Accadde tra le sbarre (1955)

[bunniefuu]

(ROCK BAND WARMING UP)

MAN: Okay, guys, here we go.
Here we go.

One, two...

One, two, three...

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ It's been one week
since you looked at me

♪ Cocked your
head to the side
and said I'm angry

♪ Five days since you
laughed at me saying

♪ Get that together
come back and see me

♪ Three days since
the living room

♪ I realized
it's all my fault
but couldn't tell you

♪ Yesterday you'd forgiven me

♪ But it'll still be two days
till I say I'm sorry

♪ Hold it now and
watch the hoodwink
as I make you stop, think

♪ You'll think
you're looking at Aquaman
I summon fish to the dish

♪ Though I like
my Chalet Swiss

♪ I like the sushi
'cause it's never
touched a frying pan

♪ Hot like wasabi
when I bust rhymes
Big like LeAnn Rimes

♪ Because I'm all about value
Bert Kaempfert's
got the mad hits

♪ You try to match wits
You try to hold me
but I bust through

♪ Gonna make a break
and take a fake

♪ I'd like a stinkin'
achin' shake

♪ I like vanilla
It's the finest
of the flavors

♪ Gotta see the show
'cause then you'll know
the vertigo is gonna grow

♪ 'Cause it's so dangerous
you'll have to sign a waiver ♪

(HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ I don't give a damn
'bout my reputation

♪ You're livin' in the past
It's a new generation

♪ A girl can do
what she wants to do
and that's what I'm gonna do

♪ And I don't give a damn
'bout my bad reputation

♪ Oh, no
♪ No, no, no, no, no, no

♪ Not me
♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me

♪ And I don't give a damn
'bout my reputation

♪ Never said I wanted
to improve my station

♪ And I'm only doing good
when I'm having fun

♪ And I don't have
to please no one

♪ And I don't give a damn
'bout my bad reputation

Hey!

♪ Oh, no
♪ No, no, no, no, no, no

♪ Not me ♪

(COMPUTER KEYS CLACKING)

I'll be right with you.

So, Cameron.
Here you go.

Nine schools in 10 years.
My, my. Army brat?

Yeah. My dad is, uh...

That's enough.

I'm sure you won't find
Padua any different
than your old schools.

Same little ass-wipe
shit-for-brains
everywhere.

(CHUCKLES)

Excuse me?
Did you just say...
Am I in the right office?

Not anymore, you're not.
I've got deviants to see
and a novel to finish.

Now, scoot. Scoot!

(CLEARS THROAT) Okay.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Patrick Verona.

I see we're making
our visits a weekly ritual.

Only so we can have
these moments together.

Should I, uh,
hit the lights?

Oh, very clever,
kangaroo boy.

Says here you
exposed yourself
in the cafeteria?

I was joking
with the lunch lady.
It was a bratwurst.

Bratwurst?

Aren't we the optimist?

Next time, keep it
in your pouch, okay?

Scoot!

Hello! Michael Eckman.
I'm supposed to
show you around.

Oh, hi. Thank God.
You know, uh...

Normally they send down
one of those
audio visual geeks.

No, I do.
I know what you mean.

Hey, Michael,
where should
I put those slides?

Michael?
So, uh... Cameron.

Here's the breakdown.

Over there, we've got your
basic beautiful people.

Now listen.
Unless they talk to
you first, don't bother.

Wait. Is that
your rule or theirs?

Watch. Hey, there.

Eat me.
You see that?

To the left,
we have the coffee kids.

(COFFEE SPILLING)

That was Costa Rican,
butthead!
Very edgy.

Don't make any
sudden movements
around them.

These delusionals
are your white Rastas.

They're big Marley fans.
They think they're black.

Semi-political, but mostly...
Smoke a lot of weed?

Yeah. These guys...

Wait, wait.
Let me guess. Cowboys?

Yeah, but the closest
they've come to a cow
is McDonald's.

(CHUCKLING) McDonald's.

These are your future MBAs.
We're all Ivy League accepted.

Yuppie greed is back,
my friend.

Hey, guys, how you doin'?

Close it, Bogey!

Yesterday,
I was their god.

What happened?

(SIGHING) Bogey Lowenstein
started a rumor that I...

That I buy my Izods
at an outlet mall.

So they kicked you out?
Hostile takeover.
But don't worry.

He'll pay.
Now, over here...

Oh, my God.

What group is she in?

The "don't even
think about it" group.

That's Bianca Stratford.
She's a sophomore.

I burn, I pine,
I perish.

Of course you do. You know,
she's beautiful and deep.

I'm sure.

Yeah, but see,
there's a difference
between like and love.

Because I like my Skechers,
but I love my Prada backpack.

But I love my Skechers.

That's because
you don't have
a Prada backpack.

Oh.

Listen, forget her.
Incredibly uptight father.

And it's a widely
known fact that

the Stratford sisters
aren't allowed to date.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Whatever.

(BELL RINGING)

(CHATTERING)

Okay, then.
What did everyone think
of The Sun Also Rises?

I loved it.
He's so romantic.

Romantic? Hemingway?

He was an abusive,
alcoholic misogynist
who squandered half his life

hanging around Picasso
trying to nail his leftovers.

As opposed to a bitter,
self-righteous hag
who has no friends?

(STUDENTS CHUCKLING)

Pipe down, Chachi.

I guess in this society,
being male and an assh*le

makes you worthy
of our time.

(STUDENTS GROANING)

What about Sylvia Plath,

or Charlotte Bronte
or Simone de Beauvoir?

(PANTING) What'd I miss?

The oppressive
patriarchal values
that dictate our education.

Good.

Hey, hey!
BOY: Mr. Morgan.

Is there any chance
we could get Kat
to take her Midol

before she comes to class?

(STUDENTS CHUCKLING)

Someday you're gonna get
bitch-slapped,

and I'm not gonna do
a thing to stop it.

And Kat,
I want to thank you
for your point of view.

I know how difficult
it must be for you
to overcome all those years

of upper-middle class
suburban oppression.

Must be tough.

But the next time
you storm the P.T.A.,

crusading for
better lunch meat,

or whatever it is
you white girls
complain about,

ask them why
they can't buy a book
written by a black man!

That's right, mon!

Don't even get me
started on you two.

(BOTH MUMBLING)

Anything else?

Yeah, go to the office.
You're pissing me off.

What? Mr. Morgan...

Later!

(SCATTERED CHUCKLING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Undulating with desire,

Adrienne removes her red...

(SIGHS)

Crimson cape

at the sight of
Reginald's stiff and...

Judith!

What's another word
for "engorged"?

I'll look it up.

Okay.

Swollen. Turgid.

Tumescent?

Perfect.

So, I hear
you were terrorizing
Mr. Morgan's class again.

Expressing my opinion
is not a t*rror1st action.

The way you
expressed your opinion
to Bobby Ridgeway?

By the way, his testicle
retrieval operation
went quite well,

in case you're interested.

I still maintain
that he kicked himself
in the balls.

The point is, Kat...

Cat.

(SIGHS)

(PURRS)

People perceive
you as somewhat...

Tempestuous?

"Heinous bitch"
is the term
used most often.

You might want
to work on that.

Thank you.

As always, thank you
for your excellent guidance.

I'll let you get back
to Reginald's
quivering member.

"Quivering member."
I like that.

Virgin alert.
Your favorite.

Ooh.
Lookin' good, ladies.

Oh, she's out of reach,
even for you.

No one's out of
reach for me.

You wanna put
money on that?

Money, I've got.

This I'm gonna do for fun.

(SCOFFS)

Who's that guy?

That's Joey Donner.

He's a jerk off,
and a model.

(CHUCKLES)
He's a model?
A model.

Mostly regional stuff,

but he's rumored
to have a big tube
sock ad coming out.

Really?
Really.

Man, look at her.
Is she always so...

Vapid?

How can you say that?
She's totally...

Conceited.
What are you
talking about?

There's more to her
than you think.

Look at the way she smiles,
and look at her eyes, man.

She's totally pure.
You're missing what's there.

No, no, Cameron, no.
What's there

is a snotty little princess
wearing a strategically
planned sun dress

to make guys like us realize
that we can never touch her

and guys like Joey realize
that they want to.

She, my friend,
is what we will spend

the rest of our lives
not having.

Put her in your
spank bank, move on.

Move on.
No, no.
You're wrong about her.

I mean, you know,
not about the spanking part,

but the rest, you're wrong.

All right... I'm wrong?
You wanna take a shot,
be my guest.

She's actually looking
for a French tutor.

Are you serious?
That's perfect!

Do you speak French?

Well, no, but I will.

Hey. Your little
Rambo look is out, Kat.

Didn't you read
last month's Cosmo?

Run along.

I know you can be overwhelmed,
and you can be underwhelmed,

but can you ever
just be "whelmed"?

I think you can
in Europe.

Hi, ladies.

Would you sweet young things
like a ride?

Careful on the leather.

Whoo!

That's a charming
new development.

It's disgusting.

Remove head
from sphincter,
then drive!

You okay?
Yeah.

Just a minor encounter
with the shrew.

That's your
girlfriend's sister.

That's Bianca's sister?

The mewling,
rampalian wretch herself.

(SIGHS)
Stay cool, bro.

Yeah, see you later.

Look out!

My balls! Oh, boy.

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS) Yeah, whoo!

♪ Sunshine on the window

♪ Makes me happy

♪ Like I should be

♪ Outside all around me

♪ Really sleazy

♪ Then it hits me

♪ Don't tell me

♪ You can't see
what it means to me

♪ Me, me, me ♪

Hello, Katarina.
Make anyone cry today?

Sadly, no.
But it's only 4:30.

Hi, Daddy.
Hello, precious.

And where have you been?
Nowhere.

Hey, what's this?
It says Sarah Lawrence.

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS) I got in!

(GIGGLING EXCITEDLY)
I got in!

Uh, honey, that's great,

but isn't Sarah Lawrence
on the other side
of the country?

Thus the basis of its appeal.

(CHUCKLES)

I thought we decided
you were going to stay
here and go to school.

"U-Dub," like me.
Be a Husky.

(GROWLING)

No, you decided.

Oh, okay, so what,
you just pick up
and leave, is that it?

Let's hope so.

Ask Bianca who
drove her home.

Kat, don't change the...
Drove? Who drove you home?

Now, don't get upset, Daddy,
but there's this boy...

Who's a flaming imbecile.

And I think
he might ask me...

Please. I think I know
what he's going to ask you.

And I think I know
the answer... No.
It's always no.

What are the two house rules?
Number one, no dating
till you graduate.

Number two, no dating
till you graduate.

That's it.

Daddy,
that's so unfair.

All right, you want to
know what's unfair?
This is for you, too.

This morning I delivered
a set of twins
to a 15-year-old girl.

Do you know what
she said to me?

I'm a crack whore
who should have

made my skeezy boyfriend
wear a condom?

Close, but no.

She said, "I should have
listened to my father."

She did not.

Well, that's what
she would have said

if she wasn't
so doped up.

Can we focus on me
for a second, please?

I am the only
girl in school
who's not dating.

Oh, no you're not.
Your sister doesn't date.

And I don't intend to.

And why is that again?

Have you seen
the unwashed miscreants
that go to that school?

Where did you come from?
Planet Loser?

As opposed to
Planet Look At Me,
Look At Me.

(SCOFFS)

(CLAPS HANDS)

Okay, here's how
we solve this one.

Old rule out.
New rule,
Bianca can date

when she does.

But she's a mutant!
What if she never dates?

Then you'll never date.
Oh, I like that.

And I'll get to
sleep at night.

The deep slumber of a father
whose daughters aren't
out being impregnated.

(PAGER BEEPING)

We'll talk about
Sarah Lawrence later.
Fine.

Wait! Daddy!
Gotta go.

Can't you just find
some blind, deaf ret*rd

to take you to the movies
so I can have one date?

I'm sorry.
Looks like you'll
just have to miss out

on the witty repartee
of Joey "Eat Me" Donner.

(SCOFFS) You suck.

(MOCKINGLY) You suck.

Hi. Can we
make this quick?

Roxanne Corinne
and Andrew Jarrett are having
an incredibly horrendous

public break-up
on the quad, again.

Oh, yeah, um, okay.
I thought that we'd, um,

start with pronunciation,
if that's all right with you.

Not the hacking and gagging
and spitting part, please.

Well, uh,
there is an alternative.

There is?

Yeah, French food.

We could eat
some together, uh,

Saturday night?

You're asking me out?

That's so cute.
What's your name again?

Cameron. Listen,
I know that your dad
doesn't let you date,

but I thought
that if it was
for French class...

Oh, wait a minute.
Curtis...
Cameron.

My dad just came up
with a new rule.

I can date
when my sister does.

You're kidding.
Let me ask you,
do you like sailing?

'Cause I read
about this place
that rents boats...

A beaucoup problemo, Calvin.

In case you haven't heard,

my sister's a particularly
hideous breed of loser.

Yeah. Yeah, I noticed
she's a little antisocial.

Why is that?

Unsolved mystery.

She used to be
really popular,
and then it was like

she got sick of it
or something.

Theories abound as to why,

but I'm pretty sure
she's just incapable
of human interaction.

Plus, she's a bitch.

Well, yeah, but I'm sure,
you know, that there are

lots of guys
who wouldn't mind

going out with
a difficult woman.

I mean, you know,
people jump out of airplanes
and ski off cliffs.

It'd be like
"Extreme Dating."
Huh?

You think you could find
someone that extreme?

Yeah, sure, why not?

And you'd
do that for me?

Hell, yes!

I mean, you know,
I could look into it.

(BELL RINGS)

Now, I have
gathered a group of guys,
couldn't be more perfect.

Padua's finest.

Hi. How you doin'?

Would any of you
be interested in dating
Katarina Stratford?

(LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)
I've never been
that ripped.

Maybe if we were
the last two people alive,

and there were no sheep.

Are there sheep?

(SCREAMING)

Did I or did I not tell you
it was pointless?

No one will go out with her.

Hey, hey,
what about him?

Him? No, don't...
Don't look at him, okay?

He's a criminal.

I heard he lit
a state trooper on fire.

He just did a year
in San Quentin.

Well, at least he's horny.

I'm serious, man.
He's whacked.

He sold his own liver
on the black market for
a new set of speakers.

He's our guy.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hi. How you doin'?

Listen, I...

(DRILL WHIRRING)

Okay. Later, then.

How do we get him
to date Kat?

(SIGHS)
I don't know.

I mean, uh,
we could pay him,

but we don't
have any money.

Yeah, well,
what we need
is a backer.

What's that?

Someone with money
who's stupid.

Oh, yeah.

Is that a peach
Fruit Roll-Up?
Because you don't see many...

Oh, okay.
Yeah. All right.

Are you lost?
No.

Actually,
I just came by to chat.

We don't chat.

Well, actually, I thought

that I'd run an idea
by you, just to see
if you're interested.

I'm not.

Well, hear me out.

Now, you want
Bianca, right?

But she can't go out with you
because her sister

is this insane
head case, and no one
will go out with her, right?

Does this conversation
have a purpose?

What I think you need to do,

is you need to hire a guy
who'll go out with her.

Someone who doesn't
scare so easily.

JOEY: That guy?

I heard he ate
a live duck once.

Everything but
the beak and feet.

Clearly,
he's a solid investment.

What's in it for you?
Hey.

I'm walking down the hall
and I say hello to you,
you say hello to me.

Yeah, yeah, I get it.
You're cool by association.

(CLEARS THROAT)
I'll think about it.

We're done now.
Yeah.

What are you doing
getting him involved?

Relax, now. Relax.

We let him pretend
he's calling the sh*ts.

While he's busy
setting things up,
you have time with Bianca.

That is a good idea.
All right.

(CHUCKLING)

I have a d*ck on
my face, don't I?

Now, remember, guys,

grip it and rip it.

(WHISTLES BLOWING)

Hey. How you doin'?

I had some great
duck last night.

Do I know you?

You see that girl?

Yeah.
That's Kat Stratford.

I want you to
go out with her.

(SCOFFS)
Yeah, sure, Sparky.

Look,
I can't take out her sister
until Kat starts dating.

You see,
their dad's whacked out.

He's got this rule
where the girls...

That's a touching story.
It really is.
Not my problem.

Would you be willing
to make it your problem

if I provide
generous compensation?

(CHUCKLES)
You're gonna pay me
to take out some chick?

Mmm-hmm.

(CHUCKLES)

How much?

Twenty bucks.

(GRUNTS)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Fine, 30.

Well, let's think about this.

We go to the movies,
that's, uh, 15 bucks.

We get popcorn,
that's, uh, 53.

And she'll want
Raisinets, right?

So, uh,
we're looking at 75 bucks.

This isn't a negotiation.
Take it or leave it,
Trailer Park.

Fifty bucks
and we got a deal, Fabio.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

CHAPIN:
Great practice,
everybody.

Good hustle, Stratford.

KAT: Thanks, Mr. Chapin.

Hey there, girlie.
How you doin'?

Sweating like a pig,
actually. And yourself?

Now, there's a way to get
a guy's attention, huh?

My mission in life.

But obviously,
I struck your fancy,
so, you see, it worked.

The world makes sense again.

(CHUCKLES)

Pick you up
on Friday, then.

Oh, right.
Friday. Uh-huh.

Well, the night
I take you places
you've never been before.

Like where?
The 7-Eleven on Broadway?

Do you even know
my name, screw boy?

I know a lot more
than you think.

Doubtful.
Very doubtful.

We are screwed.

Hey, I don't want to hear
that defeatist attitude.

I want to
hear you upbeat.
(CHEERFULLY) We're screwed!

There you go.
GIRL: Hey, Coach Chapin!

Run, Bogey!

Have you ever
considered a new look?

I mean, seriously.
You could have
some definite potential

buried under all
this hostility.

I'm not hostile.
I'm annoyed.

Why don't you
try being nice?

People wouldn't know
what to think.

You forget,
I don't care
what people think.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

You don't always have
to be who they want
you to be, you know.

I happen to like
being adored,
thank you.

Where'd you get the pearls?

They're Mom's.

And you've been what,
hiding them
for three years?

No. Daddy found them
in a drawer last week.

So you're just
gonna start
wearing them now?

It's not like
she's coming back
to claim them!

Besides,
they look good on me.

Trust me. They don't.

Nice ride.
Vintage fenders.

Are you following me?

I was in the Laundromat.
I saw your car.
I came over to say hi.

Hi.

Not a big talker, huh?

Depends on the topic.

My fenders
don't really whip me
into a verbal frenzy.

You're not afraid
of me, are you?

Why would I
be afraid of you?

Well, most people are.

Well, I'm not.

Well, maybe you're
not afraid of me,

but I'm sure
you've thought
about me naked.

Am I that transparent?

I want you, I need you.
Oh, baby, oh, baby.

(HIP-HOP PLAYING ON STEREO)

(GROANS)
What is it, assh*le day?

Do you mind?

Not at all.

(LAUGHING)

You bitch!

(CHUCKLES)

Whoops.

"Whoops"?

My insurance
does not cover PMS!

(SIGHS)
Well, then tell
them I had a seizure.

Is this about
Sarah Lawrence?

Are you punishing me
because I want you to
stay close to home?

Aren't you punishing me
because Mom left?

You think you could
leave her out of this?

Fine.
Then stop making
my decisions for me.

I'm your father.
That's my right.

So what I want
doesn't matter.

You're 18.
You don't know
what you want.

And you won't know
what you want
till you're 45,

and even if you get it,
you'll be too old to use it.

I want to go to
an East Coast school!

I want you to trust me
to make my own choices,

and I want you to stop
trying to control my life

just because you
can't control yours!

Yeah?
Well, you know
what I want?

(PAGER BEEPING)

(GROANS)

We'll continue this later.

Can't wait.

Did you just
maim Joey's car?

Yeah. Looks like
you're gonna have
to take the bus.

Has the fact that
you're completely psycho

managed to escape
your attention?

Daddy!

When I shell out 50,
I expect results.

Yeah, I'm on it.

Watching that bitch
violate my car
doesn't count as a date.

Now, if you don't get any,
I don't get any.

So get some.

I just upped my price.

What?

Hundred bucks a date.

In advance.

(SCOFFS) Forget it.

Well, forget
her sister, then.

You better hope
you're as smooth as you
think you are, Verona.

Go.
No, you go.

I went before.

We know what
you're trying to do
with Kat Stratford.

Is that right?
What do you plan
to do about it?

Help you out.

Why's that?

(STAMMERING)
The situation is,

my man Cameron here
has a major jones
for Bianca Stratford.

What is it with this chick?
She have beer-flavored
nipples?

Hey!

I, uh...
I think I speak correctly

when I say that
Cameron's love is pure,

purer than,
say, Joey Donner's.

I'm in this for the cash.
Donner can plow
whoever he wants.

Okay, there will
be no plowing.

Patrick, uh... Pat...

Let me explain
something to you here.

We set this whole thing up
so Cameron can get the girl.
Cameron.

Joey's just a pawn.

So, you two
are gonna help me
tame the wild beast.

Absolutely.

We'll do some research,
we'll find out
what she likes.

We're your guys.

And he means that in
a strictly non-prison
movie type of way.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Uh, let's start here.

Now, Friday night,
Bogey Lowenstein
is having a party.

It's the perfect opportunity.

Perfect opportunity
for what?

For you to take out Kat.

I'll think about it.

And for a little payback.

This is gonna be
some party.

Let's do this.

♪ Sexy boy

♪ Sexy boy

Now, this is
really important, okay?

Which one
do you like better?

Hmm. I think I like
the white shirt better.

Yeah, it's... It's more...

Pensive?

Damn.
I was going
for thoughtful.

So, are you going
to Bogey Lowenbrau's
thing on Friday night?

Yeah, I might.

Good, 'cause you know,
I'm not gonna bother
if you won't be there.

(BELL RINGING)

See you there.

Okay.
All right.

♪ Sexy boy ♪

CAMERON: So, have you
heard about Bogey
Lowenstein's party?

Yes, and I really,
really, really
want to go.

But you know I can't.
Not unless my sister does.

Yeah, I know.
I'm working on that,
but so far,

you know,
she's not going
for my guy.

She's not a...

K.D. Lang fan? No.

I found a picture
of Jared Leto
in her drawer once,

so I'm pretty sure
she's not harboring
same-sex tendencies.

Okay, so that's
the kind of guys
she likes...

Like, pretty guys.

I don't know.
All I've ever heard her say

is that she'd die
before dating
a guy that smokes.

Okay, all right,
no smoking.
What else?

You're asking me
to investigate
the inner workings

of my sister's
twisted mind?

I don't think so.

Well, nothing else
has worked.

We need to go behind
enemy lines here.

Okay, here we go.

Class schedule,
reading list,

date book,
concert tickets,
concert tickets.

Aha! Black panties!

What does that tell us?

She wants to
have sex someday,
that's what.

You... She could
just like the color.

You don't buy black lingerie
unless you want someone
to see it.

Oh.

So, uh...
Can I see your room?

No.

A girl's room
is very personal.

Oh, okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(BEEPING HORN)

Nice bike.

Yeah, you think so?

Wow. Is this what
a bar looks like?

Don't touch anything.
You may get hepatitis.

So, what have you
got for me?

A little insight
into a very
complicated girl.

Excuse me.
Just one question
before we start.

Should you be
drinking alcohol
when you don't have a liver?

What?
Nothing. Nothing.

All right, first thing.
Kat hates smokers.

So, you're telling me
I'm a non-smoker.

Yes. Well, just for now.

And here's
another problem.

Bianca said that
Kat likes pretty guys.

Are you telling me
I'm not a pretty guy?

He's very pretty!

This is a gorgeous guy.

I just wasn't sure.
I didn't know.

All right.
Uh, yeah, okay.
Here's this.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"Likes.

"Thai food, feminist prose
and angry girl music

"of the indie
rock persuasion."

Here's a list of CDs
she has in her room.

So, I'm supposed to buy her
some noodles and a book

and sit around
listening to chicks

who can't play their
instruments, right?

Have you ever been
to Club Skunk?

CAMERON: Her favorite band's
playing there tomorrow night.

I can't be seen at
Club Skunk, all right?

But she'll be there.
She's got tickets.

Assail your ears
for one night.

She has a pair of
black underwear.

CAMERON: If that helps.

Couldn't hurt, right?

(CHUCKLES)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

WOMAN:
♪ You can talk

♪ You can talk about it

♪ If I'm wrong

♪ If I'm wrong
I'll take the blame

♪ You can talk

♪ As the hours slip away

♪ As my own

♪ I can call another day

♪ Come on, come on

♪ To my embrace

♪ How you sleep so easy

♪ Is a mystery

♪ I've got my ear

♪ Pressed to the glass
Pressed to the wall

♪ By the way

♪ It's your second face
I didn't see

♪ About what I heard

Verona!
What are you doing here?

(MUSIC CONTINUES
INDISTINCTLY)

I need agua!

♪ All the things
I didn't know about you

♪ So won't you
come on, come on

Two waters.

♪ Come on to my embrace ♪

If you're planning
on asking me out,

you might as well
just get it over with.

Do you mind?
You're kind of
ruining this for me.

You're not surrounded by
your usual cloud of smoke.

I know. I quit.
Apparently
they're bad for you.

You think?

You know, these guys
are no Bikini k*ll
or the Raincoats.

But they're not bad.

You know who
the Raincoats are?

Why, don't you?

I was watching you
out there before.

I've never seen you
look so sexy.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(LAUGHING)

Come to Bogey's
party with me.
You never give up, do you?

(BAND STARTS)

Was that a yes?

No.

Well, then, was that a no?

No.

I'll see you at 9:30 then!

Should have used the window.

Hi, Daddy.
Hi.

Where are we going?

Well, if you must know,
a small study group
of friends.

Otherwise known as an orgy?

Mr. Stratford,
it's just a party.

And hell is just a sauna.

Do you know anything
about a party?

People expect me
to be there.

Kat's not going,
you're not going.

Why can't you be normal?

Define "normal."
Bogey Lowenstein's
party is normal.

What's a
Bogey Lowenstein?

Bogey's party is
just a lame excuse

for all the idiots
at our school
to drink beer

and rub up
against each other

in hopes of
distracting themselves
from the pathetic emptiness

of their meaningless...

TOGETHER: Meaningless,
consumer-driven lives.

(CHUCKLES)

Can you,
for just one night,

forget that you're
completely wretched
and be my sister?

Please?

Please?

(SIGHS) Come on, Kat.
Please do this for me.

Fine.
I'll make an appearance.

(SHRIEKING)

It's starting.

It's just a party, Daddy.

I want you to wear the belly.

(GASPS)

Daddy, no.

Not all night.

Just around
the living room for a minute
so you can understand

the full weight
of your decisions.

I am perfectly aware...
Listen to me.

Every time you even think
about kissing a boy,

I want you to
picture wearing this
under your halter top.

You are so
completely unbalanced.

(GROANS)

We're going now.
All right, wait a minute.

No drinking,
no dr*gs, no kissing,

no tattoos, no piercings,
no ritual animal
slaughters of any kind.

Oh, God,
I'm giving them ideas.

(SIGHS) Daddy!

What are you doing here?

9:30, right?

Oh, I'm early.

Whatever. I'm driving.

Who knocked up
your sister?

So then, Bianca says
that I was right,

that she didn't wear
the Kenneth Coles
with that dress

because she thought
that it was, uh,
mixing genres, right?

And the fact that I noticed,
and this is
a direct quote, listen,

"Really meant something."

You told me
that part already.

I've been thinking
about her all the time.

Stop being so self-involved
for one minute. How do I look?

You look like
my Great Uncle Milton.

You think I should
lose the tie?
Yeah.

Maybe you're right.
I'm just so nervous.

And I'm also very excited.
I'm nervous, I'm excited.

It's all very mixed up.
I don't know what to do!

All right, just calm down,
all right? Shh.

The last party I went to
was at Chuck E. Cheese.

You want to talk
about some fun.
That's a good time.

Now, remember, guys.
Don't touch anything.

(CHUCKLES)

Oop! What did I tell you?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh.
Must be Nigel
with the Brie.

(KICKING DOOR)

(GROUP CHEERING)

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)

You know, I'm...
I'm thinking of
getting a Tercel.

Yeah, that's a Toyota.

It has dual side air bags
and a spacious back seat.

Kiss me!
Kiss him.

Okay.
Good.

Hey, thanks, man!

(BODY THUDS)

Sweet.

Looking fresh tonight,
pussycat.

Wait. Was that...
Did your hairline
just recede?

Hey, where are you goin'?

Away.

Your sister here?

Stay away
from my sister.

Oh, I'll stay away
from your sister.

But I can't guarantee
she'll stay away from me.

Fight!

Ooh, fight!

(CHEERING)

(HOOTING)

You guys, please!
Take it outside!

(GROUP GASPING)

Thank you!

Hey, Kat.
Look who found me.

Bianca, wait.

Please do not
address me in public.

No, there's something
I need to tell you.

I am busy enjoying
my adolescence,

so scamper off
and do the same.

Bu-bye.

Want one?

What is this?
Right on, sister!

(COUGHS)

I've been looking
all over the place for you.

I'm getting trashed, man.
Isn't that what you're
supposed to do at a party?

I don't know.
I say do what
you want to do.

Funny.
You're the only one.

Later.

Lord of the dance!
Hi, Heather.

Bite me.

(CHUCKLES)
Should've kept the tie.

Hey. Hey,
have you seen her
around anywhere?

Relax.
Relax? I'm fine.

Follow the love.

Hi, Bianca.

Oh, hi, Cameron.

Um, you know Chastity?

Uh, yeah.
I think, uh, we have
art together, right?

Neat.

So, um, you...

You really look amazing.

Thanks.

And we all know
I look amazing.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Yeah.

Bianca, let's go.
We're all congregating
around Mr. Cuervo.

Um, I'll see you
around, okay?

(GIGGLING)

So, I've got
the Sears catalog
thing going,

and the tube sock gig,
that is gonna be huge.

(SCREAMS)

(CROWD GASPING)

And I'm up for
a hemorrhoid cream ad
next week.

I know it sounds
kind of bogus, but...

I get to do some acting.

You see what I did there?
Uh-huh.

That was underwear.
I'll show you
the bathing suit one again.

You see the difference?

All right,
I'll show you guys.

Ohhh!

♪ Friends tell me I'm crazy

♪ That I'm wasting time
with you

♪ You'll never be mine ♪

Is it me,
or does this party
all of a sudden suck?

Really, really,

thank you!

Hey. Hey, Kat,
why don't you let me
have this one, huh?

No! This one's mine.

My man!
How did you
get her to do it?

Do what?
Act like a human.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah! All right!

Go!

See this?

Whoo!

(HEAD HITTING CHANDELIER)

Are you okay?
I'm fine.

You're not fine.
Come on.

I just need to lie down.

Uh-huh.
You lie down and
you'll go to sleep.

Sleep is good.

Not if you have
a concussion.

Come on.
Here, sit down.

Sit.

Hey, hey,
we need to talk.

I'm a little busy
right now.

Can you give me
a second?

What?
It's off, okay?
The whole thing's off.

What are you
talking about?

(SIGHS)

She never wanted me.
She wanted Joey
the whole time.

Cameron,
do you like the girl?

Yeah.
And is she worth
all this trouble?

I thought she was,
but, you know, I...

Well, she is
or she isn't.

See, first of all,
Joey is not half
the man you are.

Secondly,
don't let anyone
ever make you feel

like you don't deserve
what you want.

Go for it!

(SOFTLY WHIMPERING)

Come on.
Why?

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

This is so patronizing.

(GROANS) Leave it to you
to use big words
when you're smashed.

(CHUCKLES)
I don't think so.

Kat.

Why are you doing this?

I told you.
You may have
a concussion.

You don't care
if I never wake up.

Sure I do.
Why?

Because then I'd have to
start taking out girls
who actually like me.

Like you could find one.

Oh, see? That, there.

Who needs affection
when I have blind hatred?

I just...
Let me sit down
for a while.

All right. There.

(GASPS) Geez!
Whoo!

(CHUCKLES)

So, why'd you
let him get to you?
Who?

Joey.

I hate him.

Well, you've chosen
the perfect revenge,
mainlining tequila.

Well, you know
what they say.

Nope.
What do they say?

No, no, no, no.
Kat, come on, wake up!
Look at me!

Listen to me, Kat!
Open your eyes!

(PANTING)

Hey.

Your eyes have
a little green in them.

(CHUCKLES)

(VOMITING)

(COUGHING)

(COUGHING CONTINUES)

I don't know
if we should go.

Hey, a bunch of us
are going to Jarrett's.
Ready?

Um, I have to be
home in 20 minutes.

Well, you know
I don't have to be home
till 2:00, so...

One more chance.

Aw, man, I can't.

Damn.

That's a shame.

You wanna go?
Sure.

Chastity!
Hey, you passed.

Bitch.

Hey. Have fun tonight?

Tons.

Hey, Cameron? Um...

Do you think you could
give me a ride home?

(CRUEL TO BE KIND PLAYING)

I should do this.

Do what?
This!

Start a band?
No, install car stereos.

Yeah, start a band.
My father would love that.

♪ I pick myself
up off the ground

♪ To have you
knock me back down

♪ Again and again

♪ And when I ask
you to explain ♪

(TURNS RADIO OFF)

You don't strike me
as the type that would ask
your father for permission.

Oh, so now you think
you know me?

I'm getting there.

The only thing
people know about me
is that I'm scary.

Yeah, well,
I'm no picnic myself.

Uh, so what's up
with your dad?

Is he...
Is he a pain in the ass?

No, he just wants me
to be somebody that I'm not.

Who?
(MOCKINGLY) Bianca.

Oh, Bianca.

No offense or anything...
I mean I know everyone
"digs" your sister,

but, um, she's without.

You know,

you're not as vile
as I thought you were.

Maybe we should do
this another time.

(SCOFFS)

(CAR RADIO PLAYING)

(ENGINE AND RADIO STOP)

You never wanted
to go sailing
with me, did you?

Yes, I did.

No, you didn't.

Okay, no, not actually...

Well, then that's
all you had to say.

Have you always
been this selfish?

(SOFTLY) Yes.

You know,
just 'cause
you're beautiful,

that doesn't mean
that you can treat people
like they don't matter.

I mean,
I really liked you, okay.

I defended you
when people
called you conceited,

I helped you
when you asked me to,

I learned French for you

and then you
just blow me off
so you could...

And I'm back in the game!

Kat, me lady.
You sway to the rhythm
of me heart.

Dance for me, cowgirl.

Kat, babe,
what do we owe you
for the table dance?

All right,
not that I give a damn,

but how was
everybody's weekend?

Oh, I don't know.
Maybe we should ask Kat.

Unless she kicked the crap
out of your dumb butt,

I don't wanna hear about it.

Okay, let's open up our books
to page 73, Sonnet 141.

And listen up.

"In faith,
I do not love thee
with mine eyes

"For they in thee
a thousand errors note

"But 'tis my heart that loves
what they despise

"Who, in despite of view,
is pleas'd to dote"

Now, I know Shakespeare's
a dead white guy,

but he knows his shit,
so we can overlook that.

I want you all to write
your own version
of this sonnet.

(CLASS GROANS)

Yes, Miss I-Have-An-Opinion-
About-Everything?

Do you want this
in iambic pentameter?

You're not gonna
fight me on this?

No, I think
it's a really
good assignment.

(CHUCKLES)
You're just messin'
with me, aren't you?

No, I'm really looking
forward to writing it.

Get out of my class.

What?
Out. Get out!

Thanks, Mr. Morgan.
Shut up.

♪ I can't get
enough of you, baby

♪ I can't get
enough of you, baby

♪ Yes, it's true ♪

Hey. Cool picture.

What's that collar for?
Is that to keep him
from licking his stitches?

(LAUGHING)

Kidding. No, because I know
you're a fan of Shakespeare.

(SCOFFS)
More than a fan.
We're involved.

Okay.

"Who could refrain
That had a heart to love

"and in that heart..."

"Courage to make
love known."

That's Macbeth, right?

Right.

So, listen, I...
I have this friend,

and he likes your friend...

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

What did you
do to her?

I didn't do anything.
She would've been
too drunk to remember.

But the plan
was working.

What do you care?
I thought you wanted out.

Yeah, well,
I did, but, uh,

that was until
she kissed me.

Where?

In the car.

Sorry.

Dweeb! Putz!
I'm sorry.

All right,
I talked to her.
I got the scoop.

What'd she say?

"Hates him with the fire
of a thousand suns."

That's a direct quote.

Thanks, Michael.
That's very
comforting of you.

We don't know.
She could need
a day to cool off.

Maybe two.

♪ Take time for your pleasure
and laugh with love

♪ Take the hand of another
and sing for
the wings of a dove

Hey!

Can you imagine
who would go to that
antiquated mating ritual?

I would,
but I don't have
a date.

Do you really want
to get all dressed up,

so some Drakkar Noir-wearing
dexter with a boner
can feel you up

while you're forced
to listen to a band
that by definition blows?

All right, all right,
we won't go.

It's not like
I've got a dress anyway.

You're looking at this
from entirely
the wrong perspective.

We're making a statement.

Oh, goody.
Something new and
different for us.

♪ Whoa, whoa

♪ For the wings of a dove

♪ Whoa, whoa

♪ For the wings of a dove

♪ Whoa, whoa

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ For the wings of a dove

♪ Whoa, whoa

♪ For the wings of a dove ♪

Hey there, Cupid.

(EXASPERATED SIGH)
Hi, Joey.

You're concentrating
awfully hard
considering it's gym class.

(MAN YELPS)

Can I help you?
I want to talk
to you about prom.

Ow! Ow-ooo!

Look, you know the deal.
I can't go if Kat doesn't go.

Your sister is going.

Since when?

Let's just say
I'm taking care of it.

This should take care
of the flowers, the limo,
the tux, everything.

Just make sure
she gets to the prom.

Do you know what?
I'm sick of playing
your little game.

Okay, wait,
wait, wait.

You sick of,
let's say, 300?

♪ I'm not the sort of person

♪ Who falls

♪ In and quickly out of love

♪ But to you
I gave my affection

♪ Right from the start

♪ I have a lover

♪ Who loves me

♪ How could I
break such a heart?

♪ Yet still you
get my attention

♪ Why do you come here

♪ When you know
I've got troubles enough?

♪ Why do you call me

♪ When you know
I can't answer the phone?

♪ Make me lie
and I don't want to

♪ And make someone else
some kind of
an unknowin' fool ♪

(MUSIC FADES)

Excuse me.
Have you seen
The Feminine Mystique?

I've lost my copy.

What are you doing here?

I heard there was
a poetry reading.

You're so...
Charming.

Wholesome.

Unwelcome.

You're not as mean
as you think you are,
you know that?

And you're not as badass
as you think you are.

Ooh, someone still has
her panties in a twist.

Don't for one minute think
that you had any effect
whatsoever on my panties.

Then what did I have
an effect on?

Other than my upchuck
reflex, nothing.

You're right,
she's still pissed.

"Sweet love,
renew thy force"

Hey! Don't say shit
like that to me.
People can hear you.

Look,
you embarrassed the girl.

Sacrifice yourself
on the altar of dignity
and even the score.

Listen, don't say
shit like that to him.

People can hear you.

♪ There's a new kind of world
that's taking over

♪ It's got devils
It's got angels

♪ Sitting on my shoulders

♪ There's a new kind of world
that's taking over ♪

(MICROPHONE FEEDS BACK)

PATRICK:
♪ You're just
too good to be true

♪ Can't take
my eyes off of you

♪ You'd be like
heaven to touch

♪ I wanna hold you so much

♪ At long last
love has arrived

♪ And I thank God
I'm alive

♪ You're just too good
to be true

♪ Can't take
my eyes off of you

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

(PLAYING SONG)

♪ I love you, baby

♪ And if it's quite all right
I need you, baby

♪ To warm the lonely night
I love you, baby

♪ Trust in me when I say

♪ Oh, pretty baby

♪ Don't bring me down, I pray
Oh, pretty baby

♪ Now that I found you, stay
and let me love you, baby

♪ Let me love you ♪

(CONTINUES PLAYING)

(LAUGHS)

(GRIMACING SOFTLY)

(GIRL GIGGLES)

You look pretty nervous.

(TIMIDLY) Yes, sir.

You're sweating like a pig.

Yes, sir.

Your eyes
are all bloodshot.

Yes, sir.

You've got pot, don't you?

I'm confiscating this.

This, too.

Mr. Chapin,
can I talk to you
for a second?

What can I do
for you, Stratford?

I have some ideas
on how we can improve
the girls' soccer team.

Great!
Let's talk about it later.

(WHISPERING) The window.

The window.

(CHUCKLES)

As you know, we have
a really big game
with Hillcrest High...

(GASPS)
Your bicep is huge!

Oh, my God.
The other one's
even bigger.

You don't take steroids,
do you, because
I've heard steroids

can severely disintegrate
your package?

(CLASS GROANS)

Not that I'm thinking
about your package.

That's not the point.

Let's hope not.

(FLOORBOARD CREAKS)

The point is
they kick our butts
every year.

I was thinking,
I devised a plan

that will enable us to
finally defeat them.

Which is?

That thing that
you taught us.

What thing?

Misdirection.
I taught you that?

Yeah,
you or Siegfried or Roy?
Anyway, that's not important.

(FLOORBOARD CREAKS)

The... Think about it.

Um, they're looking left
and we're running right.

Bang, we score. We win.

Okay, but how
do we get 'em
to look left?

(BANGING)

Um, like this.

(CLASS CHEERING)

Okay. Well,

now that you've
seen "the plan,"

I'm gonna go
and show "the plan"
to someone else.

Okay.

Hi.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I can't thank you enough
for helping me
sneak out of detention.

Very cool.
No problem.

I thought for sure
I was busted

when I was climbing
out that window,
I tell ya.

So, how did you
keep him distracted?

I dazzled him
with my wits.

So, what's your excuse?
For?

For acting
the way we do?

I don't like to do
what people expect.

Why should I live up to
other people's expectations

instead of my own?

So, you disappoint 'em
from the start

and then you're covered,
right?

Something like that.

Then you screwed up.

How?

You never disappointed me.

Are you up for it?

Up for what?

(GROANS)

♪ Fascinating new thing

♪ You delight me

(GROANS)

♪ And I know
you're speaking of me

(LAUGHING)

♪ Fascinating new thing

(SCREAMS)

♪ Get beside me

♪ I want you to love me

♪ I'm surprised
that you've never
been told before ♪

(SHOUTS)

♪ That you're lovely
and you're perfect

♪ And that somebody wants you

♪ I'm surprised that
you've never been told before

♪ That you're lovely
and you're perfect

♪ And that somebody wants you

♪ I'm surprised that
you've never been told before

♪ That you're priceless
Yeah, you're holy

♪ Even when you are not new

(LAUGHING)

PATRICK: All right, come on.

♪ Fascinating new thing

♪ Fascinating new thing

♪ All right ♪

No, none of
that stuff is true.

State trooper.
Fallacy. Dead guy
in the parking lot?

Rumor. The duck?

Hearsay.
Bobby Ridgeway's balls?

Fact. But he deserved it.
He tried to grope me
in the lunch line.

Fair enough.

The accent?

It's real.
I lived in Australia
until I was 10.

With the Pygmies?
(CHUCKLES) Close.

With my mom.

Where were you last year?
I know the porn career
is a lie.

Do you?

Tell me something true.

Something true.

I hate peas.

No. Something real.
Something no one else knows.

Okay. You're sweet,

and sexy,

(KISSES NECK)

and completely hot for me.

You are amazingly
self-assured.

Has anyone ever
told you that?

I tell myself that
every day, actually.

Go to the prom with me.

Is that a request
or a command?

Come on. Go with me.

No.

No? Why not?

Because I don't want to.
Because it's
a stupid tradition.

Come on. People won't
expect you to go.

Why are you pushing this?

What's in it for you?

Oh.

So now I need to have a motive
to want to be with you?

You tell me.

You need therapy,
you know that?

Has anyone ever
told you that?

Answer the question,
Patrick.
Nothing!

There is nothing
in it for me,

just the pleasure
of your company. Okay?

(SCOFFS)

May I offer you a parsnip?

No you may not.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Where is my uncle's pencil?

I don't know.
Maybe it is up you ass?

Wait. Wait a minute.
That...
That's not on this page.

Let me ask you a question, Cameron.
When are you going to ask me out?

Merde.

(GROANS)

(PANTING)

Seven!

Good.

Daddy?

Hi, honey.

I'd like to discuss
tomorrow night with you.
As you know, it's the prom...

The prom?
Kat has a date?

Well, no.

Don't think
you're fooling me.

I know who you wanna
bend the rules for.

It's that hot-rod Joey.

What's a hot rod?

It's a...
If your sister's
not going,

you're not going.
End of story.

Okay, let's review.

Kat, not interested,
me, dying to go.

Do you know what
happens at proms?

Yes, Daddy. We'll dance,
we'll kiss, we'll come home.

It's not quite
the crisis situation
you imagine.

Kissing, huh?
That's what you
think happens?

Got news for you.

Kissing isn't what
keeps me up to my elbows
in placenta all day long.

Can we for two seconds
ignore the fact that
you're severely unhinged,

and discuss
my need for a night
of teenage normalcy?

What's normal?
Those damn
Dawson's River kids,

sleeping in
each other's beds
and whatnot?

Daddy, that is so not...

Got news for ya.

I'm down.
I've got the 4-1-1.

And you are not
going out and getting
jiggy with some boy.

I don't care
how dope his ride is.

(GROANS)

My mama didn't
raise no fool.

Thanks, Bill.

Ridiculous amounts of love
across this nation worldwide.

(CHUCKLES)

Believe it.

GIRL:
This is the true story.

The Real World.
MAN: Seattle.

(KNOCKING)

(GROANS) Come in.

(SLOW PIANO ON TV)

Listen, I know...

(TV SHUTS OFF)

I know you hate
having to sit at home

because I'm not
Suzy High School.

Like you care.

I do care.

But I'm a firm believer
in doing something
for your own reasons,

and not someone else's.

Well, I wish
I had that luxury.

You know,
I'm the only sophomore

that got asked
to go to the prom,

and I can't go
because you
don't feel like it.

Joey never told you
that we went out,
did he?

Yeah, okay.

In ninth, for a month.

Why?

Because he was,
like, such a babe.

But you hate Joey.

Now I do.

So, what happened?

(LAUGHS) Oh!
Please tell me you're joking.

Just once,
right after Mom left.

Everyone was doing it, so...

I did it.

Afterwards I told him
I didn't want to anymore

because I wasn't ready,

and he got pissed
and he dumped me.

After that I swore
I'd never do anything

just because
everyone else
was doing it.

And I haven't since,

with the exception
of Bogey's party

and my stunning
digestive pyrotechnics.

How is it possible
that I did not
know about this?

I warned him that
if he told anyone,

the cheerleading squad
would find out
how tiny his d*ck is.

Okay, so why
didn't you tell me?

I wanted
to let you make up
your mind about him.

Then why did you help Daddy
hold me hostage?

It's not like
I'm stupid enough
to repeat your mistakes.

I guess I thought
I was protecting you.

By not letting me experience
anything for myself?

Not all experiences
are good, Bianca.

You can't always trust
the people you want to.

Well, I guess
I'll never know,
will I?

♪ The gray ceiling
on the Earth

♪ Well, it lasted for a while

♪ Take my thoughts
for what they're worth

♪ I've been acting
like a child

♪ But what else,
what else can I do?

♪ I said I'm sorry
Yeah, I'm sorry ♪

Ladies with thinning
hair or bald spots,

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the problem instantly.

G.L.H. is not a paint
or a cover-up.

It's an amazing
powder that clings

to the tiniest hairs
on your head.

It actually builds on itself,

leaving you with great,
great-looking hair.

And the G.L.H. hair system
is not expensive.

Interesting.

Order your G.L.H.
hair package now.

Bye, Dad.
I'm going to the prom.

Funny, sweetie.

(DOOR OPENS)

It instantly covers
your bald spot
leaving you with great...

(DOOR CLOSES)

What's that?

A prom dress.

I seem to be
hearing that word
a lot lately.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hi.

Wow. I, um...

(STAMMERS)

(CHUCKLES) Wow.

(CHUCKLES) Bye, Daddy.

Stop.

Turn. Explain.

Okay. Remember how you said
I could date if Kat dated?

Well, she found this guy
who's actually kind
of perfect for her

which is perfect for me,

because Cameron
asked me to go
to the prom

and I really,
really wanna go,

and since Kat went
I guess I'm allowed to

based on
the aforementioned rule,

and its previous
stipulations,
of course.

Nice to meet you.
Let's go.

I know every cop
in town, bucko!

This is not good.

♪ I said I want you to know

♪ I said I want you
to know right now

♪ Well, I want you to know

♪ I said I want
you to know

♪ Whoa

♪ Shout, shout

CROWD: ♪ Shout, shout

♪ Hey

CROWD: ♪ Hey ♪

(MUSIC FADES)

Wow.

You, too.

Where'd you get a tux
at the last minute?

Oh, just something I had,
you know, lying around.

Where'd you
get the dress?

Oh, just something I had,
you know, lying around.

Listen, I'm really sorry
that I questioned
your motives.

I was wrong.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)
You're forgiven.

Okay.

Ready for the prom?

Yes, ma'am.

Hi, Mr. Stratford. I'm Joey.
I'm here to pick up Bianca.

♪ ...on their minds

♪ Their hormones are raging
and they want it all the time

♪ And I know
I know 'cause you said so

♪ And I can't
just let you go and

♪ I know,
I know 'cause you said so

Have you seen him?
Who?

William.
He asked me
to meet him here.

Oh, Mandella,
please tell me you haven't

progressed to
full-on hallucinations.

♪ You're nice to see
and nice to touch

♪ But I would never,
ever, ever treat you wrong

♪ Been waiting for you
all day long

♪ And I know,
I know 'cause you said so
and I can't just let you go

♪ And I know,
I know 'cause you said so
and I can't just let you go ♪

Milady.

Good sir.

(CRUEL TO BE KIND PLAYING)

Oh, my God, it's...

I called in a favor!

♪ Oh, I can't take
another heartache

♪ Though you say
you're my friend
I'm at my wits' end

♪ You say your love
is bona fide

♪ But that don't coincide
with the things that you do

♪ And when
I ask you to be nice

♪ You say you gotta be

♪ Cruel to be kind
in the right measure

♪ Cruel to be kind
It's a very good sign

♪ Cruel to be kind
means that I love you, baby

♪ You gotta be cruel
to be kind

♪ Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-oo

♪ Cruel to be kind
in the right measure

♪ Cruel to be kind
It's a very good sign ♪

(GIRLS CHATTERING)

What are you doing here?

I know you didn't think
you were the only
sophomore at the prom.

Joey just picked me up.

Oh, well, congratulations.
He's all yours.

Very generous, princess.

And just so you know,
Joey only liked you
for one reason.

He even had a bet going
with his friends.

He was gonna
nail you tonight.

Milwaukee.
What?

That's where I was last year.
I wasn't in jail.

I don't know Marilyn Manson
and I didn't sleep with
a Spice Girl, I don't think.

You see, my grandpa,
he was ill so I spent most
of the year on his couch

watching Wheel of Fortune
and making SpaghettiOs.

End of story.

No way.

Hey. What's Bianca doing here
with that cheese d*ck?

I didn't pay you
to take out Kat

so some little punk
could snake me
with Bianca.

Nothing in it for you, huh?

The shit hath hitteth

the faneth.

Joey, pal, compadre?

You messed
with the wrong guy,
and now you're gonna pay.

You and that
little bitch.

All right,
that's enough, okay!
You crossed the line.

Oh, come on!
Get up, you little punk!

Shit, Bianca! I'm sh**ting
a nose spray ad tomorrow!

That's for making
my date bleed!
That's for my sister!

(GROANS)

And that's for me.

Are you okay?

Never been better.

(GROANING CONTINUES)

Would you give me
a chance...

You were paid to take me
out by the one person
I truly hate.

I knew this
was a set-up!

Kat, it wasn't
like that, okay.

What was it, like,
a down payment now

and a bonus for
sleeping with me?

No, I didn't care
about the money!
I cared...

I cared about you.

You are so not
who I thought you were.

♪ That is how love goes

♪ You will fly
and you will crawl

♪ God knows even angels fall

♪ And it's a secret

♪ That no one tells

♪ One day it's heaven
One day it's hell

♪ And it's no fairy tale

♪ Take it from me

♪ That's the way
it's supposed to be ♪

(SIGHS)
You want?

Thanks.

So, you sure you don't want
to go sailing with us?
It'll be fun.

No, I'm fine.

Look, I don't know
if I ever thanked you
for going last night,

but it really meant
a lot to me.

I'm glad.

Hey.
Hey.

You ready?
Mmm-hmm.

See you later.
Bye.

Is... Is she okay?

I hope so.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Where's your sister going?

She's meeting some bikers,
big ones, full of sperm.

Funny.

So, tell me
about this dance.
Was it hoppin'?

Parts of it.

Which parts?

The part where Bianca
beat the hell
out of some guy.

Bianca did what?

What's the matter,
upset that
I rubbed off on her?

No, impressed.

Fathers don't
like to admit it
when their daughters

are capable of running
their own lives.

It means
we've become spectators.

Bianca still
lets me play
a few innings.

You've had me on
the bench for years.

And when you go
to Sarah Lawrence

I won't even be able
to watch the game.

When I go?

Oh, boy. Don't tell me
you changed your mind.

I already sent 'em a check.

All right, I assume
everyone has found time
to complete their poem,

except for Mr. Donner,

(LAUGHING)
who has an excuse.

Shaft, lose the glasses.

All right,
anyone brave enough
to read theirs aloud?

I will.

Lord, here we go.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"I hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair

"I hate the way
you drive my car
I hate it when you stare

"I hate your big dumb
combat boots
and the way you read my mind

"I hate you so much
it makes me sick
It even makes me rhyme

(SIGHS) "I hate it...
I hate the way
you're always right

"I hate it when you lie

"I hate it when
you make me laugh

"even worse
when you make me cry

"I hate it when
you're not around

"and the fact
that you didn't call

"But mostly, I hate
the way I don't hate you,
not even close

"not even a little bit,
not even at all"

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Nice, huh?

A Fender Strat?

Is it for me?

Yeah, I thought
you could use it,

you know,
when you start
your band.

Besides,
I had some extra cash,
you know.

Some assh*le paid me
to take out
this really great girl.

Is that right?

Yeah, but I screwed up.
I, um... I fell for her.

Really?

It's not everyday
you find a girl

who'll flash someone
to get you out of detention.

Oh, God.

You can't just buy me
a guitar every time
you screw up, you know.

Yeah, I know.

But there's always
drums and bass

and maybe even one day
a tambourine.

And don't just
think you can...

♪ I want you to want me

♪ I need you to need me

♪ I'd love you to love me

♪ I'm beggin' you to beg me

♪ Shine up my old brown shoes

♪ I put on a brand-new shirt

♪ I'll get home
early from work

♪ If you say that you love me

♪ Didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'?

♪ Oh, didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'?

♪ Feelin' all
alone without a friend

♪ You know you
feel like dyin'

♪ Oh, didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'?

♪ I want you to want me

♪ I need you to need me

♪ I'd love you to love me

♪ I'm beggin' you to beg me

♪ Shine up my old brown shoes

♪ I put on a brand-new shirt

♪ I'll get home
early from work

♪ If you say that you love me

♪ Didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'?

♪ Oh, didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'?

♪ Feelin' all alone
without a friend
you know you feel like dyin'

♪ Oh, didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'?

♪ Hey!

♪ Feelin' all alone
without a friend
you know you feel like dyin'

♪ Oh, didn't I, didn't I
didn't I see you cryin'

♪ I want you to want me

♪ I need you to need me

♪ I'd love you to love me

♪ I'm beggin' you to beg me

♪ I want you to want me

♪ I want you to want me ♪

No offense.
I know everyone "digs"
your sister and all, but, um,

she's without.

You know,
you're not as vile
as I thought you were.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You suck.

Okay. Let's go!

You're just messin'
with me, aren't you?

No, I'm really looking
forward to doing it.

Go see Miss Perky.

What?
Go. Perky's. Go, now.

DIRECTOR: Once again.
"Perky, now"
is the second one.

Perky's now.
Perky's, now.
Right away.

Now, Perky's.
Hey, hey.

Now, Perky's. Perky's now.
At the beginning of the shot.

Perk... Oh.

Bianca, let's go.
We're all congregating
around Mr. Cuervo.

Um, I'll see you
around, okay?

Don't worry.
There's better for you,

and it's right here.

Come here.
No, I wanted you
for so long.

(CREW LAUGHING)

You messed
with the wrong guy,
and now you're gonna pay.

You and that
little bitch.

All right,
that's enough, okay!
You crossed the line.

What, are you kidding me?

(BLEEPING)

I'm driving,
so I pick the tunes.

And it's my car.

(SCREAMING)

I want some coffee!

Could I get
a prophylactic?

A prophylactic. Ah!

Let go!
How could you set
me up like that?

Oh, God, I just wanted...

To completely damage me,
send me to therapy forever?

Ow! No, I just wanted...
Ladies.

(WHIMPERING)

Shall we go to my office?
Tout de suite!

Tout de suite!

Oh, my God!