03x05 - The Affair

[bunniefuu]

Josh: you know what's great

About parents?

Drake: I'll tell you something

About parents.

Josh: they always keep an eye

Out for you.

Drake: you've got to always keep

Your eye on 'em.

Josh: like this one time, I was

Climbing a tree...

Drake: like once, josh climbed

All the way up this big tree...

Josh: I fell.

Drake: then he falls.

Josh: but my underpants got

Hooked on a branch.

Drake: and he ends up dangling

From a branch by his underwear!

Josh: so dad sees me swinging

And runs over to help me, right?

Drake: so here comes dad to the

Rescue.

Josh: he grabbed a ladder...

Drake: he grabs a ladder and

Starts trying to climb up it to

Get to josh.

Josh: he climbed up and tried to

Unhook my underpants.

Drake: and then the ladder falls

Backwards.

Josh: then the ladder fell over,

And dad went crashing down.

Drake: so...

Josh: so...

Drake: we've learned things

Here--you gotta keep an eye on

Your parents...

Josh: you know, my underpants

Caused me a lot of pain that

Day.

Drake: and your underwear can

Hurt you.

♪ I never thought that it'd be

So simple, but I found a way,

I found a way,

If you open up your mind,

It's gonna take some time

To realize,

But if you look inside,

I'm sure you'll find,

Over your shoulder,

You know that I told you

I'll always be picking you up

When you're down,

When you're down, so just turn around

So just turn around

So just turn around ooh-ooh-oooooooh ♪

Ooh-ooh-oooooooh ♪

Megan: hey, mom. Hey, boob.

Drake: don't call me a boob.

Drake: don't call me a boob. Megan: sorry, boob.

Megan: sorry, boob.

So what's for dinner?

Josh: josh is making us

Lobsters.

Megan: gross.

Drake: lobsters aren't gross.

Megan: I meant josh.

Josh: can I start cooking these

Already? I'm not sure what's

Going on between these two, but

I think they're in love, if you

Know what I mean.

Audrey: you know, I think we

Should wait 'cause your dad's

Still not home.

Josh: all right. I'll put 'em

Back in their crate...

Back in their crate... Where your [span]date[/span]can continue.

Where your [span]date[/span]can continue.

Walter: hi, g*ng. I'm sorry I'm

Late.

Audrey: that's ok. Hey, I loved

Your weather broadcast tonight.

Walter: you saw me do the

Weather?

Audrey: yeah. Why so surprised?

Walter: well, you never watch

My weather broadcasts.

Audrey: I do, too.

Drake, megan: no, you don't.

Drake, megan: no, you don't. Audrey: thanks for the backup.

Audrey: thanks for the backup.

Josh: hey, dad, my teacher

Called to remind you that career

Day's on wednesday.

Walter: career day?

Josh: yeah.

Remember you said you'd come

Speak to my class?

Walter: um...yeah.

Well, I'm really sorry. I'm not

Gonna be able to make it.

Josh: well, why not?

Walter: um, I have an important

Conference I have to go to on

Wednesday. A-about clouds. It's

A cloud conference. We call it

A "cc."

Drake: you are an exciting man.

[Telephone rings]

Drake: hello?

Uh, yeah, sure. Hang on one

Second. It's some lady for you.

Walter: um, thanks. I'll take it

Walter: um, thanks. I'll take it in the kitchen.

In the kitchen.

Megan: so when are the lobsters

Gonna be ready?

Drake: yeah, I'm starved.

Josh: I do not control the speed

At which lobsters die.

Drake: well, then, I'm gonna get

A snack.

Megan: bring me something.

Drake: no.

Audrey: drake.

Drake: I'll bring her something.

Walter: yes, of course I'm

Interested. I know. It's just

That, well, I have a family to

Think about. Look, I'm not

Saying no. It--are you kidding?

It's all I've been thinking

About. Right. Ok, I'll see you

On wednesday. Great. Ok.

Megan: what'd you bring me?

Drake: huh? Oh. Here.

Megan: I'm not gonna eat a piece

Of fruit with your freakish dna

Of fruit with your freakish dna all over it.

All over it.

Drake: [scoffs] then don't. Uh,

Josh, can I talk to you

Upstairs?

Josh: no. I'm watching [span]extreme[/span]

[Span]housewives.[/Span]ooh-hoo! Felicia's

Gettin' a tummy tuck!

Drake: come on!

Josh: what?!

Josh: what?

Drake: we've got a problem with

Dad.

Josh: I got him a dandruff

Shampoo.

Drake: this isn't a dandruff

Problem, josh. It's a woman

Problem.

Problem. Josh: dad has cramps?

Josh: dad has cramps?

Drake: listen to me, josh. I

Overheard dad talking on the

Phone and--well, I think he's--

I think he's seeing another

Woman.

Josh: seeing another woman do

What?

Drake: I think he's [span]dating[/span]

Another woman.

Josh: what?! Dad can't be dating

Another woman. He's married to

Our mom! Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha--ooh.

Drake: yeah, ooh.

Josh: but dad's not the kind of

Guy to go running around with

Other women. He loves mom and

Has dandruff.

Drake: oh, yeah? Then why was he

Telling that woman on the phone

That he's "interested" and

She's all he's been thinking

About, huh?

Josh: you overheard him say

That?

Drake: in a hushed tone.

Josh: hushed?

Drake: hushed.

Josh: oh, man. Look, maybe you

Misunderstood.

Drake: yeah. Maybe I didn't.

Josh: all right. Well, let's not

Do anything yet. Let's just,

Um...keep our eyes open for the

Next few days, but don't say

A word to mom.

Drake: no way.

Wait. Hey, uh...you got some

White flakes.

White flakes. Josh: d'oh, it's hereditary!

Josh: d'oh, it's hereditary!

[Door hinge creaks]

Walter: shh.

Walter: shh. [Creaking]

[Creaking]

Walter: aah! Shh.

Hi.

Josh: what's up?

Walter: nothing. What makes you

Think something's up? I mean,

Think something's up? I mean, heh, come on.

Heh, come on.

Josh: where've you been?

Walter: huh?

Josh: where have you been?

Walter: I was, um...out buying

Some milk.

Josh: oh.

Walter: yeah.

Josh: where is it?

Walter: hmm?

Josh: the milk, where is it?

Walter: I drank it on the way

Home.

Josh: ok.

Why are you wearing a suit?

Walter: what, a man can't look

Nice when he goes dairy

Shopping?

Josh: so at midnight, you put on

A suit, drove to the market,

Bought some milk, and then drank

The entire carton on the way

Home?

Walter: look, let's just not

Tell your mom about this. All

Right?

Right? Josh: yeah. Sure.

Josh: yeah. Sure.

Josh: drake! Wake up! Drake!

Drake, I have to talk to you.

Drake, wake up!

Drake, wake up! I have to talk

Drake, wake up! I have to talk to you!

To you!

Hi.

Drake: I'm calling the police.

Josh: look, drake, all right--

You were right.

Drake: great. Can you hand me

That bullhorn?

Josh: sure.

Josh: sure. Drake: thanks.

Drake: thanks.

Drake: thanks. Drake: get off of me!!

Drake: get off of me!!

Now, what was I right about?

Josh: about dad, all right?

I think he is dating another

Woman.

Drake: what happened?

Josh: well, I caught him

Sneaking in. He was wearing a

Suit. When I asked him where

He'd been, he says, "I was out

Buyin' milk, but I drank it all

On the way home."

Drake: oh, that's bad.

Josh: I know.

Drake: we really needed some

Milk.

Josh: this is not about your

Dairy needs!

I can't believe dad's cheating

On mom.

Drake: ok, we don't know for

Sure.

Josh: yeah, well, I gotta know.

Drake: ok, tell you what.

Tomorrow, we'll skip school and

Follow dad around and see what

He's up to.

He's up to. Josh: excu-u-u-use me?

Josh: excu-u-u-use me?

Perfect attendance since nursery

School!

Drake: ah, the golden dork

Award.

Josh: I'm not ditching school.

Drake: so you'll bring in

A doctor's note, and it won't

Count as an absence.

Josh: where am I gonna get

A doctor's note?

Drake: uh, let's see. You

Drake: uh, let's see. You want...smallpox or hemorrhoids?

Want...smallpox or hemorrhoids?

Josh: you see anything?

Drake: no, not yet.

Oh! Oh, wait! Oh, yeah, I see

Something.

Josh: you see dad?

Drake: no, but I see an

Extremely hot girl with

A belly-button ring.

Josh: would you give me those?!

Drake: no. I want 'em.

[Josh babbling gibberish]

Josh: you're a child!

Josh: you're a child! Drake: dad!

Drake: dad!

Drake: what's he doing?

Josh: he's just sitting on

A bench, eating a doughnut.

Drake: what kind of doughnut?

Josh: I see sprinkles. It might

Be jelly-filled. Oh, what

Difference does it make?!

Drake: just try and see if he's

With a woman.

Josh: all right. He's just

Sitting alone, like he has been

All day.

Drake: well, good. Hey, maybe

We're wrong, then, about--

Josh: a woman!

Drake: woman?!

Josh: wo-man!

Drake: well, look and see what

They're doing.

Josh: they're just talking and

Smiling...

And hugging.

Drake: what?

Josh: I can't believe it.

This is horrible. Dad's cheating

On mom. I'm crushed.

Drake: it's ok, brother. I'm--

I'm here for you, man.

Josh: thanks, drake. I--

I just sort of always looked up

To my dad, you know? Like--

Like a role model, so--

So to see him do something like

This, you know, it's so hurtful.

It just makes me feel like--

The attention span of

The attention span of a squirrel!

A squirrel!

Josh: I can't believe dad's

Cheating on mom. This is

Horrible. Horrible!

Drake: don't worry. I'll think

Of something.

Josh: no, all right? You already

Got us detention for skipping

School, [span]and[/span]you mucked up my

Record for perfect attendance,

You--you--you [span]mucker![/Span]

Drake: mucker?

Josh: one who mucks!

I still can't believe this. I

Mean, I don't even know why dad

Would want to date another

Woman.

Drake: that's it!

Josh: that's what?

Drake: the way we get dad to

Forget about his girlfriend is

To remind him how awesome mom

Is.

Is. Josh: that's genius.

Josh: that's genius.

Drake: ooh! Here comes dad.

Josh: wow, mom, this breakfast

You made dad looks amazing.

Hey, dad.

Walter: what's all this?

Drake: mom made you breakfast.

Walter: really? Wow. She really

Went all out.

Josh: yep. Is she an incredible

Woman, or what?

Drake: how lucky are you?

Josh: well, considering I see

Blueberry waffles...i'd say

Very.

Josh: breakfast for one.

Walter: why, thank you very

Much.

Drake: oh, man, I just hope one

Day, I'm lucky enough to marry

A woman who treats me as well as

Mom treats you.

Walter: aha.

Josh: hey, let's not forget

She's pretty, too.

Drake: so pretty.

Josh: you know, there are so

Many great things about mom, you

Couldn't count 'em.

Drake: who could count that

High?

Josh: I know. I mean, I'm in

Algebra , and I still can't--

[Choking]

Josh: are--are you ok?

Drake: what's the matter?

Walter: cu-cu-cumin!

Josh: cumin? Cumin?!

[Gasping for air]

Josh: you put cumin in his

Waffles?!

Drake: you told me to put cumin

In his waffles!

Josh: I said cinnamon. [Span]cinnamon![/Span]

Drake: well, what's the

Difference?

Josh: everything. All right,

Cinnamon is sweet and delicious.

Cumin is a mexican spice. You

Were flavoring a waffle, not

A chimichanga!

Drake: well, so I made a little

Mistake.

Josh: a huge mistake! All right,

Dad's allergic to cumin. He's

Probably in there dying right

Now. Dad!

Dad! Dad, what do I do?!

[Gasping]

Walter: in-haler!

Drake: he said "inhaler."

Josh: I heard him say inhaler!

Help me find it.

[Gasping]

Josh: here. Here. Dad, sit down.

Sit down. Ok, there you go.

Sit down. Ok, there you go. Drake, what do I do?

Drake, what do I do?

Are you ok? Is that better?

Walter: yeah. Yeah, I think so.

Audrey: walter, I am not happy.

Walter: why, because your demon

Waffles didn't k*ll me?!

Audrey: what?

Josh: your hair looks pretty.

Walter: you know I'm allergic to

Cumin.

Audrey: so? What does that have

To do with anything?

Drake: do you think my thumbs

Are the same size?

Josh: one looks thicker.

Audrey: if you want to know why

I'm not happy, it's because when

I got in the shower this

Morning, I found one of these

Again.

Walter: so I left a little hair

In the drain.

Josh: how 'bout those red sox?

They're good, right?

[Clucks tongue]

Audrey: when I take my morning

Shower, I do not enjoy

Stepping on a hamster.

Drake: hey, anyone want

A tangelo?

Josh: mmm. / Tangerine, /...

[Span]ello.[/Span]

Drake: [english accent] 'ello.

Walter: you know what? I'm going

To work.

Audrey: fine. Why don't you take

This with you? I think it might

Be "take your hairball to work"

Day.

Walter: see ya!

Walter: see ya! Audrey: later!

Audrey: later!

Audrey: later! Drake: I like it.

Drake: I like it.

Drake: ok, making dad realize

How great mom is didn't go so

Well.

Josh: don't be so hard on

Yourself. I thought it went

Pretty smooth for a poisoning.

Drake: hey, how about this? How

About we find that woman dad's

Been dating and have a little

Talk with her?

Josh: you mean like, uh...

Little talk?

Drake: uh, no, josh. I mean like

A real talk, you know? We sit

Her down and ask her nicely to

Please leave him alone.

Josh: yeah. I mean, maybe if she

Met us, she'd feel bad about

Stealing dad away from mom and

Messing up our family.

Drake: exactly.

Josh: yeah, but one problem--

How do we find her?

Drake: right. We don't even know

Her name.

Megan: her name's peggy sherman,

And you can find her having

Lunch with dad tomorrow at

A restaurant called "on vine."

Drake: how do you know this?

Megan: I read dad's e-mail.

Josh: how'd you get his

Password?

Megan: it really wasn't that

Hard to figure out. His password

Is...password.

Drake: no way. It's so dumb.

Megan: it's a new kind of dumb.

Josh: yeah, it is.

Drake: going to change your

Password?

Josh: maybe.

Peggy: so, what's it gonna be,

Walter? Are we gonna do this or

Not?

Walter: well, you know I want

To.

Peggy: I don't think you'd

Regret it.

Walter: I'll tell you what

Really excites me about this is

The...

Drake: there they are.

Josh: look at him, lunching it

Up with that skunk bag.

Drake: what do you think they're

Talking about?

Josh: probably where they're

Gonna run off to get married so

They can, you know, kiss and

Whatnot.

Peggy: walter, if you accept

This job, you would be the

Most-watched weatherman in

America.

Walter: I know.

Peggy: [span]good morning today[/span]has an

Audience of million people.

And you'd be making times the

Money you're making now.

Walter: so are you officially

Offering me the job?

Peggy: I told you, I can't go to

My boss until I get a definite

"Yes" from you. Why won't you

Talk to your wife and kids about

It?

Walter: 'cause I don't want 'em

To get all excited, only to have

'Em be disappointed if it

Doesn't happen.

Peggy: look, if you want the

Job as our national weatherman,

I can pretty much guarantee it's

Yours. Yeah.

Walter: wow. This is so

Exciting. I...my lip is

Sweating.

Josh: come on, we gotta get dad

Away from that table.

Drake: oh, watch this.

A meatball. Follow me.

Ready?

Walter: oh! Oh.

Waiter: are you all right?

Peggy: what happened?

Walter: I don't know. I--i think

I was hit by a meatball. Oh,

Look at my shirt and my tie.

I'm gonna go clean up.

Peggy: of course.

Walter: where did...

Drake: ok, that's our cue.

Josh: let's bust us a skunk bag.

Drake: what's up?

Josh: hi.

Peggy: hello. Did I order

Teenagers?

Drake: no. Actually, walter's

Our dad.

Peggy: oh. Ha ha. This is

Awkward. See, I really don't

Think walter wants you to know

What's going on just yet.

Josh: well, we do know what's

Going on. We're not too happy

About it.

Peggy: really? Wow, I thought

Teenage boys would find it

Rather exciting.

Drake: well, we don't, so maybe

You wouldn't mind backing off.

Peggy: ha ha. I don't think so.

Josh: why not?

Peggy: because I want your dad.

Drake: yeah, we know that--

Peggy: granted, I was

Considering a few other men and

One woman, but there's just

Something about your father that

Feels right.

Josh: how nice for you.

Drake: you know he's married.

Peggy: I know. I think this

Could be great for your mother,

Too. Look, when I see someone I

Want, I go after him.

Josh: yeah? Well, when we see

Someone we don't like, we do

This.

Drake: yeah, and sometimes we

Even do this.

Walter: drake, josh, what have

You done?

Peggy: walter, if this is how

You raise your children to

Behave, then I have no interest

In pursuing you any further.

Both: yes.

Walter: peggy, please.

Walter: peggy, please. Peggy: good-bye, walter.

Peggy: good-bye, walter.

Josh: we know you're mad.

Drake: but we had to do it.

Josh: we couldn't let that skunk

Bag steal you away from mom.

Drake: and ruin our whole

Family.

Josh: don't worry.

Drake: we won't tell mom about

This little episode.

Josh: we got your back.

Walter: you think I was dating

That woman?

Josh: well, uh...

Drake: yeah.

Walter: boys, that "skunk bag"

Just happens to be the senior

Producer of [span]good morning today,[/span]

And she was talking to me about

Being the weatherman on the

Number one national morning show

In america!!

Josh: that's different.

Drake: yeah. We're gonna go.

Josh: bye.

Walter: no, you're not. You're

Gonna do something else.

Josh: right.

Drake: no problem.

Josh: now?

Josh: now? Walter: uh-huh.

Walter: uh-huh.

Josh: rrooowww!

Drake: where'd the lobster bite

You?

Josh: is megan still in the

Room?

Drake: yeah.

Josh: tell you later. You bad

Lobsters.

Megan: what were you two talking

About?

Drake: uh, we were just talking

About, uh...you know.

Josh: uh, geometry.

Drake: chatting about geometry.

Megan: then tell me a little

About geometry. Drake, I like to

Learn.

Drake: well, geometry, you see

Is all about shapes, like

Circles, which are circular, and

It's their circularity which

Contributes to the roundness of

Them.

Josh: I'll give you bucks to

Spill that glass of water on the

Guy at table .

Waiter: uh, sure.

Man: aah, water!

Drake: you sent him to the wrong

Table.

Josh: thanks for the update.