01x07 - Freddy's Birthday

[bunniefuu]

If you ask me, that staging
of Turandotwas a Turandon't.

Well, I still say it was a

refreshingly
modern adaptation of a classic work.

Refreshingly modern? Good lord.

They changed the imperial palace
to a Costco in Chicopee.

That's odd.

Frederick told me
he had plans this evening

when I invited him to the opera.

I didn't realize it was a date.

Oh, I was a backup choice, was I?

Fine. I'll just write that
in our friendship ledger.

- In red.
- Oh, now.

That sly dog, he clearly traded up.

[CHUCKLES] Ditched his old man
for an evening

with an enchanting ingenue.

Let's go say hello.

Frederick, you old dog, you,
who is this lovely...

serpent!

Hello, Frasier.

Lilith. Dear God. [SHORT CHUCKLE]

Who looked in a mirror
and said your name three times?

Frasier, I almost didn't recognize you.

I'm used to seeing you wedged
between commercials

for injury attorneys and walk-in tubs.

I'm just joking. I've never
seen your television show.

[CHUCKLES]

It's good to see you.
But... if you're here,

then who's minding the children

you've lured to your gingerbread house?

Okay, you crazy kids.

Wonderful to see you again, Lilith.

I know it's been ages,

but I trust the venerable tree
of our friendship

will bear sweet fruit once again.

Who are you?

[CHUCKLES] There's the rapier-like wit.

En garde.

Seriously, who are you?

Alan. Alan Cornwall.

"Cornie."

Le petit cornichon.

[CHUCKLES]

Frasier's best friend.

I gave a toast at your wedding in Aruba.

I wore a white linen suit

and you told me that
I look terrible in a fedora.

You'll have to be more specific.

I say that to everyone in a fedora.

Alan, why don't you
get us a couple of drinks?

Freddy, why didn't you tell me

you were having dinner with your mother?

I'd like to cede my time to Alan.

Oh, splendid. So, Lilith...

No.

I had no idea our son lied to you

and rejected you tonight.

If I had, I would have had
a much better time this evening.

See, this is exactly why I lied.

I don't need the drama you guys bring

when you're in a room together.

We need to keep you separate,

like North Korea and South Korea.

- She's North Korea.
- I'm North Korea.

Frederick, we've been
divorced for decades,

we have no drama.

Because you lived
thousands of miles apart.

But now you're both in Boston

and you're already
sniping at each other.

We are perfectly capable
of getting along.

Yes, these barbs
that we toss at each other

just show our playful rapport.

Yes, when I tell your mother

that she looks exactly
as I pictured her,

except she's not tied
to a stake, cursing villagers

who are adding kindling to the fire,

it's just cutesy banter.

When I liken your father
to a potato chip

at the bottom of the bag

because he's broken
and no one wants him,

it's just harmless fun.

So, just to be clear, this is you guys

proving you can get along?

I'll tell you what. We will
prove it to you for real.

The two of us can take you out
next week for your birthday.

Uh...

Oh, I know that look.

Is deception afoot?

- No. Dad...
- Uh...

Frasier, there's
no easy way to say this.

Frederick's friends are throwing
him a birthday party

and he didn't invite you
because he'd already invited me.

Oh, I was wrong. That was very easy.

That's all right.
I already have plans next week.

I'll be busy trying to remove
the Kn*fe from my back.

I'm sorry, Dad.

It's just... Well, Mom lives here,

so she's used to coming
to my birthday parties.

One might say I created his birthday.

Maybe you and I could
do something the next day.

Ah, the next day. Of course.

People are always clamoring
to celebrate major events

the next day.

Are you busy on the fifth of July?

Got any plans yet for Easter Monday?

How about seis de Mayo?

I'm sorry, Freddy, it just
doesn't seem fair, honestly.

I mean, now-now that I'm living here,

I should be invited to things, too.
Especially your birthday.

Yes, Frederick, stop being so selfish.

Let your birthday
be all about your father.

FRASIER: Oh, that's ridiculous, Lilith.

-I'm not saying that,
-You are narcissism incarnate.

I'm just asking
to be included in something.

Okay, that's enough.
You know, this has been

a great trip down
repressed memory lane, but...

I have a solution.

You're both cordially
uninvited to my birthday.

Well done, Frasier.

You're off the hook as a parent.

Why is this man running commentary

on our family affairs?

We spent a week in Aruba.

I translated for you to the police

when you threw your coffee
at that bellboy.

Yes. Um... Off you go.

Thank you.

This is your fault.

But your friend Ichabod isn't wrong.

If we're not careful, our son

will shut both of us out of his life.

- Sounds a tad dramatic.
- Does it?

What if Frederick has children?

If we can't be in the same room
at the same time,

does that mean that
one of us will miss out

on our grandchild's first steps?

You're right.
First, we're banned from his birthday,

then we're forbidden
to go to his wedding.

Before you know it,
the maternal grandmother

is-is naming the first baby.

And we end up with a grandchild
named Gisella.

- I hate his wife's family already.
- Mm.

You know, Lilith,
I-I came back to Boston

to be a part of Frederick's life
and to get to know him better.

We've got to figure out
something to fix this.

Honestly, not dealing
with my parents at the party

is kind of a birthday gift to myself.

Oh, my parents were the same.

Always fought over the silliest things.

My father hated my mother's cooking.

My mother hated my father's boyfriends.

Freddy, maybe this is a chance

for you and your parents
to work things out.

Give me one good reason I should try.

Because my son will never
be in the same room

with both his parents.

But you have an opportunity here.

Yeah, okay. You're right.

I'll go invite them both to my party.

Quite an angle.

Invoking your deceased boyfriend.

You win a lot of arguments that way?

Haven't lost yet.

Hey, Mom and Dad, I...

We would like you to invite both
of us to your birthday party.

Oh, uh, I was just gonna say that, uh...

We'll do anything if you say yes.

Uh, I don't know, Dad.

It's... it's kind of a big ask.

You know, plus, I got a lot
on my plate trying to

figure out how I'm gonna
pay for an open bar...

Oh, yes, yes. Uh, uh...

I'll gladly pay
for everyone's drinks. So?

Great! Let's have a party.

- Wonderful!
- Hooray!

Can't wait. And you know

it's not a party without Alan.

Who's Alan?

_

[PINS CRASHING]

Bowling.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Good lord. What were you doing...

lowering someone
into a pit of alligators?

Trying to raid a lost ark?

Maybe romance a stone?

All good ones, Frasier.

This is the suit I wore to your wedding.

I'm hoping a visual clue
will help jog Lilith's memory.

Ah, yes, yes, and while
you're doing that,

I'll be busy trying to convince
Frederick that I can be amicable

with the sea witch
who stole that mermaid's voice.

[CHUCKLES]

You've got a lot of those, haven't you?

Yeah, I've been saving 'em up.

Oh, hello.

- Oh.
- Oh, sorry.

David, what the hell are you doing?

I'm the birthday coordinator.

And Frederick asked you to do this?

Oh, he insisted...

that I didn't.

But right here's where you get
your rental shoes.

And, uh, make sure
you take one of these.

It enters you in the birthday raffle.

Thank you. And what's the prize?

Oh, the prize is a chance to solve

an ever-increasingly intricate
set of riddles

ultimately culminating in, well, uh,

ha-happy solving.

- Dad.
- Oh! Freddy. [LAUGHS]

There you are. Happy birthday.

Thanks.

Many happy returns, Freddy.

I'm afraid I'm not a hugger.

My emotional state is very much
in the Victorian era.

But I can offer you a birthday nod.

Okay. Well, that's done.
We bowling or what?

Hey, no street shoes on the lanes.

You got to rent a pair.

Yes, of course. Uh...

- Size , please.
- And a nine.

Oh, dear lord. Anybody
could have worn these shoes.

Especially in this neighborhood.

So close to Boston College.

Yeah, and we got to take your shoes

to make sure you don't steal ours.

Curses.

You've foiled my dastardly
shoe heist plan, Chip.

What's the bowling alley equivalent of

"park these out front"?

Okay, Dad, Mom's here.
Y-You two can be civil,

- yes?
- Yes, of course we can be civil.

I'll show you civil.

Happy birthday, Frederick.

Thanks, Mom.

I brought you a gift.

Hello, Lilith. Do I look familiar now?

Oh, come on, Mom.

Surely you recognize
the mayor of Key West.

FRASIER: No.

No, no, he's that
chicken magnate from "Kantucky."

Oh, no, Dad, he's obviously

the simple country lawyer who doesn't

have a lot of fancy book learning

but knows the good people
of this parish.

Oh, Frederick, please,
don't insult the supervillain

who squared off against James Bond

at the Monte Carlo Casino.

Boys, please.

They're just joking. I know who you are.

So, go ahead

and welcome us to Jurassic Park.

I must go.

I have a riverboat to catch.

- Shall we?
- Oh, oh, Lilith,

no, you have to turn in your shoes.

[CHUCKLES] No.

Excuse me.

I was here last year for my son's party.

It's Chip, isn't it?

I'll be keeping my own shoes, yes?

Yes, of course, Dr. Sternin.

I didn't even ask for them, he did.

Probably don't even have her size.

Do you even carry anything
in woman's cloven?

- Hey!
- Hello!

- Dr. Sternin, good to see you.
- Hello, Moose.

Well, Moose, you know Freddy's mother?

Oh, yeah. She started me on art therapy.

Helped me get in touch with my feelings.

I do watercolors now.

Check it out.

That's me throwing my dad

off the Empire State Building

in front of his mistress.

Think it has something
to do with my fear of heights.

We should go back to twice a week.

Hey, Dr. Sternin, uh,
I-I brought you a drink.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Thank you.

Now, I know you said never to hug you...

and I think that that's working for us.

I'll go find Freddy.

Eve. Why are you bending over
backwards for Freddy's mother?

I'm not. I'm just trying to make sure

that you both have a lovely evening.

Well, thank you, that's very kind.

I would love a cocktail, too.

Of course. The bar is right over there.

Want to bowl on our team, Dr. Sternin?

We'll give you a fun scoreboard name.

Like Crazy Turkey.

Oh, that's good in bowling.

We'll even bowl for you
if you like because we know

how you feel about putting
your fingers in public holes.

Can you believe what Lilith's doing?

Oh, it's unconscionable.

Pretending she doesn't
remember me in Aruba.

I'm talking about how
she's deliberately flaunting

how much better she knows
Freddy's friends than I do.

Will you stop worrying about Lilith?

It's all in your head.

Well, thank you, Not-So-Great Gatsby.

Suppose I have to be patient.

You know, it'll be my time to shine

once I show Frederick his gift.

Ah. A pen.

Are you going to use it to write
down what the present is?

Growing up, Freddy's favorite book was

The Catcher in the Rye.

So, I did some legwork today

and I was able to secure this pen,

once owned by

J.D. Salinger.

That's amazing.

Think of all the books
he didn't finish with that pen.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[EXCLAIMS] What?
How are you so good at this?

Well, the trick was
not getting good enough grades

to get into college.

No way. I'm a college dropout.

Never seen that as a plus till now.

Look at us, just being hot and dumb.

Tell me about it.
You know, if I worked at Dunkin,

- I'd be a Boston nine.
- Mm.

Hey, there you are.

You're missing your party, man.

Yeah. It's my birthday.

All my friends are out there,
and my parents.

You're having a bowling party?

Yeah, didn't you hear? He's turning ten.

Mm. How my parents doing out there?

Actually, they're behaving.

I think.

It's also an open bar.

So, I'm a tipsy bit tiny.

Tiny tip... [LAUGHS]

I've been drinking.

All right, everybody, gather around.

It's time for the gifts.

- Hey! The birthday boy.
- MOOSE: It's the gifts, buddy.

Happy birthday, Frederick.

From your loving mother.

Me.

Oh. Wow, Mom.

It's a football.

Because you like football.

Yeah, no, I... I-I get it. Thanks.

It's... That's great.

Just a football?

So much for one-upping me. Huh.

I actually feel sorry for her.

Oh, no, wait... it's gone. [CHUCKLES]

Just a moment,
this was supposed to be signed.

Excuse me a minute. Uh...

Pardon me, sir.

- Oh!
- Whoa!

FREDDY: Vince Wilfork?

No friggin' way! Vince Wilfork's here!

- Oh, my God, oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

I don't know who this is
but I'm so excited

- by your excitement.
- Yes.

He won the Vincent Lombardi trophy.

I'm told that's a big deal.

Mr. Wilfork, I...

I watched you win the Super Bowl
twice with the Pats...

those were the...

those were the best nights of my life.

Mom, how did you...

Well, uh, Mr. Wilfork
is an old acquittance.

Well, actually, I was her patient.

- Wait, really?
- VINCE: Yes.

Your mom helped me tackle
the scariest linebacker of all:

shyness.

Your mom really helped me out.

Happy birthday, Freddy. Got a pen?

- Uh, pen...
- Oh, found one!

Oh...

- It's not working.
- Try licking it.

No!

What a piece of junk.
Anyone got a Sharpie?

[WHIMPERS]

Frasier, you probably
don't want to hear this,

but, um, could you take a picture of me,
and Vince Wilfork?

This is unbearable. I can't
keep losing in front of my son.

Oh, don't sell yourself so short.

You can and you will.

Lilith's been outshining me
the whole night.

Freddy's friends are clearly
drawn more to her.

She had the better gift.

Chip prefers her, too.

Chili fries for the lady.

- On the house, of course.
- Oh.

Thank you, Chip.

Oh, these are revolting.

Would you throw those away
for me, please?

Yes, of course, ma'am.

Uh, another dirty mojito, please.

You.

I remember you.

You were the wedding guest
who kept pestering the bartender

to add olive brine to the mojitos.

Yes! And you called me
the briny bastard.

And after you downed seven of them,

you grabbed the microphone
and told a bawdy story

about a brothel in Amsterdam.

Yes. My go-to wedding toast.

And then you broke
into the hotel menagerie

and fed all the animals
$ , worth of caviar.

We were charged for that fiasco.

At which point you said

you were going to "pop into your car,

grab your wallet and pay us back."

I never saw you again.

Lilith, I'm so flattered
you remember me.

And I must say that
I feel absolutely dreadful

about not paying you back.

Just let me pop out to the car
and get my wallet.

[SIGHS]

And what are you doing
sitting here, missing the party?

I hate to get sportsy, but...

this evening has been a home run.

Maybe for you.

"I hate to get sportsy."

[SCOFFS]

You sound like a full-on sports lover.

Take that back.

Sports lover.

No, I...

Angel. There you are.

You guys good?

- Never been better.
- We are having great fun.

Admit it, you played dirty
with that extravagant gift.

I wasn't playing dirty.

I'm sure you'd have thought
of the same gift

if you knew our son as well as I.

Horse twaddle.

You don't know him better than I do.

Of course I do.

I've been present
almost his entire life.

You were never around.

Well, I'm around now.

You'd be surprised
how close we've grown.

You're lucky there isn't some
quantifiable way to prove

which of us knows Freddy best.

It's time for the Freddy quiz.

Whoever proves to know Freddy best wins!

Game on.

_

Everyone gather around.
Time for the Freddy quiz.

Uh, David, could we pull
the plug on this whole thing?

I just met this girl

and I'd love to not be
embarrassed in front of her.

I would never embarrass you.

All right, first question.

What nail polish did Freddy
wear when he was goth?

Sabbath Black.

He had me go into something
called Hot Topic.

Correct. Point for Aunt Lilith.

Poi-Point for Dr. Sternin.

Next question:
what is Freddy's blood type?

He's O-negative.

Correct. Universal donor, what a hero.

Next, what is Freddy's favorite book?

Oh, I know this one.

The Catcher in the Rye.

Well, it was until he read Oliver Twist.

Freddy, is that true?

I like books about orphans.

Wonder why.

Another point, Dr. Sternin.

[WHISPERS]: You're doing very poorly.

Yes.

Thank you, Tiny.

Next question. What is
Freddy's favorite breakfast?

Easy. "Captain" Crunch.

The same since he was six years old.

I'm sorry, Lilith, uh, lately

Freddy has been enjoying
my eggs benedict.

The one where I replace the ham
with truffle-crusted lobster.

Why are you cooking him breakfast?

Well, we're living together,
so it'd be rude for me

to make breakfast and not include him.

Oh.

Did someone neglect to tell you
that we're living together?

Is this true?

Uh... I'd like to cede my time
to Alan again.

Alan's not here.

Who is Alan?!

Well, well, well.

Seems someone doesn't know her son

as well as she thought she did.

Dr. Sternin, you're a sports lover.

What's the phrase they use
in sports when they, uh,

is it, uh...

"In your face"? Yes, I believe it is.

- In your face!
- In yourface!

E-Enough!

This is why I didn't want
you both at my party.

It's-it's just like my sixth birthday

at the Boston Opera all over again.

Or my tenth birthday
at the Seattle Opera.

Or my th birthday back
at the Boston Opera.

Oh, and by the way,

it would've been nice to have
a clown at one of my parties

who wasn't singing in Italian!

Now would you please just both leave?

- Question five, which...
- David.

_

[KNOCKING]

Ah. Lilith.

Thought I heard
the neighborhood dogs howling.

How did you find me?

The coconut scent
of your bronzer lured me

like a cartoon vagabond
to a pie on a windowsill.

Eve told me.

Won't you come in?

I'm here to inspect
our son's living quarters.

Of course you are.

Would you care for a drink?

Thank you.

Boy...

we were in rare form today, weren't we?

Doing what we do best.

Strange, that in the middle of
our sniping I thought to myself,

"Ah, the good old days."

I felt that, too.

Well, since it's why you're here,

shall I show you Freddy's room?

Thank you.

Is that Rorschach wallpaper?

[CHUCKLES] Yes. What do you see?

I see someone trying too hard.

As hard as I'm trying to find fault

with Frederick's new
living arrangements,

they are absolutely tolerable.

High praise indeed.

Are you unwell?

No, but what I'm about to say

may very well destroy me.

You were right.

I beg your pardon? You said what?

You were right.

You were right. You were right.

I was competing.

Marking my territory
with Frederick's peers

like a warm and nurturing mama bear.

But why?

You were always close with Frederick.

You were already winning.

Neither of us was winning.

He lied to us both.

He knows we cannot
be in the same room together.

After years,
what the hell's wrong with us?

You know people don't easily change.

I thought we were better than people.

I wonder

if we're competing
for Frederick's affection

to relieve some of the guilt we feel

for breaking up our family.

Ah.

Guilt. The legal tender
of the divorced parent.

Interesting analysis, Dr. Sternin.

Thank you, Dr. Crane.

Well, at least we didn't
screw him up completely.

He was doing pretty well with
that girl at the bowling alley.

Who knows? A year from now,

we might be
bouncing Gisella on our knee.

Happier times.

Mm.

- That I usually ruined.
- Yes.

Gosh, I sure did make some
big mistakes back in the day.

[SIGHS, CHUCKLES]

[VOICE BREAKING]:
I have a lot to make up for.

Frasier.

I don't like to see you suffer.

I mean, I do, but

I appreciate that you're
here now for Frederick

and I'm sure that he does, too.

For what it's worth,

those early years,

we made a good team.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, a very combustible team.

[CHUCKLES]

If we weren't tearing
each other's heads off,

we were tearing
each other's clothes off.

It's funny.

I don't feel like
tearing your head off now.

I appreciate that.

Oh, dear.

How are my hands?

Cold as the Rockies.

Oh, my God! What...

Are you... are you making out on my bed?

- No. No. No.
- I-I... I'm sorry, no.

No, if it helps,

we were thinking about you
the whole time.

Where's my sexy little...

Oh, my God, why are
your parents in here?

I'm out.

Thanks for ruining my birthday.

Twice.

I'll take Christmas,
you take Thanksgiving.

Deal.

["TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS" PLAYING]

FRASIER: Y'all know how this goes.

♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪

Yeah, maybe. But I got you pegged.

[CHUCKLES]

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Life's callin' again. ♪

Bye-bye!