01x07 - Please Demeter

[bunniefuu]

- I'm told
your grain has blight.

- Yes. This is the wheat.

- Gorgeous.
And the blighted grain?

- Well, wheat is grain.
This is it.

- Yes. Disgusting.
The ugly face of...

- That's good wheat.
- Good wheat.

Give me the bad wheat.

Well, okay, this looks...
Are you sure?

Well, of course you are.

The strangely
better-looking face

Of our new enemy, grain blight.

We're on to you, handsome.

In this city, we like grain
for its personality.

[applause and murmurs]
thank you.

I'm off to the next farm now.

Let me know how I can help.

- Can I have that kebab?
- Say what now?

- The kebab. It looks great.
- Best in the city.

That's why there's always
a very long line to get one,

Which he knows.

- You asked how you could help.

- Yeah, with the blight.

- I'm a hungry farmer.

- Okay, but are you
grain blight hungry,

Or did you just skip breakfast?

Because that's me.

- Well, you did ask.
[crowd murmurs]

- [sighs]

Are you enjoying it?
- So good.

- Shared my kebab.
Pretty good king.

Just warning everyone, though,
I kiss better ass

With a full stomach.

[upbeat mystical music]

♪ ♪

- [laughs]
- what?

- Just taking in
the morning funny vases.

This wacky fellow here
has no food,

But a god's dropped by
for dinner, so he ends up...

[laughs]
boiling his own brother.

- I think I've got
the funny vases.

- You have
the obituaries, darling.

- Laughter withdrawn.

Someone boiled a human
in real life?

They're bland enough raw.

- Can I get the obits?
They sound kinda awesome.

- This grain blight should be
called a career blight.

It's k*lling my reputation
with dying people.

Mom, I hate to ask
for your help.

- Really? And why is that?
- You aren't helpful.

But aren't you buddies

With the goddess
of wheats and grains?

By the way, everybody,
same thing.

- Demeter is agriculture.

I'd hardly call us buddies.

More like jerks.

Mm, no. Botched that.

Immortal rivalries
can't be explained,

Because they transcend time.

I mean, the woman thinks
I borrowed her earrings.

That's how long ago
she borrowed them from me.

They're mine.

- Mortals need wheat, mom.
We're going to die.

- You don't only eat wheat.

Have more beef.

- Beef?
[grunts]

Beef eats wheat.

- You can feel it in the street?

- So let me get this straight.

Humans grow food,
then feed their food

To their other food?

And you wonder
why you're constantly hungry.

- Stupendous, didn't you have
a warrior friend,

About your height,
wore a one-horned helmet?

- You're describing prack.

And they're not my friend.
They're my enemy.

- Oh, well,
then this is good news.

- What is prack the unstoppable
doing in the obituaries?

- Um, stopping?

- Oh, right, that's... Good.

- I'll never understand
the mortal reaction to death,

The one event that can't
possibly surprise you.

- Mom, grain blight?

- Will you give me some space?

Your sister's in mourning.

Plack d*ed.
- Prack.

- Hardly matters now.

- [grunting]

Boop.

Okay, what do people say
for these things?

Demeter, goddess of harvest,

I give you a very heavy goat

And my three remaining years
of good back.

I've got a city to watch die.

Thanks in advance for...
[blows raspberry]

- You're welcome.
- Ah! Oh.

You're... you're actually here?

- I'm a sucker for a dead goat.

- Oh, I'm kind of squeamish,

So I just gave it
a bowl of wine.

[goat bleating]

Sorry.
If it counts, I promise

That goat's life is ruined.

- Don't tell anyone,
but the gods don't actually do

Anything with the sacrifices.

- I figure.

You just want humans
to value your time,

And humans only value
what we pay for.

- Cynical.

Insightful.

- I have a goddess
in the family.

Grew up too close to the magic.

- Deliria.

You're just like her.

- Oh, good.

Do you have
a sacrificial dagger handy,

Or should I just leap
off the roof?

- [chuckles] stop.

How is she?
- You know mom.

And mother doesn't know
I'm here.

- Understood.
Why is your city dying?

- You really don't know?
How much time do you have?

- For you? Plenty.

I like this bouquet
of self-hatred and confidence.

- Then I would like
to confidently

And self-hatingly tell you
about diseased grain.

- Ooh.

Ferment! Would you like one?

- Normally never on the job,
but I think it would make

The goat more comfortable.

[goat bleats]

[door rattling]

[door slams]

- Your door's sticking.

- It's called a lock.

- Doesn't work.
I want to go to hades.

- You're well on your way.

- I want to go before I die

And then come back.

- That's sicily.

- You realize prack d*ed
from a bee sting?

That can't happen.

Prack dies when I k*ll them.

- I'm too smart
to get my ass kicked

By asking a single question
about this prack relationship.

- What questions
could you possibly have?

- Is prack a man or a woman?

- [grunts]
- [groans]

I am really stupid sometimes.

- Gender means nothing
to a warrior.

My job is to fight prack,
not explain them.

And I know you can help me
'cause when we were teenagers,

You never shut up about hades.

It's half the reason
you couldn't get laid.

- What was the other half?

Ahh! Okay, okay, okay.

I think I can... Poison you?

Oof!
[gasps]

- All I needed to hear.

[both laugh]

- Sorry. Where was I?

- Oh, your people are starving.

- Yes, starving.

Well, you get the idea.

- Mm-hmm, I do.

Blight on the grain.
I had no idea.

It'll be gone by morning.
- Thank you.

This was a life-changing day
for me, demeter.

You've ruined every prejudice
I had about gods.

- Oh, keep them.

I'm exceptional.

- That is an understatement.

[stammers]

You should let me
repay you for this,

Like, with lunch or something.

- Are you asking me out?

- Uh...
- I would love that.

- Yep!

I have a date with a goddess.

I have a date with a goddess.

♪ I have a date
with a goddess ♪

Ahh!

Ugh!

- Are you all right, man?

- Yeah, I'm good.

I have a date with a goddess.

- Oh, that's nice.

My wife d*ed.
- Oh. I'm so sorry.

- Yeah, I, uh, went for a walk,

Because I can't clean out
her closet without crying,

So guess we're having
two different days.

But, you know,
thanks for being tacky enough

To brag about yours.
- Aha!

And thank you
for going on the offensive,

Because now I don't have
to feel bad that...

♪ I have a date
with a goddess ♪

♪ and a goddess
has a date with me ♪

♪ you judgmental d*ck ♪

- Have you seen the wheat?

It's healthy.

More than healthy.

Lustrous.
- [coughs]

- Was it your work, my love?

Did you save our boy's city?

- Not saying I did,
not saying I didn't.

But if I did, you're welcome.

So I believe
I've earned a day off.

- We'll try to cover your shift.

- [chuckles]
you've got to love her.

- No, that's just you.

[whispering]
dad, I went to see demeter.

- Oh?
- She fixed the grain.

- Oh!
- And I asked her out.

- What?
- Shh, shh.

- Hero! Son, you're a hero.

- You don't even know
what she said.

- Who cares?
- She said yes.

- I care! Details.

- There are none.
- Make them up.

- That's childish.
- I'm childish.

Daddy needy deetie.
Daddy needy deetie.

- We're going to lunch.
We'll see how it goes.

That's all I got.

- It's all you want.

My son in the club.

Doesn't matter what happens now,

Even if you die
on your way to meet her,

Which you could
if your mother finds out.

Ooh, she will perceive this
as a cosmic transgression.

You've crossed a line.

- But I'm in the club!

- There's no club for this.

Your mom's on the outs with her,

And you're gonna... yikes!

- You were proud!

- I still am. And terrified.

And for both our sakes,
I will deny

This conversation ever happened.

Best of luck.

- Anyone weaker than you
would die from this,

But if you're lucky
and you listen to me...

- I'm not afraid.

- It's not fear that's
gonna keep you in hades.

It's ignorance.

It's the parts of ourselves
that we don't get

That hades gets,
and it hangs on...

- Fascinating.
[gulps]

- No!

That's a sipping poison.

[mystical music]

♪ ♪

- Whoa.

Hades sucks.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I'm excited for lunch.

- Me too.

For lunch.

[both moaning]

Is this at all sacrilegious?

- Yeah. Desecrate me.

- At your command.

- What do you see?

- [flatly] a bunch of stuff.

- That doesn't help me.

Look for a river.

Is there a river?
- Yeah.

- If a single drop
of that river touches you,

You'll forget your whole life

And wander the banks
like a schnook.

Do you see any schnooks?

- There's nothing but.

- Who am I?
- What's the deal with deals?

- Why am I here?

- Move it, schnooks.
Now what?

- You want to find the ferry,
but the guy on the ferry

Only lets you pass
if you're dead,

So look around
for anyone that d*ed

With any type of container.

- Ohh!

- You dead? Okay.

You dead? Go.

Hey! You real dead.

You dead? Okay, nice try.

Clearly alive.

What happened? What am I doing?

- You were talking to that guy.

- About what?
- Birds.

- What do you want to know
about birds?

- What are they?
- Why are you asking me?

- Everybody watch your step.

Except you.
- Who am I?

- You're the boat guy.

- Not bad.

And you are?
- Your parents.

- No wonder I'm screwed up.

Boat guy.

[dramatic music]
- prack!

- Took you long enough.

[shouts]

I got no honor down here!

[growls]

- You let a bee k*ll you?

- I have allergies!

- Did you find prack?

- Yeah,
and I'm kicking their ass.

[romantic music]

♪ ♪

- [sighs] best lunch ever.

- Next time, we'll get food.

I want to give you something.

- It's beautiful.
Is this wheat?

- That's wheat, there's oats,
rice, corn, barley,

Sorghum, rye, and millet.
The eight true cereal grains.

- I promise never to eat
this bracelet.

Can I see you tomorrow?
- I'd like that.

- When you fly away,
do you shout something?

- Like what?
"agriculture"?

- No wrong answers.

- How about this?

Quinoa!

- Quinoa.

♪ I'm in love, love song ♪

♪ I'm in love,
love song ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ sex ♪
- whore!

- Ah! What are you doing?
Oh, my god.

- How long did you think
you could do this?

- Do what?
- Oh, now you're strategic.

She just shouted, "quinoa!"
from the rooftop.

- I did nothing wrong, and this
has nothing to do with you.

- Nothing to... excuse me
for one divine chuckle.

[echoing]
ha!

[whooshing]

[man coughs]
[baby cries]

So it's just dumb luck
that you slept with a goddess

I told you I wasn't speaking to?

- It's dumb luck
when I sleep with anyone.

She's the god of agriculture.
Our wheat was bad.

I prayed to her, and things
just kind of, you know...

- Ugh! Barf! Puke!

Don't walk me
through your hookup.

I don't want to hear that.

- I don't want
to tell you about it.

Believe me, at no point
during my time with demeter

Are you on anyone's mind
but your own.

- I believe
you're that naive, but...

- But?
- Do I have to say it?

She's getting back at me
for the earrings.

- Were you born this crazy?

What is your creation myth, mom?

Was your dad a river
that married a volcano,

And you sh*t up
and bashed your head

Against every star in the sky?

Is that why we have winter
and you're nuts?

Because now that I've met
a sane goddess,

I've got to know,
what's your excuse?

- What's that?
- You like?

It's made
from a special beeswax,

None of which is yours.

- She gave that to you?

- Are you going
to ruin this too?

- No, it's nice.

And she's nice.

You're right.
You've done nothing wrong.

You're just in love.

And she probably doesn't
remember I stole her earrings.

- I never said the word love.

But wha... wait.
Stole her earrings?

- Oh, let it go.
This isn't about that.

And I know my abrupt change
in tone is confusing,

And when I leave, you're going
to squint at the door

Wondering what I'm up to,
but I'm sincere.

You have my blessing.

Good night.

[both shouting]

[dramatic music]

- Hi. Just checking in.

- Not now!

- You said "not now" yesterday!

- I meant it then too.

- Who are you talking to?
- Shut up and fight!

- I'm not the one talking!

- Sure sounds like you are.

- Sounds like you are!
- Sounds like you are!

- Okay, that's it.
I'm gonna revive you.

- No!
- Then talk to me!

- I invoke a warrior's respite!

- Seems like a real bitch move.

- You'd know.

If you pull me out,
I'll be coming back

The old-fashioned way, with you.

You understand what I'm saying?
- Yes, sis.

You're threatening to k*ll me
and yourself.

- You're making it sound bad
on purpose.

I'm not k*lling myself.
I'm k*lling prack.

- Prack is dead,
and you're dying.

And I know you're stupid,

But I know
you're not that stupid.

I know you know

You're going to do this forever.

You just don't want to admit
that you want it,

Because you don't want it
to be a choice,

And that's how hades gets you.

So you got to say,
"I'm doing this."

Can you say that?

- Sorry, was there a question?

- Are you fighting again?

- Yeah, and if you keep
interrupting, I can't finish.

- Finish what?

- You, dummy.
- You're the dummy!

- You are!

- Demeter!

Ugh, of course
they barely crease the sheets.

- Deliria.

What's that?
- Earrings.

- You're giving me earrings?

- I get it.

You're less petty than me.

I come in peace
as an old friend and...

[gags]
your lover's...

[gags]
mother.

[retching]

Excuse me.
- I understand.

- No, I swear
I'm not putting this on.

It's a very real gag reflex.

- And you do know
I really love him, right?

- Oh, I believe you.
I saw the bracelet.

- Ah, but you understand
it's not the same bracelet.

- I know you don't dig up
the last guy's skeleton, yes.

You make a brand-new one
every time,

Because it's always new.

Every single time.

- Oh, here we go.

We're in this world
together forever.

We're going to witness
each other repeat a few things.

- Can you repeat things
with anyone but my son?

- That's a vile thing
to wish for.

I'm going to make him happy.

- Until he gets old or sick.

- Yes, they all get old or sick,

And I put them down
before they have to suffer.

- Yes, it's their suffering
you're concerned with.

- So I should close off my heart

And let him fend for himself...

- In the wild?

- I was going to say "with you,"

But same thing, right?

Honestly, for how amazing he is,

He does not seem
well taken care of.

Anything else?

- No.

If you really don't remember...

- I remember the earrings.

I was high-roading you.

- Damn it.

[chatter]

- Welcome to sirens bluff.

Enjoy the irresistible song
of the sirens

On the rocks below,

But don't leap over the railing.

I'll bring water
with lemon in it.

- Water with lemon.
This is an immortal club.

I didn't know
gods could appreciate

Something so peaceful.

- I don't think that's the part
they appreciate.

[sailors screaming]

[cheers and applause]

- Oh.

- Sorry, it didn't occur to me
that might offend you.

Do you want to go
somewhere else?

- Do you?
- It's up to you. I'm not...

- The one that cares
about death?

- Is this is our first fight?

All right, I'll admit
I feel nothing

For those men down there.

They aren't mine.
But if you were drowning,

I would stop the ocean

And urinate on poseidon's face,
which he would love.

Ask me about that later.

Split the crab sampler?

- Until every crab is sampled.

[sailors screaming]

- Ugh! What's wrong?

- The guy!

You don't hear the guy
screaming in violent pain?

- Well, I hear lots of things.

I guess
that's one of them, but...

All right,
we'll go somewhere else.

- Is something wrong?

- The screaming hurts my human.

Come on. Come.

- Sorry.
They're bloodcurdling.

- You get used to it.

- [sailor moans]

[both shouting]

- Stupe, let's go.
- I'm almost done.

- I'm not up there.

- What are you doing?
You can't be here.

- It was either this
or watch my sister die.

I decided to take the risk.

- Yeah, but you don't want
to be here.

And I do.

Holy crap.
What is wrong with me?

- Where do I start?

- [sighs]

[grunting]

- [screams]

- Let's go.
- Hurry!

We gotta get across the river
before your body dies.

- Okay, but if we don't make it,

Promise me you'll use my corpse

To really freak out tyrannis.

[grunts]
- mom. Dad.

- [grunts]

If you leave, I win.

- Okay. You earned it. Go!

- I'm never good enough.

- Screw you!

- Prack, no!

- [shouts]

Who am I?

- Prack the unstoppable.

- Who are you?

- A friend. I'll be back.

- Okay. Bye.

- [sighs]

[mystical music]

♪ ♪

[both gasping]

- You all right?
- Shut up.

I don't know
what happened to me.

- Grief.
- I don't grieve.

- Exactly.

- Okay, death nerd.

Thank you.

- You're welcome!

Uh, little help?

[grunts]

Worst sister ever...

[groans]
[glass shatters]

- They look better on you.

We shouldn't fight.
We can't fight.

We can't k*ll each other,
so why fight?

- Okay.

- This is really difficult
for me,

But I don't know
if tyrannis is going to be

Completely happy
in our situation.

- Okay.

- If it were anyone else,

There's steps I would take
to make him happy.

He has a thing with his hearing
when other humans scream.

Did you know about that?

Anyway, then I think,
what if I soften his hearing

Or confine him to an area?

And I know that's just going
to upset you,

And I can't handle that.

- Are you returning him?

- Of course you'd say that.

He's not property, deliria.

I love him,
and I'm asking you as a friend

Whose heart is shattering,
can I leave him with you

Without having to worry
about him?

And I'm throwing in the earrings

Since everything's
a transaction to you.

- Have you talked to him?

- Oh, no. I can't.
I can't do that.

I can't upset him.

- Well, darling, it sounds like
you're going to.

- But that's not me.

I'm the nurturer.

You're the abuser.

That's why I'm able to love you
as toxic as you are.

You'll figure out
what to tell him.

- Well, if I tell him the truth,

Which is that you're awful,
he won't believe me,

Which is my fault
for being a crap mother.

And it's too late
to change that or you,

So I guess I'll just say

Thank you for returning
my human undeafened.

I'll take the earrings, and
I'll see you in , years.

- Oh, you're the best.

Rice!

- That's my roof,
you daft bitch.

- Something's wrong.
We had a picnic planned.

I made her world-famous
vegetarian roll-ups.

Why are you here?

- Your city needs you, tyrannis.

You've been up here a long time.

- So? I don't care.
- Me neither.

I just don't like them
bitching at me.

- Where are your earrings?

- Oh, I had given them
back to demeter, and then...

- Oh, my god.

- What?
- Don't you get it?

Do I have to explain it?

You gave back her earrings.
That's all she wanted.

It was all a stupid game.

I thought she was different,
but you're all the same.

You must be thrilled.

- Now, hold on.

I never wanted you
to be unhappy,

But I will be thrilled
if you never trust

Another immortal again.

- Oh, that'll be no problem.

Trust me, which you can,
because I'm not

A stupid, crummy,
hypocritical, lying, fake god.

If you'll excuse me,
I've got a city to run,

And I'm gonna shove civilization

Up whatever you have
instead of buttholes.

- Oh, I'm really going
to miss these earrings.

What's a butthole?

- Did you get any of that?

- Bento.
[cheers and applause]