04x27 - The Uninvited Guest

[bunniefuu]

-Here's your muffler, dear.

-Oh, honey, I'm not

going to the arctic.

I'm only going to New

York for a day or two.

-Well, it does

get a little cold.

-Hey, Mom, Dad.

The morning paper just

came in, and look it.

-"Phantom Burglar

strikes again."

Oh, my goodness.

-"The Arthur P. Morris residence

at Oak Street was broken

into and robbed of approximately

$ , in valuables last

night."

Well, honey, that's the fourth

robbery in the last three weeks

in this neighborhood.

I don't know that I

ought to go and leave you

and Dennis alone like this.

-Oh now, Henry,

you know Mr. Wilson

promised to keep an eye on us.

-Sure.

And don't forget, I'll be

here as the man of the house

to protect Mom, too.

-That's right, dear.

-OK, man of the house,

I'm depending on you

to see that all the windows

and doors are securely

locked at night.

TOMMY (OFFSCREEN): Hey, Dennis.

-I'll be right there, Tommy!

Don't you worry, Dad.

No dumb old robber's

gonna bother Mom

while a noisy kid

like me's around.

[theme music]

-And while my dad's in

New York on business,

I'm gonna be the

man of the house.

-At our house,

that just means you

have to take out the garbage.

-Not here, Tommy.

I gotta protect my mom in

case the Phantom Burglar

comes around.

-Gee, Dennis, in case you

need any extra help protecting

your mom your pop's away,

you can count on me.

-Me too.

We'll clobber him.

-Aw, Seymour, what could

you do to a big mean robber?

-I could bite him.

-Here, dear, you forgot this.

-What's that, a

kit for snakebite?

-It's your cuff links.

I put them all in one box.

-Oh, thank you, honey.

-Hey, Dad, your taxi's here.

-Oh.

I'll be right out.

-Now, dear, please be careful,

and don't get in any drafts.

-Aye, aye, sir.

I won't even let them open

a window on the plane.

-Gee, when my dad

leaves the house,

he just pats my mom on the head.

-My dad just pats the dog.

[taxi honks]

-Coming.

-We'll take them for you, Dad.

Hey, Dad, do you have

any more thoughts

through those

magazines I'm trying

to sell to get a free bicycle?

-Yes, I have.

And they're terrible.

So long, son.

-Bye, Dad.

-Be a good boy.

Bye, fellas.

-Bye, Mr. Mitchell.

-Are you gonna

bring me something?

-Listen, Seymour, why should

my dad bring you something?

-Maybe he likes me.

-Aw, come on, you guys.

Let's play cops and robbers.

-But she is resting comfortably?

Oh, thank goodness.

[door opens]

Hey, Mom--

-Dennis, please.

I'm on the phone.

All right, Mrs. Malby, I'll get

up there as soon as possible.

-Well, up where as

soon as possible, Mom?

-That was Grandma Mitchell's

next-door neighbor, dear.

Grandma fell and hurt her leg.

-Jeepers, she did?

-Well, fortunately

not badly, but I

feel we should get up there

and see what we can do.

Now, let's see.

If we hurry, we can just

make the : train.

-Jeepers, I can't go, Mom.

I gotta be here for my

basketball game tomorrow.

-Oh, dear.

Well, what am I

going to do with you?

-Well, I'll stay here and

be the man of the house.

-Dennis, you can't stay

here all by yourself.

-Sure, I can.

I'm no little kid anymore.

-Dennis, please.

Uh, hello.

Eloise?

This is Alice.

I'm afraid I have

something of a problem.

-Well, what sort

of problem, dear?

Oh, of course he can, Alice.

-Oh, thank you, Eloise.

You're staying with the

Wilsons tonight, dear.

-Oh boy.

Maybe when Mr.

Wilson gets sleepy,

I'll be able to sell

him some magazines.

-Well, the only

trouble is, Alice,

I've been sleeping in the

guest room because of this cold

I'm getting over.

Oh, but Dennis can sleep

with John in our room.

No, dear, I'm sure

John don't mind.

-Won't mind what, Eloise?

-If Dennis sleeps in

your room tonight.

-No, I won't mind.

What?!

-He says it sounds

like fun, Alice.

-Just a darn minute, Eloise.

-Bye, bye, dear.

Have a nice trip.

-Eloise Wilson, are you out

of your cotton-picking mind?

-Now, John, this

is an emergency.

-Emergency?

I don't care if the

sun has left its orbit

and threatens to roast

us alive by midnight.

That boy is not--

-Now, dear.

Now, dear.

Henry's mother hurt

her leg, and Alice

has to have some place to

leave Dennis while she's away,

because Henry's

out of town, too.

-What's wrong with their house?

-Now, dear, you can't leave

a boy Dennis' age alone.

-Why not?

She could tie him

up or something.

-John.

-Eloise, that kid is not

resting his pointed little head

next to mine tonight.

And that is final!

-Gee, this sure is a

swell bed, Mrs. Wilson.

-Well, thank you, dear.

Glad you like it.

Goodnight, John.

-Goodnight, dear.

-Oh, by the way, dear, if

you get hungry in the night,

just go downstairs and pick

something for yourself.

-Oh boy, what kind of something?

-Oh, any kind of something

you find in the refrigerator.

-Try to leave the light bulb.

We just got a new one last week.

-John.

Night.

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Night.

-Goodnight.

-Those sample magazines of

mine are pretty swell, huh,

Mr. Wilson?

-Dennis, these are the worst,

most idiotic publications

I have ever seen.

"I Was Hanged Though Innocent,

and Other Family Stories.

Weird confessions

featuring, I was

a teenage great-grandfather?"

-By the way, there's a

special this week only,

a lifetime subscription

to any five

magazines for $ .

a week for years.

- years?

-And if you die

before the time is up,

the magazines will keep

coming to your next of kin,

for no extra charge.

-Dennis, let's go to sleep.

-Goodnight, Mr. Wilson.

MR. WILSON (OFFSCREEN):

Goodnight, Dennis.

-Goodnight, Sam.

-Goodnight, Sam.

[frog croak]

-Sam?

Dennis?

Is that frog in this room?

-Yes, sir.

He's in a shoebox

underneath my bed.

But he won't be any bother.

Sam's one frog who

sleeps like a horse.

-Dennis, get that slimy

creature out of this bedroom.

-OK, Mr. Wilson.

Come on, Sam.

[frog croak]

-Sam won't bother you

anymore, Mr. Wilson.

I put him out in the hall.

-That's fine.

-Mr. Wilson, it sure is a good

thing we're such close friends,

huh?

-Yes, it is.

Now let's get some sleep.

-Hey, what do you

want me to do if I

hear the Phantom

Burglar downstairs?

-Tell him to be quiet.

-Let's see.

Got my flashlight, my

handcuffs, and my water g*n

that looks like a real

one, just in case.

Are you getting a little

hungry, Mr. Wilson?

I am.

[snoring]

[clanging]

-Operator, get me the police.

[phone ringing]

-All right, all right.

[phone ringing]

-Police department,

Lieutenant Wheeler speaking.

Phantom Burglar?

You mean you're calling

to give yourself up?

-I'm not the Phantom Burglar.

He's downstairs.

I'm John Wilson.

-Oh yeah.

Yeah, right away, Mr. Wilson.

-- yeah.

Uh, yes.

Yeah.

Car , car , come in.

Car , come in.

Mooney, wake up, you fathead.

-Somebody call me?

-Somebody call me?

Of course somebody called you.

Mooney, were you eating again?

-Who, me?

Of course not, Lieutenant.

-Well, get right

down to Elm.

There's a prowler report.

And proceed with

caution, or you're

liable to sh**t

yourself by mistake.

-Yes, sir.

-And, Mooney, try and

stay away for a change.

-Yes, sir.

-Eloise, Eloise, wake up.

-What is it, John?

-Shh.

Somebody downstairs.

-What?!

[clanging]

-Listen.

-Are you sure it isn't Dennis?

-I forgot all about Dennis.

Dennis.

I might have known.

-Hi.

You people get hungry, too?

-We're not quite yet, dear.

-Dennis, the next time you get

up, I wish you'd let me know.

-John!

Someone went past the window.

-It's someone with a flashlight.

-Golly.

I betcha it's the

Phantom Burglar.

-Shh.

-He's sneaking past the house.

-Jo-- John, would

you be careful?

-Ooh.

All right, who did that?

Oh.

Ugh.

-Mooney, what are

you doing here?

-What am I doing here?

Getting a lump as big as an

egg, that's what I'm doing.

-Hi, Sergeant Mooney.

-Hello, Dennis.

Look, John, what's

going on around here?

Did you or did you not call

up and report a prowler?

-Uh, well, uh, yes, I did.

But it turned out

to be a mistake.

-A mistake, he says.

what am I supposed to do

with this lump on my head?

-Would you like some

coffee, Sergeant Mooney?

-No thanks, Mrs. Wilson.

-Oh.

Uh, you come inside

with me, Dennis.

[frog croak]

-Oh, for Pete's sake.

Get in there and be quiet.

[frog croak]

-Uh.

That does it.

Ouch!

[frog croak]

-Jeepers, Sam.

How did you get in there?

[frog croak]

-Now stay in there.

You understand?

[clanging]

-Uh-oh, the Phantom Burglar.

Mr. Wilson?

Mr. Wils-- jeepers, betcha

he's got Mr. Wilson.

All right, who's ever

there, stick 'em up!

-What?

Uh, ow.

-Don't try and get away.

-Wh-- who's that?

-Jeepers, is that

you, Mr. Wilson?

-Oh, Dennis, for

heaven's sake, stop

flashing that light in my

face and go back to bed.

-Gee, I'm sorry, Mr. Wilson.

I thought you were

the Phantom Burglar.

-I might just as well be, for

all the sleep I'm getting.

-Wasn't your bed upstairs

comfortable, Mr. Wilson?

-Yes, it's comfortable.

I'm just afraid of

sleeping in high places.

Now please go to bed.

-Hey!

There's one magazine

I forgot to show ya.

It's called The Mountain

Climber's Gazette.

-All right, all right, you win.

I'll take one magazine

from you for six months,

if you'll promise not to bother

me for the rest of the night.

-Oh boy.

Thanks, Mr. Wilson.

Which magazine?

-I don't care.

You pick one out

and surprise me.

And now goodnight,

for the th time.

-Goodnight, Mr. Wilson.

And don't you worry, I won't

bother you again tonight

unless I hear funny noises

or you call out for help.

[dennis' footsteps upstairs]

-Is everything all right, dear?

-Everything's

swell, Mrs. Wilson.

Except poor Mr. Wilson's having

one of those sleepless nights

we all go through at times.

He's trying to

sleep on the sofa.

-Dennis, I thought I--

-John Wilson, now what do

you think you're doing?

-Eloise, I have decided

to go to the Mitchell's.

-To the Mitchell's?

-That's right, to

the Mitchell's.

Since Dennis insists on sleeping

in my room, I'm going over

and sleep in his.

-John, really.

-Don't try to stop me, Eloise.

I'm going to get a night's

sleep if it kills me.

-Oh, John.

Ugh.

-Alligator, blech.

Trapped.

Oh, no.

-Golly.

There's somebody in my room.

Operator, get me the police.

[phone ringing]

-All right.

All right.

Lieutenant Wheeler speaking.

Are you sure?

Yeah, Elm.

Hey, wait a minute.

Isn't that-- oh, I see.

It's right next door to

the-- the Wilson house.

Yeah.

All right, little boy.

Just don't do anything

until somebody gets there.

Car , car , come in.

Wake up, Mooney.

We've got a Phantom

Burglar report.

-Oh, not again.

-Psst, Sergeant Mooney.

-Dennis, don't do that.

What's this about

a phantom burglar?

-Yeah, somebody up

there, all right.

-It can't be my folks, either.

They're both out of town.

-Yeah, the MO fits.

Skeleton key still in the lock.

-How can you tell

it's a skeleton key?

-Experience, my boy.

Experience.

Now, you stay behind.

Keep out of my way.

This is police work.

[footsteps]

-Phantom Burglar.

-We got you surrounded.

Close in on him, men.

[whistles]

[clutter falling]

-Don't you move!

-Ah, well, well, if

it isn't John Wilson,

public nighttime

nuisance number one.

-Smile, John, you're

on "Candid Camera."

[laughs]

-Oh, Mooney.

[phone rings]

-I wonder who that is.

[phone rings]

-Hello?

Oh, oh, it's you, Eloise.

-Dear, is Dennis over there?

-Yes, he is.

Also our friend Sergeant Mooney.

-Oh, thank goodness.

When I peeked in his room and

found his bed empty, I-- what's

Sergeant Mooney

doing over there?

-Well, haven't you heard?

We're having a pajama party.

-Dear, may I suggest--

[bump]

--[gasps] John, I think

there's somebody downstairs.

-Lock yourself in

your room, Eloise.

We'll be right over.

Mooney, the Phantom

Burglar is at my house.

-There's somebody

I can see his light.

-Let's nab him.

-You stay out here, Dennis.

-That's right, Dennis.

The man in there is no

doubt a vicious criminal.

-Here.

Here are my keys.

Waiting for him

to die of old age?

-Don't rush me.

Don't rush me.

-You got your g*n?

-Of course I got my g*n.

I wish I had the b*ll*ts for it.

-My coin collection.

-Stop in the name of the law!

Come on, John.

Let's grab him.

-Here, here.

There he goes.

All right.

[yelling and banging]

-Come on.

Somebody turn on the lights.

-May I have the next dance?

-Mooney.

I might have known.

-Stop shoving.

For heaven's sake.

-Dennis.

-He caught him.

-He caught the Phantom Burglar.

-With my water g*n.

-Dennis.

-A water g*n.

Caught by a little

boy with a water g*n.

Oh, I should live so long.

-You will, about

years in Alcatraz.

I'll take over now, Dennis.

-Are you really the

Phantom Burglar?

-Oh, for goodness sake.

Can't you tell?

-Come on along.

I forgot my cuffs.

-It figures.

-For goodness sake, what

kind of a police department

are you running in this town?

No handcuffs?

Children with water g*ns?

-Now see here, you,

whatever your name is--

-My friends call me Horace.

-Here you are, Sergeant Mooney.

You can use mine.

-Little boy, haven't you caused

enough trouble for one night?

-Thanks, Dennis.

John, I have to

drive, so I'm going

to handcuff this fella to

you so he won't get away

while I'm bringing him in.

-Me?

Why me?

-Now, if the sergeant

needs your help, dear.

-I'll do it, Sergeant Mooney.

-Well, for heaven's

sake, come on.

Don't you people realize I

haven't had a wink of sleep

yet?

-All right.

Anything so we can

all get back to bed.

-Hey, Sergeant Mooney, I

just thought of something.

-Here, now he won't get away.

-He won't, but neither

will Mr. Wilson.

-What are you talking

about, Dennis?

-I just remembered, I don't

have a key for the handcuffs.

-Oh, no.

-[LAUGHS

-Amateurs, hmm.

I just knew something

like this would happen.

-Not to worry, Mr.

Wilson, I'll stay here

and take care of your house and

mine, too, until you get out

of jail, no matter

how long it takes ya.

-Oh, for crying out loud.

[theme music]