03x06 - Playing the Field

[bunniefuu]

Josh: when I was in the third

Grade, I had the cutest little

Turtle ever.

Drake: when I was a little kid,

I had the hottest baby-sitter

Ever.

Josh: his name was sheldon.

Drake: her name was debbie.

I remember she used to like to

Eat grapes.

Josh: I remember he used to love

To eat bugs.

Drake: and whenever I'd get

Scared...she'd hold my hand.

Josh: whenever he'd get scared,

He'd...pee in my hand.

Drake: but then debbie moved to

Wisconsin.

Josh: but then one day

Sheldon...passed on.

Drake: so my mom got me a new

Baby-sitter.

Josh: so my dad bought me a

Lizard.

Drake: her name was mrs. Finkle.

Josh: his name was julio.

Drake: she used to make me eat

Warm tuna fish and watch

Educational television.

Josh: he used to climb up my

Chest and bite my throat!

Drake: and the more I hated that

Old lady...

Josh: and the more I hated that

Vicious lizard...

Drake: the more I missed debbie.

Josh: the more I missed sheldon.

Drake: I guess I never really

Appreciated debbie...

Josh: I guess I never realized

How much I loved sheldon...

Drake: till she was gone.

Josh: until julio tried to [span]k*ll[/span]

Josh: until julio tried to [span]k*ll me![/Span]

Me!

Me! Drake: ok, open.

Drake: ok, open.

Tori: um...green apple?

Tori: um...green apple? Drake: excellent. Open.

Drake: excellent. Open.

Tori: cherry.

Drake: more specific, please.

Tori: very cherry?

Tori: very cherry? Drake: very good.

Drake: very good.

Tori: hmm. Hot guy lips?

Drake: that is correct.

We also would have accepted

Extremely hot guy lips.

Tori: hey, get me a soda?

Both: mocha cola, extra ice.

Tori: wow, you're good.

Drake: yeah, we also would've

Accepted extremely good.

Hey, josh. Aah!

Josh: look, you can "aah" all

You want, all right? I like my

Mustache.

Drake: oh, come on. Grammy has

More hair on her upper lip than

That.

Josh: do not make fun of

Grammy's hormonal imbalances!

Drake: ooh, sorry. Why don't

You just shave that thing off?

Josh: no. Ever since I've grown

This mustache, people treat me

Differently. I get more respect.

Gavin: hey, josh, helen wants

You to go down to the basement

And empty the rat traps.

Josh: you see? Helen never let

Me do that before. The power...

Of the 'stache.

Drake: if you say so.

Josh: you know, you should think

About growing a mustache. I bet

Your girlfriend would think it's

Cool.

Drake: ow, ow, ow! Don't say

"Girlfriend."

Josh: why not?

Drake: because tori and I are

Just dating. I don't like the

Word "girlfriend."

Josh: mindy's my [span]girlfriend.[/Span]

I don't have a problem saying

It.

Drake: oh, josh, how can I

Explain this to you? You see,

Girls are a lot like...candy.

Josh: candy?

Drake: right. Let's say tori is

The megathon bar.

Josh: tori is the megathon bar.

Drake: great candy bar, right?

Josh: sure.

Drake: yeah, but I wouldn't want

This to be the only candy in my

Life, would you?

Josh: no.

Drake: exactly. I mean, some

Days we'd want a flutter

Nutter...

Josh: sure.

Drake: other days some

Squiggles...

Josh: I like the squiggles.

Drake: and dweebs and puddycats

And melon ms.

Josh: all right, will you cut to

The chase?

Drake: sure. You see, we as men

Can enjoy the megathon bar

Whenever we want, but that

Doesn't mean we have to make it

Our [span]candyfriend.[/Span]

Tori: hey.

Drake: oh, hey. I was just

Getting your soda.

Tori: thanks, but my mom just

Called and she wants me to get

Home, so I better--were you just

Buying me all this candy?

Drake: well, i--

Tori: that is so sweet of you.

Is he the cutest boyfriend or

What?

Drake: boyfriend?

Drake: boyfriend? Tori: the cutest.

Tori: the cutest.

Josh: looks like all you got is

A megathon bar.

A megathon bar. Gavin: I got it.

Gavin: I got it.

♪ I never thought that it'd be

So simple, but I found a way,

I found a way,

I found a way, if you open up your mind ♪

If you open up your mind ♪

♪ It's gonna take some time

To realize,

But if you look inside,

I'm sure you'll find,

Over your shoulder,

You know that I told you

I'll always be picking you up

When you're down,

When you're down, so just turn around ♪

So just turn around ♪

So just turn around ♪ ♪ ooh ooh oooooooh

♪ Ooh ooh oooooooh

Josh: what?

Megan: so, are you two, like,

Dating now?

Mindy: yeah.

Josh: yes, we are.

Megan: why?

Josh: I happen to find mindy

Very appealing.

Megan: oh, I understand that.

I'm trying to figure out what's

Gone wrong in [span]her[/span]head.

Mindy: megan, I know it's hard

For you to understand, but I

Think josh is very smart, funny,

Interesting, and cute.

Megan: did you put something in

Her food?

Josh: all right, that's it! Out!

Megan: wait. Can I just take a

Few pictures of you first?

Josh: sure. What for?

Megan: it's for a school paper.

I'm writing about how facial

Hair makes some people look more

Attractive.

Josh: oh.

Megan: and how it makes others

Look more stupid.

Josh: out!

Josh: out! Megan: ooh, that was a good one.

Megan: ooh, that was a good one.

Josh: I am so tired of her and

Drake bugging me about my

'Stache.

Mindy: uh-huh.

Josh: what does "uh-huh" mean?

Mindy: just uh-huh.

Josh: no, that wasn't just an

Uh-huh uh-huh. That was a

[Span]uh-huh[/span]uh-huh.

Mindy: no, no.

Josh: you hate my 'stache.

Mindy: oh, hate is a very

Strong...accurate word.

Josh: mindy...

Mindy: kidding. I was kidding. I

Like it. Seriously.

Josh: you do?

Mindy: sure. I'll give you

Bucks to shave it off.

Josh: oh...

Drake: hey, josh.

Josh: ahem.

Drake: yeah?

Josh: mindy's here.

Drake: oh, right. I'll call the

Exterminator.

Mindy: oh, what's the matter,

Drake? You feeling stressed

About having a girlfriend?

Drake: tori is not my

Girlfriend.

Mindy: that's not what I hear.

Drake: yeah, well, it doesn't

Matter what you hear because I'm

Gonna break up with her tomorrow

At school.

Josh: how come?

Drake: you heard her call me her

Boyfriend. Something has to be

Done. In fact, I'm just gonna

Break up with her right now.

Mindy: you can't end a

Relationship with a phone call.

Drake: duh. I'm gonna text

Message her.

Josh: just tell her in person.

Drake: I can't, man. I mean,

What if she's a crier? I can't

Handle it when a girl cries.

Mindy: sure you can. You just

Mindy: sure you can. You just need practice. Drake.

Need practice. Drake.

All right, now, josh, you be

Tori. Drake, you be you.

Josh: [whining] I wanted to be

Drake.

Mindy: too bad. Ready, set,

Break up.

Drake: all right. Uh, tori?

Josh: [exaggerated whiny voice]

What is it, drake?

Drake: ok, I can't do this if

He's gonna talk like that.

Josh: I'm being a girl.

Drake: what girl has a

Mustache other than your

Grandmother?

Josh: that tears it! Aah!

Mindy: stop it! Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it! All right?

Stop it! Stop it! All right? Just do this.

Just do this.

Drake: [sighs] tori...

Josh: [high voice] mm-hmm?

Josh: [high voice] mm-hmm? Mindy: now take her hands.

Mindy: now take her hands.

Drake: now, I really like you.

I--

Josh: [giddily] ohhhh. Ha ha.

Drake: but I think we're gonna

Have to break up.

[Crying, sobbing]

Drake: see, I can't handle that.

Mindy: just keep going. You can

Handle it.

Drake: i--i--look, I just think

I need to date other people.

And you should, too.

Josh: well, I guess I

Understand.

Drake: uh, just one more thing.

Josh: yes?

Josh: shave off the mustache!

Josh: shave off the mustache! Josh: out!

Josh: out!

Drake: tori?

Tori: oh, hey, drake.

Drake: uh, you got a sec to

Talk?

Talk? Tori: yeah, sure.

Tori: yeah, sure.

Drake: [sighs] tori...

Tori: you're breaking up with

Me?

Drake: ok, how did you know

That?

Tori: because guys just don't

Go, [sighs] "tori," unless

They're dumping you.

Drake: well, I wouldn't say I'm

Dumping you.

Tori: you're not dumping me?

Drake: no, I am. I--i just

Wouldn't say it.

Tori: look, I get it. You want

To date other people.

Drake: well...

Tori: it's cool. Seriously, no

Hard feelings.

Drake: you are awesome. Want to

Make out a little bit?

Tori: I don't think so.

See you later, drake. Hug

See you later, drake. Hug good-bye?

Good-bye?

Man: whassup?

Man: whassup? Josh: whassup?

Josh: whassup?

Mindy: happy saturday.

Josh: hey, what brings you to

The premiere?

Mindy: I just thought I'd bring

You a little lunch.

Josh: whoa. How cool are you?

Let's see, we got a little ham

And cheese action.

Mindy: cheddar.

Josh: some apple wedges.

Mindy: with the caramel dippin'

Sauce.

Josh: I say [span]caramel,[/span]but all

Right. Juice box.

Mindy: with bendy straw.

Josh: and for dessert...

Shaving cream and a razor.

Yeah, so I'm gonna skip dessert.

Mindy: come on, josh, just shave

It off.

Josh: no. All right, my 'stache

Has changed my whole life.

Mindy: how?

Josh: see that cool-looking guy

Standing over there?

Mindy: yeah.

Josh: minutes ago, he walked

Right by me, saw my 'stache,

Said, "'sup?"

Mindy: so you like the mustache

Because it helps you meet

Strange men.

Josh: no. It just sort of ups my

Cool 'cause--'cause a guy like

That doesn't just go walking

Around handing out 'sups.

Mindy: right. Of course not.

Josh: I appreciate the lunch,

But I gotta get back to work.

Mindy: ok.

Mindy: ok. Josh: later.

Josh: later.

Josh: what?

Mindy: look, I hate to do this,

Josh, but I am not kissing you

Until you shave off that

Mustache.

Josh: well, I'm not shavin' my

'Stache until you kiss me.

Mindy: fine.

Josh: fine. But know this, mindy

Crenshaw. I went years

Without kissing a girl. I could

Wait.

Wait. Man: 'sup?

Man: 'sup?

Man: 'sup? Drake: I'll call you.

Drake: I'll call you.

Hello.

Josh: what are you so giddy

Josh: what are you so giddy about?

About?

About? A girl's phone number?

A girl's phone number?

Girls' phone numbers?

Drake: yup. There's a lot of

Candy out there, josh, and you

Are looking at mr. Willy wonka.

Josh: ex-girlfriend-- o'clock.

Oh, wow.

Drake: yeah, there's tori.

Josh: yeah, but...

Look, she's with another guy.

Drake: doesn't bother me.

Josh: really? He's a pretty

Good-looking dude.

Drake: I guess, but it still

Doesn't bother me.

Josh: how about that?

Josh: how about that? Drake: yeah, that bothers me.

Drake: yeah, that bothers me.

Drake: josh, you're not gonna

Believe--

Josh: believe what?

Drake: were you just combing

Your mustache?

Josh: no.

Drake: so what's in your hand?

Josh: ooh, uh, it's just a comb

For, uh...for my hair.

Drake: uh-huh.

Josh: what do you want?

Drake: would you look at tori?

Josh: yeah. She's with that guy

Again.

Drake: no, that's a different

Guy.

Josh: what's your problem?

You're the one that broke up

With her.

Drake: yeah, I know, but I

Just--i feel kind of weird about

This.

Oh, hey. She's alone. I'm gonna

Go talk to her.

Josh: what for?

Drake: to get back together.

Josh: drake, you don't get back

With a girl just because you're

Jealous of her new boyfriends.

Drake: yeah, true...

But I'm gonna do it anyway.

Hello, tori.

Tori: what's up, drake?

Drake: so I've been thinking I

Might get back together with

You.

Tori: I see, and do I have any

Say in this?

Drake: yeah, you can say ok.

Tori: yeah, I don't think so,

Drake.

Drake: but I'm drake.

Tori: yes, but I'm having a

Really good time dating

Different guys. You know,

Playing the field.

Drake: I'm in a band.

Tori: bye, drake.

Drake: josh, you're not gonna

Drake: josh, you're not gonna believe what just--

Believe what just--

Mindy: josh?

Josh: I'm not shaving it off.

Mindy: ok, josh.

You know, it's been about

Weeks since we kissed.

Josh: mindy, I waited years,

Long kissless years. You'll

Give in way before I do.

Mindy: really?

Why, what's this?

Oh, it's my new lip gloss. Mmm.

Apricot. Do you like the smell

Of apricots, josh?

Josh: I say a-pricot.

Mindy: smell the gloss, josh.

Josh: oh!

Mindy: to kiss me, all you gotta

Do is shave.

Josh: no! Mm!

Mindy: ok, what are you doing?

Mindy: ok, what are you doing? Josh: runnin' off my desires!

Josh: runnin' off my desires!

Drake: running off his desires?

Mindy: yeah.

Josh: [takes deep breath]

Yeah, that's enough exercise...

For the year.

[Drake sighs]

Mindy: wow. Big sigh.

Drake: yeah, I've sighed bigger.

Mindy: so what's wrong?

Drake: ok, you're kind of a

Girl, right?

Mindy: well, if not, I've been

Buying the wrong underwear.

Drake: well, do you know that

Girl I was dating?

Mindy: ohh, yes. Josh told me

The whole story. You dumped her.

She's dating new guys. You're a

Jealous mess.

Drake: so how do I get her back?

Mindy: drake, you got jealous

When you saw her on a date.

Drake: right.

Mindy: so to make her jealous,

You...

Drake: put a stink b*mb in her

Backpack.

Or...

Mindy: do I have to spell this

Out for you?

Drake: would you?

Mindy: you date someone else to

Make her jealous!

Drake: oh, right! And where do I

Put the stink b*mb?

Mindy: I'll tell you where to

Put it!

Josh: mindy.

Mindy: uh, I'm gonna go get a

Bottle of water.

Josh: make that , please.

Mindy: hey, megan.

Megan: hey.

Mindy: whatcha doin'?

Megan: cutting up a pineapple.

Mindy: I see.

Listen, you want to make $?

Listen, you want to make $? Megan: keep talking.

Megan: keep talking.

[Shaver buzzes]

Drake: what's going on?

[Turns off shaver]

Megan?

Megan: hey.

Drake: what are you doing in our

Room?

Megan: i, uh...ha ha...

Forgot to give josh a hug good

Night. Sweet, sweet josh. Sleep

Tight, little boob. Well, good

Tight, little boob. Well, good night.

Night.

Drake: josh, is tori here?

Josh: um...uh, yeah, she's over

There with another good-looking

Guy.

Drake: oh, good, 'cause I got a

Hot date coming here any--

What happened to the other half

Of your mustache?

Josh: I just woke up this

Morning and it was gone.

Drake: well, then, why don't you

Shave off the other half?

Josh: no. All right, that's just

What mindy wants me to do.

Drake: dude, if you shave it

Off, she will kiss you.

Josh: well, there are more

Important things in life than

Kissing girls.

Drake: name .

Josh: I can't!

Drake: if you have to keep your

Dumb mustache, come here.

Josh: what are you doing?

Drake: re-staching you.

Drake: re-staching you. Josh: ow!

Josh: ow!

Do I look good?

Drake: uh-huh.

Ooh! Here comes liza.

Josh: hot liza?

Drake: the hottest. You think

She'll make tori jealous, huh?

Josh: huh! Huh huh huh huh huh!

Liza: hey, drake.

Drake: hey, liza.

You know my brother josh.

Liza: sure, hey, jo--

What's up with his--

What's up with his-- drake: uh, come with me.

Drake: uh, come with me.

Liza: aah!

Drake: ohh! Sorry. Um...

Sorry about that.

Liza: it's ok.

So what made you want to ask me

Out all of a sudden?

Drake: uh, you know, I just

Wanted to get to know you

Better. So tell me about you.

Liza: um, well, I'm a people

Person and I love animals.

Drake: that's nice.

Liza: my dad's in the m*llitary,

So when I was little, we used to

Move from city...

To city. And then I moved to

San diego and I got into teen

Modeling...

But what I really want to do is

Start acting and maybe move to

L.a. One day.

[Drake groaning and banging]

Tori: drake?

Drake: tori? I didn't know you

Were here.

Tori: yeah, I'm just here with

My friend brent.

Drake: oh, that's nice. I'm just

Here with my friend hot liza.

Liza: huh?

Drake: she's a teen model, she

Loves animals, and she's in the

m*llitary.

Liza: no, my dad's in the

m*llitary.

Drake: shh. I was just gonna go

Get us something to drink.

Liza: me, too. I'll walk with

You.

Drake: you want anything?

Liza: oh, yeah. Can you get me a

Large--

Drake: oh, they're out of that.

So what do you think of liza?

Pretty hot, huh?

Tori: drake, by any chance, did

You bring liza here to try and

Make me jealous?

Drake: no. I--i care deeply

About her.

Tori: yeah? What's her last

Name?

Drake: oh, uh, john--jambalaya.

Tori: liza jambalaya?

Drake: ok. [Sighs] tori...

Tori: you want to get back

Together with me?

Drake: how'd you know?

Tori: because guys don't just

Go, [sighs] "tori" unless

They're breaking up with you or

They want to get back together

With you, and you already did

The first one.

Drake: well, do you want to get

Back together?

Tori: maybe. Do you?

Drake: maybe.

Tori: but I kind of feel bad

About brent.

Drake: oh, yeah. Uh...

Wait here.

Brent, this is liza. You like

Her?

Brent: uh, sure.

Drake: cool. She's a people

Person, she loves animals, and

Her dad's in the m*llitary.

Brent: really? My dad's in the

m*llitary, too.

Liza: no way.

Brent: coast guard.

Liza: navy!

Drake: oh, you kids have fun.

We're good to go.

We're good to go. Tori: awesome.

Tori: awesome.

Tori: awesome. Josh: 'sup?

Josh: 'sup?

Josh: 'sup? Mindy: josh?

Mindy: josh?

Josh?

Josh: I'm in a meeting.

Mindy: would you come out of

Mindy: would you come out of there?

There?

Ok. Why do you have half a

Mustache made of magic marker?

Josh: I woke up yesterday

Morning and half my mustache was

Just gone.

Mindy: half?

That girl owes me bucks.

Josh: huh?

Mindy: nothing. Go on.

Josh: so then drake said I look

Stupid so he filled in the

Missing half with magic marker.

But then I just decided to get

Rid of the whole thing, so I

Shaved off the hair half and now

I can't get the magic marker

Half off.

Mindy: well, here.

You should at least be

Symmetrical. There.

Josh: do I look good?

Mindy: uh-huh.

Josh: [sighs] the power of the

'Stache.

Drake: you know, I got to tell

You, I hate your girlfriend, but

Her idea to make tori jealous

Was really smart.

Josh: not that smart. They've

Done it on every sitcom since

S. Sure do miss kissing her,

You know?

Drake: yeah, I miss kissing

Tori.