01x03 - When Moms att*ck

[bunniefuu]

I know what you're thinking.

But I have the situation totally under control.

I've been packing for this overnight science field trip since, like, last year.

Am I insane? I can't pack that.

I might as well pack the pink ducky pajamas.

Sorry, Mr.

Snuggles.

I'd never live it down if I brought you.

Here's the lowdown on our trip.

Downside: bugs, snakes and my science teacher Mr.

Pettus.

Upside: 48 hours in the woods, parentless.

Just me, Miranda, and Gordo.

It's like Survivor but for school credit.

Season 1 Episode 3 When Moms att*ck If you believe, we've got a picture
-perfect plan We've got you fooled 'Cause we only do the best we can Sometimes we make it And sometimes we fake it But we get one step closer each and every day We'll figure it out on the way Who calls during breakfast? Hello? Okay, let's go over this one more time.

Flashlight? Check.


-Non
-dorky pajamas?
-Check.

Mom wants to know if you have batteries for your flashlight.

Mom, Matt's on the phone! What are you doing? Respect your sister's privacy.

Honey, do you have batteries for that flashlight? Mom, I'm talking to my friends.

I know that; I'm sorry.

Hey, you guys.

Hey, Gordo, hey, Miranda.

Hi, Mrs.

McGuire.

You guys are going to have the best time camping out staying up all night, telling ghost stories.


-You know, I remember
-Okay, Mom, there wasn't enough clean underwear for me to pack.

Oh, my.

Bye, guys.

Brilliant ruse.

Have you guys gotten "The Talk" yet? You mean the "Stick With Your Buddy" talk? No, but I'm sure it's coming.

I'll see you guys on the bus.

If I don't get lost first.

Mom, I'm old enough to pack by myself.

Plus, it's only overnight.

I know but it's not like you're going overnight to Miranda's house.

You know, I can't just swing by if you forget something.

I mean, you're taking this big step into this whole new world and I just want to make sure that you're fully prepared before I let you go.

Now, I want you to listen to your chaperone and stick with your buddy.

Disappear once in a mall when you're six and you're branded for life.

Why can't I go camping? We'll camp this weekend with your mom.

In the house.

But it's not the same.

I mean, you won't even let me light a campfire in the living room.

Oh, I know, he's such a wet blanket.

Honey, you don't have any toilet paper in here.

Mom, it doesn't say to pack any toilet paper on the list.

Well, you can't go to the woods without toilet paper.

If humiliating me were an Olympic event my mother would take home the gold.

Hey, Lizzie, we were talking and wanted to know if you remembered to pack Mr.

Snuggles.


-Mr.

Snuggles?
-You know, your fuzzy little piggy that you can't sleep without? One time at a sleep
-over Lizzie forgot to pack Mr.

Snuggles and her mommy had to come and drop him off.

Oh, and you had those great pajamas, too.

What were they, pink puppies? They were ducks not puppies.

Whatever.

Did your mommy remember to pack your pink ducky pajamas? Or has she stopped shopping at Dorks 'R Us? So, Kate, besides an "F" in science what else do you expect to find in the woods today? To tell you that I'd have to talk to you.

Which I don't.

I wonder if Spielberg started this way.

Thanks, Gordo.

What about me? I helped.

Yeah, Miranda, you helped her.

"No, they were pink duckies.

" I tried.

Well, I'm off to record adolescent milestones.

Danny, what do you expect to find in the woods? Something like When Wild Animals att*ck.


-Repeat after me: "Would you like fries with that?"
-Huh? Ethan, that's an interesting choice of clothing for a camping trip.

Care to explain it? Get that camera out of my grille, dawg.

That was almost the shortest filmmaking career ever.

Get me before Mr.

Pettus comes in.

What do you expect to find in the woods? Well, I expect to find a lot of animals.

I really like bears Okay, kids, listen up.

A final announcement before we load up the bus.

There's a small problem with the girls' chaperone.

It seems our own Mrs.

Stebel ate a little something Well, no need to badmouth the cafeteria.

Now, don't worry
-
- we don't have to cancel because we found a last
-minute replacement.

Ugh, I hope it's not Coach Kelly.

I secretly think that she and Mr.

Booth, the janitor are the same person.

Or Mrs.

Nangle.

She has the weirdest teeth.

I saw her eating lunch once.

Ooh, scary.

Anyone you get is going to be better than Mr.

Pettus.

I put a frog in his lab coat on Monday.

It's still there today.

Well, let's see who our Mystery Chaperone is.

And here she is.

A big round of applause for the chaperone who stepped in and saved the day
-
- Mrs.

McGuire! this is not happening! Hey, guys.

Hey, Mrs.

McGuire.

Hi, Mrs.

McGuire.

Not happening! Mom, what are you doing here? Weren't you listening? Mrs.

Stebel ate in the cafeteria.

Mom, I swear I won't get lost.

Well, of course you won't get lost, honey 'cause I'm going to be your buddy.

And don't worry, I won't embarrass you 'cause remember, I'm a cool mom.

McGuire's a common name.

Maybe people will think it's a coincidence.

Hi, Mrs.

McGuire.

Did Lizzie forget to pack Mr.

Snuggles again? Mr.

Snuggles wasn't invited.

But I remembered to bring enough toilet paper for everybody.

Guess what? You can die of embarrassment.

Where's Mom? On her field trip with Lizzie.

Mom's chaperoning Lizzie's field trip? Yep.

Lizzie's going to hate that.

Cool.

It's just us men tonight.

Men, men, men, men, men, men, men Son, why don't we see what Mom left us for dinner.

Hmm It's that tuna
-noodle casserole she's been trying to get us to eat for the past three weeks.

Oh, man, that is just plain mean.

It says to heat at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.

I don't think heating is going to help.

It's just going to make it angry.

We're going to starve, aren't we? It's just going to be like that movie where everybody starved, isn't it? We're not going to starve.


-We aren't?
-No, son.

We're going to cook.

Ahh! We're going to starve! We're going to starve! Matt, don't you worry your spiky little head.

I've got it under control.

We're going to starve! The object of this afternoon's hike is to identify and classify as many species of plants and animals as possible.

We're going to split up into two groups.

The girls will be led by Mrs.

McGuire.

They will be the Tagi.

Yeah! And the boys will be led by myself.

We will be the Pagong.

The group who identifies the most species of plants and animals will not have to eat a rat for dinner.

I
-I
-I'm kidding, of course.

He must've jumped into my pocket when we got off the bus.

Hop away, little fellow.

He must be nocturnal.

Anyway, the winners will get to relax after the hike and the losers will get to dig up earthworms with me for the class worm farm.

Any questions? Yes, Kate? You don't mean worms from the ground, do you? Yes, Kate, worms from the earth.

Earthworms.

Can I bring a doctor's note on Monday to excuse me from this? No.

Then how do I get out of worm digging? You identify more plants and animals than the boys.

Okay, everybody, let's go.

Pagong, follow me.

Mrs.

McGuire, we better not lose.

I am so not digging for worms.

I am so not digging for worms.

Okay, girls.

Who are we? And you guys go "Tagi!" Tagi What are we going to do? You guys go, "Win.

" Win.

Okay, then.

Tonight on LizzieVision: "When Good Moms Go Bad.

" Is there somewhere else that I could be? Anywhere but here is fine with me Searching, searching low and high There's nothing here as far as I can see I was right! It is a Yellow
-Bellied Sapsucker.

Excellent job.

High five, girlfriend! My mom just high
-fived my best friend.

And the worst part is she actually thinks she's being cool.

Okay, "Yellow
- Bellied Sapsucker.

"Found in woodlands.

Drills holes in bark to"
-Salt?
-Got it.


-Half a dozen oranges?
-Got it.

One whole duck? A whole duck.

Huh.

No got it.

We've got hamburger and Fudgsicles.

You know, duck isn't entirely necessary for duck l'orange.

We'll improvise.

The best chefs in the world always think on their feet.


-I got a bad feeling about this.


-Me, too.

and that is the story of the Yellow
-Bellied Sapsucker.

Come on, girls, get up.

Wow, it's really quiet.

It is too quiet.

Do you see something? No.

Is anybody there? Pagong Oh! How could you do that?! I was just getting in touch with my hunter
-warrior instincts.


-Gordo!
-Survival of the fittest?
-Gordo!
-It was Ethan's idea.

Don't leave your buddy! That was so unfair.

How could we have identified anything? Our guidebooks were soaked! Mr.

Pettus should've disqualified them.

That was the grossest thing I have ever done.

I can't believe I touched a worm.

A worm? Try hundreds of worms.

You know, this is all your mother's fault.

She is a terrible leader.

What a waste of a manicure.

It doesn't matter whose fault it is.

The point is, we have to get back at the boys.

Any ideas? Earthworms in their bunks.

Absolutely not, Lizzie.

At 6:27 on Friday night my mother destroyed what was left of my life.

There is no way we are putting earthworms in the boys' bunks tonight.

Forget the boys.

Mom's getting earthworms in her bunk tonight.

Oh, yeah.

Someone would have to take them in there.

Do we really want to touch the worms again? Forget it, and besides, boys like earthworms.

We have to get them back and the only thing we have more of than earthworms is toilet paper.

Maybe we should fill their bunks with toilet paper.

Oh, that's a great idea.

We can be winners, we can deliver We've got a plan 'Cause we're no fools We're no fools And our team rules We're gonna master any disaster We'll take a stand But if we run out of luck Get ready to duck Maybe we shouldn't have tried to make duck l'orange.

Especially not with hamburger.

You know, the tuna
-noodle casserole is sounding pretty good.

That's the hunger talking.

Dad? Are we going to die? Okay, come on.

Now, this is fun.

You wouldn't be saying that if it was your mom.

My mom wouldn't lead a midnight teepee raid on the boys' tent.

Okay, this is it.

Mrs.

McGuire are you going to get us into any more trouble? Yeah, you may get in trouble.

Well, stay in the tent and let the boys have their victory.

Stay in the tent and maybe you won't get detention.

Or you can follow me and teepee.

Here.

Do your w*r paint.

Are you kidding me? Stop encouraging her! Come on.

If this was anyone else's mom you'd be having the time of your life.

Exactly, but it's not.

Okay, girls, we have this one chance this one moment to get back at the boys.

Don't let your digging for earthworms be in vain.


-Who are we?
-Taaaaagi!
-What are we going to do?
-Win!! Let's do this.

You guys, go! Get out!! Go! Run back to the tent! Mrs.

McGuire? No! Tagi.

Pizza's good.

Got here quick, too, huh? Dad, we've got to hang out more often.

What was with the toilet paper that you brought? Listen, you're just being so unfair.

I can't even believe I'm having this conversation.

I'm being unfair? You Detention for a year is the odds
-on favorite.

Ugh, you're not helping.

This whole thing was your stupid idea.

Now your mom's going to tell and we're all going to be in trouble.


-Thanks, Lizzie.


-Well, you did it, too.

Whatever.

She's right.

We're so busted.


-It happens.


-No.

I cannot get detention.

People like me don't do well in detention.

I'll never survive.

It'll go on my permanent record.

I won't be able to get into college and I'll end up dipping cones at the local Dairy Freeze.

I like those cones.

I'll be going now.

That's not how a chaperone should act.

Okay, kids listen up.

Mrs.

McGuire are we going to have detention forever? Girls, when you're an adult you learn that all of your actions have consequences.

Knew it.

And you have to live with those consequences, good or bad.

It's gonna be bad.

It's gonna be real bad.

But one good thing about being a kid is that you have parents who can sometimes bail you out.

I told Mr.

Pettus I acted alone.

I took the rap.

OK, just when you're ready to trade her in for a new model, your mom does something cool and you realize she's pretty much the coolest mom in the whole world.


-Mom.


-Oh, what have I done to annoy you now? Okay, I guess I've been a little hard on you.


-Yeah.


-Then I'm sorry because I'm really glad that you could come along on this trip.


-You are?
-Yeah.

Honey, I know having your mom along wasn't exactly what you had in mind for this weekend.

Well, not exactly.

But I think everyone really kind of wishes that you were their mom right now.

And I'm really glad that you're mine.

Ooh! High fives are always really dorky, though.

Oh.

Thank you.


-Who are we?
-Tagi!
-What are we going to do?
-Win! Okay, let's get on the bus.

Kate.

I think you owe me an apology.

I don't owe you an apology.

You're right.

You owe my mom an apology.

You know, without my mom this trip would have been canceled.

She dug worms with us, and she took the blame for something we all did.

Now, you owe her an apology.

You're insane.

Whatever happened to the Kate I used to be friends with? The Kate I used to have sleepovers with? Or the Kate that I have pictures of with her favorite teddy bear? Um Mr.

Stewart Wugglesby? So, where's your mom? Um, Mrs.

McGuire Hi, Lizzie.

Way to go! The next Monday at school, my mom was pronounced Coolest Mom Ever, of all time, in the history of the universe.

She could always lead next month's teepee raid during the museum field trip.

Lizzie, is your mom chaperoning that? I don't think she'll be chaperoning for a while.

Sometimes you do get the best of both worlds: a cool mom and a parent banned from all school field trips.

Made for Sis Without my mom I can do this, I can do this That was not funny!