01x10 - The Tale of Jake and the Leprechaun

[bunniefuu]

I guess everybody knows

that Frank was supposed
to tell tonight's story,

but we have an unusual situation,

and he's agreed
to pass the bag to Eric.

Eric.

My grandfather d*ed this week.

He was from Ireland,

and he used to tell these
neat stories from Ardagh.

He'd act out
all the different parts,

and he used a new voice
for each character.

Um, before he d*ed...

he gave me his hat.

He said, "Eric, my lad,
guard it well.

It's blessed with
the power of the pixies."

What's a pixie?

Well, they're what Pop-pop
used to call fairies.

He said, "Lad, if they always
acted fair, I'd call them fairies."

Pop-pop was our kind of guy.

He'd only tell stories
about the evil ones.

And he had this great one
about Kelpie,

a kind of water horse that
invited little kids to hop on its back

so he could swim out
into the ocean and eat them.

But I think that Pop-pop's favorite
pixies were the leprechauns.

That's where he said
he got his hat.

What is a leprechaun?

They're kind of like little old men,
and they make shoes,

and they dress all in green,

and they wear strange
little hats like this one.

How did your grandfather
get the hat?

Well, he said he got it in a trade.

If a person offers
a pixie a trade,

they can't refuse,
no matter how bad a deal it is.

All you have to do is say,
"Mine be yours, and yours be mine."

Anyway, this was one of
Pop-pop's favorite stories,

so I'm going to try to tell it
the way he did.

Submitted for the approval
of the Midnight Society,

I call this story...

- [growls]
- [boy screams]

Stop that screaming, lad.
or I'll eat out your liver.

[screaming]

Now, why would
a vile creature like you

pick on a poor boy like this?

Shamus Doyle,
you stay out of this.

I've come to take what's mine.

Ha ha ha!

Stand aside, boy.
The battle's just begun.

Sorry.

Somebody help me with this wig.

Props.

Well, let's break
for the night, everyone.

[man]
Good work!

[Eric] Jake Dreiser wanted to be
an actor more than anything else.

His big break came when he
landed the lead in will o' the wisp--

a magical play about
leprechauns and goblins.

It was Jake's first play,

and, unfortunately,
it was going to be his last.

Lucy! Lucy!

I need my tea!

I need me tea! Ah!

Just the thing.
Just the thing.

- Hey, Lucy.
- Mm-hmm.

What's that stuff Erin's
always drinking?

Herbal tea.
His own recipe.

He says it helps him be creative.

It must work.
He's brilliant.

You think that stuff
would help me?

- I'm not doing so hot.
- I think you're doing just fine, Jakie.

Here's the recipe,
but I doubt you'll find the ingredients.

Erin has his own stash,
and I don't think he'll share.

Jake!

- Oh, Jake!
- Thanks, Lucy.

Good luck.

Jake, me lad.

I feel inspired.

- Let's practice the jig.
- Sure.

Look at this place...
over years old...

nearly as old as I am.

Shut your eyes.

Feel the magic of the stage,
the power of the theater.

Let it transport you
into another realm

and make you into a magician.

[man humming]

Take a good long drink, sugar,

so you stay pretty and fresh.

Hello? Anybody here?

[clank]

Whoa.

You're looking at me like I was
a sight, but heed me words--

you're the one
who has the glamour.

I'm sorry.
It's just that...

What do you mean
I "have the glamour"?

Nothing at all.
Just a feeling.

Sean O'Shaney's the name.
Remember it.

You might be needing me.

What is it I can do for you?

Uh... oh, yeah. Yeah.

I'm looking for some special
herbs to make tea.

- Do you carry these?
- You've come to the right place.

Me herb garden is one of the...

Bluebells, foxgloves,
and ragweed!

- How dare you bring this here!
- It's just--

You'll not be getting
such herbs here.

A pox upon you for asking!

- It's just for tea.
- I know what it's for!

Off with you! Off!

[evil laughter]

[man] Take his soul and grind it
whole and eat it with a fish.

The boy be mine for all of time--
This is what I wish.

[evil laughter]

Please!
Make me a leprechaun!

The goblin can come back
any minute.

- Are you sure?
- Yes! Hurry!

- You'll never be a boy again.
- I don't care!

[music playing]

Then dance with me...

and speak as I speak.

The fairy ring does dance
and sing,

the mortal gloom a dying thing.

The fairy ring does dance and sing,
the mortal gloom a dying thing.

Now turn me into spirit bright
and leave behind the human plight.

[deep voice]
Turn me now into a spirit bright

and leave behind the human plight.

What?
What's happening?

Keep going on!

Don't stop now.
You're onto something.

No! Stop. Stop it!

All right. All right.
That's enough.

That's all, everybody.
Good day. Good day.

Jake. Jake.

Me lad, you've got
to let yourself go.

What's happening to you
now is the stuff of genius.

- Trust me.
- [normal voice] But my voice changed.

I changed.
It was scary.

- It was wonderful.
- I don't like it.

Jake, you've got to understand.

When you're making magic up here,
it's like you've got the glamour.

- The glamour?
- You have the gift, boy.

Use it.

Mr. O'Shaney. It's me.

Go away.
You're not welcome here.

Please!
I need to know about those herbs.

Aye, I'm sure you do,
but I can see through you like crystal.

- Leave me be!
- Ow! Please!

Listen to me.

You're taking me for a fool,

and Sean O'Shaney is
anything but a fool.

Good day!

But something weird
is happening to me.

You saw it.
It's like... I'm changing.

What is this place?

I've let you in to say your piece,
so get on with it!

OK. I'm in this play.

It's about a leprechaun
who saved me from a goblin

by turning me into a leprechaun, too.

Go on.

But it's like the more we rehearse,
the stranger I feel,

and last time
my voice even changed.

It was scary.
Erin said that--

- Erin?
- He's the leprechaun.

He told me it was
because I had the glamour.

That's what you called it, too.
This sounds dumb.

Maybe I'm just nervous
about the play.

You really don't know
about these herbs, do you?

Just that Erin uses them
to make tea.

Oh, he does, does he?

Herbs can be very powerful
if used by those who know how...

and if you know how to get them.

- How did you get those?
- A trade with a spriggen.

"Yours be mine, and mine be yours"
was all it took.

Cost me my favorite toothpick.

"Yours be mine,
and mine be yours."

Sounds like a line from our play.

When did you say
this play of yours is?

We open tomorrow night.

Last Rehearsal's tomorrow at noon.

Why?
You want to come?

I wouldn't miss it
for all the suds in Dublin.

Then dance with me...

and speak as I speak.

Ha ha!
The fairy ring does dance and sing,

the mortal gloom a dying thing.

Saints and stars!

[Jake]
The fairy ring does dance and sing,

the mortal gloom a dying thing.

Turn me now into spirit bright
and leave behind the human plight.

[deep voice]
Turn me now into a spirit bright

and leave behind the human plight.

[woman]
Watch out!

Lucy! Lucy!
Who's been mucking with these ropes?

I want everybody,
all the actors, to the green!

I'll get to the bottom of this.

Psst! Laddie!

Sean?
What are you doing here?

Saving your life,
if you don't mind.

- What?
- I'm the one who released the rope.

Are you crazy?
You nearly k*lled me!

Lad, you're in danger,
it is true, but it's not from me.

Take a deep breath
and look at yourself.

[screaming]

- His ears for pointy?
- Weird.

- Very weird.
- Yeah, and as Pop-pop used to say,

this... is where the plot thickens.

[Sean]
I felt it the first time I saw you.

It's the glamour.
Every time you take the oath,

you're a step closer
to becoming a changeling.

A changeling!

But it's a play.
It's not real.

It's as real as those pointy ears.

And tonight you'll take
the oath for the final time.

This can't be happening.
Erin wouldn't do this to me.

Hmph. He would
if he is who I think he is.

Where does this Erin dwell?

His room's downstairs,
but no one ever goes there.

He always naps
before performances.

What better time to pay him a visit?

[whispering]
I don't think he likes visitors.

Then let's be crafty about this.

[Sean]
Lucky charms and four-leaf clovers.

What are you doing?

Help me now, lad, and
I'll answer all your questions later.

Erin's not going to like this.

[alarm sounding]

Come on!

[muttering]

Just as I suspected.

That's my hat.
That's my picture!

Leave it be.
He'll know we've been here.

Erin's got s pet toad?

[Sean] That's no toad, lad.
It's a changeling.

- [soft banging]
- We haven't much time.

Come on!
Roundwort, uh, thyme--

- It must be here someplace.
- He's coming back!

Foxglove, cowslip... uh...

Ah Got it!

Rowan root.
Now we're in business.

- Let's go!
- [door creaking]

We're dead!

[muttering]

Heh heh heh heh.

[low moaning]

Ohhh...

Ohhh...

- Erin's a banshee?
- Aye. The cruelest of all the pixies.

They drunk the tea of bluebells,
foxgloves, and ragweed.

That's why I thought you were
the one who wanted the herbs.

Then what does he want with me?

Here where it gets sticky.

They feed on human souls,
the banshees do.

Every seven years,
they need to devour another one,

leaving some poor creature
in its place.

The toad!
The toad was a person.

A changeling.

That's the oath you've been
taking during the play...

- for real.
- Lose this.

I'll call Mom and Dad.
They'll get the police.

Take it easy, skipper.
The process has already started.

Look at your ears.

You can't survive
as half a changeling.

Then what can I do?

You can b*at him at his own game.

I won't be taken!

You have my mark!

No!

[evil laughter]

[cheering]

Sean?

Not bad for an opening act.

I thought you forgot.

- Are you ready for the finale?
- As ready as I'll ever be.

That's the spirit.

Let's get to work.

There are three rules
to b*ating a banshee.

You must do them all,
or the game is lost.

You with me?

- Do I have a choice?
- No. Rule number one-- be fearless.

Swallow these.

[Jake]
Forget it.

We don't have time, Jake.
Fearless!

- Fearless?
- Good. Now, where's the bota bag?

Now add these.

Rowan-tree, redthreed,
puts the witches to their speed.

Rule number two--
give him a taste of his own medicine.

Don't you drink that yourself.

- Don't worry.
- Rule number three--

Don't take your eyes off him.
You must spellbind him.

Lock your eyes with his and
turn his own spell against him.

Understand?

Then let the angels be with you, lad.

The fairy ring does dance and sing,
the mortal gloom a dying thing.

The fairy ring does dance and sing,
and the mortal gloom a dying thing.

Turn me now into a spirit bright
and leave behind the human plight.

Turn me now into a spirit bright
and leave behind the human plight.

Who have you been talking to, boy?

I lost his gaze!

[evil laughter]

You're not afraid, are you?

No! No! I'm fearless!

Do you guys see what I'm seeing?

What is-- did we miss this
in rehearsal or something?

[deep voice]
You're all mine now.

Help! Help, somebody!

This is really happening!

You're mine forevermore!
[evil laughter]

[Sean]
Hello, Gort!

Or is it Erin now?

Sean O'Shaney.

Well, you're too late this time.

Gort, still up to your same old tricks.

Because old tricks still work.

Sean?

Hee hee ha ha ha ha!

So you thought the little
leprechaun would help you.

Leave me alone.

Seven years I've waited,
and now you're mine!

No!

[evil laughter]

You're mine!

Right you are, Gort.
He is yours,

and this is mine!

Me tail!

Indeed, but now it's mine.

I've kept it all these years.
Care to make a little trade?

- No!
- Yes!

Yours be mine, and mine be yours!

No!

Absent friend, distant place,
return, return, to the human race.

What happened?

You're free, lad!
You b*at the banshee!

[applause]

It's not, uh...

- Are you really a leprechaun?
- When the need arises.

[Eric] Will o' the wisp was
never performed again,

and Erin had disappeared forever.

The End.

And that one, Pop-pop,
was for you.

[cheering]