01x03 - Wife Swamp

[bunniefuu]

This is it. We're here.

This is krapopolis.

I swear it's not as
bad as the name sounds.

[creature shrieks]
- [screams]

- Or that looked.
- I bet he deserved it.

- Fisherman, your king returns.
- We have a king?

[laughs] we're a democracy,

So him not knowing me
means I'm crushing it.

Oh, wow, and here's
my family to greet us.

I guess you guys heard.
- Heard?

That I fought a kraken,
rescued a princess,

And I'm returning
with a girlfriend.

Am I rushing it?
- Nope.

I'm his girlfriend.

Yeah, it's the talk of the town.

I've got two grilled octopus
and two coconut waters.

That's us. What do we owe you?

- Three sandals.
- So you're only here for food?

In our defense, we got hungry
and forgot you were gone.

Can you break a chicken?

Do I look like I carry
seven buckets of olives?

Hey, girlfriend,
welcome to krapopolis.

- Oh!
- We need your sandals.

We are good for
it. We're royalty.

[dramatic lyre music]

♪ ♪

[rhythmic grunting]

♪ ♪

All: Whoo!

The goddess deliria demands
this story continue.

Yes, mother... fifth time
you've interrupted to say that.

And I was tied to the rock,

And the kraken was
going to eat me.

But then, tyrannis
arrived and rescued me.

- You rescued me.
- You rescued me.

You fought a
kraken? With what?

My fist... punched
it on the nose.

I guess that's their weakness.

That's sharks.

Well, turns out nobody likes it.

Herophile, tyrannis tells
me you're a sea nymph.

Would we know your family?

Well, my father is poseidon.

All: Ooh!
- Very impressive.

Oh, so when my son chooses
the daughter of a god,

It's romantic, but...

But when your mother
chooses, it's gross.

Yeah, you're
getting it. Come on.

You know what I'm not getting?

This kraken story.

Don't be jealous of your
brother, stupendous.

He can barely swim!

How'd he untie her in the water?

Krakens are bad with knots.

Once again, that's sharks.

I am bleeding to
death. That can wait.

How is this a
feasible combination?

[mockingly] that's
tyrannis' girlfriend.

Oh, well, I'm his half brother,

Which I guess makes
us husband and wife

If he gets m*rder*d.
- You were bleeding to death?

Yeah, because guess which
animal still refuses

To roll over for civilization?
- Wolves.

- Wolves.
- Wolves!

What is with this rivalry
between humans and wolves?

They're the only animal we
will never be friends with.

I'm just gonna say it right now,

They're man's worst enemy.

Brilliant, that's gonna stick.

- Mm-hmm.
- You realize this poor

Young lady is sitting
here like a prop.

Can we please give
her a bit of agency?

Herophile, I'd
like you to decide

When you're marrying my son.

Mom, we just met!

Her father is poseidon.

He's gonna propose to
you before sundown.

[munches] [muffled]
here's why...

You're the hottest woman
he'll ever have a sh*t at.

This family is the
wolves of people.

[dramatic music]

I guess the legend of our
relationship is spreading now.

I can't believe the king's
not going to die a virgin!

Inappropriate! But
hopefully, true.

And there's where people eat,

And there's where they poo.

Those places are
really close together.

That's exactly what I
said. You're good at this.

Look, we're on a vase.

Being in a celebrated
relationship feels

Extra romantic, doesn't it?

I guess that's why we should
put extra effort into knowing

Where we're at, keeping it real.

That's smart. I agree.

Your divine royalnesses,

I made a sculpture
of you two meeting.

♪ ♪

Holy balls.

Marry me.
- Yes!

Mmm.

[cheers and applause]
- they're getting married...

Mostly because of my work!

Wolves, they're
smart, yet savage...

Organized, yet impulsive.
- Not unlike man.

Shlub, if you start with that
"man is just an animal" crap,

I will pin you to the floor

And dominate you with
a non-sexual hump.

That's why you're the cyclops
for this mission, sis.

This new technology will allow
you to walk among wolves,

Perceived as one of their own.

Is that a t*nk of wolf pee?

- Is that a problem?
- You callin' me scared?

I will non-sexually hump you.

Kids, kids, there's
no need to fight.

We'll all get our chance
in the [bleep] t*nk.

Then let's begin!

[tense music]

[both grunt]

♪ ♪

Aah!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[growls]

♪ ♪

Ah!

[grunting]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

[sniffing]

[growls]

[both growling]

[whimpers]

Now that we're friends,
what do you say

We visit your leader?

[vocalizes]

My mother will be so happy
we're getting married,

Which I don't even
see as a downside now.

And I'm so happy that
I'm not even turned off

By how much you mention her.

I guess I do fixate too
much on proving her wrong.

She represents the old world,

And I never saw a
role for myself in it.

Then I punched a kraken.
I'm a kraken puncher.

Yeah, you are.

Is that a... is that a kraken?

Oh, god, oh, dear god, do
you think it's the same one?

Do I just punch it again?
- I don't know!

Well, get behind me, I guess.

Or should we run?
- I don't know!

If we run, will
you still love me?

- I think so.
- Oh, thank god. Run!

[gasps]
- oh!

You run, and you're dead.

Oh, damn it.

Where's your mother?
She stiffed me.

See, I'm not the only one who
brings her up... wait, what?

Excuse me, what are you saying?

His mother owes me cows
for the fake kraken fight!

You're not a real kraken?

Real kraken, jagoff, fake fight.

[all grunting]

[mystical music]

- Whoa.
- Ah.

[exclamations]

[roars]

Oh, a kraken!

- Oh, no!
- [grunts]

Ah! [water splashes]

- [grunts]
- aah!

- [grunts]
- oh! Owie, owie, owie!

[panting]

[whimpers]

[grunts weakly]

[groaning]

I am slain!

Ugh.

You tell that bitch I'm
hungry, and I'm not going away!

Sorry about the
language, sweetie.

I respect poseidon a lot.

Your dad's what krakens
call a kraken's god.

Oh, and congratulations.

[chuckling] I heard
you guys got engaged.

- Thank you...
- Thank you...

♪ and deliria's son
fought a kraken and won ♪

♪ because he's deliria's son ♪

- Loving it.
- ♪ and poseidon's daughter ♪

♪ called out from the water... ♪

Okay, but poseidon
can have his own song.

What if that's where you
put a catchy hook, like...

♪ this is the wedding
of deliria's son ♪

♪ deliria, deliria ♪

I love that idea. I'll
come up with some lyrics.

I just gave you the lyrics.

- Manipulator!
- [groans]

Who told? The kraken?

What happened to the
crew? Did they drown?

I turned them into fish
when they hit the water,

Brought them home,

And set them up with
wives of their own.

Unlike you, they
won't be complaining.

- Do you mind?
- No problem!

[lute plays]

I mean, leave the room!

Don't talk to my
bard like a sl*ve.

You leave, and you die.
- No problem!

- I thought I was in love!
- You are!

And she's quite taken
with you, oddly enough.

But if the blabbermouth
kraken changed that,

We'll just sweeten
the deal for her.

I don't want her to get a deal.

I told you my whole life

I don't want to be
provided with a woman.

Yes, yes, you want
to earn a woman

By giving her more things
than someone better looking.

It's quite modern, son.
But we've given it a go.

I can't make another child.

You were too much work.

You owe me a grandson
worthy of overthrowing you.

Well, now I can die the
world's most satisfied virgin

Since I'll finally be
depriving you of something.

Maybe I should go.

Both: No!
- I'm going.

I have a princess to return.

So sorry I tried to help you.

If there were anyone
in this entire world

That wanted your help, mother,

You'd be ruining their
life instead of mine!

♪ This is the wedding
of deliria's... ♪

Spiders!

Oh, god, why?

Are they poisonous?
They're not biting.

They're everywhere!
Can I just ask why?

I'll take that as a no!
Whatever I did, I'm sorry!

So many spiders! Am I
allowed to k*ll them?

I'm k*lling a lot of
them just by flailing.

If that's some kind of test,
I can try to stand still.

I'll do anything! I'm so sorry

For whatever I
did to offend you!

I have to get out
of these clothes!

You know, your son does
seem pretty mad at you.

[somber music]

♪ ♪

I'm not doing any actual
navigating, by the way.

I'm just moving
this thing around.

Where do you live again?

The ocean. We're here.

Sorry I'm not a
real kraken puncher.

I didn't like you for that.

I liked that you wanted

To be free from the gods.

And here I am dumping
you back with poseidon.

And then going back to deliria.

Gods, they think they're
so high and mighty,

But they're... well,
they're high and mighty,

But they're the
ones that need us.

It would serve them right
if you and I just...

Disappeared? I know a place

We could live free.
It's called "the swamp."

The gods never go there.

Unless "the swamp"
is a special name

For a place that isn't a swamp,

I don't think anyone goes there.

Oh, it's a swamp, but
it's a swamp we control.

We could have a kingdom there

And kids.

[giggles] we could try,

Which I hear is the best part.

And then the kids
are... [blows raspberry]

Let's do it, tyrannis.

Let's try it. Let's swamp it.

- You really mean it?
- I really mean let's try.

[romantic music]

- [barks]
- hey, everybody.

Two wolves approachin'. I'll
be living with you guys,

Learning your secrets... not
that they're secrets to me.

I'm a wolf.

[tense music]

[growling]

[sniffs]

[sniffs]

[snarls]

Is that your boss? What'd
he say, something good?

[all snarling]

[grunts]

Well, that'll keep the rain out.

I guess the floor got kind of...

- Swamped?
- Exactly.

Hungry? I'm going to check

On the frog trap.

Ew. [groaning]

Eww.

I may not know
how to trap frogs.

But we're free.

Right, and now we have
to stay free forever,

Or I'll be k*lled.

[water splashes]

Oh, boy, get behind me.

I need a w*apon.
I need a stick!

Great, now I'm a
master frog catcher.

[suspenseful music]

Carrots?

Herophile.

Oh, who are you?

- Her boyfriend.
- I see.

I'm heartbroken, but I'm
not the jealous type.

You don't have to be.
You have a horse penis.

I'm jealous. What's
the story here?

Carrots was my first
love. He left me.

I had to flee from your father.

I ended up on a tiny island,

Imprisoned by irresistible
centaur women...

Women with the backs
and fronts of horses.

After a year, I realized,
wait, these are just horses.

So I left. And I remembered

How you used to talk
about the swamp.

Can we go back to the year
you spent banging horses?

I could've lied about that part.

That's definitely true.

I didn't come here
to get you back.

I'll believe it when I see it.

I'm just hiding from your dad.

- Us too.
- Yeah, us too,

The couple moving
into her swamp.

Good luck out there, carrots.

Tyrannis, he'll die.

I said "good luck."

[groans]

Carrots, please do me the honor

Of living in a swamp with
me and your ex-girlfriend.

I appreciate that.

I'm saying this right now.

You're both dicks if
you fall back in love,

And I don't care if
my ugly possessiveness

Makes it feel romantic.

It won't be. It'll
be a d*ck move

That got called ahead of time.

- Perfectly reasonable.
- No, that makes sense.

[shivers]

[shivers]

[twig snaps]

[snarling]

Step back. I'm not wounded.

I'm just in this position
because it's badass.

[vocalizes]

I said "get back!" [grunts]

[hopeful music]

[whimpers]

You makin' fun of me?

♪ ♪

You bring one more stick
to me and see what happens.

Thanks for bringing
all those sticks.

[vocalizing]

I assume this is, like, a truce.

So I'm gonna lay down
and either heal or die,

And I'll k*ll you
in the morning.

[vocalizing]

♪ ♪

[deer whimper and bray]

- Hunger... uh...
- hungry!

Hungry hunger!
- Eating.

Food?
- Yes!

Come on, this game was supposed

To take our minds
off starvation.

- [crying]
- don't cry, herophile.

We still have one more
round. We can come back.

I prayed to my father.

Both: What?
- Okay, you can cry now.

Cry hard. You just k*lled us!

I'm sorry. I didn't know

I'd be on the hook
for everyone's misery.

Now you're on the
hook for our deaths.

Okay, this is good though.
If we're all being honest,

I hate the swamp,
and I want my mommy.

[grunts]
- what are you doing?

My mom gave me an
emergency ritual...

Some moss, a
good-looking rock, mud.

Gonna just... this looks
like my mom, I think, right?

You're spending a lot
of time on the breasts.

You don't get to
judge family dynamics!

Goddess deliria, mother
of the ungrateful,

Goddess deliria,

Mother of the ungrateful...

- My father is coming.
- Shh!

Goddess deliria,

Mother of the ungrateful!

This is the goddess deliria!

Yes, yes!

Mom, I'm sorry, and
I need you just to...

If you'd like to
leave a sacrifice,

You can do so
after this message.

If not, lose this ritual.

Frog, frog!

Give me the frog!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Dolphin skis! Both: Ew.

I hope you're happy.
This brackish water

Is k*lling these guys.

[dolphins vocalizing]

Yeah, you're fine
now, but trust me!

I'm sorry, dad. I...

I don't wanna hear
it. Daddy's here.

This ends now. You're
getting married.

Where are these jackasses?

Get over here!

You, horse ass,
what's your name?

Gravy?
- Carrots.

I don't wanna hear it!

And you, you're
deliria's kid, titmouse?

- Yes.
- That's your name, titmouse?

- No.
- Tell me your name!

- Tyrannis.
- I don't wanna hear it!

Here's how it's gonna go down.

I don't care who marries
her at this point.

One of you is. The
other one is dying.

Dad, no! Don't make me choose.

I'm not. You'd choose wrong.

At dawn, the two of
you fight to the death

For my amusement,
but more importantly,

To uphold...

No, no... for my amusement.

These dolphins are dying!

[dolphins vocalize]
yes, you are!

Dying dolphin skis!

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

I'm sorry, guys.

- You're sorry?
- Should I not be?

I was more expressing like,

Sorry doesn't begin to cover it.

We're blaming me for this?

Well, you did bring
me to a secret swamp

Where your ex-boyfriend lives,
and then brought your father

To the secret swamp, so I'm
not gonna blame the crocodiles.

We were going to die.

You guys were.

I eat grass. I was surviving.

Now you're surviving,
and one of us isn't.

And to be clear, whichever
of us does survive,

Will always agree
with the dead one

That you could've
handled this better.

Gee, I can't wait to
be forced to marry

The most lethal of two
men that despise me.

[both chuckle] is that funny?

No, but it is funny
to pick this moment

To expect our sympathy.

Yeah, cry us a river.

Cry us a swamp.

Look, don't worry.
Carrots and I have a plan.

Poseidon might not even show up.

- Are you serious?
- Sometimes he makes people

Stand around all day,
and that's the lesson.

- I love that lesson!
- Yup, let's get out of here.

Time to fight to the death!

Damn it.

You should stay in my room

Until my family can
get used to you.

But I walk around a lot.
You like walking around?

And after a while,
maybe our species

Can form some kind of...

Attention, wolves!

Withdraw or die!

- Friendship.
- You're no match for humanity!

You have yet to
develop the sound cone!

Okay, time to
fight to the death.

And don't do the thing
where you're friends,

So you're conflicted
about fighting.

Just really go at each other.

Now!

[both grunting softly]

You're doing the exact thing

I asked you not to do!

Fight for real!

[both grunting]

Ready! [wolves growling]

- Mutilate the wolves!
- Stop!

We can be friends!

This wolf and I slept together.

[all chuckle] oh, grow up!

That's sweet, sis,

But I don't think these
wolves understand.

Wolf, you can
understand me, right?

[barks]

Okay, great. I'll
talk to my army,

And you translate for yours.

Listen to me!

Humans and wolves are
not that different!

[barking]

We're smart but violent.

[barking]

We're especially
mean to our own kind.

[barking]

Maybe we finally
found the one animal

That really gets us.

[barking]

[inspiring music]

[all howl]

[all murmuring]

We're gonna be
friends with wolves.

[barking]

[both grunting]

Hiya!

[shudders]

[both grunting]

Stop!

We won't fight anymore,
and here's why.

We have something
you don't hav...

- [grunts]
- [groans]

[weakly] integrity.

- Carrots!
- Are you satisfied?

Have you seen enough blood?

No, I haven't seen any.

I can't believe you
guys tried to pull

The fake telescoping
spear trick.

Okay, okay, you caught us there.

You do understand now I
have to k*ll you both?

Of course, it makes
a lot of sense

That this would offend
you, and you know why?

Because the lesson is, nobody
likes to be manipulated.

He gets it! He's nodding.

No, no, I was imagining
a kickass song

To m*rder you by.

♪ Dun, dun, dun, dun, die! ♪

♪ Die, die, die, die, die! ♪

But I think if you think...

Ah!

Whoa!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Uh...

[shuddering]

Oh, my god!

[retching]

[moans]
- [clears throat]

Let it out. Let's go.

I hate you!

Yeah, yeah. You comin' home?

Or do you wanna keep being free?

[mutters] I'll come
home, but I hate you.

Dolphins!

Dolphins?

See? Called it.

Already dead. Whale!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[serene lute music]

Light is dangerous.

All move as one.

- Water is air.
- All right.

You're human, and he's gone.

- Did it work?
- Of course it worked!

It's not like poseidon's
going to choose now

To become unpredictable.

Can I just ask, mom,

Whose dismembered human and
horse appendages those are?

Actually, you can't ask,
because the lesson here

Is never question my judgment.

- I'm good with that lesson.
- I'm carrots.

No new friends, carrots,
and find your own way home.

You're a good guy,
carrots the centaur,

And a good horse, combined.

We haven't seen the last of
each other, king tyrannis.

Yah!

[pants]

He says "yah" to himself?

Haven't seen the
last of each other?

Like he gets to decide how
enduring a character he is.

[tuts] both: Centaurs.

Mom, you were right.
I can't keep being

So critical of you if I'm just
as much of a spoiled assface.

Yes, yes, it's possible

It was unfair of
me to trick you.

Right, what animal do
you want to go home on?

- An eagle!
- You don't get to choose.

Tricked you! Whale!

Inspired choice.

He didn't invent
summoning whales.

Mom, mom, mom... mom! Mom!

[gargling] mom!

[wolves barking]
- how's it going?

Well, they are interested
in a domestic relationship.

- That's great.
- I don't know.

They want to live in our houses

And sleep in our beds
and eat our food.

They want to be escorted outside

So they can poop and
pee wherever they want,

And whenever they do it,

They want to be told
they're good at it.

Okay, that took a turn.
What are they offering us?

Can we milk them?

No! No milking, no hauling.

Look, I'm a very
interspecies kind of guy,

But this is the most one-sided
proposal I've ever heard,

And I can't advise mankind
to do anything else

But walk the hell away.

You guys, look at
their offspring.

It's like their puppies are
intentionally becoming cuter.

But the negotiations
aren't really...

Okay, look at this lil' guy.

[baby talk] are you a
lil' guy? Yes, you are.

[normal voice] just go in
there and agree to everything.

Stop being a jerk.

[sighs]

[suspenseful music]

[growling]

Did you get any of that?

Bento. [all cheering]