?

I'm a shoo-in

for the Hall of Fame.

[♪♪♪]