02x07 - Little Diva

[bunniefuu]

I haven't met too many famous people.

One time the vice president of the united states

Came here to san diego.

Once josh and I were in the same room as the vice president.

I got to meet him.

I got to meet his -year-old granddaughter.

He was so vice presidential.

She was so hot.

After I shook his hand, I started to show him a magic trick.

Josh tried to show the vice president

A magic trick...

With a fork.

I do this thing where I make a fork go in one ear,

And then I pull it through my head and out the other ear.

But the bodyguards thought that josh

Was trying to att*ck the vice president.

His bodyguards wrestled me to the ground.

They confiscated his fork.

A big man took my fork.

The granddaughter-- I made out with her,

Until the vice president caught us and chased me down the street.

I never did get that fork back.

You got to be careful when you're dealing with famous people.

I miss that girl.

I miss my fork.

What's up, brother?

Hey, I thought you were on a date.

It finished. I figured I'd stop by and walk home with you.

Shouldn't you have walked your date home?

She knows the way.

Ahh! No free candy.

Not even if I show you my tummy?

Hey, thanks for the nightmares.

Drake parker.

Hey, helen. Looking prettier than ever.

Oh, you beast.

Did you offer him some free candy?

No. You said we weren't allowed--

Stop aggravating me and give this cute boy some free candy.

Thank you.

So, what's been up, helen?

Oh, there is something big happening here this weekend.

What?

Sorry, I can't tell you.

You know, it's top-secret hush-hush business.

Got to keep it on the down low.

We are having a real hollywood premiere

Right here in this theater!

A hollywood premiere?

For what movie?

I told you it was a secret!

It's for that new ashley blake movie.

Ashley blake? I love that girl. She's gonna be here?

Mm-hmm. For the premiere.

And for a big photo sh**t tomorrow afternoon.

Cool.

Cool? This is amazing.

I can't believe I'm going to meet a real movie star.

Pinch me.

I'm not pinching any part of you.

Helen, can I please help out with the premiere? Please?

I don't care.

Awesome.

But listen.

This is the biggest thing to happen to me in my life

Since I played putt-putt with dionne warwick.

So if you mess this up,

I will thump you like a melon.

You follow me?

Yes, ma'am. Like a melon.

Bye, drake.

I get to meet ashley blake.

How cool is that?

And no free candy!

Yeah.

♪I never thought that it would be so simple ♪

♪But I found a way, I found a way ♪

♪ If you open up your mind

♪ See what's inside

♪It's gonna take some time to realize ♪

♪But if you look inside, I'm sure you'll find ♪

♪ Over your shoulder you know that I told you ♪

♪ I'll always be pickin' you up when you're down ♪

♪ So just turn around

♪ Whoo

You! Me?

That's your name, isn't it?

Well, actually--

Are the lights set up?

Yeah. I was just about to--

Refreshments. What about refreshments?

I set up some soda--

You would get a lot more done

If you'd quit yapping at me and get back to work.

But--

Where is she?

You guys, this is a closed photo sh**t.

What are you doing here?

Meeting ashley blake. I love her!

I love her more.

Yeah. About that. Aren't you a little old for her movies?

She happens to make quality films.

Oh, come on.

"Kid principal," "kid astronaut," "kid doctor"?

What's next?

"Kid president."

It was only a matter of time.

Where's ashley? I want to meet her.

Look, megan, celebrities don't like it

When you get all up in their face.

You can stay, but you got to promise

To be cool when she gets here.

Ok. No problem.

Holy jeez, it's ashley blake!

I get to be the first one to meet her.

Not today!

Ashley blake.

Hi. I'm helen dubois, manager of this fine theater.

Nice to meet you, helen.

Y'all hear that?

Ashley blake knows my name.

Hi, ashley. I'm josh.

Oh, and this is my little sister, uh--

Megan.

Megan.

Hi. Nice to meet you, megan.

Oh, cool shirt.

Thanks.

Hey, ashley, can I get you a soda or something?

Actually, I'd love some bottled water.

Room temperature?

Coming right up.

She seems pretty cool.

Yeah. Hey, do you think she'll leave

The outgoing message on my cell phone?

Whoa. You didn't tell me there's a party after the premiere.

Yeah. The afterparty. What about it?

Dude, look who's on the list--

Ashton kutcher, adam sandler, ethan laroche.

Who's ethan laroche?

I don't know, but he's gonna be there.

Look, why are you freaking out about this?

Because if these stars are gonna be there,

That means there's gonna be a lot of actresses there.

Girl actresses? Josh, you've got to get me into this party.

I can't do that. Josh.

No. Look, I got to get this water back to ashley.

Ugh. Regis philbin?

Maybe he'll bring kelly.

You met him?

Yeah. I went to his bar mitzvah.

I need to be you.

Here, ashley. Your bottled water.

Thank you so much.

I asked for room temperature!

This water is chilled.

Are you trying to k*ll me?

It's ok, citrus.

It's ok, citrus.

Now go get me

Some room temperature water, you big boob.

Ok.

Wow. Hollywood evil. I like it.

Bossing me around.

Making me do stuff.

"Room temperature."

What's the problem, grumbly?

You want to know what the problem is?

Yes, hence my question, what's the problem, grumbly?

Ashley blake is the problem.

That girl is pounds of blech.

You weighed her?

She made me. She's watching her carbs.

Wait. What else happened?

Well, first it was the bottled water incident.

Then she demanded gummy bears,

But she doesn't like the green gummy bears,

So I had to take those out.

Then she suggested I do some sit-ups.

That's ridiculous. I know.

Who doesn't like green gummy bears?

I can't believe my favorite movie star

Is such a-- such a big meanie.

You know what they say about kid actors.

They're the worst.

That's it. Helen can find someone else

To help out with the premiere.

I want nothing to do with ashley blake.

Whoa, whoa. Slow down there, chico.

You just have to lay down the law.

Tell her to separate her own gummy bears.

Yeah. Yeah, she has hands.

Yeah, she does. You just have to let her know who's boss.

Exactly. I'm the boss.

Right. While you're at it,

Tell her to put my name on the list

So I can go to the cool afterparty.

Yeah, I'll just put your name on the--

Why trick me?

Just put me on the list.

You want helen to k*ll me?

Would I still get to go to the cool party?

You know what? This is too much stress.

I'm just gonna sit down, relax,

And have a little snack.

Will you get me into the afterparty?

I'm trying to work.

Will you get me into the afterparty?

Josh: will you stop asking me that?

Will you get me into the afterparty?

What do you want from me?

To get me into the afterparty.

Whoops. Crazy train just rolled in. Later.

Ok. So we thought we'd put the red carpet over here.

I want it over there.

Or over there.

I need gum.

Gum.

Miles, what have I told you about flavor crystals?

I don't like flavor crystals.

I'm just a person.

Barely.

And I don't like that picture of me.

Really? I think you look terrific there.

I'm sorry. It looks like

This movie is starring ashley blake.

Are you ashley blake?

No.

No, you're fired.

Come on. You can't fire me. I'm your brother.

Citrus.

I'm sorry. Ashley, is there a problem here?

Yes, helen. See, my assistant,

He was feeling a little run-down,

So I gave him a vacation.

You are so sweet.

Thank you. But the problem is,

I'm really lost without an assistant.

Do you have anyone who could fill in?

Like him.

Josh!

What?

Over here.

Yes?

You're ashley blake's new assistant.

Heh?

Don't "heh" me. Just do what this child says.

Are we clear?

Are we clear?!

Yes.

Oh, thank you so much, josh.

I know we're gonna have a great time working together.

I'll be in my office.

Ok.

Look, ashley, if I'm gonna be helping you out,

I think we should lay some ground rules.

Dance.

What?

Dance!

I don't want to dance.

Citrus!

♪ Dancing

♪ La la la la la

♪ La la la la la

♪ La la la la la

Leg up!

Ashley. Ashley, I got you your refrigerator.

Oop!

A little help, ashley?

Oh, you're so sweet. Stop being so sweet.

Ok, great. You're fired. Bye.

Uh!

Josh, hang this up for me.

Will you quit playing around?

I'm not playing.

You asked me to get you a refrigerator.

I asked you to get me a sandwich.

You said refrigerator.

Well, I meant sandwich.

Oh, well, maybe there's one in this refrigerator

That's crushing my pelvis!

Just get me one.

Ooh...uh!

Josh?

Oh, hey, drake.

There's a refrigerator on you.

Yeah. It was supposed to be a sandwich.

Will you get this thing off of me?

It's cold in all the wrong places.

Will you get me into the afterparty?

All right, I will get you into the afterparty

If you get this thing off me and you help me be ashley's assistant.

You got yourself a deal.

Got it. Got it?

Sorry. Oh!

Would you--

Will you help me?

I'm trying!

Ashley: josh, I'm ready for my foot massage.

You give her the massage.

I got to go get her a sandwich.

Hey, hey.

I'll get the sandwich. You squeeze her feet.

Uh-oh.

Remember, in between the toes.

I'm so tired.

Need fluids.

I didn't think evil had a name, but I was wrong.

It's ashley blake.

I can't believe she made me give her a piggy-back ride.

I can't believe she made me

Give you a piggy-back ride.

I need to sleep for weeks.

Josh.

Yeah?

I'm under you.

Deal with it.

[Doorbell rings]

Both: oh, megan!

Ashley!

Hi, megan. You remember citrus.

Sure. Come on in. What's up, c-dawg?

It's all good.

What are you doing here?

I was bored in my hotel suite.

"Kid principal," josh, go get me" a soy latte.?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't just come into our house

And boss us around.

Looks like she can.

Wow. Look at that.

Seconds have already gone by,

And still no soy latte.

Look, ashley, I don't know who you think you are, but--

I think I'm ashley blake,

And I think your boss told you

To do anything I say,

And I think a soy latte falls under the heading

Of "anything."

Want me to call your boss?

I have the number.

All right. I will get you your soy latte...

Even though I have no idea what that is.

Come on, drake. Help me.

No way, man. I'm done helping you suck up

To little miss hollywood here.

Too bad.

All those hot girl actresses

Sure are gonna miss you

At the afterparty.

So soy latte?

Now.

So, what do you do for fun around here?

Mostly I just hang out in my room

And think of new ways to t*rture drake and josh.

Can I help?

Please.

Citrus, take a walk.

Cool. I'm gonna go get a smoothie.

So as soon as drake or josh walks through this door,

The bucket falls and spills ranch dressing all over his head.

Pretty good, pretty good,

But...

What?

I think we can do better.

Talk to me.

Ok. What if we fill the bucket with worms or dog puke?

Or worms and dog puke?

You think outside the box.

I like that about you.

Ashley, are you ok?

Yeah. No.

Sit on the couch.

Whoa.

Oh, gosh, are you ok?

Drake: here's your soy latte.

Shh. She's sleeping.

I'm not sleeping.

She got hurt.

What happened?

She was reaching for a bucket

On top of your door,

And it fell and hit her head.

Oh, man.oh, jeez.

Oh, that's a serious bump.

Don't touch me. I'm famous.

We're gonna have to call a doctor.

Josh: megan, why was your bucket on top of our door?

Why was your door under my bucket?

Well, I'm about done here.

How is she? Is she ok?

She'll be fine. She was experiencing some discomfort,

So I gave her something to make her sleep.

Make her sleep?for how long?

I don't know-- , hours.

To hours?

Or days. Does it matter?

Yes, it matters.

She's got to go to a big premiere in minutes.

You can't have the premiere without the star.

Yeah, and you can't have the premiere party without having the premiere.

Fine. Well, perhaps you should have thought of that

Before you hit her in the head with a bucket.

We didn't hit her in the head--

Listen to the doctor, josh.

No more hitting little girls in the head with buckets.

Doctor: well, I'll let you deal with your personal problems.

I'm going home.

Oh, ha! Here's your bill.

$?

I put her to sleep.

$.

I'm gonna go find citrus.

He worries.

Oh, ashley, wake up, you drowsy little demon.

Oh, so much for the premiere.

I'm dead. Helen's gonna twist my rump.

Not necessarily.

Yes, necessarily.

She's out cold. She can't go to a premiere

If she's unconscious.

We just have to be creative.

So, what are we gonna do?

Prop her up, drag her around the premiere

And try to fool people into thinking she's awake?

I was just gonna say we put a blond wig on megan,

But I like your idea better.

Tell me you're kidding.

Sorry. Get the girl.

Oh! Oh!

Ok, let's get her.

She looks nice.

Stunning.

This is never gonna work.

It will too.

Sure, if no one notices that her eyes are closed

And her head's dangling.

Just stick to the plan, and--

Helen: drake! Josh!

Oh, man. It's helen.

She's gonna want to talk to her.

Uh...

Oh. The garbage can. Here. Hold her.

Where is ashley blake?

Uh, she's, uh, in the rest room.

But don't go in there.

Why not?

Because she's, uh... Uh...

Praying.

Praying?

Yes. She's very religious.

She's, uh, episcotarian.

Uh-huh. They pray alone.

I know. Episcotarian.

Right. So don't worry.

We'll walk her out as soon as she's done.

Ok. See you out there.

That was close.

Yeah.

Ok.

Uh!

Let's do this.

Oh, wait.

Sunglasses.

Hold her.

Nice.

All right. Make this look good.

Ashley! Ashley! Ashley!

[Crowd cheering and screaming]

I can't believe it. It's working.

Told you.

We love you, ashley.

Ashley, over here!

She waved at me!

No, she waved at me.she waved at me.

We're almost to the theater.

We'll be safe there.

Just one more wave...

Aw.

Throw a couple of kisses...

Good. We're almost there. Come on.

Ok. Before we start the movie,

Ashley blake is gonna do a short q&a with the press.

Q&a?

It means question and answer.

Ashley?

Uh...

Uh, you two gentlemen don't need to stay here.

Yeah, we do.

Yeah. She's episcotarian.

All right. The press may now ask questions.

Ashley! Ashley!

Ashley, can you tell us what it's like

To play an -year-old president?

Uh...

Uh...

She says it's challenging but rewarding.

Man: ok.

My question is for the gentleman who answered for her.

Uh, yes?

Why are you answering for her?

Uh, because...

She has laryngitis.

She lost her voice...

Singing to the elderly.

Oh.

Drake: and on that upbeat note,

This press conference is over.

Rock the boat.

Dude, we did it.

Yeah, we did it.

Now all we got to do is enjoy the movie and then...

The afterparty! The afterparty!

Come on.

Wait. The girl.

Drake: uh, she was just praying.

Amen.

[Music playing]

Man, I totally owe you

For hooking me up with this party.

Isn't it great? Hey, look.

I got an autograph from ethan laroche.

Who's ethan laroche?

I don't know.

But he dots his eyes with little hearts.

I thought you wanted to get an autograph from regis.

I asked. He hit me.

Yeah, regis.

Ooh, it's getting pretty late.

We should probably get going.

All right, let's go.

What? What happened?

Where's my soy latte?

Citrus!

She's all yours.

Hey, you want to get a smoothie?

Mm-hmm!

Mmm.