(dramatic music)
(scary music)
(bright music)
(static crackling)
(Onyx exhales)
- Greetings, oh masterful one.
I am but a lowly minion
sitting here before you
crisscross applesauce,
consummately at your
infernal service and forever
in your eternal debt.
I dunno.
My name is Marcus J.
Trillbury, but my friends,
my many, many friends call
me Onyx the Fortuitous,
slayer of the bright realm.
I dunno.
I have been a devilish devotee
of yours
for more years than I can
count.
I have purchased all of your
books.
Huh. Interesting.
Listened to all of your
records.
And even attempted to complete
your at-home workout regime,
"The Beelzebub Beef Up."
But most importantly, I've
been a diligent student
of your teachings, having
completed the online
certification process for
Letting a Lil Devil In,
levels 101, 201, and 301.
And I was approved for
401, but my mom said
I had to stop spending money
on the internet, full stop.
And yes, that did include
bidding on rare
Battle K.A.T.T.S. minifigs,
even though last summer I was
this close to winning a
glow-in-the-dark, ultra blue
pumaman variant. g*dd*mn, I
wanted that minifig so bad.
So when I heard, oh Lord, that
you were running a contest
for five of your most devoted
followers to take part
in a once-in-a-lifetime demonic
ritual with you in person,
I just knew it was my destiny
to attend.
For I am the most devoted
of darkened disciples,
the most fiery of fervent
fanatics,
and the most perpetuitous
of putrid pupils.
I guess the only thing left
to say is,
notice me, Senpai, notice me!
(door bangs)
Oh, God, Mom.
- What the hell
are you doing in here?
- I told you I was making
a video.
- Are those my dolls?
- They're for the video
- Did you
rip my dolls' heads off?
- I promise I'll put
them back, but you can't take
them now.
You'll disrupt the magick!
You'll disrupt the magick!
(dramatic music)
(ethereal vocalizing)
(computer keys clacking)
(Onyx inhales and exhales)
(computer trills)
(door squeaks)
(Todd laughing)
(fork thudding)
- [Todd] Oh my God. (laughing)
- Did you put everything
back where you found it?
- Yes, Mom.
- Even Holly Little Puddin'
Pants?
- Even Holly Little Puddin'
Pants. Woo!
- Where you headed? You
don't work on Fridays.
- Oh, thanks for invading
my privacy, Todd.
You don't know me.
Hard truth is Travis was fired
for pissin in the sweet tea t*nk
for the third time this month,
so I'm picking up his shift.
- All right, then. What
time can I expect you home?
Would you like us to save you
some dinner?
- Oh, nah. Nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah.
I might be out pretty late,
actually.
- (belches) Wow. Big plans
after work.
Plans so big that we
shouldn't save you dinner.
- Yeah, actually, Todd, (laughs)
me and some of my friends
might just go out and tear
around town, you know,
flipping stuff up and
ripping stuff down. (laughs)
- Oh, fun.
- (scoffs) Yeah. That'll be
the day.
- What's that?
- Hey, if you got so many
friends,
how about I, uh, save a spot
for 'em at the table, right?
That way they can all join us
for dinner, all your friends!
- Why do you wear a full suit
and tie every g*dd*mn day,
Todd, you sell
wholesale buckets
of doomsday mac and cheese
over the phone.
- Because the clothes
define the man, Marcus.
Clearly a lesson you could
stand to learn.
- I told you not to
call me Marcus anymore.
My name is Onyx the
Fortuitous, and I'm proud
of what we accomplish at
the Meat Hut every day.
- Boys! Boys! (sighs)
You two have been family
for over a year now,
and I will not tolerate these
yelling matches anymore.
Marcus, I could understand if
your father
was still in the house, but
this is Todd,
your stepfather, and my lover.
- Ugh.
- Now, I want you two to
breathe with me, okay?
Breathe in. (inhales)
(Nancy exhales)
- f*ck you, Todd.
- Good. In.
And out.
- f*ck you, Onyx the
Fart-uitous.
- f*ck you, Todd!
- f*ck you, Marcus!
- Boys!
(microwave dings)
(bright music)
(bell dings)
- Order up, number 46.
Hold the slaw, extra slaw,
prairie pepper hot sauce
on the side with a slap of
pickles.
(upbeat music)
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Check the weight on that.
You're one fry short.
(bright music)
(cash register dings)
Cash run, Derrell.
Low on fives.
(computer game beeping)
Um, Masha?
- What, Marcus? f*ck!
- I was just wondering if you
got my new name tag in yet.
- Your what?
- Remember a few weeks ago
I requested a new name tag,
one that read Onyx the
Fortuitous?
I even applied for one through
corporate and everything.
- That's not your name.
- Oh, yeah, uh, um, well,
this one's not my name either,
because my name is Marcus
Trillbury, yeah,
but this says
Marquay Dickberry.
And it's been like that since
day one.
I've been here six years.
- Look, if you want a
different name tag,
check the junk box.
(computer game beeping)
- You lose.
- Oh, f*ck!
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck me in my
dirty c**t!
(drawer bangs)
- Oh, God!
- What's up, Pussyhound?
- What's up, Tanner,
Tanner's bois?
(Tanner's bois barking)
How can I make your day a
bit beefier?
- (sucks teeth) Yeah, we're
gonna need 12
Beefy Bad Boy meals,
Monster Style curly fries,
I'm gonna need some sodas for
my hounds.
And you know-
(Boi whispers indistinctly)
Yeah, and a Sweet N' Sugary
Strawberry Shimmy Shake,
and Vanilla Bean Cream Supreme,
mixed.
- Is that all?
- No.
I want a Peter Plumpkin
Toaster Pie, but slightly cool.
I don't want it to be too
hot for my baby mouth.
Hey, it's free in five on
Fridays, right?
- Yes, sir.
- Well then you better
hop to it.
(Tanner's bois laugh)
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music continues)
- There you are, Tanner.
Tanner's bois.
(Tanner's bois bark)
We're just waiting on
the burgers.
- Time's almost up.
(Tanner's bois bark)
- Hurry, hurry, patty slinger.
- You smell like beef!
(person laughs)
Gross.
- [Tanner] Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
- When in doubt, skewer it out.
(upbeat music)
- Ten, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four,
three, two, one.
Uh-uh, times up.
- But I-
- Lean in.
Lean in. Come on.
(shake sloshing)
(Tanner's bois laughing)
(Tanner's bois barking)
(Tanner laughs)
(Tanner's bois barking)
Patty slinger.
- Tell Masha I quit!
- What?
- Tell Masha I quit!
(knocking)
- Yes?
- Um, Pussyhound quit.
- Dear God.
Or the devil.
Whichever one's listening,
I guess. (sobs)
Um, I was wondering
if maybe he could give
me a different life.
Yeah, different than the one
I have right now currently.
(gentle music)
Yeah, I'd really like a
different life, please.
'Cause this one's not working
out so well.
(Onyx sobs)
(computer chimes)
(horn blows)
- Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
(Onyx wheezes)
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
(Onyx barking and laughing)
- I've been invited to
Bartok's mansion
to take part in a
once-in-a-lifetime ritual
in which he, along with five
of his most loyal followers,
will attempt to raise
the spirit
of the ancient demon, Abaddon.
- That's nice, dear, but
you're not going anywhere
until you scoop that
litter box.
(litter rustling)
(cat purrs)
(cat meows)
(majestic music)
(majestic music continues)
(Mr. Duke chuckling)
(majestic music)
- [Onyx] Oh!
(majestic music)
- Ah, Briardale Manor,
Bartok's estate. Astounding.
Truly a sight to behold.
- It's the kind of house
that makes you wanna recreate
the 1993 Michael Bay directed
music video
for Meat Loaf's "I'd
Do Anything for Love."
I dunno. But I won't do that.
(Mack giggles)
- How do we get in?
- Oh! Let's explore.
(giggles)
- This is wonderful.
(Shelley laughing)
Carpe diem. (laughs)
- I'm Mackenzie. You can
call me Mack, or Zee.
- Oh, cool, my name is Marcus,
but, uh-
- But...
- I'd really love it if you
called me Onyx the Fortuitous.
- Sounds good. Nice to meet
you, Onyx.
- Nice to meet you, Zee.
(cheery music)
- Ooh, wowy, wowy,
wowy, wowy!
(cheery music)
(gasps) Oh. Ah.
Emerald is my favorite
- Peridot.
- Pardon me?
- Oh, it's peridot.
Emerald tends to have a
deeper, more verdant hue,
whereas peridot is lighter
and more olive-colored.
- I love that you know that.
Power in knowledge, eh?
- Yeah.
(both laugh)
- There's a note.
- (gasps) Ooh!
(Shelley laughs and
clears throat)
"A warm welcome to the
most devoted
and devout of Bartok's
betrothed.
These necklaces are to cleanse
you of any unwelcome spirits
before you enter this
sacred and unholy space.
Please place a personal item
in the box.
Leaving this item will help
ground you to the house
and act as an offering of
familiarity.
Once you have left your
item, please, each of you
place a crystal around your
neck and step into the foyer."
(Onyx breathing heavily)
(whimsical music)
- Mm-mm.
(whimsical music)
Mm-mm.
(whimsical music)
Ah.
- Is that the only luggage
you brought?
- It's got everything I need.
(whimsical music)
(ethereal music)
(ethereal music continues)
(all laughing)
Did y'all see that?
- Yes.
- Did everyone see that
little shimmer thing?
(laughs) That's tight.
(laughs) That's tight.
(chiming music)
(Onyx gasps)
(door squeaks)
- Come on.
(person giggles)
- What? No way.
- Oh, dear God.
(dramatic music)
(body thuds)
- Oh, f*ck!
(TV crackles)
- I hate to disappoint
you all,
my oh so loyal followers,
but I am dead.
Dead as a doornail.
This is not a trick or
an illusion.
Go ahead, check my pulse.
I'll wait.
(eerie music)
What this is, is your
first test,
a test of faith, one that
can bring me back to life.
So if you have faith in me
now, show it.
Speak it with me now with
hearts full of faith!
Let him rise!
Let him rise!
- [All] Let him rise!
Let him rise!
Let him rise! Let him rise!
Let him rise! Let him rise!
Let him rise! Let him rise!
(fire crackles)
(Bartok gasps)
- [Onyx] Huh? Oh!
(dramatic music)
(blood squelching)
(all gasp)
(Kn*fe clatters)
- What do I see before me?
Children, ancient beings,
ideas.
Atoms.
But what are you really?
Do you even know what
you are?
Have no fear.
This weekend you will take
part in three rituals,
the first two in preparation
for the third and final,
the ritual of Abaddon Rising.
And in that ritual under
a blood moon,
all of you shall be renewed
as disciples in his name,
disciples of Abaddon with
renewed purpose,
knowledge, power, and yes,
my children, immortality!
- Nice.
- Schwa?
(all laughing)
- Tonight, drink and eat
in communion with one another.
Make merry and rest.
For tomorrow, you will
take the first steps
towards your rebirth.
(all laughing)
- [Onyx] Thank you, Bartok!
(all clapping)
- Outstanding.
(all laughing)
(glass clinking)
May I, uh, break the
proverbial ice, as it were,
and ask what led each of
you to Lucifer
and the teachings of Bartok?
- f*ck, is that absinthe?
- Well, why don't you start,
Mr. Duke?
Break that proverbial ice.
- Oh, well, I'd be delighted.
My name is John Duke.
I'm a teacher, so I'm used
to being called Mr. Duke,
and that is just fine by me.
I'm a man of literature and
languages.
I've studied many religions
and theologies over the years.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- In the Christian Bible,
man is punished for seeking
knowledge.
In the garden of Eden, the
closer you get to the devil,
the closer you get to
the truth.
And I believe that Bartok
hears the truth
directly from Lucifer.
And truth, ah, truth is
what I seek above all.
- I'll go next. (giggles)
Mine is quick.
Um, I actually have a poem
memorized that tells my story.
- Oh, cool.
(Shelley clears throat)
There was a young woman
who worshiped the Lord.
In church every Sunday,
her God she adored.
She would help run the
service collect all the tithes,
her husband and children
always by her side.
She was taught that a
Christian's work isn't in vain.
She hoped serving Jesus
might shield her from pain.
Then one day she got word
that her husband had perished,
taken by a drunk driver
in a flash.
All she cherished was
broken and twisted up
in shards of metal.
That young woman in her grief
took solace in the devil.
(somber music)
Thank you.
- Your husband d*ed, so you
started worshiping the devil?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. I get it.
It's like that one time
in middle school,
I asked out my crush,
Rebekah Love Rodriguez,
and she told me to
go suck an egg.
So I just listened to the
"Phantom of the Opera"
soundtrack for weeks.
- Oh.
- Well, what brought you
to Bartok, Marcus, hmm?
What started you down this
lighted path that led you here?
- Mine's a pretty darkened
tale as well. I dunno.
So I might need a little
something, something
to loosen up the tongue to
spin this tortured yarn.
- You want some of that?
- Oh, nah, nah, nah, nah.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
Dangerous personality
types run in my family,
so I've gotta be very
intentional when it comes
to my libatious intake,
I dunno.
I stick to my tiny wines.
Mama always said, "Too mooch
juice and the beast gets loose."
(laughs) But I just need
enough to get my courage up.
(objects rustling)
(objects continue rustling)
(gentle music)
(Onyx exhales shakily)
I was eight years old when
my father left.
That weekend, my mama
took me to the flea market
and gave me five bucks to
spend on anything I wanted.
I dunno, to help
keep my mind off things.
At first, I saw a Cabbage
Patch Doll with my name on it.
Hooey, that doll was
something fierce.
Spotted freckles. (laughs)
A little twist of red
yarn hair.
g*dd*mn, it was a sight
to behold.
And I always did think I'd
be a daddy to a ginger.
- Oh.
- But just before I handed
that fine doll seller
my crispy Lincoln, I saw it,
one rack over
behind a Lou Ferrigno
Christmas album,
Bartok's first record.
- Ah, "The Devil's Due."
- "The Devil's Due."
I don't know what made me buy
it. Curiosity, compulsion?
- Fate.
- Mayhaps. Mayhaps.
It also might have been
the goatee.
Ever since ALF, I've had
an obsession with hair,
both body and facial, wanting
more of it, wanting less.
Having too mooch,
but never enoof.
ALF's real name is
Gordon Shumway.
- Can you finish your
story? Bartok, the record.
- Oh, yeah, so I bought
the record, took it home,
listened to it a bunch,
been a big fan ever since.
- Oh, beautiful. (laughs)
What about you, Jesminder?
Oh, come on.
The harder the shell,
the deeper the cr*ck.
Oh. Oh.
- I am Jesminder. You can
call me Jesminder, not Jess.
I am a tattoo artist
from Vegas,
and do not ask me how many
tattoos I have.
The question is rote
and basic.
- Yeah.
- My reason for being here
is different.
I was Bartok's wife in a
past life,
many past lives actually, and
I'm here to be with him again.
We have already d*ed a
thousand deaths together,
and I would die a thousand
more just to be here now.
I'm here for him, and not
to make merry,
and not to mince words.
- Oh, yeah, no, I don't
think you are mincing words.
I dunno.
- Why do you, why do you
keep saying that?
I don't know, I don't know,
I don't know.
- I dunno.
- (laughs) Well, I'm Mack,
they/them.
And feel free to ask me
how many tattoos I have.
The answer's 12. My
favorite's Snoopy on my ankle.
- Oh, I love Snoopy.
- Oh, me too.
- And much like Mr. Duke, I'm
an investigator, a seeker.
I believe in the power of
the elements,
the natural elements.
Bartok, I came across in high
school, consumed all his work.
Through him, I've come to
learn more about myself
and my place in the
world around me.
(lips pop)
- (chuckles) Wow. Will
you look at us, huh?
Five individuals from
differing backgrounds
in various walks of life,
all assembled here, now,
to take part in
something extraordinary
and unprecedented
in his unholy name.
(chuckles) Cheers to that.
- To immortality!
- [All] To immortality!
- [Onyx] To immortality!
(all laugh)
(voices echoing indistinctly)
I'm so happy to be here
in Bartok's mansion.
- [Mr. Duke] So, Onyx, Onyx,
tell me more about this ALF.
- [Onyx] Yeah, so ALF's
real name is Gordon Shumway.
- Where is he from?
- Yeah, well, he's from
the planet Melmac,
but he crash lands-
- [Attendee] And then
I chopped my hair off.
- Well, what do you see?
(eerie music)
(all laughing)
- The chubby one didn't drink.
- What?
The patty slinger?
Can't you make him?
- It doesn't really work that
way. They have to be willing.
- Well, what of everyone else?
- Everything seems to
be going as planned.
- Seems?
You don't sound so sure.
- I-
(all laughing)
- Do we have anything to
worry about?
Is the ritual going to work?
(dramatic music)
- No.
- No, the ritual won't work?
- No, we have nothing to
worry about.
- Good. Then we move forward.
Tomorrow you will guide them
through the first ritual,
"The Book of Blood."
This will quell any
uncertainty
and lead us one step
closer to the talisman.
(ethereal music)
(birds chirping)
(microphone squealing)
Good morning, Marcus, Jesminder,
John, Shelley, and Mack.
This is a reminder to please
wear your cleansing stones
at all times during your
stay at Briardale Manor.
After your meal, we will
meet in the ritual room
with full bellies, steady
hearts, and willing spirits.
(microphone squeals)
(dramatic music)
(Shelley giggles)
(door clangs)
Good morning, all.
I am Farrah,
delegate to Bartok,
servant to our great
Lord Lucifer.
This is the Grand Grimoire.
(all gasp)
- Oh.
What's that?
- It's like the devil's bible.
- All the unholy knowledge
in the world
bound in the skin of
fallen angels.
- Sick.
- You were not chosen
at random.
The souls required to perform
the ritual of Abaddon Rising
were called out a
millennia ago by this book.
You will each need to bleed
on the primary sigil, here.
The book will tell me
whether or not
you have a rightful place.
Who would like to
approach first?
- Let's do this.
I know my place.
- Your hand.
(dramatic music)
Et In Nomine Tuo.
(dramatic music)
Next.
(attendee gasps)
(dramatic music)
(Marcus whimpers)
- Mm, ow! f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.
Ow, f*ck. f*ck, f*ck,
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, mm.
- The book, Marcus.
- Mm. How many squeezes?
How many squeezes?
- That, that's enough.
That's enough.
(Farrah whispers indistinctly)
(dramatic music)
Yes.
- What does it mean?
- You have royal blood
dating back generations.
You are the queen.
And you are allowed.
- I knew it.
(Shelley gasps)
- The viking.
- Wow. What?
- You exist within an
ancient Nordic bloodline
that flows forward and
backward from your family.
You are allowed.
- Ooh, holy crap!
Can you believe it?
I'm a Viking, y'all. (growls)
(laughs) Up top, up top!
(laughs)
- Leave it to our dark
father to surprise us.
Turns out this polished, refined
man built of tweed and twee
is also a werewolf.
Lycanthrope blood pulses
through your veins.
Whatever the amount and
however dormant it may be,
it is still present nonetheless.
And you are allowed.
(dramatic music)
A mystic. Spellcaster.
The witch in this
lifetime and many others.
- Really?
- You have great power,
but you already knew that.
Use it wisely.
You, Mackenzie, are allowed.
- Huh?
- You are the virgin.
And you are allowed.
- What the f*ck?
- You're just as an
important piece
to this puzzle as anyone else.
- Bullshit. Jesminder's
an ancient queen.
Shelley found out
she's a viking.
Oh, how cool and against
type is that?
Mr. Duke is part f*cking
werewolf. Are you kidding me?
And Mack's an
all-too-powerful witch,
but I'm just a fat f*cking,
fat f*cking virgin.
Oh, g*dd*mn, they did your
boy dirty.
- Well, are you a virgin?
- Huh?
- Are you a virgin, Marcus?
There's no shame in it.
- Well, first of all,
Mr. Duke,
there is shame in everything.
I'm surprised they didn't
teach you that in Yale school.
And besides that, yes,
I am a virgin, g*dd*mn.
The only thing that's
ever touched my wee-wee
is my never washed pair of
Battle K.A.T.T.S. Underoos.
(book slams)
- The point is, all is
in place
for the ritual of
Abaddon Rising,
a ritual that requires one
lycan, one witch, one viking,
one queen, and yes,
one virgin.
- Goddammit.
- I must report my findings.
You will hear from me soon.
- So you've never even...
- What? No. (laughs)
I mean, what would that
even do?
(Onyx laughs)
- Each are devoted,
each bled for you.
All five are present.
- They're all here. All five.
- All of them.
We're so close. So close.
- Open it.
(dramatic music)
Okay.
Show me the way, Lord.
Show me the way to
the talisman.
Show me the way to true power.
Pay me back for all the years
of service. Show me the way!
Show me the f*cking way.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Yes.
Thank you, Father. (laughs)
(dramatic music)
Boom.
Tonight, we capture
eternity.
(dramatic music)
(crickets chirping)
(Shelley laughing)
(Mr. Duke laughing)
- So have you ever
like, transformed?
- Never.
I've never even imagined being
anything more than a man.
Never even dreamt
it a possibility.
That is until...
- Until when?
- I have kissed
somebody before,
so I've lost my
mouth virginity.
But I guess that's just not
enough for that stupid book.
- I had a dream last night.
And I believe it
was preparing me
for what the Book of Blood
would reveal.
In it, I, I saw my hands
growing claws,
and my face, my face
covered in fur.
I was inside of my own body,
but somehow outside of
it as well.
- Me too.
I had a dream just like it.
I mean, not the werewolf part.
But it was a foreshadowing
of sorts.
I was on the ocean in
a great, great big boat
surrounded by men,
all looking to me for orders.
- Sounds legit.
- My friend Elijah thought
I got a hand job once
from Kim Greene when we all
skipped school
to go see a matinee of
"Ever After."
I don't know, but in reality,
Kim had just dropped a
piece of popcorn on my lap
and had a wicked hard time
retrieving that rogue kernel.
- I dreamt I was on a throne
with an ever-expanding
army at my beck and call.
A queen surveying many lands.
- Oh, cool, well, I dreamt I
didn't f*ck anybody last night,
so I guess we all had
pretty fortuitous dreams.
(lighter clicking)
(door clicking)
(ominous music)
- [Bartok] This way.
Stay close.
- [Farrah] Yes, master.
- Mack, did you have a
dream last night?
- Who's asking?
- Well, Mr. Duke's asking.
- Yeah. I, I, did.
- You mind sharing?
(Mack sighs)
- I was a witch
levitating above a
circle of other witches,
all chanting my name
and lifting me up.
- That's f*cking tight too.
Meanwhile, I slept like a
dumb-dumb baby.
If I had a nightmare,
y'all'd know.
I'd wake up gripping the
sheets something fierce
and yelling, "Jesus!"
- Interesting.
We all, well, most of us,
had vivid dreams last night
foretelling our callings
from the Book of Blood.
But (sighs) what,
what does it mean?
- How about this?
We break into Bartok's study,
look at the Grimoire ourselves
and find out what the
f*ck it all means.
- Schwa?
- Well, Bartok and, uh, delegate
just left for the evening.
I mean, I saw them go that way.
Oh, come on, Mr. Duke.
Think about all that juicy
knowledge
that resides in that book.
Don't you wanna sink
your little
truth-seeking fangs into it?
- I would die to know
more about that ritual.
- Yes.
- Tempted by the forbidden
fruit, huh?
Dare we take a bite?
- Dare we?
(Mr. Duke and Onyx laugh)
- Dare we?
(dramatic music)
(thunder crashes)
(dramatic music)
(thunder crashes)
(dramatic music)
(Mr. Duke grunts)
Let me try.
I've got a surprisingly
firm grip due to the amount
of marshmallow fluff jars
I've opened up over the years.
(laughs) I used to put
that sh*t on everything.
(Onyx grunts)
(dramatic music)
- What? Are we close?
- Yes, I think so.
(Onyx grunts)
- I'm talking English muffins.
I'm talking Pop-Tarts.
f*ck, I'm even talking bean
burritos. I don't give a sh*t.
(Onyx grunts)
(dramatic music)
- Here.
The map says here.
(dramatic music)
(shrubbery rustling)
(thunder crashes)
(intense music)
(dramatic music)
(shovel clangs)
(Bartok grunts)
(Onyx grunting)
(Onyx panting)
(thunder crashes)
(dramatic music)
- Well, can anyone pick a lock?
- Wait, my Meat Hut
skeleton key.
- Your what?
- This key opens everything.
I inherited it from my former
boss, Rick,
the night he quit the Meat
Hut, left me in charge,
and promptly k*lled himself.
I don't know, I think Rick's
wife might've left him,
or maybe Rick never had a
wife at all.
- Marcus, this lock is most
likely 200 years old or more.
There is no way your
fast food key is gonna...
Oh.
(Mack laughs)
Oh, I stand corrected.
(dramatic music)
Unholy Father, how you
blessed us.
- [Onyx] Oh.
- There.
- [Mack] The book.
(Onyx imitates horn playing)
(Onyx laughs)
- Ah.
- [Mr. Duke] Ah, here it is.
(laughs)
- [Mack] Well, can you read it?
- In, in, in pieces.
It's written in an
ancient language
I'm not entirely familiar
with, possibly Samarian or,
or a derivative of such.
I brought my compact mini
library of dead languages
with me,
but they're in my room.
- Nerd.
- [Onyx] What does it
say about the virgin?
That he has the power to
cradle his flacid wee-wee
in his hands and cry
for hours on end?
- Ah, here it is.
"The ritual of Abaddon
Rising is meant to empower,
imbue, something, something,
never-ending life."
(shovel thuds)
(Bartok grunts)
(shovel thumping)
- Oh, yes.
- "But first, the Kn*fe
of Dagon must be acquired,
then the five devoted souls
must be..."
- Must be what?
- It, it, it's a word I'm
not entirely familiar with.
Captivated? Enraptured?
(thunder crashes)
(Bartok gasps)
(Bartok pants)
"Once the five souls are
present, the map of Sammael
will be revealed and lead
to the Talisman of Souls."
(thunder crashes)
- The what?
(thunder crashing)
(metal clanging)
"Once the talisman is empowered
and in your possession,
you will be able to summon
the infernal ruler Abaddon
and absorb his power."
(thunder crashes)
(Bartok laughing)
So if, if, if I'm to
understand this correctly,
once Abaddon has risen-
- (giggles) Aw.
- Our immortality is gained,
Bartok takes Abaddon's power,
but-
- But what?
- There's a warning here at
the bottom.
"If a mortal tries to
raise Abaddon,
beware the prophecy of the-"
(tooth creaking)
(door creaking)
- Secret passageways. Are you
kidding me?
- The what? The prophecy of
the what?
- The prophecy of the,
I don't know, it's gone.
- What the f*ck?
(door creaking)
- We have to go.
Marcus.
- Onyx?
- Zee?
- Onyx?
- Zee!
- Onyx.
- Zee!
- We have to go!
- Zee!
- But Onyx-
- Now, we have to go!
- Onyx?
- Zee! Zee!
(ominous music)
(Onyx breathing heavily)
(door scraping)
(eerie music)
(eerie music continues)
(metal clanging)
(eerie music)
(talisman clanging)
- Now, focus.
Hail, Satan.
- [Both] Son of light.
- [Bartok] Bring me the
first sacrifice.
(ominous music)
(ominous music continues)
(Bartok whispering in
foreign language)
(loud knocking)
(doors scraping)
- I want to see Bartok.
- Of course. He's been
expecting you.
- Welcome, my dear.
Please, have a seat.
(doors slam)
You know, you and I have
met many times
over thousands and
thousands of years.
And it has all culminated
into this moment.
(suspenseful music)
It's your time
to make the ultimate sacrifice.
(suspenseful music)
(dramatic music)
Ade due Damballa.
Give me the power,
I beg of you.
Secoise entienne
mais pois
de morte!
(blood squelches)
(Onyx screams faintly)
(dramatic music)
Yes.
That's it.
Give me all of you.
All of you.
Everything.
Every last drop.
(talisman dings)
(Jesminder gasps)
(Onyx whimpers)
(Jesminder gasps)
- (whimpering) Goddammit!
So many f*cking cobwebs.
(Onyx whimpering)
(Onyx screams)
(Onyx thuds)
- Onyx?
- Oh, hey. (laughs)
What are y'all doing in here?
- Uh, Mr. Duke is just
trying to write down
everything he can remember
from the book.
We're trying to learn more
about the final ritual.
- Oh, awesome. (chuckles)
Hell yeah.
- Are you okay?
- Ah, yeah, nah,
it's just, huh?
What, how does that? Oh.
(laughs)
There's a, I was wondering
how it,
there's a little button
on the side so that, yeah,
that just off and then back on
again, it's so cute. (laughs)
Oh. I love the mechanics
of these vintage lamps.
- Yeah, Onyx, you don't
really seem okay.
Did something happen to you?
- No. I just. (laughs)
Huh.
So when y'all left, I got
stuck behind this painting.
- Aw, man, we're sorry. We
just didn't know where you were.
- Oh, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah.
It's fine. It's fine.
It's just, I saw
Jesminder and Bartok,
and at first they were
just talking.
But then they got a little
smoochie, which is fine.
That's fine.
But then-
- Then?
- He stabbed her and stabbed
her until she was dead!
- What?
- With the Kn*fe of
Dagon, right in the chest.
And I watched all the
life drain from her eyes
until she passed out
and turned into
some kind of soulless ghoul.
Somewhere out there
- Wait, what the f*ck
is happening?
- Sorry. When I get nervous,
I start singing Fievel.
Can I get one of those?
- Yeah.
(Onyx sighs)
It doesn't sound like
immortality Mr. Duke.
What the f*ck is going on?
Why did they really
bring us here?
- Marcus, are you sure you
saw what you think you saw?
- Oh, huh. Well, no.
Let me think about it.
Maybe I, no, maybe I did.
Yes. I f*cking saw what
I think I saw.
- Okay, okay.
- The Kn*fe took out all
of her soul goo.
And the handle glowed like
a bedazzled Lite-Brite.
- Marcus, do you think you can
draw what that looked like?
- Yes, sir.
- Did he say anything or
speak anything
while these actions occurred?
Yeah. Some kind of incantation.
- Do you remember any of it?
- Yeah, it was like, uh,
uh, dada,
or doo doo, dada doo doo,
or no,
maybe doo doo came first.
Doo doo, dada, doo doo, uh,
Scooby-Doo,
uh, yabba-dabba-doo.
- My word.
This is, I believe, the
Talisman of Souls.
- Hmm. Interesting.
- What?
- The smoke burns as it
fills my lungs.
I've never had a
cigarette before,
and I feel like I'm gonna
vomit my entrails out.
(Onyx retches)
- Okay.
Uh, we really have to
find that missing page.
- The what?
- In the Grimoire, after
the ritual of Abaddon,
there was a warning.
It stated, "Beware the
prophecy of the,"
and then the next page
was missing.
- I think I saw
the missing page.
- You did?
- Where?
- It was taped behind the
painting.
I saw it when Jesminder was
getting zoinked and mcgoink'd.
- Goodnight, honored guests.
Please retire to your
individual quarters
and meet downstairs in
the morning,
for tomorrow we will prepare
for our second ritual.
- Ah, that's it.
- Which will lead us one
step closer to immortality.
- During the second ritual,
one of us
sneaks off to retrieve
the missing page.
That page might help me put all
these puzzle pieces together
and uncover what awaits us.
Something tells me that
Bartok and delegate
have a puzzle of their
own to solve.
Let's just hope we solve
ours first.
(birds chirping)
(gentle music)
- Welcome to the Ritual of
the Box Demon.
You will each enter
this room alone, empty,
except for a peculiar
wooden box.
Open the doors to that box.
There you will confront a
small yet powerful demon.
To this demon you will
unburden yourself.
Share with it a secret that
weighs heavily on your heart.
Yes, Mackenzie?
- Where's Jesminder?
I mean, don't we need her
for the ritual?
- Yeah.
- Jesminder is helping
our master with something
of great importance.
A preparation for the
final ritual.
In exchange for that secret,
you will request a truth.
Ask wisely.
Ask for an answer that
no one could give you.
No one except for our
Eternal Father.
But beware, for the truth
this creature speaks
is not for the faint of heart.
For what he knows about
you could challenge
the very essence of self
and untether you with a singular
devastating proclamation.
(dramatic music)
Yes, Marcus?
- I gotta take a big ol' sh*t.
- Now?
- Um, let me check.
(groans) Yeah, now. For sure.
- Fine, then go. We'll start
without you.
But if you're not back
before your turn,
by Satan's unholy name, you
will be rendered ineligible
and ejected from Bartok's
mansion post-haste.
- Got it.
sh*t quick else be deemed
unworthy.
- Mackenzie, would you
like to go first?
- I'd be honored.
(door clanging)
(Shelley giggles)
(Shelley giggling)
(dramatic music)
(door squeaking)
(bats squealing)
- (coughs) Goddammit.
How are all these cobwebs
at exactly mouth level?
(dramatic music)
- Keeping it beefy.
Keeping it beefy.
Keeping it beefy.
Keeping it beefy.
Keeping it beefy.
Keeping it beefy.
- [Onyx] Huh.
(door squeaks)
(Mack sobs)
- Yes.
The box demon speaks directly
to your soul's cradle.
Steady yourselves and steel
your nerves for his truths.
Mr. Duke.
(door squeaks)
- I'm ready to go in.
- [Farrah] Hmm.
- [Onyx] (grunts) Gotta
get back for the box demon.
Gotta get back for the
box demon.
- [Mr. Duke] Uh-huh.
(door slams)
- Oh, how's it going down here
with all the box demon stuff?
- Shelley.
(Shelley squeals)
- I gave him the page.
- Shut the f*ck up.
- Yep.
(dramatic music)
(Shelley screams)
Oh!
- [Shelley] You've shattered
my mind!
Oh, oh, there's a raccoon
in the car!
(door squeaks)
(Shelley sobbing)
- Whatever's going on in there
must be pretty heavy stuff.
(laughs) It's probably
for the better
that I emptied out my
system first.
- [Shelley] No, don't ever
let go. Don't ever let go.
(door squeaks and slams)
(chiming music)
- Go to him. Go to your master.
(Shelley sobs)
- Shelley, where are you going?
- She's going to her master.
She's in quite a state.
- Yeah, we all are, but
I think it'd be better
if we just stay together,
I mean, right, Shelley?
Stay with me.
- I...
- Mackenzie, please. We
all have free will here.
- I'm not gonna let him
do to her what he did
to Jesminder, you hear me?
- Jesminder?
Whatever could you mean?
- Yes, Mack,
whatever could you mean?
Shelley, he's ready for
you now.
- What the f*ck?
- [Shelley] I want
to see Bartok.
- Wait here for your friend.
(dramatic music)
(cabinet squeaks)
(box demon coos)
- Come closer, my son.
Closer.
(box demon groans and sneezes)
(Onyx gasps)
Let it in, my son.
Let it in.
Now, won't you feed me a
secret, Marcus?
- I dunno.
- Dig deep, my son.
Go to the darkest, most
shameful parts of you.
What is there?
- Oh, uh, I guess,
huh.
Sex?
- Yes.
What do you see when you think
of your most carnal desires?
- Well, I guess I think
about my,
my fantasies.
- Ooh.
Tell me more.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, what's buried
in the core
of your chamber of shame?
- Uh, yeah, my shame-ber?
Uh, well, my deepest,
darkest fantasies
revolve around a series
of fan fiction I wrote.
Short novellas really,
based on Gadget Hackwrench
from "Chip 'n Dale's
Rescue Rangers."
- Oh, yes.
- In it, I play a mix
between Dale
and Marky Mark's character
from "Boogie Nights."
I call myself Dale Diggler.
(laughs)
And, uh, let's just say
the things we get to fixing
in the Ranger Plane after
hours,
well, (laughs) yeah, it's more
than just rusty propellers.
(Onyx laughs)
'Cause eventually she
starts fixing my wiener.
- (laughs) Mm. Tasty.
Num, num, num. That secret
will do.
Now, what truth do you seek?
- Anything?
- Anything.
- Oh, demon in a box,
how I beg of you.
Oh, demon in a box, please
answer me true.
Oh, demon in a box, how I
wish to see
why my father Carl left my
mother and me.
- [Box Demon] Oh, Marcus.
Don't you know?
It was because of you.
- What?
- [Box Demon] You simply
weren't enough.
You weren't enough to keep
him there.
Weren't enough to keep
them together.
Think hard, go deep.
You'll remember.
(dreamy music)
Battle K.A.T.T.S.
Noble warrior felines
Battle K.A.T.T.S.
Flying high in the air
Battle K.A.T.T.S.
Righteous, worthy and divine
(Carl yelling indistinctly)
- [Nancy] Oh, you're a
clown, Carl!
Get a job in a sideshow!
(Nancy sobbing)
(suitcase thuds)
Battle K.A.T.T.S.
- Daddy, where are you going?
When will you be back?
- I don't know.
(door slams)
- I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.
I dunno. I dunno.
I dunno. I dunno.
- I dunno. I dunno.
I dunno I dunno.
I dunno.
- Did you find the answers
you sought, young one?
- Oh, yeah. (laughs)
We're good.
Thanks, little demon dude.
- Now, if you-
(cabinet slams)
- Onyx, are you okay? What
did the demon say to you?
- Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm good.
He actually said a bunch
of cool stuff to me.
He was like, "I bet you
got a big ol' wiener,
and you probably f*ck a
lot too."
So yeah, I just wanted
to celebrate
all the cool stuff he said.
(laughs)
(dramatic music)
- Well, Mr. Duke wants
us to rendezvous with him
to discuss his findings.
He's been deciphering the
prophecy, and-
- Oh, cool. Yeah, prophecies
are so fun.
Yeah, let's do it.
Let's rendezvous.
(Onyx chugging)
(Mack sighs)
(Onyx chugging)
- Onyx, maybe you wanna
slow down a little.
- Loud and clear, boss.
- "It is foretelling a
prophecy that will disrupt
the rising of Abaddon.
Beware the prophecy of
the unexpected,"
no, "unforeseen."
Oh, come on, John.
"Beware the prophecy of the,
of the Fortuitous One."
- What?
- What?
- What?
- What?
(Shelley yells)
- What?
(Shelley whimpers)
- Nothing, I-
(Shelley thuds)
- That's right.
Give me everything.
Every last drop.
(Shelley whimpering)
- Onyx, what did you call
yourself when we first met?
- Huh? Oh, I don't remember.
- It was Onyx the Fortuitous,
wasn't it?
- Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
Nah, nah, nah.
I might have said Onyx the
Fortunate One,
because I am ever so fortunate
to have won this contest
and be invited here to be with
all of you wonderful people.
(Onyx chugging)
- What else does it say?
I mean, what happens if
the ritual is disrupted?
What happens if it isn't?
- I, I, I, I, I don't know.
I need more time with the page.
There, there's so much here.
- Onyx, if you...
(Mack sighs)
(lively music)
(Onyx chugging)
Onyx, what are you doing?
- Huh? Oh, I'm just
trying to relax. (laughs)
I mean, all this talk of
demons and prophecies,
I mean, whoo, it is too
mooch. (laughs)
And I just wanna party.
Don't you?
I mean, everyone's so stuffy
here, right?
Bartok and Farrah and all
their f*cking bullshit.
Huh? All their f*cking
bullshitty robes.
And they're dumb-dumb hats.
I mean, what kind of dumb-dumb
wears a hat like this?
It's stupid. And this.
f*ck this goofy-ass emerald
bullshit.
- It's, it's peridot.
- Well, f*ck this peridot
bullshit.
(necklace chimes)
(Onyx chugs)
(ghoul gasping)
(laughs) Dancing makes me
feel so alive! (laughs)
(Onyx chugging)
- What's happening?
- I don't think he liked
what the demon said to him.
- Ah. You know what's weird?
No one has danced since
we got here.
And that's a real shame, huh?
'Cause dancing really
frees you up, huh?
Dancing gets you loose, (laughs)
gets you outta your head.
Farrah, you wanna dance
with me? Come on, baby.
(laughs) Nah? All right,
that's fine.
I can dance by myself. (laughs)
Oh, yeah, she gets it. Come on.
Let it take you over. Let
the rhythm take you over.
Rhythm take you over.
Oh, f*ck. She's a ghoul.
(laughs)
- What, what did he say?
- He said, "Oh, f*ck,
she's so cool."
(Onyx chugging)
Onyx, how much of that
did you drink?
- I don't know.
(Onyx thuds)
(bright music)
And I would do anything
for love
I'd run right into hell
and back
I would do anything
for love
I'll take the vow and
seal the pact
- Who am I?
- You know. Search your heart.
- Who's to say what any of
us are in this twisted palace
built of riddle and rhyme?
And I would do anything
for love
But I won't do that
- [Onyx] I dunno.
No, I won't do
(Onyx hisses)
(upbeat music)
And some nights you're
breathing fire
And some nights you're
talking nice
Some nights you're
like nothing
I've ever seen before or
will again
(Onyx growls)
And maybe I'm crazy
Oh, it's crazy and it's true
I know you can save me
No one else can save me
now but you
- Farrah, what are you?
- [Farrah] Here we can be
anything, Onyx.
I can be whatever your heart
desires most.
Join me and we can be
together for all eternity.
And I would do anything
for love
I would do anything
for love
I would do anything
for love
But I won't do that
- I dunno.
But I won't do
- Or would you rather be here?
- No. Oh, God, no.
- Then be with me. Free
me from Bartok's rule.
- Schwa?
- He raised me from the
depths, gave me life.
but a life of enslavement
is no life at all.
I can be given a new life by
the one the prophecy speaks of.
Together you and I can
defeat Bartok.
But if we don't, he will
complete the final ritual
and use the power of Abaddon
to take the souls of millions.
But if you and I-
(growling)
Oh, no. It's too late.
He found us.
- Who?
- Abaddon.
- [Abaddon] Come to me,
patty slinger.
Come to me. (growls)
(dramatic music)
(Abaddon growling)
- How can I make your day a
bit beefier?
- Marcus J. Trillbury,
we meet at last.
I've heard so much about you.
The patty slinger. The virgin.
The fool. Know this, Marcus.
You are many things,
but you are not the
Fortuitous One.
I have seen the
Fortuitous One.
Does that look like you,
Onyx the Fart-uitous?
(creature squelching)
Does it?
- No, sir, it does not.
- In less than one day's time,
I will rise through an unholy
vessel and enslave the Earth.
Face it, patty slinger,
your time is up. (roars)
(Onyx screams)
(Abaddon laughs)
There's nowhere to run.
(laughs)
Patty slinger. Patty slinger.
I'm coming to get you,
patty slinger. (laughs)
How can I make your day
a bit beefier? (laughs)
When in doubt, skewer it out.
Yahhh!
- Jesus!
Jesus!
- Hey, it's okay, Onyx.
It's all right. Lay, lay down.
You're all right.
Here, drink this.
- What is it?
- Ginger, turmeric, mint,
elder flower,
some other things that'll
help your stomach.
- I'm sorry, Zee. I don't
know what came over me.
- It's all good.
Uh, your little episode
was the perfect distraction
Mr. Duke needed to work
on his translations.
- Oh, sick.
(stomach gurgles)
Mm.
- Drink.
I spent some time in the walls.
This place is a maze.
Dozens of corridors all
leading somewhere different.
- Thanks for taking
care of me, Zee.
- That's what friends
are for, Onyx.
- Oh, yeah. For sure.
Yeah, I know what friends are
and what their general
responsibilities consist of.
(Mack cries)
(somber music)
Zee, are you okay?
- No, I, um,
I feel stupid, Onyx.
Stupid for trusting Bartok.
Trusting anyone, really.
I should have known better.
And I'm,
I'm scared.
I'm really scared.
(solemn music)
- I used to get scared
whenever I'd go on sleepovers.
Even to my best friend
Billy Davis's house.
'Cause it all felt so
weird and unfamiliar.
That's when his mom,
Linda, taught me that song.
And just like Fievel, my
fears would be soothed
and I'd be asleep in no time.
'Cause she reminded me that
no matter how alone we feel,
no matter how far away
from home we might be,
we're still underneath the
same sky as the people we love.
Just remember,
you do have friends.
And you're never really alone.
Because we're all under
the same moon.
(Mack chuckles)
- That's all you saw
in the dream,
the chubby one playing
the piano
and smashing mirrors
with a cane?
- Yes. What I saw is what
I told you.
- Hmm.
(ghoul wheezing)
Farrah?
- Yes, master?
- Why do you insist on
mocking my intelligence,
undermining my power,
deriding my virility?
- Master, I-
- Do you not think
he speaks to me?
Do you not think Lucifer
himself speaks directly to me?
To me!
Or a succubus shrew who
sleeps in a shed?
Give it to me.
(Farrah moans)
Put it in my hand.
Put it in my hand.
(Bartok grunts)
(the figurine shatters)
(dramatic music)
What's the point of having a
psychic demon bitch's power
at my disposal if all she
does is f*cking lie to me?
- I didn't lie to you, master.
- Oh, no, you just chose
not to tell me
that you sensed something
when they first arrived.
You just chose not to tell me
when they witnessed the
taking of a soul.
You just chose not to
tell me that they stole
the f*cking prophecy right
from underneath our noses!
(ghouls wheezing)
Now, if you don't tell
me what you're sensing,
what you're seeing when
you see it, I swear to you-
(metal clangs)
(Farrah gasps)
I will take this f*cking
life from you.
- You can't k*ll a demon
with the Kn*fe of Dagon.
- You know what? I know that
I can't k*ll you with this.
But what I can do is
sever your f*cking head
and put it in a display
case for all eternity,
shielded in unbreakable
Nazarene glass.
That I can do!
- He is here.
- Who?
- The Fortuitous One.
(dramatic music)
(bright music)
(bright music continues)
(Mr. Duke whispering
indistinctly)
- Yes.
Yes, that's it.
That's it. I see it now.
I see it all now.
(laughs) Outstanding.
- It's the teacher, isn't it?
- Mm-mm. The patty slinger.
- Oh, f*cking right.
(object clattering)
How dare you?
You still try to make a fool
out of me?
- No, I swear, I saw him.
- You saw the man of destiny,
the demon k*ller, the
slayer of the bright realm?
- Here within these walls.
(dramatic music)
(Bartok gasps)
One more lie,
and I swear.
- It was the teacher. You
were right, I was wrong.
I just wasn't seeing as
clearly as you.
(dramatic music)
(Farrah sighs)
- I knew it.
(Farrah growling)
I have no doubt our Father
looks down upon you in shame.
(ghoul grunts)
(dramatic music)
(knocking)
- Yes?
- [Bartok] Mr. Duke,
I wondered
if you had a moment to spare.
- Of course. I would
be honored.
- Wow.
You really are a man
of studies, aren't you?
- Well, what can I say?
Knowledge excites me.
- I can see that.
So tell me, what knowledge
have you discovered tonight?
- That you are not the
person you've said you are,
and that your plans for
us, hmm,
well, they aren't what
we were led to believe.
- (laughs) Well, that
is a matter
of perspective, isn't it?
After all, I am offering
you immortality.
- (chuckles) You only gain
Abaddon's power
by offering the demon
five souls.
We would live eternally,
as your prisoners,
locked within the talisman
until the end of time.
Immortality.
No, undying pain and suffering
as we remain cognizant
of our never-ending state
of purgatorial stasis.
Now, that, that is more
like it, yes?
- Eh. Tomato, tah-mah-toe.
(dramatic music)
(Mr. Duke yells)
(ominous music)
(Mr. Duke yells)
(Mack gasps)
(Mr. Duke hums)
(door squeaks)
- Mr. Duke, are, are you
okay? What did you find?
- Oh, don't be silly.
Of course I'm fine.
And I found nothing.
Nothing but the truth.
That we should follow
Bartok's words to the letter
and join him for the
final ritual.
Right f*cking now.
- Are you seeing regular
Mr. Duke or ghoul Mr. Duke?
- What? Regular.
- Huh. Because he's
definitely a ghoul now.
(Mr. Duke growls)
We should run!
(Mr. Duke growling)
- [Mack] Come on.
(Onyx shrieks)
(Mr. Duke growling)
- Keep your mouth closed. These
cobwebs are something fierce.
Oh, f*ck. Are you getting
them or nah?
Just me? I'm f*cking
choking on webs.
(door rattles and squeaks)
Why could I see the ghoul
and you couldn't. Huh?
Why could I see the
ghoul and you couldn't?
- Stand guard. I need to
study this.
(Onyx groans)
Okay, Mr. Duke.
The peridot necklaces.
These crystals. Farrah's been
using them to control us.
Influence our will.
- Well, what else does it say?
Did Mr. Duke have a plan?
Huh? What do we do?
- Yeah, he had a plan.
- What's the plan?
Do we reanimate one of these
dead bobcats
and ride it straight
outta town?
Or do we race this old
dentist's chair downhill
until it picks up enough
speed to sh**t us
into space like "Radio Flyer"?
(whimpers)
Or do we light this place on
fire and perish in the flames?
Or build a makeshift
cannon out of paperclips
and old white out that
we find in Bartok's desk?
- No.
(dramatic music)
I stay here and you go.
- What? Go where?
Stay here? Why?
- Follow the map to get out
and head to the old cemetery.
Find the fallen angel.
Once the blood moon has risen,
that's where the final
ritual will take place.
- What? They're gonna k*ll
you, Zee.
Suck out your soul like
some kind
of demonic Dyson set on
overdrive.
- Listen, everything you
need is in here.
- What's gonna happen?
(lips smack)
- You have everything you need.
- No! Zee, don't do this!
Don't do this! Don't leave me!
Don't leave me! I can't do
this alone!
I'm not who you think I am.
I'm not the Fortuitous One.
I'm just a fat f*cking
patty slinging chubby
fat f*cking virgin.
(door slams)
Zee!
Zee!
(liquid dripping)
(ominous music)
(microphone squeals)
- Paging. Mr. Bartok.
Paging Mr. Bartok, I'm in
your office
f*cking up your sh*t.
What you gonna do about it?
(glass shattering)
(objects clattering)
(dramatic music)
(thunder crashes)
(ominous music)
Bartok, where are you?
Come and get me!
(glass shatters)
(Onyx panting)
(crickets chirping)
(eerie music)
(objects clattering)
(glass crunching)
(dramatic music)
(ethereal music)
(ethereal music continues)
- [Mr. Duke Voiceover] Dear
Onyx, if you are reading this,
I know things must seem
pretty grim.
It looks as though you
are all alone
facing something insurmountable.
But I assure you, that
isn't the case.
We, your friends, are with you.
The prophecy of the
Fortuitous One is clear.
If the souls are collected
underneath the blood moon,
a portal will open
leading directly
to Abaddon's lair in hell.
If the Fortuitous One throws
themselves into the pit,
they will not only be
reborn from beyond,
they will also have the
power to reanimate
the ones who have perished
by the Kn*fe of Dagon.
All of this must be done under
the gaze of the blood moon,
lasting only 300 seconds.
That's five minutes.
- Got it.
(dramatic music)
(Mack grunts)
- Ade due Damballa.
Give me the power,
I beg of you.
Ade due Damballa.
Give me the power,
I beg of you!
Ade due Damballa.
Give me the power-
Somewhere
Out there
(Kn*fe slams)
(Mack screams)
- [Mr. Duke Voiceover] Onyx,
I cannot say whether or not
you are the one the
prophecy speaks of.
That could not be
determined by my studies.
You must search within yourself
and find what you know
in your heart to be true.
However, if you are not the
Fortuitous One
and you throw yourself
into the hell mouth,
you will burn alive as you
fall for miles and miles,
hurdling toward Abaddon's
pit deep beneath
the Earth's surface,
fully awake and aware
for the entirety of the fall.
Then once arriving in his lair,
undoubtedly face centuries
of t*rture at the hands
of Abaddon
and his many demonic minions.
Good luck.
- Huh.
(dramatic music)
I have everything I need, huh?
(dramatic music)
(ghouls snarling)
(dramatic music)
- Patty slinger!
The time has come.
The blood moon blesses us
and Abaddon is waiting.
(ghoul wheezing)
- Zee.
(dramatic music)
- No. Kneel and accept
your fate.
Put your magic to some
good use
and make this fool do
as I say.
- Kneel in the name of Bartok.
(Onyx grunts)
- Now we can begin.
Father, hear me.
I have done as you have asked.
The talisman of souls is
nearly full.
You have commanded,
and I have obeyed.
With this final offering,
we make way for Abaddon.
It's sad. For you, I mean.
But they're not really
in there anymore.
They're in here.
(dramatic music)
Do you know how I know
you aren't the Fortuitous One,
Marcus?
Because you don't impress me.
(Kn*fe slams)
(Onyx groaning)
Farrah, the book.
(dramatic music)
Ade due Damballa.
Give me the power, I beg of you.
Secoise entienne mais
pois de morte.
Ade due Damballa.
Give me the power,
I beg of you.
Secoise entienne
mais pois de morte.
Ade due Damballa.
Give me the power,
I beg of you!
Secoise entienne mais
pois de morte!
Rise, Abaddon! Come to me!
Give me power!
(dramatic music)
- Hey, Bartok!
I just wanted to tell
you something real quick
before all my soul goo is gone.
Hey, I just wanted to say
(indistinct whispering).
- What?
I was just trying to tell
you (whispers indistinctly).
- What are you saying,
patty slinger?
- Uh, this isn't one of Farrah's
crystals at all. (chuckles)
It's an ultra green
pumaman variant.
Surprised you didn't know that.
So I'm free to do
whatever the f*ck I want.
(head thuds)
(Bartok and Onyx groan)
Oh. Oh!
How deep does that hole go?
Well, here goes nothing.
(Onyx yells)
- My life's work!
Gone, in a flash,
because you wouldn't
do as you were told.
You couldn't keep them in line.
You couldn't protect years
of my work for one f*cking
weekend! (sobs)
I've spent my life
preparing for this one night.
(Bartok sobs)
- [Ghouls] Let him rise.
Let him rise.
Let him rise.
- What?
- Let him rise.
- What?
- Let him rise.
- What are they saying?
Why are they saying that?
(flames crackling)
(triumphant music)
(triumphant music continues)
- I stand before you now
not as the man you once
knew me to be, but as a
man revivified,
no longer made of earthly
flesh and bone,
but rather built of
supernatural sinew
and metaphysical muscle, not
unlike the genetic builds
of angels and demons
that wage forever w*r
in opposing kingdoms,
battling over the fates
of monsters and mites
until both time and space
stretch to bleak nothingness
and the stars refuse to expand.
But for what is this
battle raging, you ask.
I dunno. What stands at
the center?
To that I say my soul is at
the center,
for I am Onyx the Fortuitous,
slayer of the bright realm,
an altered warrior destined
to return my friends' souls
to their bodies and seal this
weeping hell portal thusly.
(majestic music)
I dunno. Being reborn is
pretty cool.
(dramatic music)
(Bartok groans)
Not much time left!
Quick, ghoul buddies,
single file.
(triumphant music)
- Farrah, please!
(shovel thuds)
- Our Father was wrong to
choose you.
His faith in foolish men
never ceases to amaze me.
- Is this how you repay me
after all I've done for you?
(ghouls gurgling)
- This is gonna feel weird
at first,
but then it'll feel good 'cause
you'll get your souls back.
(laughs) When in doubt,
skewer it out.
(dramatic music)
(ghouls yelling)
- What are you going to do?
k*ll me?
- No. Worse.
Klaatu barada nikto.
(ghouls groaning)
(blood squelching)
(Bartok gurgles)
(ghouls moaning)
(ghoul yells)
I guess that's what you get
for trusting
a psychic demon bitch.
(dramatic music)
- [Onyx] Hmm.
- Now's the time, Onyx, what
I spoke about in your dreams.
- What?
- Your destiny,
the way forward for you, for us.
- Woah! You mean like a sexy
way forward?
- If the Fortuitous One
joins with a demon,
they can take Abaddon's
power and rule together
as kings and queens in hell.
- Uh, when you say join with
a demon, you mean to like
get married?
- f*ck.
- Oh, f*ck. Okay, right,
got it.
So reign with you in hell
and leave my friends behind,
or stay here with them and
be without my demon bride.
- I knew it was you all along.
I know you could feel me too,
guiding you, pulling
you through.
Stay with me, Onyx.
Together, hell can be what
we make of it.
sl*ve to no master, a
kingdom of our very own.
- But-
(ghouls moaning)
My friends.
- This is our last chance,
Onyx.
Be with me now or leave me
and forever be my enemy.
(suspenseful music)
- I'm sorry, Farrah,
but I can't rule with you
in hell.
My place is here.
With my-
(dramatic music)
- With what? A band of
losers, know nothings?
Is that what you want over
loyalty and exaltation?
Then take your rightful
place as the leader
of the forever forsaken
ugly f*ck-ups.
- Farrah!
- Farewell,
Onyx the Fortuitous.
Until we meet again
in your nightmares.
(Farrah growls)
(dramatic music)
- Ah, you're better off
without her, Fortuitous One.
- Yeah, I think you're right.
Oh, sh*t.
(laughs) Y'all transformed.
That's f*cking tight.
That is fu-, that's,
that's tight (laughs)
Yeah. And he's dead.
(liquid squelches)
- [All] Aw. Huh.
(knocking)
- (laughs) Hello?
Oh, come on. Oh, you're
so bad.
- Welcome to Briardale Manor.
- The f*ck?
(kids laughing)
- (laughs) Ah, the children.
(laughs)
This is our room of focus
and meditation.
Currently our resident
witch is using it to hone
their newfound insights and
skills.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- This is the study.
Here, you'll find volumes upon
volumes of satanic writings.
If you've got a thirst for
knowledge,
it can be quenched within
these walls.
(Mr. Duke grunts)
But here is where we'll take
our lunch.
A place set for everyone.
Ah, I'm being summoned.
Excusez moi.
(bright music)
(Nancy chuckles)
(bright music)
I'd be honored.
- Oh, Mr. Duke.
- Wonderful. (laughs)
(all gasping)
I would do anything for love
Oh, oh
I would do anything for love
But I won't do that
- He's your kid, not mine.
(all laughing)
No I won't do that
- I love dancing!
Dancing gets you loose!
- When? When do we get
our revenge?
- Soon. But we must
have patience.
We must wait until the
time is right.
And when it is, we make
his life a living hell.
Understand?
- Yes, master.
As you wish, master.
I would do anything for love
Oh, oh
I would to anything for love
But I won't do that
No I won't do that
(music continues)
(music continues)
(music continues)
I would do anything for love
Oh, oh
I would do anything for love
But I won't do that
No I won't do that
(dramatic music)
(mellow music)
(mellow music continues)
- Maybe I'm not Mark who
works at Arby's.
Maybe I'm Onyx the Fortuitous,
slayer of the bright realm.
I dunno.
I do hope his eyes
gaze upon me
and that my allegiance is
recognized, I dunno.
Notice me, Senpai, notice me.
No, I didn't wash my shirt
in between shifts, Masha.
So what if I smell like
roast beef?
This whole place smells like
roast beef.
As I stared into the
darkened void,
imagining the hordes of
devils soon to spring forth,
I couldn't help but ponder,
how deep does that hole go?
I was sitting on the
orange velvet couch
watching "Catteries Not
Included" when suddenly
an arousingly confident
Gadget Hackwrench appeared
and asked for my help in fixing
the ever-beleaguered
Screaming Eagle.
I don't know. I acquiesced.
And as I handed her the hog
ring pliers, her fuzzy digits
grazed mine, and in that
moment, truly, I was woke.
But with one last look of a
warrior's accord, we vaulted,
vaulted higher than
Meat Loaf's motorcycle
bursting through the devilish
graveyard's stony sod,
and just like the Loaf,
we soared.
And just like the Loaf,
we sang.
Like a bat outta hell
I'll be gone when the
morning comes
When the night is over,
like a bat outta hell
I'll be gone, gone, gone
(mellow music)
(mellow music continues)
(bright music)
(bright music continues)
(intense music)
(intense music continues)
(intense music continues)
(ethereal music)
(ethereal music continues)
(ethereal music continues)
(majestic music)
(majestic music continues)
(majestic music continues)
(majestic music continues)
(no audio)
Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls (2023)
Moderator: Maskath3