04x11 - The Barbarians

[bunniefuu]

♪ Here we are ♪

♪ Face to face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find ♪

♪ We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Makin' a go ♪

♪ Makin' it grow ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find

our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Takin' the time

each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things

You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

[♪♪♪]

Now, Grandfather, you're not

just gonna sit there and read

the stock reports, are you?

Why not?

We thought you might play

a game of Trivia Tease.

We have all editions.

Happy Yuppie, Stage & Screen,

World of Sports.

Have the business edition?

No.

Let me know when you do.

Is there any other game

you'd like to play?

No!

Too bad he's so wishy-washy.

[SIGHS]

[WHISTLING]

Richard.

I'm afraid you're finding

your grandfather

just a bit boring.

[SCOFFS]

Heck, no. You're not boring.

You're just...

tranquil.

What if I told you there are

times when I want to cut loose

and go absolutely crazy?

Go crazy? Come on.

What do you do,

go to a board meeting

without your vest?

Now, just once, I'd like

to see my father

walk in here and

say something like,

[IMITATING GRANDPA]

Edward,

did you see the article

in The Inquirer

about the three-headed

monkey?

What three-headed

monkey?

[NORMALLY]

There is no

three-headed monkey.

Well, that's The Inquirer

for you.

Hand me the Allen wrench.

That's the crescent wrench.

Here you go, Uncle Harry.

Oh, thanks.

The problem is, my father

and I have nothing in common.

What, does he know

something about tools?

Maybe it's my fault.

I haven't tried hard.

Oh, don't be so hard

on yourself.

In every family, there are

always people who don't connect.

Anybody in your family

you don't connect with?

No.

Dad, Kate, get this.

Grandfather belongs

to the Barbarians.

What's the Barbarians?

It's a very exclusive

private club.

They have this lodge

in South Carolina with a lake.

A lake?

Yeah! Grandfather wants to

take me with him next weekend

for their annual

get-together.

We're going on his

private jet.

Sounds terrific.

I can go, then?

I don't see why not.

Great.

Thanks a lot, Dad.

So tell me about

the Barbarians.

Secret club, secret members,

secret handshakes,

Meet out in some

secret forest.

What do they do?

I don't know. It's a secret.

Okay, well, now.

The garbage disposal

is now repaired.

Hmm, hmm.

Let me try it.

Huh. This, I'd like to see.

[DISPOSAL CRANKS]

How about that?

[DISPOSAL STOPS]

It's all in the fist.

Private club, eh?

I used to belong

to one

of the privatest clubs

you could belong to.

Plenty of fresh air, sunshine.

All the food you can eat.

Maybe you heard of it.

The U.S. Army?

[BOTH SNICKER]

I'm telling you,

We can have a million laughs.

at that Barbarian club.

Has anybody told you

how exclusive

this club of mine is?

Its members are

famous industrialists,

Powerful politicians,

Justices of the Supreme Court.

Yeah, I'd fit right in.

You think so?

Sure, I've been looking

for a club to join.

I need to hang out with guys

who fulfill my social

and intellectual needs.

Well, you'd better

get in touch

with Larry, Moe, and Curly.

[GROANS]

Leaving so soon,

Father?

I have a lot

of arrangements to make

for this coming weekend.

It was nice of you

to invite Rick.

Well, I'm glad

he was interested.

You never were.

Sure, I was.

You once described it

as a gathering place

of powermongers and

money-hungry philistines.

That was before

I knew you had a lake.

If I don't invite

you, you'll sulk.

If that's an invitation,

I accept.

All right, you may

come along, Edward.

Ha!

Three Strattons

off to have fun.

Isn't this great?

Yeah, it is!

Goodbye, boys.

Bye-bye.

See you this weekend,

Father. Bye-bye.

You know, I haven't been away

on a weekend with my father

since I was years old.

Where did you go?

New Hampshire.

He had to foreclose

a mortgage on a summer camp.

These are the wild

and crazy Barbarians?

[NEWSPAPER CRINKLES]

[ALL SHUSH]

You want some cheese?

What kind is it?

: .

Can you die from boredom?

We're about to find out.

[GRANDPA LAUGHING HEARTILY]

Oh, that Grimsby.

He surely tells

some knee-slappers.

Father, isn't that

Senator Platt?

Goofy?

Goofy?

That's his nickname,

which he's richly earned

through his wild

and rowdy exploits.

Fun's only just begun.

Don't tell me. We're gonna

see who has the lowest

Social Security number.

You swear

not to tell anybody

about anything

that you hear

or see here tonight.

Trust me.

I wouldn't tell

anyone about this.

Well, tonight...

After many years

of patient waiting,

I...

am to break...

the plate.

Break the plate?

Oh, boy, we're gonna

have a food fight!

This is much better.

Well, it's

after : , Porky.

Any minute now, huh?

Soon as Skippy

gets here.

[CHUCKLES]

Who's Skippy?

Skippy is the youngest

member of our club.

He is the bearer

of the plate.

Down, bow.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

That's Skippy!

That's Skippy?

He's young enough

to be Goofy's son.

Sir...

The plate.

[PLAYING "TAPS" OFF-KEY]

ALL:

Hey!

[ALL CHEERING]

Everybody, down to the lake

and jump in!

[ALL CONTINUE CHEERING,

WHISTLING]

[FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING

OVER BOOMBOX]

Did someone spike

the cocoa?

Ollie ollie

oxen free!

ALL:

There goes the rabbit!

Get him!

[TRUMPET BLARES]

Those guys sure know

how to enjoy themselves.

Where do they get

those games?

"Fling your dentures

across the lake"?

Yeah.

You know, grandpa's got

a pretty good arm.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[BOTH SIGH]

It's been quite a day.

It's getting late.

We'd better get

some shuteye.

Yeah.

We're gonna need it if

tomorrow's anything like today.

I've got first dibs

on shower.

Okay.

Great.

I still got SpaghettiOs

stuck in my hair.

[CHUCKLING]

Excuse me.

Dad, come here.

Take a look at this.

Holy cow.

[MOOS]

Wait till Grandfather

sees this.

GRANDPA:

You're a knucklehead!

A crazy, wacky

knucklehead!

Hi-di-ho.

[GIGGLING]

Father, there's someone

waiting to see you.

That's my hat.

Now they have thrown down

the gauntlet.

That settles it.

This means w*r!

Waaar!

[♪♪♪]

[OBJECT FALLS]

[SCREAMS]

Uncle Harry.

You scared me

half to death.

You scared me half to death!

You're dressed

like a burglar.

Why are you dressed

like a burglar?

[WHISPERS]

I can't tell you.

Where are you going?

I can't tell you

that either.

Harry, are you working

for the CIA?

I know, you can't tell me

that either.

Look, trust me.

Everything's

going to be fine.

I've got a jet

waiting for me.

A jet?

I never said the word "jet."

I never said

anything of the kind.

If you say I said it,

I'll deny it.

Anyway, I gotta go

and catch it.

[♪♪♪]

What we've got

planned here

could be one of the most

sensational capers

In the entire annals

of the Barbarians club.

I have one question.

How can you be so sure

it's Senator Platt?

Motive! He's never forgiven me

for what I did to him.

That's right,

you refused to support

his last presidential bid.

Worse.

Last summer, I stapled

his socks together.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

I'll get it.

Wait a minute.

Password?

RICK:

The ticker tape

takes its toll

when times are tough

in Toronto.

Tough test.

Now then, what have

you got to report?

Well, Senator Platt may have

been booked into Cabin ,

but his Rolls is parked

in front of Cabin .

How do you know it was his?

By his bumper sticker.

It says,

"I brake for no one."

That settles it.

He was at the bottom

of that cattle caper.

Now, Edward, the map.

The map!

Now...

Uh-huh.

What we have to do

is to get

from this cabin here

to his cabin here.

Yeah. the sticky part is,

how do we get across that road?

It's lit up like

a Christmas tree.

We can sh**t out

those lights.

I got it. I'll sabotage

the main generator.

Why don't we go

where there's no lights

and cross right there?

That's another choice.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Who is it?

It's me, Harry.

Password?

Open the door.

It's freezing

out here.

Close enough.

I got everything

you need.

I got your clothes.

Thanks, Harry.

Your monkey wrench,

your rope

with your pulleys,

your screwdrivers,

your hacksaw,

and your bill.

You owe me $ . .

w*r profiteer.

Pay him, Edward.

You know something?

This reminds me

of my greatest commando raid.

June, .

Target: h*tler's bunker.

Harry, we're on

kind of a tight schedule.

So were we.

Ike had asked me--

Harry.

Oh, yeah, sure. What do

you want me to do first?

Go home.

Home?

This is

a family matter.

A jet will

whisk you back.

Well, it just

whisked me here!

Uncle Harry,

having you on our side

Would be

an unfair advantage.

The opposition

wouldn't stand a chance.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah. I'll go

and check with them.

Now, wait a minute!

Only kidding,

that's all.

Now, then, men.

We have a big job to do.

We're the ones

to do it. Right, men?

Well, I...

I don't know...

Right?

BOTH:

Right!

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Shh! Shh!

[♪♪♪]

[THUDS, CLATTERS]

[GRUNTS]

[GASPS]

Wh-- What's that?

Who's there?

[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

[♪♪♪]

You keep

a lookout, okay?

[CONTINUES MUTTERING]

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

[MUTTERING]

Shh.

[MUTTERING]

[GROANS]

[MUTTERS]

Ahh.

[♪♪♪]

[WHISPERING]

Piece of cake.

[WHISPERS]

As easy as

one, two, three.

You know,

I've been thinking.

It may not have

been the senator.

It might have been Grimsby.

Grimsby?

Yeah, it could have been

Judge McDonough.

He's never forgiven me

For putting hay

in his shredded wheat.

May I propose a toast?

A toast.

To my fellow members

of the Barbarian Club.

May each of them

find his own bush.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I still can't believe

that my grandfather,

the head

of Stratton Industries,

Could swipe

all these toilets

out from under their noses.

It wasn't exactly

their noses.

[CHUCKLES]

A toast to my father,

who, after years

of stuffiness,

Showed that he

can be silly putty.

[CHUCKLES]

My son.

[GROANS, LAUGHS]

Ooh, they should be

back real soon.

Who cares?

Uncle Harry, you haven't

been yourself

Ever since you went

on that CIA mission.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Hi!

Hi!

Rawhide!

Rawhide!

Whoa!

[BOTH SHRIEK]

Stay away from me!

[LAUGHING]

Hi, honey!

Hi, hon.

Well, guess there's

no need to ask

how your weekend was.

We can't tell you!

You see, we're sworn

to secrecy, Kate.

[EDWARD LAUGHING]

How was your weekend?

Well, that's

a secret, too...

Between me and

the Dallas Cowboys.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey, Father!

Hello, Grandfather.

Richard, you forgot

your camera.

Oh, thanks.

Take better care

of your possessions.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm sorry.

BOTH:

Rawhide!

Get away from me.

Now then,

Have you two lost

your decorum?

What?

You're behaving like a couple

of schoolyard brats.

Yeah, but

we thought, since...

That's your trouble.

You don't think.

Good day, Kate.

Goodbye, Grandfather.

What is wrong

with him?

What do you mean,

what's wrong?

Seems like the same to me.

That's the problem.

He's acting like

his old self again.

Yeah.

Looks like he's back

to civilization.

Well, at least

we got to see

a side of him

few other people get to see.

Mm-hm.

They can't take

that away from us.

I sure wish I knew what

you two were talking about.

It's a picture that

will stay with me

for the rest of my life.

My father, in a loincloth,

With a spear.

BOTH:

Porky!

KATE:

Edward!

Rick!

What is this?

It's just a cow.

In a homburg.

[♪♪♪]