02x05 - Pool Shark

[bunniefuu]

I'm so excited!

I'm so annoyed.

My dad told me and drake

That since we're stepbrothers now,

We should start trying to hang out together more.

My mom's trying to get me

To hang out more with josh.

I'm really psyched about it.

k*ll me.

Maybe drake and I could learn to do magic tricks together.

Please k*ll me.

Me and drake just got to find stuff

That's fun for both of us to do.

Maybe I can move to australia.

I hear they have big shrimp there.

Maybe we could take a cooking class.

One sec.

Hey, drake!

You want to take a cooking class together?

[Falsetto accent] sorry, drake move to australia.

It's not even an australian accent!

[Falsetto accent] yes, it is.

Fromage.

That's french!

There it is.

I like it.

All right, that's two apiece.

Next game wins. Rack them up, chuck.

No can do, d-man. Gotta roll.

This is the last game.

You can't bail on me now.

Dude, I've got to take

My sister to her prom.

Hope they don't play too many slow songs.

Well, d-man, it looks like you forfeit.

No, I just need a new partner.

Ok, who?

Pick anyone you want.

Ok.

[Laughing] how about him?

Drake: no, no, no.

You said we could pick your partner.

It's him or you forfeit.

It's him.

Fine!

Hey, josh, come and play.

I'm working.

You're playing.

Ok.

Billiards?

I don't know, I've never played before,

But I suppose I could give it a sh*t.

All right, randy, you break.

Thank you.

Great, nothing.

All right, josh. We're going for stripes.

Just hit the white ball

And try and knock one in.

Stripes. Gotcha.

How did you do that?

What? It's just basic geometry and physics.

Good! Now make some more sh*ts.

Hey, is it against the rules

To knock in two striped balls at the same time?

No, that would be a good thing.

Cool.

Billiards is fun!

Yeah, it is!

♪I never thought that it would be so simple ♪

♪But I found a way, I found a way ♪

♪ If you open up your mind

♪ See what's inside

♪It's gonna take some time to realize ♪

♪But if you look inside, I'm sure you'll find ♪

♪ Over your shoulder you know that I told you ♪

♪ I'll always be pickin' you up when you're down ♪

♪ So just turn around

♪ Whoo

Drake: I'll be up in my room.

Darn it! Missed again!

Megan, what are you doing in my room?

Playing darts.

Well, get out.

You get out. It's my room!

Fine, then, I'm staying.

Fine!

Wait a minute.

That was so much fun!

I can't believe I made every sh*t!

I love billiards!

Ok, first of all, it's called pool.

And how long are you going to keep talking about it?

I don't know.

Hey, remember the sh*t when I hit the red ball off the blue ball?

Yes, josh, I remember.

Ooh! And remember when I jumped the cue ball

Over the blue ball and knocked in the purple ball?

Or was it magenta? I'm always confused.

Is it red? Is it--

Just sit there.

[Rock music playing]

And enjoy the music.

Darn it! Missed again!

Just face it, megan. Darts is not your game.

So teach me.

Ok.

Just hold the dart like this.

Uh-huh.

Keep both eyes open, focus on the bull's-eye,

Pull it back, and just let it go.

Oops. Oh, just forget it.

I can't do anything.

Yeah.

I bet you bucks I can make a bull's-eye.

Deal!

Go for it.

Hah! Cash, please.

No way! You just hustled me.

No, I didn't.

I just pretended to be bad so that you'd bet me,

And then I stopped being bad and I took your money.

That's hustling.

There's a word for it? Cool.

Hustling? I cannot believe that--

I didn't think of that!

Josh!

Aah!

Don't worry, I won't talk about pool anymore.

No, no, no, no!

I love it when you talk about pool!

In fact, what do you say

We go play some pool right now, you and me?

You mean we can be pool pals?

Only if you promise never to say that out loud again.

Come on.

So, who are we going to take on first?

Let's see.

Hey, eric, you guys want to play some pool?

No.

Not really.

Great. Rack 'em up.

Ok, now listen--

Don't worry, I won't miss a sh*t.

No, no, no, no.

I think we should go easy on these guys.

How come?

Well, you see, the thing is,

Eric's mom, she's not well.

What's wrong with her?

Uh, it's...her tongue.

Her tongue?

Yeah, it's huge, like times the size of a normal tongue.

Everyone at the hospital's baffled.

That's so sad.

Yeah, for like weeks, she couldn't even tell anybody what was wrong,

Because it just sounded like...

[Garbled noises]

Oh, man.

Yeah. So I think, for eric's sake--

Let's let him win, for his mom.

Your heart's as big as her tongue.

Ok. Hey, me and my brother are about to play some pool

In case any of you want to watch.

But just so you know, we're not very good.

Let's play.

sh**t, eric.

I know what to do.

Oh, eric!

We won.

Eric, we won!

I've never won anything before in my life!

Nice game, eric.

And good luck to your mom in the hospital.

My mom's in the hospital?!

Run, eric!

Eric: mom!

We did a nice thing.

Yeah, we did.

I'll go rack the balls.

Dude, I can't believe you and your brother

Just got b*at by those losers.

Oh, yeah, we stink.

Wanna play us for bucks?

Hah, yeah.

All right, josh.

Now these guys' moms have normal tongues,

So let's turn it on, ok?

So you want me to play good now?

That's what I'm saying.

Show 'em what you got.

Oh, I got.

Drake: awesome!

Get me a root beer?

Hey, sure!

Both: hug me, brother!

♪I love josh, I love josh

♪ Yes, I do, yes, I do

♪ He's so good at pool, he's so good at pool ♪

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa!

Looks heavy. Let me give you a hand with that.

It's just soup.

No, this is chowder. The heaviest of all soups.

Ok. Not that I don't appreciate all the attention,

But what are you doing?

Protecting your elbow.

My elbow?

Your pool-playing elbow.

It's just an elbow.

No, this is just an elbow.

This is a gift...

From the pool gods.

Thank you!

Can I eat my soup now?

Ah! Tsk, tsk, tsk! No unnecessary bending!

Let me do this.

Ahh.

Thanks, teammate.

That's right. Eat the chowder.

[Door closes]

Hey, guys!

You know how I'm always forgetting

Your mom's birthday?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Well, check this out. Huh?

Ooh. Whoa.

It's a limited edition

White gold tennis bracelet

From rutherford's.

It even has her birthstone, see? Blue topaz.

That's awesome! She'll love it!

Won't she?

Hey! Don't touch his pool-playing arm.

It's from the gods.

Hey, you guys want to play a little two-on-two?

Is he your partner?

That's right.

Yeah. Then we don't want to play.

What's their problem?

People are crazy.

I guess.

Here, I'll get us a game.

No, josh, let me--

Excuse me!

Anybody want to sh**t some stick?

Come on, who wants to play some pool?

Against you? No thanks, man.

Well, I am pretty good.

Yeah, pretty good at taking people's money.

What? I never played anyone for money.

Hey, hey, hey! What's all this talk about money?

We play pool for fun.

Good, clean, wholesome, not-for-money fun.

You guys are the worst.

Hustlers.

Were you betting on games behind my back?

No, of course not.

Excuse me!

If my brother took any of your money

In the past couple of days playing pool,

Please raise your hands.

Can I get you some chowder?

It's not funny.

You hustled these people.

Josh--

I thought we were teammates.

I thought you wanted to hang out with me

To have fun, not make a profit!

Profits are fun.

You used me, drake.

Josh, I was looking for you at school all day.

Where were you?

Avoiding you.

Hustler!

Look, I'm sorry, ok?

What I did was totally wrong.

Yeah, it was.

But I want to make it up to you.

I think I have something that will cheer you up.

What's that?

Come here.

Josh, I'm about to ask you a very important question.

Uh-huh?

Will you play pool with me?

Oh, my.

It's beautiful.

This is so unexpected.

So what do you say?

I say why don't we try this bad boy out?

Hey, how about this afternoon?

I've already got a couple of suckers lined up.

Yeah, this baby is going to make us a lot of money.

What?! I thought you said you were sorry!

I am sorry.

I thought you meant you were sorry you gambled

And you weren't going to do it anymore.

No, I meant I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was gambling,

And I definitely want to do it some more.

Man! I can't believe you!

I love playing pool, but you ruined it

With the gambling and the hustling

And the chowder assistance.

You can keep your pool cue.

What am I going to do with it?

Give it to a hobo!!

I am never playing pool again.

But, man, I need you. We're a team.

Sorry, drake, there's no josh in team.

I may have tripped,

But that does not diminish the impact of this exit!

Hey, josh?

What?

You hungry? You want an orange?

You like oranges.

Yeah, I like oranges. So?

So...

What do you think, josh?

Does it... Give you ideas?

I'm not playing pool anymore.

No gambling, no hustling.

Oranges.

Keep your citrus to yourself!

Josh!

Josh, we have things to discuss.

Discuss with the pillow!

Hi, guys. Walter, come here,

You have to see what I bought.

What did you get?

You know my birthday's tomorrow.

Really?

And this year I decided

To buy myself a little present.

Is that weird? I don't think that's weird.

Look.

It's a limited edition

White gold tennis bracelet.

From rutherford's.

Yes! Look, it even has my--

All: birthstone.

Lucky guess.

Well, it really is a unique bracelet.

Yeah.

Maybe you should go show megan.

Ok, where is she?

Some other part of the house. Run along.

Ooh, megan! Look!

Guys, I have to go work.

I don't have time to get your mom another gift.

Do me a favor.

Go out and get something else, will you?

Here. Something good.

Like what?

Oh, I don't know. Get her...get her some toothpaste.

She's always using toothpaste.

Dad, there's $ here.

Well...get her some mouthwash, too.

I'm just a man!!

Where are we? You sure you know where we're going?

Yeah, it's a shortcut.

So what do you think mom wants for her birthday?

[Sound of billiards]

Hey, is that a pool hall?

Geez, will you stop badgering me?

I told you, I am never playing pool again.

What, I just noticed the pool hall, honestly.

All right, you win.

I don't like hustling, and I don't like lying,

But since you want to play pool so bad, fine.

We'll play pool.

Seriously? You'll play pool?

Yeah. It'll k*ll me inside,

But if you can live with that--

Oh, I can live with it!

I mean, I'll just put aside all my morals

And everything I stand for, but if you can just tell me--

Hey! You coming or what?

[R&b playing]

Oh, yeah, we are going to make a lot of money here.

Drake, if we're going to do this,

We're going to do this my way.

Dude, no offense,

But this ain't the movie theater.

When it comes to pool, these guys don't mess around.

I know what I'm doing.

Time to hustle.

Uh, first rule,

Don't ever actually say the word, "hustle."

Gotcha.

Well, here I am, first time playing the pools.

Now I better go get me one of those pool bats.

Josh, you may want to cool it a little.

Don't worry. I learned from the best.

All right, rack 'em up.

I do hit this white one, right, drake?

Yeah.

Oh, sorry, fellas. I'm not too good,

And it's hard to sh**t with all this money in my pocket.

Josh, seriously, don't overdo it!

You boys looking for a game?

No, sir.

Yeah, we are.

But if you're going to play,

What do you large gentlemen

Say we make it interesting?

Josh, not them.

Relax. How much?

Bucks.

$?

Yeah, guys, I mean $, that seems kind of high.

I don't get out of bed for less than !

Josh!

Ok, two bills it is.

That's the money for mom's present.

We can't gamble with that.

Man, have you seen these guys?

Total chumps.

Hey, baldy, with the skull on your arm.

You can bat first.

[Laughing]

Aah!

You're up.

Well, I don't really know what I'm doing.

So here goes nothing.

Say, perhaps I have a knack for this game.

Ahh. Well, would you look at that?

Only one ball left for me to sink.

Josh: well, what do you know?

We won. That was fun, huh?

Now I believe the bet was $?

You know what, guys? Forget about the money. If you want.

Or you know what? You could send us a check.

Or not. Send us nothing. Nothing would be great.

Are you out of your mind?

I just kicked these losers' butts.

! Fork it over, frankenstein!

I'll give you to stop talking!

You know what? I'm thinking you punks just hustled us.

What? Us? Hustle you? No, no, no.

I mean, we're just kids, we're stupid.

We don't even know what the word "hustle" means.

That's how stupid we are. So, so stupid.

Lenny, lock the door.

Lenny, lenny, no need to lock anything.

We're just about to leave.

Not without my !

You're k*lling us!

Both: unh!

You know what we do to hustlers around here, kid?

Look, I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry!

Yeah, we tried to hustle you, and we shouldn't have.

My brother tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen.

And I shouldn't have done it, but I swear on my face

If you could find it in your hearts not to s*ab us,

I'll never hustle you or anyone ever, ever again, ever.

Ok. Chip, ronnie, I think he learned his lesson.

Ha ha ha!

Just in time, too.

I thought he was going to pee in his pants!

Oh, how great would that have been!

[Whines]

What is going on?

Looks like the hustler just got hustled.

Wait a minute, this whole thing was a setup?

You know these guys?

Yeah, I do.

Drake, I'd like you to meet chip and ronnie.

My old camp counsellors.

Ha ha. Where did you go to camp?!

Not the point.

I just taught you a lesson in the evils of gambling.

Evils!!

Ok, I get it.

Good.

So you guys want to play a real game?

No, thanks. We've got to go get our mom a birthday present.

Oh, yeah? What are you going to get her?

I don't know.

You can't go wrong with jewelry.

Yeah.

Come on, let's go.

Is that a blue topaz stone?

Yup. Set in white gold.

Matches mom's new bracelet.

Yeah, totally. Would you sell it for bucks?

Oh, I'd be taking a loss, but...

For you.

Oh, thanks, chip.

Yeah, well, we really should get going.

So I hope we didn't

Scare you too bad, kid.

Yeah, we were just trying to help out

Our favorite little camper.

No, that's cool. I wasn't that scared.

Boo! Aah!

Ha ha ha.

Hello, perfect position for a cue ball.

, , I don't like you.

Eightball, meet pocket.

Pocket, meet eightball.

What's up now?

Ha ha, that's my brother!

Mmm!