03x59 - Silent Butt Deadly

[bunniefuu]

So you got a job as a bathroom attendant at the Soft Rock Cafe?


Yep, wages plus tips for handing out paper towels.


Aren't you going to wash your hands?


No, because I didn't pee on my hands, Wyatt.


So the real question is why are you washing your hands?


Gross, dude.


Wyatt peed on his hands!


Oh man!


The review says it's the perfect date movie,


filled with car chases, hunks, hotties,


and an ending that will make everyone cry.


Is it playing at the gigantoplex?


Yep, it's called "True Love and Fist Fights".


Sounds great.


Finally a film that Jonesy and I will both enjoy.


We're going tonight.


[ BELCH ]


That is so gross!


Being gross is what guys do. [BELCH]


Okay, seriously. Not in front of me, okay?


Okay, I promise. Not in front of you.


[ BELCH ]


Jonesy! What?


I was behind you.


Don't listen to them I didn't pee on my hands!


Ewwww!


What?


Aw, man.


[ ♪♪♪ ]


[ ♪ ]


♪ LIFE BEGINS AFTER SCHOOL ♪


♪ THAT'S WHEN WE BEND ALL THE RULES ♪


♪ TIME TO HANG WITH ALL MY FRIENDS ♪


♪ WE LIKE TO BE TOGETHER


♪ IN A PLACE WHERE WE BELONG! ♪


♪ I'M TEEN, STARTING TO FIND MY WAY ♪


♪ GOT A NEW JOB, GONNA START AT THE MALL TODAY ♪


♪ THANK GOD I'M ON MY OWN FOR THE FIRST TIME ♪


♪ I'M TEEN, LIFE IS SWEET ♪


♪ WHEN YOU'RE GROWING UP SO FAST ♪


♪ YOU GOTTA MAKE THE GOOD TIMES LAST ♪


[ ♪ ]


♪ I'M TEEN...


♪ I'M TEEN... ♪ TEEN...


♪ GOTTA MAKE THE GOOD TIMES LAST ♪


[ ♪ ]


[ PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY IN THE FILM ]


There they are!


Okay, what did we miss?


Have they fallen in love yet?


Who's the dude in the hat?


Do they weld these things shut?


Come on, open...


UP!


Ow!


Food fight!!!


Uh oh.


That's it, all of you, OUT.


What? But we weren't doing anything!


It was all THEM!


ARGH!!!


That was awesome, dudes!


What do we do now?


First, I'm going to the washroom to clean up. Me too.


Wait for us, we'll be right back.


Congrats, Casanova.


This was supposed to be a date.


You know, just you and me.


Don't look at me, I didn't invite them.


Oh, you didn't?


No. I figured you did. What?


Okay, we're outta here.


We're not waiting?


N'uh uh. Cool.


Oh, you've got to be kidding.


'K, just admit it.


It was YOU that always wanted ME!


Oh sure, that's why I dated all those other chicks.


Yeah, I met them, and if anything,


they were a cry for help.


Well either way, I'm really glad we're --


Found 'em!


Thanks for waiting!


Yeah, we could have lost you.


Free nachos! No, Jude.


Not free! Not!


They taste free...


Hey, tomorrow night, why don't we all --


Enough with the "we all"!


What? What?


This was supposed to be a date night for us.


DATE night!


Why didn't you say so?


I did, when I read you the review.


Oh, did the review say how it ends?


Because we all missed that part.


Yes we did, thanks to you jokers.


My candy wouldn't open!


Guys, you know we love you,


but we need some space.



YOU stay, WE go!


They left their nachos.


Sweet.


I really like you, Melinda.


What's this for?


We've kinda been dating for two weeks.


It's our anniversary.


But I didn't get...


Oh, here.


Just one piece, okay?


Aww, thanks.


I should get going.


Hey, Melinda, wait.


Why do we always meet in these weird places?


Jude, my friends can't know we're dating,


no one can.


I like you, but I'm a senior.


Uh, huh? And you aren't.


Look, if you were older, taller, smarter and cooler,


this wouldn't be an issue.


But I do really like you, okay?


This just has to be our secret.


Sure...


I guess.


Maybe tonight I can come over to your house.


I'll let you know.


Hey, your present.


Uh, yeah, my friends might see me, so...


Oh.


Well, if they wanted to be alone,


they could have just told us.


I think she did, and we just missed it.


I feel kinda bad actually.


Yeah, they really don't get a lot of time alone.


Well, then we should make it up to them.


Give them some space.


People want to be alone,


then they should meet in a back service hallway.


That way no one will ever even find out about them.


And just because it's a secret


doesn't make their love for each other any less real.


What are you talking about?


Nothing.


Uh...that was a pretty specific nothing.


How about tonight the four of us do something


and let Jonesy and Nikki have some time alone?


We could go to the amusement park!


Okay!


Don't know if I can make it.


Why not?


Well you see, I got... uh...


Other plans?


I just can't...


I'm... well, uh...


Oooh! Jude has a secret!


Tell me!


You know I'm not really good with secrets,


so please don't ask me.


What are you doing tonight?


What are you doing tonight? What are you doing tonight?


What are you doing tonight? What are you doing tonight? What are you doing tonight?"],…}


Ahhhh!


I feel kinda guilty about last night.


Was I was too hard on them?


I talked to Jen this morning and everything's fine.


Tonight, we watch movies at my place...


ALONE.


Okay...


so pick something half decent.


Catch you later.


All right!


So, my good man, what do you recommend?


"Rabid Albino Vampires".


What's it about?


Rabid... Albino....


Vampires.


Hmmm...


I want to rent something for the woman.


You know, something she'd like.


Well, then how about "Tears on my Untamed Heart at Sunrise"?


Is it any good?


I haven't seen it! It's for chicks!


Okay. What is it about?


A guy meets this girl on a train


and he falls in love with her or something.


Mmmm.


But he's too shy and she gets off the train


before he can confess his feelings.


But he finds her diary on the floor


and reads all about her life and how lonely she is,


JUST LIKE HIM!


And then the last page of the diary is all about


how she wishes she had the courage to talk to this dude


across from her on the train!


Him, HIM! She loves him back!


He knows he has got to find her now


because the time is running out, see?!


Are you sure you haven't seen this movie?


Ahem.


No charge.



And that's why you can't tell anyone.


Oooh! You're her secret boyfriend!


Stealing covert kisses,


planning secret rendezvous,


this is so romantic!


Where are you meeting her next?


Behind a dumpster.


Oh.


You two out! We're watching a movie.


Forget it.


Moo Goo Kung Fu is on at eight.


I don't care. Scoot.


We were here first.


OW OW MOM!


Hey, I'm not even touching you!


Oh forget it.


Let's just watch the movie in your room.


Awesome.


Jude, I thought you were meeting with --


not... us...


Uh, you know...


My dentist?


Yes, your dentist!


Your dentist works at night?


Yeah.


He said that's when most cavities happen.


Okay... so let's start with the Vomit Comet!


Yeah! Yeah!


No! Every time we come here we start with the roller coaster


and then everything after that feels like a let down.


Well, then what's your suggestion?


Well, I've made an itinerary. Oh no...


It goes from the least to the most exciting activity,


with a change of location every minutes.


Fine.


This is gonna be fun.


WOMAN IN FRENCH ACCENTIt was too late...


her stop had come... and gone.


[ STOMACH GROWLING ]


You okay?


Yep. Sure. Fine.


[ STOMACH GROWLING ]


Do you need more popcorn?


No! No..


I just ... bathroom.


I'll pause it.


NO DON'T! I, uh, want you to keep watching.


I think I can wait.


Okay, be back.


[ STOMACH RUMBLING LOUDLY ]


[ STOMACH RUMBLING ]


Is someone in the bathroom?


Yeah, Jen's mom is taking a bath.


There's one upstairs right next to Jonesy's room.


Yeah. I know. That's why I'm here.


Got any other bathrooms?


Nope.


Hope it's not number two.


You know what, Diego, you're a -- [ STOMACH RUMBLING ]


I'll tell you later!


Oh please!


Come on.


What? Come on!


JONESYThe door's a little tricky sometimes.


[ STOMACH RUMBLING ] Ohhhhh!


Slamming it won't help, you gotta -- there you go.


Thanks!


[ LOUD FARTING SOUNDS ]


[ PROLONGED FARTING SOUND ]


[ FARTING CONTINUES ]


♪ La, la, la, la la, yeah, la la, la... ♪


♪ making noise, making noise ♪


♪ La, la, la, la!


[ ♪♪♪ ] [ FARTING CONTINUES ]


Oh.


Ahhh!


Why, why, why, why?


Oh no!


Oh, no...


Ugh!


[ ♪ ]


Okay, I admit the carrousel ride was disappointing.


Can we hit the Vomit Comet now?


Not before the space annihilator tournament


and the bouncy room!


Aww! Aww!Aww!


[ CELL PHONE PLAYS TUNE ]


Hello?


[ LOUD VIDEO GAME SOUNDS ]


Who? What?


You'll have to speak up.


You've got to help me.


Is this Nikki?


Jen, you're up!


Nikki, I'm passing you to Caitlin.


How goes the romance?


I'm in the bathroom.


The toilet is clogged.


Eww!


I don't know what to do!



WYATTWhat's going on?


No, please don't tell --


Nikki clogged the toilet!


NIKKICaitlin!


Whoa! Sorry, Nikki.


It's okay. We're all friends here.


Oh, by the way, congrats on Melinda Wilson.


Nice catch! Caitlin, that was supposed --


No time, Jude. Nikki's in trouble.


Don't worry, Nikki, I know what to do.


You'll need eyeliner, an eyelash curler, a hair brush.


curling iron. set on medium to hot,


one cotton ball soaked in toner


and a can of aerosol hair spray.


JONESYIs everything okay in there?


NIKKIJust freshening up!


While you're waiting for the curling iron to heat up,


Take the eyeliner and put it in your mouth for seconds.


It softens it for smudging.


Using the soaked cotton ball,


remove any dirt and grime from your face.


Wait.


How is any of this stuff going to unclog the toilet?


It won't,


but when you do come out you are going to look great!


Caitlin!


Do you have ANY idea how freakishly mad I am right now?!


When I get my hands on your scrawny little throat --


Wow, she is really upset about something.


Nikki. Nikki. Wait.


Jude is dating Melinda Wilson.


AHHHHHH!


YES! High score! Whoo!


Nikki is trapped in your upstairs bathroom with a clogged toilet.


Nikki, leave it, Jonesy's dad will fix it.


NIKKIIt's too late for that!


What do you mean?


Well, let me put it to you this way...


Elvis has NOT left the building.


There's a plunger behind the toilet!


Why is she taking a shower?


Okay, I am going to try flushing again.


[ TOILET FLUSHING NORMALLY ]


Ah, AH! It's working.


It's working!


[ TOILET STARTS GURGLING ] Oh wait. Oh no! Oh no!


It's going to overflow!


Whatever you do don't jiggle the handle.


WHAT?? Ahhhhhh!


She jiggled the handle!


Nikki!


Lift the lid to the back of the toilet,


you can stop the water!


What? Stop it how?


AH!


Ugh, ow. Ugh, oh...


Nikki? Nikki?


Oh no.


JONESYHello?


Jonesy? What happened to Nikki?


I don't know she ran right past me and out of the house.


The bathroom is a disaster,


and there's something on the -- Ahhhhhh!


Jonesy! Jonesy! Listen to me!


Jude is dating Melinda Wilson.


Ah, come on!


Sweet!


Whoa, oof!


Oh, gross!


It's going to be fine, Nikki.


One time I went through an entire date


not knowing I had a booger hanging out of my nose.


And he still wanted to see you?


No actually, I never heard from him again.


Nikki, it's different for you and Jonesy,


you've known each other forever.


My bet is he's already forgotten about it.


Where you going?


Why do you want to go in there?


What are ya gonna do?


Well, that's a little personal.


You sure you need to go?


Oh darn! We're closed for cleaning.


No one can use this bathroom!


Go away!


Jonesy?


Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I'm fired.


Did you and the little lady enjoy


"Tears on my Untamed Heart at Sunrise"?


Huh?


Oh, yeah... we didn't finish it.


What?


How could you shut it off!


Have you no love? No soul?


Something... happened.


Was it the apocalypse?


Because there would be no other acceptable reason


to press stop on this film!


Jonesy fell down into Nikki's used toilet water.


Ooh, Harsh!



It's no big deal.


Are you kidding me? You've seen the horrible truth.


Woman are just as gross as men.


Women will never be as sexy to you as they once were.


Gosh, sorry about you and Nikki,


you were a good couple.


Oh, we'll work it out.


Ha! There's no going back, Jonesy.


The lights are on.


Welcome to my side of the planet,


the lonely side!


What if Wayne's right?


What if Nikki and I can't get over this?


I think the sooner you two talk the better it will be.


Good call. Catch you two later.


Melinda!


Um, isn't your relationship supposed to be a secret?


Yeah, but now that all you guys know,


it doesn't matter.


MELINDA!


Maybe you shouldn't --


MELINDA!!


Guess she couldn't hear me.


Uh, why was I the last to hear about this?


I didn't tell anyone!


You told me.


My extra large mistake.


Jude, being a secret boyfriend is never a good thing.


But... If she isn't proud to be with you


then why are you hanging out with her?


Because she's crazy hot?


Don't you want to be able to hold her hand at school?


Meet her friends? Invite her to parties?


Yeah!


Then tell her that she either accepts you as you are,


or it's over!


Okay!


Melinda I need to meet you right now!


Where?


Okay...


Way to show some self-respect.


I'm really proud of you!


Thank you.


Now if you'll excuse me,


I need to go wait in a garbage can.


Hello? Hey.


Oh. Hi.


So... How are you?


Fine. Mm-hmm.


You?


Should we talk about this, or...


Jonesy, I have to go.


Uh... not GO, go...


I, you know what, I have too many customers now, okay?


Oh. Okay.


I guess we'll...


Talk later. Okay.


Bye.


I need to know the truth,


are you embarrassed of me?


Jude, of course not.


Uh-oh! Ouch!


Are you sure? Yes.


But I can't believe that you told all of your friends about us!


I didn't!


I told one of my friends, and now they all know.


That's the same thing!


Not exactly. See -- OW!


What were you saying?


Was I saying what?


Never mind!


Look, Jude, tell your friends to keep their mouths shut.


If my friends hear about us, it's over.


Okay.


Later!


I'm late for work... later.


What are you doing?


What?


You've got to find a way to fix this!


Yeah, Jonesy, Nikki is really embarrassed.


It's up to you to show her you still feel


the same way you did before the "incident."


I don't know if I do!


Oh no. I think Wayne's right.


I can't go back.


Since when do you take advice from


I've-never-been-a-date- with-a-woman Wayne?


Just remember how much of low-down loser you were


after you lost Nikki the last time.


And how hard it was to get her back.


And that you're a better person when you are with her.


And that she clogged your toilet.


Jude! Jude! Jude!


True story.


Aw, man!


Fine, Jonesy. Take Wayne's advice.


Maybe if you're lucky you'll end up just like him.


Bitter, greasy and alone for the rest of your life.


I can fix this!


Now, what about you and Melinda?



I think I just came up with a plan.


I'll let ya know how it goes.


Fine then. Meeting adjourned.


Awwww! Awwww!


[ BELCH! ]


Ewww! Ewww!


I'm gross all the time, ALL the time! [BELCH]


And you accept that.


So I can totally accept that you were gross once.


Hey, thanks.


[ MELINDA GRUNTING ]


All right. I got your message.


Why am I here?


I figured out how you can prove


I'm an important dude to you.


Fine. How?


What is that smell?


I farted. EWWWWW!!!!!


If you can't stay with me now,


this is never going to last.


[ HE FARTS ]


That one slipped out.


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!


Goodbye, Melinda.


I'm sorry it didn't work out.


[ HE FARTS ]


JUDEThat's the smell of a love that was never meant to be.


[ ♪ ]