18x17 - Between a Ring and a Hardass

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[SLURP]

Guys, I'm sorry my parents

were blasting Steely Dan so
loud during our sleepover.

I've asked them a million
times to play something current

to cover the sounds
of their lovemaking...

like Soulja Boy!

God, they're embarrassing!

It's okay, Barry.
Everyone's family can be embarrassing.

My mom still cuts my
sandwiches into hearts.

I'm ! My sandwiches should
be shaped like lightning bolts!

Tell me about it.

The other day,
I slipped in a puddle of lube

my uncle Roger spilled
prepping for his orgy,

and I slid into my
sister's three-foot bong.

Then my parents ran in
dueling with these prop swords

from "Lord of the Rings"
my dad bought on eBay.

My mom took a reckless
orc-style swing at my dad

but sliced me instead!

[CHUCKLES] I bled and bled.

Steve, your family sounds

chaotic, unstable... unhealthy.

Hey, Steve. I'm stealin'
this to show p*rn at my orgy.

Keep the homies horny.

That's your uncle, right?

Okay, so my family's
a little unconventional.

But when it really matters,

we're always there for each other.

Be careful sharing this stuff.

Someone could report
you to social services.

Who'd report me? You guys?
My best friends?

Or, you, really cool new kid?

So cool. I know I can trust you.

Cowabunga!

I've been told a disturbing
story about your family

from my undercover social services narc.

Cowabunga!

You? A narc?

I'm sorry, but a social worker

will need to make a home
visit to the Smith house.

Social worker?!

- Home visit?!
- Smith house?!

Cowabunga!

♪♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪♪

A social worker?! Could they take Steve

if they see something dangerous
like swords lying around?

Swords?
Oh, you mean my uruk-hai scimitars.

These are investments!
You wouldn't believe

how much "Lord of the Rings"
fans pay for this stuff.

How much did you pay?

An undisclosed amount.

Here's my biggest investment yet...

an extra-large one ring

used on set to create
forced perspective.

[DING!]

Don't worry, Hayley.

Remember the last time
a social worker came?

When you were breastfeeding
Steve at his high school?

We just call social services,
get Wendell again,

and bribe his ass!

Wendell was fired?!

WOMAN: Yes, for taking bribes.

Yuck! We hate bribes!

Around here, bribes are a big taboo.

[BELCHES]

Hayley! Shh! Sorry about that.

So if you could just send someone else

easygoing, hates rules,

- is...
- Very bribable?

Bribable works!

We'll waive the taboo just this once.

Says here the social
worker visiting your home

is Jack Hardass.

- Gonna mute ya for a sec.
- [BEEP]

- ALL: Jack Hardass?!
- [BEEP]

We're assuming his name
is hilariously ironic

because he's so nice and has a soft,
jiggly booty?

Jack Hardass is just like his name.

Mother [BLEEP]!

They're gonna take my precious boy!

[ALL SOBBING]

Heard about the precious boy!
Got here as fast as I could!

Stop. No one is taking me.

Like I told Snot when he said our family

was unstable, chaotic, unhealthy...

That piece of sh*t.

When it really counts,

the Smiths are always
there for each other.

Snot is becoming a problem.

One thing at a time.
But just so we remember...

♪♪

Jack Hardass is coming tomorrow.
We'll be ready.

Social service's healthy
home checklist...

a.k.a. Hardass's Bible.

"A home free of dangerous items."

Like these swords, Stan!

I've been talking to Buckle.

He's gonna buy the one
ring off me tonight.

I'll try to sell him the swords, too.

"All content must be age-appropriate."

So no sex stuff.

Don't worry. I'm postponing my orgy

and surrendering my sex dr*gs.

Goodbye, horny-goat-weed-Viagra mix

that can almost guarantee arousal.

So long,
remote for my wireless p*rn rig.

Careful. I disabled the off-button,

so once it's on,
it never stops playing p*rn.

If you need me,
I'll be hiding in the walls.

No personas tomorrow.

Mr. R, you'll be like Bruno
from Dis-a-ney's "Encanto"!

You're right! What if I made the house

magically come to life
like in "Encanto"?

Floorboards flappin'
and clappin' like castanets.

Silent in the walls will be fine.

Now, to make sure we impress Hardass,

I compiled a CIA dossier on him.

Hardass has high-class tastes...

fancy food, fancy cats, fancy feast.

So we'll serve him the
fanciest dish of all time...

beef Wellington.

Hayley and I can try making

a practice Wellington tonight, Mr. S!

And I'm adopting cats right now!

But classy guys don't like
seeing anything weird,

so no talking fish.

Anything for Steve.

Hands in, everybody!

For our precious boy!

ALL: Whoo!

♪♪

Practice Wellington's looking good!

Great! Now remember, Steve.

All you gotta do is smile, look happy.

Mediocre. Think "Al Roker."

Now give me "Joker"!

That's a happy boy!

I'm not willing to risk wrinkling

any of my slacks before tomorrow.

But what's that circular lump?

My one ring,
stored in the place made specifically

for a man's most valuable possessions...

the little front pocket of his undies.

Where should Jeff and I sit?

Nowhere. You'll be our butlers.

- Okay!
- The hell you talkin' about?!

We need to project wealth.

Same reason we built the dumbwaiter.

Also because of your burp

during the call with social services.

A.k.a. "Burpgate." It was too crude.

So we hired actors
to play our new, classy,

hardbodied Jeff and Hayley!

What?! Why are we being singled out?!

You're the one who got wild
servals instead of normal cats!

[SERVALS GROWLING]

They seemed fancier!

Maybe I'll put out a casting
call for big-chinned dopes

and pink-dressed idiots to replace you!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who could that be?

Hello. I'm Jack Hardass.

ALL: Jack Hardass?!

A night early?!

Stan, you said you wrote the date

in your most important calendar!

Most valuable calendar.

From the release of
"Fellowship of the Ring"!

That's from when the
movie came out in !

The dates are all off!

Uh, what do we do?!

We'll just have to
impress Hardass tonight!

Do you think he noticed
I wasn't wearing pants?

- Yes. - Oh, yeah.
- Hundred percent.

Hm. Well,
then I didn't shave for nothing.

The social worker's here!
We're not ready!

And it's all your fault, Stan!

Who writes down an important date

in a calendar from ?!

A lot of people in did!

[SERVALS GRUNTING]

Steve's a goner because of you two!

You deserve to be the stupid...

- buttlers!
- [BOTH GASP]

I'mma drop you like a bad hobbit!

- Come on!
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

You said you could do this... for me...

and I believe in you!

Let's be there for each other, Smiths!

- I'll hide the swords!
- I'll hide the servals!

I got the sex dr*gs!

[FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- STAN: Butler Hayley, get the door!

FRANCINE: A final touch of class...
the Roomba!

Remember, Steve, just keep smiling.

[DEEP VOICE] You rang?

I knocked.

For minutes.

Sorry. I couldn't find my pants.

But you probably didn't even notice.

I noticed. And made a note.

Um, let's meet the family.

My beautiful wife, Francine.

My burp-free daughter, Hayley.

Her husband, Jeff, who is very stupid.

These are our butlers,
who should go serve

the practice Wellingtons.

Dinner is almost ready.

We're having beef Wellington, as usual.

Why a "practice" Wellington?

Because practice Wellington
makes perfect Wellington!

This is the famous Steve.

May I take your coat, Mr. Hardass?

ROGER: Go, go,
"Encanto" magic coat hook!

Shh!

- [CLATTERING]
- [SERVALS SNARLING]

So we're not bothered

by the hustle and bustle in the kitchen.

Care for a drink?

Iced tea, please.

A wonnnnderful choice, Mr. Hardass!

They ate the practice Wellingtons!

Make new ones!

[SOFTLY] Get the servals
out of there now.

[NORMAL VOICE] You, go help with dinner.

Please, Mr. Hardass, take a seat.

Dinner won't be for a while.

You said it was "almost ready."

H-He said it was all moist and ruddy,

which is how he refers to raw meat.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[STAN GASPS]

Just some roaming degenerates.

Not around my precious boy!

Now, excuse me.
I'm gonna get some fresh air.

And my iced tea?

Did I say "fresh air"?
I meant "fresh mint."

For your iced tea!

We're here for Hayley
Smith's casting call

for big-chinned dopes
and pink-dressed idiots.

What?! Well, you have to leave!

Not until we get an audition!

We're desperate local actors!

[GULP!]

Steve, do you ever feel... unsafe?

KLAUS: Schwing! Oh!

Did your fish just say "schwing"?

- Mnh.
- [SERVALS GROWLING]

Aah!

Let's watch some educational TV!

- MAN: Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!
- WOMAN: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

I can hear something,
but I'm not seeing the picture.

WOMAN: Oh, yeah!

I'll check on that iced tea!

[ FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

It won't turn off!

This'll muffle it.

We made new Wellingtons

with Graham Crackers,
flour, and hamburger meat.

Iced tea's ready!

You almost screwed us
hiring those actors, Hayley!

Luckily, I thought of hiding them
in the basement.

I hid the servals in the basement!

- [SERVALS GROWLING]
- [MAN SCREAMS]

They're only local actors.

If we're all in here...

then who's with Hardass?

♪ On the good ship Rogupop ♪

♪ It's a sweet... ♪

Rogu, shoo!

I'm afraid I have no
explanation for that.

But I do have your tea.

I'm not seeing the fresh mint.

Aah! Mint! The man wants mint!

FRANCINE: On it!

Oh, God! Hardass is gonna take me away!

The only thing Hardass is taking away

is the takeaway that we
make great Wellington!

Mmm! Now bring it upstairs

so it can come down the dumbwaiter.

Nice save. Where'd you get the mint?

[BREATHLESSLY] From
the edge of the woods.

Edge of the woods?

That's not mint! It's poison ivy!

Dinner's ready!

Some water for you, Mr. Ass.

Good news... the servals are upstairs.

Bad news... the actors in the
basement are begging for food.

I've heard you have

"Lord of the Rings"
weapons in the house?

Hmm. Doesn't ring a bell.

Sounds like a good investment, though.

I'm sorry.

Weapons from "Lord of the Rings"

are... a good investment?

Yeah, people will pay a
fortune for movie props.

I know I did... would.

What Stans means is...

"Lord of the Rings"
talk is forbidden here.

Or as the great forest
elves of Mirkwood say...

"Avanwa..." Unh! Mnh!

Mr. Smith, are you crying?

I just love my boy so much.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'm here to buy the ring!

"Lord of the Rings" is forbidden!
Go away!

I'm back as if nothing happened.

Stan, I was just insisting

we show Mr. Hardass
Steve's college fund.

It's so full, the boys at
Schwab say it's a modern marvel.

Gah!

Oh, no! The Roomba's stuck!

He can't see the college fund.
I used it to buy the one ring.

HARDASS: Is everything okay down there?

Just sell the ring to Buckle

and get that money back in the
account so we can show him.

I sent Buckle away!

Unsend him away!

Stupid thing got stuck on a crumb. Heh.

Gotta go call the manufacturer.

Can I ask you about
that small gray person?

I'm afraid I have no
explanation for that.

Sorry I yelled at you.

I got possessed by greed,
much like Smeagol.

The ring is that legit!

Send in the Wellington!

[WHIRRING]

I need to see you in
the kitchen right now.

Mrs. Smith, your glass.

Oh! What are you doing?!

Please excuse me. I need to go, uh...

Let's see. Something normal.
Something normal.

Spank my lady butler!

KLAUS: Schwing!

There it is again!

- We can't serve the beef Wellington!
- Why not?

Jeff used this instead of flour.

It's chaos out there! What is going on?!

The beef Wellington is filled
with Roger's sex dr*gs!

- Oh, my God.
- [ FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

The Roomba got stuck under it!

Where the hell is Dad?!

[GASPS] Mr. S ate so
much sex Wellington!

Since we both bank with Schwab,
you can instantly transfer

the $, to my account.

But first I need to see the ring!

One sec. Let me retrieve it.

- [ZIPPER SLIDES]
- FRANCINE: Stan!

All the beef Wellington you
ate was dosed with Viagra!

Not ideal, but we should be okay
as long as nothing arouses me.

WOMAN: Ohh! All over my glasses!

Ohh... ohh... ohh. Ohh-ohh.

Ow! Ugh! [SOBBING]

Big bone. So what?

During the engorgement, the one ring

slid out of its pocket and got stuck...

on my eye of Sauron!

So, uh, how long
have you two known each other?

We just met today.

That's a fast marriage.

Oh, my God.
[GASPS] This Wellington is orgasmic!

Mmm! Mmm!

[ACTOR HAYLEY GIGGLES]

ALL: Food!

Bad Butler!
We'll clean you up in the bathroom.

ROGER:
A little "Encanto" will save the day.

Go, go, "Encanto" magic toilet!

[GRUNTING]

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Mrs. S, the actors in the basement

are horny from the Wellington

and they're climbing up the
dumbwaiter to your bedroom!

I'm busy!

The bathroom is just in here.

[ROGER SCREAMING]

I can show you the ring,
but it has to be in private.

[SERVALS GROWL]

- Not in there. In here.
- [SERVALS SNARL]

[BOTH MOANING]

My daughter's having sex in there.

I'm having sex in there!

Screw this! I'm leaving!

Wait! I can show you in here!

Don't worry about the bathroom.

Because I've seen enough.

Please don't take Steve away!

[WOMAN MOANING]

[LAUGHS] Take Steve?

It's not against the law
to have a dinner go badly.

What I really care about is the boy.

And he was smiling all night.

What's healthier than smiling
all the time no matter what?

Now I must be going.

It's elven tradition to view the ring

only through this hole I made.

I believe I see

one of Peter Jackson's
curly beard hairs!

- Not included.
- [DING!]

HARDASS: Good night, Mr. Smith.

We did it, everybody!

[FAMILY CHEERING]

Sorry. Forgot my...

- [SERVALS SNARL]
- ...coat.

ROGER:
Something's wrong with your toilet!

MAN: Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! Ohh!

Wild cats.

p*rn. Toilet man.

A high-end... penis dealer?

It's not what it looks like!

And a talking fish.

I've changed my assessment.

I'm taking the boy.

- No!
- Please!

- We can do better!
- We'll get rid of the fish!

You know what? I'm ready to go.

All we had to do was get our
act together for one night.

You know who does have
their act together?

The foster-care system!

Let's go, Hardass.

Great. Now I've lost two things.

♪♪

[STAN AND FRANCINE SOBBING]

I can't believe Steve is gone!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hi. I'm Jack Hardass.

- [SERVALS YOWL]
- ALL: Jack Hardass?!

This guy had an official lanyard.

He's the real Hardass.

Then who's that guy who took Steve?!

A kidnapper!
And a financially savvy one at that.

He wants to exchange the boy for this.

- We have to go save him!
- But we can't let real Hardass know

we gave our son to a kidnapper!

I have an idea.

Hello! I'm Stan... line?

- FRANCINE: Smith!
- Smith!

Come in!

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Did someone just steal your car?

As long as they don't
steal my precious boy!

I like your attitude, Mr. Smith.

- Where are we doing the exchange?
- We're not.

Steve would never want us
to sacrifice the one ring.

So I traced the texts to
the kidnapper's hideout.

We'll steal Steve back.

I just don't get who would do this.

Who would want that ring this badly?

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

STAN: Dear God! It's Elijah Wood!

FRANCINE: There's Sean Astin!

HAYLEY: Dominic Monaghan!

JEFF: Jack Hardass is Billy Boyd!

The hobbits from "Lord of the Rings"

kidnapped Steve?!

Pernicious Boyd has my precious boy,

and he wants my precious! Oy!

Here's the plan. I sneak in...

Can't I sneak in this time?

You made Hayley and I be the butlers.

We should sneak in.

I sneak in.

- I sneak in.
- We sneak in.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Aah!

Oh, no! Steve was right.

Even when we try to come together,
it's utter chaos!

But maybe we could...

use that chaos to our advantage?

[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Why didn't you just steal the ring?

BILLY BOYD:
I was so shocked it was on his penis,

I panicked and stole his kid!

This is a bad idea.

You know the rules!

On the set of "Fellowship,"
we swore an oath.

ALL: To always support each
other's passion projects

no matter what.

And I need this ring so I can
sell it and use the profits

to fund my new tequila brand...
Casa Smeagol's.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

♪♪

Hey! Ol' Petey sent us beef Wellingtons!

I'm starved!

That family kept slapping
food out of my hands.

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! [GIGGLES]

MAN: Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!

Ohh! Ohh!

[ALL GROANING]

Oh, yeah!

We're all getting erections!

Who knew when I got these for stargazing

I'd be gazing at star
Billy Boyd's boner?!

[ALL GROANING]

ROGER: I'm done joking.
Someone help me out of this thing!

[SERVALS SNARLING]

[HOBBITS SCREAMING]

[GASPS]

Steve, you were right.

We're so sorry about how we acted.

STEVE: [MUFFLED] That's okay, guys!

And I'm sorry I emptied
your college fund

to buy the one ring.

- You did what?!
- [ VIDEO CALL RINGING]

He's demanding to see Steve.

He's heading up to his bedroom.

Stall him. Just say something stupid...

like you've realized
family's everything.

I learned to appreciate my family!

Oh, Mr. Smith, that's wonderful.

[TIRES SCREECH]

♪♪

STEVE: Just finishing up my homework

on the history of burlap sacks.

From fish to sticks,
they truly held it all.

Precious as advertised.

What a perfect family! Good night!

♪♪

My precious family.

Bye! Have a great time!