05x14 - The House Guest

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Here we are

Face to face ♪

♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪

♪ Hoping to find

We're two of a kind ♪

♪ Making a go

Making it grow ♪

♪ Together

We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together

Taking the time each day ♪

♪ To learn all about ♪

♪ Those things

You just can't buy ♪

♪ Two silver spoons

Together ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ We're gonna find our way ♪

♪ Together ♪

Stratton fakes left...

Fakes right. Stratton pivots.

[DOORBELL CHIMING]

Stratton answers the door.

[GROANS]

Hey, Brad.

Hi, Rick.

I was leaving for

basketball practice. Wanna come?

I can't. My uncle d*ed.

It's a real bummer.

Oh, man, I'm sorry to hear that.

Were you close?

I never met him.

Well, then why so down?

Well, my parents are flying

to Chicago for the funeral,

and I gotta stay

with my Aunt Bessie.

Not the one who clicks her teeth

in time to Lawrence Welk?

She thinks Bruce Springsteen

is an orthopedic mattress.

Ooh!

I mean, I'm going to be

cooped up with her

in this teensy-weensy apartment.

I mean, it's nothing

compared to this place.

Then again, hey,

what could compare to this?

Once you get back--

I mean,

with all these extra rooms...

No!

No, no, no, no, no. Wait

a minute. You can't stay here.

And why not?

Don't you remember the last time

you stayed overnight?

Brad, it wasn't even overnight.

My dad was so sick of you,

he drove you home

by in the morning.

Well, look,

that was the old Brad Langford.

I've matured since then.

That was two weeks ago, Brad.

Hey, please, Rick.

Hey, it'd be an act of faith

in friendship if you swung me

a pass at the Stratton Hilton.

Okay. Look, Brad,

I'll go talk to my dad,

but don't get your hopes up.

Hey, thanks man. You're a pal.

What a guy! What a friend!

Right.

EDWARD:

What?!

It would only be

for a couple of days, Dad.

Rick, don't you remember

what he did

in the garage

last time he was here?

Dad, come on. You were gonna

paint your car anyway.

What about the time

he set off the smoke alarm?

Dad, it was an accident.

Rick, you don't read

under the covers by candlelight.

Dad, please?

Come on, son,

we can't have

a house guest now.

I'm up against a deadline

on these production schedules.

Dad, he says his aunt lives

in a one-room apartment

with nine cats.

Yeah, and-and there's been

a death in his family.

Was Brad involved in any way?

Sorry.

Well, you should be.

All right. All right.

He can stay,

but no reading in bed, and I

don't want any major disasters.

All right.

Wonderful!

Hey, Brad, guess what?

Yes, Richard?

My father says you can stay.

Oh, thank you, sir!

You won't be sorry.

Aah! Ooh! Aah!

[♪♪♪]

[BRAD GULPS, THEN SIGHS]

Hey, Mr. Stratton,

you gonna eat that chop?

Well, actually, I was--

Thanks!

My, you have

quite an appetite, Brad.

You should see him

when he's hungry.

Well, I find I can get more down

if I don't chew.

Well, honey,

that was delicious...apparently.

Well, Kate, I'll help you

clear up the dishes.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey! Not so fast.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Letterman's

really cookin' tonight, huh?

[SIGHS]

Of course, he is, Brad.

He doesn't have to get up for

school at tomorrow morning.

Oh, Beach Blanket Bingo's

coming is on.

Frankie Avalon

is my favorite actor.

Brad, don't you ever get sleepy?

No. Must be my metabolism.

I could cram a whole night's

sleep into just a couple hours.

Well, do me a favor.

Please start cramming.

Hey, look, if you wanna

go to sleep, just say so.

I wanna go to sleep.

Ah, you're just saying that.

Boy, I'm starved this morning.

Where are the eggs?

Brad ate them.

[SIGHS]

Where's my cantaloupe?

Well, he said he needed

something to mop up his yolk.

Where's the juice?

The human vacuum cleaner

got that too.

I'll just have cereal.

But not today.

Relax, hon. I mean,

it's his last day.

He goes home this afternoon.

I'll restock the house.

We'll be back to normal.

I can't wait!

Yeah.

Boy, you two sure do

a lot of that, don't ya?

Morning, Brad.

Yeah, morning.

Oh!

Brad!

What's in the basket?

Oh, my laundry. I did it myself.

I didn't wanna be a bother.

Oh.

I even did some of your stuff.

Uh...

Is this your sweater?

Oh, no, my Louis Ramon!

Yeah, that's the one.

Look at it.

Ought to fit real

terrific now, huh?

Maybe I can stretch it back out.

I think Kate's a little upset

with you, Brad.

Hey, I just wanted

to do something nice

for the people

who are nice to me.

Here, I got your morning paper

off the lawn.

The Armenian Gazette.

We don't take this paper.

That's what the guy was yelling

out the window next door.

[SIGHS]

Well, I-I took out the trash.

Thank you.

I-I got everything.

The kitchen, the bathrooms,

papers off the library floor.

That was very nice of you--

The papers

off the library floor?!

Yep!

You threw them away?

Every single one of 'em.

Brad, that was

my production schedule

for our new line of toys.

I was laying them out

for the printer.

Okay. Okay. No problem.

They're right outside.

Man! Who can sleep

with the garbage truck

making all that noise?

Oh, no!

What's with him?

He lost some papers.

Well, today's your last day,

huh, Brad?

Yeah. Yeah, we had fun,

didn't we?

Oodles. Heh.

Hey, wait. Brad,

isn't that my shirt?

Yeah, well, it's a little snug,

but it goes great

with these pants.

Those are my pants!

Yeah, I didn't think you'd mind.

Well, I do mind, Brad.

Take them off right now.

Hey, okay, okay.

No problem.

Brad, I don't mean here.

I mean upstairs.

All right.

Ah, it's too bad.

I was gonna leave a buck

in the pocket.

It's hopeless. It's ruined.

Brad?

I actually had to fight the

garbage man to get this back.

Brad?

Need you ask?

How could one kid

mess up so much?

Practice, practice, practice.

How does he find time

to mess up,

considering he eats

hours a day?

And the other four,

he flosses in front of you.

Shh! He's right upstairs.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yeah? Hello?

Yes, operator.

I'll accept the charges.

Brad's father.

Hello, Mr. Langford.

We were just talking

about your son.

Fine boy.

How is the funeral?

Uh-huh.

Well, how long does it take

to contest a will?

That long?

Well, sure.

We'll be glad to let him

stay a little longer.

But, yes, I'll be glad

to tell him.

Uh, fine. Bye.

How long?

Well, they're having

a little trouble.

How long?

They're contesting a will.

They're bringing in a lawyer.

How long?

At least a week!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Kate, come here, quick!

What?

Look, food!

Oh, Brad must still be sleeping.

Quick, let's eat it

before he gets up.

Has anyone seen Brad?

No. Quick! Eat!

Dad, I'm serious.

He's not upstairs.

Well,

isn't he still in bed?

He is nowhere upstairs,

and his bag is gone.

His bag is gone? Uh-oh!

What uh-oh?

Suppose he overheard

our conversation yesterday?

Suppose he did?

All we said was...

Oh, boy.

I never should have

mentioned those things

about the way he eats.

Now I feel awful.

No, guys. I'm the one

who should feel guilty.

I complained the most

about him rooming with me.

Yeah, and about how he's always

taking your clothes.

No, I'm the one

who jumped all over him

for throwing my papers away.

If anybody is to blame, it's me.

Yep, it's Dad.

No question about it.

Wait a minute.

As I recall,

all of us had

a few things to say.

Come on, Dad. You're wasting

time passing the buck.

Brad has run away,

and we've gotta find him.

He's right.

Yeah, I get it. All right.

Just stop and think.

Now where would you go

if you were in Brad's shoes?

That's not gonna work.

Why not?

Because he's wearing my shoes.

[♪♪♪]

I don't believe it.

We've covered every inch of this

town and no sign of Brad.

And-and none of his friends

have seen him?

Kate,

I checked with both of them.

I still don't understand

why the police won't help.

Because they don't consider

a person missing

until he's gone hours.

Don't they know how much damage

that kid can do in hours?

Hi.

Brad!

Hey, where were you guys?

I had to make my own snacks.

Brad, where were you?

In the kitchen.

No, he means before that.

Oh, I was at hockey practice.

Hockey practice?

Yeah, I had to be there

at a.m.

It's the only time

we can get the rink.

Why didn't you tell us

you were leaving at that hour?

I didn't wanna wake any one up.

Well, that was very considerate,

but we were all

worried about you.

Sorry. Look, tomorrow morning,

I'll try and make more noise.

Hey Rick, you wanna go upstairs

and watch The Three Stooges?

That Curly's my favorite actor.

[IMITATES CURLY]

Hey, Mo!

Brad, I-I'll pass.

Your loss. Woo-woo-woo-

woo-woo-woo-woo!

Whoo! What a relief.

Yeah, no kidding.

Well, I am starved.

Boy, scouring that city

really builds an appetite.

You hungry?

Yeah.

I think I'll have something.

Yeah.

I'll have some of that too.

Oh, no!

Looks like the Russian calvary

came through.

No, just their horses.

And this was just a snack.

Eew!

Remember when I said I take back

all those things

I said about Brad?

I take that back.

Oh!

No, I'm serious, honey.

Look at this mess.

The way he threw out my papers,

any dummy

knows the difference

between important papers

and trash.

Who fries blueberries?

The same guy who dries his socks

in the microwave.

No wonder his folks

don't wanna come home.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Brad, how long have you

been standing there?

Long enough.

[♪♪♪]

Yes, Sergeant Tollen, the kid

we're looking for is about .

And he has

sort of messy brown hair,

and he's wearing an old t-shirt

says "Brain Dead."

Yeah, and he-he's got

a-a hole in his jeans,

and, uh-- Oh, yeah,

he's wearing three earrings.

No, all in one ear.

Why do you mean

why do we want him back?

Look, sergeant, I happen to be a

very important taxpayer, and I--

Hello?

Well, what did the police say?

Call back in hours.

You have any luck?

No, he's not in the guest house,

and he's not in the green house.

Did you check the toolshed?

Well, he wouldn't go in there.

It's full of spiders.

Did you guys have any luck?

No.

Uh, me neither. Dad, Kate,

I looked everywhere.

Did you check all the places

I told you to check

when we thought Brad was

missing, and he wasn't missing?

Dad, I checked everywhere,

including the places

I didn't check

when he wasn't missing.

Can't say we didn't check.

Edward,

I'm really starting to worry.

I get scared thinking of Brad

out there all alone

and tired, hungry.

Brad, hungry?

Well, that is scary.

Oh, honey,

I'm just as worried as you are.

But I can't help feeling

once he calms down,

he's just gonna come back.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

See?! Ha-ha-ha!

Oh!

Uh, Mr. Langford,

what a surprise.

Hiya, kid.

Dad, Kate, Mr. Langford,

Brad's father is here.

Well, Brad told me your old man

was loaded, but this...

[WHISTLES]

Uh, hi. I'm Rick's old man,

and this is his...

Don't say it.

...stepmother.

I'm Danny.

My friends call me Slick.

Dad, I'm gonna go upstairs

and make a few phone calls.

Yes. Son, good idea.

You do that, yeah.

Uh, please, come on in,

Mr. Langford.

Uh-uh-uh. Slick.

Slick.

Whoo!

No wonder toys

are so overpriced,

when you have to shell out

for a place like this.

Listen, about Brad.

Who?

Your son.

Oh, yeah, sure.

What's he done now?

Nothing.

I kinda find that hard

to believe.

You know, Mr. Langford...

Ah!

Slick. Heh-heh.

Um, we were just

about to call you in Chicago.

We thought you were

contesting the will.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know,

good old Aunt Arlene

tried to pull a fast one.

But I threatened

to sue her buns off,

so she backed down.

Nice how families pull together

at a time like that.

You know,

they wanted me to go easy,

because everybody

was still in mourning.

But I said, what's the big deal?

If you're dead, you're dead.

That's life.

Now let's divvy up the loot!

Yeah, Alfonso,

I'm glad I caught you at home.

Listen, Brad is missing.

Yes, again.

Alfonso, it's not funny.

Look, Brad may not be perfect.

He is annoying

and a real pain in the butt,

but he is a human being.

You're laughing again.

Come on, Alfonso. He's my

friend. Would you quit it!

BRAD:

Thanks!

What?

BRAD:

For sticking up for me.

Brad?

You found me.

Brad,

this is a stupid place to hide.

But it worked, didn't it?

I apologize for those things

I said in the kitchen.

I didn't mean them.

Then why'd you say 'em?

Because I was mad.

When people get mad,

they say things

they don't always mean.

What do you mean?

You know we were

worried sick about you.

We looked all over town for you.

You did?

Where?

The movie houses,

the arcade, the mall.

Why'd you go through

all that trouble?

Because we care about you,

you moron.

See, there you go

calling me names again.

[BOTH YELL]

[CHUCKLES]

Look, man, the next time

you spend the night...

Yeah, I know, I know.

I got out of line.

I did a lot of dumb things,

like,

you know,

ruining Kate's sweater

and throwing away

your dad's papers

and breaking your Walkman.

Brad, those papers...

You broke my Walkman?

[SCOFFS]

Well, it works if you jiggle it.

Um, Brad,

your dad is here at last.

Come on. Help me pack.

Right.

Not only that,

on the flight to Chicago,

the stewardess charged me

$ for the headset.

The nerve of her.

But it comes out to two bucks

if you slip it into your pocket

and use it on the way back.

We'll keep that in mind.

Well, getting back to, uh,

what I was talking about

about Brad...

Uh, you see, Brad is...here.

Brad!

Oh, Brad, sweetheart!

You're here!

What is this, The Waltons?

Are we glad to see you!

Yeah, we're really sorry

about the things we said.

Hey, that's okay, Mrs. S.

We all get thoughtless

and insensitive at times.

Hey, hey, hey, kid!

Hey, hey, hey, Pop!

I brought you something back

from Chicago.

Some playing cards.

Wow! American Airlines.

Thanks, Dad!

Give me five!

Oh! Ha-ha-ha!

He kills me!

I wanna thank you

for letting him stay here.

He wasn't too much trouble,

was he?

Trouble?

Well...

At times, it was like

he wasn't even here.

Yeah.

[HORN HONKS]

Oh, that must be your cab.

That's just the wife.

Keep your shirt on! I'm coming!

Your wife has been in the car

all this time?

I left the windows open.

Kid, take a banana

to your mother.

Hey, man, thanks.

You're a real friend.

Nah, don't worry about it.

Let me take this for you.

Hey, you don't have to

walk me out.

I'm not.

I just wanna make sure

that you're really leaving.

Bye-bye!

Bye, Brad.

Bye, Brad.

Well, heh-heh...

it was certainly a pleasure

to meet you at last, Danny.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Listen, thanks for keeping

an eye on the kid.

Oh, anytime.

Really?

My wife and I are planning

a little anniversary trip

next month.

I'll keep you in mind.

Well, we'll be

looking forward to that.

Give us a call.

All right.

[CHUCKLES]

Give us a call?

Have you lost your mind?

Hello, operator, yes,

who do I talk to

to have our number changed?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]