04x09 - Immortimas Patrol

[bunniefuu]

[ACAPELLA THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING IN DISTANCE]

[MATCH IGNITES]

[METAL CLANKS]

[GLASS CLINKING]

[FIRE CRACKLING]

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOROTHY] ♪ Immortimas ♪

♪ Yes it's Immortimas ♪

♪ There's absolutely nothing sus ♪

♪ About today ♪

[GASPS] Good morning, Sex Ghosts!

[SEX GHOSTS] Good morning, Dorothy!

Happy Immortimas Day!

[ALL] ♪ Immortimas ♪

♪ We raise our voices in harmony ♪

♪ It's Immortimas Day! ♪

[MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO]

Whoa! [GRUNTS]

[GROANING AND STRAINING]

Casey! I told you to use the front door!

Then how would you be the first person

I wish a happy Immortimas to?

[BOTH SQUEALING IN EXCITEMENT]

Come on, let's get some breakfast,

before Cliff eats it all.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[JANE] ♪ We celebrate Immortus
and the day she was born ♪

♪ From the time stream
to our heart strings ♪

♪ It's Isabel we adore ♪

♪ Oh, thank Immortus ♪

♪ I've got no one to answer to but me ♪

♪ And I'm so blessed with this circus ♪

♪ My found family ♪

♪ And your neighbor, Casey ♪

Morning, Dorothy!

[CASEY] Happy Immortimas Day!

[DOROTHY] Happy Immortimas Day!

[ALL] ♪ It's a beautiful day! ♪

♪ Everything is Isabel's way! ♪

♪ She can do no wrong ♪

♪ She's the subject of this song ♪

♪ All we do is love and obey ♪

♪ On Immortimas Day! ♪

♪ Good morning, Sex Ghosts ♪

♪ Wrap up your foreplay ♪

♪ It is time for us to celebrate ♪

♪ My favorite holiday ♪

♪ Made brand new sweaters ♪

♪ For all my Doomies ♪

♪ Back me up, you sexy ghosts ♪

♪ And cover up your boobies ♪

[ALL] ♪ Praise Immortimas Day ♪

- ♪ I'm giving my ♪
- ♪ She's giving her ♪

♪ Sweaters away ♪

♪ You'll be snug as a bug ♪

♪ For the price of one hug ♪

♪ One measly hug ♪

♪ One lingering hug ♪

[CHUCKLING]

Good morning, Sex Ghosts!

Have you had your morning f*ck?

You know we did!

Holy moly!

This is the softest sweater
in the whole darn world.

Look at us, we look fantastic!

♪ I can almost taste the ham... ♪

You're being weird, stop
stroking your sweater.

[LAUGHS]

♪ I'm a lucky man ♪
♪ Life couldn't get any better ♪

[ALL] ♪ It's a beautiful day! ♪

♪ Everything is Isabel's way! ♪

♪ She can do no wrong ♪

♪ She's the subject of this song! ♪

♪ All we do is love and obey ♪

♪ On Immortimas Day! ♪

[ALL] Vic! Welcome home!
Detroit's finest is back!

Happy Immortimas all!

Deric sends gifts to unwrap.

[VIC] ♪ Praise Immortus ♪

♪ The robotics program is a hit ♪

♪ Two kids were awarded
scholarships on merit ♪

Larry! Your sweater's getting cold!

And, you're missing all the fun!

[EXHALES AND GRUNTS] Good morning, Keeg!

Happy Immortimas!

♪ Today's a special day ♪

♪ I can't wait for them to see ♪

♪ How happy we'll all be ♪

♪ , and Keeg, and me ♪

♪ I have never brought a suitor home ♪

♪ Can you believe it? ♪

♪ Well finally we're not alone ♪

♪ How about this cable knit? ♪

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

If only I had a uniform
I could wear every day.

I wouldn't have to make these decisions.

[ALL] ♪ Born Isabel from Cloverton ♪

♪ Our savior's story's just begun ♪

♪ When she fell into the timestream ♪

♪ It opened up her mind, see ♪

♪ In Orqwith they assembled her soul ♪

♪ Brought her back and made her whole ♪

[CHUCKLES]

♪ It's a beautiful day ♪

♪ 'Cause it's all Isabel's way ♪

♪ Immortimas Day is
where we all belong ♪

♪ We love and obey ♪

♪ And all sing along ♪

♪ Nothing is weird ♪

♪ Everything's fine ♪

♪ We're all okay ♪

♪ On ♪

♪ Immortimas Day! ♪

[SONG ENDS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Rita says we have to put up
the Birth of Immortus display.

- Ugh!
- [GIGGLING] Come!

[SIGHS WEARILY]

Why do I always get stuck doing
the worst Immortimas Day jobs?

I wouldn't say stuck.

Seems kind of fun.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] How
do you stay so positive?

I can't help it. It's Immortimas Day.

The happiest day of the year!

Yeah.

Then why do I feel like something's off?

Maybe your inner self is
trying to tell you something.

Hearing any voices in your head lately?

[CASEY CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
That'd be pretty weird.

Yeah, let's get to work.

[ROCK GUITAR RIFF PLAYING]

♪ Hey, am I doing this right? ♪

♪ I can't remember if the dinosaur ♪

♪ Goes in front or behind ♪

♪ Now I'm reeling ♪
♪ What's this feeling? ♪

♪ It's like warm butterflies ♪

♪ What could it be? ♪

♪ Am I doing this right? ♪

♪ Hey, am I doing this right? ♪

♪ It should be easy to be cheesy ♪

♪ But I'm lost in the night ♪

♪ It's like I'm feeling
something's missing ♪

♪ Or it's just out of sight ♪

♪ What could it be? ♪

♪ Am I doing this right? ♪

[BOTH] ♪ It's like I'm
falling through space ♪

♪ Is it all in my head? ♪

♪ I pray for a sign ♪

♪ Is she the key? ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Have I been flung
from the timestream? ♪

♪ I am the blow up man ♪

♪ And the blow up man is me ♪

♪ Hey, am I doing this right? ♪

♪ I don't know What I'm looking for ♪

♪ But I'll see what I find ♪

♪ If I reveal what is real ♪

♪ Do you see think she might ♪

♪ Say that she feels ♪

♪ The same way inside? ♪

♪ Could she be the one? ♪

♪ This was kind of fun ♪

♪ I'll never know if
I don't take a chance ♪

♪ I'm looking for answers ♪

♪ She's a pretty good dancer ♪

♪ She is in my heart ♪
♪ It's out of my hands ♪

[BOTH] ♪ It's like I'm
falling through space ♪

♪ Is it all in my head? ♪

♪ I pray for a sign ♪

- ♪ Is she the key? ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Have I been flung
from the timestream? ♪

♪ What could be missing? ♪

♪ Would it be cool if it was me? ♪

- What?
- What?

Nothing. Uh, was that too much?

- Were you saying something?
- Hmm?

Oh...

Sorry. Never mind.

I... I've got to, um...

- Yeah!
- Oh!

[INHALES] Hmm...

[RITA CHUCKLING] Laura.

There is so much to do

before Immortus comes to dinner.

Well, if she comes.

When she comes, everything
needs to be perfect.

Well, it will be, with you in charge.

We'll get it done together because...

♪ We're the perfect team ♪

♪ Immortimas with you is a dream ♪

♪ Thank Immortus for
this blessed sisterhood ♪

♪ What's not to love ♪

♪ We've got peanut brittle ♪
♪ Happiness, and hugs ♪

♪ Who knew life could
ever be this good? ♪

♪ You're like meat ♪

♪ You're like cheese ♪

♪ Put 'em together ♪
♪ Charcuterie ♪

♪ We are best friends ♪

♪ Just two best friends ♪

♪ We never ever fight ♪

♪ But if we did ♪
♪ We'd both be right ♪

♪ We are best friends ♪

♪ You're one of a kind ♪

♪ For you I'd travel space and time ♪

♪ 'Cause that's what it means to be ♪

- ♪ Best friends ♪
- ♪ Best friends ♪

♪ Best friends ♪

♪ Place the forks and knives ♪

♪ I hope Isabel arrives ♪

[BOTH] ♪ Now the
centerpieces to decorate ♪

♪ Everything is picture perfect ♪

♪ You make every moment worth it ♪

♪ Take this stamp and ink ♪

♪ You know what to do ♪

[MUSIC TURNS OMINOUS]

♪ I'll do anything you ask ♪

[EXHALES]

[SHUDDERING]

[SCREAMS]

♪ We've got a friendship
that will last ♪

- [ISABEL SCREAMS]
- You built a beautiful life with Malcolm...

and I destroyed it all.

[SINISTER NOTE PLAYS]

♪ Oh, God ♪
♪ What have I put her through? ♪

♪ sh*t! sh*t! ♪

♪ What is this? What
the f*ck is going on? ♪

♪ Am I speaking in a song? ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ Something's very wrong ♪

♪ Let's make a pact ♪

♪ We cut our hands
and shake with blood ♪

Respectfully, I'm going to decline.

♪ You're like jam ♪

[SEX GHOSTS SINGING]
♪ Jammy jam, jam, jam ♪

- ♪ You're like brie ♪
- ♪ Spread that brie ♪

- ♪ Put 'em together, more charcuterie ♪
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]

♪ Are you okay? ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm fine ♪

♪ Then let's sing the
chorus one more time ♪

- ♪ We are best friends ♪
- ♪ sh*t, sh*t, what is this ♪

- ♪ We are best friends ♪
- ♪ What the f*ck is going on? Am I speaking in a song? ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ Something's very wrong ♪

♪ I wish we were best friends ♪

♪ I know this has to come to an end ♪

♪ Please don't forget what
it means to be best friends ♪

- [MADAME ROUGE YELLS]
- [SONG ENDS]

[SOFTLY] Friends.

[EXCLAIMS] The guest towels.

Well, well, fine. Yes.

I'll, uh... I'll clear
up then. No problem.

[SOFTLY] Oh, what the actual f*ck!

Somehow Isabel's managed

to make this whole world about her,

and in this world, we all f*cking sing!

Suffering suffragettes! Look and see...

Sweaty bollocks!

I'm in Isabel's musical fever dream.

[IN HIGH PITCHED VOICE]
♪ What the f*ck! ♪

[FEET STAMP IN UNISON]

[SEX GHOSTS SING A CAPPELLA]
♪ What the f*ck! ♪

- [DOROTHY] Okay, that's
Cliff. - [VIC] Uh-huh.

- [DOROTHY] Jane!
- [VIC] Yep.

- Um, Rita.
- Nice.

- Me.
- [CHUCKLES]

- [CHUCKLING] You!
- Hey!

- And Larry.
- And who's that?

Oh! This is Papa.

I wanted him to be a
part of the celebration,

because he's still here in our hearts.

Yeah, he is.

Immortimas was his favorite.

Man, did that guy love his ham.

- Mmm-hmm.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, how is the robotics club going?

Papa always loved robots.

Yeah. I mean, it's
good. It's going great.

Uh, sometimes I feel like
I could be doing more.

Making a bigger impact, I don't know.

But what's bigger than
helping your community

- and doing what you love.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Maybe Immortus can help.

You can ask her at dinner.

Uh, you know, Immortus is a busy lady.

So, I just don't want
you to be disappointed

if she doesn't show.

I can feel it, Vic.

She's going to come to
dinner, I'm sure of it.

It must be nice to be so certain.

Well, I'm certain I
want some hot chocolate.

- Oh, yeah.
- Papa always loved hot chocolate. Here.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

[SEX GHOSTS SING A CAPPELLA] ♪ Mmm, hot chocolate ♪
♪ Papa loved hot chocolate ♪

♪ Too bad he's dead ♪

[SOFTLY] Mmm.

Immortimas is the best.

I could spend the day with you

- and the family.
- Yeah?

We get to see Isabel at dinner.

I'm so happy, I never want it to end.

Me too. Yeah. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Mmm.

Mmm-hmm.

[SOFTLY] C'mon.

C'mon. Okay.

- [UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]
- Mmm.

♪ Looking for something
naughty to play ♪

♪ It's little Cliffie's
time of the day ♪

♪ Maybe one of these
specials will do the trick ♪

[MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY]

[BUTTON CLICKS]

[ISABEL ON VIDEO] Happy
Immortimas, everyone.

Tonight I'm going to share with you

one of my favorite stories.

[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC RESUMES]

♪ I want to drive my stick ♪

♪ Come on, let's go, baby ♪

♪ Even to this holiday chick ♪

[ISABEL] ♪ Rev it up now ♪
♪ Rev it up now ♪

♪ Gotta shift gears ♪
♪ I'm in overdrive ♪

- ♪ Overdrive ♪
- ♪ Immortus is coming ♪

♪ And so am I! ♪

♪ I want to drive ♪

- ♪ My stick! ♪
- ♪ My stick! ♪

♪ It's just me ♪

- ♪ And my ding-dong-di... ♪
- [ISABEL] ♪ Let's go Let's go ♪

- [KNOCKING AT DOOR]
- [MADAME ROUGE] Cliffie?

[SHOUTS] What?

I'm just...

What? I'm... Not now. I'm busy.

Oh, busy singing about your d*ck, huh?

Singing! I'm singing.

- What do you want?
- Uh...

Have you had any
devious thoughts of late,

any underhanded sensations popping up?

What?

Huh! No, I'm just...

- [MADAME ROUGE SOFTLY] Okay.
- [AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING]

- [CURTLY] No.
- Okay.

[MUSIC TURNS SUSPENSEFUL]

[GASPS]

[ISABEL ON VIDEO] I can't
believe I fell into the time hole

and met my destiny.

Your destiny too.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO]

What the actual piss!

Oh, Laura.

Laura, I'm so glad I found you.

What do you think of this sweater?

I mean, are the lines flattering?

[STAMMERING] Yeah. I thought you...

Okay, um... Whatever.
Um, I need your help.

Oh, well, can it be quick?

'Cause I'm meeting my boyfriend?

- Your boyfriend?
- [CHUCKLES] I know, right.

Actually, it's kind of an amazing story.

We met under the craziest circumstances.

- But somehow it all worked...
- Thank you. Stop you there.

Um, I'm going to have to
be the Grinch here. Um...

I need to show you something.

[LARRY] What's with all the tissues?

[DOOR CREAKS]

- [JANE GASPING]
- [CASEY CHUCKLING]

- Casey!
- Sorry.

I didn't mean to startle you.

I, um... I just want to
make sure that we're cool.

'Cause there was, like, a
weird... [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

... moment earlier... right?

Um...

Uh, what are you painting there?

Um...

I don't know.

This image has been in my head all day,

and it seems so familiar to me.

But I can't put my finger on it.

Do you like it?

Yeah, it's amazing.

If I had one note, I would say that...

it could use a little bit more color.

[ALARM BLARING]

[SIGHING]

Okay, so I have, um, called
you all here for a team meeting.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[CLIFF] Larry, what is this?

I thought we agreed there'd
be no theme this year.

[ALL LAUGHING]

If I had known we were
dressing up as mummies,

I would have gotten out
my old Sphinx costume.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[LARRY] Let Rouge explain.

Yeah. Okay, so I have called
you all here for a team meeting.

- Unfortunately...
- I'm sorry, you keep saying team meeting.

- What team?
- Mmm-hmm.

- [LARRY SIGHS]
- Oh, we really are back at square one, aren't we?

Um... Okay, this may be hard to believe,

but we are, in fact, a superhero
team known as the Doom Patrol.

[ALL LAUGHING]

- Doom!
- Doom! Watch out!

I'm going to "doom" you!

[ALL LAUGHING]

That's it. Yeah. Okay, settle down.

So we are currently in a
fake, never ending holiday...

called Immortimas.

[CHUCKLING] Laura, you dog!

Is this one of your classic
Immortimas Day pranks?

She does this every year.

And now, she's got
Larry in on it as well.

Classic Immortimas mummy prank!

[LARRY] No, it's not a prank.

She's being serious.

You aren't who you think you are.

Well, this is all very
intriguing and very funny!

[LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY]

But if you'll excuse me,

I need to help Dorothy
attend to the ham.

- Ooh! You do that.
- Yes, that's a very...

It's a very good idea.
Wonderful idea, Rita.

Casey, would you please
join Rita in the kitchen?

It's the best way to
help the team, right now.

- Anything for the betterment of the team.
- [MADAME ROUGE] Jolly good.

A, we're not a team. B,
how come they get to go?

Okay, listen, you f*ck knuckles!

We have a situation on our hands.

[ISABEL ON VIDEO] Happy
Immortimas, everyone!

- Today, I'm gonna show...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

This is not what you think.

- I can explain.
- No, no, no, Cliff.

It's about the...

Oh, then never mind.

Okay. I'm no stickler for tradition.

But, W-T-F, Laura!

We always watch this one after dinner.

The point is, this is all bullshit!

It's a mirage! A cheap
trick to keep us docile,

so we don't ask too many questions.

Now, with the help of Larry,

I was able to find out what
was really on these tapes.

[LARRY ON VIDEO] You keep asking
me what I'm looking forward to

now that my radiation is contained,

but look at me.

I'm no longer of this
world. I'm not human.

[SIGHS]

Even when I was human,
I wasn't truly living.

- [BUTTONS CLICKING]
- [WHIRRING]

[CLIFF ON VIDEO] I
can't feel, I can't f*ck,

I can't even take a piss, Doc.

All of life's pleasures
have been stripped away.

- Stripped away.
- [BELL DINGS]

[JANE ON VIDEO] I didn't mean to.

[SNIFFLES] I wasn't shoplifting.

I just wanted to try some
things on. That's all.

Everything I have...

- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
- [BELL DINGS]

What the sh*t!

- This is all f*cking fake?
- Yes.

Well, why are you telling us this now?

Why didn't you wait until
after Immortimas Day?

Because, Cliff, there
is no after Immortimas.

There is only Immortimas Day forever!

Unless we can find a way out.

Hold on a minute.

[SCOFFS] How is all this fake?

This life, this holiday?

Like, Laura, we celebrate
this every single year.

You know this.

No, Vic. We don't. It's all made up.

Just like you and Deric running
a robotics club is all made up.

You are Cyborg. Formerly Cyborg.

You are a metahuman superhero.

Cyborg?

Yeah.

[VOICE ECHOING] You are Cyborg.

- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]
- [BELL DINGS]

[VIC] Holy sh*t!

Rouge is right.

We gotta come up with a plan

to get out of this
Hallmark Channel hell.

- Bingo!
- What? Wait.

Why do we want to get out?

Larry, you wanna be a human, don't you?

You can take off all of
this and you can let the wind

blow on your face and
you can taste the ham.

[LARRY] Trust me. I would
love to stay in denial

as much as the next guy.
I've got a boyfriend here.

It's an illusion, bro!

Larry saying he has a
boyfriend in this world,

is like you saying

your cam girl really cared about you.

Ginger was there for me.

None of that matters!

We're not safe unless I'm
wearing these bandages.

Oh, wait, I just remembered

you're a depressing f*ck in
the real world. [CHUCKLING]

That's true.

[VIC] Cliff! How can you be so selfish?

Selfish? Look who's talking.

I'm not the one who
gave up my superpowers

so I could d*ck around
with my high school friends.

- f*ck you!
- [CLIFF] Okay.

I feel like... Sorry.

I feel like we're losing focus here.

Bottom line, I'm down to get out of here

if it means I don't
have to f*cking sing.

- sh*t on a clit! I thought you were with me.
- [JANE] Dude!

Okay, look, I'm gonna go tell Dorothy

the truth about this place,

and one of you needs to tell Rita.

Okay.

Are we ready to ruin Rita's happiness?

[LARRY SINGING A CAPPELLA] ♪ Eh ♪

[CLIFF SINGING A CAPPELLA] ♪ Eh ♪

[JANE SINGING A CAPPELLA] ♪ Eh ♪

[SEX GHOSTS SINGING A CAPPELLA] ♪ Eh ♪

♪ f*ck ♪

[SIGHING] Me.

[VIC] I know.

It was a shock to me, too.

[SIGHS]

Maybe you're looking at this wrong way.

Maybe we're all here,
because it's what we all want.

For the first time, we're all together.

I mean, when have we ever
celebrated a family holiday.

Are you saying that you wanna stay here?

What's so bad about that?

There is no way that
this is what we all want.

And even if it is, we're
not our authentic selves.

What does that even mean?

How could you want to leave
when we have it all here?

- [SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]
- Dorothy.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

♪ Do I have it all here? ♪

♪ Is this all a blessing? ♪

♪ If the answer's near ♪
♪ Why am I second guessing? ♪

♪ I don't know if I go ♪

♪ But I'll keep standing still ♪
♪ In a world that's not real ♪

♪ Who will I find if I
leave this family behind? ♪

♪ There's no turning back ♪
♪ Gotta make up my mind ♪

♪ I need to face the future ♪

♪ I must chart a path ♪
♪ Taking a step forward ♪

♪ Am I going back? ♪

♪ Who am I if I don't try? ♪

♪ Who do I want to be? ♪

♪ Do I need to say goodbye ♪

♪ To discover the real... ♪

Vic!

[SHEEPISHLY] Yeah?

Are you, um... singing?

Yeah.

[SOFTLY] Right.

Okay. Well, when you're done with...

It's lovely, but when
you're done with...

With all of that, do you want
to meet me at the bone tree

so we can discuss the, you know,

some sort of musical exit strategy?

Sounds good.

Okay, just... go back to...

[SOFTLY] Okay.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ When I'm with The Doom Patrol ♪

♪ Every day's Immortimas ♪

♪ Life's out of control ♪
♪ But I want more than this ♪

♪ Am I still unfulfilled? ♪

♪ I'm caught in a spell ♪

♪ My own musical hell! ♪

[CLIFF SIGHS IN RELIEF]

[CLIFF STRAINING] Oh, dude!

What the hell are you doing, man?

What's it look like?

I just wanna feel the wind
on my d*ck while I still can.

[STRAINING] I gotta be
interrupted by someone singing

a f*cking power ballad.

Whoa! [SIGHS IN RELIEF]

Oh, wait. Not done. [STRAINS]

♪ Can I have it all here? ♪

♪ Be content with all I've got ♪

♪ Maybe here, maybe not ♪

♪ I need to face the future ♪

♪ I must chart a path ♪
♪ Taking a step forward ♪

♪ Am I going back? Can I be the hero ♪

♪ Different from before? ♪

♪ Without him am I a zero? ♪

♪ How can I be sure... ♪

- Vic?
- [MUSIC ENDS]

You all right?

[SIGHS]

I don't know.

[LARRY] Okay.

- You're taking this remarkably well. [CHUCKLES]
- [CASEY CHUCKLES]

Yeah, I guess I'm just used to
being ripped out of realities.

[CHUCKLING]

So, about our duet...

Yeah?

- I think you're great.
- Me too.

- For you, I mean.
- Sure.

What I mean is...

Well, now that I have my memories back,

it's not just me in this body anymore.

I'm just a bit all over
the place right now.

Totally. Totally! Yeah,
I get it. We're good.

- Really?
- Uh-huh! [CHUCKLES]

Okay.

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

What's this?

Some sort of holiday
role play? Kinky, I'm in.

- So shall I unwrap you or...
- Please don't.

We need to talk.

Oh, no. Are you breaking up with me

in a mummy costume? Why?

Do you not want me to meet your family?

No, no. I want you to meet them.

This is who I really am.

And you, you're Mr.
, the Combustible Man,

who can change into any
element on the periodic table.

- Remember?
- [BELL DINGS]

Oh, right. I remember.

I was wondering why my name was .

And, so what? How does
this change anything?

I'd still love to meet your family.

Seriously?

No, no. We need to find a way

to escape Isabel's psychotic witchery.

But we're safe here.

I'm not about to blow up,

and I'm assuming you're not some
radioactive purple man under there?

Stop! It's too dangerous.

That's exactly it, Larry.

We're not in danger here.

Hey...

we said we would find another way.

Maybe another way found us.

- Don't you want to be together?
- [SIGHING RUEFULLY] I do.

I do. Just... not like this.

Not in a fake world.

Fake for whom? It's perfect here.

[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING]

[LARRY GROANS]

♪ I thought my days were numbered ♪

♪ With my fragile constitution ♪
♪ You brought me back to life ♪

♪ Looks like you were my solution ♪

♪ So what if the world's a stage ♪

♪ Let's be the stars and break through ♪

[LARRY] ♪ It's not enough for me ♪

♪ Is Immortimas enough for you? ♪

♪ Our bond is stronger than anything ♪

♪ Covalent or ionic ♪

[LARRY] ♪ But if I turn radioactive ♪
♪ It could be catastrophic ♪

♪ This world's a work of fiction ♪

♪ I've lied in relationships before ♪

♪ This ain't real life ♪

♪ There are dangers
here we can't ignore ♪

♪ Out there's where danger lies ♪

♪ Remember we're unstable ♪

♪ Dream with me a bit longer ♪

♪ Cue the periodic table ♪

[BOTH] ♪ We used to be experiments ♪

♪ The past is now irrelevant ♪

♪ Cause we've got all
the elements of love ♪

♪ So Immortus is benevolent ♪

♪ But we've got just the temperament ♪

♪ Our chemistry is evident ♪

♪ It's the elements of love ♪

[TAP DANCING]

♪ You led me to a brighter day ♪

♪ We're good as gold if we just stay ♪

♪ Zinc of all the things we'd do ♪

♪ In my chemical romance with you ♪

♪ We used to be experiments ♪

♪ The past is now irrelevant ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got all
the elements of love ♪

♪ So Immortus is benevolent ♪

♪ But we've got just the temperament ♪

♪ Our chemistry is evident ♪

♪ It's the elements of love ♪

[TAP DANCING]

[SONG ENDS]

[LARRY PANTING] Okay, we'll stay.

[RITA ON VIDEO] All I wanted
was to be beloved, Niles.

[SQUELCHING]

And now look at me, I'm a monster.

[SIGHS]

- [RITA SIGHS ON VIDEO]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[EXHALES]

Why did you let me leave

when you were telling
everyone else about all this?

[SIGHS] You looked so happy.

I didn't wanna... ruin
your perfect day...

again.

Thank you.

If we're being totally
honest with one another,

I don't...

care that this is all fake.

You don't care that we live in a world

where at any given moment,

everyone might burst out into song

about the Midwest or... worse.

- A clam bake?
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

I don't want to be a monster anymore.

Rita.

[INHALES DEEPLY] You were
never a monster to me.

That's because in this friendship,

you're the monster.

[SIGHS] f*ck it.

[PHONE KEYPAD BEEPING]

[LINE RINGING]

[CLARA OVER PHONE] Hello?

Hey, kiddo!

Clara!

- Happy Immortimas!
- Happy Immortimas Day, Dad.

- [RORY COOING AND GURGLING]
- [CLIFF EXCLAIMS TENDERLY]

- Rory says, "Hi," too.
- Aw!

So, um... is everything good over there?

Everything's amazing.

You know, we wish we could be with you.

No, no, no, no. You sound amazing.

[RORY BABBLING]

Okay, give Rory a big kiss for me.

- Love you, sweetie.
- Love you, Dad. Praise Immortus.

Praise Immortus.

[RORY BABBLES]

[ROBOTMAN] You fleshy f*ck!

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ I get it ♪
♪ Immortimas sucks ♪

♪ Isabel is evil and
a bit of a schmuck ♪

♪ But can I play Devil's advocate? ♪

♪ You're missing one component ♪

♪ Go ahead, buddy ♪
♪ This is your moment ♪

♪ What's the big deal?
In here I'm real ♪

♪ I can smell and touch and taste ♪

♪ You'd let this body go to waste ♪

[ROBOTMAN SINGING] ♪ I thought
we changed but you're deranged ♪

♪ Let's get one thing straight ♪

♪ You want to stay ♪
♪ To masturbate ♪

[ALL] ♪ Maybe it's a pipe dream ♪

♪ Maybe it's Xanadu ♪

♪ Can't you see my family doesn't need ♪

♪ My robot body ♪

♪ And me ♪

♪ I will never be the perfect dad ♪

♪ Is wanting to protect
them from you so bad? ♪

[OVEN MITT RORY]
♪ What about me Pop-pop? ♪

♪ Your favorite friend? ♪

♪ I'll stay a baby forever
if this doesn't end ♪

[ALL] ♪ Maybe it's a pipe dream ♪

♪ Maybe it's Xanadu ♪

♪ Isn't it nice to see
what life could be ♪

♪ Without my robot body ♪

♪ And me ♪

- [SONG ENDS]
- [DOORBELL CHIMING]

[SINISTER INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

sh*t! sh*t! sh*t! sh*t! sh*t!

Okay, what's the plan?

I can't believe she's actually here.

Well, of course she's f*cking here.

- [DOROTHY] I told you she'd come.
- [VIC] There's no time.

Okay. What are we gonna do?

- [CASEY] Drown her.
- [JANE] Poison her.

- Turn her into boron.
- Turn the lights out and pretend we're not home.

Who wants deviled eggs?

- Hit her over the head with some ham.
- Poison her.

- [JANE] But with ham, yes. Poison her with ham.
- [ALL SQUABBLING INDISTINCTLY]

- Give her so much ham, she explodes.
- Okay, no more bullshit!

Isabel is here.

Where do you stand? Stay or go.

- Stay!
- Go!

[MADAME ROUGE] Okay. And I'm a go.

All right. That was slightly
less unified than I'd expected.

[DOORBELL CHIMING]

Wait!

We all know we're in some sort
of fabricated existence here,

whether we want to stay or leave.

Whatever our differences, there is
an almighty god at our front door.

A spiteful god who didn't think twice

of turning her most ardent
worshippers into dust.

So, let's just take a breath.

[CLIFF INHALES DEEPLY]

She said...

All we need to do is get through dinner.

So, just shut your pie holes
and put on a happy face. Hmm?

Hmm?

[DOROTHY SIGHS]

[IN SING-SONG VOICE] Hello!
I'm here! Where's my ham?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh! I didn't know there was a theme.

My goodness, this all looks divine!

Sit.

[ENERGY PULSING]

Now, let's see.

Shall we start the festivities

with a little Immortimas spirit?

How about we go around the table

and share what we're
all grateful for? Hmm?

I'll go first.

I'm grateful for... me.

[LAUGHS] Oh, this is fun.

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

Who's next?

Mister Mummy Man?

[LARRY] Uh...

Well, um, I guess I'm grateful
to be here with my family,

and to introduce them
all to my boyfriend.

How sweet. And?

- And... and for the...
- [CLATTERING]

The pleasure of worshipping you, Isabel.

- [IN DEMONIC VOICE] Immortus!
- [THUNDER RUMBLING]

[MALICIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[LARRY] Yeah.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Okay.

Can someone pass the ham?

[DISHES CLANKING]

Who's next?

[SNIFFING]

Okay, I'll go next. [CLEARS THROAT]

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

Uh, Immortus,

I am grateful that you were
there for me in my time of need.

I needed to do a giant pish,

and you provided a wipe

- for me to freshen up my fufu.
- [RITA SOFTLY] Mm-mm.

And for that, I thank you.

Except that this is Immortimas Day,

and you couldn't
possibly know that, Rouge,

because there only is Immortimas Day.

Except, Willie-Wanks-A-Lot,
this world isn't real.

Now you should know it was
super easy to figure that out

because you didn't even try to hide

that this is an alternate reality,

or maybe you just suck at this.

- [ISABEL GRUNTS]
- [MADAME ROUGE CHOKES]

Don't you all agree Rouge
is the ultimate party pooper?

[GASPING]

[IN DEMONIC VOICE] Don't you agree?

[ALL AGREEING] Yes, uh-huh.

Smelled that sh*t from over here.

- [LARRY] Yeah.
- [VIC] Party pooper.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Now, my question was,

what are you grateful for?

[STRAINING AND CHOKING]

Sing out, Louise!

[STRAINING AND CHOKING]

I have something to say!

Uh, because Immortus,

I have so much to thank
you for. [CHUCKLES]

Lovely. [CLEARS THROAT] Proceed.

We are all grateful for
you, because without you,

we would not be the incredible
people at this table.

I have to admit you've
been a role model to me.

You've taught me what it means
to be... an icon and a hero.

Thank you, Rita. [SIGHS]

- Who's next...
- I'm not done.

Your need for constant attention
and adulation is inspiring.

Your hunger for perfection...

[CHUCKLING] ... although
a hopeless endeavor,

is almost as impressive as
your lack of self-awareness.

And finally, and this
is what I do admire most,

your ability to be an even bigger
narcissist than I could ever be.

You think you're all powerful?
You think you're all knowing?

Well, I know you because I was you.

And I don't want to be you anymore.

It is a sad, lonely, pathetic existence.

[LARRY SIGHS] Oh.

[SIGHS]

I see. And do you all agree?

[EMPHATICALLY] Absolutely not!

Praise Immortus!

[LAUGHING] We all love you.

- And Immortimas Day!
- [ISABEL AND CLIFF CHUCKLE]

[SPUTTERING] That's not what Rita means.

She's just tired.

That's just... It's the ham fumes.

- You know how it is.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Actually, I agree with Rita.

- What the f*ck?
- [VIC] Dude, let her speak.

I'm not sure this is
what I want anymore.

Immortimas is just another prison.

It's another lie.

And I'm done lying to myself.

I'm years old, for God's
sake, and I'm still hiding.

I have never lived
out in the real world.

I can't lock myself away anymore.

I need to go.

Then I'll go with you.

What?

So, that's three votes
to leave Immortimas.

No, no, no, no, no. That...
that's not what she means.

Dorothy loves Immortimas Day.

And... Who... who is this?

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

I'm just saying that... I thought
I found a new adventure here.

A new experience.

Clearly I was wrong.

If I'm going to be a
hero in the real world,

I need to see the real world.

No, come on.

Can't a... a human man catch a break?

[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]
I mean, she's not even with us.

What is your name?

I really wanted to stay here.

It's about as perfect as perfect can be.

Finally, someone saying the
things that we all are thinking.

- But if I'm being honest with myself...
- f*ck me.

It's another story being written for me.

- You were right all along.
- [LARRY SIGHS]

I don't want to live
in a fake world either.

How can I know what I truly want,

when people keep rewriting my backstory?

How can I trust my feelings
when I don't even know who I am?

I need to write my own story for once.

You wanna leave?

But you said... [SIGHS]

I don't want you to leave.

He's not with us either.

That's four votes.

And I'm five.

[PLATE CLATTERS]

So basically what we're
trying to say is f*ck you

and f*ck Immortimas.

- [TABLE THUDS]
- [GASPING]

[COUGHING AND PANTING]

[GROANING SOFTLY]

[SOBBING]

[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNIFFS]

[GROWLS IN DEMONIC VOICE]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUMBLING]

[WAILING IN FRUSTRATION]

[SCREAMS IN DEMONIC VOICE]

[GRUNTS]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[IN DEMONIC VOICE] Move.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[THUNDER CLAPS]

♪ I fix all your problems
and what do you do? ♪

♪ You find a way to break out ♪

♪ And make it all about you ♪

♪ Was it really so hard ♪

♪ To give me all your
love and devotion ♪

♪ I could have chosen the timeline ♪

♪ That featured lotion ♪

- ♪ You're all doomed! ♪
- ♪ Doomed! ♪

♪ Sorry not sorry to
break the bad news ♪

- ♪ Doomed! Doomed! Doomed! ♪
- ♪ Doomed! Doomed! Doomed! ♪

♪ Doomed! Doomed! ♪

♪ Aw, you think you've won? ♪
♪ Yeah, you think I'm done? ♪

♪ Think again ♪
♪ The age of Immortus ♪

♪ Has just begun ♪

What are you gonna do, k*ll us?

[LAUGHS] I don't have to.

♪ 'Cause you're all doomed ♪

♪ Sorry not sorry to
break the bad news ♪

- ♪ Doomed! Doomed! ♪
- ♪ Doomed! Doomed! ♪

♪ You're about to blow my dude ♪

♪ You're all doomed ♪

- [CLICKS FINGERS]
- [THUNDER CLAPS]

[SONG ENDS]

[RITA GASPS]

[MACHINERY WHIRRING]

[SIGHS]

[PAPER FLAPPING]

[RITA SIGHS]

Son of a bitch.