03x14 - Theater Thug

[bunniefuu]

You know, sometimes people

Just make mistakes.

You know, nothing's more fun

Than watchin' josh screw up.

Like, I will never forget the

Time drake and I were at the

San diego galleria.

Like this one time, he

Made me go to the mall with him?

I needed a special shampoo,

You know, for my scalp issues.

So we're standin' by the food

Court and I see this...

Older person.

And drake spots my grammy

Walkin' into the pottery barrel.

[Chuckles] so I say to josh,

"Hey, there's your grammy. Go

Give her a hug."

So, I hand drake my sack

With the shampoo.

So he gives me his...

Nerdshampoo.

And I run over to the

Pottery barrel.

And he takes off full

Speed, runnin' towards the

Pottery barrel...

And, you know, I'm yellin',

"Grammy, grammy!

It's me, joshie!"

And he's yellin', "grammy,

Grammy! It's me, joshie!"

And then I finally get to

Her, spin her around, and give

Her a big ol' hug.

[Laughs] but it wasn't

His grammy.

And then I realized it was

An older gentleman.

[Laughs] it was a dude!

He just happened to look like

My grammy...from the back.

So the old guy goes,

"Get off of me!" And then he

Knees josh right in the place

You do not wanna be kneed.

For an old man, he had

A powerful knee.

Anyway, from the back, I

Really did think the old man

Was josh's grammy.

I didn't get mad at drake,

Though, 'cause he really did

Think that old man was

My grammy.

Or did i?

Or did i? Or did he?

Or did he?

Hey, josh.

What's up?

Some lady left a wig in

The toilet.

A wig?

Helen wants one of us

To get it out.

I'm kind of busy here.

Could you do it?

No.

Hey, man.

Drake, what are you

Doin' here?

You said me you needed a ride

Home from work.

Yeah, at :. It's :.

All right. Catch a bus.

Wait, wait. Come on, just

Hang out here till I'm

Ready to go.

What am I gonna do in a movie

Theater for hours?

Wow, that's a tough one.

Well, I guess I could see

A movie.

Genius.

I'm gonna see eye of the

Mummy.now I just need a date.

Eye of the mummystarts at

:. Where are you gonna find a

Date in minutes?

Hmm. Hey, you wanna see

A movie with me?

Sure.

So, what's your name?

Hazel.

Oh, like the nut.

Uh-huh.

Ok, I got us tickets to...

Hazel?

...and right here is the cafe

Area where the young people

Socialize, uh-huh, and over

Here is the concession stand

And, let's see, half the

Theaters are that way and the

Other half are over there.

Thanks. We won't need to go

Into the theaters. I think we

Can sh**t everything we need

Right in this area here.

All right, well, you just

Let me know, uh-huh. Uh-oh.

I'll be right back.

Problem?

No, no, I've just gotta get

My taquitos out the microwave.

Hey, can I talk to you

For a sec?

Sure.

My name's jeff carlson. I'm

With the show fbi's most wanted.

Fbi's most wanted?well,

I love that show. I watch it

Every saturday night.

Really? I'd think a teenager

Like yourself would be out on

Saturday nights.

Yeah, you would think that.

Anyway, we're sh**ting a

Segment for the show here

On monday.

A crime re-enactment?

Yeah, and, actually, you look

A little bit like the criminal

We're profiling. How would you

Like to play him in the

Re-enactment?

You want me to play the

Bad guy?

Sound fun?

Yeah. I mean, I'm not much

Of an actor.

Neither is jennifer lopez.

True that.

Anyway, you run in, yell,

"Give me the money!" And you

Run out. It's a piece of cake.

I do like cake. [Chuckles]

All right, then. You're

Hired.

All right. Cool. Thank you.

I got it.

♪ I never thought

That it'd be so simple,

But I found a way,

I found a way,

If you open up your mind,

See what's inside,

It's gonna take some time

To realign,

But if you look inside,

I'm sure you'll find

Over your shoulder

You know that I told you

I'd always be picking you up

When you're down,

So just turn around,

So just turn around, ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

I sodon't wanna do this.

Come on, just work with me

For minutes.

What are you guys doin'?

He wants me to help him

Rehearse his lines for fbi's

Most wanted.

Ok, you stand here, right?

I'm gonna rush in through

That door.

Dude, you are takin' this

Acting thing waytoo seriously.

Look, I just wanna be good,

All right?

It's acting. You show up, you

Say some stuff, you go home.

Anyone can do it.

You be quiet, all right?

Here's your script. Now,

You're the cashier,

And I'm the theater thug.

Yeah, yeah.

Just stand there and when I

Rush in, you do your line and

Just react naturally to what

I say. Ready?!

Wait. Let me go over my line.

"What?" Yeah, I'm ready.

Drake, yell "action"!

Drake, yell "action"! [Bored] action.

[Bored] action.

Where's the money?

What?

This is a holdup! Give me

The money! I ain't playin'!

[Megan laughing]

Come on, you can't giggle.

You said to react naturally.

You tried to act tough, so,

Naturally, I laughed.

All right, fine. Don't react

Naturally. Just react the way

You would if I was a big,

Scary robber.

Fine.

All right.

Drake!

Drake! [Bored] action.

[Bored] action.

Where's the money?

What?

This is a holdup! You give

Me the money! I ain't playin'!

There's a cop behind you.

What cop? Oof! Megan?

Megan, you open this door!

All right, fine. I'll just

Bust it down.

[Rapid footsteps]

[Thud]

[Thud] oof! Never mind.

Oof! Never mind.

Ok, I'm needing a little

More light in this area by the

Ticket counter. Hey, kid.

How you feelin'?

Ok. Little nervous.

Relax. You're gonna be great.

Can you cover up that

Pimple on his chin? It's huge.

Aw, jeez.

Don't worry. No one will

Notice. Jeannie, can I get a

Script?

Here you go.

Do you want a doughnut?

It's got sprinkles.

Uh, sure. Thanks.

Oh, don't thank me. Anything

You need, just let me know.

Will do.

By any chance, would you

Like to be in the re-enactment?

Like to be in the re-enactment? I'll go fluff my hair! Ohh!

I'll go fluff my hair! Ohh!

Hey, josh.

Drake, what are you doin'

Here?

I've never seen a real tv

Show sh*t before. Yikes! What's

With the ginormous pimple?

Just get out of here, all

Right? I'm already

Nervous enough.

Whoa, just take it easy, man.

Hey, say that again.

What do you mean?

Say, "whoa, just take it

Easy, man," like you just did.

Whoa, just take it easy, man.

Nice. You wanna play scared

Guy number one?

He's really not an actor.

Oh, what's acting? You show

Up, you say some stuff, you go

Home. So, you in?

Do I get paid?

You can have this doughnut.

I'm in.

Ok, people, let's sh**t one

Of these. Josh, you enter from

There, you run over here, and

You say your lines to the girl

Playing the cashier. Ok?

Ok.

Um...

Drake.

Drake. After he says, "I

Ain't playin'," you say, "whoa,

Just take it easy, man."

Sure.

Where do I stand? What do

I do?

You just stand there with

Them and react scared when the

Robbery starts.

Got it.

Ok? Ok, first positions,

Please!

First positions!

Roll camera.

Rolling.

Speed.

Speed. And...action!

And...action!

Where's the money?

Aah! Aah! Aah, aah, aah!

Aah, aah, aah! Aa-aa-aah!

Cut! Listen, um, can I

Have another doughnut?

Well, sure, but I have to run

Across the street to get it.

No problem. We'll wait

For you.

Ok. I'll be back in a flash.

Ok, people, let's sh**t

Another one, quick!

First positions!

First positions!

Roll camera.

Rolling.

Speed.

Speed. And...action.

And...action.

Where's the money?

What?

This is a holdup. Give me

The money! I ain't playin'!

Whoa, just take it easy, man.

Back off! You got a safe

In here somewhere? I say...you

Got a safe in here somewhere?

Cashier, say your line.

I'm sorry. I just can't stop

Staring at his pimple.

Ohh!

Cut.

Announcer: coming up, we're

Gonna profile a real

Low-life who's been robbing

Movie theaters all over

Southern california. He's

Been nicknamed the theater thug,

And he's gotta be stopped. We'll

Be right back with the whole

Story.

Drake, get down here! It's

About to come on!

I don't see what the big

Deal is.

We're gonna be on tv.

So, that's the big deal.

So? Dad does the weather on

Tv every night, and we never

Watch him.

You told me megan always

Watches the weather.

Oh, she does. On channel .

Bruce winchill? Why would you

Watch his weather broadcast

Instead of mine?

'Cause bruce winchill has

Awesome hair.

His hair isincredible.

So, you guys watch my

Competitor 'cause he has

Better hair than me?

It's just so fluffy and

Inviting.

I know. Don't you just wanna

Take a nap in it?

Ohh. Yes.

I can't believe this!

[Doorbell rings]

Ohh! Who's that?

Oh, that's for me. I ordered

A pizza.

Drake, this is not pizza

Time. This is watch me on

Tv time!

Whoa, just take it easy, man.

Hi. I need .

Oh, one sec. .........

Tv announcer: and now back to

Fbi's most wanted.

Drake, hurry! It's coming

Back on!

Mom, you got any singles?

I don't think so. Walter,

Do you have any cash?

Why don't you ask bruce

Winchill?

Don't be a baby.

Pull it together, people.

I'm gonna be on tv!

Really? What show?

Fbi's most wanted.

Oh, I love that show!

Sweet, bro, 'cause you're

Watchin' it! Let's go,

Pizza man! Oh, ho! There I am!

Where's the money?

What?

This is a holdup! Give me

The money! I ain't playin'!

Whoa, just take it easy, man.

You guys are great.

Yeah, really believable.

Is that a pimple?

Announcer: now, take a look

At this picture of the

Real theater thug. He was

Recently spotted in los angeles

But could be anywhere in

The southern california area.

Wow, he does kind of look

Like josh.

Yeah, but with a normal-sized

Head.

Oh, yeah.

All: oh, definitely. Yeah.

Announcer: if you see this

Dangerous dirt bag,

Do not confront him because

He's known to be extremely

Violent. Just contact the police

Or call our national hotline

And remember, you can remain

Anonymous.

That was really exciting.

Yeah, you boys should be

Proud.

Totally. You guys got any

Totally. You guys got any parmesan?

Parmesan?

Ok. So, you're stranded on a

Desert island, and you're

About to starve to death. Would

You eat your own foot?

Can I cook it?

Sure.

Yeah, I'd eat my foot.

Me, too.

Now I'm all hungry. I'm

Gonna get a pretzel.

You want one?

Nah, I'll wait here.

All right. I'll be back in

A sec.

I wonder what ketchup tastes

Like on a foot?

Hey, were you on fbi's

Most wanted?

Uh, yeah, that was me.

Can we have your autograph?

Can we have your autograph? Yeah, sure.

Yeah, sure.

Can I help you ladies?

It's the theater thug!

No, no, no.

Someone call the cops!

You don't understand.

I just played the guy

In the re-en--

Get him!

No--

Don't let him get away!

What are you doing? Ow! Whoa!

No, wait! Stop! Ow! Pain in

My leg! Pain in my leg!

I'm not the guy!

I'm not the guy! Ohh! She--ow!

She's coming with me, then!

She's coming with me, then! She is coming with me!

She is coming with me!

Thanks. You were soawesome

On that tv show.

I said one line.

I know, but you said it so

Cool.

Drake, do you know where your

Brother is? That boy's over

Minutes late for work, and I'm

So mad I could spit.

Uh, I don't know. He--

Helen! Helen!

Where have you been?

At the police station!

Again?

Yeah. People keep recognizing

Me from fbi's most wanted.

Yeah, me, too. You know

I've signed, like, autographs

Today?

Well, how nice for you.

People keep thinkin' that

I'm the theater thug. Then

They b*at me up and call

The cops. It happened

Times already.

Tough nuts. Get to work!

Hey, it's the theater thug!

No, no, no. You don't

Understand. I just played the

Guy in the re-enactment. I'm--

Get him!

Boy scouts: waahh! Aah!

Times!

Come on, you guys, get off

Of him. He's not the guy.

Get off--

Hey, drake, can my friend

Get your autograph, too?

Of course she can.

Boy scouts: waahh! Aah!

I'm not the guy!

I'm not the guy! I'm not the guy! Aah!

I'm not the guy! Aah!

Hey, josh!

What?

I think megan has a fix for

Your little problem.

I've been eating bran

Every day.

Not that problem.

Look, everyone keeps thinking

You're the theater thug, right?

Yeah?

So, all you need is a

Disguise until the real guy

Gets caught.

What kind of disguise?

Show him.

Move the melon.

The watermelon.

Oh, right.

So, I got a picture of you,

Played around with it on

Photodoc, and came up with a few

Possibilities. Ok. Here's you.

Yeah?

And here's potential

Disguise number one. Kind of a

Punk rocker look.

Yeah. Next?

Ok.

Not happening.

Show him the next one.

Ok. I call this "little

Joshika."

Click.

[Sighs] ok. How 'bout this?

See, this is sort of a

Retro mr. T look.

[As mr. T] I pity da fool!

I'm out of here.

Hey, dude, you wanna keep

Getting mistaken for the

Theater thug, gettin' beaten up

And arrested?

No.

Then you better pick some

Then you better pick some disguise.

Disguise.

Come on.

Josh: I feel like an idiot.

Josh: I feel like an idiot. You look fine.

You look fine.

I look so stupid.

So? At least you're not

Gettin' b*at up or arrested.

I guess. What it is? People

Are starin' at me.

So? Just ignore 'em. At least

It's workin'.

Hey, it's the theater thug!

No, no, no!

And he's wearing a hippie

Disguise!

No, no! See, my name

Is antoine. How are you--

Don't let him get away!

I'm--no, please! I'm not the

Guy! Hey, it's not me! I'm...

[Whistle blows]

Wait, wait! I'm not the guy!

You've got the--no! [Sputtering]

I'm not--i'm not the guy!

No! Tell him I'm not the guy!

He went that way! He went--

He went that way! He went-- I'm not the guy!

I'm not the guy!

Hey, josh. What's up, gavin?

Stackin' chairs.

Cool. So you still want a

Ride home?

Yeah. Let me just power

Down the popcorn machine.

All right, josh, I'm goin'

Salsa dancing. You lock up

Tonight.

Why can't gavin lock up?

Who do you think I'm goin'

Salsa dancing with?

Adios, josh.

Make sure you mop the floor

Before you leave and, drake,

You are cute as a clamshell.

See ya.

Have fun, helen.

Oh, we gonna have a fiesta

Of a time. Come on, gavin. Work

'Em out. Come on. Shake it.

Yeah, baby!

Hey, do me a favor? Get

The mop from the janitor's

Closet while I lock up?

I don't know where it is.

Just go past helen's office

Down the stairs to the basement.

Down the stairs to the basement. Stairs? You owe me.

Stairs? You owe me.

Sorry, bro. We're closed.

Didn't I see you on tv

Last week?

Yes. But, look, I am not the

Real theater thug.

Yeah, I know that.

Good.

I am.

Look, I'm about--[stutters]

[Shakily] hello.

Where's the money?

I don't know!

Yeah, you do!

Yeah, I do!

Where is it?

Register!

Get it!

Whoa! Get it!

What?!

Um...like, helen just says

That I'm not allowed to open

The register unless someone

Makes a purchase.

Either you open the register

Or I open your head.

I do like my head closed.

Open it!

Opening!

[Car engine]

The cops!

[Siren]

Did you hit the alarm?

No! We don't even have an

Alarm! But check it out, if

We did, I sure wouldn't hit it

Because I like to think of us

As friends. Don't you?

No!

Why wouldja?!

Officer, on bullhorn: come out

With your hands up. We have

The place surrounded.

You can't escape.

Did you hear him? You should

Probably give yourself up.

There's no escape.

Officer: come out of there.

This is your last warning.

No, this is your last

Warning! I got a kid! Look, I'm

Goin' out the front door!

Nobody try to even stop me!

Please let me go! You're

Squishing my adam's apple!

Shut up! Hey, man, you know

You got a big head?

Yeah, dude, I know.

[Sirens]

Josh, duck!

What?

What? I have a mop! I had a mop.

I have a mop! I had a mop.

Cops: all right, come outta

There! You got seconds!

Josh! Josh! The mop!

Ha ha ha!

I got him!

Yeah, you did. Ok, you stay

On him while I go get the cops!

Officer: there he is!

[Blows whistle]

I got the guy! Ohh!

Good thing you guys are here!

Thanks for helping me out!

Wait, what are you doing?

I'm not the guy!

I am not the guy! I'm not

The guy!

♪ So now that I know

That anything's possible,

I found a way,

I found a way,

No one can break

What's so unbreakable,

I found a way,

I found a way,

If you open up your mind... ♪

♪ And see what's inside

♪ It's gonna take some time

To realign,

But if you look inside

I'm sure you'll find,

Over your shoulder,

You know that I told you

I'll always be picking you up

When you're down,

So just turn around ♪

My favorite part!

Here we go now!

♪ No one cares...

Say what?

♪ What you give

Sing it!

♪ You know you gotta live

Like you wanna live,

When it's time... ♪

To be what?

♪ To be free,

You know you gotta be

What you wanna be ♪

Yeah!

♪ It's gonna take some time

To realign ♪

It's gonna take some time

To realign.

♪ But if you look inside

I'm sure you'll find ♪

And now the picture version.

♪ Over your shoulder,

You know that I told you

I'll always be picking you up

When you're down,

So just turn around ♪

Yeah! Told you I'm awesome.

[Drake laughing]

Man: mmm.

Man: mmm. [Electricity buzzing]