01x18 - Dennis and the Duck

[bunniefuu]

-Please, mom!

-Dennis, if I do, will you
promise to stop pestering me?

-Sure!

-All right.

-Tell him one of
them isn't even mine.

And tell him I looked
all over, and that

must be the place they are.
And tell him--

-Henry Mitchell, please.

Now, remember, you promised.

Henry, Alice.

-Hi honey, what's up?

-Henry, would you
look and see if there

are a couple of frogs
in your briefcase?

-What?

[music playing]

-Dennis!

Your duck's in my garden again.

-I'll get it Mr. Wilson.

I want that Duck
kept out of here.

How many times must
I tell you that?

-Jeepers, I guess he
just likes it over here.

-I'll say he likes it.

According to that duck,
my yard's a cafeteria.

Look at him.

He's eating all my seedlings.

-I'll get him, Mr. Wilson.

[quacking]

-Hey, why don't me and you
train him to eat weeds?

Why don't we do that, huh?

-No, I don't like that duck/ And
I don't want him around here.

-Does it still hurt you where
he bit you this morning?

-Yes, it does.

-Why don't you try
sitting on a pillow.

-After I talk to your
father, young man,

you're the one that's
going to need the pillow.

[music playing]

-You got to stop
biting people, George.

Mr. Wilson was plenty mad.

[quacking]

-Shh!

Mom might here you.

And I got to sneak
you upstairs again.

[music playing]

-Is that you, Dennis?

-Yes, Mom!

-Dennis, what have I told
you about your roller skates?

-You told me not to
skate in the street.

-Well, that too.

But I also told you
not to leave them

in the middle of the back porch.

-Oh.

-Now, you go right out
there and put them away.

-You mean the next
time I go out that way.

-I mean right now.

-Aren't you coming with me?

-Well, no, I have
the vacuuming to do.

-Do I hear something
boiling over in the kitchen?

-Oh my goodness!

-I'm home!

Oh, hi, son.

How's my boy?

-Jeepers, you're home early.

I bet you want to tell
Mom about your game.

She's in the kitchen.

-Dennis, there was nothing
boiling-- oh, hi dear.

-Hi, honey.
-How was your game?

-Miserable, I was so hot we
could only play nine holes.

-You know what I found out?

It's a lot cooler
in the basement.

Why don't you and Mom go down
there and cool off for a while?

-No, thanks.

I'll go in and
relax on the sofa.

-Dennis, what did I tell
you about your skates?

-But Mom!

-Right now.

-OK.

-Are you gonna run
that old vacuum

while Dad's trying to get some
peace and quiet around here?

-That's all right, honey.

-No, Dennis is right.

I just wasn't thinking.
Come on, Dennis.

-Thank you, honey.

-Gosh, poor old Mom.

I bet her back hurts from
carrying all that heavy stuff.

Doing the wash, and
ironing, and scrubbing

the floor, and all that stuff.

-Honey, let me
carry that for you.

-Thank you, dear.

[music playing]

[quacking]

-Shh!

[music playing]

MR. WILSON

I've been waiting
for you to get home!

-What on Earth?

-Come on in, Mr. Wilson!

[yelling]

-Oh my goodness!

-Are you all right, Mr. Wilson?

-I ought to sue you.

I really ought to
sue you, Mitchell.

-Oh, now Mr. Wilson.
-But I won't.

You know why?

Because I'm sorry for you.

You have to live with him.

-Oh, Mr. Wilson, we're
so terribly sorry.

-What kind of a place is
this to leave roller skates?

Why don't you have
him put them away?

-I've told him, and told
him to put them away.

-Come on in, Mr. Wilson.

-Oh, for heaven's sake.

Oh, look at this.

Oh, Martha gave that to me on
our last wedding anniversary.

It was the coolest
pipe I ever owned.

-I'm sorry about
that, Mr. Wilson.

I'd like to pay for a new one.

-Oh, sure, that's easy to say.

Then I'd have to break it in.

-I don't know what
else I can do.

-Well, you can do one thing.

You can keep that
duck out of my yard.

-Duck?

-What duck?

-Dennis' duck.

-I think you'd better
sit down, Mr. Wilson.

-Oh, thank you.

Well, what are you going
to do about the duck.

-Frankly, Mr. Wilson, we don't
know what you're talking about.

-I'm talking about
Dennis' duck, the one he's

been carrying around the
neighborhood for the last three

or four days.

-I think you must be
mistaken, Mr. Wilson.

-Well, I certainly
haven't seen it.

-You haven't seen it?

He carries it
around in a carton.

I've seen him carry the
carton into this house.

-I assure you, Mr. Wilson, if
Dennis has been keeping a duck,

we'd know about it.

-You've had a bad
fall, Mr. Wilson.

And perhaps--

-I am not suffering
from concussion.

Why, that duck even bit me.

I was working on my
tuberous begonias

and he bit me on my back pocket.

-I'm sorry he bit
you, Mr. Wilson, but--

-And then when I tried to
drive him off with my rake,

he snarled at me.

-Ducks don't snarl, Mr. Wilson.

They quack.

-This one snarls.

And he's been trying
to get at my goldfish.

Why, he even att*cked, Fremont.

That poor dog hid
under the porch

until Dennis came
and got the duck.

-Be reasonable, Mr. Wilson.

If this duck is as
vicious as you say,

how could a little boy
like Dennis handle him?

-I don't know.

There's something
weird about it.

I think Dennis and that
duck can communicate.

-Boy, there's sure
a lot of noise.

Whoops, I'm going to
go pick up my room.

-Dennis, come back here.

-Mom asked me to do it, Dad.

And I just haven't
gotten around to it.

-You also haven't gotten
around to picking up

your roller skates.

And Mr. Wilson fell over them.

-Gee, I'm sorry you fell
over my skates, Mr. Wilson.

-Dennis, do you know
anything about a duck?

-You mean do they lay eggs?

-I mean do you have one?

-A duck?
-Yeah.

-What color?

-Any color.

-It's white.

-What color feet?

-Yellow.

-Dennis, stop it.

If you have a duck,
I want you to say so.

-OK, I guess I have one.
-Aha!

You see?

-Where in the world
did you get a duck?

-From Charlie Spencer.

He moved to New York
and he had this swell

duck left over from last Easter.

So he gave it to me.

-Dennis, you should have
asked permission to keep it.

-I started to.

Don't you remember?

You were in the living
room reading the paper.

And I said, Dad,
do you like ducks?

And you said, they're delicious.

-Is that why you
kept it a secret?

-Sure, I didn't
want Dad to eat him.

-Son, you know we
wouldn't eat a pet duck.

-Huh, I would.

-Jeepers!

I want you to like
him, Mr. Wilson.

You know what I named him?

George, after you.

-I don't want it named after me.

-You're my best
friend, Mr. Wilson.

-I don't want to be
your best friend.

-Don't you like me, Mr. Wilson?

-Oh, sure, Dennis.

You're a nice kid.

I mean, you're not
malicious, I don't think.

It's just that
you're such a jinx.

Every time you show
up there's chaos.

And I'm not a young man, Dennis.

And I can't stand it.

-I've been saving
a feather for you.

-What?

-It's to put in your hat.

-Well, now, well,
thank you, Dennis.

You're a nice little boy.

But you just keep that
duck out of my yard.

-We'll see that he
does, Mr. Wilson.

-You know, I don't
know why it is.

But I always come out of
these things with the feeling

that I've lost.

-Did you pick up
the other skate?

[yelling]

[music playing]

-Well, there we are, Dennis.

I'm sure George will
be a lot happier here

than he was up in your closet.

-He sure is, boy!

Good old George thinks this
is swell, don't you George?

[quacking]

-Dennis, there's
just one thing I

want you to be sure
you understand.

That duck must not
leave our property.

So be very careful and
keep this gate closed.

-OK, Dad, I'll be
real careful with him.

-Especially be careful that
he doesn't bother Mr. Wilson.

You know how upset he got.

-Yeah, he sure fell
down, didn't he?

-I don't mean that.

I meant about the duck.

By the way, what have you been
doing about food for George?

-I've been giving him snails.

-What?

-Old Charlie Spencer says
that's their favorite recipe.

So I tried them out and
George just loves them.

I got a whole box of
them over by the fence.

-You better go get some.

-I think it's about
George's lunch time.

-OK.

[music playing]

-Jeepers, Dad!

The box was tipped over
and all of them ran away!

Every one of them!

-I guess you'll just have to
go out and collect some more.

-You want to help me?

-Sorry, son, I still have
my newspaper to read.

-OK.

Thanks for building the fence.

-That's all right.

-You hungry, George?

[quacking]

-OK, I'll get you some
food just as fast as I can.

-Martha, there's the
most astonishing thing

in our backyard.

I went out to feed the goldfish.

And I found a great, huge
milling mass of snails.

-What's so astonishing
about that?

You've been finding them
in the yard for years.

-Oh, Martha, I love you
for your womanly qualities.

But you haven't a
scientific mind.

When do I find them?

-Why, in the evening, when they
come out and eat your plants.

-Precisely, my dear.

And in our backyard, I have
discovered a new species

that comes out in the hot sun.

And furthermore,
they travel in herds.

-Oh, George, really.

-I intend to write
a scientific paper

to read before the garden club.

-Well, how can you
write a scientific paper

when you haven't the evidence?

-But Martha, my dear,
I have the evidence.

In our backyard, there
are hundreds of snails.

And they are
traveling in a herd.

-Nonsense.

-At this very moment, they're
over by the fence grazing.

I've got to hurry.

-Where are you going?

-I'm going to collect my light
meter, tripod, portrait camera,

film, and filters, go out in the
yard, and record the evidence.

[quacking]

-Martha, I want to be sure
these pictures turn out.

So I'm using a very
expensive film.

It's a ultra fine grain
super panchromatic quadruple

x high speed.

-High speed for snails?

-Oh, it's technical, Martha,
you wouldn't understand.

Why, this film is so
sensitive you can practically

take pictures in the dark.

To load my camera, I
have to go in the closet.

I tell you, the slightest
ray of light could ruin it.

[door bell]

-Hi, Mrs. Wilson.

Is Mr. Wilson home?

-Yes, Dennis, come in.

-He's in the closet.

-He is?

Hey, Mr. Wilson,
olly, olly oxen free!

MR. WILSON (OFFSCREEN): Oh no.
-He isn't hiding, Dennis.

-Are you looking for your
overcoat, Mr. Wilson?

MR. WILSON (OFFSCREEN): No.

-Your bowling ball?

MR. WILSON (OFFSCREEN): No,
I'm not looking for anything.

-Are you sulking?

MR. WILSON (OFFSCREEN):
Great Scott.

I'm loading my
camera in the dark.

-Oh.

Is this better?

[yelling]

-He did it again.

-It happened so fast
I couldn't stop it.

-What's this, Mr. Wilson?

-That was a $ . roll of film.

-You got cheated.

None of your pictures came out.

-Dennis, what do you want?

-Mr. Wilson, is it OK if I go
out in your yard and hunt for--

-Absolutely not!

You're not even going
to set foot in my yard.

-OK, I guess you're
afraid I'll step

in the flower beds,
huh, Mr. Wilson?

-No, that isn't it.

-Oh, then maybe
because it's so hot,

you're afraid I
might go swimming

in your fish pond again?

-Just get rid of him and then
go bring me my nerve medicine.

Super panchromatic,
quadruple x, $ . worth.

Martha, will you hurry?

Come on!

I want to take them
when the light's good.

-I don't see why
you really need me.

-Because I want to
get the focus perfect.

You can hold one end
of the tape measure.

I-- Martha, the duck!

He's eating the snails!

[quacking]
-Shoo!

Go on!

Get out of here!

[quacking]

-And so the duck
has just got to go.

-Now, Mr. Wilson.

-Now, let me just run over
what that duck has done.

He dug holes in my lawn.

He bit me.

He ate most of my goldfish.

He's made a nervous
wreck out of my dog.

And he robbed me the
presidency of the garden club.

-What?

-I was going to write a paper
on a scientific curiosity which

would have given me great
standing as a gardener

and naturalist.

Before I could do it, that
blasted duck ate the evidence.

-I'm sorry about
that, Mr. Wilson.

Honey, I guess we'll just
have to get rid of it.

-Couldn't we give the
duck just one more chance?

I'm sure Dennis will
keep it locked up.

-Now, Mrs. Mitchell,
maybe I didn't

make quite clear the
extent of the damage.

Now, those goldfish
were very valuable.

I bred them myself and
raised them from the eggs.

Now, there were
only couple left.

And I don't want to lose those.

-All right, Mr. Wilson, I guess
we'll have to get rid of it.

[music playing]

-All I ask is that Dennis
understand why it's necessary.

-Tell him the duck is vicious.

-I can't do that.

I'll just explain that
the duck will be happier

at the lake and the park.

There will be
other ducks around.

-Of course it'll be happier.

And so will I.

-The park is only
three blocks away.

Dennis could go to see it.

-Hi!

-Hello, son.

We want to talk to you.

Go ahead.

-You go ahead.

-You tell him, Mr. Wilson.

-He's your son.

-All right.

-Excuse me.

-Boy, there goes the best mom
in the whole world, huh Dad?

-That's right, son.

But I--

-And you know why she's the
best mom in the whole world?

Because she's a mom.
-All right, son--

-Moms, do you think
they're swell, too?

-Moms.

-I want to talk to
you about the duck.

-Oh, you mean George?

I think he's going
to be a mother.

He's out there with a
whole nest full of eggs.

-What?
-Great Scott!

[music playing]

-See, there they are.

-I don't know.

They look awfully
small for duck eggs.

-Mr. WIlson, look how many
he-- I mean she-- laid.

Under the circumstances,
I don't see

how we can move her to the park.

-If that f*ck is going
to hatch these eggs,

he's going to get frost bitten.
Why, they're ice cold.

-They are?

I wonder how George happened
to lay ice cold eggs.

-You got these eggs out
of the refrigerator,

didn't you Dennis?

-OK, yes.

-All right, take
them back right away.

-I'll get the carton.

It's on the porch.

But if you did George away,
you can just give me away, too.

-Look, Mitchell, now
that Dennis is gone,

why don't we grab the
duck and jump in my car?

Why, we can have him at
the lake in three minutes.

-I can't do it, Mr. Wilson.

-Of course you can.

Put on gloves.

And if he bites it won't hurt.
-That's not what I mean.

I can't do it to Dennis.

He's at least got to have
a chance to say goodbye.

-Well, then will you do
it when Dennis gets back?

-Maybe we ought to
give him a few days

to get used to the idea.

Up until now I hadn't
realized how important

that duck was to him.

-I warn you, Mitchell,
if you go get rid

of that confounded duck, I will!

[music playing]

[music playing]

-That man.

-Well, Martha,
the traps all set.

-George that trap is ridiculous.

And you know it.

-It is not.

It's diabolically clever.

I baited it with some of those
seedlings that duck relishes.

-How are you going to pull
the string from in here?

-Ah, that's the cleverest part.

You see, I hung a cluster of
those seedlings from a string.

Now, when the ducks pulls on
that, that trips the stick.

Down comes the box.

And I hear the bell.

-What are you going to do
with him if you catch him?

-Well, when I catch him,
I'll take him to the lake.

[bell ringing]

-Oh, when will you learn to

I've already captured him.

Say, how would you like to
take a little drive over

to the lake with me?

-No, thank you.

I don't approve of this at all.

[music playing]

[growling]

-Who said ducks don't snarl?

[growling]

-Fremont, what are
you doing in there?

[bark]

[music playing]

-For heaven's sakes,
George, You're a mess.

-I've been up in
the attic, Martha.

-In your good slacks?

-This was an emergency.

I went up there to find this.

-What is it?

-This is my old duck call.

Hunters use them to lure ducks.

In my day, I was known as the
best duck caller in the state.

An old Indian guide taught me.

-What are you going
to do with it?

-I am going to lure Dennis'
duck out of his yard,

and over to the
lake in the park.

It's a cinch.

If Mitchell won't
settle this thing,

I'm going to solve
this once and for all.

-That's a silly way to do it.

-You'll see, my dear.

Ducks always found my
technique irresistible.

[quacking]

-If you're going to
make that silly noise,

go outside with it.

-And have Dennis see me?

Oh no.

I'm going to wait until the
duck comes into our guard.

And then I'll go out and
lure him down the sidewalk

and into the lake.

[quacking]

-This is the most ridiculous
thing you've done yet.

[quacking]

[quacking]

-Dennis, that duck of yours is
making an awful lot of noise.

-That's not George.

That's some other duck.

My duck got all excited and
tried to get out of the garage.

So I locked the garage door.

[quacking]

-Will you stop it now?

The duck isn't coming.

-It'll come.

You'll see!

I'll just blow a little louder.

[quacking]

-George, don't just stand there!

Catch them and
take them outside!

[quacking]
-Whoa!

-Martha!

Come here!

Look!

-Hey, Mr. Wilson!

Isn't this swell?