18x15 - Z.O.I.N.C.S.

[bunniefuu]

[SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS]

FRANCINE: Readyyyyy?

Uh-huuuuuuh.

HAYLEY: No peeeeekiiiiiiiing!

Okaaaaa-aaaaaaay.

STEVE: Prommmiiiiiiiise?

Just get the hell on with it already!

All right, open your eyes!

Okay, Jock, Princess, Nerd, Stoner.

You're... the Breakfast Club?

We're Scooby-doo, ya jackalope!

Steve, did you...

wax your legs?

No.

I did.

I wanted to be Velma.

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, I can be more than just a
"dumb stoner", you know?

Can you?

No.

No, I don't think so.

You're a natural born Shaggy, babe.

[CHUCKLES] It's true.

Best to stay in your lane, bro.

Speaking of... you're Scooby.

Oh, what, 'cause I'm like your pet?

Screw that! Why can't Roger do it?

Because Roger is in London,

living out his lifelong dream

of playing Rumpleteazer in a
West End revival of "Cats."

Oh, yeah...

Look, we all have
our roles in the family,

and you two are kind of the...
comic relief.

C'mon, it's time to go to
Danuta's Halloween party.

Wait, wasn't dad gonna drive us?

Yeah. Where is dad, anyway?

Did he...
never come home from work?

Dad?

Stan?

Dad?

Stan?

Dan?

I mean...

Stad?

No answer.

Oh, my God.

It's Halloween night, and Stan is...

m-missing!

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

Still no answer from your dad.

Well, g*ng, looks like we've
got a mystery on our hands.

This is bullshit.

Pigeonholing us like this.

We're not just a couple
of bumbling idiots!

- Yeah, we're that and more!
- That's right.

I am not just a fish who says "bro".

I'm complex. I have layers.

Contradictions.

Me too. I've got that stuff, too!

I have a New Yorker subscription.

Right now,
I've got a stack of New Yorkers

in my alcove halfway
to the damn ceiling,

and one of these days
I'm gonna read 'em, too!

No joke!

I'm a certified doula.

Does that mess up your tidy
little idea of who I am?

And I have a surprising
amount of upper body strength!

[GRUNTS]

Yeah!

Go! Go! Go!

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

HAYLEY:
What's all that racket back there?

It's the sound of us being unique,

multi-faceted individuals!

- Yeah!
- We're here.

- [BRAKES SQUEAL]
- Wow.

I don't remember Stan's
office being quite so...

terrifying.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

This place is totally deserted.

And it looks like
everyone left in a hurry.

Probably scared off by the monster.

Yeah.

Monster?

That's ridiculous.

Look around, Francine!

This whole situation is
clearly going full Scooby.

It's only a matter of time
before we're being chased around

by a wolf man to some generic
' s pop song.

Well, in "Scooby-Doo"
the monsters are never real.

Yeah, but that's a TV show.

This is real life.

♪♪

Monster.

♪♪

Monster.

♪♪

BOTH: Monster.

Would you two give it a rest?

There's no monster.

- [g*nsh*t]
- [ALL SCREAM]

Sorry. I thought you were...

the monster.

Told ya.

♪♪

[GRUNTS]

There.

Now...

can I offer anyone a topo chico?

Yeah, I'll take one.

Nice costumes, by the way.

They made us be Shaggy and Scooby

even though we're
multi-fascinating individuals.

Never mind that.

What is going on around here,
and where is our dad...

I'm not even anything like Shaggy.

Zoinks!

♪♪

This... holds the answers
to your questions.

It all started with a crisis
of the utmost urgency,

when I, who I've always thought

look a helluva lot like Chris Hemsworth,

discovered evidence that someone...

was using my private executive bathroom!

So I, who in another way

see myself very much
as a Jason Momoa type,

tapped my very nearest man, Stan Smith,

to get to the bottom of
this fecal feloniousness.

You can imagine my shock

when he shocked me with
some truly shocking news...

the culprit was supernatural in nature.

A monstrous ancient demon known as...

the soul snatcher!

I was all like this.

♪♪

Knowing I'd never be able to set foot

in my bathroom again until
this thr*at was eliminated,

I put Stan in charge of
a new top secret unit...

ZOINCS...

the Zoroastrian, Occult,
Inter-dimensional

and Non-rational Creature Section.

It's basically a monster squad.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

Now I don't know why,
but earlier tonight

the soul snatcher was somehow unleashed,

and went on a soul-snatching rampage.

That's why everyone's gone.

That and the building's
being sprayed for termites.

So where's Stan?

Probably got his dang soul snatched.

If I were you,
I'd get out of here while you still can.

Not a chance.

Or, I don't know, should we just go?

No.

No.

We're not leaving here without our dad.

- Right?
- Right.

C'mon g*ng, let's go investigate.

I think you look like Humpty Dumpty.

[PAPERS RUSTLING]

Anyone find any evidence?

Only that your dad's been
eating Taco Bell again.

There's literally nothing in his desk

besides fast food wrappers
and loose b*ll*ts.

Maybe these shady-looking characters

had something to do with it.

Jeff, that's us.

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

- Pay dirt!
- What'd you find?

I just won this sick-ass
"Jurassic world" sh*t glass

I've been bidding on on eBay.

You know what?

Why don't you and Jeff go...

find a snack or something?

No way.

We want to help find Mr. S.

Yeah, this is serious.

Exactly.

And all you guys are gonna
do is get in the way.

You don't know that.

We could surprise you.

Could you?

No.

No, I don't think so.

Maybe we should split up.

Wow, so that's it, huh?

Would it be weird for you
if I asked out Nerfer?

I meant split up into groups
to search the building.

I knew that!

Fine. C'mon, pal.

Let's go and... find a snack.

I actually am pretty hungry.

♪♪

But now how the [BLEEP]
am I supposed to eat it?

We'll show them we're more
than just a pair of boobs.

[CHUCKLES] "Pair of boobs."

We're gonna find Stan and
solve the mystery of...

What was the monster called again?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

The s-s-s-s-soul snatcher!

No, it definitely started with a
"chuh" sound.

- [SNAPS]
- Chainsaw Charlie.

[DEMONIC VOICE] I've come
to take your souuuulssss!

[BOTH SCREAM]

[BOTH SCREAM]

What was that you just said again?

[DEMONIC VOICE] I've come
to take your souuuulssss!

[BOTH SCREAM]

Dang it!

[NORMAL] There's not
supposed to be any people

in the building right now.

We're spraying, for Pete's sake.

Why'd you say you were
gonna take our souls?

I was talking to the termites
in the drywall behind you.

I enjoy taunting them, okay?

Well, we'll get out of your hair.

Okay.

You guys have yourselves
a fantastic evening.

Now, termites...

[DEMONIC VOICE] time
to send you to helllll!

I don't think I've ever been
in this part of the CIA before.

[SUSPICIOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

[WHISTLING, SNORING]

A dead end?

Must be some kind of secret
passageway or something.

- Hundred bucks it's that candle up there.
- Why?

It's the only thing with
that thick-ass outline.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

What is this place?

ZOINCS headquarters.

These are all the evil
artifacts we've come across

in our hunt for supernatural monsters

like, just to name a few,

the boogeyman, the booegeywoman,

- and the...
- Wolf man!

[MUSIC STINGS]

[LAUGHS] That's not the wolf man!

That's agent Wolfman.

He's got that cool ' s style going,

with the big sideburns.

Thanks. Topo chico?

Yeah, I'll get one of those.

What happened to our dad?

It's too horrible to say.

No, I'll never tell.

- Please?
- Well, okay.

♪♪

Stan was gung-ho for gettin'
them ghouls and goblins.

But I couldn't help noticing

we hadn't made any progress
on our primary objective.

♪♪

So earlier tonight, Stan held a seance

to summon and apprehend
the soul snatcher.

But then it all went wrong.

Terribly wrong?

Exactly.

The lights went out,
there was a terrible roar,

and I heard Stan's soul
being devoured by that beast!

He was saying things like "Oh,
no, my soul,"

and, "It's eating my soul,"
and so forth.

I'm sorry.

But at least we'll be safe from
that soul snatcher in here.

Oh, my God! There it is!

♪♪

- [ROARS]
- Run!

We're not getting anywhere!

Speak for yourself!

I'm, ernngh, makin' some progress!

♪♪

[GRUNTS]

[ALL PANTING]

Sorry, I just mopped.

Mr. S?

Stan?

Soul snatcher?

Chainsaw Charlie?

Ugh.

No sign of Stan or the monster anywhere!

And we've looked in four places now!

Maybe there is no monster.

Or maybe the monster is just,
like, a metaphor.

Right.

Like, maybe we're the monster.

Society.

The man in the mirror...

♪♪

[FAUCET SQUEAKS, WATER RUNNING]

[WATER SHUTS OFF]

Thanks.

[CLATTERING]

♪♪

[CLANGING]

What's gotten into you, pal?

It's the m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m...

The m-m-m-m-m-m... mailman?

Rrr, I hate that guy!

I'm sorry. Okay...

What I'm trying to say is...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hummina, hummina, hummina.

[GASPS]

["FAIRY TALE GIRL" PLAYING]

'Scuse us.

♪ Once upon a time, girl ♪

♪ You were always gonna be mine, girl ♪

♪ Never dreamed I would
find a girl like you ♪

♪ Hey now, fairy tale girl ♪

♪ I know we can still
find the magic again ♪

[ROARS]

♪ Hey now, fairy tale girl ♪

Like, I've heard of a floor-stop,

but a floor-drop?

- You've heard of a "floor-stop"?
- ♪ Ba-da ♪

♪ Ba, ba-ba-da, ba, ba-ba-da ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

Snatcher! You're late again!

I need copies
of the Henderson file, ASAP!

We gotta FedEx to Boston,

to Austin,

to Stone Cold Steve Austin...

and to the band Boston.

BOTH: Now get to work!

Mwah!

Hmm.

[SQUEAK, SQUEAK]

[PIANO TRILLS]

[ROARS]

[FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Why do they have so many
identical paintings?

We buy them in bulk at World Market!

[GROANS]

Jeff! Lead it this way!

We set a trap!

♪♪

[ROARS]

♪♪

[SHOUTING]

[SCREAMS]

[SQUEAK, MUSIC TRILLS]

Time to reveal who this so-called

soul snatcher really is.

I wonder who it'll be.

[CHUCKLES] They still don't know.

- [ALL SNICKERING]
- Oh, my G...

Hold up!

If you're soooo much smarter than us,

how about you tell us who it is,
before we look?

Fine.

- Dr. Weitzman.
- The exterminator.

- What?
- What?

I say it's Roger.

But Roger's in London.

Living out his lifelong dream

of playing Rumpleteazer in
a West End revival of Cats.

Oh, yeah...

Ha! Did none of you notice

how it was Stan who told Bullock

there was a monster in the first place?

Stan, who was probably the one

using Bullock's private bathroom...

Because Taco Bell is one
of his IBS super-triggers.

Meaning that it just might be...

ALL: Agent Wolfman?!

Just as I thought.

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

It's Stan.

He's at Danuta's party.

I guess maybe we actually
said we'd just meet him there?

Um, has anybody noticed

that agent Wolfman here isn't moving?

Oh, my God. Is this thing airtight?

- No pulse.
- [ALL GASP]

Oh, my God! We k*lled him!

It was...

self-defense, right?!

He was...

pretending to be a monster!

Is that even a crime?!

Why'd you trap him in
an airtight sarcophagus?

Why'd you stop us from opening it?

- [BANGING ON WALL]
- JACKSON: Hey! Open up the wall!

I need to get in there to mop!

- [ALL SCREAM]
- What are we gonna do?

- What are we gonna...
- Oh, God! We're gonna go to jail!

FRANCINE: No, wait!
I found another secret passageway.

All you gotta do is [GRUNTS]

punch through the drywall [GRUNTS]

a few times.

Enngh! Enngh!

Then give it a few good chops.

Grab that monster costume!

Maybe everyone'll just think
the soul snatcher k*lled him!

[TIRES SQUEAL, ENGINE REVS]

- KLAUS: Ruht-roh. Am I right?
- STEVE: Not now, Klaus!

I don't know what happened to
all you suckbois last night,

but you missed a kick-ass party.

Plus, I got myself out of work early

to get in a little trick-or-treating.

Oh, nice!

Big-ass nerds rope.

W-We k*lled a man!

- [THUD]
- What was that now?

You know what? Actually, tell me later.

Gotta get to work.

I got a crazy awesome
new secret job there now.

Top secret. Can't tell you about it.

It's called ZOINCS. Super classified.

I've said too much already.

ZOINCS is like the X-Files,
and I'm in charge of it.

But again,
I can't really say anything about it.

Ghosts are real. Gotta motor.

What the hell, Jeff?!

I'm sorry!

I-I'm just having some
difficulty with the...

murdering that we did.

We are all on the hook for this.

So we all need to be
able to trust each other

to keep our mouths shut.

To be rock solid.

Show of hands... who here is solid?

[WHIMPERING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

[SCOFFS]

Nothing but bamm-bamms.

[VITAMINS RATTLE]

[MUSIC STINGS]

[SCREAMS]

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

♪♪

[THUNDER CRASHES]

- Aah!
- [THUD]

♪♪

I saw him Klaus, I swear.

Agent Wolfman's ghost!

Please don't say anything.

Everyone'll just think I'm losing it.

I've got your back, bro.

You and me, we've been through a lot.

We gotta stick together.

We've got a biiig problem with Jeff.

Probably gonna have to k*ll him.

You guys!

Oh, hiiiii.

Look what just came in the mail!

- ♪♪
- _

This is impossible.

He's dead.

Well, whether it really
is agent Wolfman or not,

somebody knows what we did.

And he's coming for us.

Also, this came from Roger.

Roger's in London?

What was he doing agai...

♪♪

Great rehearsal, everybody!

How's that scratch lookin', Osman?

Oh, I got ya pretty good, huh?

Sorry about that.

Kinda just got lost in the moment.

Hey, Jovan, can I have your boba tea?

I already finished all my little balls.

[SLURPS]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

- What's all this, then?
- [CHUCKLES]

Oh, I read about these guys

in a review of
"National Lampoon's European Vacation."

They're not supposed to
ever even cr*ck a smile.

Well, I betcha
I can get a reaction out of him.

[ZIPPER OPENS]

Gwah-gwah-gwah-gwah-gwah.

[ALL GASP, SHUTTER CLICKS]

Gwah-gwah-gwah-gwah-gwah.

No one can resist chuckling

at my silly little chicken-man dance.

Gwah-gwah-gwah-gwah.

Nothing, huh?

Well, what if I... go for your g*n?!

Deported! Right before opening night.

This was a lifelong dream!

I'm sorry. No pets in the cabin.

Oh, I'm not actually a cat.

You see, until this afternoon,

I was fifth understudy for Rumpleteazer

and th for Grizabella in a...

Well, ain't this a mother[BLEEP].

♪♪

Look what I found in my locker.

Look what I found in my locker!

At the gym.

I go to a UFC gym.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

_

[BEEP]

[DEMONIC VOICE] Reveeeeeeeenge.

- Aah!
- [THUD]

Who could be doing this to us?

Maybe we could ask... [GULPS]

him!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

[ALL SCREAM]

♪♪

We'll be safe in the haunted woods!

[BATS SQUEAK]

Wait, are we really about to
do another chase sequence?

♪ It's a sunshine
peppermint sundae world ♪

♪ Whenever I'm with you, girl ♪

♪ When I think of being with you ♪

Oooowwww...

[ALL GRUNT]

...wwwowww.

[ALL WHIMPERING]

♪♪

KLAUS: Hey! Wolfie!

♪♪

Yeah, I'm proficient
with gaucho weaponry.

Just one of the many facets
that makes me so complex.

It's a mask.

Then let's find out

who this phony phantom really is.

ALL: Jeff Fischer?!

Surprised?

But... what... then who's this?

ALL: Old man Bullock?!

"Old man"?

[BLEEP] you!

What the hell is going on here?

Go ahead and tell 'em, Mr. Buttock.

Explanation time!

I, the spitting image of Henry Cavill,

was behind it all the whole time.

I planted clues to make Stan think

the soul snatcher was about.

I posed as agent Wolfman
to keep tabs on ZOINCS

and make sure they
didn't figure it all out.

Then, when I saw
Stan's little phony seance act

the night of Halloween,

I decided it was the perfect time

to don my soul snatcher costume

and really put the scare in everyone.

But why?

To keep people out of my crapper!

But when I saw how you
all treated poor Jeff,

I sympathized.

♪♪

So I approached Jeff
with a proposition...

to take over the role of agent Wolfman

and show you all he is capable
of defying your expectations.

Wow.

That's... convoluted.

How did you make it so
you didn't have a pulse?

Wim Hof Method!

Well, my work here is done.

So I am just going to go ahead

and walk deeper into the woods now.

You know,
maybe we have always thought of you

as just a stoner and a fish
who says "bro,"

but you two are full of surprises.

Thanks.

Now let's go home and smoke some weed.

Sounds good to me, bro.

Bye! Have a beautiful time!