07x03 - The Ambition Gremlin

[bunniefuu]

- [birds chirping]
- [school bell rings]

Guys, these book reports
were pretty disappointing.

Except for Andrew Glouberman.

Nice work, Andrew.

- An "A"?
- Whoa.

- That's good, right?
- How'd you get an A?

I have no idea. I mean, I did read
the cute little story or whatever, but...

You actually did the reading?

Well, you're aware
I obliterated my scrotum

and can no longer
yank on that stinky pole.

Oh, Andrew, it's : a.m.

Anyway, so the other night,
there I am in my room,

no idea what to do with myself
other than yam-yank,

and then I see the book, Nick.

- Oh my God, and you just...
- I read the g*dd*mn thing.

So weird.

Turns out there are other things
you can finish.

Oh, look at that.
Andrew's doing so well without me.

Okay, you're gripping my arm
very tight, Maury.

That's because I'm so authentically happy
for Andrew. [forced laugh]

You can drop the charade, honey.
I know breakups are tough.

First of all, it's not a breakup, okay?
It's just a temporary break.

And second of all,
I'm totally fine with it

because Andrew is just another client.

Uh-huh. Wondering if we can pivot
to my sexual development anytime soon?

Oh. Right, of course. I'm so sorry.
What are you doing at lunch?

Wanna jerk off into the lost and found,
really crust up some hoodies?

Ugh, no! I'm not a sex criminal.

[sobbing] I know!

I miss Andrew!

["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]

♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪

♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ In my life ♪

♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪

[songs fades]

Okay. So, for your next assignment,
you'll all be writing letters.

Ugh, are we like
saving the postal service again?

Just let the old bitch die.

Actually, Lola, we won't be mailing them

because they're letters
to your future selves.

So like, "Dear Future Jessi,
congrats on making the debate team

- and getting into Brown?"
- Getting into Brown!

I love that you're
already thinking about a**l,

which is what that college is famous for.

[groans] I can't write a whole letter.
My brain sucks too hard.

Come on. Don't... Don't say that.

Ah, it's true.
Look, I got a "D" on my book report.

That's the letter F.

Ah, see?

Have you tried not jerking off?
It sent a lot of blood to my brain.

Are you insane?

I would sooner pull my d*ck full off
than not pull it at all.

Oh yeah, you gotta pull it if you got it.

You feel me, Elijah?

[uncomfortably] Oh, um, totally, man.
You... You gotta pull.

- [sighs]
- What's wrong, buddy?

Yeah, that was a very sad fist bump.

I just hate being
the only non-horny kid I know.

All these guys are, like, obsessed
with their own crotches.

I know. Even Missy's
an out-of-control masturbatrix.

- I just don't get it.
- Yeah, I wish we could help.

- But isn't helping me your job?
- It is, yeah.

You probably haven't noticed this,
but Joe and I do our job pretty bad.

No, yeah, I picked up on that.

So, you got any plans after school?

I'm actually looking forward
to this homework.

- You are?
- Yeah.

Wanna brainstorm our letters together?

Ew, what? No, no.

I wanna do my homework
the way I always do it,

five minutes before class
with a pen that barely works.

- [doorbell rings]
- Oh my God.

I'm just returning a sweater.
Why am I so nervous?

'Cause it's Leah.

She's so cool and mature
and better than you in every way.

Oh, hey, Jessi.

Quick, say something gorgeous.

Hi, is, um, Leah home?

[nervous laugh]

- Stupid, that's you.
- [groans]

- You Leah, me Tarzan.
- Stop it!

- Tarzan return sweater. [grunts]
- Ew, you're doing bad!

Oh, that's so sweet.
You should totally keep it.

Oh, it's not, like, laden
with my filth or anything. [chuckles]

I had it eco dry-cleaned

- like the tag said to do, so...
- [laughs]

Should I not have read your tag?
Was that private? I'm sorry.

- Oh my God, you're such a Virgo.
- [awkward laugh]

Totally.

♪ Just a Virgo little virgin ♪

Be different, Jessi.

Actually, I'm getting rid
of a ton of old clothes right now.

Wanna come in and try some on, girlie?

[gasps] "Girlie."

- Whoa! Leah's room.
- [angelic music playing]

- Where she sleeps!
- [gasps]

- f*ck me! It's Leah's bra.
- [gasps]

- You can see through it.
- [Leah sighs]

It's all up for grabs.
Take whatevs.

Okay, yeah.

Um, all right,
I'll just grab this t*nk top, I guess,

and I'll get out of your hair.

It's so cute. Thank you so much.
This has been splendid.

Oh, you don't wanna stay and hang out?

- Hang out? You mean like fwends? Friends?
- [gasps]

[laughs] Yes, Jessi, like friends.

[both] Holy sh...

[Andrew clears throat]

"Dear Future Andrew,

May you walk through life
with your head held high,

but may you also bow it now and then

to smell the sweetness
of a rose." [chuckles]

Clever boy, worthy of Twain.

- Andrew!
- [yelps]

Your mother and I found this

during our nightly perv search
of your room.

Not my... Oh. Book report?

Why didn't you tell us
you did something not so terrible?

Oh, my little A-student.

We had just come to accept
that you'd end up in the gutter someday.

You and me both, lady.

But now,
I have the slightest glimmer of hope.

This is going on the fridge.

No, Mama!

The fridge is for Rite Aid coupons only.
Dad, stop her.

No, I think we can make an exception.

[angelic music plays]

- [gasps]
- Proud of you, son. Mwah!

What the full f*ck?

- [fridge rumbling]
- Maury? Is that you?

Are you back?

Guess again, dipshit,

and guess Petra,
'cause that's my g*dd*mn name.

Oh, right, from the other show.

You're... What was it again?
Ah, an "Ambition Gremlin."

Damn right. And you?

Oh wow, you're just
a boiled f*cking pierogi, aren't ya?

Yeah, I'm a soggy boy.

Well, not for long.

I'm here to mold your mush into greatness.

"Greatness"? Wow.

Well, we are immediately
outside my wheelhouse.

Hey, listen, kid. Eyes over here.

- You like this, right?
- Oh.

Headlining the fridge.

Well, I can get you more.

More good grades.

- Yes.
- More excellence.

- Yeah.
- More brief flashes of parental love.

I could be Daddy's number one good boy.

With ambition, you can be
whatever the f*ck you want!

- Think tech mogul.
- Oh-ho-ho.

Think Vegas restaurateur.

"Vegas restaurateur."

At Glouberman's Grille,

the plates are square.

I dress like golf.

Hey, pick up the pace, old man!

Oh please, don't fire me, Mister My Son.

All right, I gotta go.
I'm meeting Celine Dion

at the Cold Stone Creamery
in The Venetian. Jetpack up!

Petra, my dear, what can I say?
When I'm dazzled, I'm dazzled.

I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful,

strictly business partnership.

Care to shake a wet, tiny hand?

[chuckles]

All right, clearly,
I can't count on you guys for anything.

Ah-ah-ah. We never said you could.

But there must be, like,
other asexual people online, right?

Oh, sure, the Internet.

The safest place
for children who feel different.

Okay, hold on a sec. Oh, what's this?

Whoa!

Whoa!

Huh? Where the heck are we?

I think we're in Reddit?

Correct. I'm Snoo, of course.

Welcome to the asexuality subreddit.

Wow. So, all these posts
are from people like me?

[Snoo] Thousands of them.

Asexuals, aromantics, and, of course,
a smattering of hate speech.

But you, uh, delete that stuff, right?

Nope. To me, it's food.

Go ahead, Elijah, scroll around.

I always assumed
I just had a lesser sex drive.

I could go the rest of my life
without sex just fine.

Happy Tuesday. White genocide, am I right?

- Jesus!
- Yum!

This meme is literally me.

[laughing] Bro, same.

I kind of feel better already.

Wait, what's this one?

Any other aces on here masturbate?

Of course.

You don't have to be attracted to others
to enjoy physical sensations.

Jerking off just feels really good.

What? I didn't know they...

- We did that.
- Us either.

So, you guys think I might enjoy...

- Yanking your crank?
- Choking your chicken?

Squeezing the spinach out of Popeye's can?

Masturbating.
Let's just call it masturbating.

Ooh, "masturbating"!
Sounds like we're doing it classy, Joe.

Oh yeah, let me go get my top hat.

Ooh, gorge!

- The gorge-iest.
- You have to take it.

Quick, kiss her belly button ring.
It's a sign of respect.

Ooh, you know what?

This could actually be cute
for debate next year. Trying on.

- Oh my God, I could never do debate.
- Oh.

Arguing all the time would,
like, mega stress me out.

Ah! She disagrees and she's perfect,
so you're wrong.

I know. What do I do?

Recant! Recant with all your might!

So, while I was trying that on,

I just remembered I forgot to say
this thing about debate,

- which is that I also hate it.
- Oh. Okay.

- She bought it.
- Oh, thank God.

Hey, Leah, do you have my fuzzy slippers?

- Hey, dude.
- Jessi, what are you doing here?

And why are you wearing a crop top?

Oh f*ck.

It's like a shirt took its pants off.
Yum, yum.

What are you wearing, Nicky?
Your wittle jammies at : p.m.?

Yeah, Nicky, is it your bedtime soon?

Actually, assholes, I'm in my PJs
because I already took my bath.

- Okay? So...
- [laughing]

- Oh my God, that's adorable.
- Don't call me adorable. You're my age.

- Also, don't hang out with my sister...
- Enough. I get it.

And finally,
you look dumb in her clothes, okay?

- Uh, no way. She looks amazing.
- Girlie, oh my God. Thank you so much.

But how do I look in Leah's clothes, Nick?

Honestly, not bad.

Girlie, oh my God. Thank you so much.

Okay, there's no pressure, buddy.

We're only masturbating if you want to.

No, I do. I'm pretty curious
what all the fuss is about.

That was me with Wordle.

I'm like, "Okay, I'll try it.
Everyone shut the f*ck up."

Then I did, and I came.

Can you guys maybe, like, turn around?

- Sure.
- We're not even here.

[Gil] O-O-Okay, Elijah?

Now, I hear you using a lot of lotion,
and that's... that's fine,

just don't get it in the hole,
okay, buddy?

Guys, I think it's working a little.

Oh. Whoo!

It's working a lot.

He's doing it, Gil.

Oh, look at me, I'm getting misty.

- I'm misty.
- f*ck you, man. I was crying first, okay?

f*ck you, Joe.

All right, so, what other goals we got
for your future self?

- Um, how about good college?
- Yeah.

- A big house.
- Okay.

Maybe a sexy missus
to complete the picture?

Okay, but not actress-hot,
'cause suddenly you're financing

this girl's short film
about a car crash or some sh*t.

Then it's like,
"Okay, Kylie, you want my money,

but you don't want
my notes on the script?"

- Ugh. Paying for billboards and sh*t.
- Listen, Andrew, sweetheart?

Oh God, why are you calling me sweetheart?

I knew you were studying so I brought you
a two-liter bottle of soda,

you know, how you like.

So you're not here to tell me
that you wish I d*ed

in the first wave of COVID
'cause I'm such a disappointing bum?

Oh, no, that was back when you were
a useless squatter in my home.

Now, you're an A-student.

- Ah.
- A potential earner.

- This guy gets it.
- So keep up the good work, champ.

Holy sh*t. Did you hear that?

Yep. By the end of the week,
your dad will be sucking your d*ck.

Wait, what? I don't want that.

Oh, come on, it's not sexual.
It's a power dynamic.

Huh, power. Never had it, kinda want it.

- Right?
- Petra, you nasty little thing,

how did I ever live without you?

- Very poorly.
- Ha ha!

Don't I know it.

♪ I was a frumpy, ne'er-do-well loser ♪

♪ A pitiful, flightless bird ♪

♪ An around-the-clock cock-abuser ♪

♪ A dull, unpolished turd ♪

- ♪ Then you... ♪
- Me?

♪ You came from out of the blue ♪

♪ And you taught this dirty pig
How to fly... ♪

- Damn right!
- ♪ Oh, you ♪

♪ With your hot little suit ♪

♪ You're so perky and cute
I could die... ♪

[laughs]

♪ I was stuck in the mud
With a hand on my pud ♪

♪ I'd come to the end of the line ♪

♪ Then you came zooming in
Like a smack on the chin ♪

♪ And you polished this turd to a shine... ♪

'Course I did.

- ♪ Honey, you... ♪
- Yeah, me.

♪ You're a magical minx
And this fella thinks you're just grand... ♪

I'm the best.

♪ You gave me strength and affection
But not an erection ♪

♪ But still make me feel like a man ♪

♪ I was down on my luck
Just a sad little f*ck ♪

- ♪ With my big stupid head in the sand... ♪
- He-he!

♪ And then poof, you were here
With a scowl and a sneer ♪

♪ To slap the d*ck
Right out of my hand... ♪

That's what I do.

- ♪ f*cking you... ♪
- f*cking Petra.

♪ You're a pip, you're a hit ♪

♪ Now my sh*t-brown sky's turning blue ♪

♪ Oh, what in the world would I do ♪

- ♪ Without wonderful you? ♪
- Not much.

- ♪ Weird, green, wonderful you... ♪
- So wonderful.

- ♪ Short, mean, wonderful you... ♪
- And beautiful.

♪ Oh, baby, you ♪

- Eh, you're not so bad yourself.
- [cheering, applause]

Hmm. I love it, but it's like...

- It's missing something, right?
- [gasps]

- Leah's belly button ring.
- Oh, that's it!

You need some belly bling
on that naked hole.

- Mom!
- Shannon!

- Whoa. Why are you dressed like that?
- Um... [scoffs]

This is literally how I dress.

- You're being a psycho, but it's fine.
- What?

Hey, can we, real quick,
get my belly pierced tomorrow?

[laughs]

Oh, sweetie,
I love that you had the balls to even ask.

Wow, yeah, absolutely not.

Are you serious?
You're being such a Virgo right now!

- Nice try. My birthday's in June.
- Two-faced Gemini bitch.

A belly button ring.

[laughs]

- Thanks again. This was a trip.
- f*cking Shannon.

What are we gonna do?
Your hole remains nude.

Well, I do have one idea,

but it's kind of stupid and crazy
and maybe dangerous.

Let's do it then.

Honey, why don't you take a break
from your homework

while the doctor examines you, huh?

- No breaks!
- Nope. Trying to make Honor Roll.

- You know how it is, Doc.
- Not really, no.

I got straight D's in med school.

- Oh.
- [laughs]

Anyway, Andrew, some pretty freaky stuff
is up with you body-wise.

Oh God, no mother should bury a son.

- Actually, it's all good news.
- Good news?

- Scoliosis is gone.
- Ooh.

- Cholesterol is down.
- Really?

- Normal blood pressure for once.
- Who, me?

In my medical opinion,

I think we've got
to give the credit to God.

- Amen.
- This f*cking bozo.

Your body sucks less because I rebooted
its shitty f*cking hard drive. Thank you.

Oh, and your epididymis...

Yep, all healed.

Healed. So that would mean...

Yes, you can go back
to pleasuring your genitals

to your heart's content.

Yes! Ha-ha!

You can jerk off again!

- Maury!
- Oh, Andrew, I've missed you so much!

No one else will do my yucky ideas,
so let's just start over. Whaddya say?

Your place at fap-thirty?
I'll bring the jizz.

I'd like that very much.

- Let me just run it by Petra.
- Petra?

Miss Petra, is it okay if I carve out
some time for Maury this afternoon?

Of course not, you dumb dunkaroo.
We got worlds to win.

Hang on a second. Are you two... together?

Maury, no, it's not like that.
We've just been hanging out.

- How could you?
- No, no, no. Baby, baby, please.

You and I were on a break.
Come on, let's all three of us...

Kid, let me stop you right there.

There is no "three of us."

You're either with him or you're with me.

What? Why does he have to choose?

Because you're a freaking piggie.

You're all, "Look, this looks like a tit,

that looks like an ass,
let's f*ck a mailbox."

- How dare you!
- And he doesn't have time for that sh*t.

That sh*t is a beautiful, disgusting life
Andrew and I have built together,

and he would never throw that away.

He couldn't fathom it.

I... I don't know who to choose.

- Oh dear.
- Looks like he's fathoming it, dickwad.

Andrew, stop fathoming.

[knocking on door]

Elijah, are you here?

Elijah?

I'm early for our raisin tasting,
I hope that's...

[moaning]

Elijah?

- [screams]
- What the f*ck?

- Not Missy! Oh my God!
- Occupied!

Missy!

- Ow!
- sh**t! I'm... I'm sorry!

Was he just w*nk*ng
what I think he was w*nk*ng?

Are you... Oh gosh, your nose is bleeding.
And I spilled all the tasting raisins.

Yeah, and you were just masturbating!

I thought he was supposed to be asexual.

Well, you see, Mona,
it turns out, asexuals... not a monolith.

Try to educate me right now
and I will rip you in half.

I... You didn't knock.

Oh, well, I'm so sorry

that your girlfriend
caught you doing something sexual.

Eh, well, for him,
it's not actually sexual.

Oh, so those were platonic moans, huh?

He's just "friends" with his cock?

Well, Missy,
I'm just kind of experimenting and...

You're a liar! You're not asexual.

You just don't wanna do
anything sexy with me.

Cry, Missy. Cry and run.

Missy, wait!

Cry so hard! The running's weird.

[sobbing]

- You called the right bitch, Jessi.
- Thanks for doing this.

I once wrestled a girl
at a Piercing Pagoda and very much won,

so I could not be more qualified
to poke a hole in your torso.

Uh, Jessi, are you sure about this?

I'm sure. I'm very probably sure.

Oh, don't worry, the needle's
not that sharp, so it won't hurt.

- I actually think it might!
- [sucks]

- Okay, pinching. You ready?
- [suspenseful music plays]

[inhales]

- Ready.
- On three.

One, two...

- three...
- [screams]

- ...four, five, six!
- [screaming]

- Why is she still counting?
- Lola, what the hell?

It won't go through your thick meat. Ew.

- f*ck! Is it almost through?
- Assuredly not.

- [screaming]
- Should I just, like, pause the procedure?

Not now. Think of Leah.

Finish it.

[grunting]

Ow! There's so much blood!

[chuckles] I'll tell you this, sweetie.
They don't do it like me at Claire's.

Maury, Petra, how can I choose?
I love you both in such different ways.

But Andrew, we belong together.

Jerking off, being a perv,
it's who you are.

But Petra thinks I can be someone better.

- A restaurateur.
- Which is French.

I-I can do French sh*t.

French maid fantasies,
French Stewart fantasies.

Well, frankly, I don't hate that.

Andrew, get a grip.

This loser has been
holding you back for years!

I mean, you did give me scoliosis.

Not on purpose.

That's what happens when you hunch over
your own d*ck for hours a day.

Ask Larry King.

But Petra, she's made me healthier.

- Yeah.
- And she thinks I have real potential.

"Petra thinks I have blah, blah, blah."

- Maury, stop. Please.
- Okay.

Petra is good for me,

so... [sighs]

- ...I am done jerking off.
- [emotional music playing]

Oh, come on. Again?

But this time, it's forever.

Wow, okay. Uh, so this is like, um,
like goodbye goodbye?

You heard the kid. Au revoir.

I'm going places, Maury,
and I don't think I can take you with me.

Oh, okay.
Well, so, if this is really the end,

then I'm gonna take all my stuff.

Maury! There could be photographers.
Don't make this ugly.

You made it ugly! I'm gonna take this.

This is my lotion.

- I bought it with my Sephora points.
- Eesh.

Dude, you're embarrassing yourself.

f*ck you, Petra!

You stole my boy,
and I will never forgive you for that.

- You think I give a sh*t?
- Just do me a favor, Petra.

You take care of him.

He's a very disgusting little creep.

[sobbing]

[Elliot] Leah, darling,
you have a special guest for dinner.

A guest? Oh, whoa.

Hey, girlie, I have something
so mega rad to show you.

It cost us a lot of blood.

I mean, we're mega f*cking dizzy, bitch.

Wow, so you're just dressed
exactly like me, huh?

Isn't this great?
I get to appreciate my daughter in stereo.

I'm just gonna say it.
This is f*cked up, right?

Nick, stop being such a Virgo right now.

Leah, you feeling me, girlie?

- Wait, what?
- It's like, come on... Whoa.

Ha! She's a psycho little stalker.

Jessi, honey, are you okay?

Hey, Leah, before we eat,
you wanna see my big news?

- What?
- Ta-da.

Ew.

- Ugh, Jessi, put that away.
- Sick.

It's still healing,
but you like it, though, right?

Jessi, did you pierce your own belly
to be like me or something?

- Totes did.
- Because that's actually not cool.

- [echoing] Not cool.
- What? Connie? What's happening?

She hates it. You're humiliated.

Let's finally pass out.

Okay, yeah, let's do that.

Oh!

- [crickets chirping]
- Missy, Elijah's here to see you.

Tell him to come in, I guess.

Knock-knock. That's how you do that,
just so you know.

Now slam the door on him.
Smash his traitorous hussy of a penis.

What do you want?

[sighs] I'm sorry.

I know walking in on that
must have been really confusing,

so I wanted to explain.

I mean, what is there to explain?

I'd be horny for myself too
if I had your screamin' bod.

But I'm not horny.

Even when I was masturbating, I wasn't.
It was just this tingly, pleasant feeling?

- Pleasant?
- He's telling the truth.

Jerking off wasn't a sex thing for us.

We weren't thinking about people
or parts of people.

It was just relaxing. I did a Wordle.

So, it was like non-sexual pleasure?

Exactly, yeah.

And with you, I feel romantic pleasure,
which is also non-sexual, but different.

It... Oh, sorry. It's hard to explain
everything I've been learning.

Wait, I got an idea.

- Maybe you should show her.
- Yeah.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

Wow. So this is Reddit.

Elijah.

Hey, Snoo. I'd like you
to meet my girlfriend, Missy.

Oh, hi, Mister Snoo. Are you also asexual?

No, I'm just an ally.

I actually pipe
that little Snapchat ghost on the reg.

- Oh, okay, uh...
- Missy, look. Here's the thread.

I use my vibrator all the time.

To me, it just feels like
a really nice scalp massage.

Oh, a scalp massage. I get that.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Scalp massages feel flipping amazing.

Like, so satisfying,
but not sexual either.

Totally. There's a million ways
to, like, feel pleasure.

And a million ways to be asexual.

Wow, I guess Reddit
isn't as toxic as people say.

There's something wrong with my Apple TV.

Also, white genocide!

Oh, fudge off!

Well, aside from the rampant bigotry,

Reddit's actually
pretty informational, huh?

I could give you a scalp massage
while you read it.

I guess if you wanted to... Oh, sh*t.

Oh sh*t. What does yellow mean again?

Right letter, wrong spot.

Oh, intuitive.
Yeah, I'm definitely gonna cum.

- [crickets chirping]
- [groans]

[inhales deeply, groans]

Oh man.

Hey, welcome back.

Oh, I'm such a freak.

I totally get it if you never
wanna hang out with me again.

Not gonna lie,
you cosplaying as me was kinda weird.

I know. It's just that
you're such a goddess,

and I'm, like, a little worm.

And not even a cool tequila worm
with sunglasses and a hat.

I guess I just wanted to be more like you,

you know, and just... and just less like me.

But you're rad.

You're smart and kind of mean,
but, like, in a fun way.

And not a worm at all.

Really? Not a worm at all?

I'll take it. That's so nice.

And all you had to do
was lose enough blood to fill a Toyota.

Yeah, I'm still
kind of seeing, like, white spots.

Come on, kid. You've only got
more minutes of study sprinting left.

- [beeps]
- Okay.

I don't know, Petra.
I could use a break.

All right, listen.
If you want a break from homework...

- Yes?
- ...you can research summer internships!

- Okay.
- Fun, right?

- Connecticut!
- Hmm.

"Eight consulting firms
that will hire children."

- Why does my skin love Olay?
- [Andrew gasps]

Diane Lane, fresh out of the shower?

Mmm, I don't miss Jay,

- but maybe I miss who I was with Jay.
- [gasps]

- Maury?
- Sh-sh-shut... shut up, shut up.

I'm sensing something, uh...

A chode awakens.

Oh God. Go get him, I guess.

Andrew! Andrew!

No phthalates or parabens,

- just pure hydration.
- [Andrew moans]

Yes, give your gorgeous face its medicine.

Hey, you can skip the ad now.

Skip the ad, Andrew.

It's Diane Lane, isn't it?

Maury, she's the new Olay lady...

- Skip the ad.
- ...and she's moisturizing her décolletage.

Stop that. You're not
a rancid little perv anymore.

Remember, I fixed you.

No, he is a perv, and damn it,

- that's why I love him.
- Really?

I love you, Andrew Glouberman.

I can't offer you success
or quality of life like Petra can,

but I can offer you this:

jacking off right now to a low-res video
of Diane Lane lotioning her calf.

- Jesus Christ, did you say calf?
- [Diane] And introducing Olay body butter.

Stay strong, Andrew...
Nah, he's already jerking it.

You want body butter?
You want body butter, famous lady?

Yeah, that's my beautiful little creep!

Oh my God, so much is about to come out.
I feel crazy.

f*ck this, I'm outta here! Jetpack up!

Olay!

- Oh, Maury.
- Aww.

- I just can't quit you.
- Same here, cowboy.

[Diane] Olay, love the skin you're in.

- You said it, Diane Lane.
- Oh, she wants it.

I don't wanna see her after I've cum.

♪ 'Cause I'm just
A teenage dirtbag, baby ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby ♪

♪ Listen to Iron Maiden, baby, with me ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

["Teenage Dirtbag" by Wheatus playing]

♪ And her boyfriend's a d*ck ♪

♪ And he brings a g*n to school ♪

♪ And he'd simply kick ♪

♪ My ass if he knew the truth ♪

♪ He lives on my block ♪

- ♪ And he drives an IROC... ♪
- [tires screech]

Chirp.