04x08 - Race with Eagles

[bunniefuu]

[RIK HOWARD & BOB WIRTH'S

"TOGETHER" PLAYING]

♪ Here we are, face to face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find

We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Making a go

Making it grow ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about

Those things ♪

♪ You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

I hate biology.

They're always showing

pictures of people

with their skins off.

If you think that's bad,

take a look

at this heart in a jar.

Yuck!

It says here

this is an example

of cardiovascular disease.

It says this disease

is easy to prevent

if you watch your weight,

don't smoke and exercise.

My uncle Dexter

does those things.

My dad does too,

except he hates exercise.

He's got this theory:

the less you use your body,

the longer it's gonna last.

Put it down.

Put it down. Put it down.

Oh.

I thought you wanted

this upstairs.

I did,

but, you know, I think

it looks perfect right there.

Need any help?

Well, now that you mention it--

There's nothing to it.

Shall we?

How come you always

give me the heavy end?

[GROANS]

Do you see what I mean?

Dexter was hardly breathing.

My dad was puffing away

like a steam engine.

Don't judge anybody

by my uncle. He's a fanatic.

He's training for

the Race with Eagles.

Race with Eagles?

What's that?

Next month,

they're having a race

up the steps of the Empire

State Building, stories.

Why?

To raise money.

It's to preserve eagles.

And k*ll people?

I hope not.

He's making me run with him.

The two of you

are running together?

Hey, wait a minute.

Maybe I can get my dad

to exercise that way.

RICKY:

Dad...

you love birds, don't you?

Yeah.

Except right after

I've had my car washed.

Wouldn't you hate

to see the bald eagle

go the way of the hula hoop?

You mean hanging in our garage?

Dad.

Sorry.

I'm as concerned about our

national emblem as the next guy.

Good. I want you to raise money

for the bald eagle

by running up the stairs

of the Empire State Building.

Couldn't I just

send 'em a check?

It's not the same thing.

Here's a chance to do something

patriotic for your country

and something for yourself

at the same time.

You mean k*ll two birds

with one stone, huh?

[LAUGHS]

k*ll two...

[CLEARS THROAT]

What's in this deal for me?

Well, you'll get in shape.

I'm in shape.

Can you do this?

The race isn't for a month.

I'll help you get in shape.

I know stuff about training

from soccer.

Well, son, see, the thing is,

a man reaches a certain age

where trying to get

his body in shape...

is pretentious.

We can run

this race together.

Dexter and Alfonso will be

in it. What do you say?

I'll tell you what,

I'll think it over,

and I'll get back to you.

That always means no.

Well, in this case

it means maybe.

I do care about wildlife.

It's not wildlife

I'm worried about.

It's your life.

Know what Rick wants me to do?

Enter a race

up the Empire State Building.

The inside or the outside?

Where do kids come up with

these crazy ideas?

Yeah, crazy.

It's funny how kids think

their fathers are so fantastic

that they can do anything.

What, you don't think

I can do it?

I used to be

a competitive skier.

Big deal. That was downhill.

[LAUGHS]

I think what Uncle Harry

is trying to say

is you haven't skied

competitively for a long time.

It hasn't been a long time.

It's only been...

years.

Hon, you can't run

a race like that on a whim.

Every day I read about some

middle-aged man overdoing it,

and, well, you know...

Croakin'.

I don't think I'm quite ready

for the trash heap yet.

There's a few good years

left in me.

Mm-hm, that's what they all say.

Right before

they clutch their chests

and nosedive

into their linguini.

That could ruin my dinner.

If it did happen,

would you get married again?

Before they could scrape

the clam sauce off your face.

And if you want to prevent that

from happening,

stay out of the race.

Dad, you're gonna

enter the race?

I might.

Oh!

You're not serious

about this, are you?

Sure, I am.

There's some spring left

in the old legs, huh? Ha-ha!

After spring comes the fall.

I'm gonna do it.

Great!

[CHUCKLES]

Well, at least

get a checkup first.

Okay, I'll go

to the medical center tomorrow.

When you get there,

do yourself a favor.

What?

Take the elevator.

[BOTH PANTING]

That was terrific.

Don't you feel great?

No.

All we've got left to do

is the stairs.

Oh, yeah, the stairs.

My favorite part.

Come on.

Okay!

I can't believe

I'm gonna race

up of these.

It'll be fun, Dad!

No, it won't, Rick.

Come on.

[GROANS]

Ready?

Okay.

Go.

Okay.

Okay, that's enough.

Uh-uh-uh, you still have to go

through the proper

cool-down exercises.

Right.

Yeah.

This is

my cool-down exercise.

Now, come on.

If you're gonna do this,

you're gonna do it right.

He's all yours, coach.

Oh, no.

Not the Terminator!

Oh.

Here you go.

Okay. Now...

just watch me.

Mm-hm.

Okay.

Are you watching?

I may be tired,

but I'm not dead.

And then, over

with a flat back,

all the way down, and hang.

Won't do any good

if you bend your knees.

Do you mind?

Well, you're just

cheating yourself.

You're doing fine.

You deserve a reward.

I'll get you some orange juice

and desiccated

liver powder.

Be still, my stomach.

Did I ever tell you

about One-Punch Murphy?

He had to fight

for the middleweight

championship of the Army

against a guy

years younger.

He was an underdog

just like you are.

And this story

has a point, right?

One-Punch worked out

day and night

just like you're doing.

I hope this has a happy ending.

No one thought he had a chance.

Two thousand people

in the stands

just waiting to see him fail.

And you know what happened?

What?

He got coldcocked

with the very first punch.

And that's how

he got his name,

One-Punch Murphy.

Thanks for

the pep talk, Harry.

Hey, you know something?

I feel pretty good.

Huh? My head is clear.

My lungs are strong.

Ha! I feel great!

Here's to

the Race with Eagles.

Forty-eight hours to blastoff.

Uh-oh.

What? What?

What are you looking at?

My neck is stuck.

Stuck neck?

Nothing to it.

I'll use

the Lowenstein maneuver.

[GROANING]

Harry, don't!

[NECK CRACKS]

Oh, that's much better.

Uh, are you all right?

No, honey, I can't move.

Would you call the doctor?

Oh, yeah.

Harry, what did you do to him?

Well, don't blame me.

Blame Lowenstein.

I came over as soon as I heard.

How is he?

The doctor said

it could be a lot worse.

But he'll be all right,

won't he?

[EDWARD GROANS LOUDLY]

[WINCES]

It's been like that

all morning.

[EDWARD GROANING, GRUNTING]

What are you doing?

Leg lifts. Ugh!

Wait a minute.

Ninety-nine... Ugh!

Ugh! One hundred.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Are you insane?

Isn't it bad enough

you've got...?

What have you got?

There's absolutely

nothing the matter with me.

Ugh.

Of course there isn't.

You'll just be the only runner

who uses handicapped parking.

All I had

was a slight muscle spasm.

Doctor gave me a sh*t and told

me to wear this for a day.

This thing will be gone

by race time, which is...

hours away.

[GRUNTING]

Listen, I'm gonna leave you

to this insanity.

Here. I bought you

a Merlin Olsen

"tough guy" bouquet.

Tough guy bouquet?

I'll put it

in some hard water.

Well, there's a lot to be said

for your perseverance,

but I'll be polite

and keep my mouth shut.

[LAUGHS]

I'll see you on

the observation deck.

Well, did you talk

any sense into him?

I tried, but that neck brace

seems to have cut off

all circulation to his brain.

He's non compos mentis.

What's that?

Wacko!

[EDWARD GRUNTING]

Ooh!

Can we talk?

Sure. Ooh!

Can we talk

with you standing still?

Oh, can't stop now.

What's on your mind?

I'm asking you, as your son,

don't go through with this race.

And I'm telling you,

as your father,

butt out.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have stair work to do.

I know why

you're doing this.

It's because Harry

called you a wimp, isn't it?

No, of course not.

He called me a wimp?

Well, I hope

you're not doing this for me.

I'm not.

Oh.

I'm doing it for myself.

Yourself?

What kind of reason is that?

It's personal.

Oh, sure!

If I wanna get my ear pierced,

then we can talk.

But you can run around

this house like a maniac,

and in a neck brace,

then it's top secret.

Sit down, son.

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

Never mind, son. Stand up.

I've never told anybody this

before in my life.

Then it really is a secret?

When I was at

Aspen Junior College,

I was on the ski team.

That's all?

No, there's more.

[SIGHS]

Our last meet of the season

was with our archrivals,

Boulder School

of Broadcasting.

It was down a ski run

they called

the Dreaded Kamikaze Cliff.

That sounds rough.

Thanks. And see...

a few days before the meet,

I was gargling,

and my neck got stuck.

Oh, you've had this

neck thing before, then?

That's right. I told

the coach I couldn't race.

Of course you couldn't.

You had a bum neck.

No, Rick.

The problem wasn't here.

The problem was here.

What was the matter?

All these years,

I've wondered

if I didn't just chicken out.

Dad, you'd never do that.

I don't know.

I think I was afraid

I couldn't handle that mountain.

Then don't think about it.

Can't help it.

I think about it

every time I gargle.

So this is like

a second chance for you.

You want to Race with Eagles

to prove you're not a chicken.

That's right.

And this time,

I'm gonna make it.

Go get 'em, Dad.

[GROANS]

Do you really think

it's a midlife crisis?

Classic case.

It could be worse.

He could be out there

chasing floozies.

Floozies?

You know, bimbos.

Great news!

He's dropping out?

Nope, he's gonna race!

Hot dog! The bets are on.

What bets?

Oh, I've just been

making a few friendly wagers

with the gardener

and the pool man,

folks like that, you know.

Oh, I can't believe

they would bet against Edward.

They aren't.

You're betting he won't win?

No.

I'm betting he won't make it

to the th floor.

If Edward goes in that race,

he'll make it to the top.

You're talking

out of love and loyalty.

If you weren't my favorite

niece, I'd take your money.

I'll bet you $ .

Nope.

It's against

my ethics and principles.

A hundred.

You're on.

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

Did you see how tall

this building is?

And it's all straight up.

Big building.

The bigger they are,

the harder they fall, right?

Edward, I wanna

tell you something

that Vince Lombardi

once said to me:

"There's no shame in quitting."

Harry, why don't we go

to the gift shop?

I'll buy you

a tiny Empire State Building

with a teeny gorilla on it.

I'd rather have Fay Wray.

Good luck.

Well, let's finish limbering up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[GROANS]

Excuse me.

Edward, there you are.

Hey, hi!

Dexter, what's with the hat?

I'll save a lot of time

on water breaks with this baby.

I'm gonna pretend

I'm with someone else.

Okay, let's go, folks.

Last call

for runners to line up.

Last call?

I never heard any first call.

Hey, do I tell you

what shorts to wear?

Okay, quick review

of the official rules.

Number one,

first one to the top wins.

Number two,

there's no gum allowed.

Okay, Dad, now let's start out

easy and then pick up the pace.

Pace. Pace, that's the key.

Uh...go!

[JOHN PARR'S

"ST. ELMO'S FIRE" PLAYING]

RICKY:

Dad, stop!

Stop!

Dad, you've gotta slow down.

Why? Hey, I'm doing great!

I could be on the verge

of a brand-new career!

Dad, you're just pumped up

from excitement, that's all.

You can't keep this up

for more floors.

Oh, yeah? Just watch me!

Last one up is a rotten eagle!

You'll be fine.

You just need to get

your second wind, that's all.

I used up my second wind...

going from that step

to this step.

Don't feel badly!

You did great for a beginner!

Isn't this stupid?

They're dead meat.

["ST. ELMO'S FIRE"

RESUMES PLAYING]

Thank you, mister.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Here's a step.

And another step.

Hey, look at this, a step!

Oh, Edward, this has

gone far enough.

Look, you're one step away

from falling over.

Sure, wimp out now.

Why couldn't you fall out

two stories back

so I could've made

some real dough?

What, is the air too thin

up here to do jokes?

Edward, let's go home.

No. If we hurry,

we can still catch up.

DEXTER:

Edward, where are you?

The race is over.

It's over?

It can't be.

Dexter, you won?

Uh, no.

Well, what's the trophy for?

Best costume.

Too bad you missed the buffet.

It was great.

But the speeches

went on forever.

Dad, we can go home now.

No.

I'm gonna finish.

Edward,

you don't have to finish.

Sixty-one floors is

enough for anyone.

On most buildings,

you'd be on the roof now.

Listen to them, Dad.

It's time to quit.

No.

Rick...

with or without you,

I am gonna finish.

This is not gonna be...

another Boulder School

of Broadcasting.

Oh, no.

He's hallucinating.

No, he's not. Come on, Dad.

Only more flights to go.

Twenty-five more?

That's the spirit.

["ST. ELMO'S FIRE"

RESUMES PLAYING]

Do you think they'll

ever get here?

Okay, that's it, folks.

Party's over. I gotta close up.

Oh, please,

just more minutes.

Give me a break, lady.

I got tickets to La bohème.

[EDWARD WHEEZING LOUDLY]

There, you see that?

The cleaning crew's

starting to vacuum.

That's not a vacuum.

That's Edward.

OFFICIAL:

Well, what do you know?

You're almost there, Dad.

You're almost there.

Yay!

Come on, Edward!

Come on, you can do it!

You can do it!

Come on, Eddie!

Come on.

That's it, Edward.

That's it. Keep going.

Keep going.

Keep going, Dad.

Dumb luck, Edward.

That's what it is.

Dumb luck.

No, Uncle Harry,

what it is,

is bucks you owe me.

[PANTING]

I love you.

Hey, Rick.

Yeah?

I want you to be first

to cross the finish line.

Okay, Dad. Okay.

Why?

Because that way,

you can catch me.

[KATE CHEERS]

You did it, Edward! Whoo!

Can we go home now?

Uncle Harry, can you

let Edward have his moment?

He's waited years for this.

We've been here that long?

OFFICIAL:

Hey...

I almost forgot.

Here's your trophy.

What?

Trophy?

Yeah, for coming

in last place.

Booby prize,

the Broken Eagle.

DEXTER: Speech, Edward!

ALFONSO: Speech!

Speech. Speech!

Come on, Dad.

Speech.

DEXTER: Speech!

I want to thank...

Rick...

for standing by me.

And Kate...

for believing in me...

despite certain...

loudmouth skeptics.

This is the proudest moment...

of my life.

[ALL CHEERING]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]