07x02 - Epididymitis

[bunniefuu]

[deep breaths]

Andrew, I, uh...

- I don't know if that's a good idea.
- [coughing]

You're gonna give yourself
Cool Ranch Lung.

Who cares? I'm gonna die anyway.

That psycho, Pumbaa,
threatened to m*rder me

on the first day of high school.

He didn't thr*aten, he promised.

[groans] I can't sleep, I can't eat,

except for this bag of Doritos
and a two-liter bottle of Coke

and some ROLOs.

Andrew, bubbeleh, you need to relax.

Oh God, I really do.

And you know what always calms you down.

Okay, I mean, maybe I'll be able
to yank my worries away.

Ooh! You should go
to the strip club in your mind.

Oh, well, I prefer to call it
"the gentleman's club in my mind,"

but yes, let's definitely jack off.

All right, first hottie of the night,

from the mural
in Doctor Harmandarian's office,

let's give it up for The Sexy Tooth!

Hi. Did you lie to the dentist
about flossing again, big boy?

Oh, yeah. My dad says floss is a scam.

Next up,
she's eight-and-a-half-months pregnant,

but she can still do yoga.

It's Daisy Duck
wearing Lululemon maternity clothes.

It's Goofy's baby.

Oh-ho-ho, that's complicated.

Hey! Andrew!

- [Andrew] Ah! Pumbaa!
- [Pumbaa] You're a dead perv walking!

- Security! Please help!
- [Pumbaa yelling]

- This is supposed to be a private fantasy.
- [grunting]

[grunts] Aah!

Oh no! You've set off
a Rube Goldberg-esque chain of events.

- The magic eight-ball! Trophies are heavy.
- And your penis is in peril.

Cover the goodies!

Oh sh*t. This is just like
that OK Go video

where they're all
jerking off on treadmills.

Ah! My dad's gonna be so mad at my corpse!

- Oh, okay.
- [relieved sigh]

Thank God.

- [groans]
- [Maury] Oh no!

Hospital.

Well, hold on. I'm sure it's not that bad.

- Let me just take a look...
- Ah!

Ah! Hospital!

["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]

♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪

♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ In my life ♪

♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪

[songs fades]

Those high school girls
don't know what they're talking about.

I'm a short king with tight little g*ns.

Aw, he thinks he has muscles.

Little baby acting buff.

Who's a little mister muscle man?

Stop it! Leave me alone!

Oh, they're right. I have toddler bod.

No, man, we're both kangaroo jacked.

Baby, check it out!

[grunts]

Oh man, not the slide whistle.

Maybe I just gotta flex harder.

[grunts]

Oh.

Oh, what a nightmare life is.

Hospital. Animal hospital.

[sighs]

Well, you see, your eminence,
it could've happened to anyone.

I was passing by a tree
when I heard a baby bird in distress.

Sure.

I started to climb its branches,

but I lost my footing
when I was distracted by catcalls.

Catcalls? Who the hell is catcalling you?

Young women. A secretary pool

aroused by my heroism
on their lunch break.

Oh God, I told you
never to do anything brave.

Well, you were right, Mama,

because as those women
wolf-whistled me, I fell,

and my innocent testes
smashed into a tree branch.

- Okay, okay, enough!
- Okay.

- Your gross son is clearly lying.
- Yeah.

He was definitely masturbating
in a strange manner.

- I knew it!
- Why, Andrew?

Because he's obsessed
with molesting his own genitals.

- [sobbing] Oh my God.
- I say we remove his hands.

I could do that, but knowing your son,
he'd probably use his feet.

The truth is, no matter what you cut off,
the boy's gonna find a way.

Oh, I'm in such pain!

Doctor, give it to me straight.

My winky, is she gonna make it?

Well, strange boy,
you've injured your epididymis...

- What?
- ...which is a duct behind the testes

that your semen passes through.

Yours shows significant swelling.

Oh, so what do I do?
There's gotta be a pill, right?

Something good.
Give me that West Virginia stuff.

Don't just stand there.
My boy is suffering.

Oh, there's no pill you can take
for this kind of injury.

The only cure is testicular rest.

And what does that entail?
A little pillow for my peepee?

My recommendation is
no masturbating for... three weeks.

- [dramatic sting]
- [in slow motion] Three weeks?

[in slow motion]
This is a fate worse than death.

- f*ck you! f*ck you, m*therf*cker!
- Andrew!

- f*ck you too, you little prick.
- Dr. Engel!

What? He started it.

Quick question. Do I have to pay the bill
if I don't care what happens to the kid?

- Uh, yes.
- Feh!

[birds chirping]

[whistle blowing]

That's it, everybody.

Keep pulling on the school's ponytail

until you can touch the sky floor.

I'm sorry I'm late, Coach Steve.

- I have a doctor's note.
- Whoa. This note is very, uh...

Who we kidding? I can't read.
Everybody knows that, right?

"To whom it may concern,

this gross weirdo
absolutely destroyed his genitals

and should be excused

from all physical activity
for three weeks."

All physical activity? Does that include...

Yes! Yes, it does!

My only hobby. My only joy.

Well, at least you don't have
to climb any stupid ropes.

Oh, I would k*ll
to climb my short little fat rope.

Do you get that, Jessi?
I wanna masturbate so bad.

Okay. It was my fault for engaging, so...

[groans] How can I be so small
but still so heavy?

It's because you got
those boiled ba-scetti arms, man.

[grunting] Oh yeah!

Suck my poorly-wiped ass, gravity.

Now Jay? Ooh!
He got those big meatballs in his sleeves.

- He really does.
- Woo! And now, to finish wiping.

Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho!

Thank you, Mrs. Rope.

[grunts]

Damn, Jay, how did you get so strong?

Uh, I put in the work, bro.

- Every day, I'm in the basement grinding.
- Grinding?

Working out!

Hours upon hours

of chiseling raw Bilzerian marble

- into the best body in our grade.
- Ooh.

- You need that tough tummy.
- Yeah.

Hey, Jay, could you chisel me?
You know, like help your boy get yoked?

Uh... f*ck yeah!

Let's take your scrawny ass
to Yoke-lahoma.

- All right, Yoke-lahoma!
- Oh, ho-ho!

Wait until you smell my home gym.

Imagine if chicken soup had B.O.

[birds chirping]

Hey, I'm home.

- Whoa.
- Oh, hey, Jess. Cop a squat.

Oh, that's cool.

I'll just give you some, like...

[British accent] privacy
for your meal time extravaganza.

What? No! Sit down, girl.

It's just breastfeeding.
It's totally natural.

[laughing awkwardly]
I know that. I'm sorry.

Lo siento. [awkward laugh]

- So, tell me about your day.
- Uh, right.

Uh, my day. Yeah.

Oh, in gym, Andrew, uh, told everyone
about injuring his penis.

Wow, that is just so Andrew,
you know what I mean?

[nervous chuckle] Yeah.

Jessi, look at those bodacious
breastfeeding boobies.

- No, I'm not gonna look.
- They're so big and juicy,

but also like hard at the same time.

I mean, at some point, the school's
just gonna have to expel Andrew, right?

[laughing nervously] I know, right?

Ah, or, like, chemically castrate him.
It's like he's not a safe person.

[laughs]

Okay, yes, they're mind-blowing.

Thank you! Those potato skins are loaded.

- But it's not like a sexual thing, right?
- No. Maybe. A little bit?

I mean, they are naked and beautiful,
and two feet away.

No, it's like a science thing.

They're just working breasts.

Yeah, they're working for me.

Eyebrows, eyebrows.

Oh my God.
Can you believe these things? [laughs]

Oh, I believe!

Oh, what? What things?

I've never had boobs this big.
It's crazy, right?

f*cking insane! [laughs]

Are your boobs big?
I hadn't... I hadn't even noticed.

Mmm, okay.

You know what? Um...

I'm gonna go get started on my homework,
and I will boob right back. Buh-bye. f*ck!

I'll catch up, Jessi.

I'm just gonna stare
at Caitlin's big, awesome titties.

For science, uh, you know, whatever.

[groaning]

Come on, Nick. Dig deep.

Deep enough to find
my dad's enemies' bones.

[groaning]

My arms are on fire, and I wanna cry!

Uh, bro, please do not
get my bench wet with your bitch tears.

You got this, baby.
Don't stop until it hurts to live.

[grunting]

Woo-woo!

My patootie is looking juicy
from down here.

- [grunting]
- Okay, buddy.

[groans] Oh my God. This has been
the worst five minutes of my life.

I know it sucks right now,

but if you do this every day,
you are gonna look great.

- Yeah?
- In a couple of years.

What? A couple years?

Sorry, bro,
but you can't get to Yoke-lahoma

without going through Work-ansas.

f*ck that. I'm not trying to work hard.
There's gotta be some kind of shortcut.

Oh, you want a shortcut?

Okay, say no more.

- I have just the thing for you.
- Thank God.

Uh, hey, Nick. And you can say no,

but would you mind
please rubbing my head with butter

- and then shoving it back up my own butt?
- [groans]

[crickets chirping]

[sighs]

The, uh, Country Music Awards
are coming up. Pretty cool, right?

Quick question. How many weeks has it been
since we masturbated?

Not even one day.

f*ck me! God is dead!

I know! I don't think I can do this!

Of course you can't. And do you know why?

Because when you did your last one,
you didn't get to finish.

Right. I never got a proper send-off.

You need closure, man.

Okay, okay. So what you're saying is,

despite the doctor's advice
and a lot of the "imaging" we had done,

I should do one last one
and that'll get me right.

Exactly. One last tug of the slug.

I mean, when you say it in rhyme,
how can I say no?

One last chode load for the road.

- I'm on board. You don't have to rhyme.
- All right.

Here we go. I'm feeling a little tingling.

Just a heads-up, it's not pleasant.

Ooh! In fact, it aches.

Push through the pain, Andy.
I believe in you.

[groans] sh*t, it hurts even more
when I'm hard.

Think horny thoughts.

Like, what if Daisy Duck
and that sexy tooth had a pillow fight?

Oh God. The pain tastes like a penny.

Ow! God, f*ck! This is bad!

Yes, yes, you did it, Andrew!

You're tough as nails, and I am so proud.

[groans]

I made a bloody one.

Yikes. Strawberries and cream.

And now it hurts even worse.

Oh, sorry, my man.

This one might be my fault.

[groans] My balls have a heartbeat.

[grunting]

Ah, where are they?

Heated f*ck swing, whiskey for dogs.

Oh, my little tattoo g*n!

Wow, your dad's been involved
with a lot of dangerous products.

Oh sh*t. Here we go.

"Muscle Munchiez."

"Chewable steroids
for the weak little boy in your life."

They're from the same guys
who made Cotton Candy Brandy.

I met them once in jail.

"An expl*sive combination
of synthetic hormones, amphetamines,

and high fructose corn syrup"?

They're anabolic steroids
for kids by kids.

FKBK, Nick.

I don't know, Jay. Are these things safe?

Yeah, okay, they were recalled,
but it was some total red-tape bullshit,

"a couple of kids d*ed" sort of thing.

- Don't love that.
- But Nick,

these kids were so jacked when they went.

- Really?
- Busting out of their coffins.

I do wanna get ripped.

Do it, Nick.

Steroids are just medicine that fucks.

- Okay, here we go.
- [suspenseful music]

[chews, gags]

They taste like... like gasoline?

Oh yeah, that tracks.

The box does say,
"May cause flammable poopies."

[crickets chirping]

- Jessi?
- Connie, please.

- Look at those milk jugs.
- f*ck.

Bursting and ripe,
hard and veiny, heavy and soft.

And honey, let's not forget big.

So big.

- So soft.
- [majestic music playing]

So warm.

Oh God, is that the nipple?

- Oh!
- You know what you wanna do, baby.

No, I-I can't.

Come on, honey, make it rain.

Ohh. Fine.

- Yes! [laughs]
- Oh, it's glorious!

Boobs are a miracle.

This is totally normal.

Uh, Jessi?

Oh, hi. I was not looking.

Um, okay?

I'm sorry if this is a weird question,
but when the milk comes out,

does it feel
like a heavenly expl*si*n or...

Uh, no. I mean, not really.
It's... It's more of like a...

Actually, I think Delilah's done,
so I'm gonna go put her down.

Oh God.

Yeah, I know.

That was one damn good
mammiferous daydream.

No, that was a very bad,

very weird daydream,
and I wish I could wash my brain.

Well, I wish Caitlin's boobies
were a TV channel

so I could watch them all the time.

We could call it TBS,
Titty Boobs Sucky-Sucky.

Oh my God, please stop talking.

- [grunting]
- Ah!

Oh, Rick, what are you doing?

I'm too pissed off to sleep.

Yeah, me too.

I think, like, the Muscle Munchiez
are, like, kicking in.

Hell yeah!

Time to f*ck up the world, baby!

I feel amazing.

Like I could choke a tiger to death
with my bare hands.

Nick and Rick, k*lling some big cats.
That's how we do!

Yeah. I'm gonna f*cking sprint to school.

Let's go, baby!
Time to show everybody who's in charge.

Kool-Aid man!

Oh yeah!

Hey! Whatever you guys are on,
make me a double.

♪ All my best songs
Were written on speed ♪

[laughs]

See, Maury? We, uh,
found something to do with our hands

instead of my beloved masturbation.

Yeah, doing a puzzle is just as satisfying
as a whole-body orgasm.

How are there no more white pieces?

There's a hole in the clouds.
There have to be more white pieces.

- You know what else is white?
- Maury, please.

- With a little bit of red sometimes.
- I'm injured!

Right, right. My bad.

It's just, you know,
these rolling hills kinda look like...

A delicious ass? Big tits?

A pregnant woman
lying on her back with her knees up?

Yes! All those things.

You think I don't know that,
you furry f*ck? I have eyes.

[knocks] Andrew, honey,
I'm going to the grocery store.

Yeah, right, good. I'm coming with you.

- What?
- You are?

I've been meaning to spend
more time with you.

- Okay.
- Fantastic. I'll be right down.

What the f*ck was that?

I gotta get away from you
and this slutty puzzle.

- Oh, come on.
- I'm going shopping with my mommy,

and as God is my witness,
I shall remain flaccid.

[birds chirping]

[grunts]

- Oh, my moneymaker!
- You're out, Lump.

Now who else wants some of this, huh?
I am locked the f*ck in.

It's second period.

Can we stop with the screaming,
Alex Jones?

- Sit down, bitch!
- [grunts]

- [students gasp]
- Hey, assh*le, this face is on camera.

[blows whistle] You're out, Nick.
No hitting above booby town.

f*ck up this nosy kid with the mustache.

I can't be out, Coach Steve.
I am dodgeball, you f*cking idiot.

I'm sorry, Dodgeball.

- What is your problem today?
- Maybe you are, Matthew.

You wanna take this out
to the parking lot?

[scoffs] The parking lot?
What is this, Grease Live?

A wop ba-ba lu-bop, a wop f*ck you!

Uh, whatever. It's just dodgeball.

See that? He's got nothing else to say
'cause he knows I'm loco.

Insane in the membrane, baby.

Nick, uh, maybe you should
take a chill pill?

All due respect, Missy, f*ck you.

We don't take chill pills.
We take muscle pills!

Hey, Jay. I need you to hook me up
with more of those kid steroids.

I don't know, man.

Maybe you need to, like,
calm down for a sec.

[mocking]
"Maybe you need to calm down for a sec"?

Whoa, Nick. That was f*cking cool.

Oh dear. There's hardly any shallots.

- Is that because of COVID?
- Ooh, great topic. Very unsexy.

But my God,
look at all these ripe tomatoes.

- Oh, sweet mercy. No, not ripe tomatoes.
- [Barbara] They're ridiculously plump.

Oh, and they're not fakes either.
Those are naturals.

Oh, and so f*cking wet inside.

Maury! Of course
you're in the produce aisle.

This place is dripping
with raw sensuality.

That's right, baby.

The peaches are butts,

the melons are titties,

and uh-oh, here comes the mist.

- Hey!
- Hi!

f*ck me into sauce.

No, no, no. Think unsexy thoughts.

Nuclear w*r, stepping in dog sh*t,

the cast of This Is Us.

[laughs maniacally]

Oh yeah. Put your piña in my colada.

Maury, why are you doing this to me?

Because you need to jack off.
You're addicted to it.

I know, but why?

- Because your daddy never loved you.
- I don't even think he likes me.

Now, run to the employee restroom
and have a sausage party of your own.

Mom, I gotta run to the restroom!

Oh God, where the hell is it?
Oh, look at all the crates.

Now do it right here
on the cold concrete floor

next to the filthy mop bucket.

Oh God!
Is this what rock bottom looks like?

Oh-ho, I can still see further down.

No, no, I can't!

Think of my wounded epididymis.

Oh, but you must, Andrew,
for it is time to restock the Yoplait.

This is so medically wrong.

- Strawberries and cream, baby.
- [whimpers]

I'm afraid
this is gonna be all strawberries.

Oh, have you ever noticed how every time
the baby sucks on one booby,

the other booby gets bigger?

Um, of course I've noticed.
It's freaking mesmerizing.

Hey, Jelly Bean.

Oh, hey, Dad. Um, where's Caitlin?

Uh, she... she went out.

Aw. Did she take her fascinating breasts?

And, uh... I actually wanted to, um,
talk to you about something?

- Okay.
- Uh-oh. I think he's gonna ask for money.

This is honestly the last conversation
in the world I wanna have...

Say you don't have any cash on you
right now. Just keep walking.

...but Caitlin feels like you've been, um,

extremely focused on her, uh, chest area.

- Oh God.
- She knows!

How is that possible?

We've been so discreet.

You know,
while she's been feeding Delilah.

Really? That's weird.

And hey, I get it,
because I wanna stare at them too.

Connie, this is t*rture. k*ll me.

But I'm allowed to
because I'm... I'm... she and I...

I'm... I'm her sexual partner.

Oh!

I don't like hearing your dad say
"sexual partner."

Anyway, it'd be really rad
if you could, like, um, stop.

Sure thing, Dad. Okay.

Floor, open up and take me away!

Thank you!

So, yeah, please don't stare
at my girlfriend's boobs.

I will not.

Okay. Terrible talk.

Yeah, one of the worst.

A toast to my father, Seamus.

I wish him nothing but happiness
at his new retirement community.

And may he always...

These old people
in these retirement homes,

they're all f*cking, man.

Everybody over has syphilis.
You hear about this?

- Nick!
- f*ck you. You guys don't stay informed.

Your father was mid-toast.

And I was actually just about
to update you on Grandpa's syphilis.

Oh my God.
You guys, you won't stop talking.

- Just shut the f*ck up, Elliot.
- That is it, young man. Go to your room!

Fine, Diane, but I'm taking the protein.
Gotta gain mass, get swole.

Ew! Don't touch our food
with your dirty middle school hands!

Put down the bird, f*ck-face.

Hey, man. Nobody talks
to Mr. Dodgeball like that.

Kick Judd Apatow's ass.

What the f*ck did you just say to me?

- Put down the bird, f*ck-face.
- [menacing music playing]

I'm not the f*ck-face, Judd,
you're the f*ck-face.

That's right,
I'm done taking sh*t from you, you...

- Oh sh*t!
- Brother against brother.

Judd! Thank you.

[groans] If you need me, Mama,
I'll be in my chambers.

[wings buzzing]

Oh, come on. What the f*ck is this?

Have a seat, Andrew.

Okay, I get it.

You're here to tell me
how disgusting I am.

In a way, yes...

And how that bathroom I just ruined
is for underpaid workers.

Andrew, we're worried about you!

Look, guys, I appreciate whatever this is.

It's an ejaculation intervention,
of course. A cock block of caring.

Please, don't waste your time on me,
all right?

Maury's right.

I'm a disgusting little cum cow
pumping out strawberry milk.

Oh, Andrew, no, no, no.

You're more than just onanism.
You contain multitudes!

And before you leave,

there's someone here who has something
they'd like to say to you.

A piece of penne that got run over?

No, Andrew, I'm your epididymis.

Oh my God, I'm sorry.
I-I didn't recognize you.

It's okay.
I'm normally inside your scrotum.

- Oh.
- [coughs]

[gasps] Are you okay, my epididymis?

No, I'm not.
That's why I wrote you this letter.

Oh man, don't you cry.
You're gonna make me cry.

"Dear Andrew,
we've had so many great times together

- covering your house in semen."
- [tender music playing]

We really have.

"But since the accident,
I've been in pain...

- Aw, man.
- ...and I feel like you don't care."

No, no, that's not true.

I'm just stressed and scared,

and I don't have another way
to deal with those feelings.

- It's because his father doesn't love him.
- Oh, I'm well aware.

"I'm not saying
it's gonna be easy, Andrew,

but if you don't listen to the doctor,
then I'm sorry,

but I won't help you
produce semen anymore."

- You wouldn't do that.
- I have no choice!

Oh, I'm sorry.

We all love you, Andrew,
and we only want what's best for you.

Okay, I'm gonna listen to the doctor,

and I'm gonna do it
to please all these people in front of me.

No, Andrew, do it for yourself.

I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try.

Okay, come on.

Come in, come in, come on, here we go.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

I'm Andrew's left nut.
I got caught in a zipper.

You can roll right out
'cause he's already had his breakthrough.

Oh, so I wrote a whole letter for nothing.
Great.

[crickets chirping]

- [yawns]
- Ah, you were hungry.

- Hey.
- Oh, you know what?

- I'm just gonna grab a little, um...
- That's totally fair.

No. You know what? It's just that, um...

- You really don't have to say anything.
- The staring was just... I-I'm sorry.

No, no, no, I am the one who is sorry.

Well, I am not sorry.

I revere them titties,
and I am proud of it.

Um, I'm just gonna go do homework
in my room until Delilah grows up, so...

[sighs] Well, I'm gonna miss
Caitlin's big fat titties.

[sighs] Me too.

But she deserves to be able to breastfeed

without someone staring at her
like a little creep.

I guess.

[groans] I feel like Andrew.

- Ow!
- Don't you dare f*cking talk like that.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I should've known it was stupid
to eat anything from Jay's garage.

I want you to learn from this, Nicky,

because steroids can cause
blood clots and liver failure,

not to mention they shrink your testicles.

Oh yeah, look at my little peppercorns.

Aw, they're so cute.

I mean, I know steroids are famously bad.

It just sucks being so small.

Well, I was a late bloomer too,

but I was patient,
and now every part of me is normal-sized.

- Well, except my...
- Your penis, I know.

But you make up for it by quote,
"giving dynamite cunnilingus."

Mm-hmm. And you don't need steroids
to have an eager and curious tongue.

Ugh. Thanks, Dad?

Aw, this is so beautiful,

like when your dad
sticks his tongue in your mom.

[sobs]

Hey, I got your text,
but before you say your thing,

I was just thinking, pregnant Daisy Duck.

What if you got stuck
in a bank lobby with her?

Think that's an episode of Friends.

Are you serious? Oh my God.
Wait until I tell Schwimmer about this.

Look, I, uh... I don't wanna think
about pregnant Daisy Duck for a while.

So, what, just pregnant humans?

No. Nothing sexual, okay?

For the next three weeks,
my sweet epididymis must heal,

so I'm setting some boundaries.

[nervous laughter] What?

Why are you being so dramatic?

Because I am more
than just a disgusting little cum cow.

I contain multitudes.

You sound crazy right now, you know that?
We are a team.

You jack off and I say, "Way to jack off!"

Not anymore, Maury. Be gone.

Wow, you're...
you're really serious, aren't you?

Oh, I'm as serious as XM radio, brother.

Okay, I'll leave,
but for the, you know, "record,"

this is your loss, Andrew,

- because I'm, like...
- [emotional music]

...I'm a really cool guy. [sobbing]

Goodbye, Maury.

Yeah, well then, I guess I'll, uh,

you know, see you
when you stop cumming blood.

[sobs] Okay.

♪ But no one ♪

♪ Is ever gonna love you more than I do... ♪

["No One's Gonna Love You"
by Band Of Horses playing]

♪ No one's gonna love you more than I do ♪

♪ And anything to make you smile ♪

♪ It is a better side ♪

♪ Of you to admire ♪

♪ But they should never take so long ♪

♪ Just to be over ♪

♪ Then back to another one ♪

Chirp.