02x31 - The Gordo Shuffle

[bunniefuu]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Oh, hey, Lizzie, thanks for getting

my back in Spanish yesterday.

I had no idea that "¿Cómo te llamas?"

meant "What's your name?"

I really thought

there was a llama at school.

Oh, sure. No problemo.

The only thing better

than talking to Ethan Craft,

is talking to him in two languages.

So, cómo estás?

Or as I'd like to say, what's up, yo?

Actually, maybe it's best

if he didn't speak at all.

You guys are never gonna guess

what came in the mail

for me the other day.

A new skateboard, food, CDs,

a cell phone, money?

Mmm, kind of. A credit card.

A credit card?

What do you need a credit card for?

I don't, but this one came in the mail

for me with my name on it,

and I'm pre-approved

with a $, line of credit.

That makes you, like, a millionaire.

Not to mention, in with the ladies.

Why? It's not like I'm gonna keep it.

Dude, you have to keep it.

I would rather impress the ladies

with what's in my mind

than what's in my wallet.

That's deep.

Besides, what could I possibly use

a credit card for, anyway?

Well, for emergencies.

Like when you're out of cash

at the mall,

and the skirt you want is on sale.

And think about

your independence, Gordo.

You would never have to ask

your parents for anything ever again.

But I like asking

my parents for things.

It's really the only time

I ever talk to them.

I don't know much, but I do know

if I had something that valuable,

I wouldn't be so quick to give it up.

Hmm. Maybe you guys

are onto something.

I mean, I am responsible.

It's not like

I'll abuse the privilege.

Exactly. It's you

we're talking about, Gordo.

The credit card will probably just sit

in your wallet, collecting dust.

Fine, I'll keep it.

What could possibly go wrong?

Yeah, like I never heard

that one before.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

You are so gonna get an A

in your science fair project.

Yep. A cardboard skeleton of myself

is totally original.

Nobody else is going to come close.

Given your project any thought yet?

Nah. I've been kind of busy.

Yeah, right. Doing what?

Watching cartoons?

Relax. I got plenty of time.

I mean, the science fair

isn't even until the end of the month.

The end of the month is next week.

What?

Okay. That'll be $.

Hey, I got an idea.

I thought that was

only for emergencies.

Let's just see what happens.

Just because some anonymous

credit card company sent it to me,

doesn't mean I can actually use it.

Look at me, I'm still a kid.

There you go.

Uh, sorry, no can do.

Oh, well.

You need to sign the back of it first

before I can run the charge.

Well, do you have a pen?

Actually, um, we'll use cash.

We will?

I just wanted to see

what would happen, Lizzie.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

I'm running kind of low on cash.

You got this one?

I'll go find us a table.

[SCOFFS]

If my best friend

is the one with a credit card,

why am I paying?

Oh, who am I kidding?

It's still Gordo.

Ah! Life's so unfair.

MATT: [IN SEAN CONNERY'S ACCENT]

So, as you see, if you melted

all the ice in the world,

the ocean would rise

to completely submerge

the first floors

of the Empire State Building.

-Matt, I was drinking that.

-Hold on.

And not on my gnome lamp.

[IN NORMAL ACCENT] Guys, oh, come on.

This could've been

my future science project.

Oh, you mean the one

that I offered to help you with

when it was assigned three weeks ago?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

What can I say? I lost track of time.

Okay, Matt,

I'm willing to help you out here,

seeing as it's the eleventh hour.

What are some of the other kids

in your class doing?

Well, there is this one kid

doing a knuckle cracking display.

A knuckle cracking display?

-[KNUCKLES CRACKING]

-Okay. Okay. How is that scientific?

-Mm.

-Okay, I got an idea.

Why don't you get two cans,

put a string in between them

and make a telephone?

-Does that really work?

-Oh, yeah.

Not actually, no.

Mom, Dad, thanks for helping,

but you're not really helping.

I guess I'm just doomed.

Oh, Sam.

I can't help but feel

partially responsible for this.

I mean, maybe Matt's procrastination

is a reflection of our parenting.

You know, I was just thinking

the same thing.

Well, what do we do?

I don't know.

You wanna see what's on the cable?

-Yeah. I'll make some popcorn.

-Okay.

Well, I was thinking that I would go

with the bubblegum pink nail polish,

but that's only

if I go with the plaid top.

Man, I can't wait for Miranda

to get back from vacation.

I've told you before

and I'll tell you again,

when it comes to this girly stuff,

I am not your guy.

Well, maybe if you came

over here, Gordo,

you'd know what I was talking about.

I really need someone's opinion.

Did I just invite Gordo over

for fashion tips?

[SIGHS] Just call me desperate.

Sorry, I can't.

I am writing a screenplay.

Oh, what's it about?

Well, it's a coming-of-age story

about this young guy

who just can't seem to find acceptance

in his community,

which is made worse when he falls

for the sheriff's daughter.

Oh, sounds kind of interesting.

Where's the car chase?

Where's the action?

Where's the monkey?

I'd love to read it.

Screenplays aren't meant to be read,

they're meant to be seen.

Well, how am I supposed to see it

unless you actually film it?

That's it. That's it!

Lizzie, you're brilliant.

Even though I know that,

it's always nice to be told.

I can produce my movie

with the credit card I just got.

What? Gordo, you wouldn't even buy me

a smoothie with that credit card.

And now you're gonna use it

to film a movie?

Okay, I know he called me brilliant,

but I don't remember saying anything

about using his credit card

to make a movie.

Look, I gotta go.

I have a movie to produce.

Just remember the little people

along the way.

[FANFARE MUSIC]

It's a big coming-of-age story

about a young alien

who can't seem to find acceptance

in his intergalactic community,

which is made worse when he falls

for the princess of the kingdom.

You said "intergalactic."

Yes, I am your man.

I will totally be your...

What do you call it?

My technical advisor

on all things intergalactic.

That means space ports.

Alien identity, history,

inter-planetary communications,

your basic sci-fi and sci-fact info.

Are we talking about your movie?

Yeah. Look,

time's a-wasting, Tudgeman.

I want to start filming this weekend.

And remember, money's not an object.

That is music to my ears, Gordo.

Hey, may the force be with you.

May it be with us all.

Is this the same movie

that we were talking about last night?

Yeah, with just a few minor changes.

It just sounds kind of different.

Well, that's because this movie

is gonna turn me

from some kid with a video camera

into a young, budding

feature film director.

Well, when he puts it like that.

-And why is money no object?

-It's called a credit card, Lizzie.

Look, I'm gonna charge everything now,

but then I won't have to pay them back

until the bill comes,

which won't be

for at least another few weeks.

And even then, I only have to

pay them back a little bit at a time.

With interest.

Whatever that is.

Sounds like you've got it

all figured out.

Yeah. Well, that's what happens

you're a triple thr*at like me.

-Move over, Coppola.

David Gordon's on the set.

-[LIZZIE LAUGHS]

Gordo, I just want to say thanks.

The part of the princess

is one I can totally relate to,

even if her boyfriend is hideous.

Besides, it's the biggest part,

so I'm really happy.

And as the personal stylist

of your movie star,

I've a list of hair and wardrobe ideas

to go over

at your earliest convenience.

Not a problem. Hair and wardrobe

are very important

in establishing the right look.

We'll just need the credit card

to capture that look.

Not a problem.

Okay, we'll get back to you

working with Kate in a minute,

but you just agreed

to give Claire your credit card.

Lizzie, this is

my first big budget film.

You do whatever you have to.

Well, don't you think charging

all this stuff is going to add up?

Add up to my big success.

Lizzie, this film's gonna be

my calling card.

I just worry, Gordo.

I mean, I don't want you

to lose sight of your goal.

You know how you get

obsessed with things.

Like, remember Dwarflord?

This is totally different.

Look, this is about

my future, my dreams.

I really thought

you'd understand this.

Well, I just...

You never talk to me about it.

Never talk to you?

How can you say that?

How long have you known me, Lizzie?

Almost my whole life.

And in that time,

how long have I wanted to make movies?

Well, forever.

Gordo, I just don't want you

to get into trouble.

There you go again.

You know what, Lizzie?

Why don't you do us both a favor

and keep your negativity off my set?

-I gotta go. I've got a film to make.

-Gordo.

Life sure was easier

when we were broke,

living on planet Earth.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Run faster.

[MOUTHING]

Gordo, I can't work this way.

There's no hot water

in my dressing room,

and I can hear

the dork-estra rehearsing.

It's breaking my concentration.

And Kate needs to concentrate.

She's your star.

Good thing I charged

these high-tech earplugs for her.

Tudgeman.

I am copying the pages

as fast as I can.

Besides that, I'm out of change

for the copy machine.

Change? Just use the card.

And see what you can do

about getting Kate some hot water.

Hot water?

Hey, you tried turning it on?

I only drink bottled water.

It's for my voice. I'm delicate.

-Just charge it, okay?

-Charge water?

Look, Tudgeman,

am I a babysitter or a director?

Look, you're here so you can handle

all the little stuff,

so I can take care of the big stuff,

like sh**ting this thing.

-Got it?

-Yeah, I got it.

Oh, yeah. You know, you might want

to talk to Kate's dialogue coach.

Apparently, he has a few "suggestions"

for the script. I don't know.

So, you know,

I saw this cartoon the other night.

Of course, you did.

And it really got me thinking,

because, like, you know, this chicken,

he was trying to cross the road,

but this farmer was chasing it,

so it had to cross the road...

in this really complicated way.

Okay, so you have a farmer

chasing a chicken

as your science fair project?

Not quite.

Behold.

I'm not sure I get it.

Well, you see, the car

goes down the track,

that starts the train,

that knocks over the dominoes,

that gets the hamster

started on the wheel,

that turns on the toaster, and voilà!

Toast.

-May I make a small suggestion?

-Please.

Make it bigger.

-Bigger?

-Much, much bigger.

Okay. So, Kate, start,

start out the door. Um...

I hate it when Gordo's mad at me.

But what I hate even more

is not having Miranda here

to talk to about all of this.

Next time she goes on vacation,

I'm going with her.

-Hey!

-ETHAN: Uh, sorry, Lizzie.

It's really hard

to see out of this mask thingy.

Maybe Gordo really is a good director.

Ethan looks disgusting.

-Uh, you look really ugly.

-Thanks.

Whoo, now I can see and breathe.

Aren't you gonna watch?

We're about to start filming.

Oh, um, I'm good right here.

Which totally makes no sense,

considering Gordo and I

are best friends.

Yeah, but Gordo's really psyched

about this being

his first big budget dealio.

Yeah. So psyched that

he doesn't want me involved at all.

I kind of don't get it.

No, see, if Miranda were here,

she would totally get it.

I thought you and Gordo were tight.

And since this means a lot to him...

Fine, if he's really gonna make me

spell it out for him.

Look, Ethan, Gordo and I

are tight, okay?

But we got in this stupid argument,

so now we're not talking to each other

because he thinks

that I'm not being supportive,

which is why I'm not in there

helping him turn the cafeteria

into a spaceship

or getting Kate's wigs.

So I'm fine right here. Okay?

Oh, okay, I get it.

[SIGHS]

Thank you.

But by standing here, Gordo's right.

-What do you mean?

-You're not being supportive.

-Excuse me, Jethro.

-That's my character's name.

Yeah. You're needed on set,

all ugly and stuff,

so leave your mask on.

That was a joke.

Uh, I know you're not

wearing your mask.

-Oh, just come with me.

-Good luck with being supportive.

Did Ethan have to get ugly

to become so smart?

Untitled David Gordon project.

Take one. Mark.

[CLAPPERBOARD CLAPS]

And action.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

-[KATE GASPS]

-Cut.

It's not my fault.

These boots are so heavy.

Besides, I'm a princess.

Shouldn't somebody

be doing my walking for me?

Let's just try it again, okay?

[SIGHS]

Untitled David Gordon project.

Take two. Mark.

And action.

I said action.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]

Was I supposed to talk now

or something?

Cut.

Take three. Mark.

And action.

That is why my father,

ruler of Sarnip,

would never be approved.

Oh, that's not right.

Cut.

Take nine. Mark.

I've never been more than million

light years away from home before.

Or was that billion?

Take . Mark.

And action.

Cut.

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

-Mark.

-Let's go again.

Cut.

[SIGHS]

Get the lines right.

-Mark.

-Ah, you're k*lling me. Cut, cut, cut.

Ethan.

What are you doing?

SANDY: Okay, we're out of film.

This is a disaster.

You said there'd be food.

There's no food

and your star is hungry.

Hey, not to worry, I took

the liberty to order sustenance.

-Pizza.

-Ah, good thinking.

Ordering pizza might be

the only thing done right today.

Food, finally.

No need to thank me.

Are you, uh, David Gordon?

-Yup.

-Yeah, I got the card right here.

I've grown to love that card.

Just need to call and get approval.

[CHUCKLES] Pizza.

Uh, Titanium card number

--.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

[CLEARS THROAT] Okey-dokey.

What are you doing? You can't do that.

Ah, but I just did.

Your card was declined.

Sorry.

I'll take those.

That's it. I'm done.

I've been working hard all day long,

and for what? Nothing.

Not even a close-up.

This is totally immature.

I never even got my hot water.

She never even got her hot water.

Hey, yo, Gordon.

Yeah, sorry to leave you like this,

but I think the acting life

just isn't for me.

You know, all that walking and talking

at the same time.

Well, later.

[SIGHS]

Okay, fine.

So maybe I shouldn't have

ordered that pizza,

but, you know, people were hungry.

Look, Gordo, I am sorry,

but I thought this project

was on the up and up.

And since it's not,

consider this my resignation.

Uh, this was mine to begin with.

[WHISPERING] Sorry.

BOY: Outtie.

Gordo, I don't know what to say.

Then don't. Don't say anything.

Honey, don't you want

to wait for your father?

I know he'd like to see

what you've done for the science fair.

Ta-da!

Wow, honey.

Is it a time machine?

No, but that would've been

a really great project.

Oh, Matt, I am so proud of you.

You did this all by yourself.

And at the last minute,

which I'm actually not so proud of.

But what does it do, anyway?

It makes toast.

It makes toast?

You heard me.

How?

Hey, guys.

[HORN BLOWS]

-Kind of like that.

-Hey, you okay, honey?

Yeah. The toast's

a little burnt, though.

Darn.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I just wanted to apologize.

You, apologize to me?

I feel like I should be the one

apologizing to you, Gordo.

I don't know. I just figured

that having a big budget...

Who am I kidding?

I figured that

having a budget, period,

would make my movie great,

but I was wrong.

Oh, boy, was I wrong.

How did it turn out, anyway?

Well, got a whole lot of nothing

to the tune of $,.

Oh, that stinks.

Your dreams are totally ruined.

Yeah, well, I've dreamt before

and I'll dream again.

But from now on, I'm gonna pursue

my dreams the old-fashioned way,

you know, with my talent,

with my brains,

and mostly other people's money.

That sounds right to me.

So, what'd your parents say?

You mean after they yelled

at the credit card company?

They yelled at the credit card company

and they didn't yell at you?

That makes no sense.

Why can't my parents be like that?

See, they knew that I wouldn't

actually ask for a credit card,

so they were pretty mad

when some company just sent me one.

And how are you gonna pay it off?

Yeah, well, pretty much lost

my allowance for the rest of my life.

So, from now on, there's no more food,

no entertainment, no anything.

-Sounds fun.

-Yep.

It'll just be you and me,

hanging out, doing nothing.

Oh, t*rture.

Actually, maybe that's not so bad.

[GROWLS]

LIZZIE: Gordo.

-STEVE DE JARNATT: Mark.

-Now you're gonna...

Lizzie... Uh, I don't know my line.

Hiring Kate for the lead...

role?

It's time for me to see my dream...

[GROANS]

-Kind of like...

-[SNEEZES] Sorry.

[SHATTERS]

[LAUGHS]

May it be with us all.

My shoe! There it is.

[BARKING]

[GROANS] Cut.

We can use that for bloopers.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, right. Funny, Tudgeman.

[IN SEAN CONNERY'S ACCENT]

Shaken, not stirred.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]