01x04 - They Used to Oink at Me

[bunniefuu]

The public has always
loved your brother, ma'am. Pfft.

On a scale of one to ten,
how sanctimonious does he look?

A solid .

Oh, do shove it up your arse, Fred.
Why are you here?

You need to get married.

Who would like to see the
heir to the British throne

show Binky a "wittle wuv"?

I had a koala bear
sitting on my face!

Well, I hope you bought him
a drink first.

Door, idiot!

Security cameras have her
slipping out the back entrance.

This is lowkey exciting.

What if she's hurt?
What if she's kidnapped?

What if she's hungry? Ah!

How can this be happening?!

THEY LAUGH

Hands up if you've just been
arrested for buying cocaine

from an undercover police officer.

Somebody should probably let
Teddy know he's pulled.

REPORTER: It's been six months
since the royal engagement,

and with the wedding approaching,
the notoriously camera shy couple

are baring all in their
first official interview.

I'm sure the public at large
don't realise the dedication

and, frankly, the sacrifice that
the life of a sovereign entails.

It's not all palaces
and trips abroad.

I mean, a lot of it is.

Er, I really have to address
this, though.

If rumours are to be believed,

your family forced you
into this marriage.

If rumours are to be believed,
Elvis is alive

and running his own church
in Pensacola.

That's the honeymoon sorted.

THEY LAUGH

Look, I know it's no secret
my family wanted me to settle down.

It's also no secret I don't
like being told what to do.

Teddy is my choice. As you are mine.

We chose each other.

When we first met, we just clicked.

I don't think either of us expected
anything to come of it, though.

Here we are, six months
down the line, head over heels.

It has blossomed into
something very special.

Love hit me right between the eyes.

And, you know, it's no surprise,
really, is it?

He's handsome and...

kind and intelligent.

Oh, and he can name every
marsupial under the sun.

Comes in more handy
than you'd think.

Not at all.

Er, well, look, the question
on everyone's lips, of course,

can we expect a little prince
or princess in the future?

Oh, let's not get ahead of
ourselves. I barely know him.

But, seriously, are there
any plans for children?

Look, we know we'd be coming to
the parenting party a little late,

but it would be a wonderful gift.

Who knows what Mother Nature,

or indeed a good fertility clinic
has in store for me, but...

Well, who wouldn't want
to continue those genes?

I'm sure my ancestral line could
do with an injection of new blood.

And he's one-eighth Danish.

Hurdy-gurdy, gurdy-hurdy.

That's Swedish. Same thing.

Well, thank you both
for your time today.

We look forward to the next chapter

of your fairy tale
whirlwind love story.

Thank you.

MUSIC: Baby I Dig You
by Gene Anderson

Thank you, that was fantastic.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

♪ You used to call me your lover

♪ Oh, you made me that way

♪ I had lots of fancy clothes

♪ Oh, and everything was OK... ♪

SHE SCREAMS

What did you make of the interview
last night on television?

Did you watch it with
Georgie and her groom-to-be?

Perfect, they will be
the best couple ever.

Power couple?
Yeah, I like both of them.

Yeah, yeah. That works for me.

If they do manage to have a baby
then good for them.

I've been quite judgmental
about her.

Hang on, so, what, you're flipping
around now? Not flipping around.

But, erm, maybe Teddy's
good for her.

Maybe this might end up being OK.

Maybe I'm jealous as hell.

What a gorgeous Australian boy.

I mean, he's a total
hunk-a-spunk, right?

She could literally get anyone.

Like, I feel like I'd support
her no matter what she did.

So... Yeah. Oh, OK. Yeah. Yep.

Beautiful icon girl boss.

HE GIGGLES

The interview played really well.
Overnight ratings were huge.

It was the perfect mix
of I like you all,

but I also rule you all.

Nailed it - seriously. Nope.

Yeah, you were a bit flirty
and a bit not flirty.

Flirty, not flirty.

I wasn't flirting with the woman.
I could barely concentrate.

She kept crossing and uncrossing
her legs. Why do they do that?

Calves.

And you lit up the internet.

"Queen Georgie wants
her little prince."

"Queen reveals desire for an heir."

And then Steel News led
with "Monarch HEIRlines". Nice.

Your Majesty,
Sylvia Anderson has arrived.

Who? Your future mother-in-law.

Oh, meeting the parents.

Parent. His father's dead.
Oh, God. What's she like?

Oh, I think you're going
to love her.

I've never met
anyone's parents before.

Thank goodness there's only the one.

Teddy suggested she come
to stay for a bit and bond.

I said absolutely not,
but he thought I was joking.

Ooh, it's all getting a bit real,
isn't it?

BERNARD: PM's have to see you.
Again? She was here last week.

Yes, and one day you'll
remember she comes every week.

Congratulations on the interview.

Shall I get the royal coat of arms
embroidered on some onesies?

Don't you start.

Oh, I think you'd
have a delightful baby.

They do say ginger
skips a generation.

I'm assuming you won't
be joining me. No, thank you.

It's : .

How did anyone ever vote for you?

Congratulations, ma'am.

Your interview was a big success.

You are riding high.

Yes, it appears my comments have
sparked a lively national debate

about geriatric pregnancy,

which is something I've always
wanted my name tagged to.

It's sexist terminology.

Geriatric refers to any woman
over the age of .

Ah. Oh, that's all right, then.

I thought it was just a dig at me.

I'm sure there are many career women

who feel like they've
left it too late

who will see you as a role model.
Another dream realised.

I had my eggs frozen
when I became an MP. Ugh.

Don't. Please.

As you may or may not know...
My money's on not.

My government promised to deliver
state-of-the-art birthing facilities

to all of our hospitals. Sorry?

With this unexpected spike
in your popularity

and the focus now being on
your reproductive future,

how would you feel about us
naming the new maternity unit

at Sydney Hospital after you?

No, thanks. You'll get a plaque.

A what? A plaque.

I don't want a plaque.

Everyone wants a plaque.

And here's me saying no to a plaque.

There's a cocktail reception
afterwards. Sure.

DOG BARKS

What's that?

This is Clint.

CLINT BARKS

I beg your pardon.

This is Clint,
Teddy's mother's therapy dog.

CLINT BARKS

Who's having the therapy?
It's unclear.

Mum's here. Yes, I had
the pleasure of meeting her dog.

I don't remember what he's called,
but I know it starts with a C

and ends with "nt".

Clint. He's been her rock
ever since Dad d*ed.

Hmm. Well, he certainly
shakes a lot for a rock.

Oh, he's really helped her.

She used to be really highly strung.

Mum. Ah!

CLINT BARKS

Oh, my. Teddy,
you crept up on me then.

CLINT BARKS

Sh, Clint.

So sorry about the crockery.

Will someone come and clear it up,
or should I clear it up myself?

Oh, you probably have servants
for that, or do you say servants?

CLINT BARKS

Oh... Sh. Clint.

Oh, what a day.

It's fine, Mum.

Don't worry,
it wasn't the good stuff.

Mum, this is Georgie.
Georgie, this is Mum.

It's wonderful to meet you, Sylvia.

Likewise, Your Majesty,
or should I call you daughter?

I'm going to say no, seeing
as we're not in a Greek tragedy.

SYLVIA LAUGHS

Ma'am. Ah!

CLINT BARKS

Christ on a bike. Relax, Mum.
Is it always like this around here?

People are often walking
through doors, yes.

I was wondering about dinner.
Any dietary requirements?

Sylvia? Oh, I'm easy.
Whatever's on the menu.

I mean, I eat practically
everything.

Excellent. Except meat.

I'll have the chef prepare
a salmon. Uh-uh, and fish.

Do you eat vegetables? Of course,
that would be crazy. Wouldn't it?

Except carrots.

Thank you, Weiwei.

Er, what was his name?

Weiwei.

Weiwei...? Leave it, Mum.

Well, isn't this something?
I can't believe I'm here.

CLINT BARKS

Oh, little mister,
he's due for his eye medication,

so we'll skedaddle.

I'll see you at dinner.

But no dessert for you,
Miss Bride-to-be.

Ma'am. Ah! What is
wrong with you people?

Oh... Clint, come.

CLINT BARKS

So that's Mum.

Yeah. I thought you said
she was highly strung.

MUSIC: The Arrival Of
The Queen Of Sheba by Handel

We're here. Wish we weren't.

This visit is super important.

We need to capitalise
off the interview.

Up until now, your approval rating
with women has been... Abysmal.

Women - always moaning
about something.

Literally pretending
like you didn't say that.

It's true. It is not true.
Certainly not here.

The women in this building
roar like lions.

Oh, we won't have to hear that,
will we?

There is nothing greater
than the gift of life.

Yes, there is.
It's called real estate.

My fiance and I are planning
to have a baby.

Oh, that's sweet.

So someone in the family
will have smaller hands than you.

So you're going to tour the wards,
make chitchat with the staff,

and then finish with
the unveiling of the plaque.

Do you have any questions at
all about the briefing notes?

Yes. Yes, actually.

Of course I don't.

It's just babies, blah, blah, blah.

This facility also has
cutting edge technology,

like encapsulating placenta into
nutritious pills. Nauseating.

MARC: Perhaps just say the opposite
of whatever you're thinking.

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

"Perhaps just say the opposite
of whatever you're thinking."

That's how big your
baby's hands will be.

There is nothing greater
than the gift of life.

I mean, the things women have
to go through to give birth

are really quite something,
aren't they?

All the, you know,
and the pain and injection...

I mean, it's just
got to hurt, hasn't it?

That... Anyway, you know...

Really...

Extraordinary how quickly
the car can veer off the road.

But, you know, please, please,
don't let me stop you.

I know you've got many things to do.

Mainly, I suppose lots of you've
got to go and poke into some...

clackers to sort of pull...

pull new life into the world.

"Come on, Mum."

Do all that. And then...

"Ooh, sorry, Mum.
We've ripped your vag*na."

I mean, it's... Really the indignity
of it, it's astonishing, isn't it?

I have heard that some people
poo a little when they give birth.

It really is extraordinary.

You are doing God's work.

I honestly don't know
who it's worse for.

You, the mother laying in it,

the baby entering the world

with a little bit of
mummy's poo on their head.

"Hello, I've just been born.
What's this? Oh, it's shite."

Anyway...

Should its head be that shape?

It's quite coney, isn't it?

I mean, I'm sure
they've checked everything.

And there's always hats.

Shall we move on to the
birthing suite? Righty-oh.

Well, well done, you.

And, er, good luck with...

with that.

I mean, did you see it?

Looked like the end of a Cornetto.

Hopefully it'll grow up
to be a wizard.

We've got a beanbag over there,

we've got exercise balls here,

the TV over here for all
your entertainment needs

and with our surround sound system,

we can play whatever music
you want during your labour.

Dolly Parton on a loop, surely.

Hello. Sorry to interrupt.

We were just going to have
a little peek.

How are you? Hi.

Get a sh*t of her and the preggos.

Hi. Hello. I'm the Queen.

Ooh, that sounded a little
more formal than I intended.

Please, please, don't curtsy.

Don't curtsy. You are all exempt.

Jessica Bramer.

It's Thompson now, but I, erm...

It's so great to see you again,
Your Majesty.

How do you even remember me?

HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS FROM SPEAKERS

I don't think this is Dolly.

Fat, ginger,
curly-haired little piggy.

Come on, don't be
so hard on yourself.

That's what she used to call me.

Jessica.

She was one of the girls
at school who used to bully me.

They used to throw sweets
and oink at me.

"You'll never be queen,
you're too fat to be queen."

"Fatty-fatty queen-queen.
Oink, oink, oink."

Actually, I think that one was
started by one of the teachers.

Childhood trauma
has been reawakened, ma'am.

Oh, please.

It's not Jurassic Park.

No, there were no pigs there.

I was bullied too.

They used to pick on me
for being clever and pretty.

Oh, shut the f*ck up, Zoe.

What did they used to say to you?

"You're as pretty as a picture
and as smart as a fox."

"Please will you be our friend?"

They used to oink at me.

SHE OINKS

WEIWEI: Children can be very cruel,

especially if you stand
out from the crowd.

The pointing and the laughing,

hurtful jokes about
race and culture.

That kind of stuff will scar a kid.

One of these days I really
should apologise to Ranjit.

Not where I thought that was going.

MATTHEW: Well, if we're doing this,
I was bullied too.

Obviously. WEIWEI: Of course
you were. Yes, you were.

OK, what you're all doing
there is bullying.

Well, that's cos you're a loser. Oh.

Me too, I was bullied as well.

I didn't know that. Cos I've
never really spoken about it.

It's not the sort of thing that you
want to dredge up after all these...

OK, I wasn't really.

I just felt a bit left out.

Did you know there are
three Hemsworth brothers?

I can't tell the difference
between Chris and Liam

and now apparently
there's a Luke in the mix.

Did you know there were three
Olsen sisters? I did not.

Mary-Kate, Ashley and Elizabeth.

Mm, that's four.
No, Mary-Kate's one person.

I've never heard of any of them.

The woman got you pretty
triggered back there.

Triggered?

What, like one of those people
who do a nutty every time

they see a clown? Ridiculous.
This business.

You're doing the
fidgety finger thing.

You do that when you're upset.

Imagine what I do
when I see a clown.

I was bullied too.

Who by, John Wick?

No, I could take him easy.

You should talk to her. You have a
right to let her know what she did.

You've held on to it
for long enough.

I couldn't bear to be in
the same room as her again.

You'll feel better, trust me. I did.

Or...

I could find out
she's led a dismal life,

is living on the bones of her arse
and revel in it.

I've always said benevolence
is your greatest quality.

She used to oink at me.

We're having dinner with who?

One of Georgie's old school friends.

But they know you can't
eat sesame seeds. They know.

Oh, Teddy, my head's still
spinning with all this.

I mean, isn't it just mad?

It is, but at the same time,
it isn't.

I think we just click, Mum.

And as mad as this all is,

I just think that she's my one.

KNOCK ON DOOR

WEIWEI: Hello, Mrs Anderson.

Hello.

Polite notice - I'm about
to come through the door.

- PHONE VIBRATES - OK.

Coming through the door now.
Right, you are.

- Ah!
- CLINT BARKS

Oh, Jesus. You didn't say you'd
be carrying anything.

Apologies. That was remiss of me.

Sh, Clint.

That was Little Shop Of Horrors
for a bit there.

And your dog is on
our $ , couch.

Do you mind if I ask you
a question, hmm?

In Downton Abbey,
which one would you be?

Whichever member of
the household was from Asia.

No, I don't think there were any.

No wonder I never watched it.

CLINT BARKS

GEORGIE AND JESSICA LAUGH

And then it was about that time
that I realised

modelling isn't all
it's cracked up to be.

So I got off the catwalk,
started law school from scratch,

and now I'm pleased to say that
I'm senior prosecutor for the state.

And with this new surprise
starts another chapter.

It's wonderful to hear how well
things are working out for you

since we last met.
Oh, God, it's been a minute.

Do you remember those days? I do.

Oh. Fun times. Oh, the best.

I wouldn't say that.

I hated school.

I was an awkward, insecure child,
miles away from home.

I did like swimming, though.

I wasn't particularly sporty.

But these grew early, giving me
an unrivalled buoyancy in the water,

so... Well, you've got
to love physics.

But you put a stop to all that.

I'm sorry?

You should be.

Koala ears.

What are you talking about?

Koala ears, that's what
she used to call me.

That's a cute nickname.

Oh, I know!

How about Princess Pubes?

Well, that's not so nice.

I was years old,

standing on top of the diving board,

and you pointed at my newly sprouted
noony poking out of my swimsuit

and in front of everyone shouted,

"Koala ears!" That would scar a kid.

Yes, it did.

I've had a hot wax
every week for over years,

whether I've needed one or not.

Jesus. You must have thighs
like chicken skin.

I don't remember any of this.

Do you remember saying, if
Ronald McDonald ever gets cancer,

I could make him a wig
out of my big red muff?

Georgie. Not quite the dinner
conversation I'd hoped for.

I don't remember saying that,
but if I did,

I am so sorry for the pain
that it's caused you.

Not good enough.

You po-faced overachieving
bucket of jizz.

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

"Now I'm proud to say I'm senior
prosecutor for the state."

This is outrageous.
Have you lost your mind?

f*ck off. Oh! What's happening?

OK, no, you f*ck off,
princess piss pot.

Oh, it's all coming back now.

You're just jealous of me.

You were then and you are now.

Oh, please!

I'm the f*cking Queen.

Yeah, but inside you're still
a four-eyed ginger fatty

with an escaping minge.

OK, everyone should
just calm down.

Mum, Mum. Where's Clint?

- I need Clint.
- CLINT BARKS

All this monarchy nonsense.

Look at you. It's just cosplay.

You, the Queen.

Ha! Don't make me laugh.

You're a nobody. Get out.

My pleasure.

Oh! Oh, my God.

Oh, move along the bus, please.

I think it's coming.
Yes, and you're leaving.

Call an ambulance.
My Clint, my Clint!

Oh, my God, can I smell urine?
No, it's the dog.

Yeah, and Jessica.
Why are they urinating?

JESSICA: I'm not urinating.
Well, someone's urinating.

Stop saying urinating!
Oh, I think something's coming out.

Oh-oh! The baby's coming!

Er, could we try and keep it
all off the furniture, please?

It's crowing!

CLINT BARKS, JESSICA GROANS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Go away.

KNOCK ON DOOR

No.

DOOR OPENS

You may be a Republican, Zoe,

but you cannot just burst
into the Queen's boudoir

in the middle of Aussie Lobstermen.

There's a problem.

No sh*t - Squizzy's boat's
about to sink. A bigger problem.

What?

Po-faced overachieving
bucket of jizz.

You are really going
to have to start addressing me

with more respect. My contact
at Steel News says that your friend

is considering leaking the details
of the other night's dinner.

That's not very friendly.

Look, we just turned
a corner on bad PR.

Yeah. Good job, buddy.

So this can't get out.

You need to fix this.

And as soon as I find out what's
happening with Squizzy's boat,

I will get right on it.

Fine, I'll see her tomorrow.

Now, get out the way.
The man's about to drown.

This is all your fault.

"Talk to her. You'll feel better.
Trust me." That's what you said.

Yeah, talk to her,
not verbally induce labour.

Well, excuse me
if I'm not as emotionally mature

as you clearly were.

Well, to be fair, I wasn't either.

We were only able to move past that
after I headbutted him.

Well, you buried the lead
on THAT one.

Don't touch my baby.
Don't let her take my baby!

Right, calm down, I'm not a dingo.

BABY GURGLES

Oh, isn't it...

so...

It's just really, you know...

You look well.

Not well -

more broken and haunted.

If you've come here
to finish me off, Georgie,

don't bother. Nine hours
of labour b*at you to it.

I know you're going to the press

and, er, I was going to
come and try and stop you

with an insincere apology. But...

This all got real
very quickly, didn't it?

My goodness, I'm so sorry.

My behaviour was
appalling, indefensible.

So...

I'm not even going to try.

The problem is clearly
with me and not you.

I guess I'm still that fat
little kid who got dumped

in Australia and hates her life.

You can't smoke here, Georgie.

Oh.

Oh, of course.

No ashtrays.

I think holding on to an old grudge

is just another way of me
avoiding my real issues.

Like what?
Choosing which crown to wear?

I'm saying this out loud
for the first time, but...

I'm about to marry a man
I don't love.

Wow. Yeah.

I mean, Teddy's great.
I don't know what's wrong with me,

but I just... I can't get there.

And maybe that will change in time.

But for now...

things are not what they seem.

Throw into the mix the headache
of choosing which crown to wear,

and you can see why I'm such a mess.

God, things are never
what they seem.

You don't think school
was hard for me too?

My parents were always fighting -
horrible fights.

Eventually, my dad just took off.

I fell apart.

I got kicked out of uni for dr*gs,

my addiction got worse,

and I'm saying this out
loud for the first time,

but I slept with men for money.

Wow.

Yeah.

It was horrible,
degrading, embarrassing.

Throw into the mix

a newborn baby and hormones
and stitches,

and you can see why I'M such a mess.

Well, I...

guess we've both had our issues.

I'd say so.

Although mine wasn't so much

the blowjobs for cash kind of thing.

Too soon. Mm.

BABY CRIES

Quite annoying, isn't it?

I'm not going to the press, Georgie.

Thank you.

Oh, God.

Does this mean we're friends now?

I'd say we both deserve
a happy ending.

Doesn't that cost extra?

OK, koala ears, get out.

Going. Yeah.

Least its head's not too coney.

How did it go? You know what?

I feel good. No regrets.

Oh, God, please don't...

No, Marc, I didn't headbutt her.

Queen Georgiana back
at Sydney Hospital today to finally

unveil that plaque.

We'll take you back to Sydney
Hospital very soon for take two

at the opening
of the new maternity ward.

Is she going to turn up today,
do you think?

Is she going to bolt again?

And it is our great honour
to declare

the Queen Georgiana Maternity Wing
officially open.

CAMERAS CLICK

Oh!

Well, I have to thank you, Rebecca.

I do appreciate the gesture.

And, you know, you're right,

it IS nice to have a plaque.

Ah, YOU'RE in a positive mood.

It's just a good day.

Looks amazing, ma'am.

- PHONE BUZZES
- Completely inspiring.

Thank you, Matthew.

Oh, my God!

"Senior state prosecutor
Jessica Thompson fights for marriage

"and career after prostitution
revelations are leaked"?!

Isn't that your friend?

Is it?

♪ And when they fight, they fight

♪ And when they come home
at night they say

♪ "I love you, baby"

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh

♪ Then, when it all
comes crashing down... ♪