04x14 - Steered Straight

[bunniefuu]

Drake is always getting me

In trouble, which I do not like.

You're not normal

If you don't get in trouble

Once in a while.

Like, last weekend,

I tried to do a nice thing

By taking drake to visit

My cousin skippy's dairy farm.

So, last weekend,

Josh drags me

To his bowlegged cousin's

Dairy farm.

Skippy's a bit bowlegged,

But it's not that noticeable.

You could drive a truck

Between his legs.

So at around midnight,

Drake tries to tell me

Cows are ticklish.

So, the first night

We're there,

I told josh cows are ticklish.

So he talks me into sneaking

Out of my cousin's house.

So he sneak

Out of bowleggy's house.

And we go

To the milking barn.

And I take josh to the barn

Where they milk all the cows.

Where he makes me go try

To tickle one of the cows.

So he walks

Right up to this huge cow

And tickles it.

Which made the cow angry.

The cow was not happy.

Next thing I know,

I got a mad cow

Chasing me up walnut grove road.

And now we're both grounded.

I can't believe

I have to stay in this house

All weekend.

See ya.

I should've known

Cows aren't ticklish.

I knew cows weren't ticklish.

[Music]

General cornwallis continued

To chase washington's army

Through new jersey

Until the americans withdrew

Across the delaware river.

Because I'm an expert

On ice cream toppings.

Okay, I admit

Some people call 'em jimmies,

But everybody I know

Calls 'em sprinkles.

Well, I'm not from the south.

Fine, I'll look it up on the web

Right now.

While the americans

Withdrew--

Megan!

I was doing my homework.

I'm on the phone.

And now I'm laptop-less.

All right.

General cornwallis,

Or as his friends

Called him, g-corn--

Dude, this saturday night,

We are so hooked up.

Where are we going?

Oh, nowhere.

Just to see your favorite band,

The hailstones.

Well, shut your mouth.

Uh-uh, it's open.

The hailstones are playing

In san diego?

Yeah, at the reptile room.

Oh, that is so--

Man, we can't get

Into the reptile room.

You have to be over .

You are...mr. Yakitori.

What's this?

Fake i.d.

Here, check mine out.

"Jefferson steelflex"?

Yeah, I made it up.

Oh, really?

Look, so you're suggesting

That we use fake i.d.s

To get into a nightclub,

Posing as jefferson steelflex

And alvin yakitori.

Yup, and, hey,

We gotta be there before :

Because I'm pretty sure--

It's illegal

To use fake i.d.s.

Yeah, well,

It's illegal to rob banks,

But people do it.

Yes, people

Who are bank robbers.

I'm not using a fake i.d.

Come on, the hailstones,

Joshie's favorite band. Come on,

The reptile room serves churros.

Churros?

It's not like

We're gonna drink or anything.

We're just gonna go

And listen to some music.

Yeah, but--

Dude, but everybody uses

Fake i.d.s.

It's not gonna be a problem.

[Doorbell rings]

Dad?

Walter.

♪ I never thought

That it'd be so simple,

But I found a way,

I found a way,

If you open up your mind,

See what's inside,

Well, it's gonna take

Some time to realize,

But if you look inside,

I'm sure you'll find,

Over your shoulder, you know

That I told you

I'll always be

Picking you up

When you're down,

So just turn around ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ooh

[Music]

"Jefferson steelflex"?

"Alvin yakitori"?

They could be names.

Yeah, on planet crazytron.

You know, I can

Almost understand you

Doing something this stupid,

But you?

Well, he tempted me

With churros.

That's your excuse:

A fried mexican pastry?

Have you ever tasted one?

Can we talk

To you two privately?

Of course.

Both of you, in the closet.

What?

Closet?

Closet!

Now, officers,

I know they broke the law--

Okay, don't worry.

Don't worry,

They're not under arrest.

Thank you.

Believe me,

They're gonna be grounded

For a long time.

What good does that do?

They've been grounded

A hundred times.

Well, if you really wanna

Make an impression on 'em,

Our department does have

A steered straight program.

What's that?

We come in,

We handcuff 'em, show 'em

What it's like to get arrested.

It's a very

Effective program.

Teaches kids what can happen

If they break the law.

Yeah.

Here's a pamphlet.

Oh.

And this is our card.

Just give us a call

If you decide you wanna do it.

Thank you, officers.

We really appreciate it.

Not a problem.

Have a good night.

Wait.

Aren't you the weather guy

From channel ?

That's right.

I am.

[Both laughing]

Why does everyone do that?

[Music]

Could you please hurry up

And finish this?

Well, if you would

Stop moving.

Well--

Ugh.

I gotta get more pins.

I'm gonna go get some water.

[Drake playing guitar]

This doesn't surprise me.

I'm helping your mother.

Uh-huh.

She's making a prom dress

For taylor,

The anderson's daughter.

I thought taylor was a boy.

Nope.

What are those?

Grapefruits.

Can I go to boarding school?

[Doorbell rings]

I got it.

Ooh, this is gonna be good.

Close the laptop

And put down the guitar.

What's goin' on?

Up against the wall.

What?

What?

Against the wall.

Okay.

What did we do?

Hey, hey, watch the glutes.

Quiet.

Hands behind your back.

Oh, sweetie.

Are you crying?

I've just never been

This happy.

Is this necessary?

Would you just--come on?

Whoa!

Mom, walter,

Would you do something?

Oh, we did do something.

It's called

The steered straight program.

Both: what?!

You boys need to learn

How to act like men.

It's for a prom.

Yes, ma'am.

Sir!

Tonight, you boys

Are gonna see

What it's like to be arrested,

Processed, booked, and jailed.

Jailed?

Processed?

Dad, this is ridiculous.

No, it's not.

You guys have been getting

Into a lot of trouble lately.

Like what?

The fake i.d.s.

Burning down

Our neighbor's tree house.

The counterfeit grills.

The speeding ticket.

You got a speeding ticket?

Oh, yeah, thank you, megan.

All right, enough.

Let's go.

Come on, you can't do this.

This is gonna be good

For you.

It's already good for me.

You guys need to learn

The importance of behaving.

Well, this is so unfair.

Come on.

What are those?

Grapefruits.

Can I have one?

Yeah.

Thanks.

All right,

Out the door.

[Drake and josh complaining]

This ain't fair!

Come on!

This isn't fair!

Is my dress ready yet?

[Megan shudders]

[Music]

Mmm! Man, this grapefruit

Is excellent.

A little sour, though.

Either of you boys got

Any sugar on you?

No.

Who carries their own sugar?

You'd be surprised.

When you're a cop,

You see a lot of things.

-, -,

Report of a robbery in progress,

Corner of el centro and leland.

Suspect wearing

A camouflage shirt

And red knit cap.

Unit - responding.

I'm a block

South of your location,

Going code .

Hey, hang on, boys.

[Siren]

What's going on?

Robbery at a jiffy mart.

Yeah, and here we go.

[Tires screech]

Hey, hold my grapefruit.

With what?

I'm handcuffed.

What do you expect me

To hold your grape--

[Mumbling]

I was just trying to do

Something nice for you.

[Mumbling angrily]

Well, fine.

If that's the way you want it.

[Mumbling]

Come on,

You are totally misquoting me.

That's not even how I said it.

What--

[Dispatcher talking on radio]

Hey.

Hello.

Both: aah!

[Whistle blowing]

Hey, get out of my car!

Freeze!

You freeze!

[Siren, tires screech]

Yeah! Ha ha ha ha!

What are you doing?

Not going to jail,

That's what I'm doing.

Hang on, boys.

We're in a stolen police car,

And we are running from the law.

Yeah!

Oh. Ha ha ha ha!

[Laughing nervously]

[Crying and screaming]

[Music]

[Siren]

All right,

You know you can get

In a lot of trouble

For stealing the cop car?

I'm already

In a lot of trouble.

[Slams on brakes]

So who are you guys?

Well, I'm, uh, uh...

Jefferson steelflex.

Alvin yakitori.

And you are?

Blaze.

Why do they call you blaze?

Be quiet!

I see.

I think this guy is dangerous.

Why? 'Cause he just robbed

A convenience store

And now he stole a cop car?

Maybe we should just tell him

We're high school students,

So he'll let us go.

And what if he doesn't

Let us go?

Oh! Ohh!

This guy thinks

We're real criminals right now,

So let's keep it that way.

Oh, right.

Right, so he'll think

We're one of him.

Yeah, so no matter

What he does--

So what'd you guys

Get busted for?

Oh...um, you know,

Uh, crime.

Yeah, yeah.

We robbed a...robbed a...

A store.

Ooh.

We robbed that store good.

Nice, nice.

You guys are all right.

Well, what do you expect?

We're rebels.

Hardened criminals.

Hardened.

Yeah, yeah.

In fact, we were planning

On hitting a house tonight.

A house?

I'm trying to get him

To drop us off at our place.

Ah, good, good.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

We're hitting a house.

Yeah, perfect for robbing.

Yeah, we've been watching it

For a couple of weeks now.

Owners are out of town.

Yes.

So, um, if you could

Drop us off there,

That'd be good.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

I'm in.

Let's do it.

Whoa, whoa. Uh...

You're in?

What do you mean in?

I'm gonna hit the place

With you.

Oh, um...

Thank you?

Uh, but we don't really need

Any help.

Yeah, yeah,

This is more of a two-man job,

If you know--

You'd be a superfluous.

Superfluous?

It's on

My word-a-day calendar...

That I stole!

Well, look. Yeah, yeah,

You know, so we don't

Really need your help.

I want in!

Please join us.

Would you help us?

'Cause we could use the help.

You--please.

Good.

What's this?

It's a grapefruit.

Oh.

It's a little sour.

Good thing I always carry around

A little sugar with me.

[Music]

[Dogs barking outside]

Give me your head.

Hey! Hey! Watch it.

Ow, ow!

Okay, handcuffs, okay?

Ow! Ow!

Cuffs, cuffs! Ow!

Thank you.

You're next.

Oh, joy, joy.

Oh, just--gentle, gentle.

Okay watch the ears, please.

Watch 'em! Ginger!

Ginger! Ginger!

All right.

You got a big head.

Yeah, old news, dude.

So, who lives in this house?

Uh...

You know, some stupid family.

That we don't know.

Okay.

I'm gonna check out

The rest of the house.

Great idea.

You scope out the downstairs,

We'll scope out the upstairs.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Just over there.

Are you crazy?

What if mom, dad, and megan

Are downstairs?

Look, both of the cars

Are gone, all right?

So nobody's home.

Good.

Oh, quick, quick.

Let's call the cops

Before he comes back.

Yeah, right, right,

Right, okay.

All right.

All right, work together.

Teamwork.

Teamwork.

To the left.

No, grab it.

Come on, get--grab it.

All right,

Press the "," man.

Oh, this isn't gonna work!

All right.

Fine, fine, here.

I'll hold it behind my back,

You dial it with your nose.

I'm not stickin' my nose

Down there.

Would you rather take

Your chances

With a vicious criminal?

I think so.

Oh, just dial the number.

All right.

[Beep]

...

[Beep]

...

Ah-choo!

Oh, man,

You sneezed on my palm!

It is allergy season.

Man, these people are loaded.

Sterling silver jewelry.

Who are you guys calling?

Um...

Calling?

We were calling our boys.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Just to set up our next crime

To, uh...

Uh...

Kidnap the governor.

Yeah, kidnap the governor.

Whoa, seriously?

Oh, oh, yeah.

You know how much they'd pay

To get that guy back, come on.

I don't know,

His poll numbers are down--

Oh, really?

They'd pay a fortune!

Kidnapping the governor.

That's pretty insane.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah, we're nuts.

You don't wanna get mixed in

With us.

So you just better

Scoot on out of here

Before you get wrapped up

In our activities.

Whoa, wait, wait, man.

You're gonna need a little help

For a job that big, right?

Help?

Yeah--no, no,

We got our own little posse.

Call my crew.

You call it a crew?

Who sneezed on the phone?

It's allergy season.

[Spraying]

[Music]

Thanks.

Hey, how'd you learn to do that?

Never look me in the eye.

Message received.

So are we gonna talk

About this governor job or what?

[Car door slams]

What was that?

Sounded like a car door.

It's some goofy-looking dude

In a really bad shirt.

Both: dad.

Here.

I'll take care of him.

No, no, no, no, no!

Uh, we'll take him.

What do you mean?

Dude, do you want them

To hurt walter?

All right, just follow my lead.

Everybody hide.

Uh, yeah, hide, hide.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no.

I said I wanted an extra-large.

Oh, and--

Here.

Tape his mouth shut

And throw him in the closet.

Hey!

Yeah! Good call, good call!

Let's go, old guy we don't know!

[Walter shouting, muffled]

What are you doing?!

We'll explain later.

What?

What are we gonna do?

Look, I don't know.

What if they find out

We're not real criminals?

They cannot find that out!

[Crying] I don't wanna kidnap

The governor.

Kidnap the governor?

Look, we are not gonna kidnap

Anyone, okay?

We just gotta get those g*ons

Out of our house.

Oh, dad's cell phone.

Right.

Aah!

Shh!

Where's your cell phone?

I dropped it

When you guys att*cked me.

Oh, man.

Now, I wanna know

What's going on.

Okay, now what?

Uh, man, I don't--

Oh! Your magic kit.

Yeah, what about it?

Well, it's got all that fake

Blood and stuff in it, right?

Yeah, but how are we gonna--

Come on.

Wait! What are you doing?

What am I gonna do?!

Uh, here.

Play with this yarn.

Okay, come on!

[Screaming]

Okay, you know what to do?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give me the blood.

Man, are we gonna do this

Or not?

You said we were pulling

A job.

We are.

We better be.

I left right in the middle

Of "american idol" for this.

You sure these guys

Are for real?

Yeah, man.

They were locked up

In the back of a cop car

When I found them.

These guys are hardcore.

All right.

You said I could grab

The governor.

[Groans]

I'm the one

Who calls the sh*ts!

Yeah, well maybe I'm sick

Of you calling the sh*ts!

Hey, jefferson, alvin,

Let's keep it cool.

Listen, I'm the one

Who's gonna grab the governor,

And you're the one

Who's gonna keep his mouth shut!

And who's the one

That's gonna make me?

Oh, not again.

Hey, hey, hey.

Take it easy now.

Hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Screaming]

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't b*at that boy

With a banana!

[Josh screaming and moaning]

Whoa.

Aah!

Yeah! Yeah!

How you gonna grab

The governor with...

Aah!

With no hand?!

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, my god!

Yanked his hand right off!

And ate his finger!

That dude is psycho!

I'm gettin'

Out of this place!

Aah!

Go, go, go!

Aah!

My date never showed up.

[Music]

You know,

I hope you feel really bad

About putting us

Through all that.

Well, how were we supposed

To know that you were gonna get

All tangled up

With real criminals?

Well, just please

Don't have us arrested again.

Yeah, I've never been

So scared in my life.

I have.

Try walking into your kitchen

And finding your father

Wearing a prom dress

Stuffed with grapefruits.

Yeah, but that just--

Dad!

The closet.

[Straining]

[Screaming]

You left him handcuffed

In the closet?

Well, we forgot.

We're sorry.

That's terrible.

Yeah.

You gonna eat that dumpling?

Uh-uh.

How great

Are these egg rolls?

Awesome.

Hey, pass the fried rice.

Say please.

Please?

No.

[Music]

You guys have been behav--

Be-beh!

Well, it's the dress.

--Their own sugar?

That's drake's line.

Go ahead again.

You did it good, though.

You guys both did it.

I have.

Try walking into your kitchen

And finding your father

Wearing a prom dress

Stuffed in grapefruits.

[Laughter]

Darn it!

How could he be stuffed

In the grapefruits?

Sorry.

That's all right.

[Timer dings]

Mmm!