Wild Boys (2023)

[bunniefuu]

All right.

Who's ready to play pirates?

Yes, yes, yes.

I'll be Blackbeard.

- No no, I'm Blackbeard.

No, I'm Blackbeard.

Don't you dare tell me what

I am and what you're not.

You're not the boss of me.

I'm always the boss.

- No, youre a stupid boss.

Youre a stupid boss

who isnt Blackbeard.

Because you can't be Blackbeard.

I'm a better pirate than you.

No, no, no.

You stupid idiot. Im

blackbeard, get off me.

Ouch!

- Thats right.

That's right. Who wins?

Who's Blackbeard?

Say it! Say it!

- Me.

Kate! Im heading out.

- Remember my shake.

Why don't you leave the house for

a change and get one yourself?

I'm busy.

Thanks, Dad.

- I'll be back by four.

Bye. - Bye.

Congratulations.

You are now officially an

Online Certified Ninja.

Your certification will

arrive in 7-10 business days.

Okay.

This is it.

Hey, Dad.

You're late.

You're supposed to call me

when youre late. So call me.

And remember my shake.

If this is another prank

to get me out of the house.

It's not funny, Dad.

It's actually super lame.

Forget about the shake.

Just come home, please.

Okay.

And declaring it, I'm

officially worried.

Just call me back.

Where?

Hi, sweetie.

Hi, whats up Maggie?

It's your father.

Come on.

Hey, I thought you

handled that really well.

You want a cup of coffee?

You know, youre really not

as weird as everybody says?

Can you please have

my house to myself?

Technically, it's

still your dad's house.

He left it to me.

So technically, it's my house.

Oh, sh**t.

Sorry.

I meant to give you

this a few days ago.

It just didn't seem appropriate.

I think it's an audio CD.

What's it say?

How would I know?

Because you listened to it,

which I'm 100% sure you did.

Because you always have

to know everything.

I think you just

need to play it.

This is the will

of Frank Collins.

If I'm not dead yet,

skip to track two.

I had Dan put some classics

from the Boss on here as well.

He gets the booze, by the way.

That's part of the deal.

Kate, I know I've given

you a hard time about,

you know, not leaving

the house and all,

but I want you to know that you made

me the proudest dad in the world.

If it was up to me,

I would get you your shakes

until the end of time.

But it's not, so...

You got to get your own shakes

from now on, so to speak.

What I'm trying to say is

I'm not leaving you anything.

Not the car, not the house.

Nothing.

Oh, wait.

Hold on. Wait, wait, wait.

Oh. Unless you agree

to go on one final

adventure with me.

Just like we used to.

When you were little.

I can promise you treasure maps,

secret codes, and amazing experiences.

All it takes is for you to get

out there and see the world.

You have a week from my

passing to find the treasure.

Once you do, everything

that was mine becomes yours.

And I think you'll really

like the treasure, too.

It's something I've

never told a soul about.

And I'm trusting you to

take good care of it.

You can do this.

Good luck.

- Seriously. A week?

Well, four days now.

Is this even legal?

- It's airtight.

Your dad made sure of it.

The bank is authorized to seize the

property when the seven days are up.

No, Maggie, you can't just throw me

out because my dad made a stupid CD.

I'm not the one

throwing you out.

It's his will.

It'll be easy peasy,

lemon squeezy.

Come on.

It'll be fun.

I heard you're an

online certified ninja.

My certification hasn't

even come in the mail yet.

Is this 100% for sure?

- Yep.

There's nothing else I can do about it?

- No.

I was planning on playing

video games today.

Okay,

Let's see what he had in mind.

That's a lot of green.

Do you know what that means?

Nature.

Mother frickin

nature. I don't hike.

You do now.

Are you going hiking?

What the hell are

you doing here?

Finest selection of

crossword puzzles in town.

It helps him with

his bowel movements.

I mean, what the hell are

you doing in Frank's house?

I'm collecting my inheritance.

Dan, you helped my dad

make the CD, right?

Did he say anything to you about

a treasure or a scavenger hunt?

Yeah.

I used to be a disc jockey

back in the eighties.

You, have a good morning.

Lifes great mysteries...

- Bye Dan.

May the beacon guide you.

Basic clue, Dad.

There better not be bugs.

Son of a bitch

whipped his head around

almost stuck me up

the ass with the horn!

Kate, so you're really doing it?

Damn it!

- You owe me ten bucks.

I knew you'd come

through for me.

You're welcome.

You know, your dad,

he loved these beans.

Hed buy a couple of cans of these to

go on his hikes for the last 15 years.

You're not hiking, are you?

Maybe.

How much?

It's on the house.

- Yeah.

Is this enough? - It's free.

Oh, yeah, I knew that.

I go to stores all the time.

Frank fought this bear once...

Can I have a?

Did you say vanilla shake?

A peanut butter

fudge shake, please.

Peanut butter fudge shake.

It'll be $4.25.

Oh, please have my change

of quarters, please.

Shake will be right out.

Oh, okay.

Kate?

Axel. I havent

seen you in forever.

How you been?

Good.

Did you

go away to college or something?

No.

- Oh.

Oh, hey, I heard about your dad.

I'm really sorry.

Yeah.

So, what have you

been up to these days?

Video games.

Oh, a gamer.

That's cool. I wish I could

make a living off Call of Duty.

I don't make a living off it.

Speaking of duty,

I work for ICE now

Keeping America safe.

Why are you talking to me?

Oh, I just hadn't seen you in a while,

and you came in, it was one of those...

Peanut butter fudge shake!

- Sorry

I didn't mean that to

be mean or anything.

I just don't talk

to a lot of people.

But here, do you want

a sip of my shake?

I cant. Peanut allergy.

I'm so sorry.

I have to go, but keep the goatee

It looks really good on you.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You missed a spot!

Thank you.

So you going digging

for treasure?

No, I'm just.

I'm just going on a

stroll. I'm not. No.

Mm hmm.

What?

He says you ought to

put on some real shoes.

But I say it ain't our place to judge

the fancy footwear of you city folk.

I'm from here.

Then you're just one fry shy of

a Happy Meal, aint you, honey?

Thank you.

Watch out for skeeters.

What?

- And bears.

Oh, my Gosh.

Oh, my Gosh.

No. Oh.

Okay.

Where is X?

Where?

Oh! X. This way.

How am I supposed to find X

when everything looks the same?

You're supposed to be a rock.

X!!!!

Oh, my God.

What's that?

Back off!

Beans!

- Beans!

It's delicious.

Where did you get this?

- The store.

Why are you here?

- Because I got lost.

Why?

- Because my phone stopped working.

Why?

- Because I lost service.

Why?

- Please back off, I cant breathe.

Why?

- Because you're in my personal space, and I don't appreciate it.

Why are you here?

Why do you care?

I. I don't care.

We saved you.

Really? You scared me.

And you made me run into a tree.

And then we saved you.

- Yeah, but I wouldn't have needed saving

if you hadn't scared

me in the first place.

I don't like her.

Why not? She has beans.

Its too dangerous.

She has to leave.

She's not dangerous. She's like a

rabbit, but really, really slow.

Shes not like a rabbit.

She's like a possum.

Ew, no, she's not like a possum.

She's a. She's like a doe.

A cute doe.

Can we keep her?

Stranger danger.

- Yeah, stranger danger.

I'm not scared.

You're scared.

Im terrified.

I'm Red.

- Personal space.

I'm Red.

- Red!

Stranger danger.

She's not a stranger.

She's...

Kate?

Kate? She's Kate?

Hi, Kate?

I'm Red.

Nice to meet you, Red.

That's... Jondeer.

Like the tractor?

Nothing runs like a deer.

Were Wild Boys.

Ugh.

- What does that mean?

We're Wild Boys.

So, what, you guys

live out here?

Well, we live next to the...

You can't tell anyone

that were here.

Anyone. Kate?

Hey, that's mine.

- It's a treasure map.

X means treasure.

You're a pirate?

She doesnt looks like a pirate.

How do you know what

a pirate looks like?

Are you a pirate?

I am a pirate, Captain.

Nice.

What's the treasure?

I can't tell you. It's a secret.

What's the secret?

Personal space, okay.

What is personal space?

Yes. What is it?

It's like a bubble around you

where no one else can enter.

Only you.

I don't see it.

Oh, I don't see it.

Its invisible. You just

have to feel for it.

Oh, I don't feel it.

Can I have my map back?

Oh, we'll find the treasure.

We have the map.

Can you even read a map?

No, no.

Can so! The treasure

is where the X is.

Oh, yeah.

As a pirate captain, I'm

an expert at reading maps.

So how about I read the map

and you guys find the course?

We get the treasure.

- Yeah!

No, My dad left it for me.

Well, then you have to

give us something else.

Yeah. - Like what?

More beans. Okay,

fine. I can do that.

Chips

hot chocolate

and Spaghetti-Os.

- Tomato soup!

You guys can get three

things, and that's it.

Beans, hot chocolate and chips!

Ok, beans, hot

chocolate and chips.

I will bring you guys those things

after you help me find the treasure.

Do you think we're idiots?

No.

What?

Idiots.

First you bring us the beans,

and the chips and

the hot chocolate.

And the hot chocolate.

- And then we help you find the treasure.

No, but we're already out here.

It makes so much more sense

to just do it right now.

There's no treasure here.

You're very bad at treasure hunting.

- Very, very bad.

Ok, fine.

We'll do it your way.

Beans!

Deal.

Deal.

How will I find you?

We'll find you.

Does he always do that?

Every day.

So do you guys play video games?

Me neither, that's

like, super nerdy.

I have hand sanitizer!

Whats happening?

Bye Kate.

I don't know how to get home.

I need my map back.

Hello?

Peanut butter fudge.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, sorry.

My God. What happened

to your head?

A tree.

You okay?

- Yeah.

Hey. Hey, listen, I was

thinking it was really a

you know, it was nice

seeing you the other day.

Maybe I could take you out for

a drink or something sometime.

Oh no. I. I got to go.

Oh, are you going hiking?

Maybe.

- Oh, can I come with you? I love to hike.

Maybe some other time.

Oh, come on. It'll be fun.

I have to go.

Ok.

Be safe.

Are you stalking me?

No, no, I

thought itd be nice if I

surprised you with a picnic.

You know, I've got some cheeses

Oh, my God, patriot down!

You promised to keep the secret.

Oh, no. I didn't know he was

following me until just now.

Now we have to k*ll

him. Kate, Kate, Kate!

Hes not going to tell

anyone, right, Axel?

Yeah.

Pinky promise?

- Yeah.

Do it.

Do it.

Here's the stuff.

You ready to do this?

Who the hell are these guys?

It's complicated.

They're like savages.

Are they even American?

Does it matter?

Absolutely. We cant have illegal immigrants

just wandering around our country.

There's no telling what kind of

raping and pillaging they could do.

You can't tell

anyone about this.

I am an ICE agent and it is my duty

to inform the public about this.

Okay? They can't ask

me to pinky promise.

I'm asking.

Why do you care?

They're helping me.

I thought you said you

didn't need any help.

Just get out of here before

they change their minds.

Kate, not without you!

Why is he still here?

He's just about to leave, right?

You sure you want to do this?

- I can take care of myself.

Could be dangerous. Axel,

I don't need your help.

I want you to call me when you

get off the mountain, okay?

I need to know you

made it home safe.

Whatever.

If you tell anyone about us,

we'll find you.

- And k*ll you.

Okay?

I pinky promised.

You did.

I did. Did.

Enjoy that brie, if you can.

Can I have my map?

Thank you.

Okay, so this is

where we need to go.

So all this green we have to cross

is forest, and the gray is mountain.

Oh, that's Big Rock.

- You know it? - Yeah.

Yeah.

- Is it far?

Yeah, it's really far.

Mm mm.

- Oh, one more thing before we go.

You guys remember

personal space?

It's an invisible bubble.

Exactly.

Not invisible any

more. Blow these up.

I want that one.

- I want that one.

You blow it up. Put

your mouth here.

On this one.

Its too hard.

Bite down on this

part right here.

Oh.

- Yeah.

Guys. Captain calls a break.

Ugh.

- Captain's orders.

Fine.

Bush Tit.

Excuse me?

- Bush Tit.

Whats a Bush Tit?

It's a bird.

White Breasted Nut Hatch.

That's pretty cool.

What other tricks do you know?

I can catch fish

with my bare hands.

No way.

Way.

Do you know any tricks?

I have a magical thumb.

Show me.

Jondeer, Jondeer, look.

She has a magical thumb.

Again.

Again.

I think that's all I can take.

I don't want to

make it permanent.

I like her a little better now.

Word on the street is you two are the

best hunters in town. Is that right?

Aint you that ICE agent that cried wolf about

15 times last year if I aint much mistaken?

I mean, look, are

you or are you not?

Damn straight.

I want to hire you for a job.

What kind of a job?

I need you to track two young men living

in the wilderness outside of town.

I have reason to believe

they are illegal immigrants.

Quite possibly Canadian t*rrorists

planning an att*ck on our town.

He says bullshit.

And to that I say,

why aren't you taking this

through the proper channels?

This sort of thing supposed

to be your job, ain't it?

I need proof before I

take this upstairs, okay?

I cant have another

case dismissed?

Oh, I bet you can't.

Theres another one

when youre done.

America's in danger?

We are talking

national security.

You hear that?

Muricas callin.

Oh, well spy for you.

Observe and report, okay?

Dont let them see you.

I'll be in touch.

Your call sign is Hillbilly NSA.

Wow.

Pretty cool, huh?

Where's the treasure?

No idea.

This is X. Where's

the treasure?

Yeah, I don't know.

I just have a clue.

May the beacon guide you.

Careful, we built that!

- Sorry.

You know what? I know.

Let's meditate on it, okay?

May the beacon guide you.

We built a lot of stone towers like

this all throughout the forest.

Theyre good for keeping

away evil spirits.

Keep us safe.

- Hey, can you guys be quiet?

How am I supposed to meditate with

you chit chatting the whole time?

Just be quiet so we

can let the beacon...

The beacon!

No! No, Kate!

Stop, my treasures in here.

What?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Open it.

That's not a treasure.

Yeah, no doy.

I only have three days left.

How does he expect me to find the treasure

if he can't even leave me a real clue?

Sorry, Kate.

Sorry, Kate.

Well make you hot chocolate.

Yeah.

- Really?

Hot chocolate always helps.

No ones made me hot chocolate

in a really long time.

Let's go home.

Keep your eyes closed.

Keep em closed. Walk, walk,

walk. Keep your eyes closed.

Keep them closed.

This way Kate.

Remember, Wild Boys secret.

- Okay.

Are your eyes closed?

- Theyre closed, Red.

Come on. We're almost there.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Are your eyes closed? - Yeah, theyre closed.

- Okay.

Open your eyes.

Wild Boy camp!

You guys make this.

- I did. I did. Yeah.

Jondeer helped a little bit.

A little bit. Kate, come here.

Come here, come here.

Look, look, I k*lled this pig.

I caught him and I stabbed him.

Well, Jondeer stabbed him.

You know, I skinned him.

Kate, look here, we grind with

this. We cook all of our stuff.

This is Jondeer. This

is where he sleeps.

Okay?

- Jondeer sleeps here.

Kate.

Yeah.

- Red, I sleep right here.

Nice, Red.

Yeah. Sometimes I roll

over and hit Jondeer.

He gets really mad.

Then, right here,

Kate, is our food.

This is the smoke

and the... the heat.

Oh, it's so good.

And with this right here, it

smells and tastes really good.

And, Kate, look over

here. Look, look, look.

Kate. Kate.

I poop on that tree right there.

And Jondeer poops on that one.

- Okay, cool. - You can poop on that one...

I don't need to know that one.

And then right here,

Kate, this is the fire.

Tastes weird.

Jondeer, this is sunscreen.

This is not for eating.

Are you okay?

- You guys want to make hot chocolate?

Yeah. Hot chocolate.

Okay.

Here you go, you gotta stir it.

Thanks, Red.

Its perfect.

I still can't believe you

guys actually live out here.

Where else would we live?

Anywhere with Internet.

Our people have always

lived out in the forest.

This is not a very

good flashlight.

Do it again. Idiot.

You're an idiot.

Oh, what's it say?

- Hidden people.

Oh, it's a story my dad used

to scare me with as a kid.

Okay. One time there

was this little girl.

She went into the forest

and she came across these

hidden people called the Hulder.

They look just like

you and me except

they have tails.

And she became really

good friends with them.

And they showed her

all these magical things about the

forest that she never knew before.

But then one day she went

into the forest to see them

and they tricked her

deep, deep into the forest.

They jumped her. And ate her!

I don't think they eat people.

Okay. It's just a story.

But I think I know

what it means.

I think my dad is telling me

I have to go to that cave where he

used to tell me the Hulder lived.

On the mountain road.

- I wouldn't live in a cave.

There's only one way in or out.

If a bear att*cks,

youre dead. Stupid.

We'll come with you.

You don't have to if

you don't want to.

She can handle it on her own.

We made a deal.

You bring the goodies, we

help you find the treasure.

Wild Boys don't

break their promises.

Fine.

It's nice having friends.

We're the best

friends you can have.

To new experiences

and new friends.

Friends.

Friends.

It was this big, but Jondeer

said it was only this big.

It was clearly this big.

- No, no, it was this big.

I caught it first, I was the one that caught it.

- Red, you are so stupid.

I k*lled it. You are so stupid.

- Dont talk to me like that.

You're an idiot!

Are we going in that?

Yeah.

It looks dangerous.

We'll walk and meet you there.

- Yeah. - Yep.

Oh, okay,

I thought you guys were

brave, but guess not.

I'm brave.

- I'm braver than Red.

No, Im brave!

Then get in the car.

I thought you guys wanted to help me find the treasure.

- Yes.

Then get in the car.

- No.

No.

Have you guys ever

had these before?

Theyre good, yeah? You want more?

- Yeah.

Come here. You want more?

Okay.

We're just going to sit back

here for a while and enjoy these.

Now, I am going to go up

into the drivers seat.

I'll drive!

I'm driving.

Really, guys?

Sit down.

You're fine.

Im Jondeer.

The Chipmunks is on the move.

This is it.

You guys ready to find the treasure?

- Ready.

Leroy Jenkins!

Leroy Jenkins.

What is that?

Hey, that country club tool didn't

say nothing about no treasure.

Oh, you damn straight we will.

I don't know anyone who

would live in a cave.

Except if you want to Kate.

Lets just figure out why my dad

wanted us to come here and get out.

This is it.

Hulder.

What?

- It says Hulder.

I thought you couldn't read.

I can read runes, its easy.

Of course, its a

code. Red, hold this.

Of course.

Okay, got it.

Lets go.

Yeah, Stickem up and

hand over the treasure.

I have no idea what

you're talking about.

We know you lots

looking for treasure.

We heard youse talking about it.

Now, unless you want

a little meeting here

with Garth Brooks, you

better start explaining.

You kidding me?

The only treasure I have is dirty

underwear and a dead game boy.

Look, look, look.

Either you or one of your little

t*rror1st buddies better start talking

because we know youse

hiding something.

What do you mean Axel's

going to get pissed?

Axel put you up to this?

This is exactly why I

never leave the house.

You can't go anywhere without running into bunch of idiots.

- Idiots!

Hey, we're not idiots.

We're entrepreneurs.

Then go find the treasure

yourself. Lets go.

Her anger really does keep her from

being mindful of other people's feelings.

That was so brave, Kate.

- Yeah.

I just get so frustrated

with idiots like that.

Idiots.

Where are we going?

Back to my house.

It's the best place to lay low for a while

while we figure out what the code means.

It's too dangerous.

- Do you have more beans?

I've got beans.

I have a bad feeling about this.

- Beans. - No too dangerous.

Beans.

Beans, beans, beans, beans!

This makes no sense.

Hi, Dan. Still solving

crossword puzzles?

It expands the vocabulary

and exercises the noggin.

You ever done code breaking?

- I was with the CIA in the Cold w*r.

Of course you were.

My dad left this for me, but it makes no sense.

- Hi.

Hi!

You wanna play It?

We were playing sticks.

- Sticks.

I can teach you It.

Yeah, yeah. Yes. Come.

You're not going to help me?

Cant you see? I'm going to go

play It with my new friends.

Whatever, Dan.

Im it first. Youre it!

You got to touch him. Go.

He's got to get me now.

I'm missing something

really obvious.

Whos it?

What the hell is a Zoplec?

Those aren't runes.

Time out.

I'm using the wrong alphabet.

Shakes!

Guys, its shakes.

Have you ever had shakes before?

Okay, we need to go.

But you can't go like that.

Okay, here's some hot chocolate.

Now we just need to get

you some normal clothes

so you guys are going to

look like you own this town.

Nope.

Try again.

I used to do the Prt--Porter

shows in Paris in the eighties.

You need help.

Oh, okay.

You guys look...

- Weird.

Nice.

- I done good, huh?

Yeah. Dan, real good.

Now let's go find some treasure.

I used to be a grave

robber down in Egypt.

Let me tell you it was a long time...

- It's time to go home, Dan.

Are you going to help me or

just sit there and gorge?

Im so full.

Kate, there's nothing here.

What is that?

That's my parents.

The clue has got to be

somewhere in this picture.

Kate.

Maggie?

- Are you going to introduce me to your friends?

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, This is Red mund.

And this is John.

- Jondeer. I'm Jondeer.

Like the tractor?

- No.

I'm Sheriff Maggie Jones.

How did you two sneak into town?

t*rrorists.

These men are t*rrorists.

You're ridiculous.

Sheriff, I have reason to believe

that these two men are affiliated

with a Canadian t*rror1st cell

operating out of the Rockies

known as the Maple Leaf Mad Lads.

You've been on the Internet

reading conspiracy theories again?

No. Check their IDs.

He's delusional. They

haven't done anything wrong.

Then there shouldn't be a

problem with checking their IDs.

Boys?

It's complicated.

They don't have

their IDs on them.

Hah! Hah!

Should I be worried here, Kate?

No, Maggie, we're

just trying out shakes

and looking at pictures.

- And looking for treasure.

They are planning an att*ck.

- Ill att*ck you.

You just want Kate because you

like her. You think she's pretty?

Everyone calm down! Axel, stand down

before I report you to your supervisors.

I'm sure you don't want

them to hear you're out

performing another act of

heroism on their behalf.

Kate, Red, Jondeer.

I'd like to have a chat with

you down at the station.

That's not necessary.

I wasn't asking.

You broke a pinky promise.

Now you're going to have

bad luck for 27 years.

Ladies, Axel Johnson,

local hero, patriot.

If you're ready for a

fling, give me a ring.

Well, after I fell,

they offered to help me.

There's no way I would have been able

to do anything out there by myself.

So they pretty

much saved my life.

And Jondeer was strangling him...

- Sit down!

Where did you come from before

your home in the forest?

Was it Canada?

- I've never seen a Canada.

Where then?

It's a secret.

You got to work

with me here, buddy.

Red Shouldered

Hawk.

So, have you ever been with or

dealt with known t*rrorists?

What's a t*rror1st?

Do you have a girlfriend?

Kate is my friend.

- Oh.

So are you guys, like, doing it?

Yeah.

- Where? When?

On the mountain.

In the forest. In the

cave. In the house.

It's getting hot in here.

- It's hotter in the fire.

Jondeer said it was this

big, but it was this big.

Guess I'm the best

fisher I've ever seen.

Just answer the question.

Are you related to Jondeer?

So you're not doing it?

We were looking for it.

Looking for the treasure.

That makes me very happy.

Why did you help Kate?

She's very clumsy.

And?

Red think she's pretty.

- What about you?

Red doesn't think I'm pretty.

I'm Jondeer.

Yes, you are.

Red. I'll take it slow

this time for you, okay?

Okay.

What is your real name?

Reeeeeeed.

- Oh, got it.

Yeah. Thanks a lot.

They're my friends.

Are you having sex with them?

No, Maggie. No.

Jondeer said Red likes you.

Maggie, you are

such a gossip queen.

Okay, so just stay out... No.

Is that why you're blushing?

- Did he really say that?

I can't hold you guys, but I am

going to have to run your DNA

and your prints against our national

databases and that may take some time.

What about Axel?

I know Axel's like

an angry hemorrhoid.

Trust me.

I wish I could make him

disappear, but I can't.

So you guys are going to have to

tread carefully for a while. Okay?

Okay, can we go.

You're free to go. Kate.

I know you've got dibs on Red,

but I'm calling dibs on Jondeer.

I'd work that tractor every day.

Cool.

Really proud of you, Kate.

The scavenger hunt

is really working.

Never seen you so

full of life before.

No, as soon as this is over,

I'm getting Amazon Fresh

and I'm never leaving

my house again.

Kate has a boyfriend.

Bye Maggie.

- Bye!

It's a real pirate paper.

- Wow.

What does it say, Kate?

Boss Spectrum 71381, 11.

The Boss is Bruce Springsteen.

My dad was obsessed with him

like beyond what is healthy.

He used to sing me Born

in the USA as my lullaby.

What about the rest?

I'm not sure.

It must be some sort of,

like, lesser known song...

The River!

What?

- Bruce Springsteen.

The Spectrum in Philadelphia,

July 13th, 1981.

Me and your father was there

with 90,000 other people.

Oh, I said it then

and I'll say it again.

It was a day I'll never forget.

But why The River?

11th song on the setlist

neatly positioned between

a Woody Guthrie cover

and a Jimmy Cliff cover.

Dan, you can't even

remember where you live.

How the hell did

you remember that?

Priorities, Miss.

Pri-ori-ties.

Okay.

Guess we're going to the river.

- Swimming.

Oh, and you know, the second

verse of that song is true

in Frank's case.

No, no, no.

What?

In the second verse of that song,

the guy gets his girlfriend pregnant.

Are you saying I was

conceived at the river?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay.

I know that had to happen for me to be here,

but thats just so gross to think about.

I don't want to right now. I don't

want to hear about it right now.

So it just. Itll

ruin my childhood.

So we're just going to... You guys

can watch some TV. I feel gross.

I'm gonna go take a shower. So here.

Heres the remote, go watch some TV.

Just don't go anywhere.

If you guys sit that close your

eyes are going to get square.

The kidnapper allegedly grabbed

the victim in broad daylight,

taking him as he was

going to his car.

The police say it's as

if he just disappeared.

The criminal is still at large and

the police are eager to hear from

anyone that can provide

additional information.

We will continue following the

situation as it develops and keep you up

to date on everything.

Hey, hey,

hey!

All have a good morning.

Thank you. Wheres Jondeer?

I don't know. Maybe

he's in the bathroom.

I guess not.

His spears gone.

- Crap.

He's probably just

hunting us some breakfast.

No, we have breakfast here.

- Oh.

Hope he doesn't do

anything stupid.

This is delicious.

Shouldn't Jondeer

be back by now?

I'm sure he'll be back

soon. Oh, this one time.

He was gone for

three or seven days,

and he was chasing this

fox that took our food.

And he came back with

the fox and not our food.

I think he ate it.

Okay, if he's not back in 20

minutes, we're leaving without him.

Freedom.

Hey Billy, Call of

Duty later, yeah?

Okay.

I guess whatever

John Deere is doing

is more important than

helping us find the treasure.

Red, are you ready?

- Ready.

Okay, let's go.

All have a good morning.

How are we supposed to

find the treasure here?

Swimming!

Woo! Kate, jump in!

Lets go look for the treasure.

I'm Jondeer.

How are we supposed to

find the treasure here

if my dad didn't even tell

us what we're looking for?

Maybe we should do what

your dad was doing?

What? No, we can't do that.

I nev... We cant

do what he did here.

Ive never done that.

Unless you want to do that.

I never done that before.

What are you talking about?

I don't think my dad

sent me here to have...

Sex. Whats sex?

You don't know what it is?

- No.

Tell me. Is it fun?

I don't know.

I never done that.

Walk me through the steps, Kate.

Why do you want to know?

Because then we can do

what your dad was doing

and maybe find the treasure.

Its what a good hunter would do.

Not a bad idea, but I want to say that

I kind of feel like you're trolling me.

No, I hate trolls.

Okay, well, Ive never done it

before, but I feel like probably...

Maybe you probably start out by, like,

getting really close to each other.

Okay.

Okay. Then, you would probably,

like, touch each other.

Okay. This. This is sex, this is...

- No not yet.

Maybe you get really close.

- And that's it.

We had sex.

My dad probably would have offered

my mom a bottle of wine or something.

Like this?

Where did you get that?

No, no, I found it.

I'm close to it.

I like it. I want

to have sex with it.

Red. Give me the bottle.

You said.

- Just.

I'll tell you more

later. Hold on.

Its a clue.

Congratulations.

You're almost there.

The last thing on

this little adventure awaits

along with all the old treasure

maps from when you were little.

This last map will lead

you to the real treasure.

I hope you find it as

enjoyable as I have.

Now, you take good

care of it. Go getem.

Let's go.

Did we have sex?

- No!

What the hell?

- Careful.

What happened here?

I made hot chocolate.

- No. Here.

I kidnapped him.

What made you think

that was a good idea?

TV.

- That's a horrible idea, Jondeer.

Oh, we had sex.

Im so sorry about this.

I promise you. It's never

going to happen again.

Untie me right now.

So I can knock these fart

brained sons in tomorrow.

Calm down.

I am perfectly calm, but nobody

treats a patriot like this.

It's probably just a joke, okay?

Right, Jondeer? It was just a joke.

He's a hemorrhoid, and

it's best if he disappears.

We are going to rip out

your toenails one by one.

I swear.

You are getting a one-way

ticket to Guantanamo Bay.

Do you realize what you've done?

The sheriff said she wished he disappeared.

- She did? Yes.

So I made him disappear.

- Jondeer!

Kidnapping people is

illegal, and it's not nice.

So just untie him while I go figure

out where the treasure map is.

Good job.

Thank you.

She's so mean sometimes.

The sex, Jondeer. The sex is...

Tell me what it is.

Me and Kate did it, but she showed

me all of it down by the river.

She showed everything.

- Enough! Enough!

You're going to regret ever

touching your hands on me.

Stickem up! Now.

Alright, let's show these beardos

how Americans treat t*rrorists.

Let's go, boys. Now.

Get in the truck.

Found it! You guys ready?

Hello?

I did it.

New York Times Sunday

edition has been conquered!

Dan, where did everyone go?

Oh, I thought I heard kerfuffle.

And, then, I heard

that Bear's voice.

Oh, she makes the finest

moonshine I have ever had.

And, I thought for sure

I must be dreaming.

Because ain't no way

she could be here.

And, then, I heard silence.

So I went back in, and I did it.

13 across.

Grizzly.

Dan, do you know where

they brew their moonshine?

Moonshine Mansion,

heaven on earth.

Can you take me there?

I'm not due for a

refill till next week.

Dan. Game on.

That'll be a whole good time.

Hillbilly NSA, this

is Patriot One.

What kind shake you want? Over.

Peanut butter fudge.

You know I have a level

red peanut allergy, right?

It's the only way to go.

All right, fine.

Just because I owe you one.

- They must be in there.

The good stuffs

always in there.

Wait.

We got to MacGyver ourselves

out of this situation, okay?

Do you have any expl*sives?

Not on me.

Here. Hold that.

I got to go take a piss.

Okay.

Nows our chance.

Okay. Just go that way.

Hiyahhh.

Ah!

Nobody messes with my Yappy.

Cave troll!

Dan! Dan! Theres a very rude,

mean looking woman out here.

Okay, Bear.

Okay.

I'm an Online Certified

Ninja, Bear, so watch...

And Im a bear!

This is my first fight, okay?

Aw, did you hurt yourself?

Why dont you cry and

call somebody who cares?

Run! Get out guys!

Drop my moonshine now!

Damnit Dan, thats

my best moonshine.

Hey, Bear, you want some beans?

What?

Let's go.

Kate,

you're so pretty.

- Are you drunk?

I had a little bit

of that weird water.

All right.

Who is ready for

some hamburgers?

See what happens when

you treat everything

different from you like it's

a frickin t*rror1st thr*at?

Just because someone

is unfamiliar

doesn't mean they're going

to blow your house up.

It's because of people like you

I never want to

leave my house again.

Peanut butter fudge.

Let's go.

That was a whole good time.

Lightweight.

We're going home.

No. We only have one more

day to find the treasure

or else I'm going to lose all

this. We're having so much fun.

Don't you just want to

know what the treasure is?

I found the last clue.

Look, it's a map of the forest.

So here's Big Rock.

Here's Hikers Parking and

we just need to get to here.

X.

- No.

Oh, come on. Don't

be such a buzzkill.

Think about what Red would want.

Kate, we're Wild Boys.

We don't belong here.

One more adventure is

not going to hurt you.

It already hurts a lot.

Dont you at least just

want to know where X is?

This is where it leads.

- Yeah, you know it?

Yeah, it's over, Kate.

Were going home.

Come on, please!

Why?

- Because I need your help.

You need our help?

You need our help to get to X.

You guys have helped me this whole

time, and I can't do this by myself.

Yes, you can.

You've been there.

- No, I haven't.

Look.

Youre the treasure?

We're Wild Boys.

You knew my dad?

Always had a helpful hand for

those in need, your father.

Why didn't you tell me?

- Wild Boys don't tell secrets.

He brought us beans and chips and

Spaghetti-Os and hot chocolate.

I messed up.

- No. Kate, youre our new best friend.

No. My dad trusted me

to take care of you guys, but I

can't even take care of myself.

I'm sorry.

I'm going to fix this.

Sheriff Maggie Jones.

- Hi, Maggie, it's Kate.

I need help.

Kate, what the hell

have you been up to?

It's a long story, but Axel and

his g*ons tried to kidnap the boys.

Axel is prancing around down here

telling everyone who will listen

that your boys

tried to k*ll him.

I don't know what you guys are

up to, but it looks like he's

making out with poison oak and

people are actually listening.

I can't do this alone.

- Listen to me.

You're a strong,

independent woman.

You can do anything

you set your mind to.

For Gods sake, you're an

Online Certified Ninja.

As far as I'm concerned, the boys

could disappear back into the wild

and never be missed.

I can't say the

same for you though.

Got it. How long do we have?

I'll do my best to stall

them, but it won't be long.

Okay.

Thanks, Maggie.

Time to go home.

No!

- Finally - I want to stay here with you.

We're about to have the wrath

of a bunch of angry hillbillies on us,

so we need to go and we need to go fast.

Kate, then you

come home with us.

Kate, this is Patriot One.

I mean, Axel.

Look, let's just end this before

anyone else gets hurt, okay?

Just give me the t*rrorists

and I'll make this all go away.

You know in your heart

it's the right thing to do.

Okay, America will thank you.

And, Kate,

you're the bald eagle

to my American flag.

I love you. Do you copy?

Eat sh*t.

Gods, I hate that guy.

Okay.

It's time to put the

wild in Wild Boys.

We're going to have to go farther

and deeper than ever before

and I have a plan.

Do you trust me?

We'll be Wild Boys together.

Game on.

You all have a good time.

Bye, Dan.

- Bye, Dan.

The goal is for us to

gather at Wild Boys camp

no later than sundown.

Whoever is not there by

sunset gets left behind.

No exceptions. Understand?

Okay, so I'll take

the regular trail.

Jondeer, I want you to take the trail that

goes west and then south to throw them off.

Red, just go straight to the camp and be fast.

- Ok, fast.

We need to get

everything ready for...

Run!

I want them alive.

Split up.

Whoever is not back at camp

by sunset gets left behind.

He says its an awfully strange way

of winning a young girl's heart.

And to that, I say,

love's a fickle thing.

Like the Lord It works

in mysterious ways.

I don't pay you to

play Dear Abby, okay?

I pay you two to

track t*rrorists.

Now, which way did they go?

Now, he says...

- I get it!

Yeah, tell me about it.

Who the hell's Abby anyway?

I should have done

Ninja Extreme.

Son of a bitch!

- How could you miss? - Hes scrawny.

Where the hell

are you all going?

I told the wife Id have

the grill fired up by 7:30.

And now Im gonna catch hell because

it ain't gonna be done till eight.

And we got the

barn dance tonight.

There are t*rrorists

at large in our county.

Oh, we scared them up good.

They ain't gonna come

around here for a while now.

We scared them up real good.

This is ridiculous.

This is un-American.

God, you yell a lot.

- Inbreds, roll out.

You about to really piss me

off with all this yelling.

Hey, idiots, over here.

Son of a bitch!

Did you already get them?

- We scared them up good.

We're going to the

barn dance. You coming?

Is Axel still out there?

Yep. Him and Bear and Yap.

sh*t.

Red.

- Yeah, nice.

What?

Wheres Kate?

Kate!

This godforsaken rent-a-cop

got me up here on this mountain

when I could be making moonshine

chasing half naked men that I

can't even have my way with.

And they make me do

all kinds of stuff...

Unh uh... I'm done.

You now, too?

I aint made for

this kind of stuff.

I'm good at sprinting, but I'm

wasted over long distances.

You on your own.

America will not

thank you for this.

America will thank me if

I sh*t you in your behind.

Good luck catching

her, short feet.

No, no, no.

Stop it.

- Kate!

We can never be like them.

She's gone.

She's gone.

We can't be like them.

Wild Boys?

Wild Boys.

We have to move quick.

Game over, Kate.

Where are they, Kate?

- I have no idea what you're talking about.

Tell me where the t*rrorists are!

- Youll never find them.

Stop! Police!

Axel, lower your w*apon.

Ive got it from here.

Axel!

Put down the shotgun or I'm blowing your

brains out and calling it self-defense.

Youre out of your

jurisdiction here, Sheriff.

Want me to call your boss?

What?

One phone call to her about how you've

yet again embarrassed the agency,

you'll never have a career

in government again.

No. Look, okay. This job is the

only thing I've ever been good at.

Kate Collins, I'm arresting

you on charges of as*ault.

You have the right

to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be

used against you in a court of law.

Do you understand the rights

as Ive read them to you?

I understand.

Are the hotties okay?

Yeah.

Lets go.

Ill never forget the

shine in that auburn hair.

Mother Nature sure did

good with that one.

I miss them.

It's your last day

out here, right?

You ordered that Amazon Fresh yet?

- No.

I'm going to keep

shopping at Giffords.

Besides, I'm almost

done with my game.

The room cleaning thing?

- No, it's a new one.

I think youll really like it.

It's got some really hunky characters.

- Now you're talkin.

Sweetie, your dad would

be so proud of you.

Thanks.

Okay, let's see how you look.