07x07 - Get the F**k Outta My House

[bunniefuu]

[birds chirping]

- [Jay] Ho-ho-ho! Whoo!
- [phone chimes]

Well, well, well, another text from Danni.
Look at that text to response ratio, guys.

f*ck reading. Call me when
I can smell her tongue in your throat.

- [phone chimes]
- Boo, she just doubled texted me.

I think she's obsessed.

Boy wonder's leaving me
for a new school and a new girl

who, wow, texted twice in a row.
That's rich.

Andrew, can we please not?

Not abandon each other?

No! It's too late,
'cause you already abandoned me.

We're together right now. La Familia!

Why don't we just try to enjoy
this last summer before high school?

Enjoy the summer? That too is rich.

My dad's making me mow the lawn,
paint the garage,

and if it rains, I gotta hold an umbrella
over the patio furniture.

At least you don't have to go
to stupid summer school.

If I can't learn when it's cold,

there's no way I can learn
when I'm sweating my f*ckin' tits off.

Wow, sucks for you guys. Can't relate.

Andrew, look alive.
It's the little traitor's big sister.

Oh, bikini time.

Ew, Andrew, you have to leave.

Oh, come on! I promise to be good.
I'll sit on my hands with my eyes closed.

Somehow that's more disgusting.

Yeah, that's fair. I'll see myself out.

[Jay] Oh sh*t, Andrew!
It's a string bikini!

- Oh.
- [Jay] And there's under boob?

- No!
- [Jay] One of 'em just popped out!

Oh, this summer sucks!

[Jay] Uh-oh, I think she can hear me.

Yep, she's making me leave now too.
You can roll the titles now.

["Changes" by Charles Bradley playing]

♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪

♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ In my life ♪

♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪

[songs fades]

- [doorbell rings]
- Hey! Right on time.

Well, you know me.
My mom drops me off whenever I want. Huh?

Oh, uh, Travis, this is my friend, Nick.

- Nick, this is my entanglement, Travis.
- Hey.

Oh, this is the Travis from the thing?

- I thought we... I thought we hated...
- [laughs]

Yeah, the situation is fluid.

You know it, m*therf*cker. Lots of fluids.

'Sup, lil' dude?

f*ck this guy! Make your voice big too.

- [deep voice] What's up, dude?
- [chuckles]

- See you when I see you.
- Yeah. Nice meeting you, Aaron.

Hold on, is your name Aaron?
Oh my God, that is so embarrassing.

I've been calling you Nick
the whole time like an idiot.

Ugh, this sucks.

That assh*le gets to be,
like, an "entanglement,"

and I'm just a stupid f*cking friend.

Yeah, we also want to be tangled!

Ew! Who the f*ck are you?

The name is Rick,

and you must be Danni's mom.

Can I please have some juice?

Ew! Boy, you're stupid.

Don't call me stupid. I'm trying my best.

Okay, what else? Bedtime is at : p.m.

And please,
don't touch the computer in the kitchen.

It's the hub of the house.

Last time it went down,
we lost everything.

Absolutely, yes, :, lost everything.

- Shall we, my pet?
- [chuckles]

Oh, they're so weird and so in love,
just like you and Elijah were.

Mona, enough grieving
my failed relationship.

I'm a single woman now,
so I'm just gonna focus on my career.

Professional slut to the stars?

No, babysitting.

Ew. Well, that doesn't pay nearly as well.

[birds chirping]

Eh, these summer school kids,
they seem pretty tough.

I think they look sweet.

Are you serious?

That one's got a face tattoo
that just says "face."

Okay. Now, since I can't read,
this is how we're gonna take attendance.

On the count of tree,
everyone yell your name.

One, shoe, tree.

Jay Bilzerian, here!

Hi, Jay!

- What a f*ckin' moron!
- That makes me wanna harm him.

Yeah, in exactly the way
others have harmed me.

- [group grunts]
- Ooh, my truck nuts!

Uh, hey, hey, guys,

I hate books too, but hitting Coach Steve
with them isn't the answer.

[groans] He's right.

- Come on, you'll be safe in here.
- Thank you. You must be a good kid.

Yeah, good at farting. [farts]

- Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?
- Filling it with farts!

Yeah, fart box.

- [all chanting] Fart box! Fart box!
- No fart box! No, no!

Oh God! Steve, try and hold your breath!

[Coach Steve] Don't worry, Jay,
I like the smell of farts,

but I'm afraid of the dark,
so I'm gonna light a match.

Wait, no!

[Coach Steve] All right!
Now I'm naked except for smoke.

Ugh, Maury, this is misery.
This is pure misery.

Hey, Andrew, you missed a spot!

Why does your dad
have to stand in the window

shouting negative reinforcement?

And if you're asking me,
you don't have the legs for those shorts.

At least he stopped
throwing pebbles at me.

[girl] Hi, hello?

- Oh, hi.
- Hey, I'm Marissa.

My mom and I just moved in
across the street.

[gasps] A pretty neighbor,
in this economy?

Um, our recycling bin is full.
Is it cool if we use yours?

Oh, sure. My dad doesn't recycle.

He says he's "not trying
to save the earth for free."

[laughs] Thanks.

Um, hey, do you by any chance
go to Bridgeton Middle?

I'm starting eighth grade in the fall,
and I know, like, nobody.

Oh. I did my undergraduate work
at Bridgeton Middle,

but I'm going to Bridgeton High now.

Ooh, a high school man. Very cool.

Holy sh*t, you f*cking stud.
She's actually into you.

[laughing] You.

[woman] Hey, Marissa.

What the f*ck?

♪ Just one look ♪

♪ And I fell so ha... ♪

♪...a... ♪

♪...ard ♪

- Who... Who dat? Who is that?
- Oh, that's my mom.

[growls]

Marissa's mom has got it goin' on.

Yeah. I was, uh, gonna go
with a more elegant

"Mrs. Robinson" reference, but yeah.

Oh look, you've already made a friend.

Hey, I'm Andrew Kent. I mean Glouberman.
But my friends call me Kent.

And my lovers, heh.
I don't have any right now, though.

Friends or lovers? I hope the latter.

Oh-ho, Marissa, you're a hoot.
What is your name, please, Marissa's mom?

I'm Priya,

and, you know, the old owners
let our yard get pretty overgrown.

Oh, the Sperdutos. Yeah, I'll k*ll 'em,
those assh*le m*therf*ckers.

- Oh!
- [laughter]

Actually, I was hoping
I could hire you to cut it.

Oh, indubitably. I mean, yes.

- Perfect.
- Bye, Andrew.

What? Oh yeah. Yeah, bye.

My goodness, Andrew.

Those two are the most fuckable duo
since the Property Brothers.

I'd let them turn a mud room
into a too small office.

Goodnight, Moon,
which is your actual name.

[sighs]

: p.m. This is usually
when Elijah starts reducing

- his blue light intake before bed.
- [phone rings]

Hey, how's babysitting?
Find anything good in any drawers?

- Dildos? Pills?
- [Missy] What?

Homemade p*rn just laying around?

No. I've just been,
you know, doing my job.

Ew, why?

Snooping through a stranger's house
is the whole point of babysitting.

She's right.
This is an exotic new house, Missy,

and I want to snoop
like Mister D-O-double-G himself.

Okay, I-I-I... I guess I could
just look in the fridge.

Maybe they have some sprouted almonds
or a nice spelt cr*cker.

What are these words you're saying?
Are these foods?

Jessi, I'm gonna hang up on you now
and give in to my deepest darkest desires.

- [Jessi] What?
- Do it, Missy!

Deep throat that two-liter bottle
of high fructose corn syrup.

[belches]

[echoing] I'm a f*cking God!

So, uh, what's the, uh, deal with Travis?
I thought we were mad at him.

Yeah, I was,

but then I realized, like, who cares?

I mean, we never put a label
on our relationship.

The f*ck?
I thought it was an "entanglement."

Now she's calling it a relationship?

This sucks!
Let's take her to small claims court!

I mean, I just met him, but Travis?
I don't love his vibe.

I mean, sure, okay,
he's a little attractive,

but what do you see in him?

Um, well, little big face,

Travis happens to be
the prince of our p*ssy.

- The king of our clit.
- The lord of our labia.

The viscount of our vag*na!

[both] Yes!

- We could go on for days.
- And so could Travis. Ah.

[both laugh]

- Honestly, it's just chill with Travis.
- Oh.

We have chemistry,
and it's fun hooking up with him.

When we say "hooking up,"
what do we really mean, you know?

I mean, I know what I mean when I say it,
but everybody's different.

So what are you talking? Like, kissing?

Boob stuff? Underwear on?
Like, what even is it?

- Nick, you're funny.
- Yeah, he funny, but he ain't fine.

But he is kind of cute, right?

And what if I told you
that he has little bacon and egg pajamas.

Is that sexy?

Oh, so you funny too, huh?

Yeah, I'm funny,
but I'm also fine as a m*therf*cker.

I don't know, you kinda f*cking raggedy,
but somehow, you make it work?

[Coach Steve]
All right, level with me, Jay.

Do I still smell like the farts
of my new friends?

Those kids are not your friends, Steve.

- You need to learn to fight back.
- Okay.

Pretend I'm one of those assh*le kids
and I threw a book at your nuts.

What are you gonna say?

Please be nice to me.
I love you. You're my best friends.

And if you want to be mean to me,
that's fine too.

Aw, come on, Steve.
Don't those bullies piss you off?

Oh, I-I don't like to get angry,
because then Bad Mitten things happen.

[as Bad Mitten]
That's right, I'm a bad f*cking mitten.

Take a wild guess
where I was on January th.

Oh, no, no, no.
Let's put the evil sock puppet away.

[Bad Mitten] Hey, I'm a f*cking mitten,
you snot-nosed dickbag.

Hang on. Maybe you should have
the Bad Mitten discipline those kids.

[laughs] Then they'll respect you.

[as Bad Mitten]
That's right, Coach sh*t-for-brains,

let me handle things.

Okay.

[gulps] Whoo!
All right, I'm feeling jazzed!

What else we gonna do?
Go to the racetrack?

Should we take a bus to Atlantic City?

Ooh, let's go through
the parents' bedroom.

Yeah, I want to see
where they lay as man and wife.

Oh, Missy, Missy! I found lube!

- They use that for sex, don't they?
- Yes, darling. You know so much.

Oh, look at this! My stupid mom
only has a stick of Burt's Bees.

Missy, now listen to me.
You must put on Mrs. Lenardo's makeup.

It is your destiny!

Well, if it's my destiny,

then let's rouge me up
like a cigarette girl!

Hey, guys! It's your girl Lola Skumpy,

here to teach you
how to achieve "slut face."

Oh yeah, I'm a naughty little slut face.

Oh, Missy, it's a lacy brassiere.

It's like my tatas
broke into somebody else's boob house.

Ooh, ooh, look at you, Missy.

You're a grown-up lady

with a husband who loves
to have sex with you.

- He's a lucky man, and he knows it.
- That's why he worships me in the boudoir.

Now let's wriggle around on the bed
where the maritals happen.

Oh yeah! Time to be a wife!

So, yeah,

then I just cut the legs off,
and, boom, shorts.

Well, you certainly have
the legs for them.

Oh, this is incredible.
She has no idea what hot people look like.

She is so perfect for you.

Hey, kids, who wants lemonade?

Oh, Priya. God, you spoil me.

Are you kidding?
Andrew, you are a lifesaver.

Oh stop, but do go on.

[sighs] You know,
Marissa's dad used to mow the lawn.

Yeah, until he bailed on us
for his physical therapist.

What? No. That's insane!

It's really okay.

I don't mean to disparage the child's
father in front of her, darling, but...

Don't worry, he's a piece of sh*t.

But any man who would
take you for granted, Priya...

Damn it, you're lucky to have
that son of a bitch out of your life,

because, honey, you're magnificent,

and someday you're gonna find
a not very toned, but not fat teen

who will worship you
like the goddess you are.

- [sighs] Andrew.
- You are so sweet.

Well, yeah, that's why mosquitoes
keep biting my heinie.

[all laugh]

Wow. Andrew, I've never met
a young man quite like you.

Mom, would it be cool if we invited
Andrew over for dinner tomorrow?

Of course!

Andrew, would you like to join us?

Priya, I will be there with bells on.
And maybe some clothes too.

[all laugh]

- Or maybe no clothes.
- You're crazy.

Can you imagine? Ah, I'm terrible.

- Such an unusual boy.
- Right?

- Andrew, this is astounding.
- I know.

- Marissa is so into you.
- Priya is divine.

What? Priya? Are you nuts?

Marissa's your age,
and you're gonna blow it!

You're right. Priya's an adult.
A mature and sensitive...

- Andrew!
- Sorry, sorry.

- Marissa!
- Yes, Marissa, the... the child.

Yes, which is what you are.

I know, but Priya...

[groans]

Whoo! Mamma mia, papa pia,
that was some high-level orgasming.

- Oh, indeed.
- [phone rings]

Oh. Uh, hi, Mrs. Lenardo.

[Mrs. Lenardo] Hey, wanted to let you know
we're on our way home.

Here? At your house?

- Oh f*ck.
- Okay. Holy fudging sh*t.

Clean, Missy! Hurry!

Clean like you've never cleaned before!

[sped up]
Cleaning, cleaning, moving, washing,

folding, bed-making,

mop the floors, scrubbing, trash,
throw it away.

[panting]

[winded] Hi. I've just been
sitting here waiting for you,

enjoying only
the public rooms of your house.

Oh, it's so nice
to finally have a responsible babysitter.

- You know, we had to fire our last one.
- My goodness. Why?

Well, she kept having boys over,
and she was always stealing my lipstick.

How did you find out?

- We watched the nanny cams.
- The nanny cam, you say?

Nanny cams. They're all over.

Well, you have nothing to worry about.
You're so responsible.

Mona, what are we gonna do?
There is video of me masturbating.

You made child p*rn.

Oh God! Missy and Mona made a p*rn,
and everyone's gonna know!

Okay, so I really like Danni,
but she's hooking up with this other guy.

Is he hot?

Unfortunately,
the dude's like a f*cking smoke show.

Yikes. Continue.

And I'm worried that Danni
just wants to be, like, "friends" with me.

Well, is that so bad?

What? Yeah.

- Okay, but hold on. Is she cool?
- She's the coolest.

- Is she smart?
- She's like a criminal mastermind.

And do you like hanging out with her?

Oh my God, so much.

Well, Nicky,
sounds like you have a cool female friend.

- No!
- [Leah] Come on.

Some of my best relationships
started out as friendships.

- Ohh. So you're saying it's a scheme.
- What?

Yeah. Okay, I get it.
I'll be her "friend,"

and then when this Travis joker fucks up,

I'll be laying in wait,
ready to slither my way into her heart.

No, that's absolutely not what I said.

Do not do any slithering.

Just be a good guy.

- Yes, yes, a good guy.
- [sinister music playing]

Yes, yes, with fingers that do this.

[birds chirping]

- Everyone, shut up! He's coming.
- [Jay yelling, muffled]

Ready? Aim your Super Soakers
full of piss, and f...

[all scream]

[as Bad Mitten] Take that,
you ugly f*cking latchkey fucks.

Ha-ha!

You tell 'em, Coach Steve!

[boy ] I think he broke my rib!

[as Bad Mitten]
That's right, you unteachable f*ck bags.

I'm gonna drown you
like your parents wish they had.

Holy crap, this guy's a psycho.

[boy ] Let's just do whatever he says.

Oh yeah, I guess we should
probably listen to him, right?

[Bad Mitten] Get your dirty little paw
away from me, you stinking animal.

Okay, Steve. Good job, keep it up.

[Bad Mitten]
And don't call me Steve. I'm a Bad Mitten!

And you f*cking perverts.

If you had a shred of dignity,
you'd be watching Grace and Frankie.

Now those are a couple b*tches I respect.

Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God.
What are we gonna do?

[phone ringing]

- Jessi!
- Hey, how'd it go last night?

You give in
to your deepest darkest desires?

Ah, well, I did. So deep, so dark,
and their nanny cam caught it all on tape!

What are you talking about?

I took your advice!
I masturbated all over their bed!

Whoa, that girl is a freak.

- Um, I did not tell you to do that, Missy.
- It was implied!

[Jessi] Okay, calm down.
There's gotta be something we can do.

Oh, wait a minute.

There was a laptop in the kitchen
that controlled everything in the house.

- Oh, great. So let's erase the footage.
- Really? You'll come with me?

Yeah, I'll come, but unlike you,
it won't be all over their house, ya perv.

It wasn't all over the house,
just on the parents' bed.

- [Jessi] Oh.
- Five times.

Jesus, that's a lot of times.

You could be doing those numbers.
You just gotta want it, Jessi.

Ugh, f*ck.

Oh, that was so close.
Why don't you try again?

[grunts, groans]

I wanna pounce. Is it time to pounce yet?

No, we're pretending
to be her friend, remember?

You know, I have an idea
on how to make this game more interesting.

- Playing for our parents' money?
- No.

I was thinking we should play for secrets.

- Okay, yeah, I like that.
- Oh.

This boy, he'll tell you anything.

If one of us sinks a sh*t,

the other one has to tell a secret
they've never told anyone before.

Okay. Well, ladies first.

- [grunts]
- Whoa!

You hustled me.

Yep. So, what do you got?

Tell her about how you're pretending
to be her friend.

No, no. It's gotta be something
not too embarrassing

that simultaneously makes her think
she wants to spend her life with me.

Ticktock, Nicky Birch.
You owe me a secret.

Okay, I'm gonna make something up.

- Ooh, tell her you created Star Wars.
- Please shut up.

I, uh... I once, uh,
stole a pack of cigarettes

from the, uh, cigarette store,

and then I smoked the cigarettes
in the woods with a girl.

Oh, come on. That's bullshit.

Give me something real.
And I'll know if you're lying.

Uh, okay. How about, uh, this?

I'm... [clears throat]

I'm kind of pretending
to be friends with you because,

in actuality, I like-like you.

- Interesting.
- Okay.

- Lil' big face came to play.
- [grunts]

Whew, thank God.

- Okay, your turn.
- Okay.

Well, my secret,

you hanging out and being friends with me
is kind of working.

Yeah. I ain't gonna lie,
it's getting sexy.

Yeah, it was sexy like this
when Nick came up with Star Wars.

You tellin' me
this little boy is George Lucas?

I have no idea who that is, baby.

Wow, look at you.
Andrew, you are a natural pasta maker.

Eh, grazie.

Oh, you have a little flour on your nose.
Let me just get that.

Oh, she's touching your nose,
which is the d*ck of your face.

Right. 'Cause when you sneeze, you come.

And I think Marissa
wants to make you sneeze.

Wow, Andrew, you have such good technique.

I actually learned watching
Under the Tuscan Sun.

- There's this scene where Diane Lane...
- Cooks for the workers?

- Yes, yes! Who were renovating her villa.
- Oh my God. Marissa hated that movie.

- Well, it's not Nickelodeon.
- Andrew!

[moans] Oh.

Holy sh*t, bless the angels.

Andrew, Andrew, stay with me,
here, with Marissa.

It's too late, man. I'm going to Tuscany.

- [romantic music playing]
- Andrew, should we pull over

so I can ravish you
in that lush field of poppies?

Feeling the delicate petals
on my bare buttocks?

- Yeah.
- Only if I can weep in your arms after.

- Uh, Andrew?
- What? What? I'm back.

- Could you help me crank the pasta?
- Oh, yeah, sure. I guess.

What the hell are you doing?
You're blowing it with Marissa.

Forget Marissa! Her mom is my destiny.

But you can actually
get with the daughter.

Touch her boobs, get a handy,
or even a mouthy!

Maury! This isn't about sex,
this is about love,

and Marissa might be a sure thing,

but if there's even a one in chance
that I could make a life with Priya,

charming, elegant Priya,

with a laugh
like wind chimes in the summer breeze,

then brother, I must take that chance.

I hate you so much right now.

[doorbell rings]

You sure this is gonna work?

I'm telling you, it's the perfect lie.
She'll have to let you in.

Hey, Missy, what are you doing here?

Hello. I think I left my grandmother's
Holocaust ring in the powder room.

Oh my God. Come in.

When they took her to Buchenwald,
she hid it deep in her crevices...

No, no, I get it. Just come in.

No one can deny the Holocaust ring.

Jessi, let's not use
"deny" and "Holocaust"

in the same sentence, okay?

Steve, it worked!

The Bad Mitten
scared the sh*t outta everyone.

The only reason
they're not reporting you is,

nobody in the school district
cares about us.

[as Bad Mitten] f*ck you, kid.
You think I give a sh*t?

[nervous laugh] Okay.
Steve, you can take the mitten off now.

I tried, I can't... [growling]

[as Bad Mitten] That's right,
I'm in charge now,

you dirty d*ck David Blaine wannabe f*ck.

- Hey!
- I'm sorry, Jay, I can't control...

[as Bad Mitten]
Don't apologize to that little bitch.

He's abandoning you,
just like they all are,

'cause you're a dumb
f*cking piece of sh*t loser.

[Coach Steve] Ow! Help me, Jay!

Oh, f*ck. This whole thing was my idea!
What have I done?

[as Bad Mitten] You released the mitten,
and I ain't never going back.

- Now get the f*ck outta my house.
- [screams] No, no, no!

[birds chirping]

- Priya, the pappardelle was a revelation.
- So good, Ma.

Aw, thanks, guys.

Shall I plate the tiramisu?
I think I shall. [chuckles]

- Um, hey, Andrew?
- Yes, what? What do you want?

I-I was wondering,
since I'm, like, new in town,

if you might like to take me out
and show me around?

Yes. Say yes!

Oh, sweetheart,
I-I wish I could, but I simply cannot.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

- Oh. Okay.
- Marissa, honey, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing. Andrew just doesn't
wanna go out with me. It's cool.

Oh. Why not?

- 'Cause, Priya...
- Don't!

- ...dear, sweet Priya...
- I said don't!

...I'm in love with you.

- [both] What?
- Jesus Christ!

I know it seems crazy
in this cockeyed world.

What the f*ck are you even talking about?

Of course there will be challenges.
People will talk. But who cares?

Andrew, I'm an adult. You are a child.

Oh, I know, but, Priya, I have a vision.

Oh, Andrew.

It's the stroke of midnight
on my th birthday.

We toast, water with no ice.

You lay me down on a rose petal strewn bed
and we make love, wild love.

- What?
- We elope the next morning,

and we never sleep apart until both of us
are dead and in the ground.

Jesus. Are you out of your f*cking mind?

Yes! It's a big problem!

Oh my God!

None of that is ever going to happen.

I see.

- Okay, Marissa, I'll go out with you.
- Get the f*ck out of my house!

So, what? Nobody? So nothing for me?

- Go!
- Go!

Yeah, that's fair. I'll see myself out.

[Missy] Okay, now I stick the tampon
between the two pads.

That's right, making a period panini.

- And flush.
- [toilet flushes]

Gadzooks! The toilet is overflowing,

and I was just in here
taking a regular pee!

Oh, Jesus. I'm coming!

sh*t, there's a password.

Try mine.
It's "jizz" with six z's and a pound sign.

It didn't work. What now?

Ooh. Pour a full glass of water
on the keyboard.

That's where the brains live.

Ooh, I love that.

Yeah, fill it up nice and high,
right up to the rim.

Okay, wow.
This is kind of fun when it's on purpose.

- Let me grab paper towels.
- sh*t.

[both] Aah!

- Who are you, and what are you doing?
- [screams] Oh God, an intruder!

- Missy!
- Call the cops!

What the hell is going on here?

Okay, fine, I admit it.

I used your lipstick and dressed up
like an elegant married woman

and masturbated all over your bed.

Five times. The cat was staring at us,
and we didn't care.

And then I came back
to the scene of the crime

to destroy the nanny cam footage,
but you caught us, lady, you caught us!

The nanny cam footage
deletes every hours,

and we weren't even gonna look at it
because you seemed so responsible.

- Oh.
- But then you snuck in here,

lied to me,
broke my computer and my toilet?

I guess the cover-up
was worse than the crime, huh?

- Missy, get the f*ck out of my house.
- Oh, uh, absolutely.

- And please don't tell my mom.
- [Mrs. Lenardo] Out!

[both laughing]

- Hi, you must be the famous Danni.
- Mom!

I've told her nothing about you.

You're not, like, super important
to me or anything, so...

Well, you're not, like,
super important to me either.

- Good. So we're on the same page.
- Yeah.

So, how do, uh, two people
who are not, like, you know,

super important to each other
say goodbye?

We could, I don't know, hug?

A hug? You mean where our bodies
pressed against each other?

[blows raspberry]
Sure, I guess so. That'd be fine.

Aw, so sweet.

- Mom, you're ruining my life!
- [laughs]

[car door closes]

Come on, you're telling me

you didn't feel anything
when Nick and I hugged?

I mean, maybe a little drip,
but with Travis...

Oh my God, enough about Travis.

That boy turns on the hose
and floods your basement.

Yeah, but Nick's nice. He makes me laugh.

Eh, but you can't f*ck laughter.

But he really likes me.

Nick is the kind of guy I should be with.
Why won't you get on board?

Because it don't work like that, baby.

♪ Girl, I hate to see you stressing
So I'mma hit you with a helpful lesson ♪

♪ It ain't up to you who you feel into ♪

♪ When you got a p*ssy
That you need to attend to ♪

♪ You got one dude smart and funny
Making you laugh, dude's sweet as honey ♪

♪ But if he's so brainy
Tell me why can't he ♪

♪ Figure out a way
To put a thrill in your panties ♪

♪ Then there's the hot dude
The not so smart dude ♪

♪ m*therf*cker's so lit
When he bringin' that sh*t ♪

♪ Put you in that
Need to hit your clit mood ♪

♪ So just quit that funny boy dreaming ♪

♪ 'Cause there's laughing
Then there's creaming ♪

♪ Does he make your p*ssy wet or dry? ♪

♪ That's the only question
And the p*ssy don't lie ♪

- ♪ The laws of attraction ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Don't care about nothing
But your carnal satisfaction ♪

♪ It's all in the p*ssy
And the p*ssy don't lie ♪

- [singers] ♪ The laws of attraction ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[singers] ♪ Gotta trust that feeling
'Cause your brain is out of action ♪

[singer vocalizing]

[Megan] ♪ It ain't me
Who made the system ♪

♪ Lady p*ssy, she's filled with wisdom
She and d*ck got their own damn mind ♪

♪ Calling all the sh*ts
Since the dawn of time ♪

♪ You see, everybody got their should ♪

♪ But baby, their should
Don't give you that wood ♪

♪ So girl
Take a little bit of that pressure off

♪ You gonna land with the man
That gets you off ♪

So Danni, what is your p*ssy telling you?

[groans]

She says I wanna keep
hooking up with Travis?

There it is! I knew it!

♪ The laws of attraction ♪

♪ Don't care about nothing
But your carnal satisfaction ♪

♪ It's all in the p*ssy
And the p*ssy don't lie ♪

[singers] ♪ It's the laws of attraction ♪

♪ You can't out think it
'Cause your brain is out of action ♪

[Megan] ♪ It's all about the p*ssy
And the p*ssy don't lie ♪

♪ Ain't up to you
When you're picking your guy ♪

♪ It's a force of nature
Primitive, primal ♪

♪ Ain't in your brain, it's all vaginal
You can't choose who lights your fuse ♪

♪ If he don't make you wet
That dude gonna lose ♪

♪ It's deep in your wiring, can't deny ♪

♪ It's all about the p*ssy
And the p*ssy don't lie. Ah! ♪

[hip-hop playing]

Chirp.