Christmas Classic, The (2023)

[bunniefuu]

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

ELIZABETH:

On the first day

of Christmas

My true love gave to me

A partridge in a [burps]

[indistinct] tree

On the second day

of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Brand new boobies and ah f*ck



I wish.

(LAUGHS)

On the third day

of Christmas

My true love gave to me

Football tickets,

but I don't even like football

I'd rather be at a spa

On the fourth day

of Christmas

Your daddy gave to me

A second STD

Christmas freakin' sucks

It's stupid

The only thing that rocks

Is getting screwed

by a mall Santa

Wooh!

Yeah, you know

what I am talkin' about, girls.

Get all mall Santa

up in your business.

Merry Christmas, b*tches!

CONNOR:

Come on.

()

ELIZABETH:

Hey, honey, just landed here

in New Mexico.

CONNOR ON PHONE:

Are you gonna stop by

and see your family?

(CONNOR AND ELIZABETH LAUGHING)

ELIZABETH:

Very funny.

I'm just here to close the deal

for us to buy the ski resort.

CONNOR ON PHONE:

Great.

If you can get it closed

before Christmas,

my dad said there's a raise

in the future.

ELIZABETH:

Well, don't worry.

The owner is a family friend.

It'll be easy.

Oh, Julie's calling.

Let's talk later, okay?

Love you.

CONNOR ON PHONE:

Love you, too, babe.

(BEEPS)

Oh my God!

JULIE ON PHONE:

Where have you been?

Long story,

but I had to fly back home

to New Mexico.

JULIE ON PHONE:

Okay, but did you see it?

See what?

JULIE ON PHONE:

So you haven't?

What are you talking about?

JULIE ON PHONE:

Karaoke! From the other night?

JULIE ON PHONE:

Videos of it have gone viral.

What? No. N--

JULIE ON PHONE:

I'm afraid so.

Shit. Julie, I gotta go.

I cannot believe it. Oh my God!

Okay, it's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay, right?

It's gonna be okay.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CHEERS)

RANDY:

(INDISTINCT SPEECH)

Yeah... (INDISTINCT SPEECH)

Boys, thank you.

Lookin' good, boys.

Go on, hop up there, buddy.

All right.

Throw it on over, Wyatt.

Hey! Nice.

Oh my God.

Oh my God, are you serious?

Are you kidding me?

Oh my God! Why is this my life?

(HONKS)

ELIZABETH:

Oh my God, why?

You got a good tree, dude. Good.

(SCREAMS)

Okay.

(INHALES, EXHALES)

Okay, keep it together.

Not right now.

(EXHALES)

Beautiful! What a guy.

-All right, Marcy.

-(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)

Good doing business with you.

You too, buddy.

-All right. Well, see ya.

-All right, thank you.

Yeah. Thank you, guys.

(ENGINE REVS)

Okay. It's okay.

Phew, I'm just gonna--

I'm just gonna leave it

until later, because--

(EXHALES)

(GRUNTS)

Oh my God!

Ugh, are you kidding me?

Uh-- uh, oh, come on!

-Excuse me.

-ELIZABETH: Yes.

You okay?

Does it look like it?

Well, not really.

Um, you're here to buy

a tree?

Nope.

Well, you're not dressed to ski

lookin' like that.

No, I am here to see the owner.

Got it.

Uh, just to let you know,

we do have a ski shop

that sells women's boots

in your size

if you need a new pair.

-Okay, thank you.

-Okay, all right. Oh, Je--

Oh! Oh. Oh.

Yes.

(CHUCKLES)

Um, my shoe is stuck.

-Got it.

-In the mud.

-Good. Get that for you.

-Oh, yeah.

-All right.

-Oh God.

(GRUNTS)

Here is your shoe.

Yep.

Sorry about that, lady.

Thank you.

(GRUNTS)

Okay.

Okay.

Right.

(EXHALES)

Do you uh,

do you know where the owner is?

Oh, he's up at the top,

cuttin' down a tree

for next weekend's

Christmas Classic.

Of course he is.

And when will he be back down?

Is he expecting you?

No, I'm just here

to discuss some private business

with him.

Well, could be a while.

He likes to take his time

up there, so...

Well, do you think

maybe someone could radio him

and tell him to come down?

Ugh, no.

No, unfortunately,

it's too secluded up there.

I'll tell you what,

I'd be happy to take you up

on my ATV.

I'm headed up there anyway,

so...

You want me to go

to the top of the mountain

in this

on the back of your ATV?

Well, I think I did mention

that we do have a ski shop

that sells

not only women's boots

but also seasonal

winter-appropriate attire.

Or I got an extra one of these.

No, not a chance in hell.

[WHIRRING)

(INDISTINCT LYRICS)

()

What? What-- what are you do--

Where's the boss?

Hey, Randy Collins.

What?

Owner and operator of Ski Alto.

Are you serious?

Uh, yeah.

Well, where's Jack?

My dad?

He died a few years ago.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Wait, so you're Randy Randy.

Oh my God,

I didn't even recognize you.

You're so different.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, that's one way to put it.

I went to rehab for weight loss.

Started eating healthy.

I ski and hike every day.

So, there you go, Elizabeth.

And you know who I am,

of course.

Yeah, of course I do.

(EXHALES)

By the way, love the new video.

Oh, you saw that, too.

I think everyone's seen it.

It's almost as funny

as your first one.

What's it been,

like six, seven years?

Ten. My sister's wedding.

Okay.

Well, the answer is still "no".

Excuse me?

I'm not sellin'.

You know, this land has been

in my family for generations

My grandparents' idea

to put the slopes in,

so they cut down the trees

themselves

with the help of the community,

including your family.

Speaking' of which,

have you seen yours yet?

We're not here

to discuss my family.

Well, I think we are.

You know, if I sell

and you decide

to make it private,

that means

they can't ski here either.

Wealth comes in more forms

than just money, Elizabeth.

Have you seen the smiles

of these people's faces

flyin' down the mountain?

This place is perfect

just the way it is.

Again, if I sell,

all that's gonna change.

Well, change isn't necessarily

a bad thing, Randy.

It is if it means

keepin' the community out.

(SIGHS)

Okay,

what if I can convince my boss

to make it semi-private,

and it's a win-win?

You could still run it

and all the community

could still ski here.

I mean, there's no downside.

Mm...

Randy, look,

if you don't evolve,

my boss will just take it

to the next town,

which means the business

will all go there,

and eventually Ski Alto

will dry up.

So...

Right, well,

okay, this boss of yours,

does he listen to you?

You can get him

to agree to this?

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, I'm engaged to his son,

so...

Right.

Well, might take me some time

to think about it.

Okay, well, how long do

you think it'll take,

'cause I'd really love

to let him know.

Might take a while.

I do all my best thinkin'

up here.

So, excuse me.

(GRUNTS)

-Randy!

-RANDY: Yeah!

Wait, can-- can you at least

just take me down

before you do all that?

Sorry, I--

I gotta do this really quick,

But uh,

you can either wait for me

or head on down

through the trees

to the ski lift.

It'll take you down.

What-- really?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

()

Oh my God! Is that you?

Sis! Is that really you?

Hey. What?

-ELIZABETH: Yeah. Hi.

-Oh my God!

-Oh.

-Mm!

Ow.

Damn, it's been long!

What are--

are you working here now?

What?

Your outfit.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, I've just borrowed it.

Uh, it's cold, so...

Hey, Bynn, wow!

Hi!

-Look at you!

-Hi.

You are so uh, sparkly.

Isn't it fantastic?

It's the unisex line Lynn

has been working on.

It works for men, too, right?

It's very masculine

and powerful.

Okay.

So beautiful, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(LAUGHS)

Oh my God!

And look at you two,

you've grown so much!

LYNN:

Yeah.

-ELIZABETH: And you, you're new.

-LYNN: Yes.

-Hi.

-This is your Aunt Liz!

Okay.

(LAUGHS)

So, did you come back

to watch me

win the Christmas Classic again

and celebrate our decade

of love?

(LAUGHS)

(KISSING)

Oh yeah.

Ten years of equality

and 50/50 partnership

where we make

all the decisions together.

I make all the decisions.

Of course, yeah, so great.

No, actually uh,

I came to surprise you.

-Yes!

-Surprise! Surprise!

-You're so cute!

-Yeah.

-Come here. Oh my God.

-Oh. Okay.

So, are you g-- Are you gonna

stay with mom and dad then?

I-- y-- I am. Yeah, I-- I am.

That's where I was

on my way to right now.

We're having plans all week

with them.

So we will see you a lot.

Great.

Yay!

Great. I can't wait.

Yes, you're here!

-Yeah.

-Ooh!

-Yeah.

-LYNN: Love it.

I'm here. Bye!

(MUNCHES)

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, okay.

Bye!

(DOOR OPENS)

Are you kidding me right now?

(DOOR CLOSES)

Really? Really?

Today, right now,

this has to happen?

Oh my God, I hate this place!

Oof! Need a lift?

No. I'll be fine.

Really?

You're gonna fix that tire.

I have fixed tires before.

No, no, no, I'm--

I'm sure you have.

I just meant you know,

in that outfit.

Come on.

I'm headed out,

I'll give you a lift home.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR OPENS)

ELIZABETH:

So, how come you never left?

I did.

Really?

Yeah, I went to the New York

Institute of Technology,

four years of computer science.

(CHUCKLES)

You in Manhattan?

I'm sorry, I just--

I just can't see it.

Uh, well, it's true.

I worked several years

for an IT company.

Then I got a job offer

from this you know,

big ol'tech company,

but before I could accept it uh,

my dad died.

So, that's why I came back to--

to run the mountain.

Right.

I'm-- I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to laugh.

I-- I didn't realize.

That's all right.

I got thick skin.

I was fat for most of my life,

remember?

(LAUGHS)

Well, not anymore.

RANDY:

All right, so do you wanna go

to your sister's house

or your parents' house first?

ELIZABETH:

What? What do you mean?

(RANDY CHUCKLING)

RANDY:

I'm just kiddin'.

Well, your sister and Bynn

moved in there last year.

ELIZABETH:

Really?

RANDY:

Yep.

I'm putting my IT degree

to full use

installing their light show.

Her design, of course.

Of course it is.

(CHUCKLES)

God bless her.

Crazy runs in the family.

Yeah.

Gettin' kind of worried, though.

I mean, if she wins

for the tenth straight year

in a row,

definitely gonna have

to sell this place

and get the heck out of here.

(SCOFFS)

So you'll sell if she wins?

No, but you make a good case

for the town.

You know, maybe you're right.

Maybe it's time for this place

to evolve.

That's fantastic.

All right, hold on.

I'm not sayin' "yes" yet,

I'm still thinkin'.

And you know,

you'd have to sweeten the deal,

of course.

I mean, I'm sure

I can get you more money.

Yeah, that's a start.

Maybe one more thing.

Anything.

You have to beat your sister

in the Christmas Classic.

Well, that's not possible.

I mean,

she's won every single year.

Well, you beat her

in the junior division once.

It-- that was

a long, long time ago, okay?

I haven't skied in years!

It-- uh, uh,

not since the accident.

RANDY:

Well, you know,

you've always been

a better skier than your sister.

(SIGHS)

I'm not. No, no way.

Oh, come on!

Your parents would love it.

No, I can't, okay? I can't.

I don't have time.

I have to leave.

All right, well,

Then enjoy telling your boss

and your fianc

that my final answer is "no".

They seem like the kind of guys

that love hearing that word.

So I'm sure

that'll go over great.

(ELIZABETH SIGHING)

(DOOR OPENS)

ELIZABETH:

Oh.

Oh, look at dear old daddy.

(CHUCKLES)

RANDY:

Love your dad. He's so cool.

Oh, he's-- here he comes.

Oh, look at dear old daddy.

RYAN:

He's the best.

ELIZABETH:

Oh.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, Randy!

Merry Christmas, buddy!

How's it goin', Jimmy?

Good to see you, man.

Merry Christmas!

JIMMY:

Oh my God!

Hi, daddy! Surprise!

JIMMY:

Hey!

(LAUGHS)

Come here! Oh, what do you--

Surprise?

What do you mean surprise?

This is the best surprise

I could ever hope for!

What are you doing?

You here for Christmas?

I-- yeah, I sure am.

Oh my God!

Your mama's gonna freak out.

Great.

I'll tell you what,

let's go inside,

let me get your bags.

Oh, I uh, I don't have any bags.

Oh.

Because um,

the airline lost them, so...

Ugh! Oh!

ELIZABETH:

But I have a pair of shoes

that I'm just gonna grab

real quick.

Okay. What about you, buddy?

Let's go get

one of 'em bourbons, huh?

Oh, thanks, Jimmy,

but I gotta get back to work.

Oh, come on, get an eggnog!

(LAUGHS)

Come on.

Yeah,

Randy, just an eggnog, please.

I am sorry.

I know I already owe you one.

I'll owe you two.

I mean, I'm-- I'm in--

Uh, yeah, why not? Sure.

(CHUCKLES)

()

All right,

come on in right here.

Watch your step.

(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)

Okay, buddy.

Wow! Here we're.

Yeah.

-Hoo!

-Hoo!

All right.

Look at this place.

(GRUNTS)

Home sweet home.

Yeah, I think your mom's

in the kitchen.

I'll go get her for you, okay?

Oh, no, that's okay, daddy.

I wanna surprise her.

-You sure?

-Yeah.

-Okay. She'll love it.

-I'll be right back.

Okay.

Oh, wow, Jimmy,

your granddaughters

are quite the artists.

Oh boy.

Well, they're a bunch

of bloodthirsty psychos,

if you ask me.

Well...

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I mean, it's all about positive

and uh, encouragement

these days, you know?

Yeah.

I mean, look at this, Randy.

Is this not a pretty picture

of death?

(LAUGHS)

I'd hate to stifle

their creativity now,

wouldn't you?

Right.

I need a drink, brother.

Okay. Yikes.

Hi, mom.

Oh my goodness!

(GASPS)

Are my eyes deceiving me?

-No.

-It's really you!

Yes.

And where is

that handsome fianc

I've been hearing

so much about?

Oh, unfortunately,

he couldn't make it this time.

Oh, honey,

did you blow it with him, too?

No, mom, we're still engaged.

Oh.

He just-- he's working.

Oh, I'm sorry,

but I'm glad you're here!

Oh.

This is going

to be the best Christmas ever!

Oh. Yeah, it sure is.

(AKEEM AND AUNT BETSY LAUGHING

IN DISTANCE)

Uh, Randy.

Yeah?

You may want to hurry up,

you're gonna need this, brother.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

And uh,

of course you know Betsy, right?

Yeah. Hey.

Yeah. Well, this is Akeem.

All right!

Nice to meet you, Akeem.

Very nice to meet you.

(LAUGHS)

Randy, my favorite word.

Oops, okay.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Good to see you.

Akeem, this is the guy

I was telling you about.

The bum!

Excuse me?

-He the bum, right?

-Yeah, the ski bum.

What? People call me that?

Randy, this year's classic

needs an international division.

Akeem and I want to compete.

Oh, okay.

Um, well, why would you be

in the international division?

Because we got married last week

on our cruise to Saint Vincent.

(GRUNTS)

It was love at first sight.

Dual citizenship.

(KISSES)

Congratulations.

(ELIZABETH LAUGHING IN DISTANCE)

Is that who I think it is?

ELIZABETH:

Oh, wow.

Mm, yes.

She's just here to surprise us.

ELIZABETH:

She got married again?

Yes, again.

Oh God.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Speak of the devil! Aunt Besty!

I am so glad to see you. Oh.

Oh, uh, congratulations!

Mom told me the good news.

Like they say,

sixth time's a charm.

Is that what they say? Okay.

Ooh. Now there's a ring.

So you-- you really were

on top of the barn,

just your boots on?

Butt naked.

But--

(LAUGHS)

Where in the effing F is she?

Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas.

My favorite time of the year.

Have you all seen this video?

JIMMY:

Helen!

LYNN:

Where is she? Mom!

(SIGHS)

LYNN:

Mom!

Great.

This is the safest place

to view the fireworks.

Okay, good to know.

LYNN:

Mom, come here!

You gotta see this.

Hey, girls,

let's go turn on the news

and see if they say anything

about Santa.

This is gonna be

the best Christmas ever.

Oh, bring us a figgy pudding

Oh, bring us a figgy pudding

Sing with me.

We won't go

until we get some

We won't--

Okay, I'm afraid him go end up

on Dateline.

d*ck ON TV:

Gentlemen, we are expecting

plenty of snow...

ELIZABETH ON VIDEO:

Getting screwed

by a mall Santa

HELEN:

Hey, I really like this.

No, stop, just listen.

We are in luck

because tonight we are expecting

to get six inches of snow.

And I bet you'd love

six inches,

wouldn't you, Linda, huh?

ELIZABETH ON VIDEO:

Brand new boobies and ah f*ck



I wish.

Why-- why are you showing them?

Quiet!

Here it comes, here it comes.

ELIZABETH ON VIDEO:

Your daddy gave to me

A second STD

Did you just say

what I think you said?

It was a joke.

It was a silly joke.

Oh, here it comes.

Here it comes.

Oh, this thing,

you see this thing?

My crazy sister Lynn Flynn

made this crap.

Yeah, merry freakin' Christmas,

sis.

Wooh!

Baby, who's feelin'

the Christmas spirit?

KJ ON VIDEO:

Okay, hey, alright.

What do you have to say

for yourself, huh?

That is the last time

I'm gonna send you

one of my handmade masterpieces.

Oh, yeah?

Well, money doesn't equate

to good taste, sis.

Mommy, what does it mean

to get screwed by a mall Santa?

(LAUGH TOGETHER)

Do you see what you've done?

Honey, uh, sometimes the elves

are so busy

that mall Santa's have to screw

the bigger presents together

and then the real Santa

picks them up

and delivers them

to all the good girls and boys.

Good save.

Good save.

Daddy, I hope a mall Santa

screws my--

Me, too!

No! Bynn!

Bynn, Bynn, Bynn, Bynn,

take 'em out.

Out, now!

Let's go.

LYNN:

Get out.

BYNN:

Let's go.

LYNN:

Get out.

You have to leave, Bynn.

(LAUGHS)

Mommy?

What?

Would six inches make you happy?

(LAUGH TOGETHER)

Really? Really?

(LAUGH TOGETHER)

Am I the only sane one here?

God! Oh!

(LAUGH TOGETHER)

I'm gonna win

that Christmas Classic

'cause somebody needs

to take her down.

Red flowers

paintin' your backyard

Your long hours

when you're chasing God

How do you know

When to stop

Hey.

CONNOR ON PHONE:

Hey, hey, babe.

Hey, what's up?

CONNOR ON PHONE:

Just havin' the boys over.

Wish you were here.

Have you closed the deal yet?

No, not yet.

CONNOR ON PHONE:

Clock's a tickin', babe.

You know my dad wants

to own the resort

by Christmas morning.

(SIGHS)

Yeah, I know,

it's in seven days.

And he's gonna sell um,

but he just wants

a bit more money.

CONNOR ON PHONE:

Huh, for that dinky resort?

No chance.

And there's

one other little wrinkle.

CONNOR ON PHONE:

What's that?

I have to beat my sister

in these silly competitions

we have here

called "The Christmas Classic."

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

Who's that?

CONNOR ON PHONE:

Okay, hey,

it's already paid for.

Somebody get it.

Sorry, babe, I gotta run.

Okay, what-- uh--

Love you.

(THUD)

(SIGHS)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Hey, daddy.

Hey, babe.

So, uh, I guess my room

is no longer my room, huh?

Oh, no.

Your Aunt Betsy's just never

at home,

and she didn't see any reason

to keep her apartment,

so I don't know,

we just let her throw her stuff

in there.

What happened to all my clothes?

Mm, I don't know.

That's a good question.

Your mother either give 'em away

or your sister bedazzled 'em.

(BOTH LAUGH)

But the good news is

that Aunt Betsy's gonna

let you use some of her clothes.

That's a good news?

JIMMY:

Oh yeah.

Aunt Betsy's clothes?

JIMMY:

Yeah.

Great.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I don't know, sweetie.

All I know is

I'm just so thankful you're here

for Christmas.

Me, too.

Good night, sweetie.

Good night.

JIMMY:

Yeah.

()

(FLIPS)

(ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS)

It's time to feel the music

(SIGHS)

Oh.

What is this?

Oh. Oh my God.

Oh, oh.

Island Christmas

(SIGHS)

Are these two--

(GROANS)

Oh. Oh.

(SIGHS)

()

Island

Island Christmas

(SIGHS)

Good mornin'. Brought you this.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, what's the-- hey.

What in the hell

are they doing?

Apparently it's their uh,

Nine Mornin' Festival.

We're on day three.

It's the way they celebrate

their lead up to Christmas

in Akeem's country,

Saint Vincent.

ELIZABETH:

Well, do they know

that it's 5:00 in the morning?

JIMMY:

I think it's tradition

that they celebrate

between 5:00 and 7:00 a.m.

every morning,

before they go to work.

Does Aunt Betsy even have a job?

She goes on cruises.

Oh.

She's good at it.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm going back to bed, sweetie.

Oh.

(KISSES)

You should, too.

(JIMMY GRUNTING)

Island Christmas, yeah

Island Christmas, island

No. No.

(SIGHS)

Island Christmas, island

Oh.

(GRUNTS)

Island Christmas, island

Feels like I just

shed my skin

And let the cold air

do me in

Oh, sunshine

Sunshine

Feels like I just get sad

Around the same time

every year

Oh, my mind

My mind

Sunshine, come save me again

Oh, please

Hey.

You know, I think I mentioned

that we do sell ski outfits

in the ski shop.

Very funny.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm just glad it still fits

and it's not bedazzled.

(RANDY CHUCKLING)

So the trainin' begins, huh?

Yep. Any pointers?

Oh, you want me to help you

win,

so that I can sell the resort

that's been in my family

for generation

to your billionaire

boyfriend's family.

Uh, uh, fianc,

So sorry. fianc.

Yeah.

I don't see any problem

with that.

Well, I would,

but I'm pretty busy

with the Classic,

and you know, I already promised

your sister and Bynn

that I'd help them

with their light extravaganza.

So...

Of course. have fun.

All right.

Hey, Elizabeth!

No more viral videos, huh?

I'll try!

Since this

is your first time snowboarding,

you're gonna wanna take it slow.

Don't want you pullin'

a Liz Bird.

What'd you say?

Oh, I told her

not to pull a Liz Bird.

You know,

don't do somethin' stupid

that causes a big accident.

Oh.

SNOWBOARDER:

I thought everybody

heard of that.

No.

I mean, it's not really a thing.

Definitely a thing. You ready?

I don't think so.

Sunlight, baby

I've been feelin' so at home

I've been feelin' so at home

Hey, yeah

Sunlight, baby

I've been feelin' so at home

I've been feelin' so at home

Oh, yeah

Sunlight, take me

Never let me be alone

You know

Oh, yeah, yeah

(PANTS)

(CAR ENGINE WHIRS IN DISTANCE)

()

-Here?

-No.

(RATTLING)

-Here?

-LYNN: No!

-What?

-No!

It's uh, keep--

You're not listening!

I'm saying, "Over there."

Over there.

Around this one?

Really, Bynn? Uh, why?

You used to be so good at this!

What happened?

(YELLS)

Why did I marry you?

I know why I married you.

'Cause you're a flippin' genius

and this is gonna

look flippin' fantastic.

Okay, keep going.

Yeah, to the r--

To the right more.

Right, on that limb.

(GRUNTS)

LYNN:

Yeah. Yeah!

This?

Yes, there!

Ah, God,

that is so much better!

It looks so much more

symmetrical.

You have such a flair

for design.

LYNN:

That is-- I love it. I love it.

How's it going over there?

Do you think you're almost done

with the electronics part?

I thought you said

you were an expert on this.

I'm w-- I'm workin' on it.

Can you work faster?

Why don't you stop

barking orders at everyone?

Uh, excuse me, I'm not barking.

I am directing.

Okay, you just need to

light a fire under their asses

or nothing gets done here.

ELIZABETH:

Unbelievable.

Nothing ever changes with you,

huh?

Once a bitch, always a bitch.

What?

You know what your problem is?

(WHISTLES)

ELIZABETH:

Oh, what?

LYNN:

You're jealous of me.

(LAUGHS)

Why would I be jealous of you?

You are.

I've got the perfect husband,

perfect kids,

amazing clothing company

I created myself,

and guess what?

I'm about to win

the Christmas Classic

for the tenth consecutive year.

Well, you're wrong

about one thing.

What?

You're not gonna win your tenth.

At least not this year,

because I'm competing, too.

What makes you think

you can beat me?

'Cause she's got a great coach

What?

Why would you do that?

Well, because, Lynn,

to be honest, I--

I'm sick of gettin'

two Christmas cards

from you every year.

You know, one of you

and your beautiful family,

which I love,

and then another one of just you

and all your trophies.

I'm over it.

Sorry, buddy.

I love you, but I'm out.

Randy.

But, Randy,

you have to finish your job.

9:00 a.m. sharp.

Tomorrow morning.

You got it, coach.

Really? You're just gonna bail?

Be nicer next time.

I need you, Randy!

Randy.

(SIGHS)

Randy!

Bynn, we have to work hard.

Randy, come back!

We have to work hard.

Bynn, Bynn, Bynn.

-Randy!

-Let's get up the ladder.

Let's go, Bynn. Let's go.

(CAR ENGINE WHIRS IN DISTANCE)

(FLIPS)

(ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS)

It's time to feel the music

(SIGHS)

()

Island Christmas

(YAWNS)

Good morning.

Hey, thank you.

All right.

(SIGHS)

Island Christmas, yeah

Well, I guess if you can't be

in the Caribbean,

bring the Caribbean to you,

right?

I guess.

(CHUCKLES)

()

Morning!

Oh, wow! It's not even 8:00 a.m.

Thought I told you 9:00.

Don't remind me.

any chance I could

get some practice rounds in?

Uh, not yet.

No, there's more

to this competition

than just skiing.

Oh.

Here. Follow me.

Okay, wait here.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER

IN BACKGROUND)

All dynasties must come

to an end sooner or later.

There you go.

What the heck is this?

For the light show.

You gotta design how you wanna

decorate your house.

I'm in real estate, okay?

I don't do the creative stuff.

I can't.

Oh,

where's your Christmas spirit?

Let's go.

(SIGHS)

Hey, everybody,

when you're in need

of a little powder

in your life--

(SNORTS)

Not that kind,

head on out to Ski Alto.

It has everything

you're looking for.

Great slopes, amazing views,

stiff drinks,

and me,

your very own d*ck Mountain.

Because if you're a fan

of the good life,

what else do you really need?

Where are you taking me?

Um, somewhere

with a little more inspo.

d*ck ON TV:

Also, don't forget to come back

and check out the 20th Annual

Christmas Classic this week.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

()

()

()

No, that's amazing.

I would-- I mean, I would, too,

you know what I mean?

Yeah. Oh, excuse me.

Hey!

ELIZABETH:

Hey.

I'm all finished up now,

so I can go pick up

some materials.

Um, I'll come with you.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

I-- I also promised my dad

I'd move some stuff around

in his store, so...

Even more reason for me

to join you, right?

-I'll go.

-Okay.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, yeah!

Wow, it's really grown!

You're gonna get your fianc

a Christmas present here?

What do you think?

I don't think it's his style.

Are you sure?

Don't think it'll work

so much in the city,

but it's amazing.

Wow!

JIMMY:

All right. Come on.

Let's get this thing

right through here.

You know, you picked out

the right one.

This is the one I've been doin'

for a long time, yeah.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, hey, guys.

Hey.

It's perfect timin', huh?

Well,

I brought an extra set of hands.

Oh! Thanks.

I'm just gonna help him

get this out front

and I'll be right back.

Oh, let me get that for you.

You guys go ahead and catch up.

-You sure?

-Oh, yeah.

Oh, thank you, Randy.

Oh, and thank you. I appreciate

your business, okay?

Thank you.

I hope you guys

have a very merry Christmas.

-You, too.

-All right.

Wow!

What?

You guys seem to be spendin'

a lot of time together, huh?

He's helping me train

for the games.

You sure that's what it is?

Yes, I'm sure.

I'm engaged, remember?

I love Connor.

Okay.

Well, Randy's a good guy, too.

and it wouldn't hurt

your mom and I's feelings

to have both our girls

really close.

Well, I don't think anyone

can get closer than Lynn.

Oh God.

(CHUCKLES)

You got me there.

You think it's bad

having one woman

telling you what to do

all the time, try two.

Yeah.

And your mama wonders

why I can't quit drinkin'.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Oh, and you got your mom and

in a really bad position.

ELIZABETH:

Why?

Who we supposed cheer for

this weekend?

Well, I tell you if I win,

maybe I'll stick around

a little longer.

Oh, yeah? Now you're talkin'.

You know,

you really outdone yourself

with these big carvings.

JIMMY:

I know, right?

It seems like

that's all they want these days.

The bigger they are,

the more they want.

Well, you're really talented,

daddy.

Thank you, sweetheart.

(JIMMY CHUCKLING)

So sorry to interrupt.

Uh, Elizabeth was sayin'

you need some help around here.

What can I do?

Yeah, well, I just finished this

for a buddy of mine this weekend

and uh,

I'd like to get it out front.

Oh, yeah, it's a beauty.

I'm on it.

You sure?

I'm pretty strong, Jimmy.

Can do it.

(CHUCKLES)

That's it. Yeah, right there.

Oh, no, no. Oh, oop, oops.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry. How do you--

Uh, we gotta turn it like this.

I figured...

(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)

All the way around.

And then you just.

()

Ah, beautiful up here, isn't it?

You say that to all the ladies

you bring up here?

What? No! You're the first.

Uh-huh.

My ex-wife hated skiing,

you know, all this.

Whoa! You were married?

Yeah, I was back in New York.

Once I decided

to come around the mountain,

she refused to come, so...

I think

she preferred me behind a desk

and I preferred it out here.

-I'm sorry to hear that.

-Yeah.

You know, not all women

are like that.

No, it was my fault.

I was blind.

You know, all the signs

were there.

You know, it might be better

if I just sell

the resort anyway.

Why is that?

Well, so I can pursue

my real passion, singing.

Yeah, maybe we could--

(ELIZABETH CHUCKLING)

Travel the karaoke circuit

together.

What do you think?

Yeah. No, I think--

I think I'm done with that.

Yeah. No, I-- I hear you.

I'd rather snowboard

through a blizzard naked

than sing

in front of really anyone.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Naked?

-Yeah, I think so.

Okay. Okay.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

All right, we got work to do.

Let's do it.

Okay.

I'll race you down.

Well, hold on a second. Let me--

(CHUCKLES)

Buckle that!

()

()

(FLIPS, ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS)

It's time to feel the music

(YAWNS, GRUNTS)

-Good morning.

-Good mornin'.

Thanks.

(INDISTINCT SPEECH)

Well, operation whip Lynn's ass

in the games is underway.

Hmm.

Well,

you don't tell your mother.

And of course

I won't tell your sister,

because I love you both

the same.

But it wouldn't hurt my feelings

to crown a new champion.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I love you, daddy.

I love you too, sweetie.

HELEN:

Oh, that's very nice. Oh, yes.

Yes, get some sprinkles, Swynn.

Nice blood. Oh, that's so cute!

Wow! You girls are up early.

Oh, tomorrow's the big day!

The TV station will be here.

So, to help your sister,

the girls

are spending the day with us.

Oh!

HELEN:

We thought

we'd bake some cookies

to pass out to everyone

who shows up.

Well, isn't that nice?

HELEN:

Mm-hmm.

Oh, oh, wow!

Uh, very creative, right?

Right, okay.

You know, girls,

when your mom and I were young,

Aunt Besty would--

Aunt Betsy.

Oh, well,

we called her "Aunt Besty"

because she was the best.

She would take us sledding

and she would take us playing

in the snow.

How about we go sledding today?

Just the four of us.

No? No takers?

Okay, what's up?

You guys don't like sledding?

It's not on the list.

What list?

Is this for real?

Oh, it's for real.

It's usually laminated.

8:30 to 9:45, baked cookies.

Don't forget to take pictures

of girls making them.

Only allowed to eat one.

9:45 to 10:45, read books.

10:45 to 11:00,

a little snack time,

but don't ruin lunch.

You know what? Screw the list.

We're going sledding!

What do you say?

It's okay. Come on, girls.

Come on!

All right,

I'm gonna go get dressed.

Get your shoes on!

()

Hey

Hey

Hey

Hey

()

()

Hey

Hey

Hey

()

-Yeah?

-Ooh, I like it!

A little Santa there.

I love Santa there.

Frosty the Snowman.

Ooh, look at my Frosty.

(LAUGHS)

LYNN:

Is it now

like the light show stuff?

Yeah, it's probably best

we just stay here.

BYNN:

Yeah?

Very nice.

-BYNN: Oh, hi.

-We went sledding.

We had hot chocolate.

We got new clothes.

We had a snowball fight.

We built a snowman!

You did? Okay.

All right, let's head inside.

Let's go inside, girls.

Bye, girls!

Oh, tryin' to be best auntie,

aren't you?

Well, they needed

to have a little fun.

-LYNN: Really?

-Yeah.

So you changed their clothes?

They wanted new clothes.

Really?

Yeah.

They don't want

to be bedazzled all the time.

Where are they,

'cause I'm taking 'em back.

-ELIZABETH: Okay.

-Okay.

Calm down.

You're welcome, by the way.

By the way, thanks.

Yeah. Ugh.

Changing their clothes.

Island Christmas, yeah

Island Christmas, oh, yeah

()

()

I can't accept the loss,

I'm hard-headed

There's a little bit

of madness to my method

Many fallin' off

that fine line

That I'm treadin'

And I'll risk anything

to be great

And I'm not letting nobody

rob me of my victory

Number one,

that's what I'm meant to be

When by any means

the only thing

That makes sense to me

I can make nice,

I'll make history

I got that dog in me, yeah

Turn me up

Big energy,

got the crowd going nuts

I got that dog in me, yeah

Hear me out

I'll take on anyone,

I don't need no one

I got that dog in me, yeah

I'm talkin' all bite,

no bark

I could rip your squad apart

I got that dog in me, huh

So what's up

Yeah, yeah, yeah

So what's up

I got that dog in me, yeah

Turn me up

Big energy,

got the crowd going nuts

I got that dog in me, yeah

Hear me out

I'll take on anyone, I don't

So what's up

Happy holidays,

merry Christmas, everybody.

I'm d*ck Mountain.

Good gosh, it's cold,

but I'm gettin' paid.

Hey, first event of

the Christmas Classic tonight.

First out of three.

Tonight, competitors, we'll see

who has

the most Christmas spirit

by lighting up the neighborhood

with their decorations!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER

IN BACKGROUND)

()

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doin' here?

Don't you wanna be over there

with all the others?

Nah, workin' on something.

You like surprises?

Depends.

(LAUGHS)

Let's say "hello"

to the first family.

They are Bynn, Lynn, Wynn, Kynn,

and Swynn!

And they are--

-The Flynns!

-The Flynns!

d*ck:

Oh God, help me!

Wow, that really was somethin'.

Come on up here, tacky family.

Come on and say "hello".

Wow, that really was fantastic.

You look great.

What do you have in store

for us tonight?

A big show.

Well,

we are all excited to see it.

Aren't we, people?

(CROWD CHEERING)

Yeah, let me hear that.

Let--

let me hear it one more time!

Are you excited? Great?

Hey, how about we count this in?

You wanna count this in?

Let's start with--

-Three, two, one.

-Three, two, one.

d*ck:

And...

(CROWD CHEERING)

I mean, that is

a ridiculous amount of lights.

All right. You ready for this?

For what?

You know,

just put my college degree

to work.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

Oh, that-- that's lovely.

I mean, it's-- it's pretty.

Oh. Oh.

Just your usual Christmas setup.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Okay, just wait for it.

Merry Christmas to you

Oh my goodness,

the eagle has landed, everybody!

Dennis, pick up sticks,

we're movin'.

No!

-Let's go, people!

-No, no, no, no.

d*ck:

Let's check it out!

Come on with me!

No, no. Wait, d*ck, d*ck!

No, guys, no!

The-- the show is still going!

The show is here!

My true love gave to me

Brand new movies,

brand new movies

Woohoo!

There she is, everybody,

the mothership!

Come on!

Wow,

you got the air dancers goin'!

You got lights, you got music.

We got everything, folks.

Check it out, everybody!

It's stupid

The only thing that rocks

Is getting screwed

by a mall Santa

Ha, ha, ha.

Come on. Hey, hey!

What are they doing?

What are they doing?

Oh, wow!

LYNN:

Oh my God!

Mm.

Who selected the music?

(LAUGHS)

Wow!

-RYAN: What do you think?

-HELEN: Oh my God!

(LAUGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Surprise!

Hi!

-I made it, I made it.

-Oh, wow!

ELIZABETH:

Lovely. Oh God.

This is great.

What is all this?

Well, it's our light show.

-It is?

-Yeah.

-So this is...

-This is my dad.

-This is Connor.

-Pleasure to meet you, yeah.

-Yeah, my pleasure.

-How you doin'?

ELIZABETH:

Yes.

CONNOR:

Hey, nice little hometown

people.

ELIZABETH:

Yeah, everyone's come

to see the light show.

Yeah.

I like it.

(CHUCKLES)

And there it is, folks,

the end of night one!

The first event

going to Elizabeth Bird!

What a surprise!

(CHEER TOGETHER)

Oh.

Come on, inside the house.

Now! Come on, inside.

Inside, let's go.

Yes.

Absolutely stupendous!

We're gonna see you tomorrow,

event two

of the Christmas Classic

at ski alto.

I am d*ck Mountain.

I am signing off!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER

IN BACKGROUND)

Oh, Bynn, you, too! Come on.

(SOBS)

(FLIPS)

(ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS)

What the hell is that?

It's time to feel the music

Oh, it's Akeem's

Nine Morning Festival.

That's how

they celebrate Christmas

in his home country

of St. Vincent.

What?

Who gives a damn?

We're in New Mexico.

I do.

(GRUNTS, SIGHS)

Island Christmas

(SIGHS)

Oh yeah

Island Christmas, oh yeah

()

Island Christmas, yeah

Island Christmas, oh yeah

()

(SIGHS)

I don't know why my dad wants

to buy this place.

It's not that bad.

Are you kidding me?

I mean, there's nothin' special

about it.

I sure as hell know why you left

and never wanted to come back.

(SIGHS)

Once we own this place,

I don't see either one of us

ever coming back here.

Actually, I was thinking of uh,

asking your dad

if I could oversee the project.

When I'm in California?

Absolutely not.

I mean, once you're my wife,

you won't have to work.

Well, we're not married.

Yet. Soon enough, babe.

First thing you have to do

is win these ridiculous events.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey!

-Hi.

-Hey.

Um, this is my fianc Connor.

This is uh, Randy.

He owns Ski Alto.

Oh! Heard great things.

Thanks, man.

Yeah.

Anyway, I should go check in.

Um, I'll see you in a bit.

(CHUCKLES)

(KISSING)

Really like this mountain.

Thanks.

Excited for the possibilities.

Also lookin' forward

to hammering out that deal

with you after this weekend.

Huh, assuming Elizabeth wins.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm sure we can come

to an arrangement,

no matter what.

If you'll excuse me,

gotta make sure we're

on schedule.

Okay.

d*ck Mountain

back on the mountain.

Welcome back to the 20th

Annual Christmas Classic.

Two events to go

after last night's light show

extravaganza

and our very own Elizabeth Bird

bringin' home the award,

goin' totally Griswold

on all the competition

last night.

Wouldn't wanna pay

that electric bill.

But, folks, this year,

we're adding a new category,

men's and women's

international divisions.

But today we are all about

the cardboard sled derby

and, folks,

this one's not for points.

So come on out, you're invited.

You're all welcome

to bring that BDME,

that big d*ck Mountain energy

to the slopes.

Cut up those old cardboard

tax boxes,

grab some board

and sled with us, join the race.

All right,

we'll see you out here

in the Christmas Classic.

(CHEER TOGETHER)

(BOTH LAUGH)

Wooh!

Come on, girls, you've got this!

Nobody likes losers!

You know, it doesn't matter,

right?

Come on!

This event

is just about having fun.

It does matter, okay?

Winning is everything.

Well, no, actually having fun

is more important.

(CHUCKLES)

Which everyone is having

except for you.

I am having fun!

All right, come on, you got!

(CHEER TOGETHER)

(INDISTINCT SPEECH)

All right, come on, girls.

Round two, round two.

-Simon.

-Simon, Simon.

Simon says "d*ck Mountain

is the best", right?

-All right, Simon.

-SKIER 1: Yeah, we love d*ck!

(CHEER TOGETHER)

(YELLS)

(SCREAMS)

CROWD:

Oh!

Uh-oh.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Oh my God, that was awesome.

Hey, sweetie, what's your name?

-Darla.

-Darla.

Hey, I tell you--

tell you what, Darla.

Here we go.

Eight, five, five, three,

three, three.

Okay.

-Just call me.

-All right.

-Okay?

-Okay.

Good to meet you, sweetie.

(CHEER TOGETHER)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(BOTH SCREAM)

Go, girls, go!

You got this, you got this!

Focus, just focus.

Okay, just have fun,

it doesn't matter.

It matters, come on!

Doesn't matter. Just have fun!

Little faster. Little faster.

Wooh!

Little faster!

You're great!

(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)

You're great!

-Yes!

-Wooh!

(LAUGHS)

(SCREAMS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

-It matters.

-Doesn't matter.

-Shut up!

-Wooh!

Come on, now come on.

(LAUGHS)

Welcome back

to the afternoon session

of the Christmas Classic,

everybody,

the one sporting event

in the world

where this d*ck

and the games go hand in hand.

What a great crowd

we have out here today.

Now in just a few moments,

we'll be moving on

to one of

my three favorite events

besides a little cocktail.

The women's sprint

where Elizabeth Bird

is one win away from unseating

the nine-time champion,

and her sister, Lynn Flynn.

They've been competing

for their parents' love

their whole life,

but it's nothing

like this first event,

ladies and gentlemen.

And there they are,

our competitors at the start.

Living in the city

has made you soft, little sis.

I think you should just

quit now.

Huh. Never!

Come on,

you're forgetting one thing.

The altitude.

You can't compete with me.

I live here.

These are my stomping grounds.

Oh, yeah?

So working out inside

at that cush little country club

of yours

has prepared you

for all of this?

Oh, please, I have won this

race so many times,

I could do it in my sleep.

What has it been for you?

Ten years?

Come on, I can hear

the cellulite on your thighs

crying out in fear.

Ew!

Oh. No, you know what that is?

That's the sound of sheer muscle

of this young, vibrant maiden

about to beat your old ass.

So watch and learn, grandma.

d*ck ON SPEAKER:

This year,

ladies and gentlemen,

I wanna tell you somethin'.

We have a new wrinkle.

Randy, bring out the sleds.

Yep.

-What?

-Huh?

What sleds?

(GRUNTS)

What do you mean?

There you go.

What are the sleds for?

You'll find out.

d*ck ON SPEAKER:

For the first time in this

event's illustrious history,

our competitors will be pulling

their significant others.

Oh my God.

All right, Bynn. Come on.

d*ck ON SPEAKER:

Look at that

all American uniform.

Connor, get over here.

Absolutely not.

Oh!

ELIZABETH:

Are you--

-Uh, Randy.

-Yeah.

-ELIZABETH: Will you...

-Seriously?

Yeah.

Okay,

I'm not gonna be much help.

(CHEER TOGETHER)

()

d*ck ON SPEAKER:

And it's a good start!

Oh, and Rudolph Elizabeth Bird

tugging and pulling.

She's got a good full length

on her sister.

Lynn does not wanna

lose this event

because she will lose

the whole Christmas Classic.

The famous flopping around.

And let me tell you,

you gotta take a pill

for that

if you want them

to straighten out, huh.

This could be

the other Ride of the Century!

(CHEER TOGETHER)

d*ck ON SPEAKER:

Look at the look

on Lynn's face.

That is Santa.

She wants

to get down that chimney

and deliver the victory

for the crowd there.

They're all cheering at me.

Hi, folks.

Look at them crawling

on the floor

like women

at a Black Friday sale.

Who's gonna win?

It looks like it could be--

Oh, it's Lynn

reaching for the finish!

Nine-time defending champion

Lynn Flynn!

Yes. Yes.

No!

d*ck ON SPEAKER:

Clutching victory

from the jaws of defeat.

She wins this

and this pushes the games

into a tie

with her sister Elizabeth

going into

tomorrow's final event.

(FLIPS)

(ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS)

It's time to feel the music

Jesus Christ, not again.

How in the hell this place

not have a hotel?

Oh my God.

Lizzie.

Hey.

Hey.

Is everything okay?

Why'e you really doin' this?

Because it's fun,

and I wanna support Akeem

and his traditions.

(CHUCKLES)

Not that.

The Classic,

and coming here for Christmas,

and all that other stuff.

Because I love you guys

and I've missed you.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I just

don't wanna wait that long

before I see you again,

that's all, baby.

(SIGHS)

You ready for this?

-Yeah.

-Let's do it.

Okay.

(CHUCKLES)

Island Christmas, oh yeah

()

Island Christmas, oh yeah

d*ck:

Welcome back to the final day

of the Christmas Classic.

So it all comes down to this!

This one is called

"Flipping the Bird",

of course made famous

by Elizabeth Bird.

I was there. I felt it.

We're okay.

Each competitor

will be wearing wedding attire.

They'll ski down the hill

and attempt to knock down

as many of the birds as possible

with their bodies.

Now each bird

is worth one point.

Now whoever knocks down

the most, wins.

Let the flipping begin.

Hey, guys.

I noticed that you missed

the first two events.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I'm sorry, but we were busy.

(KISSING)

Very, very busy, Randy.

You understand.

Yeah, I-- I understand.

Well, you gotta compete

in the finals

if you wanna you know,

win the international division.

So...

Okay, I'll go strap on my skis.

I will also strap on.

(AUNT BETSY CHUCKLING)

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

Now here's a fun bit

of trivia here.

Betsy and I

used to work together

at the TV station,

and we had an inappropriate

work relationship,

and it turned into

a toxic marriage.

Oh.

Oh, baby, wish me luck.

I wish you plenty of luck.

AUNT BETSY:

Yeah.

AKEEM:

(INDISTINCT SPEECH)

AUNT BETSY:

(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)

...this year.

Kiss for luck.

(AUNT BETSY AND AKEEM KISSING)

-Baby, I love you.

-Yes, oh, I know.

Mm, one more.

(KISSING)

Kiss for luck.

Show them. Win it!

(CROWD CHEERING)

d*ck ON SPEAKER:

There she goes downhill,

kind of like our relationship.

Seems happy with Akeem

and seems like she's headed

towards a really good run here.

Let's check out her fall line.

(CHUCKLES, BLOWS A KISS)

d*ck ON SPEAKER:

Yep, it looks like she's coming

straight down the mountain

and here we go, boom!

Well done.

AUNT BETSY:

Oh, love you!

Oh, international division,

yeah!

(CHEERS, LAUGH)

Not the best showing here

of the game for Betsy Williams,

I mean, Baptiste.

Try mountain again,

but her score

will be enough for her to win

the international

women's division.

Here we go, folks.

The final and only competitor of

the men's international division

is now on the slope.

Okay. Oh, oh, oh.

(YELLS)

Uh, you know what?

Let's try something new.

Huh? Come on.

International,

we have to improvise!

d*ck ON SPEAKER:

Okay, this is something new.

I guess the rules

don't really state that.

You actually need to

ski down the slopes.

This could be a while.

Hey, great time

to cut to commercial.

It's okay.

Hey, folks, if you're lookin'

to get married,

I wanna introduce you

to one of my favorite places

here in Ruidoso,

It's Maria's la Casita

de Casamiento,

That's Maria's House of

Marriage and Mexican Food.

Whether you're looking

to eat a gordita or marry one,

come on down,

'cause we've got

great Mexican food

and great dresses

for the ladies.

Come on down to Maria's House

of Marriage and Mexican Food.

Delicioso.

d*ck ON SPEAKER:

And we're back to the action.

Hey!

(LAUGH TOGETHER)

That's a one!

d*ck ON SPEAKER:

So our new

international men's champion

Akeem's, full name, Baptiste!

Oh, baby, we won it!

International trophy!

international trophy!

Okay.

There's no international

trophy,

but congratulations.

I'll take that. Thanks.

-Aw!

-Aw!

(BOTH LAUGH)

(LAUGH TOGETHER)

d*ck ON TV:

We'll be back

with the women's final

after this commercial break.

I'm celebrity d*ck Mountain

and when you're lookin'

for some good hardwood...

CONNOR:

Dad, you were right

about this place.

It's right for a facelift.

Everything's goin' to plan.

They got a restaurant,

they got a bar.

Just one more event.

So come on down to

Bird's Bear Carving because...

Don't worry.

If Liz can't close the deal,

I know exactly what to do.

...hardwood. Right, Jimmy?

d*ck ON TV:

The final event

you've all been waiting for.

Lynn Flynn and Elizabeth Bird,

please,

head to the starting gate.

Hey, I gotta go.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hey, coach,

any last-minute words

of encouragement?

(SIGHS)

No, good luck out there.

What's wrong?

Nothin'.

That wasn't very convincing.

Look, I don't want things

to be awkward between us.

What do you want?

What do you mean?

I mean, what do you really want,

Elizabeth?

Randy, I'm engaged.

That doesn't really

answer my question.

Well,

what do you want me to say?

I-- I--

You're just gonna be

another thing that he owns.

You better get up there.

()

Hey.

I just wanna say

"good luck out there today."

Save it.

I don't need your little

"take the high road" speech.

What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking about.

Why do you think

you're better than me?

What?

You know, I could ask you

the same question.

You're the one who left

and never came back.

Okay, you think you're

better than this place,

better than all of us.

That is not true.

You haven't been home

in ten years!

You barely ever call.

You're a stranger to us.

And you're about to leave us

again.

Why would I try

to make this work?

(SIGHS)

Okay, come on, come on.

You got this, you got this.

(SIGHS)

Good luck.

(CROWD CHEERING)

LYNN:

All right.

(EXHALES)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(EXHALES)

()

d*ck ON SPEAKER:

And here she is, folks,

our very own Lynn Flynn,

taking off down the mountain,

seeking her tenth title

in a row!

God help us all,

that woman loves to brag,

but we do love

this Christmas Classic

and it's gonna be

a great finish

as she is heading

down the mountain.

The crowd in anticipation.

Her husband excited, of course.

And here she comes.

She's just a few feet away

and there is her one,

two, three, four, fi-- fi--

Wait a minute.

I think five,

but I'm not sure, I saw four.

One is teetering.

Could be, might be,

the judge says...

That's a five for Lynn Flynn.

d*ck ON SPEAKER:

It's a five for Lynn Flynn!

Great score!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Five, ugh!

()

()

Best surprise

I could ever hope for!

KYNN (VO):

We had hot chocolate.

WYNN (VO):

We got new clothes.

KYNN (VO):

We had a snowball fight.

SWYNN (VO):

We built a snowman!

Ah, I love you, come here.

Wow, this is so fun!

This is going to be

the best Christmas ever.

(CROWD CHEERING)

d*ck ON SPEAKER:

And this is it, folks.

Last competitor of the day,

Sister Elizabeth.

Can she unseat her sister?

The crowd seems to want her to,

and Papa Jimmy certainly does.

Look at him going crazy.

Here she comes, Elizabeth Bird.

(CHEER TOGETHER)

d*ck ON SPEAKER:

You can feel the tension,

folks.

She needs to get more

than four.

Here she comes!

What do you really want,

Elizabeth?

d*ck ON SPEAKER:

And, you-- whoa!

Uh-oh.

That is a five-- four!

That's a four!

(CHEER TOGETHER)

For Elizabeth Bird.

LYNN:

Yes!

-RANDY: Which means...

-Yes! Yes! Oh, yes!

The winner of the 20th Annual

Christmas Classic

is Lynn Flynn.

-Yeah!

-Again.

-LYNN: Thank you!

-RANDY: Yeah.

LYNN:

Thank you! That's ten!

Tenth Ski Alto! I did it!

All right, that wraps up

another exciting year

of the Christmas Classic!

Boy, what a competition it was.

The sisters really went at it.

We had a great ending.

Hey, from your favorite d*ck,

I'm signing off from Ski Alto,

and we'll see you all down

at Win, Place and Show tonight.

Good night. See you at the bar.

LYNN:

Yes!

Come on, guys.

Ten-peat! Ten-peat! Ten-peat!

Come on! Yes!

(LYNN CHUCKLING)

LYNN:

So cool!

This is a big deal for me.

I want you to be happy, Okay?

Ten-peat.

Yeah,

look at that pretty trophy.

All right, I wanna get a photo.

Come on.

Come on, let's get a photo.

This is so pretty,

and it's all mine!

Ooh, oh!

Shut up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up!

I cannot take you talking to me

like that anymore,

or the girls, or your parents.

You do it to everyone.

You're a bully.

What?

Oh my God, your need for control

has turned you into this giant

fire-breathing dragon bitch,

and now nobody wants to be

anywhere near you.

Your pathological bedazzling

is a teenage Band-Aid

on your fear of not being

the prom queen anymore.

Your daughters

don't like wearing that crap.

Why do you think

they're so obsessed

with goth and horror?

Because their mother

is constantly up their ass

about having the perfect smile

and the perfect hair.

Everything has

to be perfect with you!

And what is this obsession

with winning everything

every year?

Oh my God, you wouldn't even

let me enter the games,

or let our daughters join

in the junior division

because you're afraid someone's

gonna steal your spotlight.

Come on. Grow up.

Give someone else a chance.

One last thing.

I don't wanna

celebrate our anniversary

on Christmas anymore.

Why?

The only reason

you were so adamant

that we do that

was because you

have this savior complex

that I don't think

you even know about.

You're even competitive

with Jesus.

You can't even

let the Son of God

have his own day!

Let's go, girls.

Bynn.

Hey, thanks

for freezin' your genitals off

out there, you guys.

It's still little people

that makes this all possible,

all right?

-SKIER 2: To d*ck.

-Hey, to d*ck, indeed.

May you all get some

this season.

(CHEERS)

(LAUGHS)

Oh, man.

You know what this means now,

right?

Now I've gotta call my dad

and ask for more money.

He's gonna know you failed,

and he's probably gonna

get you fired.

Do you understand

how that's gonna reflect on me?

(SIGHS)

I can't believe you put me

in this position.

ELIZABETH:

You know what, Connor?

Let me make it a bit simpler

for you,

and maybe your daddy

will go easy on you.

I quit.

You what? You can't quit.

If you quit, we can't--

We can't what?

Can't get married?

Well, guess what?

I don't wanna do that either!

I don't wanna be married

to some coward

who can't even stand up

to his own father,

or put his fiance

before his own career!

It's over.

Okay, that's how it's gonna be?

You all thought

your sweet little Lizzie

came home

to see you guys for Christmas.

Well, guess what?

She wasn't even gonna stop

to say "hello".

This whole thing

was a big accident.

She came here to buy Ski Alto

for my dad

to turn this whole place

into a mega resort.

She hates you.

She hates this whole place.

Oh, Lizzie,

that isn't true, is it?

Mom, listen--

(CHUCKLES)

She bought a round-trip ticket

for the same day.

All she does

is complain about you guys.

And if that dumbass Randy

would have said "yes",

you guys would have

never seen her in town.

I'm done with this.

I hope you have a nice,

pathetic life.

Did you know anything

about this?

What?

No, I didn't know about this.

Oh.

You were going to help them

turn this into a private resort?

No, no, no.

It's more complicated than that.

So none of us

can ever ski here again?

Elizabeth,

you are better than this!

Look, I am--

I am so, so sorry, okay?

What Connor said was true.

I came out here to get Randy

to sell this place to my boss

and we were gonna turn it

into a private five-star resort.

After being here this past week

you know,

and watching my mom bake cookies

and put her family first,

and my sweet dad

who's so gentle

and non-judgmental

with his advice,

and Akeem learning about your

tradition and watching Betsy,

and how in love she is with you,

and my sister

who cares so much,

maybe too much, but so much.

You know, I-- I ran away

from this place

to find some sort of better

life and--

And-- and--

and make a better me.

But after being here

with all of you guys, I just--

(SIGHS)

I've never been more myself ever

than right now.

And I realize that I've never

been in love until now.

I'll put my life in a bottle

Something to guide your way

Even if you're too scared

to follow

I actually believe

you did the right thing.

What do you mean?

Everybody hates me.

Don't nobody hate you.

If you'd won,

then they had a reason

to hate you,

but deep down inside,

I think you knew that.

That's why you pulled up

on that last event

and lost on purpose.

How did you know?

I'm your daddy.

Why don't you just stick around?

Oh, daddy, I-- I don't know.

I mean, besides family,

there's just

nothing here for me.

There's Randy.

Oh, I wish that were true.

I think I blew it with him, too.

I don't think so.

I think Randy's fine.

He just needs a little time.

Well, I don't have that luxury.

You know, I gotta get back

to my life in San Francisco.

Your life with Connor.

Your future at Harris Financial.

(SIGHS)

Come on, baby.

Let's just get go home.

(INDISTINCT LYRICS)

(GRUNTS)

(CHUCKLES)

Oh! Okay.

()

RANDY:

Crashing through the snow

On a janky-ass

cardboard sleigh

I know

you could have won that race

I think you wanna stay

(CHUCKLES)

I used to think

you were a bitch

But now I see the light

Your fianc is a prick

Will you please be mine

tonight

Your fianc sucks,

your fianc sucks

Your fianc really sucks

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh my God.

I thought you'd rather be

caught naked in a blizzard

snowboarding

before you sang

in front of anyone.

Yeah, well, you inspire me

to do a lot of things

I've never done before, so...

I hope that's a good thing.

Very, very good.

(KISSING)

Oh!

(LAUGHS)

Sorry about that. Oh!

Hey.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, yeah.

Island Christmas, yeah

Island Christmas, oh yeah

Island Christmas, yeah

Island Christmas, oh yeah

Merry Christmas.

Best Christmas ever.

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

-Hmm.

-Come on.

Okay.

Island Christmas, yeah

Island Christmas, oh yeah

Island Christmas, yeah

Island Christmas, oh yeah

()

RANDY:

So, d*ck and Aunt Betsy,

you guys just got married.

How do you feel?

Wonderful.

-I can't get enough.

-Yeah.

Baby, I just can't get--

(KISSING)

Oh, this woman.

RANDY:

Jimmy, Helen,

how y'all you doing?

Oh, right, okay.

Oh, we're so happy

for our daughter.

She's so beautiful.

She's gonna be

a beautiful bride.

RANDY:

Oh, here they come.

Here they come.

Oh. Oh, yes.

(LAUGHS)

Look at 'em.

Uh, well, maybe you're right,

okay?

(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)

(OVERLAPPING SPEECH)

All right.

Okay, that's it, there you go.

(CHEERS)

RANDY:

All right,

wedding of the century.

How do you guys feel?

Best day of my life.

I can't wait to marry this guy.

JIMMY:

Hey, baby.

Why don't you come over

and get a picture with us

for the last time as a Bird?

Okay, daddy. Ah!

(BOTH LAUGH)

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

RANDY:

All right. How does that feel?

I'm the happiest man alive.

She's magic.

ELIZABETH:

I love you, sis! Yeah.

-Nothing better.

-RANDY: All right.

She lights up my whole universe.

ELIZABETH:

My sister's getting married!

RANDY:

You ready to run?

Absolutely not.

She's everything to me.

ELIZABETH:

Watch out!

(ELIZABETH SCREAMING)

(YELL, GROAN TOGETHER)

(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION)

What was that? Oh!

(OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION)

I might need another drink!

Uh-oh. You guys okay?

()

()

()

()

()

()

Feels like I just

shed my skin

And let the cold air

do me in

Oh, sunshine

Sunshine

Feels like I just get sad

Around the same time

every year

Oh, my mind

My mind

Sunshine,

come save me again

Oh, please

Sunshine just for me

Never let it come to be

Sunlight take me

Never let me be alone

Never let me be alone

Sunlight, baby

I've been feelin'

so at home

I've been feelin'

so at home

Seems it's getting warmer

And my mind

is getting clear

Oh, my mind

My mind

Sunshine has come

To save me again

Sunshine just for me

Thanks for bein' my friend

Sunlight, baby

I've been feelin'

so at home

I've been feelin'

so at home

Sunlight take me

Never let me be alone

Never let me be alone

When it rains

Or it pours

Makes me blue

Like the dress you wore

Ain't it strange

That when it's warm

You fade away

And I get born

Island Christmas, yeah

Island Christmas, oh yeah

Yeah! The swing, the swing.

Island Christmas, yeah

Island Christmas, oh yeah

Hey, why you callin' me

on Christmas?

(CHUCKLES)

Well, what do you mean

we're not divorced?

Why didn't you sign the papers?

No!

No, no, I'm not giving you

half of the resort

in the settlement.

No, absolutely--

Okay, you know what?

Here's my offer.

You beat me

in the Summer Classic

and half the resort is yours.