05x02 - Lost and Found

[bunniefuu]

[RIK HOWARD & BOB WIRTH'S

"TOGETHER" PLAYING]

♪ Here we are, face to face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hopin' to find

We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Makin' a go

Makin' it grow ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Takin' the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about

Those things ♪

♪ You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons together ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way

We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

[♪♪♪]

Honey, relax, your grandma

has our address.

Well, she should've

been here by now.

I should have listened

to Uncle Ned.

He said this trip

would be too much for her.

Oh, come on, you said yourself

your Uncle Ned's a nerd.

But she's coming

all the way from Ohio.

It's a safe trip now.

We signed a peace treaty

with the Mohawks.

You're right.

I'll relax.

I think I hear her.

I'll check.

[HUMS]

If that's your grandma,

she's got a good arm.

I just wish she'd let us

pick her up at the airport.

She wouldn't even tell us

what flight she was on.

Is she always that independent?

Always.

She once b*at up a Boy Scout

for trying to help her

across the street.

Hi, guys, Bye, guys.

See you later, okay?

Wait. Where are you going?

To a movie.

Without checking with me?

Or with me?

Shouldn't you stay until

Kate's grandmother arrives?

I have to check with her too?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Finally.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, it's only you.

I'm sorry. It's the best

I can do on such short notice.

Here are the papers to sign.

Oh, thanks, bud.

I'm sorry, Dexter.

It's just that I thought

you were my grandmother.

Kate's expecting her

grandmother, and she's nervous.

Because Uncle Ned wants to put

her in an old folks' home.

He doesn't want to put

her in an old folks' home.

He wants her

to move in with him.

She tends to forget things

and get in a little trouble.

Sounds like Alfonso.

Maybe Uncle Ned

could have him instead.

You know, it's hard to picture

Grandma needing anyone's help.

This is a woman

who can take a tractor apart

and put it back together again.

My kind of woman.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I got it.

Hey, Mr. Fay.

Oh, it's our next-door neighbor.

I may have something

that belongs to you.

She kept hugging my wife

and calling her Kate.

Grandma?

Grandma! Ho-ho!

We'd have kept her,

but we have one of our own.

Oh, let's sit down.

You must be tired.

Why? I took a plane,

I didn't walk.

You must be Edward.

[CHUCKLES]

Somehow I thought

you'd marry someone

a little taller.

[KATE LAUGHS]

No. No, this is our friend,

Dexter Stuffins.

Hi, I'm so pleased to meet you.

If I have trouble with

my tractor, I'll call you.

Okay.

Bye, Dex.

Oh, don't tell me.

No. No, I'm not Edward

either. I'm Rick.

Oh. My, my,

you're big for your age.

How old are you?

I'm .

Eh, don't worry.

You have time to grow.

Uh, this is Edward.

Oh...

[CHUCKLING]

See anything you like?

Ooh!

[LAUGHS]

Looks and a sense of humor.

[GIGGLES]

I'd keep my eye on him.

[LAUGHS]

Uh, why don't we sit down?

Can I get you a cold drink?

No, I just had a beer next door.

Grandma, I'll take

your bag upstairs, all right?

And then I'll go

to the movies, right?

Wrong.

So, Grandma Mildred,

it's your first visit

to New York.

Oh, yes. I can't wait

to see the Big Apple.

Let's have lunch tomorrow

in Central Park.

Oh, Edward and I have

to work all weekend.

Why don't we take you next week?

That's okay.

I'll go by myself.

Uh, Grandma, I don't think

that's a good idea.

Now, you don't have to worry.

I go a lot of places by myself.

Grandma, in New York,

policemen don't

go by themselves.

We'll go anywhere

you want next week.

There's all kinds

of things to show you,

the Statue of Liberty,

Metropolitan Museum,

art galleries...

Grant's Tomb,

Greenwich Village,

Staten Island Ferry.

You name it.

Heh, well, you know what

I've always wanted to see?

What's that?

Those cute little cable cars

that go up and down the hills!

[♪♪♪]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

All right, let me guess.

It's Alfonso.

You're wearing a green--

No, no, no, red sweater,

and you're carrying

a basketball.

Wow!

How'd you do that?

Heh, I looked out the window.

Good trick.

Get your sneakers.

We're going to the park

to play b-ball.

All right-- Oh, I can't.

I've gotta stay here.

Arlene Dennison said

she might come by

and sh**t a few hoops.

Man, I'd love to go

one-on-one with her.

But I can't.

My parents ordered me

to stay home

with Kate's grandma.

You're kidding.

What are you gonna do,

watch her take her nap?

Nothing that exciting,

I'm sure.

Can't you call your folks and

tell them something's come up?

Forget it.

You don't know what it's like

to deal with people

who won't listen to reason.

Rick, I live

with my Uncle Dexter.

Right. Right.

But even with him, you have

to sometimes lay down the law.

Come on, you've never

laid down the law with Dexter.

Sure, I did. That's why

I got grounded for nine weeks.

Well, bye.

See you.

By the way, say hello

to Arlene for me.

No way.

[SIGHS]

Where were you, Grandma?

Oh, heh, I was out gardening.

I cut down all those old bushes

out there by the pine trees.

Well, that's not our property.

Then I'll send them a bill.

It's a beautiful day.

Why aren't you outside?

You've seen one beautiful day,

you've seen them all, right?

Besides, I love hanging

around my house.

Oh, heh. Got stuck

babysitting me, huh?

No, come on, I'm not stuck.

You wanna watch television,

walk in the garden,

play cards?

Think I could stand

all the excitement?

What would you like to do?

I'd like you to go outside

and play with your friends.

Just because I have

a couple of gray hairs

doesn't mean I need a keeper.

Well, yeah, but...

Oh, you'd think

I'd get used to people

telling me what I can

and can't do, but I don't.

Boy, I know what you mean.

I can't even go to a movie

unless it's PG...

and I've done my homework...

and it's not on a school night.

Yeah, I have to listen to a lot

of rules and regulations too.

From Uncle Ned, huh?

Oh, it's hard being old.

One day you're changing

your kid's diaper,

and the next day

he's puffing on a pipe

and telling you

how to run your life.

You want a soda?

Yeah.

Wouldn't it be great

if we could

do whatever we wanted

whenever we wanted?

Like go to a movie.

Or a circus.

Yeah. Or a rock concert.

Yeah.

Or a male strip club.

I'm only teasing, heh-heh.

Sort of.

Grandma, what would

you do right now

if you could do

anything in the world?

If I wasn't stuck with you?

Right.

Well, all my life

I've dreamed

of going to New York

and seeing the Rockettes

at Radio City.

You're kidding.

No.

I've always thought that would

be the height of glamour.

You know, when I was young,

I used to sneak out

into the barn at night

and do high kicks

in my underwear.

I'll bet the cows loved that.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but cows love everything.

Listen, Grandma, why don't

you and I go see the Rockettes?

What?

Come on, we'll go right now.

You sure you wouldn't be bored?

Me, bored by chorus girls

in skimpy outfits?

I'll suffer through it.

What are we waiting for?

All right!

Oh, wait a minute.

We should leave a note

for the warden.

What should I say?

Tell the truth.

Say we're mad as [BLEEP]

and we ain't

taking it anymore.

[♪♪♪]

I don't know

how you can defend Uncle Ned.

I'm not defending him,

but what's the harm

in him making a few calls?

A few? He was on the phone

throughout the day,

every minutes.

He's trying to get you

to talk Mildred

into coming to live with him.

Shh!

[WHISPERS]

I think it's nice of him.

It isn't easy, having

an older person living with you.

Well, not at first,

but I've gotten used to you.

[IMITATING OLD MAN]

By cracky, mwah!

That's a knee-slapper.

Mwah-ha-ha!

Shh. She'll hear you.

[IN REGULAR VOICE]

I don't think

she hears that well.

What?

Rick took her into the city

to see the Rockettes.

They went in alone?

Honey, will you stop worrying?

Rick's a big boy.

What could happen?

In New York?

You want a list?

Oh. Hi, Dad, Hi, Kate.

Oh.

See? Nothing to worry about.

Boy, did we have

a good time. Heh-heh.

Grandma Mildred, guys,

she had the time of her life.

Rick, this person

who had the time of her life,

is she anywhere around?

Maybe you'd better sit down.

What?

Maybe I'd better sit down.

Rick, where's Grandma?

I'm not sure.

What's that

supposed to mean?

Well, I kind of...

lost her.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

You lost her?

How do you lose

a grandmother?

I don't know, Dad. I just did.

It's not like she's a wallet

or a set of keys!

We'd better call the police.

I already did, Kate.

They took a description

and told me to go home.

I'll call the manager

at the music hall.

I did that too.

He took a description

and told me to go home.

Well, I've gotta do something.

Honey, sit down.

That's a start.

You lost her?!

We were waiting in line

outside the music hall,

and first thing I knew,

she was gone.

You shouldn't have let her

out of your sight!

I didn't take my eyes off her,

not once.

It's all my fault.

I should've listened

to Uncle Ned.

Come on, guys,

let's look at the bright side.

Remember the time

I lost my hamster?

Grandma isn't hiding

under the house.

Dad, that's not what I meant.

What I mean is, we're gonna

find her, heh...eventually.

[GROANS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Yeah, hello.

Oh, uh... Hi, Uncle Ned.

Hi. Heh.

Your Grandma Mildred?

Well, she's, uh...

She's, uh... She's, uh...

She's having

a wonderful time.

Gosh, it's hard

keeping up with her.

What?

He said to turn on

The Phil Manning Show.

It's Grandma Mildred!

KATE: I can't believe it!

Oh, thank God

she's all right.

And I used to sneak

into the barn at night

and do high kicks

in my underwear.

Oh, no.

Uh, Uncle Ned,

we'll call you right back.

So, uh, what exactly

are you doing here?

Well, you silly man. Ha!

You picked me out

of the audience.

Don't you remember?

Ha! I mean...

I mean, here in New York.

Oh. Well, I'm visiting

my granddaughter

and her new family.

And looking for fellas. Heh!

Are you married, Phil?

Uh, well, uh, yes, I am,

but, you know, that

doesn't have to stop us.

Oh!

Oh!

[CHUCKLES]

Phil, I'm an old-fashioned girl.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Guys, she's great!

You know, I usually cut this off

for the next guest,

but why don't we

consult the audience?

Now, what do you say?

Should I interview Mildred...

or Don Johnson?

AUDIENCE [CHANTING]:

Mildred! Mildred! Mildred!

Ha-ha! Okay, sorry, Don.

I guess you're just

not big enough.

Information? Yes.

Manhattan, please.

Do you have the number of

The Phil Manning Show?

So, uh, how has it been,

visiting your granddaughter?

Oh, great.

She's changed so much.

Ah, she's just

all grown-up, huh?

She doesn't stutter anymore.

I have never stuttered.

I mean, she doesn't know

what she's t-t-t-- Saying.

Did I tell you I used to go

with Ronnie Reagan?

You mean, you know

President Reagan?

Oh, we went to

grammar school together.

Ooh, he was a wild one.

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

I always thought he'd wind up

in the medical profession...

always wanting

to play doctor, heh!

Um... We'll be right back

after a word from our sponsors.

Just hold her there.

We'll come right down and

get her. Thank you. Come on.

Yeah, we'd better

get there before Nancy.

She's not here!

I can't believe they'd just

let her wander off like that.

Excuse me.

Are you the producer?

I should be. I've been on

the show for three years.

Well, maybe you can help us.

If I can't help, no one can.

You know that

little old lady on the show?

That was my idea.

I spotted her in the audience.

Oh, thank goodness.

Someone here

knows what's going on.

That's me. Nothing happens here

that I don't know about.

You know where she is?

Who?

The little old lady.

Hey, I got

more important things to do.

I got a show to run.

Where's my sandwich?

I'm starving.

Uh, coming right up,

Mr. Manning.

EDWARD:

Maybe Phil Manning can help.

He seems like such a nice man.

Uh, Mr. Manning, um,

maybe you could help us.

We're looking for--

Who let these people in here?

No, you don't understand.

Hey, guard! Guard!

That lady you were--

Some people!

Bring me a sandwich,

will you? Come on.

Hi, Rick.

Oh, Amy. Uh, hi. Heh.

Amy, these are my parents.

Hi.

Hi.

Did you find your grandmother?

Not yet.

Oh, you must be worried sick.

I hope you're not

too mad at Rick.

It was as much

my fault as his.

Pardon?

Well, it happened

when Rick was writing

down my phone number.

Your phone number?

And my address.

Anyway, when we looked up,

she was gone.

Didn't take your eyes

off her, huh?

For a second. She has

a very, very short address.

Well, I have

to get back to work.

If I see her,

I'll let you know. Bye.

See you.

She seems very nice.

Yeah, she is.

Too bad you won't be allowed

out of your room

for the next two months.

Oh, no.

Uncle Ned is right.

I tried to avoid facing it,

but after today,

I don't see any other way.

What are you talking about?

Grandma Mildred needs somebody

to take care of her full-time.

You want to put Grandma

in an old folks' home?

[♪♪♪]

Dad, Michelangelo was

still painting at the age of .

They didn't

put him in a home.

What about Don Ameche,

George Burns?

Okay, I think

you made your point.

But there is no reason--

Please, Rick,

I'm worried enough about

how we're gonna find her.

Find who?

Grandma!

She's here!

Well, sure I'm here.

Where were you people?

I was getting worried.

Where were we?

Yeah. Did you see me

on television?

Yeah, we did.

You were very, very good.

Come on. She was terrific.

Did I have enough rouge on?

You looked beautiful.

Uh, Grandma,

why didn't you call?

Gee, I thought I did call.

No, you didn't call, Grandma.

Hm. Well, that nice

Mrs. Wallgreen

let me use the telephone.

Or was it Mrs. Greenwald?

Uh, Grandma,

I've gotta talk to you.

I've spoken to Uncle Ned.

I don't want

to talk about Ned.

He wants me to spend the rest

of my days in a porch swing

with a bunch

of old, dried-up geezers.

No, he doesn't.

He wants you to live

with him in his house.

I'm talking about his house...

and all his

old, fuddy-duddy friends.

They don't understand me

like you three.

You appreciate me.

I had more fun today

than I've had in years.

Oh, it was such fun

watching those Rockettes!

♪ I want to be a part of it ♪

♪ In old New York ♪

Whoa!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Whoo!

Whoo.

Honey.

You have to be firm.

Uh, Grandma,

this isn't easy for me,

but I... I've given it

a lot of thought.

I've decided...

you're gonna

move in here with us.

Kate--

[TIMER BUZZES]

MILDRED: Oh!

Excuse me.

Way to be firm.

Well, I couldn't let her move in

with the fuddy-duddies.

I don't think she

wants to move in with anybody.

Us, Uncle Ned,

or the fuddy-duddies.

Rick, you don't understand.

Grandma cannot

take care of herself.

Grandma...

One second.

Whee!

[BOTH LAUGH]

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm making

your favorite dinner.

Veal parmigiana?

It will be ready in minutes.

Hey, hey.

Something smells good.

No kidding.

Stay away from the stove.

Hollandaise.

Yeah?

Go sit down over there.

Look at this.

Asparagus, new potatoes,

hollandaise, salad.

Yes.

And apple strudel

for dessert.

Now, get out of my way.

Grandma, let me ask you

a little question.

How exactly did you get home

from Rockefeller Center?

Oh, well, uh, I took a cab

to Pennsylvania Station,

the train to Long Island,

a bus to the grocery store

and another cab home.

And you did that

all on your own?

Well, don't act so surprised.

Just because my memory

isn't what it used to be, I...

I can remember the names

of all the kids

I went to school with,

and I can't remember

what I had for lunch today.

You didn't have any lunch.

Oh. See what I mean?

Just because people can't

always remember things

don't mean they can't

be independent.

I like having my own apartment

and being able to go

when I want, where I want.

But, Grandma--

I know, dear. I know.

You're just trying to help,

and so is poor Ned.

And someday I may

need looking after.

Who knows?

I may enjoy spending time

with some of those

old geezers on his porch.

But not yet. Understand?

I guess so.

Now, where do you

keep candlesticks?

Uh, in the buffet.

Oh.

Oh, sweetheart,

thank you for the offer.

It's nice to know

you'll be here when I need you.

But not until

I decide I need you.

Edward, where were you?

You're supposed to sign

the Herbert account papers.

You want 'em right away?

Yes!

I left a message.

Don't you guys check

your answering machine?

I guess we forgot.

We haven't checked it all day.

MILDRED [ON RECORDING]:

Hello. This is Mildred.

I got separated from Rick,

but I'm sure

he's going to be fine,

so I'm going to see

the Rockettes

and then The Phil Manning Show.

I'll be home about .

Toodle-oo!

Boy...

I guess we kind of

misjudged her, didn't we?

We sure did.

I guess you kind of

misjudged me too, huh?

No.

You're not serious

about grounding me?

Yes.

You lose

one little grandmother...

Oh, excuse me, folks.

Mildred, we all want

to tell you something.

Yeah, but, Edward--

No, no, wait.

Please, this is important.

You know,

all of us feel like

we've kind of

underestimated you.

No, no, no, I didn't.

Me neither.

Guys, please.

Yeah, but, Edward, the table--

Well, we'll eat in a minute,

but this is important,

and I want you to know it,

that we all know now

that you're perfectly capable

of taking care of yourself.

Thank you. Is that all?

Yes.

Do you have

a fire extinguisher?

Whoa!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]