WOMAN: Albert.
Albert, wake up.
Our son is leaving home.
ALBERT: How old is he?
WOMAN: 20.
ALBERT: Good.
Albert, he's going to California
to become a stand up comedian.
ALBERT: Why couldn't he have turned
to dr*gs, like other kids?
[music playing]
RADIO VOICE 1: In the 2000 years you've lived,
you've seen a lot of changes.
RADIO VOICE 2: Yes, I-- certainly.
RADIO VOICE 1: People are very interested in somebody
like Joan of Arc.
RADIO VOICE 2: What a cutie.
Joan of Arc.
RADIO VOICE 1: You knew Joan of Arc?
RADIO VOICE 2: I went with her, dummy.
I went with her.
RADIO VOICE 1: You didn't marry her?
RADIO VOICE 2: No.
No, I didn't marry her because she was on a mission, you know?
RADIO VOICE 1: Yes.
RADIO VOICE 2: She used to say to me-- she used to say to me,
I've got to save France.
I used to say, look I gotta wash up, you save France
and I'll see you later.
RADIO VOICE 1: How did you feel about her
being burned at the stake?
RADIO VOICE 2: Terrible.
[laughter]
[music playing]
COMEDIAN ON RADIO: Well, you see so many people with hostages
nowadays, and you say, hey, I'd like some too.
So I've got, uh, three of them.
They're really nice people.
We're getting along great.
They're tied in a sack, outside, at the top of the flagpole.
And I'm going to blow them up at midnight too.
Unless, of course, I get my three demands.
A hundred thousand in cash, getaway car, and I
want the letter M stricken from the English language.
[music playing]
$15.
OK.
Where are you heading?
Oh, I'm going to Los Angeles.
I'm going to play the Comedy Tree.
The what?
Comedy Tree.
It's a big nightclub, you know?
A lot of guys started there, like Robin Williams, and--
Who?
[music playing]
COMEDIAN ON RADIO: Names have a real impact.
Names have emotional value.
Especially names that are attached to products or people,
or really, things that are bigger than just stuff.
But holy moly, product names.
For instance, if a janitor in a drum made a douche,
nobody would buy it.
[laughter]
It would be like Raid feminine hygiene spray.
Raid.
Wow.
They call them feminine hygiene sprays,
or under leg deodorants.
[laughter]
COMEDIAN ON RADIO: Well, I think lesbians should have a perfume
called f*ck Off, Mister.
[laughter]
[music playing]
This must be a joke.
A fire?
Oh, no.
MARK (VOICEOVER): Dear Mom, I've been here three days now.
Seeing a lot of people, and I met a mime.
Just my luck, we'll become friends
and he'll never speak to me again.
Write to you soon.
P.S. Hope you and dad are enjoying
my Cheech & Chong records.
GREG: And now, well juggling the three objects--
one, two, three--
I'm going to attempt to eat the apple.
That's this one.
Here we go.
Used to be able to do this.
One, two, three.
Ah, it's a banana.
That's the-- Nah it's--
here goes.
[laughter]
I hate green peppers.
[laughter]
GREG: I'll get it this time.
[applause]
[mumbling]
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
You've been a wonderful audience.
I take credit cards, watches, wallets.
Ah, great.
Here you go.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Great. Thanks a lot.
- Hey, you were really good. - Whoa.
Two bucks?
Good stuff.
Thanks.
You want an apple?
Oh, no thanks, I don't want to eat your act.
Mark Champlin.
Greg. How're you doing?
All right.
We're sort of in the same business.
Oh, you're a beggar too, aye?
- Well, I'm a comedian. - Oh yeah?
Yeah.
From Cleveland.
That's redundant.
Oh.
So tell me, where's all the comedy?
At the farm.
- Farm? - Yeah.
The Funny Farm.
Everybody went to the funny farm.
You want to go?
Yeah.
Great.
You hold on to my produce, OK?
Sure.
You ever play there?
No, not with that management.
Where is this place?
Santa Monica.
Santa Monica.
Why yes indeed, the comedy capital of the world.
TRACI SHRIVER: People ask me, uh, what's
Queen Elizabeth II really like?
I said, all right, well look, she's not at all like the ship.
[laughter]
In my house waiting, is this giant,
date swallowing roommate.
Because I come in, I feel helpless like Igor.
I brought you another one, ma'am.
Take it, he's a Princeton grad.
Well, how did I get to basically kind of shy and old fashioned
when it comes to guys and dating?
[laughter]
How come shy people don't get dizzy doing that at parties?
Oh, no, I can't dance, too shy.
Uh uh.
No way.
Who's that?
It's, uh, Fred Pinkham.
He gets up now and then.
For a price, he'll tape your act.
For a price, he'll also get you a month's supply of [sniffs]..
Uh huh.
He's a comic, too?
Everybody's a comic, right?
What did you say?
I tell you to give her the light.
You can't do that, Gail.
She's doing a nice job.
You want me to manage this place?
She's been on long enough.
Gail, she won't like it.
Well, f*ck her.
Gail, that's a disgusting way to talk.
GREG: Harvey Lederer.
He owns the place.
Gail Corbin, she runs it.
Take it from a juggler, when you meet
her, hold on to your balls.
Well,uh, It looks like someone's using a little bit
too much power in here tonight.
Thank you very much.
Have a great night.
[applause]
Don't you go running off tonight, huh?
OK.
President Reagan forging ahead on the subject
of foreign policy.
Well of course, for Reagan, foreign policy
is anything east of Lake Tahoe.
GREG: Peter Bowman, the emcee.
Does a lot of political shit.
And he's still backing social security.
But that's not surprising, since he's been on it for five years.
[laughter]
All right, our next young comic
comes to us from south of the border.
And we like to think of him as America's
funniest illegal alien.
Son of a bitch, he'll get me in trouble.
Let's have a warm Funny Farm welcome for Miguel
Moreno and his green card.
Proof that you can leave home without it.
Let's hear it.
[applause]
[music playing]
I'm Mexicano.
And you are not.
What's the difference?
Your ancestors came here on the Mayflower.
Mine, they came in the trunk of a Vega.
[laughter]
Now I start my act.
First thing I ever started without using jumper cable.
[laughter]
I'm working at the restaurant just down the street, right?
We got the best strangled eggs here from Norway.
[laughter]
Strangled eggs?
You know what they call people like you in my country?
Tourists.
[laughter]
STEPHEN CROFT: You know the movie "Midnight Expresss?"
Yeah.
What about "Midnight Express 2?"
He goes back.
He tries again.
He gets caught again.
He was young.
He was still really stupid.
He didn't learn his lesson.
Stephen Croft.
He's the main dickhead around here.
How long has he been doing this?
Uh, about seven years.
- Wow. - q*eer hot-line.
Hello.
You're q*eer?
OK, we'll send a truck by in about 20 minutes,
have you put to sleep. All right.
Bastard stole my joke.
STEPHEN CROFT: You know, I like my music loud.
My women fast.
My liquor hard.
I like my shower curtains kind of light,
airy, with some organic green flowing in there
to keep things flowing.
I'm going to split now, OK?
Do you need a ride?
Oh, no thanks.
No, I-- I'm going to stay here.
This is really fascinating.
OK. Good luck.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah.
And I just flew in, right?
I just flew in.
And I got to the airport, like, an hour late.
And I got-- you know, it's so hard
to try to catch those planes.
They go, like, 600 miles an hour.
[laughter]
Oh, here's an impression.
I do impressions, too.
I do everything.
This is my impression of a Mexican without a car.
[laughter]
(BABY VOICE) Hi.
It took my mommy one year-- one year to toilet train me, right?
[laughter]
And every time my mommy would put me on the potty,
I would cry.
That's not funny.
One day, my mommy asked me, she said,
Bobby, how come every time I put you on the potty, you cry?
[laughter]
And I said, it's my potty, and I'll cry I want to.
Cry if I want to.
[applause]
Uh-oh.
I think I just made a caca.
[laughter]
Hi.
Mark Champlin.
Cleveland, Ohio.
Best act we've seen here, and I come here all the time.
Really good.
You're just marvelous.
Hi, how you doing?
Listen, what are you doing now?
I mean, I live real close to here, you know?
Hi. Mark Champlin.
Cleveland, Ohio.
Oh hi.
- You catch my act? - No, man.
I was taking a dump.
Up yours.
I'm telling you, it was dead in there earlier.
A regular oil painting.
You're crazy, man.
Well if, uh--
if they were dead, it's certainly
not because you k*lled them.
Why aren't you at home stealing Carson's monologue?
Why don't you blow it out your ass?
Anybody want to buy a k*ller joke?
- No. - I'm running a special.
One joint.
That last joke wasn't worth a filter, man.
MARK CHAMPLIN : That's because you told it with an accent.
Talk with an accent? You talk with an accent.
This is brilliant.
The Ku Klux Klan is on the rise.
But they want to change their image.
They're going for designer sheets.
[sigh]
Decorator colors?
That's good.
PETER BOWMAN: Aw, screw all of you.
I'll use it myself.
STEPHEN CROFT: That'll be the day.
Hey, you can turn that off now.
The conversation's over.
Hard up for material, or what?
FRED PINKHAM: Um, I really became--
really feel with those women's commercials--
I'm especially fed up with those Stay Free Maxi pads.
Right?
And mini pads for shorter girls.
(IMITATING RICHARD NIXON) I understand the Reagans
had a wonderful Thanksgiving,
The ones I don't like most--
Until Nancy tried to carve Ronald's neck.
Gobble gobble.
OK.
Uh-- Kissinger.
(IMITATING KISSINGER) Of course,
I could have run for president.
But why should I have been demoted?
(IMITATING JIMMY CARTER) This is Jimmy Carter.
OK. That sounds all right.
Now what else do I have to do tonight?
Um-- Jeez.
Who else can I do?
Great job.
Hi, I'm Mark Champlin.
- I think I'm going to be sick! - Hey.
Watch it.
Watch out!
Watch it.
You hit my Cosellie, you dumb bastard.
Oh, shit, I'm up.
Do me a favor, pal.
Watch my pictures for me.
Really important.
Thanks a lot.
They all stink.
Every one of them.
Comics.
Excuse me?
I, uh, believe you forgot to unzip your fly.
Now, that's funny.
Smiles, everyone.
Smiles.
[laughter]
Where is Tattoo?
Our guests are arriving.
(IMITATING TATTOO'S VOICE) Sorry, boss.
I didn't hear "de plane" this week.
I was-- I was busy with my stump collection.
You mean stamp collection, don't you, Tattoo?
(IMITATING TATTOO'S VOICE) Take a good look at me, boss.
I mean stump collection.
And look, boss.
Here comes Dolly Parton, boss.
What's her fantasy?
Well, Tattoo, Dolly Parton's fantasy
is, uh, to be thought of by the world as more than just
another beautiful body.
In other words Tattoo, she wants to be admired for what
is above her shoulders.
(IMITATING TATTOO'S VOICE) Why doesn't she
just stand on her head, boss?
Hey, boss, here comes Don Adams, the star of "Get Smart."
Good afternoon, Monsieur Adams.
Welcome to Fantasy Island.
What is your fantasy?
[laughter]
My fantasy?
[laughter]
What's the hazard going now?
Aw, that bitch promised me a time slot two months ago.
Well, I got news for her.
I'm quitting next week.
And when I leave, I'm going to take all the car keys with me.
It'll be a zoo around here.
Man, I'm as funny as any of those schmucks in there,
and she knows it.
Just because I don't feel like nailing her.
I didn't come all the way from Baltimore to park cars.
I feel like falling in love with a major talent tonight.
This is the place.
Make us laugh, OK?
We're easy.
We'll do our best.
Which sounds like more than we need.
Jokies.
Jokies?
Yeah, jokies.
They're just like groupies, only they hang around with comics.
Jokies.
Which means they're not quite as smart.
- Jokies. - Yeah.
I like that.
[laughter]
I got a brand new joke.
Listen to this.
An amusement park for punk rockers--
Vomit Land.
Don't you get it?
Disneyland?
Vomit Land?
[sigh]
MYLES STEWART: Y'all see me OK?
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
Or is it better If I smile?
Hi, I'm Mark Champlin.
Cleveland, Oh--
Oh, gee, I'm sorry.
MYLES: Black man never drops no glass.
I'm really sorry.
Black man drinks from a jug.
Yeah.
You silly little twerp.
What a twerp.
MYLES STEWART: That was Amy, one of our waitresses.
I'm really sorry.
And a beautiful thing it was.
So let's give her some.
Come on, now.
Yeah.
Because she's gonna lose her job.
You know what I'm trying to say? Get down.
Yeah.
I'm so embarrassed.
I can't believe this.
I think I got you in trouble, didn't I?
Wait up!
What about Steve?
It's his turn to close up.
I guess we won't be seeing him tonight.
They drive home in a limo?
It's not theirs.
It belongs to the piano player's father.
They just borrow it when the old man's out of town.
Not bad.
When did you get it, again?
Tuesday.
Where are you staying?
You've heard of Best Western?
I'm at Worst Western.
You want to get a bite to eat where the comics hang out?
Yeah.
Now if I don't get my salami soon, I think I'm going to die.
Table for one, please.
I'm not with this white trash.
Oh, sit down.
So tell me, how much time do you have?
Six months.
And if I haven't made it, I'm k*lling myself.
No.
I mean your act.
Oh.
I got two or three good routines.
At least they were good in Cleveland.
[laughter]
Oh. Hold it.
Hold it.
Smile.
OK.
Hold on to that for 60 seconds and if nothing develops,
take two aspirin and call me in the morning.
He really captured you, Michael.
Yeah, nothing.
Get me immigration.
[laughter]
I don't know how you guys do it.
What, acting's easier?
Well, at least with acting you have a script.
You know, for someone who doesn't like comedy so much,
you sure picked a strange place to earn your living.
You call that a living?
Ugh.
Thank you for the smell.
Why don't you just hose us down, pal?
Spick and span, my favorite kosher dish.
Hi, I'm Mr. Span.
This is Mr. Spick.
Watch it, man.
Say, what happened?
She make you only go twice tonight?
Don't eat that.
It's got sodium nitrate in it!
Poison!
Sheesh.
You're lucky the boss isn't here tonight.
Oh, really?
Does that mean that you and I can finally get to f--
f-- fall in love?
Thank you very much, man.
Will there be anything else?
Don't order the tossed salad.
I'd give him a tongue sandwich and don't
give him any of your lip.
Ba dum bum.
Just separate checks for you.
I've got an early class in the morning.
Was it that bad a joke?
No, but if you want to stay, I'm sure you can get a ride.
Hey, let's hear it for the funny ladies.
Their first case of the clap.
Oh, no girls under the table tonight Mr. Macho face.
Ooh.
Twats.
Tell me sir, was there such a thing as the clap
when you were a young man?
Oh, yes.
Back in my day, we had so much of it, we called it an ovation.
When are you gonna admit you dig her?
Up yours.
So you mean that I can audition Monday night?
Wow, that's fantastic.
And if Miss Charming likes you,
you get a regular time spot.
Is she is as tough as everyone says?
I wouldn't know.
I'm an actress, not a comic.
I'll slay her.
You watch.
The Funny Farm is about to give birth to a brand
new, young comedy Star.
Why do you all have to be stars?
I mean, I would just be happy be a good,
solid working professional.
Do you ever think about getting the other windshield
wiper working?
No.
I only drive on this side.
Ha ha.
Cute.
Oh, there it is over there.
Oh.
OK.
Home sweet home.
Aw, gee, every hour taken, huh?
MARK CHAMPLIN: Are you kidding?
Business is so good here, the maids don't even
bother to leave the room.
Which is probably why business is so good here.
AMY LOWELL: Ha ha.
MARK CHAMPLIN: I, uh, don't suppose
I could talk you into coming in to look
at some of my clippings?
Will you give me a break?
I'm just a kid.
I was afraid of that.
Wait.
Come here.
How about some of my 8x10 glossies?
Don't be a comedian.
Hey.
What is this?
It's not supposed to rain in Southern California.
MAN: It cost me $18 this week in
balloons alone.
Look, boys, look.
You go in there, then you can be as funny as you want.
You got five minutes, right on the nose.
For now, just relax and--
I see by this morning's paper that by 1986,
every country in the world will have nuclear weapons.
Well, isn't it a good feeling to know you won't have Mozambique
to kick around anymore?
[laughter]
Gail?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Who's there?
You don't know me.
We met last night.
Mark Champlin.
Cleveland, Ohio.
Cleveland, right.
You should try out for "The Tonight Show."
I did my first shot three months ago.
- You did "The Tonight Show?" - Yeah.
Well, how'd you do?
Fabulous.
I k*lled them.
Well, are you going to do it again?
We-- Well, maybe I-- maybe I only wounded them.
Well, actually with me, it depends on my material,
you know?
If world w*r three hits, I'm in business.
Have you signed up yet?
I'm going to open the doors any minute.
There's three people out there.
Check again.
They have a funny way of multiplying.
Really? OK.
I will.
Thanks.
Bye.
Good luck.
Yeah.
Huh.
I see by this morning's paper--
Oh, my god.
A guy in a chicken suit?
How am I going to compete with that?
These balloons--
I get rid of my stuff if I lay an egg--
Your first time?
And my 23rd.
I audition every Monday night, and I love it.
My husband, he thinks I'm out playing cards.
Oh, there's nothing to it, all you have to do is be brilliant.
Aren't you a little young to be a comic?
I work old.
The first one in.
I'm going to be discovered.
I'm gonna be a star.
I work young.
[music playing]
d*ck Van d*ke.
Gene Kelly.
Oh.
Marx brothers.
Ooh, where's Groucho?
Hey, you say the secret word and you win a hundred dollars.
Heh.
Bob Hope.
Woo.
Another Cleveland boy.
MARK (VOICEOVER): Dear Mom--
well, it won't be long before my feet are in cement.
I signed up at a club called The Funny Farm.
I'm auditioning tonight.
Wish me luck.
By the way, you'll never guess who I met today.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Hey, whoa.
Huh?
Aren't you Steve Allen?
Mark Champlin.
Cleveland, Ohio.
Fellow comic.
How are you?
- I'm a big fan of yours. - Oh yeah?
How big are you?
Oh, this big.
What are you listening to?
Huh?
What are you listening to?
"Moby d*ck."
The group?
No, the book.
Nice to see you, kid.
Bye.
The book?
So my 3-year-old kid keeps asking me, how come it took
so long in your belly, mommy?
There was nothing to do in there, I was so bored.
Next time, get a womb with a view.
What do you want from me?
[applause]
Good luck.
AMY LOWELL: See you next Monday night.
Come on.
Let's hear it for her.
Mrs. Marsha Lipowitz.
Yeah.
That's what they call human today?
STEPHEN CROFT: And you wonder where the young comics
are coming from.
I've got wit, and charm, and I'm on top of the situation.
So how come I'm about to crap in my pants?
All right, let's keep this show rolling right along.
Is there a left hander out in the bullpen?
No.
OK.
I think you're really going to like this next guy.
He, uh, comes from Cleveland, Ohio.
He goes to college out there, actually.
Which must be m*rder on gas.
Good luck.
I want to die.
And he's a new friend of mine.
I'd like you to give him a very nice welcome.
Please meet Mr. Mark Champlin.
Let's hear it for him.
[applause]
Thank you.
Hi.
Hi.
How are y'all?
Everybody comfortable?
How y'all feeling?
Rotten.
Good.
I like a challenge.
Ah.
Some deal, huh?
You have to drive here.
You have to pay to park your car.
You have to pay to get in.
You pay for your drinks.
And then you have to answer a bunch of questions.
Well, you've got to understand that I
drove here all the way from Cleveland, Ohio
to play The Comedy Tree.
Boo!
Three days, two nights on the road.
I didn't even stop to go to the john, huh?
I get here, and I find out that the club
where I'm supposed to make my big break
burned down; the day before.
Aw.
Oh, no.
If I'd gotten here two days earlier,
maybe I could have put it out.
- Maybe. - Doubt it.
So I walk across the street and there's
this flower shop, right?
The guy there-- the guy there is terrific.
No smile, no warmth, no sense of humor.
For a minute, I thought I was talking to my father.
So I asked him if I could borrow the car keys.
[light laughter]
Well, uh, enough about that.
Let me talk about my uncle.
Great segue way.
Thanks, guy.
Uh, my uncle, the man hasn't worked in 28 years.
That's the truth.
He designs World Series tickets for the Cleveland Indians.
[laughter]
Well, uh, I'd really better go now.
There's a TV show that I don't want to miss.
It's a comedy version of Gilligan's Island.
So, uh, thank you very much.
Thank you.
[applause]
Yeah.
Mark Champlin.
You did two minutes.
I did?
You forgot your tape recorder.
All the way from Ohio.
Short and sweet.
Uh, you forgot your, uh-- forgot your purse.
I wind up with more--
You were great.
I only did two minutes.
Felt much longer than that.
I mean, it went by so fast that I--
No.
No.
[applause]
OK.
We have a real treat for you now.
It's not often this gentleman comes up on stage.
Especially when Gail is around.
Huh.
So I want to hear a big, warm, wet welcome for the man
who makes it all happen.
The owner of The Funny Farm, Mr. Harvey Lederer.
Oh, god.
Spare me.
Ah.
Let's hear it for him.
[applause]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Well, as most of you know, I'm--
I'm not a professional.
You could've fooled me.
Still, I like to think I can appreciate a joke
as much as the next fellow.
How much as the next fellow?
Now, you stop that, you crazy guys.
The boys are pulling my leg.
They like to do that.
Now, any-- anyway-- well-- well, here-- here's
one I think you might enjoy.
What is green and white, and goes 10,000 miles an hour?
Your money on the way to the bank.
Ha ha.
Like-- like to k*ll a guy's timing, don't you?
No.
In case you've forgotten, what is green and white,
and goes 10,000 miles an hour?
A frog in a Cuisinart.
[jeering]
I gave you that joke.
You can-- you can have it back now.
Harvey I'm sorry to interrupt, it's a very
important, urgent announcement.
Steven asked me to give it to you.
Please, just read it. Just take a second.
Sure. Sure.
An important announcement.
Uh, get off the fu--
stage.
[laughter]
That's not funny.
That is not funny.
Stephen, it's not funny.
Mr. Harvey Lederer.
Let's hear it for him.
Come on.
Come on.
Yeah.
All right!
We have a very special treat for you
tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
Yes, even though it's amateur night,
Bruce Nutter, our resident crazy person, has agreed to perform.
So let's hear it for him.
Would you close the door, please?
You know, I really can do a lot better than that out there.
You did just fine.
I really liked you out there.
I liked you so much, as a matter of fact,
that you're gonna start working here tomorrow night.
Really?
Yeah.
Parking cars.
But you already have somebody parking cars.
Well, I just fired him.
See, I didn't like what he was planning
to do with the car keys.
Well, you'd better go out and start practicing
your stick shifts, honey.
Yeah.
I want something to remember you by,
so I want you to all move in the middle.
I'm going to take some pictures, OK?
But I want them action pictures, so strip time.
Let's go.
All of it off!
Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go.
Work with me.
Come on, take it off.
Take it off.
I want some action here.
Let's go.
That's great. OK.
I love it. I love it.
OK. You're great.
You're great. OK.
Sit down.
OK.
Now-- now remember, we are in the heart of the Amazon
now, OK?
In the jungle.
That's right.
Lots of animals, lots of snakes.
The natives are restless. - Audition?
Are you kidding?
That's Bruce Nutter.
Who's Bruce Nutter?
The only true comic we have here.
I thought it was audition night?
You think he knows?
That man is so wired.
Religion.
It's getting hotter by the second.
Peter, you want to k*ll the air conditioner?
k*ll the air conditioner, OK?
We're going for realism, OK?
Go, k*ll it.
OK?
OK now, remember-- now, soon, it'll be
time to crown the Amazon queen.
Do we have any contestants?
Any pretty girls?
Come on up here.
[cheering]
What in the world is going on?
The air conditioning is off.
So you save some money.
Oh, my god.
What was that? Was that an earthquake?
No. No.
[cheering]
LARRY POUND: Anybody cancelled?
I don't think so.
- Bruce Nutter, right? - Who else?
What's he doing here on audition night?
I gotta catch him. No.
No, you can't park there, were full up.
Park around the street.
Oh.
I'm on delivery.
I think they'd eat cold pizza.
If they eat cold pizza, I can get fired.
And if I get fired then I cant eat pizza.
And if I can't eat pizza, I can't do my act.
But I don't do my act, anyways.
What am I talking about?
I don't know.
I'm going in.
[cheering]
Say melon!
He's crazy, but I love him.
What lungs.
Gail's right.
They should lock them up.
You could get your license revoked, you know?
Yeah, she is.
Your mommy could hear about this.
Mommy?
Yeah, mommy.
Oh.
I think we got a winner, you know what I mean?
Let's hear it for these people.
Naw.
Naw.
Yeah.!
[cheering]
What's his story?
Nobody knows.
He never talks to anyone.
It's getting much too hot in here.
Look.
A little marching music, Michael.
Let's get out of here. Santa Monica.
[cheering]
Out. Out.
Everybody out.
Come on.
Everybody, come on.
[car horn] - Hey.
Hey, quiet!
This is a nightclub!
OK.
Now, I want you to hold each other's hand
and close your eyes.
Because tonight you're going to contact the spirit of comedy.
Saint Shakie of Las Vegas!
Oh, my god.
Repeat after me, my children.
Repeat after me.
Our father--
Our father.
Who art in Caesar's Place.
Who art in Caesar's Palace.
He's nuts.
He is really nuts.
[police siren]
His will be done.
He's will be done.
As it is in the country.
Go on you guys.
That's enough.
That terminates our services for tonight.
Thank you very much.
[cheering]
Next time, we all meet on the freeway!
Turn that down.
Fix me a drink.
Fix you a drink?
Why, of course, my dear.
I would fix you a drink and far more.
If I were king.
Oh, that's so good.
Burt Reynolds, right?
So what did I tell you?
I'm out here a week, and already I get a job in The Funny Farm.
Hm.
Outside the Funny Farm.
So what?
It's a start.
Did you decide what to do about your motel?
Well, I don't know.
I, uh-- I hate to impose.
It's not an imposition.
It's a proposition.
I like you.
And I could use a little company.
Well-- OK.
Oh, you bum.
You packed all your things.
Wait.
Just wait.
Well hey, I mean, you invited me.
Well, yeah.
But you could've at least warned me.
Well, this is your warning.
I'm saying yes.
Five minute warning.
Thanks a lot.
Anything else I can do for you?
Yeah.
I sleep on the left side of the bed.
Forget it.
- Amy. - Hm?
Amy, wake up.
I think I got something. - Hm.
What?
Ugh.
Don't you ever sleep?
I can't.
Look, I gotta get ready for that time spot when it happens, huh?
Now look, do you think this is funny?
Now, what am I?
I'm a WASP, right?
- It's OK, I still like you. - No.
Don't sleep.
Come on, wake up.
Please, listen.
Now, there's Italian comics, right?
There's Jewish comics.
There's black comics.
There's no WASP comics.
I mean, we're ethnic.
I could talk about my childhood.
I could talk about, um, everything white.
You know, white bread, mayonnaise, right?
What?
What do you think?
Is it a funny idea?
Yeah, it's funny.
It's just so hard to tell at 4 AM.
Where are you going?
Well, since you got me up, I might as well rehearse too.
Come on. - Oh no.
No.
I'm-- I'm sleeping.
Come here.
OK.
Act 4.
Scene 15.
How did Shakespeare expect to hold an audience for four acts?
Five.
Let's start.
So it should be, that none but Anthony should conquer Anthony,
but woe, it is so.
I am dying, Egypt.
Dying.
You know, I have died many times myself.
Come on.
Keep reading.
Only here I importune death awhile, until many thousand
kisses last lie--
lie-- upon thy lips.
[laughing]
Oh, my.
Let's go back to bed where you're really funny, huh?
Oh, you're funny. I'm funny?
Uh huh. Very.
- You want to laugh? - Yeah.
Well what kind of laugh do you want, huh?
You want a little bitty laugh?
Or a great big laugh?
Or a boffo socko?
Boffo socko.
How much you say this was?
$55.00
I'll pay that.
Come on, man.
You're going to get me fired.
Watch it with that thing.
Whoa.
- The shirts fit? - Yeah.
All of them. - All of them?
What are you, crazy?
Hey, baby, I like shirts with nice collars.
Hey.
You think we're going to still do this when we're stars?
I sure hope so. I'd miss it.
[laughing]
Larry. Larry.
Larry.
What is this, Larry?
Wrestling an alligator shirt.
It's a large.
Where's Steve?
Oh no.
He's trying on a suit.
No, I like it. It's good.
A little tight around the waist, but alterations
will take care of that.
Sleeve are a little long.
That's no problem, either. It's good.
It's me. It's my look.
I think it's very me.
I'm handsome.
What do you think? I like the look.
I think it's good.
I don't care what you have to say.
I like it. I'm going to get.
It's my kind of feel.
Not much else.
Not as important.
sh**t.
California.
Nothing.
Still nothing.
I got a good one.
You played the kid in a thousand clowns
with a bus and truck company.
What's the good of making up these credits
if I'm never going to work?
You'll work.
Don't worry.
I just want you to be prepared.
You cannot go through life having
as your only credit stand up work
at the Cleveland Fun Factory.
At least there, I didn't have to park cars.
Park.
That's it, park.
Barefoot in the park.
Oh.
Perfect.
What do I have to do to impress that woman?
Well, hey, you impressed me.
I mean, how many woman do you want
to impress in your lifetime?
Thousands?
STEPHEN CROFT: No, it's fine.
It's fine.
No, that's quite all right.
No, there's other car rental agencies in the city.
We can get another car somewhere else.
It's because I'm blind, right? Isn't it?
It's because I'm blind. No.
Hey, I can take it. It's all right.
I can take it. I can handle it.
Uh-huh.
Tell you one thing, tough, buddy, I'll see you in court.
I'll see you in court, buddy.
[laughter]
Hey, you guys remember that insurance scam
we always planned to do?
[groaning]
Come on, let's got it.
Man, I got a set in 20 minutes.
So what? We'll be late.
Big deal.
Bunch of candy ass cowards.
Look, I'll straighten it out with Gail, no problem.
That's easy for you to say.
She's going to k*ll me if I'm not there.
Hey man, maybe she'll appreciate you
a little more after this, huh?
Ever think of that?
No.
Look, the next light, we do it.
All right?
No.
[tire screeching]
[groaning]
My arm!
Cops?
Boy, you're out of your mind.
Oh, my back!
I can't feel my finger!
I can't move my neck.
My arm!
Who's driving that car?
I'll sue you bastards!
Could have made millions!
I'm gonna do impressions.
All my impressions will be the same.
I can't find my pinky!
Originally, I wanted to be an actress.
And like most actresses, I started out on the bottom.
With--
Where the hell is Stephen?
And Myles?
And Dickie?
I don't know.
I'll k*ll those sons of b*tches.
And that piano playing schmuck, where is he?
Maybe they were in an accident?
Well, it better be a head on.
Where's that pizza putz?
I haven't seen Larry yet, either.
Where's that Indian kid?
Yeah, he's here.
OK, put him on.
And then you do a spot, OK?
OK.
Who else is around?
What about Mark Champlin?
Who?
The kid in the parking lot.
Oh, yeah.
Cute, but no act.
Yeah.
Give him a shot.
Give her the light, please.
She really makes me nervous.
Oh, god.
[ambulance siren]
Mama.
How much longer are we gonna go on with this?
Not very much longer, I don't think.
In fact, I think we should quit just about now.
Uh, I feel a lot better, guys.
I'm sorry. I don't know.
I feel great now.
Yes, I do.
Thank you.
It has been--
A a nice day.
[shouting]
Mark, get ready.
You're on next.
You're kidding?
You've got to be kidding me.
I'm not.
You're on right after Rising Sun, OK?
Oh, my god.
Are you sure you're not kidding now?
I'm not kidding.
You're on.
Well, all right!
And you're in luck.
One of the network guys is here.
A network?
Oh, this is it, folks.
This is it.
Uh, can I have a ticket?
My friend, you can have any ticket you like.
And hurry up, you don't want to be late.
Because you don't want to miss me.
Here's one just for the Indians in the audience.
[laughter]
That was the punchline.
You've got to understand, my people were the ones
who invented the peace pipe.
And if they hadn't smoked so much shit,
we'd still own this country.
Where is he?
He's the twerpy one over there.
He's in charge of comedy development.
OK.
So far, the only thing he's developed is a case of herpes.
- Did you hear? - What?
I'm on.
[gasps] - Fantastic!
Oh!
See what happens when white man bangs waitress?
Thank you.
Good night.
You better be real funny, for her sake.
Don't worry.
I mean really funny.
No problem.
Well, make a night of it, huh?
[applause]
Rising Sun.
Let's hear it for him.
Well, let's move on to a foreigner.
Someone from Cleveland.
Comes to us directly from our parking lot,
where he's just finished doing some very
funny things to your car.
Yeah.
Let's have a nice warm welcome for Mr. Mark Champlin.
Let's hear it. - Tell me I'm great.
You're great.
OK.
[applause]
Where the hell are those assholes?
[applause]
Thank you.
Thank you.
So how are you all?
Everyone comfortable?
Everybody feeling good? Yeah?
It's your first time here?
It's fun the way you have to pay at the door,
pay for your drinks and then you have to answer
a lot of questions, huh?
OK, let's just get one thing straight right at the top, OK?
Tipping is permitted out in the parking lot.
[laughter]
Well, folks, you're looking at a 100% white,
Anglo-Saxon Protestant.
[laughter]
Genuine WASP.
Let me tell you, it's not easy being a WASP.
It's not easy coming from a family
that wouldn't approve of me living with a girl,
even after marriage.
You know.
I mean, my whole childhood was white.
I never even knew what colors were until I was 15.
I used to wake up in the morning and I'd
get out of my white sheets.
Put on a white shirt.
Go downstairs for breakfast.
You know?
Bowl of cream of rice with some milk.
You knew you were in for the perfect WASP
day when you opened up the front door and it was snowing.
All white and fluffy.
So I'd kiss the black maid, and I'd go off to school.
[laughter]
When you're a kid, you start getting certain subtle clues
that you're a WASP.
When I was 11, I snuck into my parents' bedroom.
And I think I caught them right after they
were doing it because, uh, as I walked in, there they were.
Oh, Albert, I love you.
Yes.
Thank you, Ethel.
That was very erotic.
[laughter]
Have you seen those bumper stickers?
You know--
Uh oh.
The vampire has spotted us.
(IMITATING DRACULA) Draculette.
Blah! Blah!
We all have to nail her tonight.
Great.
It's the truth.
Oh, now this act is really going to cook.
Ladies and gentlemen, do you remember the movie
"sh**t the Piano Player?"
Michael Pinscher.
Bang bang.
Oh.
Thank you.
[piano playing]
The definition of a h*m* WASP?
That's a gay who still goes out with girls.
A gay who still goes out with girls?
Hey, I laughed when you came in.
The definition of WASP soul food, potato salad
served by Richard Pryor.
Definition of oral sex to a WASP?
That's a guy who licks Susan B. Anthony stamps.
[laughter]
You know, you can always tell a WASP in a store.
He's the one that pays 10% over retail.
10% over retail?
What, did you come in with him?
Every WASP has a family crest.
I got mine.
It says, hello, my name is Mark Champlin.
It's great for meeting fellow WASPS.
I think he's so cute.
You go into any hotel in this country,
and I guarantee you that there'll
be a convention full of WASPS.
It's true.
And they're all there, reading each other's labels.
Oh, how do you do, uh--
Doug? Yes.
Yes.
I see you're with B,B, D, and O. Oh, very good.
I'm with F, U, C, and K, Michael.
[laughter]
Oh and this is my, uh, wife, Mimi Latoy, right?
These guys are always with hookers.
[laughter]
I love the books that they make WASP children read, huh?
My favorite was "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."
The name says it all, right?
Snow White.
I can understand a woman like that living
with one dwarf, maybe two, but seven?
Come on!
[applause]
Oh, no!
Look at the Funny Farm audience.
Great.
Yeah.
Well, uh, ooh, I'd better go now.
I've got to get some groceries.
And I've got to get to the 7-eleven store
before the next robbery, so thank you all very much.
Thanks a lot.
[applause]
Good set.
Gail Corbin, I'll lick her yet.
Uh, I really didn't mean that.
Mark Champlin!
Paul W. Morris.
Sit down, have a drink.
- You're fantastic. - Oh.
Thank you. - Very good.
Very good.
What?
Yes.
You were really good.
Honey, drinks all around the table.
And what do you want, Mark?
Um, I think I'll just take care of it.
You really were very, very good.
Oh, thank you.
Why don't you have your people call my people.
And then neither of us will have to meet.
OK.
Seriously, call me.
If you want a joint, just ask, Sammy.
Thanks.
I heard what it's like at the bottom.
After tonight, I shouldn't have any problems
getting time spots.
Just don't count on anything, OK?
I got it made.
Hey, you want to join us?
What do you say? - Go ahead.
Go ahead.
- You coming? - You sure?
Ah.
Get out of here.
Yeah.
Hey girl, come on. We're going to go eat.
What? Where?
Who cares?
As long as it's fattening.
Mark managed to impress a big network executive tonight.
Great.
Which one?
Paul W. Morris.
[barfing sounds]
I guess if you want to barf, he's the guy to know.
- Yeah. - Hey.
Hey, guys. - What?
Isn't that Bruce?
- Bruce who? - Bruce Nutter.
The wacko.
MARK CHAMPLIN: You mean the guy who
took the audience out on the sidewalk the other night?
- What does he do every night? - Who knows?
Who cares?
So what?
Well, it's about time we found out.
Come on. - Come on.
We're wasting time.
Wait a minute, now.
That bus number goes to the bad side out of town.
Where would Bruce Nutter get exact change?
Hey, I'm starving.
Let's go eat.
I want some yang food.
I want some pizza. Pizza.
- I don't want a pizza. - Steve.
Steve. - Why are we following this bus?
Yeah let's forget it.
We've got to see where he lives.
We've got to know more about the guy.
- Why? - Why?
Yeah, why?
Are you going to protect us down here?
We'll sick Bruce on the people that bother us.
Bruce don't even talk to us.
So how are you going to sick them on them?
He'll probably sick them on us.
Yeah.
He's riding the bus to hell.
I don't think they're used to cars like this down here.
Look, if an $80,000 bus can drive safely through this area,
then certainly a $30,000 limousine can.
35,000 OK.
Don't get too close.
Hey man, k*ll the headlights.
Turn off the radio.
Hey, how's he going to miss this car?
There's some leaves on it.
It's camouflaged.
Is this what you call the barrio?
What's wrong suburban knight?
We're getting a more holistic view of his personality.
Look, there's a sign.
Illegals only.
Hey, Michael, I bet your father never
drove down here in his limo.
He must've found the world's cheapest whorehouse.
Christ.
Kel doesn't even live like this.
Go check it out. Go on.
Why me?
Because you're the new kid in town, that's why.
Go on now.
Uh, you guys wouldn't leave me here, would you?
Nah.
We wouldn't do a thing like that.
Thanks a lot.
The kids got guts.
What's his choice?
Keep the motor running, man.
Come on.
Go on
Psst.
Hey, a light went on over there. Go check it out.
It's probably where he lives. - Yeah, right.
It's his-- It's his space, man.
[crashing sound]
[laughter]
You guys are going to pay for this!
How can you invade my privacy?
[shouting]
Shut up!
Shut up!
Good. Cute.
Nice. Funny.
Broader. Better.
I love it. I love it.
I love it.
Show business is my life!
They like the pictures.
Good.
What about the test?
That's what they told me.
So why don't they make a decision?
Pryor just doesn't want to stay up here.
What?
OK.
Well, thanks a lot.
I guess TV networks can take all the time they want, right?
I'll call again tomorrow.
Ugh.
Well, it looks like Pryor is just going to have
to wait to make my wall.
So how come you don't get up and do a few minutes?
Who needs it?
Aw.
Want a beer?
Yeah.
Hey, this is nice.
When I get my pilot, I'm getting a place like this.
I've got to get a couple of books.
Oh, you really got this comedy writing thing
down to a science, don't you?
[glass shattering]
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Oh god.
I broke the glass and I--
I'll buy a new one, OK?
Wait a minute.
This is a photo of Philly Beekman.
And that's you when you were younger, right?
How'd you get your photo taken with Philly Beekman?
It's a long story.
I got time.
It's really not important.
Hey.
Try me.
He's my father.
Philly Beekman is your father?
Wait.
Wait a minute.
Philly Beekman is your father?
How come no one ever mentioned that?
Why should they?
Do you want to work?
Yeah.
Ooh.
If my father were a famous comic, I'd--
What famous comic?
He works Vegas.
Well, it may not be, uh, what you want to do,
but it's still the big time, huh?
Yeah.
Some big time.
You know, I bet the guys would love to sit
and bullshit with your dad.
I know I would.
That's what you get, all right.
Bullshit.
You mean you could arrange it?
Why are we sitting in the back?
MAN: Did you ever hear of a plane backing into a mountain?
MAN: Stewardess, somebody seems to have
taken a shit in my paper bag.
MAN: All right, we've been traveling coach long enough.
Why should those people in the first class
get to Vegas before us?
MAN: Right on.
MAN: I say we march to the front of this plane and take over.
MEN: All right!
(SINGING) Onward, Christian Soldiers--
MAN: I can't go.
I'm Jewish!
STEWARDESS: Please, sit down.
You can't stand up during takeoff.
Lost Wages, Nevada.
Entertainment capital of the world.
Hey, there it is.
Philly Beekman the Riviera.
Not bad.
Hey, look, there's Rickles.
Hey, Don!
Kiss my hockey puck!
(SINGING) Got a date with a hooker.
Gonna meet her at seven.
Give me a hard eight!
Give me a hard on.
Either up a dollar or down a hundred.
I'm not sure.
Well, my friends, I believe it's time for a bit of a toast.
To the parents of Michael Pinscher,
who had the good sense to become millionaires.
I heard that.
[applause]
I just spoke to him.
We're all invited to his suite after.
He didn't sound that crazy.
I don't know.
What do you think?
[drumroll]
The Riviera Hotel proudly presents the star of our show.
Comedy's best friend.
Philly Beekman.
[applause]
Thank you.
Thank you.
How about this band?
Are they wonderful, huh?
One of the greatest bands of the day.
At night something seems to leave them, I don't know what.
Oh, you're cute.
Are you in show business, son?
No?
Well, get your hand off my stage, will ya?
What are you drinking here?
My goodness.
Oh, this kid died an hour ago.
Oh, that jacket sir, that's--
how the hell am I going to get laughs?
Look at this, a human blood clot walked in here.
That's marvelous.
Somewhere in town there's a Volkswagen
with the seat covers missing.
2, 3, 4.
Good to see you.
I love this town.
And you all want to see the naked ladies, right?
You all want to see their boobies, huh?
I love it.
I love the way the ladies come out all grand with their busts,
you know?
And it's all Silicone City.
They're running out of it now, too.
Yeah?
They're using hamburger helper.
That's right.
We had a beautiful showgirl come out
on the stage at the Stardust, she leaned over too far,
she's now a 47 long.
Everybody's losers in this town.
You see them walking around.
Where do we go now?
Let's go see 12 more shows.
Then we'll walk on the highway, maybe get hit by a truck,
we can get some sleep.
It's typical Vegas stuff, but you gotta do that in this town.
After a while, you say, where are we staying?
Where are we going?
We've been here three days and your hand starts playing
the slot machines by itself.
I was standing at the casino the other day,
a woman pulled my arm, my eyeballs paid off.
My eyeballs paid off.
Let's hear it for the dead woman over here that passed away.
Talk about working the room.
What are we going to tell him?
Well, we tell him Sammy still hates his guts
and then we leave.
That's great.
What else do you say in thi business?
What do we call him? Philly?
Mr. Beekman?
I'm calling him Allen King.
He did half his stuff, anyway.
Who's going to knock? MARK CHAMPLIN : Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - Knock it off.
OK. OK.
I'll knock.
[knocking on door]
MAN: Who is it?
Friends of Mr. Beekman's son.
MAN: Just a minute.
Uh oh.
Come in gentlemen, Mr. Beekman is expecting you.
It's Mr. Beekman.
How'd you enjoy the seats?
Oh, great.
Thanks.
Can I get you a drink?
Yeah.
I'll have a pina colada.
Tequila sunrise, please.
I'll have a zombie.
Singapore sling.
How about a nice, cold beer?
All right, all right.
Which one of you is Philly's son?
- I am. - I am.
- Me, too. - Well, hi.
Hi, everybody.
Hi, guys.
Hey, did you all meet my man, Jersey?
Yeah
Well, he's been with me for 14 years.
- 15. - Hey.
Hey.
You've got no lines here.
No lines.
But I love you because you're black, and you're beautiful.
Black is beautiful.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Well, uh, where's, uh-- where's Sammy?
He couldn't-- he had a problem back in--
Oh, well, you guys want to talk about comedy, huh?
Everybody got a drink, huh?
All set?
Good.
Girls, uh-- [whistles].
Come on, girls. Move it.
Move it
Nice meeting you all.
Yeah.
Our pleasure.
There you go.
I'll see you all later.
OK, sweetheart?
Here, pass that along.
Hookers.
Who needs them?
Schmucks like us, that's who.
Well, how'd you, uh--
how'd you like my show?
Oh, it was great.
Well, a lot of stupid corn balls out there, you know?
You've got to give them what they want to hear.
No sense blown the A stuff, right?
Yeah
So, you guys are working at The Funny Farm in Santa Monica,
huh? How's it going?
How's it going?
And hey, how's my kid Sammy doing?
Oh, really good.
He helps me a lot with my material.
Nah. He's a dumb kid.
I mean, if he had the guts, let him get up and do it himself.
Ah.
Jersey, empty time.
Empty drink city.
Bring me a drink, you see?
Come on.
You're my man.
Can't let me dry. There we go.
Good. Good.
Good. Move it.
Move it.
Oh, I love him.
God bless him.
You give him an inch, it winds up on his schlong.
What's the matter?
Is that too smart for the room?
No, I like big black schlong jokes.
I think they're coming back.
Which is more than you can say for yourself.
You make me laugh.
Actually, you don't make me laugh, you make me sick.
All of you, you come out here, you're out in California.
What do I-- where's the movies?
Where's the contracts?
Where's the big television money, huh?
No sweat.
No training.
No-- no friggin' tradition.
No dues paid.
You know what I had to do the first 20
years I was in this business?
I had to work toilets.
And I worked strip joints.
You know what this audience came in to see?
Came in to see a lot of tits, that's all.
Nobody gave a crap what you were doing.
But when they wanted to fire you,
they found plenty of excuses.
Not funny.
You're not funny.
Well, I was always funny.
You hear those g*dd*mn laughs out there?
Well, I earned those laughs, kid.
Because I know my craft.
My god, you guys probably never even had
to schlep up to the mountains.
You probably don't even know what the mountains are.
Well, when you work the mountains, boy, that's tough.
That's-- that's worse than toilets.
Because that audience comes in not to laugh, but to criticize.
They're all g*dd*mn experts.
But if you do good in the mountains, hey, pal, next shot,
you're on the "Ed Sullivan Show."
That's big time.
My god.
You-- you don't even know who Ed Sullivan was.
He was like Johnny Carson, right?
Oh, god.
Ed Sullivan was the King.
He was the greatest.
You did Sullivan's show, you did good,
you got on it again and again.
You wanna know how many times I was on Sullivan?
How's 103?
103 appearances.
Next thing you know, Las Vegas.
I'm a headliner, playing all the top hotels.
And then everybody really starts picking on you, you know.
Oh, crap.
They're putting you down, you know?
You're cheap. You're this.
You're that.
Then they start stealing your jokes.
They steal your best shticks, they steal your routines.
They steal your wives.
Look, how many laughs you think I've gotten in my lifetime,
huh?
How about millions, huh?
Millions.
Millions of laughs.
And for what?
So a lot of schmucky kids like you can come in here
and start to bug me and pick my brain?
But let me tell you something.
Hey, relax. Relax.
Relax.
You know the big difference is between you guys
and us guys, besides the booze?
We know who you guys are.
We know who all you guys are.
We can learn from you, analyze you, study you.
You can't study us or learn from us because you
never catch our act.
You don't care.
Yeah, when was the last time you went to a club
to watch young comics work?
Man, don't hate us just because we're young.
Yeah and don't hate us without seeing us.
Well, when was the last time you even listened
to one of Sammy's jokes?
Aw, he'd never come down there.
His too big for that act.
Get the hell out here. Come on.
I've had it Get out of here, all of you.
Just go on. Move the hell out.
Go ahead, I've had it.
You too, get the hell out.
Just a bunch of young creeps, that's all.
Punks.
Lousy kids.
It's nice to know we're part of such a fine tradition.
I love show people.
Anyway, as I was saying, I think he's funny.
He's got just the face we've been looking for.
The right age bracket.
Nice manner.
A little rough around the edges, but he's got
that impish smile that sells.
Hey, as long as it works for us, what do we care?
Yes.
But a comic with no acting experience--
do you think that's smart?
Well, I like the way he tested.
And I personally think he's going
to be our next big comedy star.
Congratulations.
Well, my friend, you've got yourself a pilot.
Thank you.
Maybe we can come down and watch you work again tonight?
- No problem. - Good.
Good.
Congratulations
Thank you.
I like a lot of your credits.
Thanks.
How do you like that?
One day you're parking my car, the next day
you're driving a hard deal.
What a business. - Yeah.
Thanks again.
We'll see you.
Goodbye.
I don't think he's going to cut it.
And if he doesn't, he's out.
You know, I really mean it.
I have suddenly found a whole new respect for you.
Yeah, but will you respect me in the morning, huh?
You've been hanging around comics too long.
Yeah.
I think it's time you started hanging
around some major TV stars.
You got the pilot?
That's fantastic.
I'm going to be playing this kid who has
crazy powers over his family.
They say it's going to be a series.
I'm going to be famous.
I'm going to be the next Robin Williams.
[car horn]
Aw, get your own series!
Guess what I'm up for?
What?
A TV commercial for a deodorant.
That doesn't seem fair, does it?
I'm a comic, I get my own show.
You're a serious actress, you get a TV commercial.
You're nice.
But who's got it?
It's just an audition.
You know, I think I love you.
I think you do, too.
Whoa.
Whoa.
[car horn]
I'll see you later.
Bye.
It's not nice to honk at a star.
[laughs]
Woo.
Hey, I got a TV pilot.
I made it.
Jealous bastards.
What's going on?
Why is everybody here?
Bruce Nutter's dead.
What?
k*lled himself.
Putz blew his brains out.
My god.
He left a note.
Yeah.
Something about privacy.
He's got that now, I guess.
Holy Jesus.
The maniac wrote it in Spanish.
Can you believe them, man?
I wouldn't even do that.
Hey, did anybody speak to Gail?
Yeah, she's inside with Harvey trying to decide whether
or not to close the club tonight.
She can't close the club.
There's no way she'll close it.
The show must go on.
He may have been completely crazy,
but he was still one of us.
Well, the least we can do is hold a minute of silence
tonight. - Oh, that's easy.
Just do any minute of your act.
[laughter]
Now, you two--
Uh.
Uh, bo-- boys, we have decided and we
are closing the club tonight.
I think we're making a mistake.
Gail, as long as I own the club,
I will decide what goes on.
And the club is closed tonight.
What do you think?
You can't do that.
Come on, man.
That's crazy.
I am not holding a vote and the club is closed.
I am not holding a vote on it.
I own this club and I am not having a vote on it.
A man has corpsed today.
For heaven's sakes, have a little respect.
MAN: Man, I don't get it.
How did a dude have everything planned
right down to the last detail?
And the rented parents?
That is the best.
Where the hell do you rent parents?
Budget.
Where else?
That's funny.
Hey.
Why aren't you inside taping it?
Who's on? - Steve.
He's k*lling.
Yeah.
With the same old crap.
Oh, what's he going to do?
New stuff for a bunch of rented mourners?
You know, some of my greatest impressions
are buried out there.
You been on yet?
Oh, no.
I don't step inside until they segue way into the gospel.
Amen.
A-woman.
Hallelujah.
Nice going, Steve.
It was good of you to prepare special material
for the occasion.
Consume it raw.
Well, as all of you know, Bruce was a great favorite
at the Funny Farm.
You never knew what he was going to do next.
You only knew that it would probably cost Harvey
three or four grand in repairs.
[laughter]
Y'all remember the time--
This is all very morbid.
It's very sick.
Gail, it's their way of showing their love.
GAIL CORBIN: I really don't like this.
I find it very sick.
For some strange, unknown reason, I saw him watching--
Terrible.
Bruce, here again, is your favorite.
Fred's outside.
He busy with day job.
[sniffs]
OK.
Moving right along.
Michael, you want to play something?
That's a baby grand casket, isn't it?
You could do something with that, couldn't you?
[laughter]
Michael Pinscher.
[applause]
I'd, uh, like to dedicate this to Bruce's rented parents.
I don't know if Bruce would like this, but,uh,
right now, who gives a shit?
[harmonica playing]
[gasps]
Don't you ever follow me home again.
A little traveling music, Michael.
I'll k*ll that son of a bitch!
Maniac.
[non-english]
Does this mean we don't get paid?
[shouting]
I'm gonna have him committed.
Now, don't-- don't get excited.
I'm gonna have him committed, even if it means
having to adopt him first.
Yes.
You hear?
You got to be crazy to be funny.
I mean, who else would go into a business
where every single set is opening night?
Yeah.
It was a lot easier in school, wasn't it?
Being the class clown and stuff.
Imitating the teacher.
Stuff like that.
Yeah.
That was my specialty, man.
I swear to God, we had a math teacher,
we gave her a nervous breakdown.
I don't know.
I still like it better than real life.
You don't have to worry about that.
You ain't never yourself.
Up yours.
If you ever lost your color, sweetheart,
you'd be right out of the material.
See?
You're doing it again.
Say, why'd you get in to it, Myles?
Me?
Because, man, that was the only way
I knew how to get attention.
That's one way of getting it, for sure.
Let's face it, all we want is validation.
That's all any of us ever wanted.
I'm sorry, we don't validate.
STEPHEN CROFT: Getting laughs and getting laid.
That's why I'm in it.
Well, you're full of crap.
You want to make it big like the rest of us.
Aw, screw yourself pal.
If you had any guts at all, you'd
be writing and not playing fine and dandy
for a bunch of ingrates.
Hey, I k*lled that audience, man.
Of course you did. We all did.
That's what we do.
We k*ll them, we slay them, we m*rder them, we destroy them.
We b*mb, we die.
Man, we're not comics, we're revolutionaries.
Hey, nobody's that funny.
Hey,
Hi.
Ugh.
What do you guys smoking in here?
Socks?
Hey, have I got news for you guys.
Ha ha.
What?
Well you know, I was, uh, just working in Cincinnati, right?
How did you do?
Oh, I did, uh--
so anyway, I was watching TV up there.
This cable TV.
And this show came on, "The Comedy Boutique."
Is that not perfect?
- Funny. - Yeah.
Well, who do you think was on it?
- Who? - Who?
You and you, and Miguel, and Bruce.
And-- and everybody.
And even me.
They saw me in Cincinnati?
Wait a second, what do you mean we were all on?
We were on tape from the Funny Farm.
Fred Pinkham.
Say what?
That's Fred Pinkham's work, man.
That sleaze.
Oh, what a lower life form.
Those tapes?
Oh, man, he sells us.
Our tapes.
And then he has balls to turn around to somebody else
and sell it to them?
Oh, man, that's copyright infringement.
He's in trouble.
Wait, wait.
He couldn't do that alone. - What do you mean?
Why not? - Boy.
- Gail. - That's right.
It had to be.
- Really? - Of course.
STEPHEN CROFT: Wait a minute.
I just thought of something.
What's the one thing in the world that Gail fears the most?
Earthquakes.
How do you plan to pull this one off?
Well, first we need somebody who hasn't schtooped her yet.
I haven't.
Oh, all right.
I guess I could go again.
Great.
I only had her once, and that was as Howard Coselle.
All right. We'll look.
OK.
I need your help on this one.
I gotta ask you do me a big favor tonight.
Now, what we're going to do is simulate an 8.3 earthquake.
[laughter]
You might say it's a new form of audience participation.
Oh Gail, I've--
I've been wanting to do this to you for a long, long time.
Oh-- how long, Johnny?
Uh, long enough.
Uh-- oh, Gail.
What I want you to do is, uh, on the count of three,
stomp your chairs.
Stomp your feet, bang against the walls
and run out of here screaming earthquake.
Earthquake.
I think Gail, in the office, will
get a kick out of this one.
Oh, Gail.
Oh, Johnny.
Oh, Johnny.
Oh, Johnny.
Oh.
Oh.
May the bluebird of happiness wind up in your--
GAIL CORBIN: Oh, Johnny.
May the--
GAIL CORBIN: Oh, will you shut up?
OK.
So remember, this is for Gail, so give it your best.
One, two, three.
Here comes Johnny.
Oh--
GAIL CORBIN: Oh-- me, too.
Me, too.
Me, too.
[screaming ]
Oh, my god.
The whole place is shaking.
[glass shattering]
Oh my-- my--
oh, my god! An earthquake!
An earthquake!
[screaming ]
Quake!
It's a quake!
Earthquake!
[screaming ]
[shouting]
How could you?
Ah!
You sons of b*tches.
What the heck is going on here?
MARK CHAMPLIN : Earthquake!
It looked like a ghost.
Was that-- it looked like Gail.
It was Gail.
First, Bruce, now Gail.
That does it. That does it.
I'm taking over.
All right, get these people inside.
All right.
There's-- there's lots to drink and plenty more comedy inside.
Everybody, it's-- seriously.
Lots of comedy.
Who's responsible for this?
Steve was.
It was a joke.
Can I come in?
No.
Just leave me alone. - Nope.
Can't I just--
Just leave me alone.
Sit for a minute?
It was a very mean prank the guys just pulled on you.
And I'm very sorry and I know that the guys, when
they think about it, that they're going
to feel bad about it, too.
No, they're not.
No, they're not.
They all hate me.
I know that.
Everybody hates Gail Corbin.
Everybody's always hated me.
Everybody's always laughed at me.
Made fun of me.
I like the guys at the Farm, you know?
I mean, I care about them.
They make me laugh.
They bring me joy and happiness.
And when you've been kicked around as much as I am,
boy, you grab that joy and happiness,
and you play as you can.
Oh, just go on.
Go on.
Come on.
I know you got a lot to tell them now.
I'm sorry.
Yeah Just go on.
Just go on.
I'm really sorry.
Thank you.
Are you sure you want me to come down?
I won't make you too nervous?
Please.
Please come down.
INTERCOM: Mr. Champlin on the set, please.
Did you hear that?
Did you hear it?
Look, I gotta go.
But I'll see you down here later, OK?
Fine.
Bye.
I'm coming!
I don't think he's going to cut it.
He had such a good face.
You want comedy, you get a comic.
You want acting, you get an actor.
Well then, let's make a decision right now.
- Is the other kid in the wings? - The actor?
No.
But I can have him here in half an hour.
Then that's it.
OK.
Hold up a minute, will you?
Who's going to tell him?
You tell him.
You liked his face so damn much.
Listen, uh, we're thinking of going a whole different way
with your character. - Sure.
Whatever you say.
Well, it's not quite that simple.
What I'm trying to say is, uh, well--
Are you saying I'm fired?
I didn't say that.
I know you didn't say that, but are you saying that?
- Saying what? - That I'm fired.
You said it, not me.
[music playing]
SINGER: Dreamer.
You're dreaming much too far.
And dreamer, it's time to find out who you are.
Looking around, the wheels are turning.
What happened?
I blew it.
What are you talking about?
Look-- will you take this home for me?
I don't understand.
See you later, OK?
Are you all right?
Yeah.
I'm fine.
Really.
MARK (VOICEOVER): Dear Mom, you can tell dad not to worry.
The family name is still safe.
Well, at least I'm not locked up in a loony bin like some people
I know.
Well, it's too bad you didn't call first.
We would've, uh, we would have asked
you to come a little earlier.
This way, you're only going to be able to see
him for a couple of minutes.
Now, were you two friends?
I think we're better friends now.
OK.
Mr. Nutter, we have a visitor.
I'll leave you two alone.
Now just remember, you don't have much time.
Hello, Bruce.
I can read upside down now.
That's nice.
I see you, uh--
I see you brought your pictures.
Bananas are funny.
Raisins are funny.
Peaches, not funny.
Don't I know you?
Show time!
Sorry. Got to pay the rent,
Well, that's all right.
I should've come earlier.
Hey.
Nice to see you again, thanks for coming.
Look, it's a pleasure to be working at the, uh--
Funny Farm.
[laughter]
Of course, come to think of it,
it's nice to be working anywhere.
[laughter]
But I see you--
y'all got the same tailor.
That's very nice.
Nice hair.
You got that shock treatment perm.
That's very nice.
Do you think he knows?
That's the beauty of comedy, isn't it?
It doesn't matter.
You see his nurse.
His nurse is so fat.
She gets on the back of a bedpan and does
a wheelie down the hall.
[car horn]
How was it?
Real cute.
[music playing]
It's an ugly business.
You get one setback, and you're ready to quit.
No-- it's not just the pilot.
It's-- it's everything.
I just don't want to end up like Bruce Nutter or Philly Beekman.
There are enough depressed people
in comedy already without me having to be one of them.
God.
Is that the way you think?
MARK: It's a stupid business.
I have to go.
Are you going to come by?
- I don't know. - Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.
Watch a lot of people make asses of themselves
on New Year's Eve.
Maybe later.
OK.
Bye.
Bye.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
GAIL CORBIN: Hi.
Mark?
This is Gail.
Listen, I'm so sorry to hear about your pilot.
Yeah?
Well, uh, good news travels fast.
Doesn't it?
Listen, there's a terrific, um, opening that
came up here tonight, you know?
And it's a great time slot.
We really could use you.
Hello?
Mark?
MARL: Yeah.
I'm here, Gail.
Um, no.
I, I don't--
I don't think I can.
Sorry.
Thank-- thanks for thinking of me, though.
Bye.
Uh--
[dialtone]
I will never understand what makes those guys tick.
Mother said she's very anxious to meet you.
Huh?
Oh, Gail.
It's you.
Why are you back?
Gail promised me a slot next week.
I think she means it this time.
All right.
Um-- listen, I'm just going to be in there
for a couple of minutes.
Would you turn the car around for me?
Sure, no problem.
- Thanks - Take care.
Yeah.
Happy New Year.
Dickie.
Hey, Mark.
Hey, you look like the Godfather.
Oh, I thought I'd just kind of class up the joint
a little tonight.
- What, no Brando? - No.
No.
It's part of my New Year's resolution.
I've decided I'm going to be a little more myself this year.
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.
Miguel Moreno.
Thank you, Miguel.
You're a credit to your race.
OK.
Having a good time?
We're glad you came here tonight!
Happy new year!
Some deal, huh?
You wait in line, you pay at the parking lot, you pay to get in,
you pay for your drinks, then you answer
a bunch of stupid questions!
Only three more hours to go.
[applause]
Our next performer has been called
the Mr. October of comedy.
Unfortunately, it's late December.
But no, he's been-- he's been writing around the club
for quite a long time.
He's never actually come up on stage.
And tonight, just for you, he's going to do it.
Let's have a really warm welcome, Mr. Sammy Beekman.
[applause]
Ladies and gentleman, this coming season,
the complete maniac will be wearing
pants, jacket, socks and shoes.
Shirts and underwear are out.
[laughter]
Hi.
I'm going home.
I left you a note.
What?
I'm leaving tonight.
I'm going home.
I left you a note.
A note?
What am I, a milkman?
Look, I want you to know this is not easy for me.
Easy?
Easy?
Easy is when you're dead.
Then it gets real easy, Mark.
Well, if you're too stupid to realize
that you're fresh, funny and different, and they love you,
damn it!
Oh, yeah.
Oh, they love me all right.
That's why they had me replaced in 20 minutes.
Look, I-- I'm not dumb.
I know an opportunity like that comes around once
in a lifetime, if you're lucky.
Well, I'm not sticking around for all that rejection,
and degradation, and humiliation that those idiots inside there
are willing to put up with.
And if you're smart, you'll get out, too.
Yeah.
They love me.
Well, maybe I'm not ready for their love.
You know what you are, Mark?
You're a closet comic.
You only come out when the going's good.
Well, I'm sorry, that's not the way it works.
I gotta go.
[music playing]
SINGER: They're talking about it.
They're stepping around it.
Nobody seems to want to take a chance on love.
They wish we could find it.
As they wouldn't mind it.
Nobody seems to want to take a chance on love.
[shouting]
Hey.
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year to you.
There you go.
[laughter]
So he looks at me, and I don't say a thing.
So he reaches into his pocket, and he takes out a $20 bill,
and he throws it into the hole.
All of a sudden, the guy starts--
Can I get a beer?
Thanks.
So I say to the guy, say what the hell are you doing?
And he says, well, I'll be damned
if I'm going down in that dung hole, what hurts my pants.
[applause]
Thank you Thank you.
And Happy new year!
[applause]
Hey, that was terrific, really.
Very good.
Mark Champlin.
Cleveland, Ohio.
Lorne Hawkins.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Lorne.
Can I buy you a beer?
Yeah, sure.
One more?
It's quite a crowd here.
You work here a lot? - Yeah.
Every Saturday night.
Oh, they really like you.
You got a big family.
Well, it's good for getting tail.
Yeah.
Here's to it.
Here goes.
Like Lorne says, I am from Cleveland, Ohio.
AUDIENCE: Yay!
Thanks, Mom.
But perhaps some of you know my mother.
She does a lot of charity work back home.
Last year, she raised $20 million for the right
to abuse children.
I am from Cleveland, Ohio.
Yay!
Ma, please, I'm working alone, OK?
So for the past couple of months,
I have been living in Los Angeles.
Boy, is that a town.
I mean, I've never seen so many Mercedes-Benzes in all my life.
I mean, back home, there's one Mercedes.
Belongs to the town n*zi.
[laughter]
It was a pleasure meeting you, Mark.
And good luck back in Cleveland.
Thanks.
You're a very funny kid.
People like you.
Thanks a lot.
So long.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
MARK: I am not a closet comic.
You're not?
I mean, you're not.
Mark, where are you?
Should I wake you when I get home?
You won't have to.
Happy New Year.
AMY LOWELL: Happy New Year.
[music playing]
MAN: My next guest, is a young man
who's been making quite a name for himself
along the comedy circuit lately.
We found him at The Funny Farm.
That's a comedy club, of course, here
in Los Angeles, where so many young comics
have gotten their start.
He's going to be a regular this fall on a brand
new television series.
Won't you all please welcome Mark Champlin?
[applause]
[music playing]
SINGER: That I got to leave today.
Cleveland behind me.
LA on my way.
Well, some say I'm wrong.
But I know I'm right.
I know what to do.
Soon you'll see my name in lights.
I'm gonna give it to you now.
I can feel it.
Inspiration.
Feel it.
Dedication.
I can feel it.
Feel it.
Inspiration.
Feel it.
Dedication.
Not just to be funny.
Also to to be free.
Got a sense of humor.
Now I'm looking for a sense of me.
I'll make you smile.
Yes, I'll make you laugh.
I'll make you laugh.
Life is so much sadness.
Let me show you the other half.
I'm gonna give it to you now.
I can feel it.
Inspiration.
Feel it.
Dedication.
I can feel it.
You know I can feel it.
Inspiration.
I can feel it.
Dedication.
Baby, I'm on my way.
And nothing's gonna stop me, girl.
I'm gonna make it.
Make it.
We are all dreamers.
No, I'm not the only one.
I'm just looking for my place in the sun.
Dad says impatient.
Mama says my eyes are wide.
But if I don't make it, at least I know I tried.
I'm gonna give it to you now.
You know I can feel it.
Inspiration.
I can feel it.
Dedication.
I can feel it.
Well, I can feel it.
Inspiration.
I can feel it.
Dedication.
Come on, feel it.
I can feel it.
Inspiration.
Feel it.
Dedication.
I can feel it.
Feel it.
Inspiration.
Feel it.
Dedication.
I'm gonna give it to you now.