02x37 - Welcome to the Darth Side

[bunniefuu]

:

Oh, no. You don't wanna do that.

Yes, she does. (Gasping)

That ruffle skirt looks so fetch.

(Giggling)

(Gasping) Are you demented?

That skirt was like two sizes too small.

Do you mind?

We're trying to break last month's sales record.

(Door opening)

So wrong.

What's your damage, Nikki?

You're supposed to be selling.

Just look what she's wearing.

Ew.

Ugh. Huh?

They're breeding.

Oh, do you know what outfit would be so great on you?

The wide leg crop pants with the lavender t*nk?

(Gasping) You must have, like, ESPN.

(Giggling) I'm here to drop off my resume.

I'm Kirsten. This is Kristen.

And that's Chrissy.

Hi!

Hi!

BOTH: Hi!

Oh, my gosh!

Those are such cute capris, Kristen.

Oh, no. I love your skirt.

KIRSTEN: Me too.

Chrissy, don't you just love Ashley's skirt?

It's so, totally cute. Way off the cute-o-meter.

We love meeting people just like us.

You're like, exactly like us.

(Giggling)

I know, right?

(Squealing)

Enough! (Screaming)

Ugh, have a cow. Why don't you?

Oh, I know. She has like cows a week.

♪

♪ Life begins after school

♪ That's when we bend all the rules ♪

♪ Time to hang with all my friends ♪

♪ We like to be together

♪ In a place where we belong

♪ I'm startin' to find my way ♪

♪ Got a new job Gonna start at the mall today ♪

♪ Thank God I'm on my own for the first time ♪

♪ I'm Teen Life is sweet ♪

♪ When you're growin' up so fast ♪

♪ You gotta make the good times last ♪

♪

♪ I'm

♪ I'm Teen

♪

♪ Gotta make the good times last ♪

♪

There's a fourth clone hanging out at The Barn now.

And to top it off, the low slung denim capris just came in.

Yuck.

Ooh. Are they dark wash or vintage?

Good morning, Princess.

Ugh.

Yo, what's up?

Hey! What's with the bag?

Chocolate covered jelly beans.

And you guys all have to buy some.

Uh-uh. Sounds nasty.

It's team fundraising week.

Whoever raises the most money wins new equipment.

I've already picked out my snowboard.

New equipment, huh?

Fine, I'll take one.

Mm, these are--

Disgusting.

RON: What's going on here, punks?

Chocolate-covered jelly beans.

Would you like to buy some to support my snowboarding team?

Do they come in a yellow and red striped box

with black writing?

I don't believe it.

Those are the beans I had in my boyhood days.

What's he doing?

Mm. Hm.

I'll take two boxes.

But let's be clear about one thing.

I'm not supporting your little cause.

Uh, okay.

And don't think I don't know what you're up to, maggots.

Mm.

(Snoring) DARTH: Hello, Nikki.

(Screaming)

Oh, what's up, Yoda?

You're looking ravishing today.

I thought we've been over this.

Give up hope? A Jedi never does.

But here to see you, I am not.

She likes me.

Can't get enough of the dark side if you know what I mean?

That's great, Darth. Listen.



I've got folding to do.

I'll be browsing women's knits.

♪

(Tsking)

Hm.

♪

(Gasping)

Darth and Chrissy? What do we have here?

CHRISSY: I told you never to come here!

DARTH: How else was I supposed to know how to get to your house?

Her house?

Shh!

If anyone ever finds out I'm a member of the Jedi Knight Club,

I'll die of embarrassment.

Afraid of your Jedi heritage you should not be.

(Laughing)

Whoa!

(Gasping)

Oops! Hi, uh.

I'm just looking for the, uh, the new vintage wash.

Oh, who am I kidding? (Laughing)

Listen to me, Nikki.

If you ever tell anyone about this, you're so fired.

Okay. Okay, okay.

(Clearing throat) I promise.

(Laughing) (Gasping)

(Laughing) You guys are crazy.

(Laughing) The Jedi Knight Club?

Chrissy? I know.

I think this is the best day of my life.

So, are you going to send out an Email to the whole school,

or save it for the morning announcements?

Trust me. I wish I could do both.

But I need this job, so do not say anything.

I mean it, Jonesy I understand.

You can't annoy the boss man. Gotta make the cheese.

The cheddar. The mozzarella.

NIKKI: Okay, we've got the point.

(Clearing throat) Which is why, as of today,

I'm selling the world's first environmentally friendly

plastic wrap on behalf of our school's senior hockey team.

Nikki, didn't you say you needed a box?

No.

Oh, because I thought I heard Chrissy telling me that you did.

Or was she telling her Jedi friends?

Extortionist.

Thank you.

Wait a minute. Oh, no you don't.

You cannot be competing for the grand prize.

I'm gonna enjoy all that new hockey equipment.

Oh, no, you're not, because I'm gonna win.

That sounds like a bet. Oh, it's a bet, all right.

I bet that I'll blow you away.

You're on.

Oh, here we go.

I'm here for the jelly beans.

COACH HALDER: No selling on the job, Masterson!

Except of course to me.

Mm, these are very good. Now, drop and give me .

(Sighing)

Big Squeeze, :.

Now!

♪

(Gasping) A-ha!

Jelly beans.

(Laughing)

And this is where we keep the refund slips

and the credit notes.

Oh, I so wish we could hire you.

She doesn't do anything around here.

She's got a point.

Yo, Chrissy, wanna buy some plastic wrap?

Why would I wanna do that?

Because you want to look like this.

(Giggling)

(Gasping) Ugh.

Laugh if you want, but cellophane's the new cashmere.

It's sheer, sexy, and doesn't breathe,

so you sweat off those extra pounds.

Really?

Yep, Lindsay Lohanigan wore cellophane

to the V-- Fashion Awards.

It's hot.

I'll take two. (Squealing)

I'm gonna make a plastic wrap poncho.

Oh, my gosh! Me too.

Unbelievable.

(Giggling)

(Gasping)

(Squealing)

It's also great for protecting things of value.

Like your vintage, original issue light sabre replica.

(Gasping)

A light what-icka?

Nothing. Forget I said anything.

Chrissy is not in Darth's Jedi Knight Club.

(Gasping)

Oh!

You're in a Star Wars club? Nikki!

Jonesy!



Oops.

You promised you'd keep your big mouth shut!

Come on, Chrissy. It's just Jonesy.

I'll tell you a ton of his embarrassing secrets.

JONESY: I heard that!

Nikki!

You back-stabbing, non-Khaki Barn wearing,

pain-in-my-butt jerk!

You're fired!

(Gasping)

(Excitedly gasping)

Ashley, you're hired.

(Squealing)

You sold Nikki out for plastic wrap?

It was an accident.

Well, your little accident means I have to find a new job.

WYATT: Don't worry.

If Jonesy can find a new job each week, so can you.

Hm, okay.

JULIE: You'll have to wear the taco hat

and learn the Wonder Taco anthem, you know.

♪ Feelin' hungry? Have no fear ♪

♪ Wonder Taco is always near

(Laughing)

(Clearing throat)

(Laughing)

(Grunting) Whoa!

COACH HALDER: Okay, Wong.

Tell me why I should hire you

if you can't even return a pansy little lob.

(Grunting)

We just got these in. Pink khakis.

Uh. (Sighing)

Well, I've never actually, you know, done a tattoo before,

but I can learn on the job, right?

(Growling)

(Sighing)

JUDE: Dude, check it out.

I was talking to this sweet babe

and she said she thinks you're cute.

Really? Who is she?

I didn't get her name, but I met her at the food court.

She eats a lot of chicken. I told her to drop by.

Here she comes now.

Ah! There's Lydia!

How'd you know her name? Freaky Lydia.

The one who stalked Jonesy. Ring a bell?

Hi, Jude. I'm here to see Wyatt.

Um, Wyatt and Jude aren't here right now.

Oh, okay.

Do you know when they'll be back?

Uh.

Hi, Wyatt!

I don't wanna burst your bubble, honey, but I'm Wayne.

I'm Lydia. I'm here for our date.

Look. I brought chicken nuggets.

Sweet.

Lydia thought Wayne was you, dude.

I don't know how, but I'm not complaining.

RON: Psst. (Gasping)

Over here. You got the stuff?

You got the cash? Give it to me.

Give it to me now. (Gasping)

(Voraciously eating)

To what do I owe this pleasure?

I need a job. You start now.

Here's your uniform.

(Squeaking)

NIKKI: Drop dead.

Ah, the power of the force is strong with this one.

(Heavily breathing)

Hi, Darth.

(Whimpering)

Ugh. This is the end.

No, only the beginning it is.

(Groaning)

(Groaning)

Darth is way worse than the clones.

What was I thinking?

(Sighing) I'm less employable than Jonesy.

Come on, guys. Darth isn't so bad.

Easy for you to say. He doesn't have a crush on you.

If you don't want Darth crushing on you,

all we need to do is find someone else for him to like.

You know, that's not a bad idea.

(Sniffling)

And I know just the girl.

(Heavily breathing)

(Shivering)

What are you doing with our sworn enemy?

A sale's a sale, Jonesy.

And I just unloaded a pack.

Well, you might as well quit now.

I was born to sell.

Besides, I've got much better people skills

and I'm better looking than you.

Oh, that is it. It is so on.

Bring it, baby.

Get your chocolate covered jelly beans here!

Yeah, if you want diarrhea.



Looking for something that's actually useful?

Buy my cellophane wrap. It's cheap.

And it leaks!

Good afternoon, Ma'am.

Support our high school snowboard team?

Her candy's made from car wax.

Hmpf.

Ladies, have I got a time saver for you.

Environmentally friendly too.

Observe!

This plastic wrap chokes small children.

(Screaming)

WOMAN: That's horrible.

(Crying)

This is high quality stuff, people.

Made from the very best, uh, stuff around.

Got a sweet tooth?

Get your delicious chocolate covered jelly beans right here.

They make great gifts. (Screaming)

Leave me alone, Jonesy.

Then go find another location to sell your crappy candy.

No way.

(Grunting)

(Screaming)

And this is where we keep the scientific calculators.

(Yawning)

Whoa! Back off, Jedi boy.

I hate to break it to you, but it's never going to happen.

Never?

Never.

Not a one in a million chance?

Let me put it in language that you'll understand.

There's a better chance that Obi Wan will join the Sith.

(Sighing) I see.

But, I have an even better idea.

Better than you and I making out

in the life-sized model of the Millennium Falcon?

Ew. Yes.

Caitlin and I are hooking you up with someone.

Who's the lucky girl?

What are we doing?

I thought you were setting me up with Julie!

CAITLIN: We are.

But first, we're giving you a makeover.

Ah, I don't know about this.

You want Julie to like you, right?

Yeah, but I think she already--

Just think of it as your transformation.

We all go through one.

It's not like Anakin became the dark lord overnight, right?

We're just gonna make you a little less you.

Who knows?

You might even turn out kind of hot.

Yeah, and then Julie won't be able to keep her hands off you.

All right, you may proceed with the hot-i-fication process.

♪

NIKKI: Cailtin! Oh.

(Coughing)

♪

BOTH: Hmm.

Uh. Oh.

Yes.

(Sighing)

♪

Look at her! She's hogging all the customers.

What a corporate social climber. I don't like her anymore.

It was your idea to hire her.

Ugh, was not. Was too!

ALL: Hmpf.

Ah, the clone wars have begun.

Here's your ear piece.

May the force be with you, Darth.

Hi, Darth. You look different.

I've got khakis.

WAYNE: Leave me alone.

I told you, you are not my girlfriend.

That doesn't mean we can't still go out.

(Screaming)

I can't do this any more.

Truce? Truce.

RON: Psst, psst.

Yo, jelly bean girl. I need to make another purchase.

I don't take plastic.

I'm outta cash. Then you're outta luck, copper.

This is an I.O.U. I'm good for it.

You show me the cash. I show you the goods.

Get it?

How 'bout you forget the cash, and show me your permit, punk.

My permit, eh? Do I need one?

Yes, yes, you do.

I'm arresting you for solicitation without a permit.

Hand over the merchandise. You can't do that.

Is there a problem here, officer?

I just want the candy, maggots.

That will cost you.

Hey, come back here with that!

You arrest us and I'm dumping it.

All of it.

No, we can work something out. No need to do anything rash.

I have an idea.



You look like a man who could use some cellophane wrap.

And I take I.O.U.'s.

(Clucking)

WYATT: That Lydia is one messed up chick.

LYDIA: Hi! (Gasping)

Wyatt!

I had such a great time on our date yesterday.

Um, that wasn't me.

Dude, now she thinks Wyatt is you.

This is for you.

I made it in taxidermy class. I got an A.

(Groaning)

(Slurping)

CAITLIN: Darth, how's it going?

All I hear are muffly slobbery sounds.

CAITLIN: Was it as bad as it sounded?

It was worse than

when The Republic failed to defeat The Confederacy,

leading to the destruction of the Jedi order as it once was.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to be alone.

I brought back some of the rubber bands

you left in my hair from your braces.

You put your cape back on! I love a man in a cape.

Come to me, Wyatt-cookie-poo-poo.

(Finger cracking) Ow!

Chill out, chicken girl.

(Gasping)

I didn't know you had an identical twin!

We're not twins! I'm black and he's white!

(Laughing) And you're crazy.

Oh, my gosh.

I'll have to make you another chicken.

Wait.

Um, the Wyatts are allergic to chicken and that guy likes you.

LYDIA: Really? He's cute.

Okay, bye! Wyatt!

(Gasping)

Wait up for me. (Screaming)

So, how'd things go with Julie?

Great.

She likes me for my inner beauty

and my skills with a light sabre.

Oh, and BTW, you're fired.

Fired?

You can't fire me just because you got a new girlfriend.

Okay, then I'll fire you because you stink at your job.

I do not.

Where are the positronic calculators?

The three amp transmitters?

The headphones?

(Sighing) Okay, fair enough.

So, where's Julie?

Looking good, baby. Lookin' good.

Ew, ugh.

If only he'd fired me just one second sooner.

I can't believe I got fired again.

Glad to see I rubbed off on you.

I don't think the clones like the new girl very much.

Why don't you just beg for your old job back?

Beg to work at the Khaki Barn? Well, it could be worse.

No, wait. It really couldn't.

(Sighing)

(Sighing)

Look, Chrissy! It's Nikki!

(Squealing)

Listen, Chrissy, I-- Do you want your old job back?

Um... OTHERS: Please!

Well, I'd require a percent raise of course.

And two more breaks per day.

You're hired. Ashley, you're fired.

Yay! Nikki's back.

I thought you hated me. Well, we did.

But then having Ashley around made us realize something.

She hustled, like, all of our sales.

You let us get all the commissions.

Yeah, you're, like, so useless at sales,

that's why we love you.

Aw, thanks, girls.

Rockin' the old job, very nice.

Yep, I kinda missed messing up the sweater vests.

(Screaming) This is for you!

Just run, dude! Run!

Got any more of those jelly beans?

Uh-uh.

You got rid of them all? And all my plastic wrap.

We're gonna split the prize.

Where'd you put it all? (Squeaking wheels)

(Mumbling) Mm.

(Laughing)

♪