03x01 - The Drake and Josh Inn

[bunniefuu]

Josh: Ok. Drake's A
Pretty Awesome Guy.

Drake: Sometimes
Josh Is Ridiculous.

Josh: But He Doesn't Understand.

The Importance
Of Setting Limits.

Drake: Case In Point...

Josh: Take Last Halloween...

Drake: Last Halloween, Me And.

Josh Went To This Huge Party At

The San Diego Megadome...

Josh: Drake And I Were At This.

Party, Right...

Drake: So I Found A Garbage Bag.

And Loaded It Up With, Like,

Pounds Of Candy.

Josh: And Drake Comes Home With.

This Ginormous Sack Of Candy.

Drake: So Josh Goes On His.

Computer And Prints Out A

Schedule Of When
I Should Eat It.

Josh: So I Created A Compu.

Calendar To Help Drake Plan His

Candy Consumption.

Drake: Yeah. I Was Supposed To.

Eat, Like, Pieces Of Candy

Per Day For The Next Year.

Josh: Then He Locked Me In The.

Closet And Ate The Entire Bag Of

Candy In, Like, A Half Hour.

Drake: Then I Locked Josh In A.

Closet And Ate The
Entire Sack Of Candy.

Josh: And Then He Threw Up.

Drake: I Puked.

Josh: And After
That, He Falls Asleep.

Drake: Then I Fell Asleep,

So Josh Slept In The
Closet That Night.

Josh: Kid's Gotta
Know His Limitations.

Drake: It's Fun Locking
Josh In Closets.

Megan: What?

Drake: ♪ We're Gonna
Be The Boss Of You ♪

Josh: ♪ And You Have
To Do What We Say ♪

Drake: ♪ Ha Ha ♪

Josh: ♪ Ha-Ha Ha Ha ♪

Megan: Ok. You Can't Sing.

You're A Moron. And What Are You

Talking About Anyway?

Drake: We're Talking About The.

Fact That Mom And Dad Are Gonna

Be Out Of Town All Weekend.

Josh: Which Means We Are In.

Charge Of The House...

Drake: The Refrigerator...

Josh: The Tv Set...
Drake: And The You.

Megan: Oh, You
Guys Really Think.

You're Gonna Be In Charge?

Josh: Yeah, We Are.

Drake: In Fact, I've Just.

Decided To Change The Channel.

[Changes Channel]

Megan: I Was Watching Something.

Josh: Um... Were.

Drake: Yeah, Good One.

Megan: Give Me The Remote.

Drake: I Don't Think So, Megan.

In Fact, Why Don't You Just Run

Up To Your... Hey!

Josh: What The?! Megan, You.

Can't Just Flip...
Oh, Yah... Uhh!

[Changes Channel]

Audrey: Ok, Boys, We're
About To Head Out.

Walter: Yeah, We Don't Want To.

Get Caught In
Traffic On The Way To...

Audrey: Ok. Why Are
You Guys On The Floor?

Josh: It's A Long,
Painful Story.

Audrey: All Right. Josh,

Now Here Is All The Information

About The Hotel
We'll Be Staying At.

Walter: So, Come On. Let's
Go. I Don't Want To Be Late.

Audrey: Ok. Um, Oh, And, Boys,

Here's $ . Now That Is For

Food And Emergencies Only.

Josh: Got It.

Walter: And Remember, L.A.'S.

Only Hours Away... Josh: Go.

Drake: Go. Have A Good Time.

Josh: Bye.

Drake: Ok, Megan.

Josh: You Have To Do
All Your Homework...

Megan: Listen To Me.

You Get On One Of My Nerves This

Weekend, And You'll Both Wake Up

Tomorrow Morning
Very Confused In Cuba.

Drake: Maybe We
Shouldn't Bother Her.

Josh: Word.

Drake: Oh, Hey, You
Hear That, Josh?

Josh: What?

Drake: It's Saying, "Spend Me,

Josh. Won't You Spend Me?"

Josh: Money Is Not A Puppet.

Drake: Come On. Josh:
No. All Right, You Heard.

Mom And Dad. This Money Is For

Food And Emergencies Only.

Drake: Yeah, Yeah.

Josh: What?

Drake: Man, How Much Fun Is It.

Spending Bucks?

Josh: Drake, We Have No Money.

Left? How Are We Gonna
Buy Food For Megan?

Drake: [French Accent]
Dinner Is Served.

Drake: ♪ I Never Thought

That It'd Be So Simple,
But I Found A Way,

I Found A Way, And...

If You Open Up Your Mind ♪

Chorus: ♪ See What's Inside ♪

Drake: ♪ It's Gonna Take Some

Time To Realize, But
If You Look Inside,

I'm Sure You'll Find,

Over Your Shoulder, You'll Know

That I Told You I'll Always Be.

Picking You Up When You're Down,

So Just Turn Around... ♪

Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh, Ooh ♪

Man, On Cell Phone:
Sir... Sir, Please?

I Know We Don't Have A

Reservation, But Every Hotel In

Town Is Full. Oh, Ok. I See.

No, Don't You Worry About It.

We Will Be Fine...
Sleeping In The Street!

Drake: You Hear That?

They Need A Place To Stay.

We Can Rent Them A Room At The

House While Mom
And Dad Are Away.

Josh: Hey, That
Is So, So Stupid.

Drake: Come On, Man. It's Gonna.

Be Spring Break All Weekend.

Josh: So?

Drake: So Every Hotel In.

San Diego Is Gonna Be Booked.

I Bet They Give
Us, Like, Bucks.

Josh: Look, We Had Bucks,

All Right, Which You Promptly

Threw Away On Bubble Gum,

A Wristwatch, A Telescope,

And A Mexican Robot.

Drake: Come On. This Is Cool.

[Robot Makes Sound]

Josh: Ok, That Is Pretty Cool.

[Robot Makes Sound]

Drake: Anyway, We Need Money.

Which They Will Pay Us.

Josh: They Wanna Stay At A.

Hotel, All Right?
Not Someone's House.

Drake: So Then We'll Tell Them.

Our House Is One Of Those Fancy

Hotels. You Know, What Do You

Call Them? Bed And Breakfast.

Josh: No.

[Robot Makes Sounds]

Josh: No.

[Robot Makes Sounds]

Josh: No!

[Robot Makes Sounds]

Josh: All Right.

Drake: Terry, Gail,
Right This Way.

Gail: Oh, This Is Lovely.

Drake: Thank You. It's Just A.

Little Place I Like To Call

The Drake And Josh Inn.

Terry: Great.

Terry: So Where Do
We, Uh, Check In?

Drake: Oh, Uh... Here.
Here, Uh, Just...

Go Ahead And Write Down Your

Names And... Other Hotel Stuff,

And Josh Will Take
Your Bags Upstairs.

Josh: Drake.

Drake: We'll Take
Your Bags Upstairs.

Terry: How Great Is It That We.

Found This Place?

Gail: I Know. It's So Nice.

They Really Made It Feel Like

It's Someone's Actual Home.

Terry: Hello.

Megan: Hi.

Gail: How Are You?

Megan: Good.

Terry: Uh, Have You
Been Staying Here Long?

Megan: Kinda.

Gail: How's The Food?

Megan: Drake! Josh!

Drake: Oh, Hey! Can We Talk To.

You In The Kitchen For A Second?

Megan: No. Josh:
Just For A Second.

Megan: No.

Put Me Down!

Josh: Hey!

Megan: You Know I Don't Like.

Being Lifted! And
Who Are Those People?

Drake: They Needed A Hotel.

Megan: And?

Josh: We Sort Of Told Them This.

Was A Hotel.

Megan: Ok, I'm
Calling Mom And Dad.

Drake: Stop Her!

Josh: Now, You May Have The.

Phone Back After We Talk To You.

Megan: I Wouldn't Want That.

Phone Back If I Were Dying On

The Kitchen Floor.

Drake: Where Are You Going?

Do Not Call Mom And Dad.

Megan: I'm Not Gonna Let You.

Turn Our House Into A Hotel.

Unless... Drake: What
Do You Want, Money?

Megan: No. I Don't
Need Your Money.

Drake: All Right. Then What's It
Gonna Take For You To Keep Quiet.

About This? Megan: You
Wanna Pretend This.

House Is A Hotel? Fine. Then I

Wanna Be Treated Like A Guest.

Josh: Huh?

Drake: What?

Megan: You Know, Make My Bed,

Bring Me Food, And
Anything Else I Want.

Josh: No. No Way.
No... Drake: Deal.

Josh: Deal?

Megan: Deal?

Josh: Ok.

[Telephone Rings]

Megan: I Ain't Getting That.

Drake: Me, Neither.

[Ring]

Josh: Hello?

Terry: Thanks.

Josh: Sure.

Terry: Mmm. This Coffee Is So.

Fresh. How Great Is This Place?

Gail: So Great.
Do You Know This.

Is The Nicest Bed And Breakfast

We've Ever Stayed At?

Josh: Just Let Me Know If.

There's Anything I Can Do To

Make Your Stay Here
More Pleasurable.

Gail: Can I Get Some
Honey For My Tea?

Josh: [Southern
Accent] Oh, Sure.

Thing, Honey.

Ma'am.

Drake: Hey, Josh. Josh:
[Regular Voice] Hey.

Drake: How Goes The Hotel Biz?

Josh: Pretty Good. We're Making

Bucks A Night Off These

Guys, And I Kinda
Like Running A Hotel.

Drake: I'm So Psyched To Hear
You Say That, 'Cause I've Been.

Down At The Beach All Morning.

Josh: Doing What? Drake:
Talking To A Bunch Of.

College Kids Who Are Here For

Spring Break With
No Place To Stay.

Josh: So?

Drake: Right In Here, Guys.

Josh: Wha... Wha...

The Girl... How Are You, Girl On

A Cooler? What... Boogie Board?

What... What The... Dog?

Whoa. What The...

Drake, You Can't Let These

People Stay Here.

Drake: Oh, Really? 'Cause About.

Half Of Them Paid In Advance.

Josh: Spring Breakers! Welcome.

To The Drake And Josh Inn!

Whoo!

All: Whoo!

Josh: You Guys Having Fun?

I Know I Am.

There Are More?

Oh. Hi.

Um... Beach Balls... Um, Hi.

[People Talking]

Josh: Oh, Come On, Guys. No.

Throwing Stuff In The Hotel.

Hey! Hey, We Have A
Strict "No Pet" Policy.

[Ruff]

Except For You.

Drake: All Right. That's It.

So Who Else Wants
Some Suntan Lotion, Huh?

[Chuckles] And We Just Ran Out.

Josh: Drake, This Is Out Of.

Control, All Right?
You Gotta Do Something.

[Limbo Music Playing]

Drake: Oh! Can't
Talk. Gotta Limbo.

Terry: Sir?

Josh: Yeah, What?

Terry: You Really Need To Clean.

The Pool. It's
Getting Pretty Dirty.

Josh: What Pool?

Gail: The One Upstairs.

Josh: Pool?!

Josh: Uhh!

Come On, You Guys! No One's

Supposed To Be In Our Room.

Hey, Who Put This Pool In Here?

Boy: Belly Flop!

[All Cheering]

Josh: Don't Even Think About.

Doing A Belly Flop!

All: Go! Go! Go!

Boy: Hey!

[Cheering]

Yeah!

Man: That Was Awesome.

Josh: Excuse Me!

Drake!

Drake, What Are You Doing?

Drake: Oh, Hey. This Is Nikki.

Nikki: Hey, I'm Nikki.

Drake: Yeah, She's In Beauty
School, So I'm Letting Her Give.

Me A Haircut.

Nikki: I Brought My Scissies.

Josh: Wow. That's...
That's Really Cool.

Nikki: I Know.

Josh: Now Go Away!

Drake: Whoa. What's
Your Problem?

Josh: Look, I Want All Of These.

People Out Of Here Now!

Drake: Are You Out Of Your Mind?

They're Paying Us A Fortune,

And I'm Having Fun.

Man: Hey, Man, Is
This Your Guitar?

Drake: [Gasps]

Ok. I Want All Of These People

Out Of Here Now!

Josh: All Right. Let's Do This.

Move! Move! Move! Out Of The

Way. Out Of The Way.

[Unplugs Stereo, Music Stops]

All: Hey! Hey!

Josh: [Fakes Crying] Sorry,

Everybody, All Right?!

But The Drake And Josh Inn Is

Now Officially Closed.

[All Groan]

Yeah, Sorry. So If Everyone Will

Please... Ow!

Drake: Wait! Hey!
What Are You...

[Music Starts]

Josh! Here, Get Up.

Josh: Uhh!

Drake: Here.

Man, How Are We Gonna Get All

These People Out Of Here?

Josh: There's Only One Person.

Tough Enough To
Handle College Kids.

Drake: Ok, You Go Get Help,

And I'm Gonna Stay
Here And Make Sure...

Josh: Helen? Helen!

Helen: What Are You Doing Here?

You're Not Supposed
To Work Today.

Josh: Look, I Need
Your Help, All Right?

Helen: You Wanna
Borrow My Ointment?

Josh: No. Look, I
Have People.

At My House.

Helen: How Much Ointment Do You.

Think I Have?

Josh: No. Look, All Right...

There Was A Party, And... And It

Sort Of Got Out Of Control,

And Now They Won't Leave,

And I Was Hoping Maybe You Could

Come Over And...
And Scare Them Away.

Helen: Ok, Look,
Josh, I Am Your.

Employer, And I Don't Feel It's

My Responsibility To Help You

Out Of Your Personal
Predicaments.

Josh: Please... Helen:
I Am Sorry, Josh.

Josh: You're... You're Right.

Helen: Mm-Hmm.

Josh: I... I Better Get Home.

Before All Those Insane People

Eat Drake Alive. Helen:
Drake's In Trouble?!

Whoa! Coming, Drake!

Move It Now!

[Music Playing]

Drake: Get Off Of...

Megan: Drake! I
Need Another Set.

Of Clean Sheets
Sent Up To My Room.

Drake: What? We Just Sent Clean.

Sheets Up There, Like, Hours

Ago. What Happened To Those?

Man: I'm Sheet Man!

♪ Da Da-Da Da ♪

Megan: I Want These
People Out Of Here!

Drake: So Do We!

Helen: Drake?! Drake?!

Where Is He?

Josh: There He Is!

Helen: Put Him...
You Better Put.

That Boy Down!

Josh: Drake, Are You All Right?

Drake: Uhh. Yeah.

Helen: Oh! Don't Worry, Honey.

Helen's Here. I'm Gonna Make All

These Bad People Go Away.

Drake: Oh, Thank You, Helen.

Man: Oh, Yeah. What's Up, Y'all?

I'm J.D. Warfield, And This Is

Mtv Spring Break Coming At Ya

From Beautiful San
Diego, California.

[Cheering]

Helen: Mtv? Well, I Do Love The.

Music Television.

Josh: Are These Guys
Really From Mtv?

Drake: Yeah, They Showed Up A.

Half Hour Ago.

Helen: ♪ I Want To
Love You, Feel You,

Wrap Myself Around You,

I Want To Squeeze
You, Please You,

I Just Can't Get Enough,

And If You Move Real
Slow, I'll Let It Go ♪

Help Me Out Now.

Drake: Ok, Why Did
You Bring Helen?

Josh: I Thought She'd Make All.

These People Leave.

Drake: Well, That's Not Exactly.

Working, Is It?

Helen: ♪ I'm So Excited ♪

All: Whoo!

Helen: ♪ And I
Just Can't Hide It ♪

All: Whoo!

Helen: ♪ I Know I'm
About To Lose Control,

And I Think He Likes It ♪

All: Whoo!

Josh: This Cannot Get Any Worse.

Drake: Hey! What...

Josh: That's Not Natural!

Walter: ♪ I'm So Excited,

And I Just Can't Hide It,

I'm About To Lose Control,

I Think I Like It,
I'm So Excited ♪

Audrey: What Are You Watching?

Walter: Oh, I Don't Know.

It's, Uh, It's Mtv. It's A Big

Spring Break Thing, I Think.

Audrey: Look At All
Those Insane Kids. Ha.

Walter.

Walter: Huh?

Audrey: Does That...

Does That Look
Like Our Living Room?

Walter: What?

Well, I Guess It Does,

A Little, But There's No Way

That Could Be Our House. I Mean,

Ha, Come On.

[Music Playing]

Josh: Do Not Eat That Cushion!

Oh!

[Telephone Rings]

Whoa!

Get In Here!

Drake: What?! What?!

Josh: Look At The Caller I.D.

Drake: Los Angeles! Mom And Dad?

Josh: Either Them
Or Lindsay Lohan!

Drake: Well, Just Answer It.

Josh: You Gotta Make These.

Freaks Be Quiet First.

[Blows Air Horn]

Drake: Ok, Now, Please, If.

Everyone Could Just Be Quiet

For Seconds, And Then You

Guys Can Make All
The Noise You Want, Ok?

Josh: Hello? Happy Saturday.

Audrey: Josh? Is Anything
Going On There?

Josh: Um, No. Ha Ha.
Nothing To Speak Of.

Audrey: Well, We're Watching Tv,

And We Could Swear We're Looking

At A Wild Party Going On In Our

Living Room.

Josh: It's For You!

Drake: Mom? What's Doing?

Walter: All Right. Drake, I
Don't Know What's Going On,

But We're Coming Home.

Drake: No! No! Uh...
[Hangs Up Phone]

You Can't! It's... Aargh!

Josh: So How's L.A.?

Drake: They're On
Their Way Home.

Josh: Oh! Drake: Man,
If We Don't Get All.

These People Out Of Here In Less

Than Hours,
Our Lives Are Over.

Josh: Well, What
Are We Gonna Do?

Drake And Josh: Megan!

Drake: Ok, What Do We Do?

Megan: Just Push That Thing...

Josh: I'm Pushin' It!

Megan: Now Open Up The Air.

Conditioning Vent.

Drake: Ok, Now What?

Megan: Now Help
Me Put This Hose.

Up Into The Vent.

Josh: Come On. Come On. Come On.

Here. Go, Go, Go.

[Music Playing]

[Blows Air Horn]

[Music Stops] Nikki:
Hey, What's Going On?

Man: Yeah, Crank
The Tunes Back Up.

Drake: Shh. Everyone,
Quiet, Please.

Josh: Ok, We Have An Emergency.

Drake: Uh, Yes. It
Seems We Have.

A Serious Gas Leak Here In The

Drake And Josh Inn.

Man: Oh, Uh, Sorry.
I Think That Was Me.

Josh: No! All Right. There Is A.

Serious Leak Of... Hydro...

Mon-Monoxopuff Gas.

Drake: Yeah. It Makes
Your Eyes Bleed.

Josh: So Everyone Will Please.

Leave The Building Immediately.

Second Man: I Don't Believe 'Em.

Nikki: Yeah. Come
On, Let's Party.

All: Yeah!

Drake: Now!

Megan: Copy.

[Machine Turns On]

Josh: Oh, No! Look!

Drake: It's The Monoxopuff Gas.

Helen: Cover Your Eyes, People.

Cover Your Eyes.

[All Talking]

Josh: Get Out! Get Out!

Helen: You Better Get
Out Of Here! Go On!

Josh: Now Lock It!

Now Hug Me, Brother!

Drake: Oh! They're Home!

Josh: Come On. Quick. Quick.

, , ... .

Drake: Oh, You
Lose A Turn, Josh.

Josh: Rats!

Walter: Ahem.

Megan: Oh. Look Who's Back.

Drake: Hey.

Audrey: Yeah... We're Back.

Drake: So How Come
You Guys Came.

Home So Early?

Walter: We Were
Watching Tv, And We Saw...

Audrey: A Whole Bunch Of Crazy.

College Kids
Partying Like Maniacs.

Walter: And A Dog And A Big.

Hairy Guy With A
Root Beer Bottle...

Audrey: And A Woman
Was Singing R&B Tunes.

Walter: She Had A Lazy Eye.

Audrey: And We Could Have Sworn.

It Looked Just Like Our House.

Drake: Yeah, Ok.

Josh: Come On. We Wouldn't Have.

A Party Without Your Permission.

Walter: Well...

I'm Sorry We Didn't Trust You.

Audrey: We Won't
Doubt You Again.

Walter: Hey, To Make It Up To.

You, Why Don't We All Go Out

For Some Pizza?
Drake: Oh, Great.

Megan: Awesome.

Josh: Uh, But,
Uh... First, Uh...

The Of Us Have To Go Do

Something Upstairs.

Drake: What Do We Have To...

Megan: [Laughs] Be Right Back.

Walter: I Wonder What
That Was All About.

Audrey: Teens Are Crazy.

[Knock On Door]

I Wonder Who That Is.

[Knock]

Walter: Yes, Officers,
Can We Help You?

Officer: Yes. Sir, Do You Know.

It's Against The Law To Host A

Televised Event From A Private

Residence Without A
City-Authorized Permit?

Walter: Huh?

Audrey: We Didn't Host
A Televised Event.

Officer: We Have Evidence
That Says You Did.

Walter: But, Officers...

Officer: Come With Us, Please.

Walter: Hold On...
But You See...

I'm A Weatherman.

Drake: Ok.

Josh: We're Ready.

Megan: Hello?

Josh: And I Cannot
Believe I Let.

You Talk Me Into Spending Our

Money That Was
Supposed To Be For Food.

Drake: I Bought
Gum. Gum Is Food.

Josh: Arrggh!

[Gum Splatters On Floor]

Helen: Josh!

Josh: What?!

Helen: Why Aren't You Working?

Josh: It's My Day Off.

Helen: Oh, And So You Think.

That's An Excuse
Not To Be Working?

Drake: Hey, Helen.
Helen: What Is It?!

Drake: Aah!