(grand orchestral fanfare
playing)
("Presents for Christmas"
by Solomon Burke playing)
Oh, this is gonna be
a groove for me
It's gonna be a little
something different
But we gonna give it
to 'em anyway
Are you ready?
Come on! Ha!
We wanna give out a present
to everybody this Christmas
All around the world
For every man, woman,
boy and girl
Are you ready right now?
Come one, here we go
Ah, I like it like that,
come on
That's it,
all right, come on
Oh-oh
Christmas presents
around the world
Something mighty sweet
to see
If only if I just had
A present for everyone
Under one great big
Christmas tree
Every boy that wants
a brand-new toy...
Jacket. Jacket. Jacket.
-Okay, see you later.
-(door closes)
For every Johnny
that wants a car
Every junior
that wants a mobile bike
That rides
and rides and rides
Now my little daughter
She wants a doll that cries
One that walks
and wipes its eyes
And I see there's someone...
(phone ringing)
RECEPTIONIST:
Flaxman's Auction House.
How may I direct your call?
Just to lean her head
in their arms
(phone chimes)
What a Christmas present,
this Christmas
Oh, what a gift you could be
You know if I could
just give out
Christmas presents
to everyone
Under one great big
Christmas tree...
I mean, obviously, it's not the
usual way of doing the pricing,
but I figured if we give people
a high percentage
of the money we make,
they'll be more likely
to give us more things
in the future, so...
In the end, everyone wins.
Have you told Flaxman?
Uh, no. No, I just want
to finish it first.
Christmas presents
around the world
Something mighty sweet
to see
Only if I just had
a present for everyone
Under one great big
Christmas tree
(phone chimes)
Well, every boy that wants
a brand-new toy
For every Johnny
that wants a car
For every junior...
-Ah, Mr. Flaxman.
-Bernard.
This is Henry Hackford
of the Metropolitan Museum
of Art.
Uh, it's an honor
to meet you, sir.
Nice to meet you, too.
I'd like you to take him
through your new catalog.
The Museum are
potential purchasers
of many of your treasures.
Yes, right.
Um, I'm just kind of late
for something. It's...
Okay. Sure, sure.
Oh, it'd be a pleasure, sir.
Of course. Thank you.
Thank you.
(whispering): Why are you
carrying such an ugly bear?
It's a particular focus
on cartography
and the natural world.
I'm really proud
of the breadth and...
range of pieces
we've got in this sale.
Thank you.
Work ye, Bernard. Work ye.
(squeaks)
(keys jingle)
Hello, Bernard.
Um, I-I'm so sorry.
I-- Let-let me just
explain everything.
I already know what happened.
It was,
"Of course, Mr. Flaxman,"
and work, work, work.
And you missed
your daughter's birthday.
I mean-- (sighs)
Uh, yes, t-that's
pretty much it.
Really, I'm so sorry, I ju--
(sighs)
Okay. Should I wake her up
so you can give her
your present?
Yeah, uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, of course, um...
Uh, just give me one second.
I just, uh, I just need to
sort something.
(chuckles)
(breathing heavily)
Oh. Hey.
Hey. Hey, sweetheart.
(cartoonish voice):
Happy birthday!
(normal voice):
Huh? Okay. Yep.
Um, well, I...
I got this for you.
Groceries?
No, no, uh, let me just
help you with that.
It's a jewelry box,
golden jewelry box.
Unbelievable, Bernie.
I think it's stuck.
Uh, oh, this is
your first antique.
Isn't it pretty?
Sweetie, why don't, um...
you go to your room and pack
a bag for Grandma's, okay?
Okay.
(inhales sharply)
Oh, Bernie.
What are we gonna do? I, um...
I think I'm gonna take Eve
to my mom's like we planned,
but, uh... I'm just gonna
need some time there.
At least through
the holidays and...
I-I think it's best
if you don't come.
(chuckling):
What?
Julie, no-- please,
y-you're kidding.
Please be kidding.
No, Bernie, I am so not kidding.
This is the least funny
conversation of my life.
It's been going on
for such a long time.
It's like...
It's like you've
forgotten who we are.
And what a family means. And I--
I'm really sorry about the box.
What she really wanted for
her birthday was a dollhouse.
Though I'm sure an hour of
her dad's undivided attention
would've been just as good.
Bernie, it is one thing
to drop the ball with me,
but with Eve?
(footsteps approaching)
(Eve clears throat)
JULIE:
I'll be back, okay?
You missed my birthday.
Oh, I'm--
I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
Mom says you're
a selfish bastard.
S-She was joking.
Well, d-darling...
Bells will be ringing
The glad, glad news
Oh, what a Christmas
To have the blues
My baby's gone
-(knocking)
-I have no friends
FLAXMAN:
Come in.
Please come home
for Christmas...
Bernard. Sit ye. Sit ye.
Once again.
Thank you for taking me
through the catalog last night.
It was very eye-opening.
Well, I'm glad
it was for you, sir.
I have to say, it was
a complete disaster for me.
Oh, dear.
By the time
I got home yesterday,
I'd missed
my daughter's birthday.
And then, my wife,
uh, she decided
that she was gonna...
well, sort of move out
for a bit.
That's terrible.
I need to find a way right now
t-to make things right.
What I'm trying to say
is I-I'm gonna need
more than just the holidays off.
I'm gonna need a few more weeks
to fight for my marriage.
Mm.
Yes, of course you are.
Oh.
Really? Oh, thank you, sir.
Will that be enough, though?
I-I honestly don't know, sir.
I hope so.
And what if we take it
one step further?
What if we extend
this sabbatical
to say, I don't know, 12 months?
And after that,
another 12 months.
And then another 12 months.
Are you-- are you suggesting
I take three years off?
Five years. Ten years!
Let's go nuts!
(chuckles)
All right. It sort of sounds
like you're firing me, sir.
(laughing):
Yes, I suppose I am.
You're a very evil person, sir.
Or a very clever businessman.
And you'll have years
to decide which. (laughs)
(sighs)
(door opens)
(door closes)
Bernie.
Hey, Lenny.
What do you think?
They let me spruce
the place up a bit.
Seasonal. Everyone's included.
Yeah, it's very nice.
How you doing, man?
Very badly.
I can tell by looking at you.
It's making me sad.
Okay, well, sorry
to be a downer.
No, no, you want to talk? You
want me to get another chair?
You want to-- I g--
I'm reading this great book.
This might be helpful.
It's a book
about parallel universes.
You know about this?
There might be another you
in another universe,
having a great life right now.
Maybe think about that.
That's uplifting.
Is it not?
Do you-- What are you doing
for Christmas?
You want to come over?
You can hang out with the cats.
It's fun.
You watch them, they fight.
There's one that lives outside.
Y-You're very kind, but...
(exhaling)
(screaming)
(soft whooshing)
(indistinct murmuring)
(Bernard grunts)
(murmuring continues)
(groans)
Oh, my God!
(Scottish accent):
You'd think I'd get used to it,
but I never do.
(grunts)
Okay, no, no, no,
you stay back, just stay back.
I-I don't want to hurt you,
but I will hurt you
if you-- if you don't
get out of here.
No, no, no.
H-Help!
Oh, no. It's fine. What do
you want? What do you want?
Seriously, you can
take everything.
Oh, you're just
wailing and crying
like a little baby goat.
-(bleating)
-Uh, I don't know what you're--
I-I don't-- I wish-- I wish
I understood what you're saying.
(clears throat)
(coughs)
(coughing continues)
(inhales sharply)
(American accent):
Is this better?
Is it-- Yeah, I mean, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. Then let's get to it.
Your wish is my command.
(laughing):
Yeah, okay, yeah, no.
(panting):
That's funny 'cause of the--
I wish you'd stop
trying to k*ll me.
Oh, this? No, this is--
That's just force of habit.
Who are you?
How'd you get into my house?
Oh, wh--
I was in the box.
O-Okay, sure.
Listen, uh, look,
I-I don't judge you,
or whatever recreational
prescription drug
of choice you've taken.
Just don't touch that. I-I need
you to get out of my house.
Okay? Seriously,
how did you get in?
Okay, I'm going
to talk slower for you.
That box...
that you were rubbing...
I was in it.
(chuckles) Okay, sure.
Sure, and how-- and how do you
get inside a box
that's nine inches wide?
Really good question.
It's a really simple answer.
You know, classic setup.
(chuckles)
Angry sorcerer.
(thunder rumbling)
(gasps)
You know, crazy eyes.
-(screaming)
-Pointed a finger at me.
Puff of smoke. Spinning and
turning trough time and space.
(screaming)
The next thing I know,
I'm inside this stupid box.
(laughing):
Okay, wow, wow.
I know!
Now, that's a strong move.
The "I'm a genie"
home invasion excuse, that's--
It's not an excuse.
I am a genie.
Right, yeah.
-Right, right, right.
-Mm-hmm.
BERNARD:
Damn.
I mean, the whole thing is--
No, no, no, you-you...
-Back off.
-Okay. All right.
Let's just...
You make wishes,
and then I make them come true.
That's how
this whole thing works.
Okay, so you're saying
you're an actual genie.
-Correct. We're like ghosts.
-Sure.
Or-or dragons or unicorns.
You know, it's like
you-you think we don't exist,
and then you bump into one
and you're like,
"Oh, hey. Oh, look at that.
A genie, genie, genie.
Genies everywhere."
Okay, well, you better get
your next alibi ready
pretty quick.
Okay, how about this?
Um, I-I wish...
Bring it.
...that my phone wasn't dead.
A-And, oh, I know.
How about a camel?
I wish I had my very own camel.
Huh? That seems
reasonable, right?
Sure thing, boss.
It's whatever floats your boat.
(phone chimes)
Okay, uh...
I mean, that's
a coincidence. The...
Hmm.
Is that a coincidence?
-(camel groans)
-(screams)
-(screams)
-(laughs)
Okay, I-I-I take back
the camel wish. I take it back.
Everybody always takes
the camel wish back.
(camel groans)
Oh, my God.
(chuckles) T-That is
interesting, though. The...
I just don't want Eve
growing up with a dad
who never seems
to put her first.
I had to push back
at some point.
-That's right.
-(sighs)
God, the problem
with Bernard is...
And you know I still love him.
But the problem is that
he thinks everything
will just be okay in the end.
Hmm.
(scoffs)
He is my guy,
but...
he just won't live
in the real world.
(both laugh)
Wow. This is so cool.
Oh, my grandma always
used to say,
"You don't get nothing
for free."
I wish she could see me now.
(chuckles)
Hello, Bernard.
(gasps)
Oh, look at you.
You're as thin as a rake.
Okay, on second thought,
no hard feelings, Grandma,
I wish she couldn't.
Got it.
I-I did not like that.
-(chuckles)
-Okay, so wait, am I...
Have I blown it already?
Am I already out of wishes?
No, keep at it.
What about the whole
three wishes thing?
(whispers):
Fairytale stuff.
(normal voice):
Real genies, unlimited wishes.
Wow, we have to be very careful,
don't we?
Uh, you do.
If you want my advice,
I would say
use the words "I wish"
with the caution that you
would usually reserve
for "please castrate me."
Just, you know.
(blows nose)
(sniffles) Oh.
What?
-Problem?
-What? N-No, no. Me? No problem.
No, blow away. (chuckles)
I-I just suppose a lot
of things have changed
since you were last out.
-Always do.
-Oh.
It's different
every single time.
Wow, so you've been
out of the box before?
Oh, yeah. I mean, here
and there, yeah. But, I mean...
I don't know,
from the looks of this place,
I'm thinking, this time,
it's been a really long one.
I mean, give or take
a day or two,
-if-if-if my dating on the box
is right... -Yeah. Okay.
I'd-I'd say about...
2,000 years.
2,000 years?
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Okay.
That's new information to me.
-Is it?
-That's... Yeah.
All right, well...
(sighs) Let's just get to work.
Just hit me.
You know, tell me what you want.
Is it girls?
Gold? Golden girls?
-Extra girls in gold, or what?
-Yeah, no, no,
-come on. That's...
-Well, I mean,
you don't have to be
embarrassed.
I know the score. You know?
I make you rich,
you go live in a palace,
you get five wives,
you start to get fat,
then you get mad at me,
-and you put me back in the box.
-No, no.
You've actually got me
all wrong.
Uh, money can't help me. It's...
Uh... (sighs)
My wife and kid, they-they
just left for her mum's
and looks like it might be
the start of a whole...
a "trial separation" period.
What is-- What are we--
What is this?
-What are we doing?
-Oh, no, nothing.
And, uh, then my boss
went and fired me.
Wow, that is "tough."
Yeah, that's not really
how it w-works.
Okay, well, I like it,
and I've been in a box
for 2,000 years,
so I'm just gonna keep that one.
-Sure, okay.
-So, about your
sleazeball "boss," um,
do you want me to k*ll him?
I'm kind of a sword
and slice gal.
I just get in... (grunts)
get it done.
Um...
I will go with no.
-Oh.
-I mean, thank you.
Okay, that's too bad
'cause I'm...
It's kind of like my specialty,
-if you know what I mean.
-Sure.
Okay. Hit me with it.
What do you want?
My three big wishes
would be to-to get my child
to love me again,
to get my wife to love me again,
and for us all to be happy.
Oh. Okay, uh,
it doesn't work like that.
Uh, wishes can't change
people's feelings,
but, yeah, that's
just kind of one of
the big rules. It's like a no.
Okay, um... Right.
-We've-- That's a problem.
-Yeah.
Can I just ask, time travel,
can we do that?
'Cause that could solve
everything.
Or is that not...
That's a "no can do."
No time travel. That's crucial.
You would just destroy
the history of the world.
I don't know,
maybe we can figure out
some kind of plan
that would "encourage
your wife and child"
to start to feel differently
about you. Right?
Yeah, good. Good.
-You're right.
-Yeah.
-It's time for action.
-O-Oh, great.
-It's time for action.
-Oh.
-I like this.
-I-I wi-- Oh, by the way,
-my name's Bernard.
-Oh, Bernard.
-Yeah, Bernard Bottle.
-Bernard. Oh, Bernard.
Bernard. Bernard Bottle.
Maybe you ever--
You ever just go by "Nardo"?
Uh... uh, I don't
-personally, no.
-No? Okay, think about it.
Uh, Flora Gwendolen Locheed,
uh, Firepit McAllister.
-Oh, beautiful name.
-Yeah. Oh, well, thank you.
So nice to meet you.
It's so nice to meet you, too.
-Yeah. Okay. (chuckles)
-Yes.
-That's good. Thank you.
-Oh, is that good? Okay.
-Oh, got it. And then it stops.
-Thank you. Uh, yeah.
-That's it.
-Got it.
But I-I wish... I wish
we were at my
mother-in-law's house.
I can do that.
(grunts, groans)
-(laughter inside)
-Okay. Yeah, that's--
-It's a bit of a doozy.
-(sighs) Yeah.
All right, take a...
(inhales deeply)
-No, I'm good, I'm good.
-Okay, okay.
-I'm good.
-All right.
(whispers): Oh, there she is.
(indistinct chatter)
Okay, okay. What's the plan?
What're we gonna do?
I-I don't know. I'm winging it.
Maybe this was a bad idea.
-May-Maybe.
-Was it?
It's better to have a plan
than not a plan.
Okay, but you know what?
We're here now.
So, let-let's
do something, okay?
-Right?
-Okay.
We're going back to,
you know, back in my day...
-Right.
-...when a man or a woman
was trying to woo,
you know, someone, suitor,
-whatever you want to call it...
-Sure.
Mating dance.
You want to keep
-this counterclockwise...
-Okay.
...and this clockwise.
Don't ever
sync them up together.
BERNARD:
I don't know if I-I can do that.
Is that...?
-Okay.
-Oh, God, no, she saw me.
-She saw me.
-It's good.
-You can talk to her.
-Ah. What am I gonna say?
-Can't we just vanish?
-(door opens)
Bernard?
W-What are you doing here?
Hi. Um...
I-- You know what?
I-I-I was just passing through,
and I thought
I'd-I'd just check to see if
-you got here okay. (chuckles)
-(door closes)
Who-who is this?
-Flora.
-Um...
This is F-Flora, yes.
-She's-she's a-a friend...
-Yup.
...from work.
Yeah, it's nice
to meet you, ma'am.
Um, you know, we-- Uh...
I do work with Nardo.
You know, we go to
the workplace together,
and we-we do work things in our,
in our work location.
BERNARD:
You know what the funny thing--
The reason why
you look so awesome is--
You just went to a Renaissance
fair, didn't you?
Didn't you?
-Didn't I?
-Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Look, Bernard, I don't know...
what you're up to,
but I-I think
you should go home.
-Too much. Too weird. Get--
-Yeah.
Go sleep it off.
So nice meeting you.
It's-- Uh,
I-I like your sweater.
(door closes)
I think that went well.
(clicks tongue)
I wish we were back at my place.
FLORA:
Think, Nardo.
What is the way
to get to a woman's heart?
Uh, love, kindness,
consideration,
offering to do the washing up...
Okay. A-All of that's lovely,
but, also,
a massive sack full of gifts
is really good, too.
Okay. We can crack this.
Uh, are there any markets
near here?
Yeah. I mean, sure, a few.
I mean, this town's
pretty famous for its shopping.
Oh, we're in a town?
Yeah, quite a big one. New York.
Oh, a new town.
Well, la-di-da-di.
But, um, for now,
why don't we get some food?
You must be pretty hungry
after a couple of thousand years
in a small box.
Uh, you can say that again.
Well, uh, uh, I wish we had
a large pizza
from John's on Bleecker,
extra pepperoni, extra cheese.
Ooh!
Hmm.
-BERNARD: Ta-da.
-FLORA: Huh.
Hmm.
I mean, I-I don't want
to hurt your feelings, but, um,
it just seems like things
maybe were a little bit better
back in my day.
We would wolf down,
like, a whole fresh deer,
or snatch a salmon
right out of the stream
with our bare hands
and just, ah.
You know, this is, what?
Okay.
This is just a triangle
of red bread.
Well, yeah, I-I mean,
I get what you're saying,
but why don't you just
give it a try?
-Really?
-Yeah, give it a go.
(sniffs)
-Mmm.
-Huh?
-Wait a minute.
-Yeah?
Wait an ever-loving minute!
This is heaven.
See? Some new things
are pretty cool.
Uh, uh, this.
-This is gonna blow your mind.
-Okay. (chuckles)
Whoa. Uh,
that's not what I meant.
Eh, that's not
really what it's for.
It's not as good.
Really? Um, no.
Just, uh, pick a song.
Hit something.
That's not what I meant.
Maybe a bit more gentle.
Oh. What is it? Oh, "Spotifee."
BERNARD: We call it Spotify.
Okay, just one.
(whispers):
Gentle, gentle, gentle.
-One line. Yeah.
-(normal voice): Oh, just one.
("O mio babbino caro" playing)
Something wrong?
No, something
is incredibly right.
My-my ears were made
to hear this music.
I mean... my wh-- my whole soul
is... (stammers) soaring.
Like a, like a flock
of flamingos.
This new music is incredible.
Yeah, actually, the music
isn't particularly new.
It's actually pretty old.
Why don't you try again?
Collipark, Bubba Sparxxx
Booty, booty,
booty, booty...
(chuckles)
Booty, booty, booty, booty
Rockin' everywhere
Booty, booty, booty, booty,
rockin' everywhere...
(grunting) Hey, hey.
Oh, yeah! This is even better.
(laughs) Whoo!
For 'bout a month or two
Put a tan on it then see
What it do, I found you,
Ms. New Booty...
Hey, can you,
can you not, please?
Hmm, no?
(grunting)
For 'bout a month or two
Put a tan on it,
then see what it do
Get it ripe, get it right,
hit it tight.
God, he must be
so lonely already.
Don't panic.
Look, silence and solitude
will make him realize
what's really important
in this life.
("March of the Crabs"
by Anvil playing)
-Oh! Ah!
-Man, I don't think
you get how good this music is.
I mean, back in my day,
it was all, like,
bagpipes and
hollowed out gourds.
Yeah, sure, sure. Maybe we could
continue this conversation
in the other room?
-You got it, Nardo. Great chair.
-Great.
Okay, sure. Do you want to
close... the door?
(horns honking)
I mean, wowzers!
This place is big
and tall and-and busy.
-Yeah, it certainly is.
-Whew.
All right. Let's get to work.
Yeah, um, just first,
I just wonder,
maybe, should we, should we
do something about your clothes?
-(bells jingle)
-What?
I mean, I can't get
more stylish than this.
I just thought maybe
you might want to
blend in a little better.
Well, you got to do the thing.
Oh, sorry. (chuckles) Uh, I...
I wish you would
blend in a bit better.
All right. Uh, let's see.
(indistinct chatter)
Who do I-- Ooh.
Well, they're k*lling it.
Uh...
I mean, can you even see me?
This is like, I'm blending.
You know what?
I would, I would keep going.
Uh, okay. All right.
Uh, no, no, no. Oh. (gasps)
She's perfection.
I mean, this feels right. Right?
Uh...
(stammers) You know,
m-maybe third time's the charm?
You're very picky, Nardo.
Very picky. Okay.
Uh, let's see. Uh...
How about eeny, meeny,
miny, both.
I mean, now we're talking.
Am I right?
(sighs) Yeah, uh...
Yeah, I guess that--
It sort of works.
Sort of works? I look fantastic.
Come on. We got to get back
on task. Let's shop.
You know what?
We can start here.
Okay.
-Welcome to Bloomingdale's.
-Oh.
-How you doing today?
-Good.
Enjoy your shopping.
I wish we had
an all-expenses-paid
shopping spree.
Oh. Okay.
BERNARD:
Ooh. (chuckles)
FLORA:
Oh, this is amazing.
I've never seen
anything like it.
Oh, wait, look.
(gasps) What do you call it?
-Oh, sanitizer.
-Sanitizer.
Mmm, it's zesty.
-No, it's...
-Mmm.
-No.
-Oh.
FLORA:
Nardo, look what I found.
Huh? I don't know what it is,
but it's really fun.
I think Julie might love it.
Look, and...
Okay. Sorry. She's new in town.
What is this? That's so pretty.
-It's beautiful.
-(whooshing)
Your presence is my present.
(laughs) Get it?
-You need to stop. (laughing)
-FLORA: Wait, wait.
Oh. (laughs)
It's hard to run in these.
Pretty good haul, huh?
-You think so?
-Yeah.
I think Julie and Eve
are gonna be pretty excited.
Well, I hope they are.
-Oh, my God.
-What? What?
I had just hoped that
by now that this
kind of t*rture had stopped.
This is a gym.
They-they actually pay
to do these things.
(scoffs) Yeah. Okay, good one.
I will avenge thee!
Okay, you need
to stop that. Sorry.
I will avenge thee!
-Sorry.
-(sighs)
SANTA: And what would you like
for Christmas this year?
Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Why-why are all these people
standing in line
to see Mr. Beardie?
Ooh, is he like the king
or an emperor or something?
BERNARD:
Uh, no, it's actually,
it's just
the whole Christmas thing.
Basically,
the guy with the beard,
he flies around with
a bunch of reindeer.
-Okay.
-Uh, he goes down the chimney
and puts these presents
in these huge stockings that
kids hang along the fireplace.
Kind of amazing
'cause you had a hard time
believing in genies,
but, uh, okay.
BOY: I want a car
and a rocket launcher.
Here is your pencil. (chuckles)
Christmas is also the time kids
learn all about disappointment.
Yeah, m... Ugh.
-Here you go, sir.
-Oh, thank you.
Enjoy.
Excuse me, Bernard.
You, sir, are an artist.
-Thank you.
-Wow.
-(chuckles) Thanks. All right.
-Wow, wow, wow.
Okay, so tell me about this
whole Christmas thing of yours.
Oh. Uh, well, it-it's
become really commercial,
but... originally,
it was meant to celebrate
the birth of this guy. He was,
he was called Jesus Christ.
Wait, what? Jesus? Are you
talking about Mary's kid?
Yeah.
What? I knew him.
What did he do to get so famous?
You... (chuckles) Wow. Okay, uh,
well, he turned out to be
the Son of God.
(gasps) Oh, no,
I thought he was kidding.
Wait, what?
You-you actually met him?
Yeah. Oh, my-- yeah, last time
I was out of the box.
This is amazing, like...
What? I mean,
okay, what was,
what was he like?
What was Jesus like?
You know, he's Jesus.
He's just kind of like, "Hey."
But financially under-ambitious,
to tell you the truth.
I mean, I did say to him once,
I'm like, "With your talents,
"I mean water,
kaboom, into wine,
conjuring fish out of thin air."
I said, "Big J, we should open
a restaurant together."
You know, we could call it,
like, "Something Fishy"
or "Oh, My Cod."
Goody Two-shoes didn't want
anything to do with that.
Hey, well, I mean, to Big J.
-To Big J.
-Hmm.
Okay, how about this,
how about this, um...
Oh, I wish we could go back
to Santa's Grotto.
You got it.
Hello. Merry Christmas.
BERNARD:
Okay, so, um, I wish that
all these kids got
everything they wanted.
Ooh, he thinks
he's gonna get a pencil.
He is so not just gonna
get a pencil.
Oh, yeah,
candles burnin' low
-Lots of mistletoe
-(laughs) There you go.
-SANTA: Merry Christmas!
-Choirs singin' carols
-Right outside my door
-(Bernard laughing)
All these things and more...
Whoo! Ride him! There you go.
Her parents are
around somewhere, right?
Uh, what is all of this?
Uh, it's how
all these different companies
get you to buy their thing.
Well, how about we do
something about that, Nardo?
Get wishing.
I see your smilin' face
Like I've never seen before
Even though I love you madly
It seems I love you more
All these things and more...
Hey, should we change
that sign, too?
Uh, no, that's actually,
um, a cinema.
-Wait, do you want
to see a movie? -Yes.
I have no idea
what a movie is, but, uh,
I would really like
to see one, I think.
-(dramatic music playing)
-(panting)
Ooh, he's fast.
-Yeah.
-He's very, very fast.
Don't do the jump.
Don't do the jumping!
No, no, no.
This mission is impossible!
-It's in the title!
-(moviegoer shushing)
What is the name
of that hero guy?
-Oh, uh, Tom Cruise.
-Tom Cruise.
-Yeah.
-I mean, he's huge.
He's the biggest human being
I've ever seen.
Where-where do giants
like Tom Cruise live?
-Uh, in Los Angeles mainly.
-Los Angeles mainly.
I mean, I'm never going there,
because I think
he would take that enormous foot
and just crunch me with it.
Or, I don't know,
maybe I should go because
what if he uses those enormous
juicy lips to kiss me?
I really wouldn't worry
about it. I mean, Tom,
Tom Cruise is definitely
just normal size.
Like, in fact,
everything's normal sized.
It's just the movies
that make them look big.
-Ah.
-(door opens)
That's fine.
Ho, ho. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hi.
Hi. I don't think
we've been introduced.
-I'm Lenny.
-Oh.
-Oh, yeah, this is, um--
-Flora.
Pleasure, really.
I mean, I-I love this.
It's, uh...
I love a man in a uniform.
Thank you.
-Uh, she's my...
-FLORA: I-I got it.
An old friend. You know,
just in from out of town.
Spending a few days just to help
this one get out of the pickle
he got himself into with Julie.
Good, I'm glad
someone's doing that,
and I think it's working.
I haven't seen him glowing
like this in a, in a bit.
-Well... -You know, I try
my best, but I don't think,
uh, I don't-- I rarely glow.
-I think I-- I'm a little
rough, little rough. -Oh.
I mean, I-I like things
rough around the edges.
(chuckles)
-Do you?
-If you know what I mean?
-You old green eyes--
-Mm-hmm.
-Oh, hazel.
-Hazel is right.
And you get what I'm saying?
Yeah, I think everyone gets
what you're saying, so...
-(chuckles)
-What's that?
Uh, uh, yeah.
(whispering): I think he
has to go to the bathroom.
-Uh... -LENNY: You have a key.
Don't you have a key?
-I don't need to go. -FLORA: Do
you have to go to the bathroom?
Yeah, I do have--
Good seeing you, Lenny. Bye.
Okay, Bernie. Flora?
Di-- Do-- Have we met?
Like, back in the day?
Did we...?
It would've been
way back in the day.
-Way, way back.
-Key West. Key West?
FLORA:
Maybe.
We should go.
I'm almost ready.
BERNARD:
Okay.
-Ooh. That's nice.
-(toilet flushes)
Refreshing.
(exhales)
Let's do this.
(chuckles)
How'd you want to get there?
-Do you want one
of those car things? -Yeah.
Okay, what kind?
Just something subtle,
sensible.
(engine revving)
Do you think we've got
enough presents?
I-I think we would have had
to have gotten
a second car to get any more.
Right, right?
What about this little guy?
All right, let's see what
this thing can do.
Okay. Okay, you ready?
FLORA: All right, let's get
Julie and Eve back!
Don't mess around
with those silly toys...
(whispers): Are you sure
I'm invisible?
Yes, I'm sure. Can-can you
stop switching sides, please?
(indistinct chatter)
FLORA:
Oh, she's cute.
She's definitely cute.
(squeals)
JULIE:
How was the story today?
-It was good.
-Good?
Wait, Dad?
-Hey, how are you?
-(grunts) Good.
-Hey.
-Hey. (sighs)
How are you do--? Oh.
I'm so sorry about
the other night, you know?
Yeah, very weird.
What's up?
Uh, I-I've just...
I've been wanting you
to know that I-I-I can be there.
You know, even when I'm not
meant to be there, so that,
you know, when I am meant
to be there, you know,
I'll definitely be-- be there.
I know this can't be easy.
It's not easy for either of us.
Um...
Dad, do you want
to get ice cream?
Do I...?
-Um...
-Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, why not?
I wish the place had cherry.
That's my favorite flavor.
The-- You know what? I wis--
(coughs) I wish that, too.
-Uh, should we go? Yeah?
-Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, you don't happen
to have cherry, do you?
Yeah, actually, it just came in.
Well, look, it's so good to see
the two of you. (chuckles)
Oh, and don't let me forget--
before I go,
I've got-- I-I've got
one or two things in the car
that I'd really love
to give you.
JOHNNY:
Hey.
-Sorry, we're late, guys.
-Oh. (chuckles)
Oh. Uh, Bernie,
uh, you remember Johnny?
We grew up together.
This is his daughter Emma.
Uh, they live next to my mom.
I'm sorry.
I should've mentioned that
they were coming to meet us.
No, no, it's good.
-Yeah.
-Nice to finally meet ya.
Yeah.
It's been so lucky
having them next door.
I mean, as you can see,
the girls are two peas in a pod.
-(chuckles)
-Great.
Great.
(inhales)
That's great.
Who's ready to go see a movie?
-We are! We are! We are!
-(laughs)
Okay, well,
we should probably go
-if we're gonna make it.
-JOHNNY: Yeah.
Can we do the stuff in the car
another time?
Sure.
Yeah, sure. Sure, that's... fab.
Okay.
Okay.
-Bye, Dad.
-Yeah.
I'll see you later, darling.
-Have a good time, yeah?
-Yeah. (chuckles)
(Emma and Eve chattering)
What if I bring Eve by
on Saturday?
For a night with you.
I mean, uh...
-Yeah, I would love that.
-Yeah?
Absolutely. Yeah. That's a...
-great plan.
-All right.
Let's do it.
-Bye, Bernie.
It was a pleasure, man. -Yeah.
-Real pleasure.
-Yeah. Nice to...
nice to meet you...
(inhales)
Johnny.
Uh, hold up for me, guys.
-(screams)
-(gasping)
-EMMA: Dad, are you okay?
-JOHNNY: (groans) Yeah!
-Are you okay?
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Whew, I'm good.
-Okay.
-(whooshing)
-(Flora chuckles)
-(laughing)
-JOHNNY: No, I'm good. I'm good.
Ah, it gets me every time.
I can't believe it.
How did I end up
fifth-wheeling my own family?
This is a disaster.
Here's a question-- and
there's no wrong answer-- but...
would you maybe feel better
if you would wish,
you know, for Johnny to kinda...
(mimics choking)
So easy to do it.
It's actually easier to do it
than not to do it.
Without that girl of mine,
oh!
Christmas
just ain't Christmas
Without the one you love
Hello, gorgeous.
Hello, handsome.
Do you think you and I could...
Yep.
Yeah?
Hi, Bernie.
(Flora sighs deeply)
So, Lenny's interesting.
I mean, that's a face
that has seen some fun, right?
Yeah. Well,
he's definitely single,
I can tell you that much.
I hope you like cats, 'cause
he's got a fair few of them.
Oh, I love cats.
They're delicious.
(chuckles softly)
(groans) This Julie and Eve
thing's not gonna be easy.
Stop right there, buster.
Okay, Rome was not,
as you know, built in a day.
It took 12.
We have all night
to just sit
and come up with a plan,
what's our next move.
We've got this.
(doorbell rings)
Are you expecting someone?
No, no.
(exhales)
-(chuckles): Hey! My boy!
-(laughing)
Hi!
-Everyone. -(clattering)
-Hey, Julie!
(gasps)
Ooh, is that my baby, Eve?
Come give Grandma kisses!
I-I wish y-you could meet...
the caterer
-I got in for the evening.
-Oh.
And you can. Hi, I'm Flora.
-Hi.
-No, please don't.
-Hi. -Yeah. (sniffs)
-Oh. Sorry.
-Come in. Do come in.
-What?
-(Bernard's father laughs)
-Good to see you. -Okay.
Hi, Mum.
The caterer?
(mutters)
-You have a caterer?
-Well, I just thought I'd...
-Starving, so this works out.
-Hey.
(laughter in distance)
How did you forget that your
entire family was coming over?
Yeah, I mean, there's-there's
been a lot of distractions
-in the last couple days.
-That's fair.
Okay, what do you need me to do?
Uh, okay, I wish
there was a complete meal
with all the trimmings
right here in this kitchen.
-That's pretty good!
-Yeah? Okay.
This is gonna be so fun.
I bet your family's great.
And then Paul looks directly
at me and says,
"David,
I actually am an accountant."
(laughs)
Imagine, we had quite a laugh
about that.
(laughing)
Why?
(Flora chuckles)
BERNARD'S MOTHER:
I'm still a little confused.
Where are Eve and Julie?
-DIANA: Great question.
-Yeah. (chuckles) Right. Um...
We're-we're actually on a...
(inhales deeply)
bit of a break at the moment.
-(whistles) -A break. What-what
does that mean, a break?
-Well, l-let me explain.
-BERNARD'S MOTHER: Bernie,
-you've got to work
on a marriage. -I know.
Yeah, you can say that again.
Excuse me.
See? See, this is why
I never took the plunge.
You know? Some stallions,
they just need to roam free.
MARVIN: Bernard, hey, look, man,
if you ever want to talk,
mano y mano,
I'm here for you, bud.
DIANA: Yeah, you're not using
that correctly.
MARVIN:
Actually, I'm pretty sure I am.
'Cause it's man friend
to man friend.
Who's ready for dead bird?
Huh?
That is a strange bunch.
I mean, you're telling me?
(chatter in distance)
I-I j-- I just wish
I could find a way
to make them happy, you know?
Wait a minute.
Okay. I have a fantastic plan.
Risky...
but I think fantastic.
All right, guys,
just l-listen up.
I've-I've got something
I'd-I'd love to tell you.
It's about me and Flora.
Mm. See? Told you.
He's already got
a new girlfriend.
No, it's-- it is--
it's nothing to do with that.
It's-it's-it's...
Uh, um...
How do I say this?
Um, Flora, she's a genie.
-(chuckling)
-A what?
-BERNARD: Don't laugh.
-(laughing) -What?
-What? What? -BERNARD:
She can make wishes come true.
-Yeah.
-As you all know,
it's only three wishes.
Absolutely only three,
-but, yeah, that's, uh...
-Yeah. Three.
-Yeah.
-That's my Christmas gift to...
each one of you. Three wishes.
Pretty good gift, right?
-(Bernard chuckles)
-PETE: Okay,
-okay, he's lost his mind.
Julie's left him... -What?
...and he's lost his mind.
I mean,
you all thought I was the one
who was gonna go off the rails.
But, no, perfect Bernard...
Don't do that. Okay, it's true.
For example,
Mar-Marvin, you just...
you just had to wear
that Harvard sweatshirt,
again, even though
we all know Diana hates it.
-Because he didn't go
to Harvard. -(chuckling)
-Why wear it? -(groans)
-BERNARD: I wish
Marvin was wearing something
Diana actually liked.
-(others gasping)
-(coughs)
(gasping)
And I wish Dad could be
more like the man
Mum fell in love with.
-(yelps)
-(gasping)
-DIANA: Oh.
-(chuckles): Whoa.
-BERNARD'S MOTHER: Oh, my God.
-BERNARD: And...
I wish Pete would stop referring
to himself
as a "lone wolf" and just
sign up for all the dating apps.
-(phone vibrating)
-(chuckling)
-(gasps)
-BERNARD: There you go.
There's my three.
Proof is in the genie pudding.
Am I right?
I wish
I had my old husband back.
BERNARD'S FATHER:
Oh, God.
I actually have
three big ones planned.
First, I wish
for my own whole set
of Honma titanium golf clubs.
-(others gasping)
-Oh!
(stammers) You don't--
you don't even really like golf.
You just like wearing
your weird wicking fabric shirts
and drinking in the clubhouse.
Baby, I wish
you would stop talking
and just let me get on
with this.
Uh, uh...
(others sighing, gasping)
Does that mean Diana's never
gonna be able to talk again?
Unless Marvin
was to wish for her
not to be able
to not talk anymore.
Oh, come on.
Dude!
Uh...
MARVIN:
Okay.
Yeah, whatever.
I, like, wish that...
Diana could talk again.
(exhales sharply)
-Huh.
-(others gasping)
Well, thanks, babe.
Marvin, I wish
you would just go to hell.
-(gasping)
-Oh...
Okay, please stop!
Is anybody gonna wish
Marvin back from hell?
Damn it.
Fine.
(sighs)
I guess...
I guess I wish
he'd come back from hell.
-(yells, coughs)
-(others gasping)
-BERNARD'S MOTHER: Oh, my God!
-(mutters)
What was it like?
Uh, I think it's pretty obvious.
Very hot down there.
-Mm. -And how does
the devil look like?
W-Well, he kind of looked like
Ricky Gervais.
-(chuckling)
-BERNARD: All right, stop.
You're a family.
You're my family.
This is our one real chance
for happiness.
Please,
just... focus.
-Yeah.
-BERNARD'S MOTHER: Actually,
Bernard,
I just wish
this whole thing was over.
Done.
(sighs)
Oh.
Oh, wowzers.
(groans)
I mean, in all my years,
I have never seen
anyone use the wishes worse.
Yeah.
(horn honking in distance)
I mean,
we've got to be so careful.
All my family could
literally have gone to hell.
One of 'em did.
Yeah.
Okay. It's WWTCD time.
What's that?
"What would Tom Cruise do?"
-(chuckles)
-(chuckles) Because Operation
Bring Julie and Eve Back Home
is not Mission: Impossible.
What is it?
What?
It's Wishing: Impossible.
(mimics cheering)
You know, I think
we should start with, like,
kind of sprucing up the place
for Julie.
You know?
Which means probably getting...
rid of quite a few of
these old, dusty Nardo trinkets.
This is our first fix.
(exhales)
You know what? You're right.
She actually always hated
this thing.
-Yeah.
-Yeah. I can't imagine why.
Is it your shirt?
Uh, no, it's not mine.
It's actually--
He was a famous footballer.
Do you have his underpants
or trousers?
-(chuckles)
-It's not a crazy question.
Yeah, no,
I don't have his pants.
So does anybody else have
your shirt
or maybe, maybe your underpants
under glass in their house?
Well, not yet, but...
Okay. All right.
Think we should swap it
for something
maybe, maybe
that Julie would enjoy.
What?
Let's swap it for something
-deeply respectful. You know?
-Oh, okay. All right.
Um... (inhales)
Go on. Make it the Mona Lisa.
I mean,
she could have smiled, right?
N-No, no, no. That's really--
that's very much the point.
Ah.
Okay. Well, I don't know.
I think
we're off to a good start.
All right.
That's what I'm talking about.
-Well done!
-Oh, thank you.
I mean, look at this, right?
I think Julie's gonna love it.
But you see? Everything's
gonna be perfect again.
And you're gonna be back
with Julie and Eve, and I'm...
you know, I'm-I'm g--
I'm gonna be...
-(inhales)
-What?
Uh, nothing. You know?
I'll-I'll be around.
You know? Doing my thang.
-(chuckles) -Which, of course,
is doing your thang...
for you.
Which is great.
Okay, put a-- put a fork in me,
I'm done.
Uh, that's-- I don't want you
to put a fork in me.
-I'm just tired.
-Okay.
Okay. All right, good night.
-Night. Night, Flora.
-Uh-huh.
(marker scribbling)
(sighs softly)
(footsteps approaching)
(gasps)
Mon Dieu.
-(alarm blaring)
-Mon Dieu.
(sirens wailing)
(indistinct police chatter)
(doorbell rings)
Hey, Dad.
Hey, child.
(grunts)
Child's mother.
Exactly on time.
Punctuality. Very important
for relationships.
Right. I know that, now.
I'll see you tomorrow, baby.
Have fun.
Um, you'll bring her back?
Yeah, of course.
I'll see you then.
-All right. Bye.
-Bye.
I've got someone
I want you to meet.
Hi, Eve.
So, this is, um, Miss Flora.
She's gonna be
staying with us for a bit.
And if you need anything,
just-just let me know,
because, you know,
your wish is my command.
Indirectly.
-Okay. Young lady?
-Yep.
I think I might have
a couple of things
that might meet
with your approval.
(giggles)
Why don't you have a look
in your bedroom?
(quietly):
Is it a dollhouse?
It's definitely a dollhouse!
(chuckles)
(gasps)
Why?
-Why are you--
-I'm sorry. I got very excited.
(Eve screams)
-Yeah?
-(squeals)
Yes! (chuckles)
Yes, you like it?
-(chuckles) I love it!
-Go on. Go on and look.
Look at that.
It's good.
Let's go to the bath.
Okay.
The trick is to be
as precise as possible.
-You see?
-Wow.
Merry Christmas, baby...
The dollhouse is awesome.
Thanks, Dad.
Are you happy?
Yeah.
Oh, uh, Eve, Eve.
I'd love to see it if you want
to show me around a bit more?
I'd love that.
Let's do it. Okay?
All right.
You've got this, right?
Yeah. I got it.
Precision?
You surely treat me nice
(inhales)
-(box shatters)
-Oh.
Love you, baby,
the rest of my life
Merry Christmas, baby...
So, a running race?
Yep.
-Like an actual running race?
-Yes, you run.
It's just, I'm so obviously
gonna beat you.
I'm a fully grown man
with long legs
and you're a small girl
in old-fashioned shoes.
Yeah.
-Race you to the big tree!
-Hey!
Hey, that's cheating!
Being clever is not cheating!
Uh...
do you use it for something?
Yes.
Does it breathe?
I'm reading this book about,
about parallel universes
and time travel
-and dimensional portals.
-Yes.
-Right? You know about th--
-Yeah.
-Have you heard about it?
-I-- Well, yes.
Uh, there's a high likelihood
that there's another version
of me that might be a,
like an equestrian trainer or,
or a chef.
Hmm, I would say it's--
You're definitely
somewhere else on a horse.
-Hmm? Okay.
-(laughs)
-(door opens)
-(Eve laughs)
Ah.
Here comes trouble.
Hey, Flora. Hey, Lenny.
Hey, nice to have you back,
kiddo.
Your dad's kind of boring
on his own.
EVE:
No way.
He used to be a selfish bastard,
but now he's great.
-Oh... (chuckles)
-Oh. Wow.
-Bye, Lenny.
-Bye.
-Here she is, in one piece.
-(chuckles)
-Hi, Grandma.
-Hey, sweetheart.
-(chuckles)
-Hey.
Did you have a good time?
-Really great.
-Oh, good.
Thanks, Bernie.
That's wonderful.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
-(quietly): It's Julie.
-What? (gasps)
-Let me hear.
-No, no, no, no.
No, that, that,
that would be great. Um...
Oh, Friday night here, 7:00?
No, that's-that's,
um, that's perfect.
Just the three of us?
Yeah, that's,
that's, that's great.
Okay, um, yeah,
I'll see you then.
Okay, bye.
What just happened?
Yeah, she, uh, she wants
to come over Friday night.
You are back in business.
Right?
You are back in what?
-Business.
-That's right.
Okay. Do me a favor.
Let me handle dinner,
'cause romance is
kind of my thing.
-Romance is your thing?
-Yeah.
Okay, well,
I-I wish you would do that.
-Okay.
-Thank you, my friend.
Okay, this is it.
We are gonna do this, all right?
We are in it, and Julie's about
to find herself on the road
to Ro-Nardomance.
Nardomance. Buh-buh.
Just kiss me once
and kiss me twice
Then kiss me once again
It's been a long, long time
(doorbell rings)
Haven't felt like this...
EVE:
Hi, Dad!
-Come on. Come in.
-(chuckles) Go.
All she's been talking about
is that dollhouse.
Yeah, I bet.
Wow.
You weren't kidding...
(chuckles)
when you said
you spruced up the place.
Yeah, well, I know you always
wanted a bit of a refresh.
-So...
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, so this is the dollhouse.
-BERNARD: Do you like it?
Okay, well...
It's amazing.
-BERNARD: Okay.
-JULIE: Wow.
That was really delicious.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
All right, well, here you go.
Oh. Okay.
Why not?
When did you learn
how to make martinis?
-Ah, cheers to you.
-Cheers.
(fireworks booming in distance)
Oh, my God.
(gasps)
Look at that.
(chuckling):
Fireworks.
How lucky are we?
Wow.
Look at that.
That is actually pretty magical.
Yeah.
Without you
So kiss me once,
then kiss me twice
Then kiss me once again
It's been a long time,
oh, yeah.
Hey, I, um...
I-- Can we actually
just talk about something?
Uh, yeah.
Look, Bernie, I...
(sighs)
I know that this has been a...
(sighs deeply)
really tough time
and I just, um...
And I know that it's only been
a couple weeks,
but I-I think it might be
worth thinking
about how this all
might work long-term.
Long-term?
Look, I don't mean forever.
(stammers) Look, I don't,
I don't know
what's gonna happen,
I just--
Like, longer-term.
Like now.
You know, f-for instance,
I was thinking that maybe
you could take Eve
on the 23rd and the 24th?
Uh, uh, you mean,
a-actual Christmas Eve.
Yeah.
Yeah, it... seems
as though magically, um,
us taking time apart
has been the making of you two.
I mean, that's good news.
Though, sort of cloaked in bad.
Bernard, you're a good man.
Thank you for dinner.
Bye, Dad.
See you tomorrow, darling.
(exhales sharply)
Sorry.
-I'm sorry, that was tough.
-Yeah, I know.
But the Eve news,
that's great, so...
You know, I really thought
the fireworks
were gonna work better.
Yeah, the fireworks
were pretty epic actually.
I mean, I-I thought
you had some other stuff?
Yeah, I did, but then Julie
kind of left
before I hit my stride.
Ta-da!
I mean, not too shabby, right?
BERNARD:
Is that a bear?
It used to be.
And a fire?
We don't have a chimney.
I'm a genie.
Right.
Ooh, I should let the band go.
The band?
-Hey, guys, I--
-DRUMMER: Okay, here we go.
One, two, three, four.
(drumming loudly)
(both sigh)
(doorbell rings)
(knock at door)
(gasps)
What?
-What?
-(quietly): It's Julie.
No.
FLORA:
It's Julie.
She went all the way downstairs
and she started thinking
about your Nardoness,
then she came all the way back
upstairs for-for this.
-Let's just...
-Do you think? Look--
-Ow! Don't do that.
-Yeah. Okay.
It's just good energy for ya.
-Okay.
-Yeah?
Oh, I should not be here.
-Okay, you know what?
-You, you--
I've got a date
with Tom Cruise tonight, so.
Okay, good.
Um, well, hey,
I wi-- I wish you were
at that cinema.
(quietly):
Thanks, Nardo. Good luck.
Kiss me twice
Kiss me once again
It's been a long time
-(knocking)
-Oh, yeah.
Bernard, there's smoke coming
through the vents.
Everything okay in there?
(grunts)
Oh.
Ah, Flora.
-Here we go!
-ANNOUNCER: And now,
for your feature presentation.
Here we go, here we go.
Here we go. Woo-hoo!
(sirens wailing)
Buddy, you're lucky
we got here in time.
What are you doing with
an open fire in there anyways?
That's completely illegal.
Hey, Ricky. The Mona Lisa.
It's missing, ain't it?
RICKY:
Yeah.
I-Is it?
-Yeah.
-It's right there.
I wish I could swap
the jersey back.
Give it to me,
Mr. Thomas Cruise Control.
(chuckles)
CRUISE:
Come on, lock up, baby.
(sighs)
You okay, buddy?
(siren chirps)
LENNY:
Wow, Bernie.
Been a busy night, huh?
Yeah, it sure has.
Hey, we'll get you out, buddy.
-Stay strong.
-(door closes)
(camera clicking)
(busy chatter in distance)
(button clicks)
Okay, kid.
The good news is that
it's gonna take a bit
to extradite you to France,
so...
you'll be here in a nice, warm
American cell over Christmas.
-Mm-hmm.
-It's not very good news.
I mean, if... (sighs)
if I miss Christmas,
my life is over.
Missing Christmas is the least
of your problems, buddy.
Do you know anything about
the French penal system?
Uh, n-no.
Think Texas Chainsaw m*ssacre
where everyone is dressed
like Inspector Clouseau.
-This can't be happening.
-It's happening,
but the solution is
quite simple.
All you got to do...
Look at me, look at me.
(whispers):
Tell me the truth. Come on.
(inhales sharply)
Okay, okay.
Now we're talking.
Okay. Okay.
The-the truth is...
I had an accomplice.
(siren chirps)
Officer Pepper to the bullpen.
Wow. Look at these digs.
You do okay, don't you?
-(gasps) Is that the bad guy?
-What?
Nardo, I am here!
I am in the building!
(over P.A.):
Eagle has landed.
-Nardo, I am in the building.
-OFFICER: Ma'am. Ma'am.
-Please don't do that.
-Got it.
I thought that's
what it was there for.
So sor-- (gasps) Wha--
You guys both have g*ns.
I just have my dagger.
-What? No. Put your hands up!
-(groaning)
Oh, that's nice.
(camera clicking)
OFFICER:
Quit screwing around.
Take your hat off.
Okay. I'll do that.
Commencing interview.
-Is-is this for me?
-Okay.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome. (chuckles)
Name.
-Mine?
-Yes.
Oh, okay.
Hi, there, um,
Flora Gwendolen Locheed,
uh, Firepit McAllister Cruise.
Is that, is that a "Cruz"
with a "U-Z"?
-S-E.
-S-E.
-As in, as in Tom.
-Okay.
Date of birth.
Let's see, it's second day of
the Feast of Angus the Fierce.
-Yes. Second day. -But
what year of the second day?
-Oh, geez.
-I need a month. I need a year.
You know what?
I'm gonna say 2,152 years ago
is probably... (blows)
I think
that's pretty darn close.
Okay, we're gonna put down 1969
from the looks of it.
-Okay.
-Okay.
-What's your profession?
-How do I--
Well, okay, I guess
the honest answer would be...
I, you know, dabbled
in a little bit of
being a warrior/hunter-gatherer,
but now, really, I strictly
just, uh, I'm a genie.
Uh, what was the last part?
Uh, but now
I'm, uh, just a genie.
(quietly):
Okay.
You believe that you're a genie?
Well, I know I'm a genie.
-You know you're a genie?
-Yes, because I'm a genie.
Uh, so, what kind of
prescription dr*gs
are you on now?
Ooh.
I don't know.
What have you got?
What are you offering?
Okay, look, uh...
I'm gonna be honest with you.
I don't know if this is
some kind of bit you're doing,
you're crazy, or what, but...
I want to run with this
for a second.
-Okay?
-Okay.
So you are this magical genie.
-That's correct.
-So, if that's the case,
you have to know exactly
what you and your friend Bernard
are in for with prison.
Okay? You're gonna be stuck
in a little square box
for eternity.
No friends.
No family.
No freedom.
How does that sound to you?
Familiar.
(siren wailing in distance)
(Perez laughing nearby)
PEREZ:
Get ready, buddy boy.
December 23.
Guess where you're going?
JFK.
We're transferring you
and Ms. McAllister to France
immediately.
Goodbye. Arrivederci.
Adios. Salaam alaikum salaam.
Right, well, I-I guess we're
just gonna have to live
with the consequences
of our actions.
Right? Just-just two crooks
in the back of
a high-security van,
wishing they'd never got greedy.
You're funny, that's
what I like about you, Bernard.
Like, as if we're gonna put you
both in the same vehicle
for hours so you could get
your story straight.
What kind of idiots
do you think we are?
(softly):
Right.
Hey. Get him out.
Hmm.
(distant shouting)
Flora!
I wish we could swap back!
PEREZ: Oh, so now
you want to talk, huh?
Hey, hey.
-All right, come on.
-Flora, it's me, it's Bernie.
I wish we could swap back.
-I wish we could swap back.
-PEREZ: Hey, buddy, buddy.
(over P.A.): I wish we could
swap that painting back.
PEREZ:
Get him out of here.
(whooshing)
Seriously.
-You okay?
-Yeah, thanks.
PEREZ:
Wow.
(phone ringing)
-Yeah?
-DISPATCHER: Detective Perez,
we have the French.
-The French? Put 'em on.
-Yeah.
Bonjour.
(indistinct chatter over phone)
Bring me the painting!
It's not a painting, sir.
I know it's not a painting.
It's the painting.
The most valuable painting
in the world.
OFFICER: You're not gonna
like this, boss.
OFFICER 2:
It's a jersey.
I'm gonna have to k*ll someone.
(siren wailing in distance)
-That was close.
-Way too close.
We could've been fairly
and squarely screwed.
The wishing has to stop, right?
Well, yeah, maybe.
-Except...
-Except what?
Well, I mean,
except Julie and Eve
are gonna arrive at mine
any minute.
Okay, that's okay.
I mean, this is like
classic Flora and Nardo stuff,
right?
I mean, kicking names
and taking butts.
This is what we do.
-Uh...
-Okay.
So, yeah, they're nearly here,
so...
-Okay, okay. What do we do?
-So...
Oh, uh...
Just wondered if you could
maybe go invisible.
You know, just...
-Just-- Yeah.
-No, that's-- No, of course.
That's the right thing.
-Okay, good luck.
-Thank you.
(sighs)
Bye, Grandma.
-(chuckles)
-(door closes)
-Hey, hey, sweetie.
-Dad!
Ah. (grunts)
-How you doing? Yeah?
-Good.
-Hey.
-Hey, um, all right.
Well, I'll leave you to it.
-Thank you.
-Have a good time, you two.
-Yeah. Uh, you, too.
-Bye, Mom.
Yeah.
What you got in the bag, huh?
You look so cute in this jumper.
-Thank you.
-Where'd you get it?
Oh, Grandma got it for me.
BERNARD: Grandma got it for you.
Did you get me anything?
Mm. Sorry. (laughs)
(door opens)
(door closes)
This is the big chimney, right?
How many little chimneys
can you put there?
You have to make sure you don't
tell Mum that we've exclusively
been eating sugar
for the last 48 hours.
(chuckles) I won't.
I can keep a secret.
I never told Mom
about you smoking
when she was
at her high school reunion.
BERNARD and FLORA:
Oh!
Burn.
But you still kind of
keep things from me.
Me? What are you talking about?
I'm your dad.
I tell you everything.
Dad, all of a sudden,
there's a random lady
living in our house?
Oh, she's good. Real good.
Okay. Well, I mean,
the-the truth...
I mean, do you want to
do the honors?
You're the boss.
Yeah, of course.
I forget that sometimes.
Okay, I'm gonna tell her.
I'm gonna tell you.
-Listen, okay.
-Mm-hmm.
So, um...
Flora here, fabulous Flora...
-Oh, thank you.
-Thank you.
(light laughter)
She's a genie.
Ta-da.
Dad, I'm eight.
You got to come up
with something better than that.
-(chuckles): No, it's true.
-That's a tough cookie.
-Wow.
-She is. She really is.
So, Flora, you're a genie?
-I am.
-So, in that case,
you must have
a magic flying carpet.
-(Bernard chuckles)
-Funny you should mention that.
(indistinct chatter, laughter)
-Hey, should we have some fun?
-Yeah!
(whooping)
(indistinct shouting, whooping)
(whooping, laughter continue)
(indistinct shouting)
BERNARD:
Let's go, let's go!
(Eve laughing)
EVE:
Yeah!
FLORA: Oh, oh, oh,
look at this guy. Wait.
-Go home!
-(gasps)
-It's Christmas!
-Go home!
(laughter)
-EVE: Whoa!
-FLORA: Did you see his face?
(laughter)
-Ready to go to Grandma's?
-Mm-hmm.
BERNARD:
Thank you, Flora.
That was the best day
of her life.
So, you've done everything
for Julie and Eve.
I was just wondering
if there's maybe something
that you want for Christmas.
Well, you know what?
I-I did have
one or two little thoughts.
And finally,
a charming Christmas story.
This evening,
the Bowery Mission received
an unexpected donation
from Oliver Flaxman,
owner of New York's own
Flaxman's Auction House.
The check for $100 million
makes up
the entirety of
Flaxman's personal fortune,
and it will go towards
feeding and caring
for the unhoused this Christmas.
We go down to
Flaxman's Auctions now,
where a grateful crowd
has gathered.
Mr. Oliver Flaxman?
(chuckles)
-Uh, yes.
-What made you make
such an incredibly
generous gesture?
(chuckles nervously)
What gesture?
-Oh, my God. -REPORTER: Well,
the Bowery Mission just received
-a $100 million charity check
from you. -Oh, wait.
Which was just deposited
to help feed the unhoused
-this Christmas.
-(whimpers)
That's right.
Well, you've become a national
hero because of your generosity.
I have?
Could I, could I just have
a moment?
Absolutely.
-Yeah. (giggles)
-You suck. Boo!
-Boo.
-(laughs)
And what a wonderful story
that is.
-(laughter)
-That's it for tonight.
From all of us here, goodbye
-and very merry Christmas Eve.
-That's the way. Nicely done.
(chuckles) Uh...
you got to be kidding me.
This is it. Best present ever.
What do you think?
Do you like it?
-(chuckles)
-I-- Well, uh, come on.
(laughs)
I don't know,
when-when we first met,
I was, I was just...
I was the most unhappy man
in the world.
I'd-I'd lost everything,
but at least I have Eve back.
Yeah.
Now, I'm...
you know,
I'm-I'm so much better,
so I-I wanted to get you
something special for Christmas.
And you have. I mean,
I have everything
I could ever want. (chuckles)
Well, not quite everything.
Did-did you see the card
that came with it?
Oh. What?
(chuckles):
Oh.
Please be a hot chocolate
gift certificate.
-Please.
-Just read the card.
Read the card.
Ah. (chuckles)
That's great.
I...
We're equals, Flora.
Now, how can things go well
for me and not for both of us?
(sighs)
I don't think I remember
how to have my own life.
(chuckles)
I think you'll get
the hang of it.
(voice breaking): And I thought
the sweatshirt was good.
-(chuckles)
-I mean, mm...
-I mean, it is.
-(laughs)
Yeah, that's, um,
that's my last wish.
How do you,
how do you want to do it?
Well, it comes with a bit of...
of good news.
Um, when a genie goes,
you know, usually people realize
that they forgot something,
so when I go,
you're still allowed
three wishes.
No, that's where the three
wishes thing comes from.
That's where the three wishes
thing comes from.
You-you got any ideas?
You know, I think
the whole point is that
you'll know what you need
when it happens.
So I'm just gonna leave that
to you, my friend.
Should I do it?
-Do it. Do it.
-Do it?
Okay.
(exhales)
(both chuckle)
I guess this is...
this is the end.
Yeah, I'm... (clicks tongue)
out of here.
-Where are you gonna go?
-Uh...
you know, I'm still
kind of mulling that over.
I've actually thought
about going home.
Some unfinished business
with a, uh,
-sorcerer from hell.
-Yeah, but
you can't go back in time.
That's rule number one.
Uh, actually, that's...
How do I put--?
That's not 100% true.
For, as far as genie rule
number one, really,
you-you tell the boss
that, you know,
time travel is
out of the question
because it's,
it's really dangerous.
So it's for your protection
and also
'cause people make horrible
decisions usually, so...
But, I mean, is it literally
out of the question? No.
It's not.
Right, so I could just
wish you back home?
Well, I don't know, but, I mean,
I'm still kind of
considering my options.
I mean, really,
anything could happen.
You know, I could end up
in Los Angeles with this guy.
-(laughs) -You know, just
sitting by a pool. We don't,
we don't know, right?
Oh, you know what? I almost...
This is for you.
And I know I said
that your final three wishes
are entirely up to you,
and that's-that's true,
but maybe consider this
like a hint
at what one of the wishes
could be.
So what's it mean?
We'll get to that in a minute.
Okay, I want to say
something to you.
Uh... and
I just think it's important
that you really hear me.
So years from now,
when you're old,
and gray, and probably
doughy in the middle.
When you're sitting around
reading stories
about my old pal,
JC, in-in your,
in your "Bibble" and--
-It's Bible, but...
-Whatever.
When you come to the phrase,
"The multitude gathered,"
I want you to remember
(crying):
that one of 'em found you
to be the very best friend
that she'd ever had.
Okay? And, uh,
I never really
trusted people because...
they're greedy
and they're selfish.
But, Bernard,
that's not ever you.
(chuckles)
(exhales)
This is all getting
a bit too emotional.
I-I-I wish you'd just go.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I was, I was just--
(groans)
(zapping)
-It's so weird.
-I know.
I can't believe she just left.
She just took off?
Well, I mean, she didn't
so much as leave.
She sort of disappeared,
you know?
I thought we had a, you know--
She didn't say,
she didn't say,
she didn't say goodbye.
I know.
It's a complicated situation.
The weird thing is
she left this thing for me
and I-I can't make
head nor tail of it.
-What? It's a number.
-I know, but...
Maybe it's a...
international phone number.
Yeah, that's a good idea
actually. Like a plus four-four?
I don't know what that means.
AUTOMATED VOICE: We're sorry
your call cannot be completed.
-No.
-Oh!
It's a lottery number.
She had a vision.
We're gonna be rich.
-We'll just wait until
the drawing. -Wait, hold on.
-Hold on. Pass me that pad.
-What?
-This?
-Yeah.
Oh, look at that.
You're doing math.
I-- You never think you're
gonna use it and then you...
-You're a genius.
I could kiss you. -What?
-What? What happened?
-Good night. Good night!
Are we gonna win money?
Just let me wet my beak.
Flora,
my dear friend,
for the first
of my last three wishes,
I wish
I was back
to the very beginning.
("Wishing" by Electric Light
Orchestra playing)
Little darlin'
Don't you cry
You know I tried to be there
with you by and by
When everything
is goin' wrong
Now don't you cry
I'm wishin'
Bernard, this is Henry Hackford
of the Metropolitan Museum
of Art.
Ah, yes.
An honor to meet you, sir.
Nice to meet you, too.
I'd like you to take him
through your new catalog.
Yes, of course.
I'd love to oblige,
but I'm afraid
taking my daughter out for her
birthday is far more important
than following
the orders of a slimy,
nasty, seedy, supercilious,
gloating, ghastly, greedy
rip-off merchant like you.
So goodbye.
Have a very Merry Christmas.
And, oh, of course, I quit.
-But, hey, you can keep
the ugly bear. -(squeaks)
I wish that everything
Was gold
I wish you
Were here to hold
I'm wishin'
Everything gold
Wishin'
Everything gold
Wishin'
Hold on to love,
hold on to love.
Hey.
(chuckling):
Hey.
You look beautiful.
What you trying
to butter me up for?
(chuckles)
I really didn't think
you were gonna make it.
-No?
-(laughing): No.
Okay, too much mascara?
Do I look like an owl?
You look perfect.
-Bernie, what?
-(chuckles softly)
Thank you.
(chuckles)
-What is this about?
-Mm.
Mm.
(both laughing)
Dad!
Oh, happy birthday, baby doll.
-(grunts)
-(screams, laughs)
(both laughing)
How was work?
I quit.
Excuse me?
Did you just say the thing
that I have been dreaming
and-and hoping
and needing you to say
for, I don't know,
what seems like a lifetime?
I just figured I need to
spend a bit more time
with my girls, you know?
And at last, finally pursue
that lifelong dream
of a career in modeling.
(laughs)
Yeah, right.
I've been telling you,
look at this face.
Oh, Bernie,
that is such good news.
I was really getting worried
that maybe someday
soon we'd have to...
Yeah, I know.
No, you don't.
Trust me, I do.
JULIE:
Where are we going?
Oh, yeah. I thought maybe
this year we could do
something a little bit better
than skating, I thought
we could take this divine,
-this sophisticated
young lady... -(screams) No!
-Let me go. -...out to
the finest restaurant in town.
-Ooh. -Yeah, I mean,
it's a very important birthday.
-She's actually eight.
-Eight?
-You're actually eight, right?
-I'm eight.
BERNARD:
Uh, sorry, excuse me, sir.
Wow. What do you think, Eve?
-It's so cool.
-Evening.
Um, do you have
any spare tables?
Tonight? Do we have
any spare tables tonight?
(chuckles)
Oh.
I wish you did.
(magical chiming)
Well, it so happens
that we do, sir.
Come this way. Table for three.
What did you do?
I've got this.
-You flexing, huh?
-(laughs)
You know, I think I'm gonna go
for the Cornish game hen.
WAITER:
Very good choice, sir. Madam?
Uh, if I could have
the truffle salad
and, ooh, the steak tartare?
Certainly, madam.
And for you, young lady?
Peanut butter sandwiches
and cherry ice cream, please?
I'm afraid we absolutely
cannot serve anything
that is not on the menu.
(sighs)
-I wish you could.
-(magical chiming)
However, seeing as you
asked exceptionally nicely,
peanut butter sandwiches
and cherry ice cream coming up,
mademoiselle.
And perhaps some french fries
and a Coke float?
Thank you.
-(chuckles)
-Thank you. That is sweet.
Give me some birthday luck.
-(chuckles)
-BERNARD: You know,
um, a little toast.
To my exquisite,
so-much-smarter-than-me wife.
And to our hilarious,
now almost totally grown-up,
little girl
on her big birthday.
What more can a man
ever wish for?
-Cheers.
-EVE: Cheers.
-Cheers.
-Every day
Will be like a holiday
(indistinct chatter)
When my baby
When my baby comes home
Every day
Oh, yeah
Will be like a holiday
Oh, yes, it will
When my baby
When my baby comes home
(ship horn blows)
Oh, every day
Will be like a holiday
Oh, yes, it will...
(chuckles) What do you say
we order in for dinner?
I don't think either of us
could be bothered to cook.
That's a great idea. Let me
go out and get something.
Okay, but maybe we shouldn't do
pizza from that place again.
Oh, come on, those are
the best pizzas ever.
You know what? You're right.
Get me that pizza
-and get it right now.
-Yeah?
-Yes. Now.
-Really? Mm.
-(chuckles)
-Mm.
Evening, Charles.
Evening, Mr. Bottle.
(indistinct chatter)
Lenny, how you doing?
I'm great, man.
I'm living the dream.
What, are you kidding me?
Beats wearing a uniform
and hailing cabs
for jerks like you.
-(chuckles) -What are you doing,
you coming in?
-Yeah, thank you, Chef.
-Oh, great.
Let me get that door for ya.
-Oh, come on. -Come on,
it's like old times, pal.
Hey, honey.
Give us a nice hot one.
Of course.
One perfect pepperoni
for old Bernie boy.
I'm guessing you want
extra pepperoni?
Yeah. Please.
("I Wish" by Skee-Lo playing)
Your wish is my command.
I wish I was
a little bit taller
I wish I was a baller,
I wish I had a girl
Who looked good,
I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit
in a hat with a bat
And a six-four Impala
I wish I was
like six-foot-nine
So I can get with Leoshi
'Cause she don't know me
but, yo, she's really fine
You know I see her all
the time, everywhere I go
And even in my dreams,
I can scheme
Of ways to make her mine
'cause I know
She's livin' phat,
her boyfriend's tall
And he plays ball, so how
am I gonna compete with that?
'Cause when it comes
to playing basketball
I'm always last to be picked
and in some cases
Never picked at all,
so I just lean up on the wall
Or sit up in the bleachers
with the rest of the girls
Who came
to watch their man ball
I confess it's a shame
when you livin' in a city
That's the size of a box
and nobody knows yo' name
Glad I came, to my senses
Like quick-quick,
got sick-sick to my stomach
Overcometh by thoughts
of me and her together, right?
So when I asked her out,
she said I wasn't her type
I wish I was a little bit
taller, I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who
looked good, I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit
in a hat with a bat
And a six-four Impala
I wish I was a little bit
taller, I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who
looked good, I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit
in a hat with a bat
And a six-four Impala
I wish... I wish
I wish
I wish... I wish
I wish.